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Posts by sthakur
Name: Shambhawi Thakur
Joined: Oct 14, 2013		 Last Post: Oct 28, 2013
Threads: 2
Posts: 22  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 24
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sthakur   
Oct 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Personal Identity; U of M- Religious Community & my place within it [4]

I'm Hindu too! Hmm, I love the imagery in the beginning. And yeah, I feel you. I am not too religious but my morals revolve around my culture and religion. Hmm, I think you should describe a whole festival. Maybe Diwali! Since you started out with that. And don't be so explicit. Put in a narrative form. It'll make it a lot more interesting. You can do it :)
sthakur   
Oct 28, 2013
Essays / Essay About Introducing my Self - 'Reflections' [9]

Hmm, first decide on which personality trait you want to write about. Then write a narrative anecdote about yourself that relates to that theme. & the ed with a food for thought or something really interesting about you!
sthakur   
Oct 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Pablo Picasso's painting Guernica; Creative work that influenced me [3]

You need a hook to grab the reader's attention. And use better vocab like "depicts" instead of "shows". Also, don't be so generic. Be detailed as much as possible. And I like how you let them know that you're really interested in their college.
sthakur   
Oct 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Combinations of factors have sparked my passion for business studies [2]

I know that they want to know about your goals but at the same time they receive these kind of essays all the time. So, be more descriptive and creative. Make it interesting to read maybe by using narrative? I like how you are detailed about which programs you are interested in. If you have visited the college then I'd use that experience as a narrative story and put all those goals in. Also, flatter the college. Talk about how beautiful the campus is or even something specific.
sthakur   
Oct 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Garage sale as a place where I am content [3]

Oh my god! That was very well-written. And I like it a lot! I love yard sales as well and the fact that you used it for your perfectly content place is very unique and interesting. My only concern is that when you change paragraphs, the flow is messed up but it is fixable. You made a good use of vocab and the essay is also very descriptive which is really good.
sthakur   
Oct 27, 2013
Undergraduate / That flight brought me here; PLACE/ ENVIRONMENT - Perfectly content [6]

Hey, I traveled all the way from Nepal to USA and it took me around 32 hours in flight. And I definitely know what you're talking about because I went through that too! Hm, I'd say that you should focus a little more on the experience itself and be descriptive. Maybe describe what the view was like outside that tiny rectangular window. Perhaps, talk about how you were kind of worried about your approaching life as the view zoomed toward the ground? Something along those lines! Besides that, I like the concept :)
sthakur   
Oct 27, 2013
Undergraduate / I'm wild, weird and whimsical; Stanford Roommate Essay [3]

You make yourself sound like an interesting nerd! Try to lay off the prank level a bit because it seems like you're annoying. And don't tell, show. For example, the part where you say "I'm honest, open and flexible" try to describe that indirectly instead of stating it explicitly. Besides that, you sound like a cool person.
sthakur   
Oct 27, 2013
Undergraduate / What a Wonderful World: UVA/ surprised, unsettled, or challenged [12]

I just posted an essay on the same topic for UVA! I personally like your essay in that it's honest and has a positive ending. But my only concern is that college admissions don't like looking at essays about grief and depression. It's very well-written though!
sthakur   
Oct 27, 2013
Undergraduate / "Not another slow, gloomy song."; UVA Supplement ;College of Arts & Sciences [3]

I like how you are very descriptive with your essay. I can picture it. However, you're right! It's a little too cliche at the end and you need to minimize that as much as you can. And also, your first paragraph where you talk about how you ignored it the first time you heard it makes you sound like you don't wanna expand your horizons which a college wouldn't like to see and I know ou were trying to be honest but just an opinion and something to think about. Besides that, it's fantastic!
sthakur   
Oct 27, 2013
Undergraduate / UVA supplement: Anatomy is challenging and surprising! [8]

Thanks for your feedback! Yeah I italicized the title on my document but I forgot to italicize it on here! And yeah, I need to fix that but I'm not really good at showing :/
sthakur   
Oct 27, 2013
Undergraduate / sport ps - leadership and understanding :) [3]

Although, I liked how it was interesting to read because it was in dialogues, you should provide a lot more commentary to make the reader understand your thought process rather than just looking at what you told them. And stress on what it's like to be a leader and how you helped your team. Also, there are a few grammatical errors that needs correction.
sthakur   
Oct 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Alice's Adventures in Wonderland! Essay for Fashion Institute of Technology's FMM program [4]

I like how you tried to be creative with your essay using an interesting story. And yes, their clothes really are fascinating but I would say be more clear about the message. Write about how in real life your fashion expresses your personality and how you dress like yourself. You could compare your style to the Rabbit's style or Alice's style to make it interesting. And be descriptive to how the fashion sense actually looks like instead of being generic!
sthakur   
Oct 27, 2013
Undergraduate / UVA supplement: Anatomy is challenging and surprising! [8]

Warning: Only a Disney fanatic will understand. UVA Supplement

What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?

Warning: Only a true Disney fanatic will understand.

Disney taught us that "when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true." Whether it is a wish to go to the Ball, or to never grow up, or the desire to be a real boy, all wishes come true in a Disney story. However, one of the stories stands out to me the most: The Princess and the Frog. In this work of literature, Tiana has a selfless and realistic dream of opening her own restaurant to fulfill her father's aspirations and her personal passion for cooking. Through her hard work and determination, she manages to save enough money to attain her dreams. This tale does not involve any fairy godmother or a Genie but is instead proof of the rewards of hard work.

The story challenges me to "work real hard each and every day...and I'm almost there!" I no longer "wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish, I wish tonight."

I finally realize that a dream is a wish that cannot come true unless you work hard. Perhaps, blowing out birthday candles or making a wish upon the North Star or 11:11 is not the way to obtain fruitful outcomes. Even Jiminy the Cricket encourages that "any wish is possible. All it takes is a little courage, to set it free."

Thank-you for reading! I have to submit it within two days so I'd really appreciate any comments.
sthakur   
Oct 22, 2013
Undergraduate / I counted the number of "VT" flags ; TOP 5 REASON I WANT TO GO TO VIRGINIA TECH [3]

I like your reasons. But they're too generic. Be original! I like how you tied the reasons to your personal self and that is an important part of it so keep that! Try changing the reasons to something that others wouldn't really talk about. Something as little as maybe the architecture of the campus or a specific program they have? Good luck!
sthakur   
Oct 16, 2013
Undergraduate / I have been playing soccer since I was four; Duke University ; Extracurricular activities [9]

Um, yeah that'll work. Try to make it into a story. Describe a game. For example, With only a minute left on the clock, I took the ball from the defense and saw that my friend was not blocked. So, I passed the ball to him, who passed it on to another friend and scored a goal. We won! Rain drizzled from the sky to celebrate our victory. At that moment, I realized that teamwork was important...something like that. Be creative and interesting!
sthakur   
Oct 15, 2013
Undergraduate / UVA supplement-What's your favorite word and why? 250 [9]

Your essay sounds very sophisticated and intelligent. I like it! I would just put in a personal anecdote or something to make it more creative or interesting. And also, there are a couple sentences that are too long and are confusing. So, take care of those! :) & thanks for the feedback on mine!
sthakur   
Oct 14, 2013
Undergraduate / The hospital is a place where I have always felt comfortable; The Flying of A Dream [2]

I want to be a doctor too and I volunteered at a hospital over the summer as well. The story is common but I like how you took a unique spin to it. It's pretty neat how you got to be involved in a surgery because they rarely even allowed us near critical patients. Well, overall, you sounded very intelligent in your essay through the use of complex vocabulary. However, your hook needs some work and needs to grab the attention of the reader.
sthakur   
Oct 14, 2013
Undergraduate / UVA supplement: Anatomy is challenging and surprising! [8]

What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way? (roughly 250 words)

It's truly a wonder how we all carry a body around every day and everywhere yet most of us don't know what it is made of and how it functions.

Anatomy & Physiology has never failed to surprise me. Each day that I explore and expand on my knowledge of anatomy, I grow more curious to what lies inside my own body. It is like discovering new places in your own house.

Back in fourth grade, even the fact that we have 206 bones in our body was hard to believe.

And here I am today, learning about different kinds of epithelial tissues and that they are further categorized into different shapes: simple squamous, pseudo-stratified columnar, etc., each serving a unique function.

In addition to the element of surprise, anatomy is as complex as learning a foreign language. It is extremely difficult as it consists of memorization of countless concepts. However, the challenge is what makes it interesting and allows me to set my best foot forward.

Anatomy has even brought out my nerdy side to the point where I use anatomical directional terms to refer to the parts of my body. I also find jokes about arms quite humerus.

In brief, what lies beneath the epidermis is truly a phenomenon! What's even more appalling is that we walk around using technology gadgets with full knowledge on how they work but yet are oblivious to our own incredible human body that we have known throughout our lives.

Word count: 247/250
sthakur   
Oct 14, 2013
Undergraduate / 'top ranked' Georgia Tech Suppl. Essay- Why are you interested in attening Georgia Tech [2]

I think you should stray from being so explicit and try to be more creative with your writing. Use various sentence structures and make it interesting to read (you can write it informally too). I like that you are detailed about what aspect of their engineering program you are interested in but since Georgia Tech is difficult to get into, I would say be more creative and show them that they NEED to have you there!
sthakur   
Oct 14, 2013
Undergraduate / UVA Supplement: My favorite word- Sankalpa (Determination) [2]

What is your favorite word and why?

Sankalpa.
Translation: Determination.

When I visited my dad's hometown over the summer before seventh grade, it reminded me of how much I really cared about service to the common man. When I entered the small town in Jaleshwar-10 in a rickshaw, a three-wheeled means of transport, I noticed that the lean and poor rickshaw-puller had caught the flu virus.

I asked my dad out of curiosity, "Where's the free public hospital?"

"It's a mile away," my dad replied. "And it's not free."

I stared at him with disbelief as several questions flooded my brain. What if there was an emergency condition? What if a life was lost simply because the treatment was unaffordable?

That was when I knew I wanted to be a doctor and save money to establish a free public hospital in my poor town. But in ninth grade, I realized that biology is very difficult.

"It takes a lot of hard-work to become a doctor. Will I be able to do that?" I hesitantly asked my dad in Nepali, my mother-tongue.

"Kunai kaam ma dil ra dimag rakhyo bhane je pani sambhav hunchha. Ani khane mukhlai junga le chhek daina," my dad replied.
Translation: Anything is possible if you put your heart and mind into it. Plus, a moustache cannot obstruct a morsel of food.

So, I decided to stay determined. And if it weren't for the sankalpa, I would never be where I am today; a step closer to my attainable dream.
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