Graduate / MBA demanding/challenging situation Essay [9]

SecuringHaving secured a job at company T, a leading company in the field of communication, was overwhelming especially in athe market scenario of 2002 when there was an overall slowdown in the technology sector. Although the compensation offered was not up to my expectations, company T was still the lifeline as my family's financial position at that time was not very good, and my salary was crucial to meet the household expenses. "I will prove myself very soon to deserve a promotion and a considerable hike", I heard saying myself on the first day of my professional career.

As days went by, my professional experience turned out to be completely different than what I had expected and dreamed of during my previous predictable student life.

^the bold part does not quite gel in with the sentence. Consider revising it or just omit it.

After a month of induction training I was assigned a project in 3rd generation wireless domain, a field totally alien to me. My job was very demanding and involved writing complicated codes for advanced (3G) mobile phone applications . Since everything was new to me I was finding the going a tad too difficultfound things quite difficult . It was during this time that Shankar, one of my colleagues, went out of his way to help me complete my assignments and he did this without any expectation . He helped me with my work for three consecutive months. As it happens with most things in life, Eventually , this phase of challenge passed and I came up triumphant, thanks to the help rendered by Shankar.

'phase of challenge'...not quite feeling it.
how were you 'triumphant'.

At the end of the year, my contribution to the project was recognized and I was rewarded with good grades and a salary hike. I was happy that ultimately I could achieve what I aspired for but my happiness was short lived. I discovered that my friend, who had helped me during my project, had not fared well as his official contribution to this project was very a lot less.

I was now faced with the tough question, as to whether toI should report to my manager about my friend's role in my achievements or to just ignore the incidentnot . The easy way out was to sit silently and bask in my newfound glory. On the other hand there was athe potential risk of losing my hike and my reputation. I also risked jeopardizing my future growth in company T. DiscussingI discussed ]the issue at hand this issue with my parents and after a deep subsequentsubsequent deep reflection, I finally decided to go ahead and shareinform my manager about Shankar's involvement in my success . I was very nervous about how my manager reacts would react to the news . To my great surprise, my manager appreciated my honesty and courage and took steps to salvage my friend's appraisal in the light of these new revelations. I felt a surge of relief pass through me and felt that a great weight had been removed from my conscience.

I feel that my action then was justified not only because it was the fair thing to do but also because it did a lot of good to me in the long run. Apart from gaining a trustworthy friend, it established my credentials as an honest and upright man and helped me to get many positions of responsibilities later. Apart from my personal gains, my action did a lot of good to the work environment at my office, as people realized that honesty and helpfulness were a valued attributes and that it really paid to be nice guy!!

^The double exlamation mark does show an informal approach to this essay...

This experience reinforced my conviction that an ethical behavior is always the best option, no matter how difficult it might be in the short term.

^ethical behaviour difficult in the short term?

Few mistakes here and there. By the way, what was the challenging situation? THe project. Or telling the manager about Shankar?

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

As a volunteer at SF General Hospital, I have worked closely with ER physicians and witnessed first-hand the priceless satisfactions they obtained from their clinical work.

^I would say they still do...check with other contributors and moderators.

While working and interacting with these physicians, I noticed that their sources of satisfaction come not only from saving lives, but also from daily genuine acts of kindness, such as giving a child a warm hug following a painful treatment. It must be the greatest feeling to help patients recover from life-threatening traumas or achieve complete remission from diseases like cancer.

*The 'must be' makes it seem as if you do not know for definite. This also suggests that you may not actually think so later in the future.

I am very excited for the opportunities and challenges that await me, knowing that, as a physician, I will have a more direct impact on a patient's life and wellbeing. The ability to help patients heal, both physically and psychologically, and allow them to resume their lives is most rewarding and humbling for me . In treating my patients, I look forward to learning from their myriadof medical conditions, as well as their unique life experiences, cultures and values. I hope to establish a healthy doctor-patient relationships on trust and compassion, which will help me to better treat and educate my patients.

^How will you educate your patients, if you are learning about them?

Growing up with severe asthma and limited health care, I had aspired to become a compassionate physician who can provide patient care patiently to the poor and underservedndersevered , both locally and internationally.

^
Didnt you mention in your previous essay that it is rural America you want to help?

My family and I have been very grateful to receive adequate health care through the Medi-Cal program. As an aspiring physician, I long for the opportunity to give back to the community by offering clinical care to those less fortunate. My multicultural upbringing and empathy for the sick and poor will help me to better understand and connect with people from different walks of life, thus facilitating the delivery of health care to them.

Finally, I look forward to working in a scholarly community composed of individuals from diverse health disciplines who share a common passion: to touch the lives of others through medicine. Here, I can learn from my mentors and collaborate with my colleagues to properly diagnose and manage the care of my patients. I wish to join hands with them in clinical research, where I can integrate science and medicine to find solutions to the health challenges afflicting today's society. As a physician, I will receive true satisfaction from caring for patients, offering health care to underserved communities, and resolving current health problems through research.

^The last paragraph I do not think is necessary, so it does not really address the question. It is more of a 'why Columbia essay'.

I still think some of your points have a fair amount of controversy, but that is just my opinion lol.
Good luck with Columbia. If you do not mind me asking, what are your SAT Scores like?

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

Notoman: 'You do not want the word of here. When you use myriad as a noun, you need the word of. When you use it as an adjective (like you have done here), you omit the word of.'

Right vietfun2k, I mistook 'myriad' as a noun. It was me who suggested the 'of'.

*I do not know how to quote with the boxes and stuff.

Graduate / Specific short-term career goals - MBA Admission Essay [4]

It's 6:00 a.m. as I sit down at my desk. Behind me, the morning sun begins to rise as I am alone in the office, preparing for another day of tactical thinking and execution. As the manager of Fraud Strategy for U.S. Bank, each day brings forth uncertainty, SOMEWORD, and most importantly, the opportunity to be proactive in a reactive industry.

^
I would love to suggest 'someword', however I really do not know what you feel the job brings you??

This is the next step in my career at U.S. Bank, a step that will lead me to senior management and beyond.
^Is the MBA the step?

Before I am able to move into a management role within U.S. Bank, I will need to hone my leadership skills and become the leader I know I am capable of being .

--Perhaps in between this sentence and the next one, you can define what a leader is, so that readers know what you mean by 'best leader'.

To become the best leader I can be I will need the best resources and training available. This is where the Katz MBA comes into play.

^Hmmm if you want to stick to this idea, then my question is, how does the Katz MBA offer the "best resources"? Like, what are 'best resources'?

Also, does an academic program offer 'training'?

Currently in the roleasof Project Manager for the Fraud Implementation and Support team at U.S. Bank, becoming a manager in fraud strategy would enable me to make the transition from managing intangible software implementation projects, to the tangible aspects of managing people and the decisions they make each day.

^I like this sentence to be honest. I thought it shows clear focus and knowledge of the field and the position.

The manager of Fraud Strategy at U.S. Bank over see's all aspects of transaction related fraud within U.S. Bank. From the implementation of our fraud detection software package, Fraud Watch Plus, to managing Fraud Specialists, Project Manager's, and call center representatives, the manager of Fraud Strategy administers a very dynamic employee base while at the same timewhilst also attempting to keep up with some of the most intelligent and intricate criminals in the world.

-Perhaps, you can omit the name of the software package?
-Also, I doubt you can describe 'criminals' as 'intricate'.

Having extensive knowledge in the transaction services industry, it' s practices and regulations, has given me the tools needed to have a sound foundation for my first management position.

Throughout my life I have always know that I was a leader. Taking extra time to refine my baseball skills, staying after school to coordinate review sessions for an upcoming exam, and volunteering at local non-profit organizations are just a few of the leadership traits that I have shown at a young age.

^Alright. Here you talk about leadership. Perhaps you can place this earlier, where you first mention leadership and tie it in with a definition as well?

Also, by just stating activities, does not prove you have leadership traits. What was it in these activities that made you feel that you are a leader.

*Ok I went through the rest of your essay and I personally felt that it is mismatched from here onwards. I skim read the rest. I personally feel that after you implement some revision, and fix the chronology of your essay, it will be a lot more effective and can gather a lot more useful input from people on this site.

Undergraduate / "Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay [17]

Even myself- at first glance I may seem like the least likely candidate to be applying to a school such as Stanford; however, I pride myself on that fact. I believe that life is short, life is sweet, and life isn't all about studying.

^I got quite thrown off by those lines actually.
-You admit that you seem like an unlikely Stanford candidate.:

-You could have said that because you have a stereotyped image on the Stanford student. It is understood that Stanford admits students who are very academic, therefore the stereotyped image would be a nerd right? Are you trying to pride yourself that you do not look like some nerd?

Fine, Stanford also admits people who have strong talents. Are you implying that you are not talented then?
If you were on the track of the former suggestion, it shows some ignorance on your part on the type of community and people that Stanford look for.

-Also, whilst life is not all about studying, it is bad enough that you decided to structure your sentence in an informal manner, but it is worse when you try to give off the impression that studies are not important to a University such as Stanford, where a lot of independant study is actually required.

'If I am your roommate, you will sure be soon to discover that while studying is a priority- it is far from being my top priority'

^O dear God. I already thought the previous line was bad, and now you say this? I will look at the rest of your essay now..lol

After years of house arrest, I have come to realize that while academics play an important role in one's life, it isn't everything.

^Is the 'house arrest' a literal term, or were you actually placed under probation. Only include 'house arrest' if the latter is true, otherwise it can be quite misleading.

I've discovered that, miraculously, it is possible to have a life outside of studying. While my academic performance may not be at the level of a super genius- I have had the pleasure of enjoying every minute of my schooling careerand exploring different paths be it educational or not.

^Learning at school is not a career. Quite frankly, you can omit the whole sentence about the 'super genius'.

As my roommate, you will quickly realize that I love having a good time and be warned- I'll force you to have more fun than you can possibly endure.

^
Perhaps you can talk about what fun is. Dorks may think that going to a comic book convention is fun, however I would much rather prefer a rave party.

Also, some people may think that books are their best friends and that studying them is their definition of a good time. Other people like to sit home and play World of Warcraft. If these are people's definition of 'fun', then will you actually encourage them to do these activities 'more than' they 'can possibly endure'?

Ultimately, I believe that you will recognize that I am not just another stereotypical Asian and I sincerely hope that by becoming my roommate, you will realize that appearances can, in fact, be deceiving.

^You are not only addressing the room mate in this question. You are also writing to the Admissions Council.

Good luck man...

Undergraduate / Stanford Experience Essay [7]


^You do not really need to begin with that line.

I was introduced to thisthe concept of evolution when I was in middle school and I took a class trip to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena. This trip proved to be not only one of the most intellectually engaging experiences of my life, but also one of the experiences that has driven me to work harder in academics in order to achieve my aspirations.What I have highlighted in bold, is what I think is just a giant cliche.

At the time, it blew my mind to think of an airplane travelling from one side of the nation to the other,
^Even when you were well into high school, the thought of an airplane travelling from one end of the Earth to the other was 'mind blowing' to you at the time? Ok, well I guess that is you then.

and here was a craft travelling billions of miles to the end of the galaxy.
^It was a project under development. How was it 'travelling'.

While this event triggered a short-lived obsession with engineering, it sparked an even greater interest within me.
^Perhaps you can specify the branch of engineering; aeronautical engineering.

I became spellbound with the idea of indefinite human growth, and even to this day, I hold this memory close to me.
^I think readers would understand that it is a close memory if you decided to talk about it in your application essay.
By the way, human growth does not seem to be the right word. It is as if you are implying that we can physically continue to grow. Whilst this may be true, I do not think that this is the track you want to be on...

As an aspiring physician, I can only hope for greater development in the field of medicine, and to me, this ongoing journey to Pluto is a sure sign of advances in all fields of studies.

^
I think mankind in general relies on greater development for medicine. Your sentence structure implies that because you are an aspiring physician, that is why you hope for greater development in medicine..is this the case? If you were not an aspiring physician, then would you not want greater development in medicine?

The ongoing journey to Pluto is not an advancement in the field of English Literature. So I would not say all 'fields of studies'.


To what extent can you consider it slow?

Look, you were meant to discuss an idea or event that you found intellectually engaging. Alright, you decided to go for the Jet Propulsion event. You do not develop how you found that event intellectually engaging.

You just say, literally, 'I went to this event. There was a mission to go to Pluto. It is amazing. Mankind is taking a giant step forward.'

I also do not see what is the point of mentioning being an 'aspiring physician' because neither is it relevant to your essay, nor the essay question. You also talk about your brief interest in engineering. What made it brief? Your whole essay focuses on an 'intellectually engaging event' that centers around engineering...what just made that interest fade away. It kind of implies that perhaps, you did not really find this event that intellectually engaging to begin with.

Essays / Similarities between myself and any vegetable [17]

This reminds me of UChicago lol...

Anyways.

Shrek voice: Onions have layers

If you are lazy, then perhaps you can even draw upon the topic of being a 'couch potato'.

If you are cool, then you can compare yourself to a cucumber. (Yes, from the god awful simile, 'cool like a cucumber'.)

Best idea, as Simone suggested, come up with similarities between yourself and the vegetable. I guess the easiest similarities to spot would be physical ones, such as small and round, or long etc..

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]

Some parts of the essay were good, however I felt that other parts of the essay need some grammar revision. The verb tenses and/or punctuation brought down the quality, and thus the effectiveness, of some sentences.

Also, if there is an opportunity to reduce sentence length, go for it ;)

If I may, I think you should elaborate on the 'influence' part of the essay. You can perhaps develop on the lesson you have learnt from all of this, and perhaps how this lesson has shaped your views on change...

I tried UChicago last year lol. Did not get in.
I suggest you have a strong academic record as well!

Graduate / Personal statement for Masters degree in Chemical Engineering help [5]

I wish to pursue my graduate studies at your esteemed institution, as I believe that a Masters degree will help me to realize my ultimate goal, which is to develop myself as a well trained chemical engineer and establish a career in the chemical industry.

Undergraduate / Stanford Experience Essay [7]

I did these Stanford questions last year, and am debating as to whether I should do them again. Trust me, they are hard and they do require a lot of thought.

I do suggest starting from scratch and give some time and put some effort into it.
Right now, all you are doing is thinking of something, writing it, and then dumping it here on this site.
What is the point in submitting lame rough drafts if even you know it needs some work on it.
Work on it, and when you think that 'man, this finally looks good', then post it here and then our feedback will be more meaningful and useful.

Undergraduate / "Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay [17]

I think you should make it clear that it is only your peers that stereotype you.
You do not want to make it sound as if you think that even the Admissions Council stereotypes a person by his/her nationality. That is rude. They will not like it.

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay (Warning: slightly depressing)! [11]

You know, they say that hospitals have an unbearable smell to them, but the truth is, on the last day of June of June 30th 2009, the only thing I could smell as I was sitting in room 208 of the ICU department was nothing.

I smelled absolutely nothing.

What was masking the apparent hospital smell will never be known. Possibly, it could have been that all my other senses and feelings were prevailing at the time. Maybe it was the stinging of my eyes which released the salty warm tears to fall gently to the bottom of my cheeks, or the ache in my heart which seemed to antagonistically develop with each breath as I was weepingwept next to his bed.

^In reference to the bold part, are you suggesting that the salty warm tears dulled your sense of smell? For you to know it was even salty, you would have smelt it right??

Or it could have been the pit that inhabited my stomach and made me feel empty, or possibly it was because my mind was busy at work, sorting out and making sure it has each memory withof him on file. I stood next to his bed, allowingand allowed my mind to imbibe every detail inof his face.

*Imbibe is to drink...

Lying there, he appeared so incapable with an incalculable number of tubes, yet ever so peaceful, as if he knew God was coming to liberate him. I began to think back.

It was a Friday afternoon, and I had just finished my last class of the day with nothing planned but aa plan to visit to Ottsville. ****I walked in the beautifully restored farmhouse which he was so very proud of, goingand went straight into the living room to find him disgusted after watching a special on Michael Jackson's drug habits, and. he greeted me saying, "It's amazing that people will abuse their only life here on Earth. I don't know why anyone would want to take some of the tick out of their clock, and here I've been fighting for more time, for ten years."

**As I was reading this, I was unclear as to whether this was in Ottsville or still wherever you live..

Snapping me out of my thought, the neurologist walked in the room wearing her plastic apron, mask, and gloves as her shield against the bacteria . I did not wear this ensemble. Developing an intestinal infection was the least of my worries . The neurologist's words made my knees weak and my heart heavy, and I began to drown her out with the slowing beep of his heart monitor andas I was drawn in by the dropping heart rate. His heart stopped in the middle of the night and stopped delivering oxygen to the brain.

He was brain dead.

I went outside to the hospital's garden and seated myself on the most secluded bench. For the first time in my life, I noticed that everything seemed so fake; from the two women gossiping in the garden's distant corner, to the whitened smile that the outside café waitress gave to each of his new customers. I began to remember.

One day I was babysitting and my phone rang. I rushed to answer it in fear that it might wake up the kids, and I recalled having the most meaningful phone conversation that I could remember.

^Wouldn't this conversation also seem fake, seeing as how you previously mentioned the word 'everything'.

He said, "You know life is so short, and we don't get to do this again. People seem to be so indulged with things like money and status while their time on the clock is passing. If only everyone knew how to appreciate the smaller things in life maybe..."

My thoughts came to a halt as I noticed the prettiest little bird fly down within two feet of me. It looked me straight in the eye as it twirked its head from side to side, and then took off into the clear blue sky. At thisat moment I experienced the strangest feeling, and . I rushed back inside to room 208 of ICU to find that my 52-year old father's heart stopped beating due to its strain from an infection, but he appeared to be saved and more peaceful than ever. His ten years of fighting renal cell cancer demonstrated a courageous act of strength, and he had been preparing me with some of the most important lessons of my life, as he knew he wouldn't be able to later.

Maybe that unbearable hospital smell originates from the soiled linens or the sweat from the feverish patients or the vomit from the chemo patients' basins. Maybe the masking of the smell came from the pain I experienced while watching my father pass away. It would be logical to conclude that these people claiming towho have experienced this hospital smell must not have been leaving the hospital and stepping into the outside world without their father. But I was stepping out from the hospital and into the outside world with the beautiful memories of my father and a set of lessons he gave me to live by, including how to live without dwelling on the little things in life; such as a hospital smell.

*What is the essay title? And by the way, some people in the hospital actually smell 'death' so to speak. These people could also have 'smelt the death' of their fathers. Therefore, this would make your conclusion wrong.

If you want to cut down, look back at the part when you try to talk about why you could not smell anything. I think you go into way too much detail on that part.

Undergraduate / My Heritage - in my own country I feel the most foreign. Common App. Essay [10]

It is a paradox that in my own country, I feel the most foreign.

After the first stretch of eight or so years in the United States, my family began visiting India every couple of summers. The country had becomewas a stranger to me, and. each time we visited something deep inside of me would be exposed again.

^What gets exposed? You do not talk about it in the next sentence. If you attempt to do so, then 'expose' should be replaced with a more suitable word.

I was uncomfortable in India, unused to the heat, the filth, the traffic, the poor children tapping on car windows, the stares etc . I was reluctant to accept this place as an intrisic part of me and as a part of my identity because I had seen so much else of the world-developed countries, with more obvious beauty and prosper to offer. I could only see what India lacked. The people's stares bothered me the most, because their worlds were so much smaller than mine, and their ideas so much simpler, yet they could see right through me and knew who I was better than I did.

^I do not like the bold part AT ALL. What gives you the right to think that their ideas are simpler than yours? You are applying to Columbia, and you already have revealed a pretentious attitude. These people can probably deal with situations that you can not. Does that not make them smarter in some cases then? The part in bold shows off that you are ignorant and unappreciative of your own people. Whilst you may refute these ideas later on in the essay, (I do not know, I have not reached there as yet), I am left with this impression and quite frankly, I am unimpressed. You come off as the term American-Born Confused Desi so far...

India soon became a measure of my growth because each summer that I returned, I saw the country through wiser eyes. Being on the move so much had made me more open,and more accepting. Then I learned that I would be spending my final year of high school t here. I grappled with this idea, because as excited as I was for new adventures, I was not sure I was ready for this one. It was like returning home to a family whom you had left years ago.

^I would not use this simile. You have already painted this image that you have disassociated yourself from India. How can you compare it to a family, which by nature, is caring and understanding...Perhaps, you can use an adjective to describe the family, or say something along the lines that 'a family I had purposefully disabandoned'

You wondered whether they would accept you back with open arms, but more than that, you wondered if you would accept them. Would things be as you remembered them; would it feel like home? Regardless, I returned home to the 'family' I had left.

^I do not think the readers wondered this. Replace 'you' with 'I' and 'me'.

At its core, this country is made up of millions of youth, struggling to make their mark on the world. I see them on the streets everyday on my way to school. It is not they who are any different from me, but their circumstances. Their delicate sugar-spun dreams, cradled and protected during ignorant childhood, have been slowly crushed by the calloused, sun-browned hand of a parent as they grow and learn about life and its infinite and unequal rules.

^That is a nice sentence. However, are you implying that the parents hit their children and smack them to reality, literally? I think these kids also realise it on their own, not necessarily under their parent's influence.

I am luckier because I can afford to protect and nurture my dreams, build a cage around them, until they are strong enough to be set free.

^You make it sound as if these kids only dream to be something that they can not be or can not have...These kids perhaps, particularly in India, could just hope for a peaceful life and not want material comforts...they do not need a 'cage' around these dreams.

The only thing which I have that these children do not is money, yet it is powerful enough to guarantee a future.
^Not really. These kids could have other things that you may not have. You can not say this with such certainty.

Again, I am not any different from these youth, because growth has been pushed on both of us. In their case it is through their poverty and their need to scrape by a living in any way possible. The impoverished are forced into jobs the minute they can walk, the minimum working age completely forgotten.

^Not necessarily. Definitely not throughtout the whole of India. Governmental reforms have made this difficult in some parts.
I recently visited Delhi. I did not see child labor. I saw children selling flowers and toys, but this is not child labor. This is just business is it not? Most of the time, they find these flowers and then sell them for their own profit....

It is as though there is no word in the Hindi language for 'child labor.'
^Again..

From looking into their eyes you can see that these children have become adults at far too early an age.

In my case, bumping back and forth from different continents and countries, assimilating and then leaving societies, has caused me to learn the lessons of life much faster than most.

^What lessons are we on about here?

The only thing I could count on to remain constant was me, and so I harbored an intimate relationship with myself.
^LOOOOOOOOL. Alright, hand to yourself :P
Why would you want to be constant? Dont you want to evolve with the world around you?

I soaked in endless culture and knowledge, and qualities materialized in me so that I could keep going.
^Endless? please.

Optimism, confidence, acceptance of self and others, respect of self and others, empathy, self-sufficiency-I am thankful for what these countries have taught me.
^You do not realy say how any of these countries have instilled values such as optimism and confidence. Or self sufficiency. In fact, none of these values.

And although I see myself as a worldly person, I cannot deny my heritage.

It looks at me in the mirror each morning; it is the color of my skin, the shape of my eyes, the blood that runs in my veins. I used to look at Indians and judge them as parochial, and it is because of this ignorant, single-faceted judgement that I sometimes wished I looked different.

^O man. This is the ABCD card (American Born Confused Desi)

I did not want to be judged by others in the same way I myself judged. The evil I tried to protect myself from was in me, too. It was an ugly irony

^Evil. Where did that come from?

I cannot change the world, but I can change myself. This is what slowly happened as I grew-I learned that the best things in life are not always the most obvious, which was the case for my home country. My final move back to India was the most difficult; it was personal and I had to reveal the vulnerability in me that I had hidden for so long to be able to survive elsewhere in the world, a vulnerability that sprang from the uncertainty of my identity.

I have a clear memory of a trip to an Indian restaurant in the first month of our move here. It was a difficult time for me, but my spirits lifted instantly upon walking through the door. Brightly clothed families bustled around, their faces full of life, and children of all ages chattered animatedly with each other while pointing at sweets behind the sparkling glass displays. I felt the smile growing slowly on my face, because I was proud. This was a rising country that did not need to climb onto the back of other, more developed countries to become something it was not. It used its own unique strengths to progress.

^What strengths?

I felt at home, and I started accepting the part of me that had always been there and was fighting to come out. Its persistence won. This is my country.

^Ok. This concept, of trying to find the cultural identity, has been used before. I have heard success stories of people who have used this topic and got into Columbia...2 years ago. It makes you wonder if other people have tried this and whether the concept in it's entirety has just become banal to say the least.

Some of your points reflect a sense of ignorance of your country and it's people, even though you are trying to pride yourself that you love your country. Some parts are well written, some other parts, not so much.

I also did not quite get the part in the conclusion as to why you were proud...if people wear bright coloured clothes, and tap on glasses etc, does that instill a sense of pride in you? What do these things represent to you, and why do they make you feel proud?

If you are applying to the big Unis, even if you were applying to other Unis in fact, some work should be done so that you come off as the individual you want to portray ..

Undergraduate / My Heritage - in my own country I feel the most foreign. Common App. Essay [10]

Lol I never said you are an ABCD. I just thought that this essay had very strong ABCD elements. Perhaps I was not clear on that.

I do not know what Simone is going to say, but I think when you are applying to highly selective universities, you want your essay to stand out, and my opinion is that a hackneyed topic will not help accomplish that, unless your expressions and writing style is articulate enough to impress..Whilst your writing is good, it is not breath taking.

Anyways, I am glad that you understood the other points I made. Implement them and make your character shine through this essay.
By the way, would you say that this is a significant experience, or an achievement? You should go on in more detail on the impact that this has had on you.

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay (Warning: slightly depressing)! [11]

Did you implement some of the suggestions I had made in my earlier post?

Anyways, I will look at your final paragraph. It would have been helpful if you told us what the essay title is...because perhaps then we can help you find a suitable ending??

Maybe that unbearable hospital smell originates from the soiled linens or the sweat from the feverish patients or the vomit from the chemo patients' basins.

*Later on, you talk about the smell of death abruptly. In that case, perhaps this part of your final paragraph is not needed so that the smell of death is made more significant.

Maybe the masking of the smell came from the pain I experienced while watching my father pass away.
Perhaps the pain I experienced whilst watching my father leave this world/pass away masked the infamous smell of death.

These people who have experienced this hospital smell may have been leaving the hospital, smelling deathPeople have experienced the smell of death in hospitals, but I stepped out of the hospital and, into the outside world, without smelling anything. I left with the beautiful memories of my father and a set of lessons he gave me to live by, including how to live without dwelling on the little things in life, such as a hospital smell.

^I do not get the last line. How is this smell of death a little thing?

Although this is not the track you seem to be on, this is a final sentence I could think of:

I left with the beautiful memories of my father and all the lessons he taught me. I did not smell death because his spirit is never dead. His spirit lives on with me.

^You do not have to use it. I however thought that it leaves a more powerful message about your father, rather than end the story, talking about your father, and ending the entire essay with 'a hospital smell'. You are talking about how much you cherished your father, and then ending the essay with 'a hospital smell', in my opinion, does not do justice to the honor of your father..

Let me know whadya think and sorry for your loss.
x

Undergraduate / "Combining sports and grades" - UT important issue essay [11]

One of the many issues I believe is facing a majority of youth today is the issue of not being able to focus on both their sports and grades.

^The issue is already about an important issue. So starting off with 'one of the many issues' is quite lame.
'A majority of the youthful today do not focus on both sports and academia'

This issue is not just of concern to the students themselves, but the coaches that are responsible for keeping them in line. I really became aware of this issue in my junior year in high school , when we had twenty upcoming freshman fail, and theythus were unable to play football. I found this extremely unsettling , just for the factas I play football and can manage a 3.7 GPA. I managed that GPA through studying and knowing that the sports world was is fun, but the more importantly my education would get me farther .

^How can education get you further than sports? Perhaps you should develop on that, because for some people, sports is everything and more of a priority than their academics...especially if they plan and base a career around sports.

Really looking at this issue led me to think why are there not any mandatory study groups for the "student - athlete". I say student athlete like this because I feelbelieve that school sports teams have forgotten about the student part, and only have the one goal of the athlete.concentrate on their athlete's goals.

The coaches at these schools are teachers themselves and should be worried about how these kids are doing academically .
^I did not know that all coaches are teachers. Yes, teachers in sports, but I did not know that all coaches specialised in another topic of study.

These twenty freshman that failed had a responsibility to grades themselves, and yes it is there fault they failed, but with a little more guidance I think they could of excelled a little more.

I think that to resolve issues like this schools should implement mandatory study groups for all students involved in extracurricular activities. This would probably not just not help the kids in the classroom, but in their sport as well.

^Really? How?

I believe that if schools looked at this issue a little more seriously, there would be a lot more successful scholar-athletes.
^Maybe. But, supposing the athlete was 90 percent committed to sports, and 10 percent committed to studying, if these schools intervened, and made the ratios from 9:1 to perhaps a, 7:3, then these athletes are losing their athletic competitive advantage. What if these kids were not good in studies to begin with, and now still have relatively poor grades, even though these grades have improved but are not the athletes they were...oopsie..

*Should schools really be interfering with how students manage their independent study? Or should students know how much to study independently?
I am just offering my views, however, you can say whatever you want. It is your essay afterall

Undergraduate / "Want to be a doctor" - Penn State, personal statement [26]

^Is that an essay question, or a personal statement.
If you are writing for the latter, then I suggest you focus more on why you want to study medicine and talk about yourself and your interest in the subject. You can also discuss your extra cirriculars and how these have developed a set of skills that can help you focus on medicine. You can perhaps even prove your interest in medicine, and how you feel the need to develop your interest through studies...

In regards to your grammar, most of the time, the commas can be replaced with a full stop.

Undergraduate / "Combining sports and grades" - UT important issue essay [11]

Hmm I made some mistakes earlier.

This issue is not just of concern to the students themselves, but the coaches that are responsible for keeping them in line.
^By the way, I do not really get this sentence. What do coaches have to do with this exactly?

I really became aware of this issue in my junior year in high school , when we had twenty upcoming freshman fail, and thus were unable to play football. I found this extremely unsettling ,as; I play football and can managehave managed a 3.7 GPA. I managed that GPA through studying and knowing that whilstthe sports world isare fun, but my education wouldcan get me further .

^Further where? What finish line are we talking about here? I asked you about this before...

Really looking at this issue led me to thinkask why are there not any mandatory study groups for the "student - athlete". I believe that school sports teams have forgotten about the student aspectthe academic aspect , and only concentrate on the athlete's goals. The coaches at these schools are teachers themselves and should be worried about how these kids are doing academically. These twenty freshman that failed had a responsibility to grades themselves, and yes it is there fault they failed, but. with a little more guidance I think they could have excelled a little more. Schools have to at least offer some programs for athletes who are struggling with their grades so that theythese students can choose to get the help if they want it. Just by offering a study program for athletes,they can wean out the athletes that don't care about there academics and the ones that are actually struggling. I believe that if schools offered programs to study to their athletes there would be a lot less failing and a lot more success.

I highlighted parts that have mistakes or parts that I am unclear as to what you were trying to say. I highlighted the last line, because I think it needs revision on your part. I do not know what exactly you are trying to say here, because you are not clear in terms of what failing and success is. I presume you mean academically, but it could also be at life. Yes. People can fail life lol.

You also need to realise that studies are not everything. For some people, sports actually are their life, and they excel at sports rather than studies because they want to base their career around sports. I am sure that Christiano Ronaldo would not be getting his monster salary at Real Madrid if he was not a football player, and opted to study instead and get a career.

*Football/soccer. I call it football :)

Undergraduate / "Want to be a doctor" - Penn State, personal statement [26]

K, I will try and cut it down. I personally think that as, a personal statement, it needs something a bit more. That is my opinion, see what Sean or Simone have to say as they are more knowledgeable when it comes to this stuff.

anyways, here goes:

Growing up I always had a close bond with my grandmother, in a immature way I looked at life with her always being there. If she was sick, I was the one that helped her get better. From childhood I knew what I was to become; You guessed it,, a Doctor. I did volunteer work at local hospitals helping patents and getting hands on experience

I did volunteer work at local hospitals and helped patients.
**I presume you helped patients, rather than patents :P
Anyways, it is kind of implied that you got hand on experience through your work experience. You do not need to state the obvious, that is why I removed that fraction of the sentence.

Being a volunteer, you are only allowed to do so much but I wanted to do more.I don't know what kind of doctor I want to be, but

*Here, include a short sentence about how you become interested in medicine.

I want to be able to have the knowledge to cure the sick, To make people as comfortable as possible during there time here on earth .

^Doctors do not make people comfortable. They may, but their job is to save lives. Not make people comfortable.

I envision myself running in and out of the er and making compliance about my long shifts, scrubbing my hands and using medical terms that I learned from watching reruns of House, a television show about doctors. It's a dream that I had for a long time.

^You dreamt..about a teleivision show about doctors. Probs not, but that is what it gramatically sounds like. You do not really need either of these sentenes to be honest.

The day my grandmother died, I was lost and it felt like everything I had, was gone. I let her and myself down. I wanted to give up but I just could not, I knew how much she wanted me to purse my dreams and. if I gave up I would be disappointing her and myself. I value my education and make getting a degree my number one priority . Becoming a doctor, is a way for me to help people like my grandmother, people that can't help theirm selves. It is a way for me to become a inspiration toI can inspire others who found there selves in situations like myselfthemselves in situations similar to mine . I feel at Penn State , I can work myself to be at the top. I feel there, I can pursue to be the best that I can be and help as many people as I can.

^Help people at Penn State, or people who need medical assistance?
I personally think that as a personal statement, this does not come off as too strong. I mentioned earlier, that you should focus about what is so interesting about medicine, and why you want to reallly study it. That is my opinion. Pay attention to what the Moderators, such as Simone and Sean, will say. Good luck anyways x

Undergraduate / "Combining sports and grades" - UT important issue essay [11]


^I did suggest 'not' in my revision. I guess Brandon did not want to use my suggestion.


^That is what even I thought. However, Brandon seems to be really focused talking about how this may be the case and uses rather subjective language to try and convince his readers. I made points about this, however he has not made any change content wise. I presume it is because, he firmly believes this. He is entitled to as well, however, it is also up to him to decide how accurate he wants his statements to be.

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay (Warning: slightly depressing)! [11]


^Hmm I did not spot that. Well spotted Sean!

Undergraduate / "My Name" - Common Application short answer essay [8]

So, the activity that you decided to expand on, is just saying seven words?? Just saying these seven words, have made you a better public speaker? Just these seven words alone, taught you the power of words?

You are only saying seven words, yet you are giving powerful and persuasive speeches?
Man. Consider writing about something else. If this is the activity you have decided to talk about, presumably because it is important, it kind of shows that you do not do much anyways, and if saying seven words is what you decide to talk about, well then, at least make the essay more powerful and real at least...

Undergraduate / "Significant Experience" essay - need advice on the content of this essay [22]

No. Like I said earlier, I thought you were going to say how your friend is a hermaphrodite.
It set me up for the wrong thing, and it is not even related. It is just a superfluous paragraph. I thought it was quite pointless, and quite frustrating, that I had read all of that only to realise that it has no pertinence to the essence of your essay's theme.

Revise and repost your essay. Lets take another look.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]

Well, Christopher does learn about his parent's marital problems and that his mother was cheating on the father, and then the father began an affair with his neigbour. He learnt that his father hid the letters his mom sent him, and learns that his mother is not dead, but in fact alive. What he does not process however, is the reasons as to why the father did this, because Chris is emotionally stunted.

I am not sure if Chris changes that much. He still continues to digress off topic from chapter to chapter.
See what other people think in regards to the change part, it will be interesting actually...

Undergraduate / "my inner characteristics to shine" - UCF prompt Contribute to UCF community [7]

I'veI have begu n to notice a dramatic difference between the way I live my lifein my life and that of my friend' s.

I have come to the realization of the immeasurable importance of the decisions we make now in life, that we are forging the path our lives will take. Others still appear to have a lackadaisical lifestyle, simply watching as the world spins around them.

^Hmmm..You say 'we', and then in the next sentence 'others'. Who, or what groups of people, are you specifically referring to? Also, how did you just come to this realization?

I have grasped the concept that I must take the initiative and take action in order for my goals to come to fruition,from the most simple to the complex.

^Most simple to complex actions or goals?

Realizing that every decision makes a difference, I have developed a characteristic of intense leadership for myself. I am beginning to live my life to the fullest.

^Living your life to the fullest, is your definition of 'intense leadership?'
That is alright. Everyone is entitled to their own interpretations of intense leadership. However, the ambiguity in 'living life to the fullest' is something else. Some people could interpret that as just partying twenty four seven. Whilst that is cool, you need to consider if this is the assumption you want the Admissions Committee to have about you...

People can come to this assumption, seeing as how you have not actually defined by what you mean when you say you are living life to it's fullest.

I have only recently allowed my inner characteristics to shine through. One example of this was my attempt to get a job. The restaurant where I had been working closed. For months I went out after wrestling practice looking for employment. Times were really hard economically and no one was hiring, but I kept going time after time. I finally landed my present job at Papa John's and I'mI am thrilled. I have strived to develop my skill at forming a mound of dough into a delectable pizza. Within a month my general manager and supervisor took notice of my continuous improvements and the effort I put into all of the other components of the restaurant. I'mI am now shift supervisor and it feels great .

Although I know this is part-time summer job, I'm proud of it and I believe that this shows my strong work ethic, as do my grades .

^So which inner characteristics did you allow to 'shine through'? You do not go into detail about them, let alone mention any other besides strong work ethic. Perhaps then, it should be 'characteristic'.

I will make a good Knight and contribute to the UCF community by being the best me I can be.
^Is that really your ending?

Undergraduate / influential person my father [4]

My father has always been the most influential person in my life hands done . He has taught me the true meaning of life: god, family, honesty, ambition and etc.

^Etc...I think readers would be interested in knowing what is your definition of 'life'.
By the way, did he teach you values, or the meaning of life?

He also motivated me to a career that I know I was destined for, but to blind to see and that my friends is to be a medical doctor.

My father Dr. Toby B. Okons was born on the west coast of Africa in a place called Nigeria.
^I think most people know Nigeria. Perhaps if you said that he was born in the same city as Nwanko Kanu, that could prompt some confusion. But Nigeria, I think everyone knows. So you do not have to say 'a place called Nigeria'. It kind of shows that you think your readers are ignorant, or at least, unknowing, both of which can be interpreted as insulting.

Being the youngest out of 6 he managed to hold down the household at the early age of 12.
^Spell your numbers.

Because of his father my grandfather was diagnosed with Glaucoma.
^??I do not get it. Are you trying to say that your great grandfather had glaucoma and passed it on to your grandfather?

Having little treatment to help my grandfather out he quickly lost his vision therefore living my father with the burdens of taking care of his family.

^Ok. Grammar revision needed.

Well, if your father is the most influential person, discuss what makes him so important to you as a person. What has he done that has taught you something that you believe is useful? Expand on those, and tell us how it has 'influnced' you. You know what your father has done. WHatever you believe has been truly meaninful, and has helped shaped your personality, then write about it.

Undergraduate / AP biology - University of Florida Admissions Essay [4]

I was moving away from all my relatives and all themy friends I had been going to school with since pre-school.

When I got to Naples I had a hard time making new friends; it was like moving to another planet. Everyone had different interests and personalities than those of my Chicago friends. No one thought the things we liked were cool.

^Try and not to use the word 'cool'. Perhaps, 'entertaining'?

They all had accounts on a website called Neopets, where they had little digital pets, I had never even heard of Neopets.
^'They'. For a second, I thought you were talking about your Chicago friends. make the reference more clear.

The fact that I was overweight didn'tdid not help much either, but after awhile I was able to adapt and find my own little niche. I was able to grow as a person and gainmake many friends. One of the biggest contributions was my joining band. It was like being in a big family. In fact the majority of my friends I met from the band. Everyone tends to stick together and help each other. I also intend to join band at UF. The other place I made a lot of friends in was my AP classes and JROTC classes.

I learned responsibility and many leadership qualities in JROTC, and met a lot of smart kids in my AP courses that have been in the same classes as me since my first AP in my freshman year.

^What to you is responsiblity, or leadership? Perhaps, you should give an example to prove that you learned these qualities. Then, you have proved it, and we can also see what you mean by these terms.

Also, how are these kids 'smart'. That is quite belittling to the other people in your school firstly. Secondly, what makes these kids 'smart'. Their academic grades, or their conceptual knowledge, or both?

If you were to try and teach them how to find the answers they would have no part in it, they were just interested in being lazy burdens to those who actually cared enough to learn the material.

^Do not use 'you'

Once I got in AP biology I was never asked for homework answers, but instead they would ask if I could help them study, which I was happy to do.

^Who is they.

I am sure that the students at UF are like the students I was friends with in the AP classes, and that I will easily develop good relationships with them. I also look forward to becoming part of the tight-knit band community present at UF.

^Are you sure that the students will be the same? You had problems developing friendships in the past. You make it sound, as if you are certain, that this will not be the case at UF.

Ok. The essay question asked you to describe a 'meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life'
^Quite frankly, I do not know which one you answered.
Was your meaninful accomplishment making friends?
Or was the meaningful experience part of being in the band/ AP Science class (I suggest you focus on one)

You talk about too many different things, therefore, you are not answering the prompt. This reflects poorly
Choose one meaningful thing to you, develop and analyze it, and evaluate it to tell readers how this meaningful thing will 'affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community'

Undergraduate / "My Name" - Common Application short answer essay [8]


^Hmmm. That would make sense. I thought Vishal's activity was just saying 'Vishal Patel, representing the delegation of Gabon'

I was led to that assumption, because that is how he starts the essay off.
Then, he says 'Though I speak these words only a few days a year, I have come to cherish them'
^So effectively, he is implying that he says these words, and since he cherishes them. Alright,

'This is how I introduce myself at a Model UN Conference. Joining the club following a friend's advice, I have come to appreciate it.'

^It is only assumable that he appreciates introducing himself, with those seven words.

So the question here is, what is the activity. Saying those seven words, are some membership at the Model UN Conference. If it the latter Vishal, I suggest completely removing the introductory lines, and just focus on your role at the Model UN Conference. If it is the former however, then read my suggestions above. In my previous post that is

Undergraduate / "Significant Experience" essay - need advice on the content of this essay [22]

^Great points Sean. I am disappointed with myself that I did not comment that the hermaphrodites are not homosexuals, and therefore, the 'Gay law' will not apply to them.

Sean also brings up another good point. In India, it is often a slang insult to call someone an intersexual. (I have heard these insults before...)Are you sure that the people you saw were actually hermaphrodites, and that the onlookers did not just yell out vituperative remarks at them because of some previously stemmed hatred, rather than because the two people were hermaphrodites?

Perhaps, you should consider discussing how you know that those two people were hermaphrodites...

Graduate / "Pursuit of knowledge" - My SOP for Software Engineering [8]

The days of my undergraduate study helped me to get sound knowledge and a firm graspsoverof the principles underlying the course of Information and Communication Engineering and has also equipped me with the necessary prerequisites for a formal graduate course. Take stock of the fluidity and the fast rate of obsolescence of the developments in this field, I have alwaysstrivestriven hard to keep myself abreast of the latest trends by going through the journals of IEEE Transactions on Software Engineering

*In reference to the bold parts, I am did not quite understand it. I think your grammar is to blame. 'Take stock of the fluidity'...that kind of puzzled me.

As it is absolutely necessary for everyone to be acquainted with computers, I have learnt 'C' and 'C++' then my interest grows on programming language.

*Not necessarily.

After then I have learnt Visual Basic and developed a library management software with the help of another two friends. After the successfully completion of that software I have decided to build my career on software engineering. After that I have developed different kinds of softwares using different languages. And presently I am working with php. I have also worked with Java, Visual Basic, C and C++. Also I have little experience on Prolog and Haskell.

^You say 'after that' too many times. I can see that you have his propensity to forget to include certain, basic words, such as 'the'.

My present job has helped me to develop different types of live services for different mobile phone operators. The industry environments that I am currently in do not support my desire for research. I possess industry-hardened skills in Computer Languages, but I must build on these to achieve my goal of undertaking cutting-edge research in Software Engineering.

^You should say over here, why do you want to research, or what is responsible for your 'desire to research'. Why do you actually want to bother studying all over again? You should mention this. It is quite important.

I therefore believe that I must return to the academic world for further growth.
^Like I said before, why do you need this further intellectual growth. What is the importance of it to you?

As the Software Engineering talk about software, I would say that system specification, writing programs, testing and integrating code, creating maintainable code and documentation should be the major aspects. Missing any of them even workable software can hardly be used.

^ALl of this needs grammar revision.

Documentation can help to make softwares visible and. quality assurance , which is also an aspect of Software Engineering, concerns the quality of software. Tools, the aspect of Software Engineering help to gear up software development. I am interested to do my research on the above aspects.

^But why? Also, you just say what these different topics are. You kind of give us a definition. I doubt that the Admissions Committee is reading your definitions to be honest. Rather, it would want to hear, why do these topics interest you. Why do you want to research them?

I believe that my perseverance, originality, talents and enthusiasm will distinguish me from other students and would help my success as a graduate student.
^What proof do you have of any of the things I have highlighted in bold. Do you have anything that can demonstrate your originality, or your enthusiasm, or your talent. Perhaps you can link it to you library software package. Perhaps. How have you shown perseverance?

I am confident that I will be able to meet the demands and requirements of the research in your university.
^Why try to meet? Try and exceed? Think of a better closing line. This one is just so boring and overused.

*Ok, I kind of get the impression that this SOP is only a ten minute job. The amount of thought that went to this appears to be quite low. You do not seem to be too focused on your academic interests, why you have these academic interests, and why you want to develop them...

Revise your essay, and expand and develop so that you can come off as a stronger candidate. This essay, looks like as if you did it just for the heck of it, or that you have not put too much effort into it. If the Admissions Committee sense either of these, or even both, then it is highly unlikely that they will be as uninterested in your application. Work on your essay.

Hmm alright. I can see that Simone and I worked on this pretty much at the same time. I looked at her revisions, and that paragraph which I had earlier found quite difficult to understand, has become a lot clearer after her revisions. Implement those changes in your essay as well.

Undergraduate / "My time with her count." - CommonApp essay - Evaluate a significant experience [7]


^Isnt phenomenal a bit too powerful of a word for this context?

My eyes finally landed on my little helper, and I waved at her. The van was revving up to leave, and I watched in awe as her tiny little hand formed itself into a thumbs-up.

^She could have also been signalling to you that you did a good job. It does show appreciation, which can be interpreted as being thankful. It could have also been a 'nice knowin ya' or 'this was cool' kind of thing.

A single tear rolled down my cheek as I realized that in one tiny action, she was thanking me. Because of her, I left Cambodia realizing that anything, whether it be a language barrier or a national sadness, could be overcome.

^Did you realize this, just because of a thumbs up? I find it quite amazing, how you 'realized' that 'ANYTHING' can be overcome, just because your little helper gave you a thumbs up...perhaps 'anything' is a bit too broad of a word.

Also, earlier, you had focused on the 'physical and emotional scars' of the two elderly people. Then, you say, that the young ones ' were the first generation that hadn't been directly affected by the Khmer Rouge'

^So, whilst the previous generation are 'sad', you kind of suggest that the younglings are not necessarily, 'sad', but are perhaps more oppressed due to the movement but do have the opportunities to 'outgrow it'. Alright, but then in that case, does it necessarily make it a 'national sadness'. From what I can interpret from your essay, the youthful are more hopeful, than sad.

I was in Tanzania last year, and did some volunteer work with some Masaii tribes, and even though the children's living standards and circumstances are totally different from mine, they did not seem 'sad'. Perhaps, it is 'saddening' to see people's lives be completely contrasted to ours.


^What exactly are you trying to say? I think your essay is quite well written, and naturally, the hardest parts to write are the introduction and the conclusion and these should aim to be the most striking in some way. Particularly the conclusion in my opinion. What are you trying to conclude here? Also, you should mention how this experience has 'influnced' you as a person.

Dissertations / Suggestions for Ph.D topic in marketing? [4]

Lol.
Generally, people pursue PHDs because they have an idea/ideas that they wish to expand on, with the general aim of contributing to the development of an academic field.

Clearly, Kishore has no idea. Perhaps he is not suited for a PHD. Afterall, to be ready for a PHD program comes at a particular level of intellectual maturity. Perhaps Kishore is just not ready, if he is going on an ESSAYFORUM website, and asking people for topics in marketing even though he should have a clear idea as to what topics it is in marketing that he is interested in and willing to research.

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate essay help ("living on campus") [6]

Although my name is John, you will most likely call me either "Fouts" (My last name) or "German".
^Alright. This is a friendly approach. However, some people may not like it that you think that they will call you by your cultural identity. It may come off as if you already think that they will have some prejudice to you, because you are a German.

Now you probably are thinking "okay Fouts is his last name, but German? Why that?!" and the reason is I'm a German fanatic.

^Ahh kk. But that does not mean I will call you a 'German' then does it.

History, Culture, Food, politics, language, you name it and I'm interested. I wasn't born in Germany but hopefully someday I would love to move and live there. Besides being a German lover,

^I am going to comment on this part right here. A German lover. Re-read this.
A lover who is German...??

I also have a unusual love for duct tape and fixing things. I can guarantee you that if there's something that's needed to be fixed in the dorm, me and duct tape will be involved.I will use duct tape.

I've fixed everything from wall sockets to my guitar with that wonderful silver tape. Not only do you not have to worry about things getting fixed, you can always look forward to getting a awesome home made meal as well.

^
Well, lets just say if I am your room mate, I am already looking forward to a guy who will fix my stuff and make my meals ;)

Since I started high school in 2006 my mom has been teaching me how to cook some fantastic meals that'll have you sayin' "I'm thinking Fouts".

^Umm..really. I dont think I want to think about a German male lover, when I am eating food. :P

I'm not the next Emril, but I do know how to make tasty meals that put up a façade for an expensive 5 star restaurant meal.

^Not everyone likes cuisine just so you know. Id prefer a bucket of KFC any day over, for a poor example, chicken with sauteed mushrooms.

It would seam that I would be the perfect roommate, but I do have a flaw and that's my complete laziness when it comes to cleaning up.

^Not the perfect room mate...Just because you cook my meals, and fix my stuff, doesnt make you the perfect room mate!

I leave clothes on the floor, I rarely put my dishes away, and couldn't care less if that coke can on the table sat there for 3 weeks. If you looked at my room now you might be shocked to call me a German with my absolutely entropic living space.

^Wow..is this a stereotype I am reading right here?

What you see as a pile of junk and an un-Prussian disorganized mess, I see as a perfect polymerization of organization and compactness. Ultimatly...

Hmmm..you do know that this essay is also addressed to the Admissions Committee right?
Dont write this essay as if you are writing to a pen pal, who is going to be a university room mate.

Undergraduate / "my peers' views" - admission essay-common app [5]

You seem to preach some philosphies, rather than narrate a 'significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced'

So quite frankly, you are not answering the essay.
There is no point suggesting corrections, because you need to rewrite the essay from scratch.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]

Chris only found out because his father admitted it. The father admitted it in what was described as a breakdown.
Also, the normal every day task of ours, is different to that of Chris's, so it is not an accurate comparison.
You also do not know how difficult it is to have autism, since you do not have it. Chris does not reveal any difficulties with having autism; he does not show express any emotions related to his autism, as he is emotionally stunted. Therefore, you cannot assume how difficult he found life to be with autism. Other people around him however, thought he was a difficult child to manage.

Undergraduate / 'DNA Repair / Surgery / Medicine / Upbringing' - Short Response to Johns Hopkins [3]

Thanks vietfun2k :)

In your second answer, I thought that the introductory sentence was a bit of a cliche, and I think that is the lamest way to start the answer because if the first sentence already bores the Admissions Committee, then that is not always a good thing.

I remove the surgeon's trade part because it is understood from your answer that you want to become a surgeon. I thought that the way you ended that answer was also a bit cliche-ish and not that impactful or enlightening about yourself.

That is why I removed those two parts. However, other people may think otherwise, but my suggestion is to remove it.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]


I do not recall him thinking the world is a terrifying place. Can you give me an example, or examples preferably, when he thought this was the case.


^Not always. If you forgot, Ed does say 'fuck' at him quite a bit, and also has been violent with Chris.


When was she hot tempered?

*For the other people, you can develop on their characteristics if you want to. There is more to say. Also, for Shioban, your sentence needs grammar revision towards the end.

We also see that Mrs Shears is very rude and obviously depressed with life.

This is a very gripping murder mystery, as the writer Mark Haddon takes youhis readers inside the mind of someone who views the world entirely different than most people do. Christopher wasis diagnosed with autism therefore he adores puzzles and is a great character to investigate the murder of a black poodle, Wellington.

^Because he has autism..he adores puzzles? Autism can range from person to person, I doubt that every autistic person adores puzzles.

His autism however creates severe problems so that if someone has physical contact with him, he would get really angry and become violent.
^Can be rephrased better.

This makes him an interesting detective since he cannot interpret people's emotions beyond what his mentors had taught him, so he must follow certain rules he learned as well as face his own fears to solve the mystery. The simplicity of Haddon's writing creates a descriptive world of what Christopher is going through.

^The simple language does not necessarily describe in great detail the world and what Chris is going through. Rather, readers can see how Chris thinks and how his thought process if just a stream of logic and constant reasoning.

The author writes in a way that you understand how Christopher's mind works and allows the reader to understand what is going on even when Chris is oblivious.

^Replace 'you' with readers. I can see that this point is linked to the one I made earlier...

This short read will go by quickly, but the true meaning of this reading will last much longer.
^Well said ending lol.

Writing Feedback / The New Bus Driver [7]


Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr you did not mention any of this earlier so I guess you expected me to just know that some how right?


^I would not know if the blacks should have hated the whites.
Frederick Douglass worked with white people. However, ignorant as it may sound, I do not know what the general black sentiment was to the general white person at the time; i am sorry.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]


Well, rather than coming off with that tone, perhaps it is in fact possible that I read the book a while ago and not just yesterday.

And no. The father did not just have one outburst. "Maybe it's been a while since you read the book?"

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]

At my high school, more student-run clubs open every year. I love the commitments my peers have made to our community and themselves.
^What is the point in mentioning this? This is nothing about you.

Out of the several clubs I participate and hold leadership positions in, Debate is one of my favorites, especially because it uses strategy and intelligence simultaneously.

^In reference to what is highlighted in bold, it sounds as if you are trying to already impress whoever is reading your essay that you do so much. I doubt they will care, and will probably just identify this as some facade that you are trying to put on. Just tell your readers that you enjoy Debate club.

I began the club thinking it would be a good way to meet involved students.
^Did you start the club, or join it?

However, I have learned much more from this club. By debating in an aggressive atmosphere, I have learned the importance of keeping calm, whilst maintaining a strong presence. Additionally, my impromptu speech writing has become both formidable and succinct.

^Id really say that is a matter of opinion. Also, debate tends to be rather subjective. So there is no guarantee that your speech writing has actually improved at all. I have seen debators, and even though I may think that one party expressed more accurate views and made and evaluated much stronger points, the judge panel may choose the other team because of a matter of opinion. Do you see where I am going with this? Even if you do not, you do not need to praise yourself like this by saying that your writing has become 'formidable and succint'.

All of this self-improvement has brought me to co-secretary of this club. The most valuable thing I have learned, however, is to appreciate knowledge and awareness, for without it, not only would debate cease to exist, but also with it, the sense of difference and contrast in our colorful world.

^Hmm I am not quite feling the ending, particularly the last sentence. Not all debates impart knowledge and awareness just so you know. Saying that kind of shows you have a limited understanding on the concept of debating.

Debating is used to express your point of view and counter a conflicting point of view. What is the probability that you would have knocked sense into your opponent, and made him believe that he/she is wrong and that you are right. If he/she still believes in his/her view after the debate, then that person did not appreciate your knowledge and did not choose to become aware of the validity of your claims.

For example, I actually do advocate free markets and capitalism. Suppose you think otherwise, you can debate with me all you like, your points may even be more valid, however, that does not mean that my awarness or knowledge of your point of view will improve, because my parochial view on the free market and it's benefits will remain intact. Do you see what I mean here. Debates do not necessarily change the minds of people. Particularly the debators. If these debators continue to cling on to their points of view, then they have not appreciated knowledge. I have done some debating in the past and have seen debate clubs in school. I really do not think that debators want to gain knowledge from an alternative perspective, because that would mean that they are wrong. Also, if they do accept knowledge, and become more aware, of another point of view, then quite frankly, the debate is over. It is a resolved matter. It was a debate.