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Posts by Th25cc
Joined: Jan 6, 2013
Last Post: Dec 1, 2014
Threads: 2
Posts: 90  
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From: United States of America

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Th25cc   
Dec 1, 2014
Undergraduate / 'Problems are an inherent component of any society' - Princeton Common Application Supplement Essay [3]

The world limit is 650, and I'm currently at 876. I'd like to know what you guys think is best that I should keep (and maybe even expand on) and what is worse that I should delete. I'm not too concerned with grammar, although if you'd like to point out grammatical issues, feel free. I'm concerned most about the content and what kind of perception you get from the essay. If you were an admissions counselor, what would your impression of me be? Also, if you had to put my answer to the prompt into one sentence, what would it be? (This gives me a feel for if my answer to the prompt conveys what I want to convey). The prompt and essay are below. Thank you!

Prompt:In addition to the essay you have written for the Common Application, please write an essay of about 500 words (no more than 650 words and no less than 250 words). Using one of the themes below as a starting point, write about a person, event, or experience that helped you define one of your values or in some way changed how you approach the world. Please do not repeat, in full or in part, the essay you wrote for the Common Application.

2. "One of the great challenges of our time is that the disparities we face today have more complex causes and point less straightforwardly to solutions." Omar Wasow, Assistant Professor, Politics; Founder, (website removed) This quote is taken from Professor Wasow's January 2014 speech at the Martin Luther King Day celebration at Princeton University.


Problems are an inherent component of any society, but the problems themselves are not the biggest issues we face. Our greatest challenge is finding an effective way to go about solving, discussing, and debating those problems. Without a strong strategy for discourse and resolution, no problem can be solved in today's society where almost everything is controversial.

I became interested in dispute resolution and problem solving strategies as a result of exploring ways to implement libertarian solutions. The essence of libertarian problem solving is rectifying issues without government, which starkly contrasts the way in which we usually go about solving problems today - through government. As someone interested in debating important issues and advocating for my preferred solutions, knowing the best strategy for doing so is crucial.

I have followed the work of libertarian anti-war activist, author, politician, journalist, and protestor Adam Kokesh for quite some time. Kokesh has done it all in terms of advocating for a free society. He has campaigned for state office in New Mexico, organized protests, interviewed prominent figures, engaged in numerous acts of civil disobedience, written a book, and even disrupted John McCain's acceptance of the Republican nomination.

Out of all of these means of persuasion, I found Kokesh's interviews, videos, and writings about the issues to be the most effective. His relentless explanations of taxation being theft, war being immoral, and government being the monopoly on the initiation of force resonated with me. Ultimately, it was the discourse and absorbing of information that shifted my ideology towards libertarianism - not the protests or civil disobedience. I certainly enjoyed Kokesh's acts of civil disobedience, but that was only because I was already convinced of the libertarian message of universal non-violence. For example, Kokesh loaded a gun in Washington, D.C. on the fourth of July in direct defiance of the District's ban on firearms. I, along with other like-minded individuals, saw a victimless crime and justified act of civil disobedience. Others simply saw an extremist nut that deserved to go to jail.

The ramifications of Kokesh's actions were severe. He spent six months in jail, four of which were in isolation. He planned on fighting the gun charges in court in an attempt to get a jury to nullify the law, but ended up pleading guilty and accepting a suspended sentence after facing 15 years in prison - the potential risk was just too high.

After immersing myself in the gamut of Kokesh's work and analyzing the consequences of each of his actions, I made some realizations about the ways in which we go about advocating for certain solutions. Trying to make a change by defying laws, disrupting others, or provoking government isn't going to accomplish anything. All it does is disturb the majority of people and weaken the activist's credibility. Think back to Kokesh's gun-related civil disobedience. The only way he would've been able to get a jury to nullify the law is if public opinion was already on his side, and it clearly wasn't. Instead of convincing his opponents, he landed himself a jail sentence and drew the ire of the media and citizens of D.C. While he may have rallied supporters, it's impossible to lead a group from a cell in solitary confinement.

If there's anything to learn from Kokesh's ordeal as a provocateur, it's that confrontational and combative ways of persuasion are ineffective. This fall, Kokesh decided to spurn his past as an instigative activist and transition towards fundamentally changing the way people think about government. To do so, he plans on spending 2015 living out of an RV and touring 150 American cities to promote his book, Freedom, and returning to his most effective way of persuasion (the way which convinced me) - directly interacting with the public, interviewing people, and making compelling verbal and written arguments.

We can apply Kokesh's lesson to more than just spreading libertarian ideology. Many individuals, groups, and organizations are attempting to solve today's problems through combative and provocative means. Workers illegally block roads to protest higher wages. Individuals upset with Darren Wilson's acquittal chain shut mall doors on Black Friday and loot and destroy businesses. All of these actions are futile when it comes to changing public opinion. If someone disagrees with an activist's point, they're not going to see the activist's law-breaking or destructive behavior as justified.

If we want to do more than just rally our allies, we have to switch away from poking back at our opponents, seeking revenge, and aggressively protesting. In order to get what we want, public opinion has to be on our side. No matter how right or wrong revolutionaries may be, they are always going to be seen as aggressors in the wrong as long as the status quo shapes public opinion. In order to solve society's most complex problems, we have to change the status quo, not fight it. Fighting back is easy - it's our knee-jerk instinct. Dissolving that instinct and relentlessly writing, speaking, and advocating for a solution is much harder, but it is necessary. The solutions to today's toughest problems aren't going to arise as a result of infantile fighting - they're going to emerge as the product of years of hard work, where society's best minds strive to change and mold public opinion.
Th25cc   
Aug 19, 2014
Undergraduate / A mix between a "central identity" story and "challenging an idea" - Common Application Essay [3]

Thanks for the advice. I definitely agree with your suggestion in terms of deleting the first paragraph, as well as making it more question-oriented. I can see how focusing on the search for the answers to the questions, rather than the conclusions, would make my candidacy to a university more appealing. They want people who will do the research, interact with others, and attempt to reach a conclusion/solution. They don't want people that know all the answers coming in. I don't claim to know everything, but applying labels probably makes it seem like I think I do.

Fortunately I have until January to make this perfect...

I'll post any revisions as I complete them.
Th25cc   
Aug 16, 2014
Undergraduate / A mix between a "central identity" story and "challenging an idea" - Common Application Essay [3]

I wrote this essay back in June for a class assignment, although the topic is definitely something I'd consider writing about when I go to submit the common application in a few months. My safety school (UW-Madison) is not on the common application, so I can afford to be bold with this essay in an attempt to gain admission into low match/stretch schools.

Usually politics is considered off limits for admissions essays, but politics is a large part of my identity. I don't need any feedback in terms of grammar; rather, I'm interested in what you guys think about the idea in general.

Here's the list of schools my common app essay will go to: Cornell, Pennsylvania, Princeton, Washington in St. Louis, Northwestern, and Georgetown (so far).

The essay:

Far too many young adults these days reject political and philosophical ideologies. They simply accept the world as it is and have no desire to change things. I personally, however, cannot be separated from political and philosophical ideology - I constantly seek the truth. In the last few years of my life, I have spent a great deal of time defining, establishing, and arguing for my political and moral values. I constantly challenge ideas, and as a result, I am at the ideological point I'm at today.

I first became interested in the political arena during Wisconsin's Act 10 chaos of 2011. I remember watching "The Ed Show" every evening during the thick of the action and agreeing wholeheartedly with the host's views. I was essentially an MSNBC liberal, and a rather ignorant one.

That's okay though. There's nothing wrong with being "wrong", as long as you continue to challenge your ideas and seek the truth. Obviously, the "truth" I speak of is immensely subjective, but I personally believe that everyone can and should be able to realize the truth that I have. The intellectual journey begins.

I don't remember why, but I began to challenge my narrow-sighted liberal beliefs by watching Paul Ryan videos on YouTube. I can still picture Ryan arguing for a tax code that is "fair, simple, and competitive". I don't think Ryan's ideas enthralled me, but they served as a means of reaching the ideas of Ron Paul, which I found to be really exciting.

I'm so deep in the ideology that I'm not sure what set me off in terms of adopting values similar to those of Ron Paul. Perhaps it was his passion or his impeccable voting record, but I suspect that it was the simplicity and coherence of his libertarian values. The idea that people should be able to do whatever they'd like as long as they don't infringe on the rights of others resonated with me. Paul's exposure of the failures of the monetary system also intrigued me. I was shocked at how we could allow a central bank to dictate the economy and consequently our fate. His "blowback" theory of foreign policy made perfect sense. I now considered myself a "libertarian", but definitely not an anarchist... How things would change.

I then stumbled upon the works of Adam Kokesh. He takes libertarianism to an extreme, arguing that as a result of the non-aggression principle, government can't legitimately exist. One of his favorite things to do is interview people and question them until they realize taxation is theft unless the government owns us. I remember trying to reject this notion as much as I could, but it just wasn't possible. There is no way to argue against complete voluntarism since anything else advocates violence, and violence is something that we universally reject. Looking back now, I realize that I held on to statism simply out of the fears I had with the connotations of being an anarchist, anarcho-capitalist, or full out libertarian. As a society, we associate these terms with lunacy, and as a result, I was a bit reluctant to accept them.

I'm at the point now where I believe government cannot morally exist since it isn't a voluntary agreement between people. If we have the right to be free from violence, government automatically breaks that right by claiming the ability to initiate force on us, even if that use of force is decided by a majority vote. I don't claim to know exactly how a truly free society would work, but I am convinced as far as the moral logic goes.

It's been a quick few years, and I've gone from being a liberal to being a libertarian or anarcho-capitalist. In college, I will enjoy challenging my ideas, both introspectively, and also through engaging with my peers and professors.

End Essay

Thanks for reading. I'll be glad to help out all of you with your essays as well!
Th25cc   
Nov 30, 2013
Undergraduate / Medicine has long been a dream of mine; Brown PLME -Experiences/ Why a good fit? [4]

This is an excellent essay - probably almost perfect. You definitely have the skills to analyzing your own writing, so consider all of your experiences and the experiences you've written about and make sure you've fit all of the best experiences within the 500 word limit. The only one that can assure that this is your best writing is you.

Your style, tone, diction, and word choice are all amazing and you are very skilled at sharing stories without making the details sound forced or fake.

If the rest of your academic profile is as good as your writing is, you will have no problem getting accepted into the PLME.

You have a great future ahead of you. Enjoy the ride.
Th25cc   
Nov 30, 2013
Undergraduate / Common App: A story that is central to your identity? - Trains [7]

I see how the fact that it was his first trip is important, but you still need to say it another way. Something like "my grandfather, on his first trip to the US, joined me as I climbed onto a replica Orient Express". You can use the appositive structure that you've used, but it works best when grandfather is the subject of the sentence.

I see you say "awaiting children" when talking about going to Machu Picchu, so I think the best way to incorporate the story would be to mention you are going to visit children there, and then you introduce the story by saying something like "I reflected upon my previous work with children..." or "the prospect of working with children again brought back memories as to how amazing my previous experiences were..."

Whatever transition you do, I think it needs to involve the children at Machu Picchu first. Then, you can reference the story since it relates to what you were going to do after the train arrived.
Th25cc   
Nov 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Common App: A story that is central to your identity? - Trains [7]

It was a snowy December afternoon when my grandfather, on his first trip to the US, and I climbed into a replica Orient Express.

Get rid of "on his first trip to the US". It doesn't fit into this sentence at all.

This is a nice story and you're definitely a talented creative writer, but I think you could do a better job connecting the train idea and the helping children idea. The story is a bit random when you say that you are going to have to work with children 48 hours after being at machu picchu.

Make the transitions a bit better and I think you have a very nice story that definitely adds to your application. It is probably good enough already, but making the ideas flow more will make the essay great.
Th25cc   
Nov 29, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Best motivation and depression' - my enemy had turned into my motivator. [3]

I think this is a good start but you need to connect more to the second part of the prompt asking "what about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are". You have solid writing skills - you just need to do a little bit more with this part of the prompt.

Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea to explain how you beat depression. You just said you overcame it but not how you overcame it.
Th25cc   
Sep 21, 2013
Undergraduate / I love challenges; PERSONAL STATEMENT; MA in Economics [6]

I definitely like how you focus on your goal.

Basically you can describe your background and how that is already getting you to where you want to be and then explain why this university will help you get there. Additionally, you can briefly talk about the future. Just show that you're a determined person who has already worked towards a goal and simply needs to further their education to get there.
Th25cc   
Sep 21, 2013
Undergraduate / I love challenges; PERSONAL STATEMENT; MA in Economics [6]

Right now the only thing you tell me is that you just want to do some studying and that you've done all of these cool things in China. You don't present any sort of life goal/plan or any reason why you need to get this economics degree other than you want it.

I wouldn't admit you with this essay. I expect all students applying for this MA in economics to have qualifications similar to yours. What will differentiate you is some sort of career or life goal that just happens to include this university. Show yourself as someone having great ideas and plans that are dependent upon first receiving an education at this university. No one cares if you want to study something - they care about what you want to do with it. Perhaps your goal could be something like "designing and implementing policy solutions that benefit poor Chinese citizens" or something like that.

Also, be sure to know what school of economics your institution teaches. If you're talking about how you love government economic plans in a very Austrian or free-market university, you'll probably be denied simply because the University would rather work with free-market students. The same occurs if you talk about free-market or Austrian economics to a government-loving institution. You have to really know your audience, especially when it comes to economics since the way particular universities think is so drastic.

I like how you want to work with certain professors, but express your desire to work with them as stemming from a desire to gain more experience that will allow you to achieve your goals and do great things.
Th25cc   
Sep 20, 2013
Research Papers / GUN CONTROL LAWS in the USA; ENG 102 Essay [3]

This is a well-written essay but I can't really help you when I don't know what you're being graded on. What was the prompt or assignment? Is there a rubric you were given?

Also, you mention how the liberal argument is based on emotion, yet the majority of your argument is emotional as well. The emotional argument you are making isn't wrong (I like it), but you might want to include some hard statistics or logical explanations like "people have the right to do things as long as they don't harm others" and "stripping the gun rights of citizens is basically curbing safety and liberty in the name of safety. Who cares about the statistics when we're diminishing individual safety?"

You've done well so far. I can assist you further if you describe in more detail what the assignment is and how it is graded. Also, if you have a hardcore liberal/socialist professor, be careful with arguments like these. Although you're certainly absolutely right in this argument, it might be worth making up some liberal/socialist propaganda in the name of getting a good grade. If you know your professor well and he/she is a good person don't worry with your opinion.
Th25cc   
Sep 16, 2013
Undergraduate / l I worked as a tech at a therapy clinic; PTCAS 2013/decision making process [3]

I think you need to do more comparing and contrasting between physical therapy and other health careers. All of your peers in college will share the same interest as you do, so I wouldn't discuss interest or fascination in your essay. I see this essay addressing the question "why is physical therapy the best?".
Th25cc   
Sep 16, 2013
Graduate / I have gained distinctive academic results; Motivation Letter/ Background and future plans [3]

Your motivation should extend beyond your interest for the topic and your admiration for the standards of the university. Every student should be interested in the topic and like the university they are attending. See if you can find a different motivation. Something like "I need to do this to achieve my goal and this is what I've done so far to get there (background).
Th25cc   
Sep 16, 2013
Graduate / "Wrong Email/Password"; Masters in Information Security - Statement of Purpose [4]

This statement of purpose should be telling me what your purpose is behind wanting to study information system security at your university. Right now, your essay shares a far-fetched story and a bunch of qualifications and credentials that you have. I could care less if you are fascinated by information security or enthralled by certain college courses. Leave out the fluffy adjectives. Your purpose is no different than anyone else's purpose - all of the applicants are probably sharing some cool story that supposedly prompted them to want to pursue the same career as you and all of them have probably taken classes, done internships, and worked in your field.

You can differentiate yourself by offering up a goal you have and then explaining how you need to complete this master's program in order to get there. You can still share your story, but the reasoning behind that should be closer to "I'd like to learn at your university to help accomplish my goal of eradicating hacking within personal email" instead of "getting my email hacked made me want to pursue a career in information security". I find it hard to believe that from one moment you knew what you wanted to do as a career. Your logic would indicate that every time a problem happens to you, you want to make a career out of addressing that problem.

Here's the structure I'd like to see.

1. Share career goal and a situation which would be rectified if you achieved your career goal.
2. Previous experiences.
3. Why you need this university to achieve that career goal.
4. If you are accepted and obtain this degree, what will your plan of action be afterwards?

Colleges love it when they are an integral part of a student's success. Every applicant is qualified and is interest and enthralled by the subject. What differentiates them is there plan.

You may say something like this:

"My goal is to eradicate hacking within personal email platforms. Ever since my personal email was hacked, I found that I had an interest in the field and would enjoy making a career out of solving information security issues. So far I have done x, y, and z to help me reach my goals, but I need to complete the program at your university in order to help me get there. Upon completing this degree, I will have the tools and skills necessary to achieve my goals."

You might get accepted with your current essay but it is so prototypical. You can do better by being unique and showing your definitive plan.
Th25cc   
Sep 16, 2013
Essays / Simple Question - Just need help on finalizing thesis statement [3]

Your thesis should not have examples in it. This limits the rest of your essay and makes what should be a claim into a plan of development.

Say something like "While Buddhism and Taoism teach similar principles, the path they use to teach these principles are different". Those are the only two parts you need. You don't need the examples, and it would be better if you eliminated them so you could free up your essay to discuss any principle and how the teaching methods are different.
Th25cc   
Sep 15, 2013
Undergraduate / I am proud to be a Nigerian; background or story [4]

You've done a good job sharing your background. This essay isn't really meant to be argumentative or specifically addressing a certain prompt, so the work you've done so far is good. You've certainly shared your story, and that's all you were asked to do.

One thing I might change is your referring to a group of Nigerians as a "herd". Multiple people are referred to as "a group", not as "a herd".
Th25cc   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / memo introducing myself. help: mechanicalism and grammar [4]

You probably don't have to, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to include something like "I appreciate you taking the time to get know me. I look forward to working with you this semester/year."
Th25cc   
Sep 15, 2013
Undergraduate / What are your career goals and how did you develop them? general physician [2]

It's not always best to start with a quote. It can work, but it's something that many people do and you're basically just using what someone else said to express your own ideas. You might as well just state what the quote says yourself. I like your personal story about Charles although that would fit better at the start of the essay.

You could mention Charles and how that experience has led to an interest in medicine and a desire to help your community by becoming a general physician. Additionally, you might want to discuss why the university you want to attend can help you achieve that goal. Universities like it when they have a student with a goal that plans on using them to achieve it. Interest and motivation are great, but if you discuss your goals in more detail and explain why this university will help you achieve them, you should have no problem getting admitted. You probably will even with this essay.

Good work so far.
Th25cc   
Sep 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Analyzing the fusion data; Short CalTech Essays - Ethics and Humor [4]

The way you talk about your scientific experiment seems to suggest that you were doing monumental research or something. For example, the phrase "shrouding the research community into further darkness" suggests that your experiment/lab wasn't done in a school setting, although your situation makes it pretty evident that your lab was for a school project.

I also think many people will talk about cheating in school. If you could think about another ethical problem and discuss that I think you'd be better off. Also, your tone works best in the humor essay but not in the ethical dilemma essay. Your ethical essay exaggerates the importance of this lab and seems a bit fancy. I'd prefer to see a different topic that is less discussed. When you talk about this topic, weigh both sides of the problem and explain why you made a certain choice.

Neither of your essays are bad, but your ethics essay could delve a bit deeper into the moral problems of an issue other than cheating. Cheating is pretty common and boring. Think of something bigger.
Th25cc   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / GRE: Colleges and universities should specify all required courses [3]

When you state the claim and reason at the top of the essay, is that your claim and reason or the claim and reason of the prompt? To further help you it would be nice if I could see what the question they are asking you is. Also, I don't think taking an on the fence position is best. You say that students have choice yet some courses should be required. Also, I don't know what you mean by "would end up with learning varied unrelated subject".
Th25cc   
Sep 15, 2013
Undergraduate / What Matters to You (Stanford): Cooking [5]

Your essay is confusing. You didn't really address what matters to you. Is cooking what matters to you or is that just an example? Is carving your own route what matters to you?

You have very solid writing skills but I don't think this essay addresses the prompt.
Th25cc   
Sep 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Person Who Influenced (Princeton): My Father and the Butterfly [3]

I like your story but one thing you could do would be to include a topic sentence/paragraph and concluding sentence that directly state/summarize how your father has influenced you. The person you're discussing isn't evident to the very end.

Keep the story. Just be a bit more direct.
Th25cc   
Sep 15, 2013
Graduate / My father had a clogged artery & heart surgery; Why Physical Therapy Grad School? [2]

This is probably good enough to get you admitted but one thing you should add is a discussion of why you want to be a physical therapist. It's great that you're interested in it, and you do briefly mention that you like to motivate others, but I think you still have room to include a larger picture of the goodness you'd like to spread by being a physical therapist. Essentially, you could focus a bit more on the helping others aspect instead of the interest aspect. You could share what you envision your career to be (improving your community by being helping people like your father get better or something like that) and you should also explain how this program is what you need to get there.

Every student is interested in what they're studying. Not every student can articulate a life plan that they have and show why they need the college to help them get there. Colleges also like having graduates that are amazing people. They want to spread their name through the community service of their amazing graduates. They can't spread their name by giving someone a degree just to satisfy that person's interest.
Th25cc   
Sep 15, 2013
Graduate / Finally Seeing Myself as a Grown-Up (Temple University) [4]

You don't talk at all about your personal accomplishments and your only professional accomplishment is landing a job. Having a job really isn't anything special. If you're going to talk about your professional accomplishments, show how they've made individual people, your community, or the world a better place. If you're just using that job as a way of bolstering your personal life, show how you've had an amazing personal life because of your career that you obtained thanks to your experiences in college.
Th25cc   
Sep 15, 2013
Graduate / KNOWLEDGE; Letter of Motivation - MS in Electrical Engineering [5]

You use way too many big words to express your interest in technology - words like "insatiable", "unrelenting", and "penchant". Also, no one cares that you like electrical engineering. Isn't that something that every student pursuing your degree would say? All of them would tout their qualifications too.

Basically, you've presented a cliche essay in which you use outlandish adjectives to bolster your credibility while simultaneously sucking up to the awesomeness of your university. You're not a bad writer - your topic is simply overused and sub-par.

I'd like to see you write an essay where you share why this degree is necessary for you to achieve some goal of changing the world through implementing some technology. Every student likes their major, has done internships, and feels that their university is the best. Very few students can say "I have this plan and your masters program is what I need to get there".

This essay is about motivation, so if I was admitting you to the program I'd like to see why you want to get the degree. I could care less if you'd enjoy it or not - I want to see what you plan on doing with it. What you plan on doing with it should be your motivation, not your interest in the topic. Colleges want to have graduates that do great things in the world. You won't present yourself as special by sounding smart and listing all of your experience. You'll be special when you deviate from the status quo and present your career goals, your motivation for those goals, and why the master's program is something you need to get where you want/need to go.

I have no doubt that you'll be accepted into this program, even if you do submit this essay. It's better than most I've seen but you could still make it extraordinary.
Th25cc   
Sep 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Visiting Duke; Common App - Trinity College of Arts & Sciences/ Duke a good match [2]

The prompt says you should respond if you're applying to the Trinity College of Arts and Sciences. I'm not aware of what that comprises, but you discuss medical school in your answer. Are you indeed applying to the college of Arts and Sciences? If you are, I think your answer should be more specific towards that college itself. Duke knows they have a top eight medical school and they know they have a college rivalry. I think they'd want to see why you value the program of arts and sciences and how you plan on using that program as a launch pad to whatever you plan on doing in your future.

I find the sports rivalry to be pretty trivial and the top eight school thing to be a boring fact. Duke wants to see why their arts and sciences program is best for you and what you're going to do with it after college. Anybody can say they like the sports teams and spout off facts about how awesome the college is.

Be more specific.
Th25cc   
Feb 17, 2013
Undergraduate / BAD History - Explaining Academic Dismissal [10]

I like the essay. The only change I would suggest is perhaps you could give the background information on why you were dismissed prior to you bringing up how you found out about the dismissal. I think it'd be best to tell the story in chronological order.
Th25cc   
Feb 11, 2013
Undergraduate / Everything is about Choices- COMMON APP/ Hardships [10]

I remember your writing that i looked over several weeks ago and I have to say that this is far better than anything I ever saw in the past. If you make any changes to this essay and need further revision, I'll try to help you out and edit/revise.

Good luck! I hope you go far.
Th25cc   
Jan 25, 2013
Undergraduate / Medicine/ volunteer/ Visual Art ; UW-MADISON - Academic/Extracurricular/ Research [5]

Regarding the UW-Madison essay:

You simply state that you enjoy all of this stuff and you will participate in opportunities that satisfy your interests. I personally would like to see some sort of plan that goes beyond interest. It would be best if you discussed some sort of goal you have within life and how UW-Madison is the best at helping you achieve that goal. University admissions officers like to see people that will use the University's services to do great things in the world, not just satisfy their own personal interests.

I think you can write well, but you need to shift your focus from interests and more towards goals.
Th25cc   
Jan 20, 2013
Undergraduate / PURSUIT OF MY NEW PASSION; REASONS -TRANSFER [6]

I don't say this often, but this essay is almost perfect. I've read plenty of essays on this forum, and your piece is probably in the top three.

Good job, and good luck with your transfer!
Th25cc   
Jan 13, 2013
Undergraduate / 'The biggest small' - Passion/ Pressure/ COMMON APP; Issue of importance [21]

With higher quality in education, better job opportunity, and more promising future, the possibilities increase in a high percent the fact of big achievement.

From this sentence, it seems like you will discuss education, job opportunity, and a more promising future. I need to see more than three sentences about each. I like your conclusion paragraph for the most part.

Your content and structure is getting better, but it still needs some work. Try to follow a structure like this:

Introduction:
You can keep one similar to what you have now. I like the first sentence, but you need to improve upon your sentence that previews what the essay will discuss. I like the ideas of education and job opportunity, but a more promising future is just too vague. Try to find a better idea.

The ending sentence will look something like this:

Higher education quality, increased job opportunity, and [new idea] all give me the opportunity that I did not have in Mexico. (Regarding Mexico: You can spell it in the English way or the Spanish way - just make sure you're consistent throughout the essay.)

Paragraph 1: Education

I like how you are comparing education in Mexico and the United States. You could probably be a bit more specific and detailed about both.

Paragraph 2: Job Opportunity

I don't like how you just give statistics about the economy as a whole. Give a personal discussion about what the job-seeking process would look like in Mexico, and compare it to the process in the United States.

Paragraph 3: [New Idea] - It should be the best idea, too. The best always comes last.
Include a personal compare/contrast discussion. Make it specific to you.

Conclusion:

I am very thankful for the opportunity that the United States has been able to offer me. [Link together all three of the ideas, and discuss how they all help you increase opportunity.] [Give a discussion about how, without the opportunity that the United States provides, you would be unable to achieve your goals.] That is why opportunity is so important to me.

[End Conclusion]

Remember the essay prompt is an issue of importance to you. You need to make sure to tie in that concept at the introduction and the conclusion.

I don't think this revision should be as long as some of the others. You just need to make sure to include a bit more content and make the essay structure perfect. After that we can take a look at grammar. Unlike most people, you actually have quite a bit of time!

Good luck.
Th25cc   
Jan 12, 2013
Undergraduate / Track and Field; Extracurricular Common App Portion. [6]

Look at the third correction I made in my first post. You forgot to include the apostrophe in "team's", and you also did not include the comma after meet.

Other than that, everything else looks fine.

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