Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]

The author does not need to articulate why certain sections are ineffective. If the author can sense which parts are ineffective, these parts should be removed period. That is fixing it.

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]


Well thats the hard part Talia. You decided to go for a topic that if misunderstood, can be very controversial and work against your favor.


^I guess.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

lol


^UChicago does ask some of the hardest essay questions, and expect some of the best essay answers in return. Even though this is the standard 'Why us' essay prompt, UChicago will expect to read valid reasons as to why you would want to study at such an academically intensive University in a city in which the cold weather tends to restrict all outdoor activities, therefore encouraging more of it's students to just stay in their dorms and study.

UChicago is not meant for everyone to be honest. If you still are really intent on possibly studying there, well then, try and make it show in your essay. Whilst that is hard to do, just keep that in mind ;)

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]


^Ahh right, I thought that you considered Chinese black. Your means of categorizations were quite vague in the opening paragraph, so I did not know what to assume. You give off the impression that you only identified whites and blacks. I did not know how you would classify all the colors that are in between black and white, for example, Indians and Chinese. I thought since these races do not tend to be white as such, you would have thought they were black?

In regards to teaching you, it is no problem my young padawan. Thou arest learning the ways.


Ya, I probably did in your UChicago essay.

Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]


Ya I know what you mean. However, the poster already admits that this is a terrible essay. What I meant is that, more appropriate feedback can be given on a piece that the writer has made an effort to improve, rather than one which does not feature a decent amount of effort.

We may just be commenting on parts that the writer already knows is useless or ineffective, which is quite a waste of time for both the writer and us. Well, me at least.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

A born and bred New Yorker I have been exposed to great schools, people of all nationalities, and gradually safer streets. With such advantages, I thought I would not want to travel out of state for college since everything has already "came to me." My mind was changed when I discovered the University of Chicago.

^Hmmm, the born and bred New Yorker is good, but everything that follows is just so...ineffective.


^The link between great research programs and being a plastic surgeon is not quite strong to be honest.
the second sentence, remove it.
how is attending talent shows a sign of cultural diversity?
Hmm, your last line is kind of strange. Overall, this paragraph is in need of some grammar tuning and some sentences and points need to be removed.


^'like anyone else'? That needs to go. Or at least rephrased.


^UChicago is next to Hyde Park. Hyde Park has a reputation for being a hub of crime. So it does require a lot of police attention, however that does not necessarily imply it is safe.

late night escort service?? ;)
How is UChicago the total package? You have not given this impression at all throughout your essay, yet this is your concluding line?

This essay, needs revision talia. Sorry, but it really does.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


Well I was only born in 1991, so I doubt I am that old. Wiser, I may agree.


^Heres a saying for you, not word for word but at least how I remember it

'If you truly love something, set it free. If it loves you, it will return. If it does not, it never did'.

XD

Yea, I know what you mean actually. Sometimes, I am led to believe that something is just so perfect. Then, I learn that somebody else does not like it????!?!

WHAT?!?! ITS AMAZING!AHHH IM NOT REMOVING THIS! lol
But then again, what one may find appealing is based on that person's mindset. Something is truly appealing, if it appeals to more than just the creator.

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

When I was younger, about eight, I had a closed mind. I thought all lighter skinned people were white, and all darker skinned people were black.

^I guess this is a closed mind. All Asians, from Indians to Chinese, are black.

This "theory" of mine is why I thought my parents were exactly the same. I thought they were both only black (African-American); they had the same dark skin. Later however, my older sister made me see differently.

We were in a supermarket when she told me my dad was Hispanic. I told her "No he's not. He's black, he has dark skin." She laughed and told me that just because he looked a little different didn't mean she was wrong.

^But that does not mean she is right either. Rephrase it. My suggestion is
She laughed at my narrow minded view.
^That also ties in with your next sentence.

She explained to me thathis parents were Cuban immigrants and had Cuban ancestry [s my father is Cuban,which in return makes me half Cuban, half black. which therefore makes me half Cuban, half black

After my sister opened my mindhad introduced me to this idea of ethnicitiesthat ethnicity exists , I went to school and understood my friends a little bit more. I saw them differently, now knowing they came from diverse backgroundsand different countries and could not just be categorized as either black or white.

*Diverse is just such a broad word.

Now open minded, I asked questions about my friends' cultures; they were my teachers. Finally, I saw past just black and white.

I no longer have that childish view in which people can be categorized into two colors. Instead, I enjoy, and want to learn, more about my friend's cultures so that 'insert something meaninful here'

I hope you like my revisions.

Undergraduate / Paging Simone! What do addmission panels look for in essays? [7]


^Great to know that I can make you laugh Simone. People have suggested I do stand up.


^Yea, I hope I end up doing a good job on this. I really do :)

Undergraduate / Describe a setback. How you resolved it. How it effected you. [11]


^I have made it to the top of a mountain actually. Given my experience, I did not understand the echo simile.
I also do not get how hunger 'lingers'.
Why is the man's hand curved around a thin dark pen? Is he showing off how flexible his wrist is?
Your writing style is quite good actually. You have made some grammar mistakes here and there, but overall, your introduction is quite good.

Your second paragraph is also well written. This paragraph also has some grammar essays. With the ending however, I kind of understood how that one screwed up note was impactful. I did not need another two consecutive

reminders, adding to something I already understood.


^You had just mentioned nine years in your earlier paragraph. Then you suddenly say 'I sat' etc. When did this happen? When during those nine years did this moment take place?

There should be a comma after butchered.
How can you see a musical note by the way? I am sure that they are HEARD.


^Yea, this needs to be reworded. You are saying that piano was your hobby, but you never practiced playing it because you wanted to satisfy yourself. I am led to believe, that you did not play piano even though it was your hobby, because you were too busy masturbating.

*This is the second essay Ive read where a reference to masturbation can be interpreted.


^Well, if this is continuing on from the previous point, two words.
O dear.

I was prepared, for conquering this note was no longer my goal, neither was satisfying my piano instructor nor my judge. The goal was so unimaginably simplistic. I had nine years of piano experience, and now I was going to let it go to waste for one note? I eyed the man with the clipboard and pen. The frost had retreated from my fingers. They sprang into a lively movement. One of Chopin's most treasured pieces emerged from the keyboard. I became more confident with each note, right or wrong. I came to enjoy the music I had been producing for half my life. This confidence and pleasure would stay with me in my future activities as would my desire to fulfill others expectations be purged. (Reword)

^What is your goal that you ramble on about for two sentences?
Frost between your fingers? Was the air conditioning really powerful? Also, how does frost retreat, and spring into a lively movement?

Your essay is generally good but seeing as how you are a good writer, then this needs to be tweaked quite a lot. A lot.

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]


^Scott surprisingly announced that we were to make a chicken casserole, baked beans and steam broccoli.
I could not make a connection between this assortment of foods and the homeless people.

*Your third sentence is quite controversial. If you had this idea, that they are hopeless, why did you want to do volunteer work to help them in the first place?

Your planning seems a bit unclear..


^The homeless do not have money to buy. They are not customers. Also, as this is volunteer work for the homeless, the word 'customers' is wrong.


Asking for different serving sizes is ordinary I guess. But is it 'sociable'?
Also, you instantly respected the homeless, just because one man liked Star Trek just as you did? That is interesting. Because one man had a mutual interest, you decided to respect his entire socioeconomic class. That is interesting.


^Your ending is quite ineffective. What is the homeless perspective? What differences are we talking here? I am led to believe that you are, seeing as how you mentioned 'homeless', your socioeconomic class? You then go on to talk about your abilities, which is quite irrelevant to the prompt.

Undergraduate / The year 2050, movie of your life - NYU Personal Statement [7]

Well, what do autobiographical movies tend to focus on?
It could start off with the person's life during the toddler years and perhaps signs of an interest in the career that was pursued , but would focus mainly on the breakthroughs that person has faced in his/her life. Some depth may be covered on how that person got into that career and how that person came to the life defining moments that catapulted them into stardom and/or fame.

It will probably end with what that person's life is like up till the point he film is being made.

**Think of those American Idol clips when a person gets eliminated. Go along those lines.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^ One of the best posts I have ever read on this site. Definitely the best post I have read this August :)


^That is the hard part. Tightening this analogy alone will probably be a lot more work than coming up with a new one, because comparing research and punching in numbers, is pretty much incomparable to ballet. I had explained why earlier.

Also, the writer's style does not make the analogy obvious enough. In my case, as a reader, I was left confused. I thought, what is with 'punching in numbers', is Miss Judy a Math teacher or did ballet have to be mathematically precise? I had to read the essay again to make the connection.( The Admissions Committee will not have time for this.)

**Then again, whilst I made the connection, it didnt quite click. I had to ask for an explanation of the analogy, to which still no one has given a confident explanation..

I am not saying that an analogy should not be included. I do believe that an ineffective analogy, as the one that was used earlier in the essay, should be removed so as to avoid confusion.

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]

Besides the fact that your introduction has loads of obvious grammar essays, it also serves no purpose because it has absolutely no relevance to answering the prompt. Unless, you are leaving your current University, because you are so fascinated by the idea that UConn's campus has ice cream and other foods. If this is the case, make it more obvious. (If this is the case, talk about how you wish your Uni also had so much food on campus and perhaps, how you love to eat?)


^Hmm. Well, remove the first sentence for starters, because it is not necessary at all. You present yourself as a sportsman, but in your earlier paragraph, you talk about how you were fascinated by foods that are otherwise, quite dense in calories and do not necessarily have the best macronutrient ratios. This has at least led me to question, how serious of an athlete are you? If not a serious one, then why try to pretend you are. If you are, then I am sure that you are familiar with the importance of diet. Looking at this paragraph, which has potential to be quite meaningful, completely remove the first paragraph.

This second paragraph also has grammar essays. Furthermore, you should talk about how playing basketball at UConn is something you really want to do and you would like to do it more at UConn than at your current University. You should also explain the reasons in that case.


Ok, this is your strongest paragraph yet. Go into more detail on your academic goals and how your academic goals can be reached at UConn and why you want them to be reached at UConn. However, some sentences are phrased quite poorly.

Youve got an interesting conclusion there. You need to work on your essay big time if you want to strengthen your chances of admission.

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]


^Genuine UChicago applicant. You should find a sophisticated way of saying this, minus the reference to the Ivy Leagues, in your UChicago essay.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


XD
She still has not commented, but I am interested in reading what she has to say whenever she decides to post. This is the second time she has jumped ship, with the first time being when I merely said 'hmmm' (I think that little incident will bring up memories)


Tell me about it. I think they should be informed of this whenever they sign up.


Now I have added to it :)

See how I have?

Undergraduate / Paging Simone! What do addmission panels look for in essays? [7]


^That is the hardest part.


*Gasps. WEEDING?

Undergraduate / Lesson learned from my ankle injury - 'nothing was missing from my experience' [8]

Alright, there are some points here and there to be fixed, but most importantly, I need to tell you this.

The essay question is:

'A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.'

^You do not answer this question at all. I want you, to look at your essay, and tell me where, do you say that you have discussed either 'what you would bring to the diversity in a college community' or even 'an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you'

You may have a fine list of extra cirriculars. However, failing to answer the question means a lot more to the Admissions Commitee.

Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]

If you know that the level of writing is poor etc, wouldnt it have been better to have tried to improve it first, and then get feedback on a much stronger version that what you admit, is a weak version?

Taking this into mind, I skim read your essay. You seem to just go on and on.
I suggest removing parts that neither do that much good to your essay, but removing these parts will not do any bad to your essay either.

I also believe that the introductory paragraph in it's entirety can go. It is not uniquely written, cliched and quite frankly, lame. You make it sound as if it is a general and widely held belief, when it is in fact, your belief. (I am not saying your belief is wrong, but there is no point taking up so much word space and preaching about something that is neither interesting nor useful)

Revise your essay. Post a stronger version. What is the point in giving detailed feedback on an essay that you yourself feel that could be better.

Essays / common app short (activities) essay: strict word limit?? [10]

The Universities will see how you are ignoring the request at hand, and how you decided to be flexible enough with your essay and bend the rules. Universities may not look at this favorably, as you seemingly do not follow the laid out rules.

My advice: Stay within the word limit. It is the safer thing to do.

Undergraduate / An Undergraduate UF Essay (influance from my brother). Criticism and opinions. [4]

The prompt:

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

The essay:

When growing up in life, the actions of those around you can greatly influence the path you take. During my life I have had such an influence from someone close to me - my brother.

^Not needed. Admissions Commitee are fairly aware of the first sentence. If you remove the first sentence, the second sentence does not make sense. Therefore, I removed everything so that you can directly focus on addressing the issue at hand, which you do in the first sentence of your next paragraph.

Throughout my life I have witnessed my brother continuously take the wrong path down life. His life has been consumed by drugs, lying, cheating, and stealing, with.his school and academics at the very bottom of his listSchool and academics were at the very bottom of his priority list. I have personallywitnessedseen him steal from myour parents as well as take advantage of my parentsthem.and the unconditional love my mom has for him, and evenhas even seen him overdosed in the hospital. These are things you may see on television and think of it as pretty breath taking, but I have lived through it .

^Readers understand that this is a difficult situation and a reminder is not necessary.

Living with such a careless, ignorant person that
who constantly lies and steals from friends and family has made me want to never be like that.
^Overhere, you should say why you never want to be like this..

Drugs are another thing that has completely taken over his life. Cocaine, xanex, oxycotton; you name it and he has done it., all types, such as cocaine, xanex, oxycotten etc, have completely taken over his life.

Seeing him with bloodshot eyes and a tube down his throat in a hospital bed is something that oneI couldcannot fathom andnor understand the impact it has on ahad on my family without actually seeing it with their own eyes.

^Hmm I was not too sure what you meant in the last part. I am sure that the doctors could look at your brother with bloodshot eyes and a tube down his throat. So, 'one' is a bit of a general term and does not apply to everyone.

Needless to say, growing up with a person such as my brother has been a mind boggling experience. Anything that one could ever think of doing, he has done, and has kept my mind on school and academics and concentrated on my goals.

^What are you trying to say here? You talk about him, then talk about yourself. The transition is not smooth and perhaps, you should use a full stop? I do not know what you are trying to say so I can not comment.

Knowing whathow ignoring school and taking the wrong path can do has kept me extremely concentrated on my academics which can be portrayed with myis evident from my constant straight A's all through high school. I have dedicated countless hours to my school and stayed away from the drugs, stealing, and lying that has tarnished my brothers life. Living a life such as his has pushed his friends away and family away even further. He can't be trusted as far as he can be thrown and I never want that to be said of me. Trust is one aspect that once it's lost, it is not very likely to be gained again.

^In the last sentence, replace the comma with a full stop.

The experience of having someone close to me like my brother has made me realize what will happen to my life if I don't stay on the right path.

6
^Youve already said that, and pretty much go on to say it again in the next paragraph.

Having seen what not to do in life has kept my will strong and my determination even stronger. This point of view will undoubtedly carry onto college and help keep my eyes on the prize.

^What prize?

Having been through such a long experience has left a permanent mark on my lif e. My college experience will be similar to my high school experience in terms of grades and how I carry myself. College will be a chance for me to go farther than anyone in my family has and push myself farther away from going down the wrong path. I plan to keep my grades as high as possible and enjoy the better aspects of life. Having gone through such an experience will make me live my college experience to the fullest and keep my mind on my goals. I hope to let him know what kind of impact he has had on my life, regardless of how inadvertently he has done it. Maybe when he finally gets out of prison.

^Perhaps, you can remove the last two lines. They are useful ones, however I do not think they should be your closing lines.
Overall, your essay is quite powerful, personal and genuine. Your UF essay is one of the better ones I have seen on this site because you understand and discuss what you have learnt from this experience. If you could add a line on how it has influenced you, and how you plan on using this influenced personality of yours at college, your essay could come off as really strong. For now, you talk about how the experience has taught you something. However, the essay question does ask how this experience will contribute to the UF Campus. So just address that part of the question in your answer. Post a revision soon.

Graduate / Essay for a MAS in Basel, Switzerland [3]


^Take Simone's point to consideration on the first sentence. What was it in those ten modules that made you decided that this is the course for you. By discussing this, then your application essay will look stronger because it looks as if you are strongly and genuinely interested in the subject and that you want to study it.

The rest of your essay just needs some basic grammar fixing, however just revise the content for now so that your essay can come off as stronger, therefore strengthening your application.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


^I do not see why it may be hard to believe.
When you said that you saw 'everything about the essay in a negative light' after feeling 'discouraged', I was talking about how you felt discouraged and it's subsequent result on you. Yes, you came up with a new essay and absorbed all the criticism. I was just saying that if criticism here was discouraging, criticism at Columbia is more likely to be a lot more discouraging. Thought Id just tell you that. People know the academic rigor of Columbia, but I think most people underestimate it as well. However, I am not saying that you are one of these, because I am sure that you have done research on the type of life an undergraduate student lives at Columbia University.


^All criticism is just criticism. No matter what. It depends on one's emotional nature to understand the criticism as either discouraging or constructive. When you are using me as an example, you are criticizing my ability to criticize. I can either see it as constructive criticism or discouraging criticism, or even invalid criticism.


^What one regards as encouraging is all of a matter of perception. If you decided to view that as discouraging, then ok, should I apologize? It is constructive actually. Let me just quote what you said.


^It is constructive criticism, because I commented on a point which otherwise, when read, can suggest masturbation. I did not see how this was relevant to your essay. Even though it coud have been an interesting topic to the Admissions Committee, you are discussing a seperate topic in your essay and I assumed that this self-sexual reference was a mistake on your part. I thought that I should phrase my comment, subtly to hint at what the sentence implied, as well as in a joking manner to lighten the atmosphere so that when you read that point, you can go like :'Omg lol I sooooooo didnt meant that. But clearly, you didnt and I understand that humor works differently with different people.


^Well, if you do not want indepth shredding, perhaps you should be more specific in what type of feedback you would like. I think that I tackled some sentences in your essay, which otherwise could have been very misleading about you( particularly when you came off as very pretentious and ignorant in some parts). This was done through in-depth analysis. If however, you would not like this, I will respect that completely. By shredding, I was trying to help you remove all the nitty and gritty parts of the essay, but if it is too discouraging for you or whatever, then I will not.


^Id have to say that a topic rarely sucks. However, the way in which you discuss the topic is something else. If it the same old topic, with the same old message, and same old regular teenager writing style, then it sucks.

I do not know about the past, but I can see that some of the newer forum members actually enjoy the feedback that people on this site give. I doubt there is a case of any thing that 'misrepresents how helpful this place is'.

When is your next essay getting posted. Is it the first one revised?

*Edit: What a long thread.

Undergraduate / Stanford - a rich environment where ideas are cultivated. Edits for content and grammar [4]

A rich environment wherein which ideas are cultivated and a life long quest for learning takes root; the "Farm" and I are meant for each other.

^I highlighted a part of your sentence in bold. That part is grammatically unclear, and therefore, understanding what you are trying to say is an issue.

Stanford engages an ethically diverse crop of students that embraces community and global service.
^Exemplify how these diverse ethnic groups of students have participated in community and global service, so that it does not seem as if you are just making a general statement to flatter the Admissions Committee. By being more specific, it looks like as if you are interested in Stanford.

My belief in social justice, intellectual curiosity, ethical leadership, creative problem solving at a community and global level are in concert with the pillars of a Stanford education.

^The grammar fades off after ethical leadership. This, in my opinion, sounds as if you are sucking up to Stanford to be quite frank. Perhaps, you should demonstrate these qualities and prove your belief in them, rather than just stating that you do, especially as these qualities are sooo subjective to perception and understanding of what these terms mean. (Social justice and intellectual curiosity can mean different things to different people.)

I look forward to the long library nights working with study groups, and interfacing with professors and distinguished faculty members.
^Why would you look forward to this? Develop your points. You do not seem to do enough of that.

My professional aspiration is to contribute to the design of sustainable environmental strategies within developing countries, Peru specifically.
^Why Peru specifically?

The Wood's Institute for the Environment will provide me with the tools needed to put my passion into action. The interdisciplinary focus on public policy in relation to developing countries is a unique feature of the Institution that will augment my knowledge base. An extensive list of study and research abroad opportunities capped the list of characteristics I am seeking in a university experience.

^An extensive list of study?

The beauty of the palm tree laden campus and the balmy tepid weather is appealing to this web foot Pacific Northwest resident.
^This is, in my opinion, your most powerful sentence so far.

Exploring the glorious Sierra's, backpacking, a dinner of sushi in San Francisco, and finally learning to surf is the potpourri of lifestyle opportunities the surrounding community provides. I want my university experience to be academically unparalleled, filled with opportunities on a global scale, and amidst a group of diverse motivated students who are excited to learn from each other. I know I will find this and much more at the Farm.

^Opportunities on a global scale? Such as what, learning to surf and eating sushi?
What is much more?

*From what I can see, your essay tends to be very unclear as to the type of person you present yourself as. It left me asking a lot of questions about who you are, and what you want to do. This is not necessarily good. It kind of implies that you have not been able to sell yourself well.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


^That is true. Words can be powerful weapons at times. More powerful then guns at times *flexes arm (As school is over, I have not said that to anyone for quite some time, and I thought it is time that I did)


^Well that is just part of the application process. Whoever said it is an easy job lied. Creating the perfect essay is like painting the perfect picture in some ways. (This has given me scope for a lame analogy) You have to use the right strokes and a lot of thought to create the piece of art. It does not come in the first go, nor the first try. It takes time.


^Just remember at Columbia, the academic programs are quite rigorous and not for the faint hearted. Criticisms on your application essay may be harsh, but at Columbia, or any other academic University, criticisms and expectations will be much higher. So in many ways, this site also prepares, and teaches, you how to maturely deal with criticism. In my opinion, the best is to accept it rather than feel disappointed about it.


^Absolutely. Critique can be very demoralizing at times, and especially on an essay with which these applicants have spent so much time and thought on. Then again, these criticisms are supposed to fuel an energy to wanting to improve, rather than degrade the essay. Students should be accepting of criticisms on their essays, because these comments can improve a student's perception of how to write an admissions essay. All of you students are applying to Universities with strong academic programs, which are naturally suited for those willing to apply themselves on an intellectual level. Therefore, when applying to these type of Universities, it is some of a prerequisite to show a sense of intellectuality in the essay, which therefore raises the expectations of the standards of the essay. Criticisms are made so that the right courses of action can be made to meeting these standards.

Yes. I understand that students may not like criticisms because their pieces of art are not seen that favorably by others. Just as when a musical artist's album is reviewed poorly by critics. The next step, after recieving the criticism, is to find something more appealing.

Undergraduate / 'idea of learning / isles of Trinidad and Tobago' - UCF Personal Statements [12]

2. What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

I am confident that I will actively absorb all available knowledge, forge friendships and be able to contribute some of my " Caribbean Flavour " with my fellow UCF students . My cultural environment has influenced my personality and nature by providing me with a sunny outlook and curiosity for other cultures and lands.

^How has it given you a sunny outlook, as well as a supposed curiosity? I crossed out nature, because your sentence structure implies that your cultural environment has also influenced nature. I do not think that your cultural environment has affected how flowers photosynthesize, for example.

My home sweet isles of Trinidad and Tobago, has fused allmany ethnic groups and has a rich heritage of dance,music, art, cuisine and festivals. This melting pot has made me realize how important it is to be able to treat all people with the respect they deserve, without letting prejudices or stereotypes get in the way of my actions.

^Hmm, this is kind of an overplayed card. Perhaps, to make your essay more powreful, you should say how you came about to this realization. You can even expand, on the importance of this realization.

The highlight of our year is Carnival; an ultimate two day explosion of colour and drama, which showcase the rich artistic and cultural expressions of the island. Carnival attracts x million /thousand visitors each year, affording me the opportunity to make friends from all over the world and imbuing me with a desire to travel and experience other cultures. .

^Whilst most of this is fascinating, I was far from interested in reading it because it does not address the question at hand. The question is asking you about your qualities and unique characteristics that can be contributed to the UCF Campus. Readers, particularly the Admissions Committee, when reading this essay, will disapprove of having to read about the carnival and how much you enjoy the experiences that accompany it, since you have deviated from the topic at hand and you are failing to answer the question.

I have had the opportunity to learn and coexist with people from disparate backgrounds and I believe it is a person's culture that defines who they are.

I am immensely proud of being a Trinidadian and I look forward to not only sharing my qualities and ways with others, but to also learn from new diverse experiences that I will encounter in the future

^A person's moral values also defines who they are. Whilst this may be influenced by culture, it is important to realize that this is not necessarily from ethnic culture.

-It is great to see you proud of your heritage, and I see that you mention what you plan on contributing. However, what are your 'qualities'? How do you plan on sharing your 'ways'? In regards to the concluding sentence, if you really want to stick that in there, then I suggest saying how wanting to learn is a quality of yours, rather than just saying something like 'I want to learn.'

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

Lol. Johnny Hates Jazz's Shattered Dreams comes to mind for some reason :P

Undergraduate / Essay C- Personal info you want considered as a part of your admissions essay [5]

Mustafa and Simone made some legit points regarding the content of your essay.
I however, feel that what you have provided, is more of a personal statement, rather than 'personal information'. The Admissions Committee, when they read this essay, would most likely want to read personal information that helps explain something about you that they could not have learnt elsewhere from your application. Talk about yourself.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^Should be in the past tense, as your are narrating an experience that happened in the past.

*In regards to your essay, you do not quite go into any depth about what you have learnt (not from the ballet classes) from MIss Judy. You do not quite state how she has truly influenced you as a person.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

^That is quite true actually. After I read kritipg's post, I thought that perhaps I was perhaps a bit too discouraging and it made me feel like I was really tough. I thought I could mask all of this, with the 'Haha', a 'joke' and the ':P', so that it comes off as light hearted.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^Wow. I never said, or implied, that you are.

I said 'Hmmm' because you had to explain this, even though you admit that your explanation is based on an assumption, because the writer was not clear in her writing. It is because it was not clear in the first place, that I did not understand the analogy. The 'Hmmm' suggests that perhaps, your explanation has brought up an interesting point. So: 'Hmmm...perhaps now this will make sense. Interesting'.

Hmm also addresses the fact that your explanation is based on your assumption. Therefore, whilst your point may be valid and interesting, it may not have been what the writer is trying to say. So: 'Hmmmm' is this right? Or not?

*Perhaps the onomatopoeia of just 'Hmmm' was unclear when you read it.
Perhaps next time, I will say (Nods head in approval and in interest)

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^Hmmm.


^Absolutely. I am just giving MY opinion.


^Yes, I understood that it was a joke. However, I thought I should just clarify, just so that there are no doubts in the air :)

I figured you gals were girls from your earlier posts. And from your names, which is visible when I click on your username.

It is nice to know that you are glad. Most people regret 'contributing'. Anyways, I would not say that you contributed, it is large enough as it is. :)

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^I assumed it is a girl thing, because obviously the writer is a girl, and I figured that you as well as tal105 are also girls.


^Research can be fun.


^Well, research is such a broad term and that is what lead to the confusion. When I heard about punching in numbers and collecting data, I was thinking about standard deviation, actuary etc.

When I read the essay, and came to the end, I wondered if Miss Judy was also a Maths teacher at first. When I reread it, well seeing as how it is in the first paragraph, I made the connection. The fact that I did not remember the first paragraph kind of implies that it can easily be forgotten, and that is possibly due to the introduction mainly being comprised of general statements rather than anything person.

Anyways. This is what I understand. People do not like research and collecting data, but like the end product. (Well, this example in itself is wrong. Financial analysts may enjoy researching and collecting data. What they discover however, are not necessarily products, but rather trends. A trend that fluctuates and needs to be analyzed again. So really, there is no 'finished product'.)

Brendali compares ballet to this. She did not like the 'hard work' of it, but likes the end product?

**Edit


^You could have just edited your post rather than make it obvious to everyone, that I know what I am talking about LOOOL :)

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects on our environment' - Benefits and Drawbacks of Urbanisation [10]


^ :)

I am not too familiar with what the IELTS Exams require, in terms of content, depth of knowledge and evaluation. However, I can make suggestions on grammar, if that is fine.

As the industries of the world are growing fast, urbanisation is proceeding so rapidly that it is generating largely unpredicted problems one hundred years ago. Although, of course, there can be some benefits likesuch asmoreincreased employment and economic benefits,.thereHowever,there are also bad effectsurbanization also has it's consequences such aslike polluting our environmentsthe environment as lots of factories are built on the new areas following the urbanisation.

During the process of clearing out natural habitats as the first phase of the urbanisation,
The first phase of urbanization clears out natural habitats.
destroying an ecosystem existing on thoseecosystems in these areas are inevitable. Though governments are ocasionally keep them in its original condition for the image of the town when the habitats are small in size, normally, most of the living creatures in the areas are getting extincted becoming extinct.

^This sentence needs some grammar revision. I did not quite understand what you were trying to say Harry.

Nevertheless, this tragedy is happening even now for people's well-being itself.

A wide range of employment are offered in return. Many factories are built on the areas since economical benefit was the sole purpose of the urbanisation from the beginning, which will benefit tobenefits the local economy, which goes toand the wealth of government. Then the government find another place to develope.

While the country is becoming wealthy economicallyAs the country becomes increasingly wealthier , it is also becoming poor environmentlly as a result of the exploitingit's environment suffers as a result of the exploitation . Furthermore Toxic gases and severly polluted water from the factory will lead tobring air, waterair and water pollution, which will eventually lead to the low quality of life.

Even though there wascan be positive effectsresultssuch as the increase of employment, urbanisation brought serious harmful effects on our environmentseriously harms the environment . It seemed like we are improving our quality of life at the cost of destruction of ecosystem, was actually setting back in a long term.Whilst we are improving our quality of life, this is done at the cost of the environment.It is advisable for the nations to care more about the environment and to be critic on government's absurd decision.I believe that nations should be more concerned about their environment rather than their government's economic welfare.

^Well I made some grammar revisions. Commenting on IELTS would not be a strongpoint of mine since I am quite unfamiliar with what the test looks for, besides fluency in English. I am sorry if I was meant to comment on the structure and content, however I did not know if I was required to do so.

Good luck for your IELTS Harry.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


^Haha. Well, I only tore it down because your essay gave me the opportunity to :P
The central idea can be used, however certain parts of your first essay need to be changed completely.


^The fact that it comes from the heart, is probably THE most important thing.
Which essay are you going to be tackling then, the first one? How come you have school now though, I thought this is the summer holidays?

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]

I did not get the ending line, even though the two posters above me seem to like it. Is it a girl thing? I was trying to link it to the Introduction, but firstly, as Simone pointed out, that Introduction needs to be replaced. Secondly, 'punching in numbers' is completely different to ballet and I do not quite understand the analogy between the two. Can someone explain it to me?

If this is the influence essay, you do not actually quite talk about, how you have been influenced at all.


^Well, apart from the obvious grammatical errors, I as a reader, can see that how that one compliment made you like ballet. Alright, that is cool.

After that, there is nothing to suggest how Miss Judy influenced you.
If this is the significant experience essay, then...is recieving that compliment the significant experience? Perhaps, you should develop this and tell your readers why it is so meaningful to have heard that one compliment.

Alternatively, if this is a topic of your choice, I do not quite see what message you are trying to send in this essay. I understand that this is your rough draft, but providing a title would have facilitated the feedback process.

****Unless. This is the 'tell us about one of your activities' essay, which in that case, what is the requirement to go into so much depth on Miss Judy. Just focus on the ballet aspect then, and how much you enjoy it.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]


^Before I even begin to comment on your essay, I think you should re look at the Stanford supplement. All of the prompts limit the essay to a number of characters, rather than a number of words.

Are you sure that what you are doing, is even right?

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]


^Quote of the day.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]


Well, I am sure that hospitals are there to treat people who are in need of medical assistance.


^Find out how culturally diverse UChicago actually is, and perhaps what measures it takes to promote cultural diversity.
Diversity is a very broad word. You say 'people'. I presume you mean that 'people' will be diverse in interests as well then. That is why I discussed the academic part. UChicago is known to be a very academically challenging university, where it's students typically enjoy studying at this extraordinary level, or students have to sacrifice aspects of their social life and interests to keep up with the challenging curriculum. So if you still want to stick with this aspect of diversity, do some research on UChicago and discuss the extra cirriculars you think that you could take part in and link this to a diversification of interests.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]


^ :D


^Wow. You actually have, quite a strong advantage here.


^Hmm thats quite cool. I remember some time ago, I could run 0-100 sometime between 12-13. (I just measured 100 meters and ran with an electronic stop watch with my hand. It is not as if it is an official time taken by a coach on a proper track field). Anyways I thought, man, I am going to do run 0-100 in 10 seconds. I never bothered. Just never pushed myself to get faster lol, and most people dont, so its good to see that you are willing to push yourself to get to 48 or so, and this is quite a strong selling point here that you can easily play to your advantage.

(Now, as it is summer and it is the off season for me, Ive gone from the 80 kilo bracket to 107 kilos so I do not even want to know what my 0-100 is now haha.)

You can mention your interests. However, since you are applying to Stanford, and not a specific engineering department, it is likely that mentioning your interests will do no harm to your application at all. That said, saying that your academic interests are undecided also, will do no harm to your application.

I may also be applying to Stanford. However, it is just a 'may'.