Undergraduate / "Changed Person and Student" readmission letter [2]

Excellent essay. Clearly conveyed why you suddenly plummeted; convincingly conveyed why and how you will bounce back. I have practically nothing to pick on.

Good luck!

~amorphous1

Undergraduate / I know I am responsible for taking care of my younger siblings; U PENN [4]


Wrong word usage - abysmal is an adjective, not a noun. The word you are looking forward should be 'abyss.' Consider rephrasing to 'I felt helpless, as if I was trapped in an abyss.'

Otherwise, a moving yet practical essay. Good work.

~amorphous1

Undergraduate / Legacy,pride,challenge,pursuit of something great; Air Force Academy "why attend?" [3]


Consider enhancing parallelism: 'to my grandpa it means tradition and honour' ; 'to my friends it means fun-hating and push-up-loving.'

Otherwise, excellent, powerful essay.

~amorphous1

Undergraduate / Accomplishments of Warren Buffet; UT- lifetime goals/academic &extra-curricular activities [2]

Excellent essay! Minor nitpicks below:


Be concise. Choose two adjectives that do not overlap in meaning.

Otherwise, clear exposition that conveys most, if not all, the ingredients in an essay UT admission officers should be looking for.

~amorphous1

Undergraduate / Norway is multicultural; University of Washington - short response, International freshman [2]


What do you have to contribute? Your Norwegian heritage? Your multi-cultured background? Your experiences with different religions? Clearly state what unique things you can contribute right in the beginning. You cannot afford to be vague and unconvincing in the first paragraph of your essay.

Overall comments:
The raw materials are all here. Excellent work! Refine your intro, and you'll be good to go.

~amorphous1

Graduate / Goals essay for career change to IT through MS in MIS (Management Information Systems) [2]

Excellent essay. You have clearly showed your passion for IT. You have also established your past experience and interest in computers that show you can take on IT.


To me, this is the single most persuasive reason for your applications to MMIS. Consider highlighting this essay by putting it around the beginning of your essay.

Good Job!

~amorphous1

Undergraduate / The ultimate American dream; perfect candidate for FIT? [3]

1.


The admissions officer is an American. He or she knows what it means by the American Dream. Get to the point you are trying to make: 'You have your own personal take on the American Dream'

2.


How is this different from the American Dream? Both yours and the conventional ultimately boils down to hustle, hustle, and more hustle.

3.


Good, you provide specific examples that support your passion for fashion. Beware of the risk of coming across as a materialistic, shallow person, however.

4.


Excellent! This is your thesis statement. Consider putting this right at the beginning. You must foreground this unique point you are trying to make. Putting this in front also offsets any materialistic negative connotations with your image.

5.


;


;


Too informal for essays. Superfluous fluff.

6.


Excellent! Good stuff.

Overall comments:

Good job! Iron out these wrinkles in your essays and you're good to go!

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement. Poetry and Engineering. [3]

For your poem, the message you are trying to convey is clear and positive. I like that. However, the examples (Barbie, President) and the phrases (road less travelled) used are rather hackneyed and unoriginal. Consider making it personal and unique to you and no one else.

For your engineering piece, there are two main issues.

1) 'so we usually were stuck watching a boring "science teacher" movie with a sub who liked to stop the video and comment on it, which was extremely annoying.'

Minimise negativity in your essays. You don't want to risk having any negative connotations associated with you. 'extremely annoying' only makes you sound puerile and unfit for Yale.

2) 'the personality and passion of the professors who will be teaching me for the next four years'

Specify which professor inspires you the most. This shows that you have done your research and are truly committed in your decision to attend Yale. Otherwise, it comes across as vague and unconvincing.

Hope this helps!

~amorphous1

Writing Feedback / "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again" - TOEFL essay [9]

Things you might consider to take your essay to the next level:

1.) Include personal experience relevant to the prompt. Anecdotes are easy to write about, and are excellent in bringing out your unique, personal voice. A unique, personal voice is key to a good essay. I'm sure there are times in your life when you felt the going was tough, but you put your head down and stuck through it, and ultimately succeeded in achieving something.

2.) Include allusions/references relevant to the prompt. In this case, off the top of my head I immediately thought of Thomas Edison, with his tremendous feats of perseverance during the invention of the light bulb.

These will help you flesh out your present essay into something that will probably net you a higher mark :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: HOW TO BE A QUALIFIED CO-WORKER? [3]

Great essay! I particularly like your conclusion. Only a few nitpicks:


Run-on sentences. Split into two sentences after 'problem'.


'Common' ideology sounds less awkward.


'Being enthusiastic about' would be a better choice of words.


Good attempt at engaging the reader, but try not to include such casual phrases during exams.

I don't see anything to be worried about on your TOEFL writing section. :)

Writing Feedback / 'Thank you God for those gifts' - friendship essay [11]

They are the noun form of the adjectives you used originally. In this context, noun is the correct form, not adjectives...I don't know which grammar rule to cite though, so I can't really help you identify the name of the error you made.

Poetry / I have to write a poem for our midterm exam... [6]

Here are some suggestions off the top of my head:

Waterfalls - their majestic display of power, energy; limitless potential; roar of crashing waters
Desert - their hidden dangers; all-consuming nature; bleak, homogenous landscapes; desolate, destitute
Sunset - all good things must come to an end; symbol of finality; duality - both signifying end and beginning with its cyclical nature
Clouds - the infinite shapes they can take up, their malleable; fluffy exteriors hiding their true ethereal, shortlived selves

Hope these helps!

Writing Feedback / St Augustine was the first individual who read silentlz; A silent force [4]

There was a legend that St Augustine was the first individual who read silently rather than aloud, semi-aloud. Reading as it was in St Augustine's day. There was a time when reading is a menial job of scribes and priests, not mark of civilization it became in Europe during the Renassance when it was seen as one of the civilized individual. Interesting introduction, a good 'hook.' But what is the central message you are trying to convey, i.e. your thesis statement?

Literacy influences the economic of countries today. While the Western countries have been seen decline of this area, other less developed countries have advanced, in some case, overtaken the western countries. European countries have satisfied with their laurelsrested on their laurels in the past for too long, so they need to look for the suitable solutions. Elaborate.

Reading is an economic force. It is the bedrock of economic advancement, particularly in the present technological age. Studies have illustrates that the benifit to the economic by increasing the literacy and numeracy skills of primary school children generally is in billions of pounds in UK. Elaborate. Also, 'studies have shown' sentences are a major turnoff. Refer to a real source, make the claim your own, or do something else. Right now, it's as if you copied this statement off a textbook.

Part of the problem with reading is that it is not appreciated in most developed societies. This attitude is that has condemned large of population in Western countries to illiteracy. The attitude to reading amongst young also have a big influence. Students at school, college usually give a name for students who read many books called bookworms. The solitude of reading seems not appealing as sitting in front of computer screens or a Walkman. Peer pressure among young people is so powerful. It can kill any attempts to change attitudes to habits like reading. OK. An improvement from the first two paragraph. There are many ideas here, ripe for exploration! You can expound on any of them, and flesh this paragraph out into a proper one. Start revising your entire essay from here

In conclusion, I think if all of us are become bookworms, why not? Why the sudden jump to a personal musing? I see what you're getting at, but do elaborate more on how the bookworm label should actually be worn with pride, and the potential of it instigating a change in society-wide attitudes towards reading.

Is there a writing prompt for this essay? Is this supposed to be a history essay? Do include more information, otherwise we won't be able to help you. Otherwise, all I can say judging from this piece is that it's rather disjointed and short in length. Paragraphs lack elaboration and do not flow nicely from one another. Needs much more work.

Scholarship / 'James and in-depth version of my story' - about how someone has impacted your life. [18]

The main problem with your essay is the lack of focus. jkjeremy has done a fantastic job of trimming down most of your essay, cutting out irrelevant portions and replacing long-winded sentences with more concise statements. So yes, I would advise not to keep your original introduction - it's the sort of beginning that would immediately put your reader to sleep. Better cut straight to the point: who influenced your life and how did he do so.

I'm not sure what this essay is for, but I don't think it's a good idea to complaining about your parent's inability to assist you in your transition into your new life. It only portrays you as an ungrateful person. Also, it takes away from the focus of your essay.

Nevertheless, it's a good thing you got a first draft out! For me, the first try is always the hardest (and the most disheartening). Now, it's the fun stuff that follows: editing your piece until you are happy with it. You're lucky to have jkjeremy's guidance, so better get cracking! :)

Writing Feedback / 'Thank you God for those gifts' - friendship essay [11]

Friends are good and gifts from god to our life to bethat make us happy and support us under all conditions. ItsIt's a relationship fallfull of faithful, sincere and honestfaith, sincerity, and honesty .

Friendship is so important for us, Itbecause it makes us sociable and get rid of shynessless shy . Friends encourage us regardless ofin bad andor good conditions : they feel gladnesswithin your achievements and push you to achieve your dreams. Friends are like tree the seeds in the soil: even though bad conditions and storms that are exposedthey are exposed to the elements, they grow so hardtenaciously and becamebecome strong trees. Similarly,so the friends,despitewith the the bad state of affairs the relation is ingrow , will become strong and close with each other.

The fF riends respect your opinion and knowunderstand how do you think and feel even if your friend incompatibilityis incompatible with you and you have different opinions . He can understand you with his own way and he can bearstolerate your temper. He can relax you .We need friends especially When we have a problems, we need friends especially. They can encourage us, help us find the solution and how to overcome the problems.

I have a lot of friends. Some of them are close friends and others are less they occupied a large part in my life. I have friend her name Anna,. She is so smart and affictionate and sweetheartsweet . We do a lot of activity like as go to the picnic, play tennis and racing together.We spend interesting time with each other. sS he can speak turkish so she learnsteaches me. We alternativeexchangeall secretsecrets with each other. She is only I confident with hermy only confidante . we lighter about our worriesWe lighten each others' mood . She is always with me in each step in my life.

Thankful god for those gifts in our life - friends are important to our lives like a breathevery single breath we take .

I've made many grammatical revisions to your essay, and added a few stylistic revisions as well. Good luck for your TOEFL exam, hope this helps!