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Posts by jflo
Joined: Aug 9, 2013
Last Post: Aug 26, 2013
Threads: 4
Posts: 12  
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From: Philippines

Displayed posts: 16
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jflo   
Aug 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts: Should we ban private education? NO! [4]

Hey guys, what do you think about this essay? How would you guys score my work?

Task description. Some people feel that the responsibility for providing education should be done only by the government and that private education should be banned. Do you agree or disagree

The unfortunate reality that the state has not prioritized education is one reason why private education should be retained. Therefore, on my part, i would have to oppose with the restriction of private education for several reasons.

For one, although the government provides an annual budget for education, allocation is lesser in comparison with other sectors of the state. There is insuffient funds that cannot satisfy the needs of the current number of school children. If all students opted to avail public education, funding should be increased. In the Philippines, the lack of classrooms, books and school paraphernalias in state-owned institutions are just few of the pressing and usual problems encountered every academic year. This is usally rooted to the lack of money given my government institutions.

Another relevant argument is the shortage of manpower to service the vast number of pupils. There is an imbalanced ratio of teachers and students; thus, teaching is ineffective. In some schools, classes are divided to morning, afternoon and sometimes evening sessins in order to accommodate all students. The faculty is unable to perform their duties efficiently due to the stress and exhaustion of holding classes the whold day. Moreover, schools cannot employ additional teachers because of the limited slots for government positions even if there is an apparent need to address this scarcity.

It is also important to note that there is also a deficiency of school buildings and school materials. The quality of learning is jeopardized when students are taught in unfavorable situations. It is typical to see teachers holding their classes under a tree while two students are observed to be sitting together in a single chair. To make matters worse, they would be sharing a single book or none at all when ideally, pupils should have their own books to use.

In conclusion, I reaffirm my position that the government should not ban private education unless adequate funds to resolve the problems in infrastructure, workforce and educational materials are addressed. I believe that pupils have the right to receive education the right way.

/// sorry, i forgot to place this under writing feedback.
jflo   
Aug 12, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: CLIMATE CHANGE ISSUE - Not enough political action! [8]

I'll put that mind. Thanks.

Reasons #2, 3 and 4 follows reason #1, which is the creation of the law. Implementation and sanctions are based from the laws made. But i guess the important thing is presenting the strongest argument first, so i'll put reason #2 first.

I did not want to generalized that corruption was happening, so i just stated a possibility. :)
jflo   
Aug 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Public Libraries and computer technology [4]

This type of task confuses me. Both "discuss both views"
and "to what extent to do you agree and disagree" belong to a type a2 type of task description and my teacher from the review said we follow the same format for both and should say something about the unchoosen(first) and choosen(2nd) side then state more reasons for the choosen side, whilst for a do you agree/disgree type, directly justify the choosen side.

Thanks for the heads up. I should really ask my reviewer about the difference between the two. :)
jflo   
Aug 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Public Libraries and computer technology [4]

hey guys, maybe you could help me with this one. Let me know if my sentences are loose or if my essay lacks ideas and examples. I am way past the 250 words mark so i have no space for specific examples. I'm trying out a different approach in writing my essays.

task description: Public libraries should not be mained anymore since we already have computer technology. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement and give your opinion.

The advancement of technology has paved a way for traditional means to be rapidly replaced by the use of digital gadgets in almost aspects of the people's lives even in acquiring new information. In today's world, some had questioned the existence of public libraries when computers can be used instead.

The convenience brought about by the accessibility and portability of digital machinery and gadgetry is highly attractive to some individuals. The use of these instruments mean being able to access a massive amount of information while inside the house or office at anytime time of the day. One do not have to travel from place to the library, and once there do not have go through the thousands of pages of books just to find what they are looking for. Furthermore, the materials are up to date as compared to published books and journals. A variety of mediums, such as videos and photographs, are readily available. All of which can easily be obtained by keying in a few words in the search bar.

Public libraries, however, provide and extensive and validated form for resources. The materials found in this institution are done and checked by experts which makes it a more reliable source of information. Books are also consistently being updated when new versions are published which means resources are also at par with the continuing time. Although there may be issues of accessibility due to time constraints, public libraries are opened most days of the week with late closing hours. Anyone are welcome to experience the conducive environment and try out the services free of charge.

In my opinion, I believe that it is not necessary to cease public library operations. Library officials have responded to the developments of modern technology by providing computer stations for accessing the Internet. This, plus the information provided by the written publications gives the user a broader source of knowledge. The public are given more choices for their needs with the benefits of being in one building. It is similar to a department store with all the things they need found under one roof.

To sum up, the convenience and wide range of information given by computers is not enough reason for the closing of public libraries. Libraries not only offer digital and physical materials resources but also a favorable environment for the people.
jflo   
Aug 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS:TASK 2 - topic - studying at university/college or getting a job straight [2]

I think you should try using other transitional phrases, such as furthermore, moreover, in addition, in contrast, however., etc to introduce the another idea. On my first I look, i thought you used on the other hand twice. just saying. :)

"On the one hand, taking a job immediately" ... May be you can just start with "Taking a job immediately.. " then go on with

"On the other hand, higher education would enable.." on the next paragraph.

or

"On the one hand, taking a job immediately" .. then go on with
"However/ In Contrast, higher education would enable.." on the next paragraph.

either way, i think it shows contrast on the two paragraphs..
jflo   
Aug 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: tourism as source of revenue, disadvantages should not be overlooked. [5]

Question: tourism is becmong increasingly important as a source of revenue to many countries, but its disadvatages should not be overlooked. Discuss both views and discuss.

All over the world, nations are trying to showcase their respective countries to attract visitors because of the belief that with more tourist, more money will come in. Tourism will generate more income for the country and will have economic benefits even for the locals in a particular area. Investments will come in due to the high demand of services and to take advantage of the influx of visitors. In turn, the governement will earn money from the revenues collected from the business establishments,

The creation of jobs is also a response to the booming tourism. The need for manpower will arise to provide and supply the increasing needs of the visitors. For the business-inclined, it will be the perfect time to set up their businesses without having to worry about the number of people who will avail the products and services being offered. These new jobs are the sources of money for the laborers and business oweners alike.

However, the disadvantages of tourism should also be put into consideration. Pullotion threatens a certain place because of the growing number of people and establishments. For instance, garbage disposal may become a problem due to the increase volume of wastes and of people who who fail to properly dispose their wastes.

In addition, the natural beauty of the place being visited can be jeopardized. The development of the tourist spot by the local government to make it more tourist-friendly will only make it less natural because all the renovations done. Failure to preserve its natural element will make it less attractive as it was used to be. Subsequently, in more severe cases, the complete destruction of a particular tourist destination is a big possibility if no measure are done to prevent such occurences.

In conclusion, a flourishing tourism has it economical advantages for the country and its citizens. Its ill effects, however, can lead to the destruction of the enviromment that was once a beautiful and profit-generating attraction.
jflo   
Aug 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2-The rising levels of congestion and air pollution [5]

In recent times, a sharp increase in the number of cars plying on the roads have been seen/observed.

I think the use of person pronouns (we, us, i) should be avoided. "I" should be used only when giving sides. It gives the essay a more general view. :)
jflo   
Aug 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / Should sports and art be removed from curriculum? [10]

Firstly, in education, children who play sports...
Secondly...
Thirdly...

.
Or you can use your in addition, more over, furthermore to introduce another idea/ paragraph.

One idea= one paragraph, you have to expound by giving supporting details and then an example.

Parrellelism
Proper capitalization.
Subject verb agreement.
jflo   
Aug 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: CLIMATE CHANGE ISSUE - Not enough political action! [8]

Climate change is now an accepted threat to our planet, but there is not enough political action of control excessive consumerism and pollution. Do you agree or disagree?

I agree that the government has not taken an active role in prioritizing the welfare of the environment particularly the climate. Although there are several concerned individuals and organizations who have petitioned for an urgent action, politicians have not focused their attention to the environment. Most of the bills and policies created have emphasis on social and economic issues; and only a number of environment -related regulations are passed and approved in the upper court.

Furthermore, government officials themselves are not strict in the implementation of the laws. They have become lax in carrying out their responsibility to apprehend violators. Take the streets of Metro Manila for an example, a number of cars are emitting thick smokes from the mufflers and yet traffic officers do not pull them over for smoke belching when clearly there is an existing legislation that prohibits the use of such defective cars because of its known harm to the environment.

Moreover, the sanctions for breaking the laws are not tantamount to the degree of damage done to the planet. Fines and penalties are low. I believe equitable punishments should be imposed to prevent the repetition of the same violations. In some communities, the local council prohibits the incineration of wastes. Violators are only fined P1000 with detention.

In addition, corruption may have also taken a part in the failed attempt to penalize those who break the laws. Industrial factories that emit a dangerous amount of toxic fumes and gases are still operational. They should be closed down unless negotiations outside the perimeters of the law were already made. These companies are big and stopping their businesses will only lead to loosing more money. One cannot think of the possibility that a big sum of money may have been involved to keep these factories open.

Therefore, it is my belief that the government has not exerted all their efforts in caring for the climate. There may have been laws enacted to help save nature, but compliance and punishment for violations are unsatisfactory.