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Posts by YanSun
Joined: Dec 14, 2012
Last Post: Feb 2, 2013
Threads: 4
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YanSun   
Feb 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: 'ageing population' topic [2]

My goal: Writing 7 (Last time 6)

I will keep it up!
Hope that my writing is understandable to you. Sometimes, I write sentences which I feel good, but it turns out that people hardly understand them. Thank you so much!

I am especailly uncertain about some expresison in this essay:
1>Moreover, the demand for healthcare will rise significantly along with our body growing old,
2>requires lots more sophisticated doctors
3>In order to deal with the situation, the government has to act immediately.
4>it will be an instant remedy for the situation.

It is not unusual for many developed nations that the average age of population is over 70 or even higher. Although this is a cheerful thing to most of the people, it is unavoidable that too many elderly causes problems to working population and the society as a whole. In this essay, problems related to this issue will be illustrated, and some possible solutions will be given to conquer this increasingly severe situation.

As the average life expectancy increased, several related problems can be anticipated for the working population and the society as a whole. The main issue is that the shortage of work forces which support the development of industry and various businesses will prevent the nation from further developments. Many bosses will find it difficult to hire employees for their business. Meanwhile, majority of the employees are entering into the age of retirement. Therefore, the economic development will be severely affected by the situation. Moreover, the demand for healthcare will rise significantly along with our body growing old, which imposes titanic financial burden to the governments and requires lots more sophisticated doctors and nurses to take care of the elderly in the society. For those relatively poorer citizens, there is limited resource for them to take adequate medical treatment. Some of them will die lonely and tragically without proper health care.

There are several actions that governments could take immediately to solve the problems described above. Young immigrations from overseas will be an instant remedy for the situation. Many young foreign doctors and nurses are introduced to assist the local health care program where the number of local doctors is shrinking. In the meantime, young professionals from all over the world attribute their knowledge and skills to the development of the industry. At the same time A second measure would be for the government to encourage the advance of technology of various areas, especially the health science, which can improve the efficiency of the hospital and healthcare system. Elderly, as a result, will find their experience and knowledge more valuable in the society and continue to serve the nation for longer period.
YanSun   
Jan 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / (IELTS) Why do we need music? The traditinal music of a country is more important [8]

Hi Qayam,

Hope that you dont mind if I put my essay onto this page as well. The purpose are exchanging ideas for the same topic. It would be great if you could give advice as well.


Especailly I am uncertain about some expressions below:
P1: Personally, transitional music is much more valuable than international pop music to me.
P3: 1>we should also pay attention to the traditional music, although they are not popular with radio's preference nowadays.
2>We can't imagine the world without traditional music such as classic music.
P4: Meanwhile, traditional music should be with us as long as we still listen to music.

In today's society musicians play an essential role in our living and areas of art and culture. Most of us need music to not only relax ourselves but also memorize the past. Some prefer pop music and some people stick to traditional music and enjoy it very much. Personally, transitional music is much more valuable than international pop music to me.

Music plays an important part in our lives. It expresses out feelings by a large variety of types of music such as classical music, Hip-Hop music, blue music, rock music and various other kinds of music in the world. By listening to various types of music, people can choose the one match their mood. For example, when we suffered in times of trouble, blue music can reflect our feelings; and we could also be cheered up by listening to pop-music then. On the other hand, music is a way to memorize the past. There were many typical songs which represent the nineteen eighties. For instance, dancing music by Michel Jackson or Madonna can bring us back to the ages when they are the most popular in the world.

In my opinion, we should also pay attention to the traditional music, although they are not popular with radio's preference nowadays. First of all, traditional music is a treasure handed down by our ancestors. If everyone chooses to reject or stay away from the traditional music, they will disappear very soon, accompanied by their cultures and memories. Second, pop-music will obsolete sooner or later but traditional music will be sung by our children for very long time, just as we did when we were young. We can't imagine the world without traditional music such as classic music.

In summary, music plays an essential role to the way we living and our civilization. Meanwhile, traditional music should be with us as long as we still listen to music.

Have a good day!

Peter
YanSun   
Jan 4, 2013
Writing Feedback / (IELTS) Why do we need music? The traditinal music of a country is more important [8]

Hello friend,

Why dont you put each arguement for each paragraph ? I think your outstanding essay can be divided by 5 paragraphs as follow:

1. Introduction -
Music, the most preferred thing in recent era, is used widely in the world for different purposes. People use varieties of instruments to produce an attractive sound. However, majority of the people believe that music is a kind of entertainment but researchers have explored that music has got several other advantages as well. Here is what I add:Personally, transitional music is much more valuable than international pop music to me.

2. Body 1 -
Music can help people to recover their emotional distress and tensions. When people are in trouble by listening to music they can feel relax, calm and remove all their mental pains. Those people who can't sleep due to familial problems, can sleep and relax by listening to the music. Today research has proved that by listening specific kind of music people can increase their concentration level. On the other hand, studies have explored that music can make teenagers quick learner and make them will disciplined and help the development of their speech as well. Therefore, music is, of course, the need of life.

3. Body 2 -
It has been explored that those pregnant women who have time listening to music, can help the brain development of their babies and when their time of delivery comes they are more relax and prepared while other pregnant women face some difficulties at the time of delivery. Music can also decrease stress of women during pregnancy. Research has proven that by playing music for the cows, they can produce more milk than expected. So now we can get the importance of music.

4. Body 3 -
I prefer traditional music more, rather than international music because traditional music is more meaning full. It can express the feelings and emotions of specific people but international music don't possess such qualities and majority of them are meaningless in today's world. Today almost we don't see any significant quality in international music however people spend lots of money on this kind of music instead of traditional music.

5. Summay -
Hence, today music plays a significant role in our life and no one can deny the existence of music. Today it is widely used in praising and worshiping almighty Allah by different religions in all over the world. Therefore, music is not only a kind of entertainment but it can be called a gift that almighty Allah has devoted to mankind. Here is what I add:Meanwhile, traditional music should be with us as long as we still listen to music.

The purpose of adding those in red is completeness. I think it is much safer in the exam that you answer all questions asked.

Dont hesitate to let me know should you have any suggestion. You help me a lot in this way.

Good luck in the exam.

Peter
YanSun   
Dec 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS - petrol price increment (Traffic and pollution) [3]

My goal: Writing 7 (Last time 6)

I will keep it up!

IELTS Writing Task 2: 'petrol price' introduction 2012-12-23

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
What other measures do you think might be effective?


Traffic and pollution are growing problems in today's society. Personally, I disagree with the idea that higher petrol prices could solve these problems, and I believe that various other measures would be more constructive.

It is suggested by some economists that increasing the price of petrol can deal with traffic jam and pollution in city. They believe that there is a connection between them; however, they fail to realize that people cannot go everywhere but driving vehicles. It is the fact that people keep using private vehicle as a mean of transportation regardless of the increasing petrol price. As a result, growing petrol price simply imposes extra financial burden on poor citizens, instead of decreasing the usage of private transportation.

There are alternatives to deal with the situation. First and foremost, infrastructures such as metro, train and express bus-way should be considered as the priority of construction in cities, by which people can leave their cars at garage while shuttling between work and home. Second, universities and research institutions should invest heavily in studies of biological resources and renewable resources. The use of electricity car should be promoted by paying subsidies by the government. Last but not least, it is essential to educate our children the importance of conserving energy since their childhood.

To sum up, increasing price of petrol alone cannot manage environmental and metropolitan problems. Instead, we could develop the completed public transportation system; invest more in technologies of new energy and educate youngsters to be responsible to the earth.

Hope that my writing is understandable to you. Sometimes, I write sentences which I feel good, but it turns out that nobody understand them.

I wish you all surrounded by love and warmth this holiday season. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2013.
YanSun   
Dec 25, 2012
Writing Feedback / Universities and high schools should teach students specific careers [5]

Dear JinQ,

people think that universities and high schools should teach students about general subjects instead of specific careers and fields.

It might be better if you modify the wordings.

It is very grad that you use examples and qoutes in your paragraph 2 and 3, make it more convencing.

Regards,

Peter
YanSun   
Dec 25, 2012
Writing Feedback / Changing jobs frequently?I feel it's good to continue at least for six years (IELTS) [4]

IIn my essay I will explore the benefits and drawbacks of both views.

Chief among this is that, as they are more versatile and dynamic, they are able to cope with the challenges in their work place in a better way.

Are you sure the 'Chief among this is that' here correct?

I thought your argument in paragraph 2 should be for the constant job shifting, while the above seems not.

has its own merits as well as demerits. One should think deeply about it before choosing either. In my perception,

Are these 'templete sentence'?

Welcome for further discussion.

Merry X mas!

Peter
YanSun   
Dec 22, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Video games - positives and negatives [3]

First of all i have to say how amazing this forum to me, as an IELTS candidate. this is where we could share ideas and valuable recommandation.

I will remain myself of practicing writing at lease 4 essay a week.

IELTS Writing Task 2: Video games (2012-12-22)
Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

What youngsters play has changed dramatically as compared with 1980s. Students nowadays prefer staying with computer games to spend their leisure after school. As a result, some video games are generated exclusively for educating child, but most of them are for the purpose of amusement that they may have subtle negative effects on children. In this essay I am going to present both the positive and negative influences of video games on children, following by my point of view.

We need to admit that some video games are made for educating children. With vivid image and animated conversation, stories told by video games are more likely to be remembered by children in their childhood. For instant, a video game named 'Bear in the beach' is programmed to teach children English by telling a story of bear traveling all the way from city to beach site with his mother. Children would not feel bored to learn English if they play the role of the character.

Unfortunately most of the video games as I can remember are not educative and informative. Instead, those best sold video games often come along with violent and sex contents, exclusively for youngsters. For them, it is awesome to do something which cannot be done in real life. A classic example is the game 'The Sin City' where players play the role of an offender to kill ordinary people and stole money from them in the street. Indeed, it is common that players are addicted to/ indulge in the video games. Needless to say that it is a waste of valuable time; it also produces seeds of crime for many players.

Personally, I think video games should be played by children with parents' guides. Moreover, the time of playing should be limited to the extent that normal live is not to be interrupted. I also encourage that video game maker should take more social responsibility. They should think twice before making violent games merely for money.

Thank you everyone and wish you happy and healthy in coming 2013.
YanSun   
Dec 22, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS:best way to make new friends?sports, community activities or travelling? [3]

:

we have seen that students can meet a wide variety of friends during a long journey. For example, in a tour bus, students can make friends with

I suggest that you could use a variety of expression in 'making friend':

E.G)
make friends with sb.;
be friends with;
become a companion to sb.;
get into company with sb;
cultivate friendship with;
form friends with;
keep friends with

Good day!

Peter
YanSun   
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / MIT Essay: The world you come from [3]

Every 8 PM, my eyes fixed to the black-and-white TV, awaiting new episodes of the famous film 'Journey to the West'. For many years, I was so immersed by its magical world that I always covered my head with a blanket before sleeping, fearing that some fearful monsters would capture and make me their dinner.
My favorite character was Sun Wukong, or Monkey King, which could fly, fight and perform 72 kinds of transformation. With my inherent naĂŻve,

Hello a Sun Wukong fever, I think you should go stright to the main idea, the first papagraph is irrelvent i think. the latter part is much better and i can see that why you wanna study in MIT.

Good day!
YanSun   
Dec 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 - Diagram - real exam question in Oct 2012 [6]

I wouldn't say "sharply" here. And it is obvious there is a changing trend at the point of October. I guess you can add it .

Thanks for you comments and i am re-writing it:

Temperatures (shown as dot line) increase moderately from average temperature of 20 degrees to 30 degrees between the months of January and May . The temperature peak in May and stay roughly the same for the next four months . It then drop steeply back to 20 degrees from October to December.

Is it better now?
YanSun   
Dec 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 - Diagram - real exam question in Oct 2012 [6]

Hello friends!

I really need to pass the coming exam.
It would be great if you could check my writing~

Thank you so much!~

Question: The climograph below shows average monthly temperatures and rainfall in the city of Kolkata.

The graph below demonstrates and compares monthly temperatures and rainfall on average in the center of Kolkata.

Temperatures (shown as dot line) increase sharply from average temperature of 20 degrees in January to average temperature of 30 degrees in May. The temperature peak in May and then goes down gradually back to 20 degrees from May to December.

There is a similar trend for the average monthly rainfall. which the The figures goes up from January to the middle of the year and then goes down to the original level in January. The amount of rainfall is less than 30mm in January and it increases dramatically during January and July. The precipitation peaks at over 300mm in July and decreases thenthereafter.

It is worth mentioned that the majority of the rainfall lies in autumn (between June and September), while temperatures peak in summer (between May and July) and remain high during autumn.



  • Source: http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2012/11/ielts-writing-task-1