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Posts by Charphil
Name: Philipe Charak
Joined: Oct 28, 2014
Last Post: Dec 30, 2014
Threads: 5
Posts: 27  
Likes: 10
From: Brazil
School: EBY

Displayed posts: 32
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Charphil   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / Crtl. Del? My finger came to a halt at the delete button. What if colleges read this and dislike me? [2]

I really think your essay is great!! I won't comment on grammar because I am a prospective international student and english is my second language. Nevertheless, I will provide you some comments and tell you what I think was great/not so great about your essay..

1st: I liked the idea for your introduction but I think it lacks something between the first lines (the ctrl + delete thing) and the actual start of your essay when you said you were the vice president of the Kermesse. Just as a sentence or two in order to connect this two ideas. btw! I liked that you came back to the clicking the "save button" in the end.

2nd: you definitly developed your essay in a very descriptive manner and answered the prompt. Things such as being able to make self-evaluations, recognizing your mistakes, acting with responsibility and acknowledging the consequences of your actions in other people's lives are things that colleges seek in their students. The only thing that I would do if I were you, would be to expand a little more on the idea of what lessons did you learn and say how did you change after that. After you realized the importance of acting with responsibility, how do you deal with situations like that??

Congratulations, I really liked your essay!
Charphil   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / Anticipated major: Applied Economics and Management (entrepreneurship concentration) - LEGOS essay [7]

I like the overall of your text.. it is really unique and it certainly has to do with entrepreneurship. However, I agree with grcpark7 when she said that you should talk a little bit more about the major your interested, specifically on this school. If I were you, I would delete some portions of the text bcause even though the story is interesting and unique, you spent a lot of time talking about your entrepreneurship inclination, rather than saying what really makes the College of Arts and Sciences at Cornell University appealing to you. I would expand on the (HOW CAN/ SHOULD I ADD ANY OF THIS) paragraph and link sprinkle more of your actual specific major in the paragraphs. I would focus on WHY Cornell, rather than spend the whole essay talking about your fascination for Legos and your youtube channel! It is a great topic to talk about and an awesome way to catch the reader's attention, but keep in mind that whoever reads your application will be looking for your interest at Cornell, specifically...

great job and I hope this helps
Charphil   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / I am a curious, determined Brazilian Jew and I still feel the urge to "be more". [3]

In no more than 250 words, please tell us why BU is a good fit for you and what specifically has led you to apply for admission.

I am a curious, determined Brazilian Jew and I still feel the urge to "be more." After I realized how different people can be and the influence their backgrounds has on them, I have yearned to learn more about the cultures of others. I have been dreaming to study abroad because I've always wanted to keep feeding my curiosity and learn how I can give back my knowledge and experiences to the world. I visited BU's campus last April and instantly felt that it resonates highly with what I have been dreaming to experience in college: cultural exchange, intellectual growth, diversity, and identity.

BU's Business Administration and Management major became unique and appealing to me once I realized that I could interweave my interest in attaining a managerial education and join an array of student clubs. Combining both my career-oriented interest and my passion for sports, I can clearly see myself as a member of the Sports Management Association, for example.

Located in one of the most vibrant cities in the US, BU effectively integrates academic and social sites where students are able to study and make lasting friendships. Having a good time is always possible by reaching equilibrium between academic and leisure activities, and BU's campus and community encourage this lifestyle. I want to be part of this responsible, educated, global community, and I am confident that if I am granted the opportunity to attend Boston University, my dreams will come true.

Hey everyone, please give me a hand here!

- What more should I include and/or what should I cut out?
- Do I need to be specific with any clubs and organizations?
- Grammatical errors?
- Is it a good idea to focus on its diversity? I feel like its a little bit cliche..
- Is my concluding sentence good?

Thanks

Charphil   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

Hey Daniel! great essay! very nice desciption and you answered the prompt. You asked how you can change and cut out some words right?

Well, If I were you I would cut some parts of the description on the first paragraph (even though I loved it), you started to be a little repetitive in that paragraph.. As soon as you make clear to the reader that you are climbing, that the path is hard, and that you are not giving up, you can go ahead and start saying how rock climbing defines you. How have you changes since you started climbing, how you helped others, how you started showing off your proactiveness.. the key word on your prompt is IDENTITY . The universities wants to know how you define yourself through rock climbing.. Focus your words, creativity and drama on this part of the essay rather than your sweaty hands slipping from the rock you were holding to. does that make sense? I hope this helps! good luck! ;)
Charphil   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / LEGO - The urge to create is equally strong in all children. It's imagination that counts, not skill [3]

Hey Everyone! Cornell is my top choice university and I would appreciate a lot if anyone could give me some feedback on this! I will return the favor! I am kind of running out of time and I want to submit this essay ASAP so any help would do it!

thanks in advance!

Why are you excited to pursue your chosen major in AAP? What specifically about AAP and Cornell University will help you fulfill your academic and creative interests and long-term goals? (Please limit your response to 650 words.)

"The urge to create is equally strong in all children. It's imagination that counts, not skill. You build whatever comes into your head, the way you want it." - Lego's Instructions to Parents from 1973.

Since childhood, I developed interest for arts and creation in general. When I was 7 years old I took art lessons with a professional artist at Studio Lazar, Săo Paulo, Brazil. I would often paint things from my imagination and when I wasn't in the mood to paint I would create structures with empty bottles, cereal boxes, cardboards, and wood sticks. It would be a lie to say that it was childish. The truth was that I loved whatever I created and I enjoyed expressing my creativity. Since ninth grade I have been cultivating my dream of becoming an architect and attending a well-respected university to achieve this goal.

I have passion for creation, innovation, and change; what I seek is artistic freedom and a means of personal expression and the College of AAP is the best place for me to explore all of this. I am passionate about the idea of completing a B.Arch due to my great interest on how things fit together and how each design focusses on the necessities of the people who enter a specific building. I want to facilitate interaction, care for the environment, and develop new aesthetic implications through architecture. I want to keep "thinking otherwise" and use the academic freedom that I will receive at Cornell University to keep feeding my creativity and imagination.

I am conscious that success is dependent on effort and I am willing to do whatever it takes to thrive as an architectural student. Before deciding to apply to Cornell I've researched a lot about the university and I found out that there are several things that make the College of AAP appealing to me. The student-teacher ratio is ones of them. I know from experience that small class sizes will provide the perfect environment for a hard-working student to strive at his courses and succeed in his career. I want to be part of the change I want to see in the world; and to be part of it, I need to be able to learn as much as possible, take advantage of every opportunity I get to expand my knowledge, grow intellectually, mature, and explore the best out of my creativity. As one of the most selective colleges in the US, the College of AAP sticks to the best and I strongly believe that it is the ideal place for someone with objectives like mine.

Moreover, unique opportunities such as Cornell's Architecture in Rome study abroad program will give me a remarkable cultural and learning experience. Studying abroad will strengthen my cultural awareness and provide me other perspectives concerning architecture. Living in another country will give me space to learn a new language, and get closer to other students, things that will make both my social and academic lives at Cornell much more vibrant.

Also, joining clubs and organizations related to architecture such as the American Institute of Architecture Students (which focus mainly on an architectural education and in the development of essential architectural skills) and other clubs involving community service, hobbies, and athletics is on my "must-do" list. Clubs will provide me the chance to meet new people, learn about other cultures, and discover new interests. These are going to be key tools in my formation not only as a great architect, but also as a well-rounded citizen of the world. All I want is to graduate from a great college and use my degree and creativity to change the way civilization perceives the world through architecture. I am confident that if I am granted the opportunity to attend Cornell University, new doors will open for me in the future and that is how I intend to make a difference.
Charphil   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / "Have fun", "Relax a bit" - Why NYU? It is because diversity has always been important to me. [12]

Hi Amir! I must say that I am impressed! Really good essay. I liked the way you started in the introduction with a lot of descriptions and how you continued to explore the topic of NYU's diversity.

in your second paragraph, you also showed that "you did your homework" and that you know a lot about the college. However, I would try to focus more on the What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? part of the essay. The reason NYU asks for this supplement is that it want to know why, above all reasons, people are applying to it. NYU pride itself on its diversity, and it is amazing that you can help it with that. If I were you, I would try to explore, HOW you can benefit from its diversity and how your background, ideologies, beliefs, etc will help to contribute to NYU's community. NYU wants to know how will you benefit from what it has to offer and how can you offer something special to NYU. Focus your text on these two aspects and you'll probably be good to go!

good luck! :)
Charphil   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / High school, the time when the limits of mentality and individuality are tested - UPenn essay [4]

I agree K M. The overall is fine but you need more stuff to relate specifically to why you want UPenn so badly. Visit its website and search for programs, research opportunities and clubs that reasonate with your interests and college goals.

If I were you, I would make the second paragraph shorter and invest as much as I can enhancing and polishing the thrid one.

Another thing you can think of is the structure of your essay. Two paragraphs are extremely big and this can make the reader kind of tired. It seems longer than it should be. Try to separate it in a 5 or 6 paragraph essay. (I'm not counting the first one as one because it simply does not compare to the other two - in size)
Charphil   
Dec 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / Number of people has increased since 1800 and will increase continuously and then will decrease [5]

let me try to assim you with your writing, ok?

The line graph demonstrates both the growth of the global population since the year 1800 and its predestino until the year 2100. The bar graph, however, compares the prediction of the global population growth in developed and underdeveloped regions between 2015 and 2040. Both graphs measure the data in millions of people.

Here goes a tip: whenever describing a graph, tell the reader what the graph is measuring, the type of graph, the units. Just how you did above. After, focus on the higher marks of the graph, the lower marks, and how it proceeds: increasing? decreasing? remains constant? ale ALWAYS provide some quantification.. mention the approximately how many millions of people there were in the year 2050 for example...


Overall, the quantity of people has increased continually since 1800. Nevertheless, a fall in the population growth is expected happen approximately by 2043.
The number of people in the world stood at 1,000 million and increased steadily until 1950. After that, the global population increased significantly until now and is going to reach its zenith of approximately 8,000 million in 2043. After that, we will probably witness a dramatic decrease to around 6,000 million by the year 2100.

In regards to the second graph, one may see that the population of the developing areas will suffer an increase of approximately 2,000 million people from around 2,000 million in 2015 to 4,000 million in 2040. In contrast, the developed areas's population will remain constant with about 1,500 million people through the whole period.
Charphil   
Dec 17, 2014
Undergraduate / Humility leads people to fulfillment in the most authentic way possible - Transition into Adulthood [7]

Hi Samuel and Anfa, thanks for the tips.

Samuel: in regards to your question: how did I formulasse the speech impromptu? Well, the passagem I learned to read had these messages intrinsic in it. I just took some time to talk about the hidden messages I had learned with my professor. I will find a way to put this in... but what do you suggest to delete on the last portion?

Anfa: Yes, I took some time to read it again, and again. But I was just wondering and I figured that the "that that" things was kind of intentional to emphasize that idea.

I finally realized that that day(I think I shouldn't change this one) was a new beginning; that that ((here is another story. Maybe I could right something like: "the day I would walk pass the ignorance...)

Just a question: does anybody know how can I tag another username and how to write portions of a text while I'm correcting them? just like anafil did in the blue box?

Thanks for the tips
Charphil   
Dec 16, 2014
Undergraduate / Humility leads people to fulfillment in the most authentic way possible - Transition into Adulthood [7]

Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family (650 words).

I am 16 words beyond the limit... (666)[/i]

Please comment, correct gramar, cooperate with ideas to improve my essay. Like it is on the subject, it is my common app essay and I need some feedback. It's kinda urgent! Thanks in advance!

I have had less sleep than I had wished. I sat down on my bed and rubbed my eyes softly avoiding the sunlight that passed through the shutter cracks. Slowly, I opened my eyes and walked half-awake towards the bathroom. I splashed water on my face and suddenly everything got clearer. I finally realized that that day was a new beginning; that that day I would walk pass the ignorance of childhood and give space for the more enlightened version of myself to blossom. My parents and siblings came to my room and congratulated me. Six in the morning and we all were already up and dressed for breakfast. I quickly placed my speech on my jacket's inner pocket and went to the synagogue.

According to the Jewish law, at the age of thirteen a boy becomes an adult. He becomes aware of his responsibilities and opportunities; he is the one to guilt for his actions. My preparation for this transition involved a lot of dedication and study for one year. Weekly, my professor, Marcel Berditchevsky, would teach me passages of the Torah, tell the stories behind the Jewish Holidays, and help me write the speech I would deliver to my guests.

At 7:30a.m., inquisitive, caring, and admired eyes looked at me while I took off my jacquet, wrapped the Tefilin (leather artifact used in the ritual) around my arm, and started reading the Torah. Everyone was staring at me while they keenly listened to my voice as I pronounced the words from the sacred blessings. After that, it was time for my discourse. The situation I found myself in was unpredictable: I had forgotten that the speech was in my jacket's inner pocket! My nervousness gradually increased as I noticed that sweat was running down my forehead and that my legs were trembling. More than 400 people were anxiously waiting for me with smiles on their faces. After two minutes searching for it, alone, I decided to speak without it.

No one was expecting me to speak without the speech in my hands, not even me. I deliberately got the microphone and started speaking. Well, I guess that not everything happens as expected. It turned out that the lessons I learned with Marcel were essential and that I couldn't have done it without them. Deep inside of me I knew the message I wanted to transmit and for the first time in my life I did something unexpected from someone my age.

Speaking in public is definitely not easy. Watching a 13-year old take a stand for himself to talk about humility, family, and love in front of a crowd is something that people don't see everyday. I picked these words because they changed me for better and I knew they could make others flourish too. Humility is something that leads people to fulfillment in the most authentic way possible. In the same year, I volunteered at KSpace so that I would make a difference in the lives of needy and deficient children; I would be one of their reasons to smile. Regardless of our race, religion, gender, and financial differences, acting humbly taught me to provide my best for the sake of others. My family taught me valuable lessons and demonstrated full diligence and faithfulness in me. Since then, I have acknowledged it as my reason for existing and being the one I am today. With dedication and an unstoppable willpower, I have been seeking to thrive in everything I do to make it proud. Love because the love we have for each other is what discerns us from mere fragments scattered around the universe. Since my thirteenth birthday, everything I do, everything I wish, and everyone I interact with, I love. I don't know what exactly made me grab that microphone. All I knew was that from that moment people would see me as an adult and I just figured that that was the perfect time to start acting like one.
Charphil   
Dec 16, 2014
Undergraduate / 'Struggling is what paves the golden path to success'; bring beliefs in the Sikh religion; NYU essay [2]

I really liked the first sentencie, but you only reconnected to it in the last paragraph when you simply mentioned your wardrobe. If I were you, I would try to come up with something creative and strong in the last paragraph in order to make everything you said on the second paragraph more concrete. The ideas are greats and you write really well. Just try to focus more on how the theory you mentioned in the first paragraph compares to the struggles on your second paragraph and conclude with something that pass the message that you will be an asset for the NYU community for being who are. I'm sorry about Northeastern, though. good luck! hope this helps
Charphil   
Nov 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / Right way to spend money [2]

Hi Shon Do,
I'm sorry to say this but if I were you, I would try to write the whole thing again, paying attention to sentence structure and grammar. Ask someone who know English a little better than you to help you with this. I understood that for you, the priority is to spend money on eradicating poverty and researching other energy sources, and that's great! However, you should work more on your essay. Try to make it sound more complex, justify your opinion! I tried to make some corrections. Hope this helps :)

Although, some persons(people) think that it is better to spend money on outer space ( this sentence is incomplete) . However, I have a strong belief that there is (are)a lot of issues on this blue planet that we need to first take care of . Specifically, poverty and the supply of electricity. This essay will clarify all the reasons mentioned above.

Poverty has always been a leading issue in our world, since there is an abundance of underprivileged countries that require lots of supports from us. In fact, they do not have sufficient foods to consume, nor access to proper education is not available for them . Obviously, how can we think about wasting money on outer space when those problems are still happeningconfusing try something like: "Obviously, spending money on researching the outerspaces misplace our priorities . Furthermore, when people are poor, they tend to do illegal things to survive such as poaching or hunting, cutting down numerous trees. You need a transition here. There is somethink lacking here because you don't properly connect the ideas of poverty and global warming As a result, our world is getting warmer and warmer each day. If we do not intend to solve this poverty issue, people will keep damaging our environment. Imagine ourselves , if we were underdeveloped and have offspring, clearly, we would have to do something about it.(confusing) Hence, the only way to withstand this circumstance is by doing something illegally.

Moreover, another problem that we are suffering is the management of electricity. Our world do not possess any permanent resource. In other words, it is limited. We have to solve this electricity issue as soon as possible. Since, electricity has played a pivotal role in our life. These days, it is almost impossible to live without electricity. To clarify, most of our technologies or utilities consume a definite amount of electricity. It can be a computer, a robot and many others.

The aforementioned reasons examine that there isare tremendous unsolved things left in this world. Firstly , a large group of countries still need to be consolidated. Secondly, electricity is about to end on this planet. Indeed, I support the community, which consider that we must spend our money on basic needs first.
Charphil   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / We are not so powerless as it seems - Bentley [11]

What do you think Louisa? I tried really hard to fit everything you suggested into it.. Word limit makes everything harder LOL :)

Dani was like a young brother to me. I have known him since he was born. He was an 11-year old innocent, genial boy who had his whole life ahead of him when he was first diagnosed with Leukemia. He then started to attend an institution called KSpace. KSpace has been promoting social services for needy children and for children who have delicate conditions since 2003. When I found out about his cancer, I decided to do anything to ease his plight and so, I volunteered at KSpace.

I have been volunteering at KSpace since I was 14 - when Dani joined the program. Weekly, I play with dozens of children to make them smile. Scavenger Hunts and cooking are among the kids' favorites. Hear them laugh at jokes brings me peace of mind and optimism. Receiving hugs from them and hearing they would miss me is always gratifying because I know that is their way of thanking me for being there for them.

People say that we only value what is ours until it's gone; it hurts to let go. Nevertheless, Dani taught me to be thankful for what I am and for what I have, and dexterous to grab every opportunity that knocks on my door. Unfortunately, Dani passed away. Today, helping his peers to keep their hopes up is my opportunity to make a difference, what motivates me to keep on exerting positive influence upon those who need it the most; and this is called character.

Word Count: 249
Charphil   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / It's worst than death terror? My fear of public speaking [3]

Hi Sophie,

I do like the quote in the beginning of the essay

However, as the promt suggests it is "a personal essay on a pivotal moment in your life that changed your outlook" . The only paragraph that you really talked about your experience as a public speaker was on the second paragraph and you never mentioned how it affected your life. I know that you said "As i began to speak again, i stuttered and my voice was shaking as if i had a gun pointed at me. Public speaking had gotten to me, and I didn't know how to defeat it." but I think it was not sufficient. The Admission Officer that reads your essay will probably wonder (just like I did) how you managed to overcome this fear? How this experience made you mature, develop your public speaking skills, and molded you the way you are today?

Also, if I were you, I would choose to write formally. Capitalize the i's and try to apply the concept of "Show, Don't Tell" to your essay... remeber, this essay must express a pivotal moment in your life.

Instead of focusing this essay on public speaking with your experience as just an example, put yourself in the center. Is YOUR time to shine.. make your experience the core of the essay : )

Hope that helps
Charphil   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / We are not so powerless as it seems - Bentley [11]

Hey Louisa, thanks for pointing that out. Should I just change the order of the text like I did below? Show I add anything else? How can I improve it even more? I think now it sounds better because I first introduce Dani (like you suggested) and why I decided to volunteer at K Space. Then, I say a bit about KSpace and what I do there as a volunteer, what I feel and my connection to the kids, and last, I "tie back"to Dani, kind of summarize everything. What do you think?
Charphil   
Oct 30, 2014
Undergraduate / "Sobremesa" - UChicago; untranslatable, personal word [6]

Very creative and well written and it tell a lot about you.. I would just wait for a second opinion because, even though I liked that you added some words in Spanish (it shows some more about your culture and that need of expressing what it means to you in your own language), I'm not sure how the Admission Officer that reads your essay will see it.
Charphil   
Oct 30, 2014
Undergraduate / Essay on swimming - it's part of my life - Babson [8]

Louisa, thanks for helping me with this! Below is my final version.

I've always thought that being short and and chubby were good reasons for failing to swim successfully. My coach disagreed with me and taught me that I had two paths to choose from in life: either I try or give up. I knew I wasn't trying hard enough to improve at swimming but after our talk, "striving to succeed" became a part of my character. I became stronger, faster, and competitive. I learned to excel at challenges through perseverance, commitment and tenacity. By swimming, I learned that there are no incapable persons, only people who are not willing to try.

I changes 1 or 2 things only.. I really appreciate your help! :) 100 words!
Charphil   
Oct 30, 2014
Undergraduate / Essay on swimming - it's part of my life - Babson [8]

Thanks a lot for the advice! I Think I managed to improve it, but I still have 12 words above the limit and I do need help to cut them up. Please feel free to correct any grammar mistakes and/or give opinions on the paragraph. Thanks in advance

I've always thought that being short and chubby was a good excuse for being a lazybones in swimming. One day, my coach taught me that there are two paths in life: to give up or to try harder. I acknowledged that I wasn't trying hard enough but I knew that didn't want to give up either. Striving for the best became my #1 principle. Soon, I grew stronger, faster, and competitive. I not only learned to swim with austerity, but also I excelled in every challenge upraised by my coach. With perseverance, commitment, and tenacity, I keep my head up and treat every obstacle as a new opportunity to prove myself capable.
Charphil   
Oct 30, 2014
Undergraduate / Home is Where Honduras is - some things are best when together - my goal and passion [5]

Hey Andrew,

Your essay looks fine and I really liked the ending. However, as I read through it, it sounded a little repetitive "I don't want to go to Honduras, but now I like Honduras and I want to improve its conditions." Try to focus on the idea you inserted in the end, that it helped to put your life into place. Add what called your attention and how your will to transform Honduras for better developed. Emphasize your dreams and how you're planning to accomplish them. Add more YOU. Focus on your maturity, your change in opinion, and how you grew as a person from the experience.

Hope that helped
Charphil   
Oct 28, 2014
Undergraduate / We are not so powerless as it seems - Bentley [11]

Please feel free to elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (250 word limit)- I have 207 words

I had never stopped to think how powerless we, humans, are until Dani passed away, for he had Leukemia. He was only an 11-year old innocent, sweet boy who had his whole life ahead of him. This was the turning point for me. When I was 14, I decided to join K Space's volunteering crew. K Space is an institution that promotes social services for needy children, for people with disabilities, and for children who suffer from delicate conditions.

[...]
Charphil   
Oct 28, 2014
Undergraduate / "Tell me what happened" - VCU Struggle Essay [5]

WOW! What an amazing story! I feel really bad for Taylor, though.

Don't get me wrong, but I must say that despite the fact the the story gave me chills, it kinds of get off the prompt. It seems that taylor faced a dramatically harder situation than yours. Of course is horrible to know that your best friends received a diagnosis like that. If I were you, I'd pick a different experience. Try to think of something you like and usually excel on, but you failed and how this failure led to build the person you are today. For example: supposing you love to dance, but in one of the most important presendations, you fell. Even though this was a bad experience, it fortified your character and created will to practice more. You won the next presentation.. something like that.

"What I didn't realize was how much the tragedy of the people close to you affects the people that are close to you, almost more than the person actually suffering from the tragedy." - sounds confusing

hope that helped... sorry for your friend, and sorry for the comment. I know how frustrating this may be
Charphil   
Oct 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / FARMING: Agriculture plays a leading role in our country, Cambodia has abundance of free territories [2]

The main idea is good and you have some good examples. However, if I were you, I would try to make it sound more complex. Cut off some words like "consequently, for the reason that ( I think you mean "for that reason"), thus, as a result" etc. Try to read it out loud and "hear" it. Try to speak in the first person as the prompt asks what do YOU recommend for your country. try things such as "in my opinion", or "analyzing the current issue, I believe that a center for research in agriculture would be much more valuable to Cambodia"... does that help? Be objective.

Polish it and you'll be on the right track
Charphil   
Oct 28, 2014
Undergraduate / "What's the flow rate?" asks my coworker - "28.32 seconds" I replied - NOAA Internship - Stanford [2]

you can say how NOAA led you to discover your passions for engineering and environmental conservation. Most importantly, my last two years at NOAA have revealed how important each and every individual is in the scientific discovery process.

"This lesson has followed me outside of the lab" - u could elaborate a little bit on how it affected you outside of the lab.

the overall is quite good but try to focus more on you. Explore more on the experiences you've got from applying the lessons you learned. give some concrete examples on this. Very good, though. Congrats
Charphil   
Oct 28, 2014
Undergraduate / Essay on swimming - it's part of my life - Babson [8]

I had my first swimming lesson without water wings when I was three; I loved it. As I grew faster, stronger, and more competitive, I not only learned how to swim all strokes, but I excelled in every challenge my coach raised for me. Today, 15 years later, I recognize that swimming is part of my life. My coach taught me that there are two paths in life: to give up or to try harder, because giving up means you didn't try hard enough. For me, striving for the best is a principle applied to every single action of mine.
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