Writing Feedback / motives of people applying for work / forms of transport used for journey - IELTS Task 1 [4]

This is my two writing task 1 essays. The graphs and the requirements has been given in the pictures attached

Exercise 1
The chart shows the changes in the motives of people applying for work in Panamanla over a period of 15 years.
Overall, while there was a decrease in the number of people who seek pension and security in job, the number of others sectors experienced some enormous rise, especially in people with an aim for high status.

In 1995, secure job and pension was the most common motive , with 580000 people in this section, the number of people who yearned for high standard and were unemployed elsewhere were much lower, about one tenths and a half as much as those seeking pension and job security respectively. In the next five years, the gap between the three sectors was bridged, with a decrease of 200000 in the first mentioned sector, and increases in the others.

This gap remained unchanged till 2005 with a rise of around 70000 for each. After that, however, the statistic given for people who were unemployed elsewhere rocketed to 650000, occupied the highest position. Yearning for high status also increase slightly to 300000, being about three fourths of the pension and security job.

Exercise 2
The table shows the proportion of 5 forms of transport used for yourney in the USA, UK as well as France and Netherlands. The bar chart present the reasons people travel to work by car in USA.

Overall, of the five transport forms considered, car dominates in all countries, especially in the USA, where the higest cuted reason for using car to work is no alternative. Netherlands seems to be the country with the most balanced uses of transportation for yourneys.

As can be seen in the table, the highest figure for car used is recorded in the USA, merely 90% in total. This form is also very popular compared others in UK, France and Netherlands, with 72%, 68% and 47% respectively. The gap between different forms of transport in Netherlands is smallest, with many people using environmentally friendly vehicles like bicycle and walking, about 26% and 18% severally.

In the bar chart, no alternative reason constitute 40%, 10% lower than that are those need car for work. Work night shift are least given as a ground, occupying only 10%.

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  Exercise 1
  
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  Exercise 2
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Opinions about a four-year high school education proposal [5]

I come across this topic in a national examination for gifted students paper and find it quite challenging. Please help me to correct my essay. I would be very grateful!!!

Topic: High school students are expected to participate more in extracurricular activities and community services in addition to achieving high grades. Some educators suggest extending highschool education to 4 years so that students can achieve all that is expected of them. Others are against the proposal because they think students would lose interest in school and attendance would drop in the end.

In about 350 words, write an essay that ends with the remark "High-school education should be extended to four years"
to assert your point of view on this question.Use reasons and examples to support your position

Essay:
It is a wide perception that high school students, alongside with a high bandscore, are expected to contribute themselves more to extra-curricular activities and public services. Some educators suggest that high school education should be extended to 4-years so that students can meet the expectations. While many people show disapproval of this proposal, I strongly accede to it for the following reasons.

A 4-year high school period, in some ways, provides many benefits. It is axiomatic that the more time is allowed for the same amount of knowledge, the more freetime students have to spend on other extra-curricular activities like sports and public services, which provide them with physical fitness experiences for later working life. Another advantage of this is that a longer period of study ensure students the opportunity to discovering their most suitable subjects, thus preparing themselves better for university and further education. Academic achievement can also be ameliorated as once an essential subject is defined, students will put more effort in it.

Opponents of this proposal indicate the disadvantage in term of interest and attendance drop. Students taking this education policy are predicted to get a sense of boredom in learning as a result of long time period, consequently the attendance rate will decrease and the performance will deteriorate. However, I suppose this demerit would not happen as once students have chosen their expertise, they would get involved in it with enthusiasm and competence. Furthermore, the increasing freetime for other activities also assist with the reduction of stress, which is specially common in specialized schools, in this way, promote the learning performance of students.

As analysed above, I confidently conclude that a 4-year high school education should be applied for its potential benefits of academic achievement and experiences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Public health and related measurements. [6]

Here is my essay. I would be very grateful if you could help me correct it

Topic:Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Essay:
Public health improvement is always on the list of the most important and controversial issues, especially on present days when the quality of health are experiencing both good and bad changes. However, there are many different opinions on how to enhance the community health, while some people believe that increasing sports facilities is the best measure, others show disapproval of this as it would have little effect and other ways are required. In my point of view, both these viewpoints are true to some extents

Sports facilities, in some ways, can do wonders to the health. Firstly, by playing sports, people can maintain a good health status as muscles are practiced and blood circulation is encouraged. Secondly, the sheer pleasure of playing sports helps to release the stress of life, which is a very common problem faced by people and can cause many dangerous related diseases. In a nutshell, increasing sports facilities can provide people with a sound mind in a sound body.

However, sports encouragement is not the best ways of promoting public health, as there are many other aspects related to health that sports alone can not resolve. These are safe drinking water and foods, as well as motor-vehicle safety, control of infectious and mortal diseases. WHO has studied and conducted many policies to conquer these issues, however it is still a long way to the victory of the battle for a perfect public health. In my own perspective, the most effective measures to better the quality of health is health education, development of infectious diseases vaccinations and provision of clean water and foods for everyone.

As analysed above, for a public health of best standard, the improvement of sports facilities, alongside with other aspects like foods, water as well as vaccinations and health education must be conducted altogether.

Writing Feedback / Exposure to foreign language at primary school should be encouraged as much as possible - IELTS [11]

Please help me correct and, if possible, mark my essay. I will take an exam in one's week time!!! Time is running out.

Topic: Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

My essay:
Many educationalists are in the belief that learning a foreign language at primary school do more wonders to children than at secondary school. While there are some arguments against this statement, I totally concur with the idea.

Opponents point out some disadvantages of this policy, however there are answers to them. Learning a foreign language at primary school, as opponents suppose, would interfere with the process of learning mother-tongue as it it necessary to properly master a language before jumping to another. However, there is no scientific proof that learning a foreign language and mother-tongue at the same time would do harm to each other. It is also widely argued that children at primary school should be given more freetime to play, and including a foreign language in the curriculum would tie them down, but it worths considering that learning a foreign language should be given as much importance as learning rudimentary skills like counting or spelling, which are taught at a very early age.

Moreover, early learning language presents some undeniable advantages. Scientists have proved that the most suitable ages for approaching speech is from six to nine, which are primary school years, therefore primary students would find it much easier to acquire language than secondary students. Another advantage is that young students' mind of this age is still full of enthusiasm and not inhabited by self-consciousness, thus further facilitate the process and better the result.

For the reasons mentioned above, I strongly believe that exposure to foreign language at primary school should be encouraged as much as possible.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Modern Stress - relating factors and potential measures [3]

I would be very grateful if you could help me correct my essay in terms of cohesion and coherrent, as well as vocabulary. and If possible, can you mark my essay according to Ielts Band score

Topic: Stress is now a major problem in many countries around the world.
What are some of the factors in modern society that cause this stress, and how can we reduce it?

The modern society today sees the increasing problems related to stress such as heart disease and alzheirmer, as well as obesity, depression and anxiety. While there are many factors contributing to stress, there are also many feasible ways to limit its impacts.

As the world is getting more and more modern and developed, we are encountering many unprecedented problems. The constant work intensity gives us very less opportunities to relax, our time for holiday is getting shorter and shorter while time at work is increasing. The environmental pollution has presented us with many new unresolved diseases like alzheirmer, thus worsening our health not only physically but also mentally. There are also social issues to contend with, public relationships play an crucial role in attaining success in life, but it is very fatigued to keep a wide range of relationship properly. All of these concerns can result in stress.

Stress is not easy to be tackle, but there are some practicable measures to be taken. Firstly, we must keep a healthy lifesyle by having enough sleep, keeping away from alcohol and drugs, as well as doing exercises regularly. Secondly, a good and balanced diet would do wonders for you, it not only improves your health but also result in less worries about potential diseases. These two measures will enable you with a sound mind in a sound body. Finally, you must know your own limits, many people nowadays try their best to achieve triumph as other people do, they study and work in an exhausted way, just to be successful in life. Very few outstanding ones can go beyond their boundary, so just content with your own ability, otherwise you will find your health damaged.

In a nutshell, Stress is caused by many complicated factors and still remains unsolved but, as mentioned above, I strongly believe that we can diminish this problems steps by steps, the key to conquering it is up to your own ways of life.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Modern technology has impacted the traditional cultures in both negative and positive ways. [5]

I have just finished this piece of essay. Many thanks to anyone help me correct this
Please help to make my vocabulary and grammatical range more formal and attractive

Topic:
It is inevitable that as technology advances, traditional cultures will be lost. It seems that we cannot have these two things together.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:
Nowadays, technology has been developing significantly, impacting many aspects of our life. While there is belief that technology advances means a lost in traditional cultures, I would argue that although the affect of technology on culture is undeniable, it has also contributed to the preservation of traditonal culture

Thanks to modern technology, our life has been improved with many gadgets. The invention of mobile phone and internet has changed our traditional ways of communicating as well as working, it has also been much less labourous than in the pass with the assistance of electrical machineries. However, these newfangled practices has replaced many old traditional ones. For instance, factories equipped with new and highly-productive system has replaced old handmade products, the exchange of letters among friends is so hard to be seen as we have had emails and social network instead, new video games has superseded the old-physical ones. Many old traditionally cultural things have long gone as a result of modern technology.

However, despite the drawback mentioned above, technology has also made some contributions to the maintenance and study of traditional cultures in some ways. Internet has aided to assess the young generations to the cultural identity of many nations from all around the world. With the help of advanced methods, many art masterpiece has been well restorated and well preserved. Modern devices also assist the scientists to study the ancient societies much more deeply, hence discovering more cultural traces.

To give a brief conclusion, Modern technogy has impacted the traditional cultures in both negative and positive ways.

Writing Feedback / Arts and public services are both important to the community and should be invested properly - IELTS [9]

Hello!
I am a newbie, I found this awesome sites by chance while searching for some Ielts Writing correction sites. I would be very grateful if you could help me correct my essay as I am studying Ielts myself.

Topic: Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead.

To what extent do you agree with this statement?

My Essay:

Essay:

There has been wide opinion that Government should invest more money on public services rather than arts such as music and theatre. However, in my perspective, both public services and arts worth investment.

It is obvious axiomatic that indispensable public services like hospital and school worth every penny investing. Investing in hospitals helps improve people's health, also, in schools assists with raising our children's education level. Apparently if these facilities were not spent adequately, our standard of living would deteriorate.

But our standard of living also depend on another factor - spiritual life which is related closely with arts. Arts include many forms and music as well as cinema are the most typical. These two art forms not only provide the public with entertainment but also contribute significantly to the economy. The income of film and music industries produce millions of dollars each year for the Goverment, for instance K-pop and Hollywood, and these industries can not survive without goverment's financial assistance.

The long and the short of it, both arts and public services are important to the community and should be invested properly