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Posts by greenleaf
Name: Diep Thanh Hao
Joined: Dec 5, 2013
Last Post: Dec 18, 2013
Threads: 4
Posts: 20  
Likes: 7
From: Viet Nam

Displayed posts: 24
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greenleaf   
Dec 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / Private funding for education may encourage citizens to become less dependent on a governments [6]

a notorious drop on

a significant decline in

been education and health services funded by individuals for its own benefit, allow them not to depend on the state

If education and health services are funded by individuals for its own benefit, people will not have to depend on the state.

The downsize ondownside of this approach it is related to

Overall, I think this is well written. Good luck with IELTS :)
greenleaf   
Dec 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / People listen to music for different reasons at different times [2]

People like me listen and make music just for fun. I play the piano as a hobby when I am bored and I listen to music every day before and after going to school. Most of the time, I play the songs I listen to and I feel the happiness by being able to play them. Honestly, I cannot imagine life without music.

I find this paragraph irrelevant to the topic. You didn't give reasons why music is so important to many people, but just presented your personal experiences.
greenleaf   
Dec 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS : Tradations and money-making attractions aimed at tourists [7]

Some suggestions:

as a type of pottery making skill is all most vanishedalmost vanished

Also the income from tickets is can be used

In conclusion/To sum up/To conlcude , my view is that traditions should be opened to public, but should be restricted

greenleaf   
Dec 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS- Workers in traditional industry (doctors, nursing and teachers) [7]

whether the industry such doctors, nursing and teaching should receivedreceive a higher salary than sports and entertainment

Although many people subscribe to the belief that doctors

the sporting and amusing players are the sameas important as doctors

live a better livelife

thus many people are more willing choose to work in the former fields

the young people will choose to learn

If people worked in doctors, nursing and education are paid more than sports and relaxation, thus many people are more willing choose to work in the former field, as a result, the young people will choose learn the relative major in order to get a high salary job when graduated, however, when the demand excess the offer, a high unemployment are ensuing to happen.

This sentence has some structure issues. You should devide it into shorter sentences.
Overall, I think your opinion was stated quite clearly, but you should pay more attention to grammar and vocabulary.
greenleaf   
Dec 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS-task1-the table below gives information related to population growth... [7]

It is important that you should make some comparisons between the figures. For example:
It is evident from the data supplied that population growth was contrary to life expectancy among the countries mentioned. Specifically, low income countries had the highest population growth, but their life expectancy was the lowest of all. Likewise, the longest-lived people were those who lived in high income countries, which had the smallest rate of population growth.
greenleaf   
Dec 12, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Should the government sponsor artists or artists sponsor themselves? [4]

Some minor mistakes:

For instance, it usually takes several years for a sculptor to finish a exquisite/delicate sculpture

It is apparent that the flourish of art industry will simulatesstimulate the business activities

I entirely agree that the government should financiallysubdisizesubsidize the artist

Overall, this is a very good piece of writing. Good luck with IELTS :)
greenleaf   
Dec 11, 2013
Writing Feedback / The Equal Rights: men should be responsible for children's upbringing [4]

Every childern who have the single mom always suffer from the lack of dad's care

"Mom" and "dad" are informal words. I think it is better to use "mother" and "father" in this type of essay.

which is one of the main reasonreasonstrigering totriggering/causing mental sporadic status

In conclusion,thereby those persuasive reasonsbecause of the aforementioned reasons , the partrole of men in chirlder's upbringing process

InBy doing so,both the mom,dad and chirlden

Hope this helps :)
greenleaf   
Dec 11, 2013
Writing Feedback / After 19 century, everything changes dramatically like never before - Life today is more comfortable [8]

After 19 century, everything changes dramatically like never before. An influx of artificial machines and new lifestyles impactimpacts our world.

You should not write numbers in your essay, except for years and statistics.

I think they leaded easier and more comfortable lifetime

they leaded an easier and more comfortable life

their life was simple

their lives were simple

It causes range from

It poses many serious repercussions, ranging from... to...

accumulate of population causes raises in cost of houses

the steady increase in population leads to a significant rise in the costs of housing, education and public services.
greenleaf   
Dec 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / Young adults - early independence or living with family for a long time? [4]

The behavior of young population has always been of great consequence for both the families and the society. Some children prefer to live with their families for a long time. On the other hand, there are those who choose to live independently very soon. Both of these life styles have advantages and disadvantages. As far as I am concerned, the benefits of seeking independence from the family as soon as possible outweigh those of living with family for a long time because of several reasons, among which two reasons are more important. First, children who like to live on their own are able to cope with problems in a more excellent manner. Second, there will be less conflicts between children and parents when they opt for living separately from their parents. Therefore, I subscribe to the idea that living independently is more beneficial compared to living with parents for a long time.

I think it isn't necessary to give reasons right in the Introduction. Just state your opinion in the Introduction, and then give reasons and examples in the Body to make your position clear.

To sum it upTo sum up , with all this taken into account, every individual has to choose between one of these two options: living with parents for a longer time or to live independently . Even though,(no comma) living with parents may have some privileges, living with a sense of independence as soon as possible sounds far better to me according to reasons mentioned above. Personally, this is the way of life I am currently living, and I suggest it to everyone.

Overall, I think this is well written :)
greenleaf   
Dec 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS - Task 2] Examinations can give a clear picture of students' true ability [7]

TOPIC:Only formal examinations, written or practical, can give a clear picture of students' true knowledge and ability at university level. Continuous assessment like course work and projects are poor measures of student ability. In what extent do you agree or disagree?

Formal examinations and continuous assessment like course work and projects are two methods of evaluating students' ability widely used in most educational systems. Some people are of the opinion that how well a student does in an examination is a clear reflection of his or her knowledge and ability, whereas course work and projects are not effective measures of students' capacity. Personally, I strongly agree with this point of view.

To begin with, it is undeniable that students' true ability can be accurately assessed through demanding examinations. Since students are not entitled to seek help from materials and other people when taking an examination, they must depend on their own knowledge in order to receive satisfactory marks. Hence, their true ability can be shown through their performace during examinations. Moreover, it should be noted that those who obtain excellent results in examinations are very likely to be successful in their future career. Accordingly, it is certain that examinations are truly an objective form of assessment in terms of students' wisdom and capacity.

On the other hand, I firmly believe that course work and projects cannot provide a true reflection on students' general ability, as plagiarism can spring from these methods. Unlike examinations, students are given permission to utilize textbooks and the Internet for research, which gives them opportunities to copy other people's ideas or even complete essays via easily accessible websites. Consequently, a mediocre student can achieve high scores straightforwardly, but these scores do not represent his or her true capability.

In conclusion, I want to reiterate that formal examinations are a much more effective way of evaluation than course work and projects. Thus, it is crucial that organizing examinations and improving their quality should be given more priority at colleges and universities.
greenleaf   
Dec 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / UK economic structure had experienced considerable changes over the last century - the graph [4]

Well , the structure for this task is generally;
1.Introduction
2. Overview
3. Details
as per that structure, you should have two separate lines as the first one well fits in with the definition of introduction and the second one which describes the main trends can be considered as an overview.
Good Writing!

This sentence could form an overall paragraph. Also, I don't think the conclusion paragraph is necessary as it just repeats the point you already mentioned.
Overall, you write very well :)

Many thanks for your helpful feedback :D
greenleaf   
Dec 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS / TASK 2] The government has to pay for aged care [5]

To begin with, some families can't afford to pay for elderly care. To illustrate, the demand for elderly care services has been increased with a growing number of aged people. The increase for the demand raises cost and thus some families with poverty can'tcannot pay expensive care for their old parents. Therefore, it is evident that the government should help those people to pay for the care.

However, they might have difficulty paying these as they don'tdo not have family to financially support them

In academic writing, you should not use abbreviations like "can't, don't" but write "cannot, do not" instead.

When they become too old to care for
themselves

Hope this helps :)
greenleaf   
Dec 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS - Task 2] Trees are essential for the existence of the human race [5]

TOPIC:Trees are essential for the existence of the human race as they provide the oxygen that we need to survive. Yet, daily all around the globe, large areas of woodland are being destroyed. Many people feel that they as individuals can do nothing and that only governments and large companies can halt the destruction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this?

The process of deforestation has become an alarming issue in our society. Although many people are conscious of the fact that trees play an indispensable part in the existence of human beings, more and more forests and areas of woodland are being destroyed as a consequence of exploiting natural resources indiscriminately and wood smuggling. Some people are of the opinion that it is the responsibility of governments and large companies to tackle this intricate matter. Personally, I strongly disagree with this point of view, as protecting the environment is the duty of all people living in this planet.

To begin with, it should be borne in mind that every single individual can help preserve the environment just by doing very small things. By way of illustration, they can plant some trees in their gardens, or take part in social activities aiming to raise the awareness of others about the significance of trees. In addition, boycotting products made of precious woods is also an effective way contributing to a decline in the number of trees cut down, simply because those who sell wood illegally will not be able to find sufficient demand for their supply.

On the other hand, some people are of the opinion that governments also play a certain part in ameliorating the situation. As far as they are concerned, the problem can be partly minimized by establishing policies to limit the exploitation of forests as well as implementing strict laws to punish those who deliberately destroy areas of woodland for their own ends. However, these laws and policies sometimes prove to be ineffective in reality, as deforestation and wood smuggling are still occurring in many countries. Therefore, it is crucial that both governments and citizens should join hands to resolve this ongoing issue.

In conclusion, if we don't put an end to deforestation in the future, human beings will run into an extremely serious trouble, which may destroy our lives some day. I firmly believe that every individual is responsible for the survival of the human race, not only the authorities. Therefore, all people need to take urgent action in order to save the planet.
greenleaf   
Dec 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Hiring experienced worker at higher salary or inxeperienced worker at lower salary? [6]

For example my father is going to start his own business and when he runningruns the business he wouldwill
have to build the marketing strategy to compete with the rivals and attract new clients.

In this fact, that to be successful it should be necessary to build a strong team of colleagues.

In fact, it is necessary to build a strong team of colleagues in order to be successful.

Only personthose who have a bid experiences relevant experience of working with absolutely different people can do this these tasks.

Hope this helps!
greenleaf   
Dec 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / How do movies or television influence people's behavior? it is part of our lives [5]

Some corrections for your essay:

First, TV is beneficial to us in that people can receive current news or urgent situations easily. For example, if there are some imminent natural disasters coming , such as a gigantic storm, we people will know and prepare themselves for such situation. The effect on people's lives from this damage will be less.

"imminent" made "coming" redundant.

Third, seeing movies is a kind of activities that most people prefer to do in their leisure time. It influences to people's behaviors especially children or immature adolescents. Because there are both good and bad things showingshown in the movies, children and youngsters cannot distinguish between what is right and wrong. For example, if they see their favorite actor playing as a thief, they may copy their characters unconsciously. So, parents should pay attention to their children while they are watching TV. Since this directly has influences on their children's behaviors.

influence somebody/something.
greenleaf   
Dec 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / UK economic structure had experienced considerable changes over the last century - the graph [4]

Given is the graph providing information about the contribution of three separate sectors to the economy of the United Kingdom in the twentieth century. It is evident that while the proportions of agriculture and manufacturing declined throughout the period, the percentage of business and finacial services increased steadily.

In 1900, agriculture accounted for nearly half of the UK economy. This number rose marginally to above 50% in 1950, before plummeting to almost zero by 2000. Manufacturing sector also followed a similar pattern. Constituting more than 40% of the economy in 1900, this number commenced to decrease gradually for the rest of the period, dropping to a low of only 15% in 2000.

In contrast, the rate of business and financial services saw an exponential increase. Standing at a mere 4% in 1900, the proportion of these services went up steadily, reaching a peak of more than 30% at the end of the period.

In conclusion, it is apparent from the data supplied that the UK economic structure had experienced considerable changes over the last century, with the increase in the rate of business and financial services and the decline in the proportions of agriculture and manufacturing.




greenleaf   
Dec 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS practice-Government should subsidize traditional arts? by doing what? [5]

Some corrections for your essay:

and thus many those participants have to give up and turn to other opportunities

First, government could buy typical traditional art companies which are top and have long history, reputation and fame. By doing this, those companies are saved and artists working for those companies could get riderid of commercial pressure and dedicate themselves to work. Secondly, government could also award those artists who have made remarkable contribution to traditional arts regularly and publicly on media, this allows general public to have a chance to access to and learn those traditional arts.

allow somebody to do something

To sum up, I think traditional arts not only entertained

people, but also cultivated them and eventually civilized a country.

This is a fact, so I think you should use present simple tense.
greenleaf   
Dec 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / Lots of people choose to have a pet as a companion in their lives [6]

Moreover I think our behavior reflects our character. It shows our personality. If we treat a pet like a family member we show other people in our house hold including our children how to behave properly . We need to teach this to our kids to love the animalteach our children to cherish animals , especially those who we keep in our captivity. We need to behave in a way we expect our children to do towards pets.

Some grammatical errors: teach somebody something (to do something); expect somebody to do something

I think you repeated the sentence "treat our pets as one of our family members" too many times. You should paraphrase it.
greenleaf   
Dec 5, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2; Old values have no relevance in the modern world [6]

Hello everyone! I am new to this forum :) Please give some comments on my essay so that I could know how to improve my writing skill. Any help will be highly appreciated.

Topic: Young people are said to have lost many of the traditional values of the older generation. This does not matter, because the old values have no relevance in the modern world. We need to develop a whole new set of values. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Every region in the world has its distinct custom and traditional values. However, many adolescents have failed to preserve these old values. Some people argue that this is of no importance, as the old values are no longer relevant in the modern society, and that a whole new set of values should be created instead. Personally, I strongly disagree with this point of view.

To begin with, it should be borne in mind that there are a large number of old beliefs that are still appropriate to this day. By way of illustration, students were expected to be obedient and respectful to their teachers in the past, and this value is still undoubtedly true nowadays. In fact, it is a precious moral value, as it can have a very positive influence on students' traits of character. Accordingly, I believe that such values should be preserved and fostered instead of being abolished.

However, there is no disputing the fact that some values are not relevant any longer and may inhibit the development of our society. A typical example of this is the problem of gender discrimination, which used to be very common in some Asian countries over the last centuries. At that time, woman were considered inferior to men and were treated unequally. In my opinion, this is a completely wrong belief and must be done away with. Nevertheless, such irrational beliefs are in the minority, thus we only need to abandon them rather than develop a whole new set of values.

In conclusion, although it is undeniable that some old beliefs may have an adverse effect on our society, there are many valuable ones that are still relevant in the modern world. Therefore, I firmly believe that people should not abandon all traditional values, but make an effort to save and promote precious ones.
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