Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: MEN AND WOMEN'S JOBS ACCORDING TO THEIR QUALITIES [3]

involve s.one in sth or involve + sth/V-ing
... jobs involving in delivering ...

Therefore, in the future, As a result, women have ... and the elderly,for example.

This is an incomplete sentence
For instance, Jay Manuel ...

... they cannot do other's tasks succeed in ...

I hope these feedback will help you. If you have time, please help me with my thread as well :D.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: IS ART AN USEFUL SUBJECT TO STUDY? [3]

In my opinion, your essay is very well written. Your vocabulary is rich. Just a few nit-picking things from me.

Undertaking ... result in financially stable careers, ... engineers, that provide financial stability.
The greatest Many ground-breaking inventions are were/have been designed by ...

I hope my feedback is helpful. If you have time, please help with my interview question too. Thanks a lot.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 : adults' study and how the costs of courses should be shared [3]

Introduction: In my opinion, you need to do more paraphrase and write concisely;

The bar chart and the ... of lists the reasons ... to study pursue further education and how people think , while the pie chart illustrates adults' opinions on how to share the costs of adult education should be shared.

2nd paragraph: Adult education is actually a real word, so a paraphrase of it sounds odd to me. I fixed a couple places for this 2nd paragraph. I think your main problem is that you tend to write very complex sentences, which may lead to confusion. I know IELTS prefer complex sentences but be careful of overusing it. Your sentence which starts with Besides has problem with parallelism grammar. You used Noun and to-do verb together in a list. Also, for is used with N or V-ing only.

The bar chart shows that major the main reasons of adults' study adult education are that they want ... qualifications, which take ... 38 percent, respectively. Besides, study reasons as education is seen as a tool for adults' job improving work performance or to ... promotion, enhancing promotion prospects, or to simply enjoy for the love of learning. These three reasons also hold approximately 20 percent for each one. ... having an opportunity to change job and meeting to meet people ... 9 percent, respectively.

I hope my feedback is helpful. If so, please improve the rest upon these feedback and I hope to help the remaining. Also, if you could help, please come to my thread and help my interview question out too. Thank you so much.

Writing Feedback / Because of media, Michael Jackson is not only known from his excellent voice [4]

what do you want to say specifically in this paragraph? You want to persuade other that media are exploiting famous celebrities's personal lives, not how the celebrities feel about it or how they lost their achievement in life :)

Can you give me the question of your essay. Because if the essay as to what extent do you agree ..., your conclusion should focus on your opinion and your side in the argument :(. I really really hope this help

Writing Feedback / Help to only our own community or nation, as it is not possible to help each and every one? [3]



To begin with, there is no doubt that citizens in one country have priorities to be assisted first when they are in need of help because accommodating its residents is a government's highest responsibility. Moreover, it is our nature to give aid to people closest to us because we understand these people's difficulties the most. We can't stand seeing other in misery. Therefore, many charities and non-profit organizations were found to benefit the homeless, the disabilities and so on. People in a country then donate their old clothes and other belongings to these organizations with the hope of bringing a better life to people around them.This is just some of my idea for your second paragraph, proofread it as you need to ^_^


This graph sounds nice; however, have you wondered why rich nations need to help other countries. You should add some critical thinking so that even a selfish country, after reading this, is willing to provide aid to other countries ^_^.


Ahh, actually no comment for your conclusion. It sounds quite abstract and unique to me. Maybe because I always follow my teacher rule: sum it up in your conclusion. You conclusion does not follow my teacher rule, and I am not sure how to edit this :v. So hope somebody would help you then.

Good luck.
When will be your IELTS exam :) Just a random question, no need to answer lol :3

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins additional essay: Why JHU? - because of it fame and its industrious envrionment [3]

Thank you for your last comment. I have just revised my essay. Please take a look
Johns Hopkins University immediately impressed me with its high ranking in engineering. Being an international student, I find it hard to get a job or an internship in chemical engineering field without attending a prestigious institution. Therefore, I have always dreamed of studying at JHU, a school packed with industrious and innovative engineering students. I look forward to sharing my chemistry passion with science lovers in school as well as to preparing a comprehensive background for my future career in a renowned company as a chemical engineer. (89 words)

Undergraduate / Chemistry sparked my first friendship - Johns Hopkins University essay [6]

Hi vangiespen,
I have revised my essay with adding more my passion in chemistry and my dream to have share my passion with. However, I am worried about my word choice and my sentence structure. My other post in this title has been edited by my friends, who are very good writers. I could not contact them recently, so I am afraid that the strong structure of my essay is weakening. Do you have any suggestion to strengthening this essay more.

Writing Feedback / Coca Cola's sales numbers - Task 1 IELTs (pie) [2]

Your essay is very good for task 1 IELTS but I still have some comments following


I believe you can not say "purchase revenue". I suggest to replace purchases by accounts for.


For the second graph, you wrote a lot "from...to...," therefore, for this sentence I suggest you to write "...all of a sudden the price immensely rose to approximately 85 dollars in 1998."


In IELTS, compound nouns are very preferable. Therefore, I want to place a compound noun in the above sentence. "... until 2000, with an insignificant rise to 65 dollars in mid-2000"

Scholarship / Describe a failure in your life, and what you've done to fix it? [3]

Hi IHaile,
I am so sorry to say that your essay is quite messy. For this kind of prompt, I advised you to go directly into the event of your failure.


For your opening, at first, I thought that you may want to talk about your overconfidence or your characteristic of caring every detail. Maybe those characteristic has made you fail to accomplish something. However, after this opening you started talking about your vulnerable state in your Spanish class, which made me so confused. May I ask what are trying to say in your opening :(?


You talk about how the rapping in your Spanish class became your motivation but how? How is that your motivation? Is that because you feel rewarding after the presentation? Or is that because you feel so ashamed of rapping too bad in Spanish class? And then you talked about working on speech skills. How did you do that? I see you went to teacher for advice. What is the advice? What else you have done to make friends?

Also, because the question asks for your failure so describe more your failure to show them that it is a truly horrified failure in your life. And how you overcome that. :)

Hope this help

Undergraduate / Chemistry sparked my first friendship - Johns Hopkins University essay [6]

Hi vangiespen,
I have revised my essay as what you advised. Do you mind giving it a look? Thanks

Writing Feedback / ielts: Are we becoming more independent ? [6]

Hi, you have asked for rating your essay, so I may give it a 5.5-6.5, depending on the grader. This is because the structure of your essay is very clear, which is a good sign because IELTS essay need to be short and simple. However, in my opinion, there is one phrase is irrelevant


why are you mentioning respect for elders, respect and dependence are two distinct concepts.
One more thing I want to say is be careful with tense :)


I recommend to write: "humans would never give up seeking for others advice

Undergraduate / Despite the wide selection of universities, my choice was The American University in Cairo. [3]

Hi omarsamahy,
May you give me the prompt of your essay? It look like the prompt of your essay is a short essay so your should focus on your idea as much as possible.

For example,


As you may know, this is what your school already know. AUC should have known that they are renowned with good faculties and facilities. You do not need to tell them again. Everyone wants to attend a prestigious university because of the school's honored degree. In other world, this paragraph does not really tell me what is your personality. I can feel that you want to focus on studying, which is good thing. I suggest that you can do more research on this school and see what facilities or opportunities will give you the most advantage as a business student. Or is there any article from some professor at that school that you are interested in. Is there any special funding for business student at that school, etc?


How interesting business is? Why do you like it? You like doing presentation. You like imaging yourself as a CEO, etc. What exactly make your fall in love with business? You need to describe more or your essay will look alike other essays, and you do not want that happen right :)?


This one is a little lengthy. I have not came up with a way to edit this but if you can give it a try, I will take a look at this again :).


Do not say almost impossible, because it sounds very negative.
Good luck
Ngoc Nguyen

Graduate / Why I Choose Georgia Tech to study chemical Engineering essay [12]

Hi vangiespen,
Thank your for always being there to help me with this essay. You asked me to provide an insight of how Georgia Tech is beneficial to my major. I bring up the comparison because only up to now, only Georgia Tech has its promise to give women equal opportunities to succeed in engineering, which is what I really hope for. I want a fair ground for me to develop as a chemical engineer because I did experience discrimination in my community college while doing lab in physics. That's why, nothing else can attract me more than compromises in women's succeed. What do you think about my reason? :), if it is not strong enough, I am willing to change the topic of my essay. Here is my new version of this essay:

Georgia Tech attracts me for its programs called Women in Engineering, which are designed to support and encourage female engineering students. Like many women applying for this major, I am looking forward to competing with men on the same ground to show them women;s potential in engineering. Many schools gain impressive reputation in providing the best facilities for research, but Georgia Tech is also prominent for its promise to foster an inspiring environment for women to strive for recognition of the world as professional engineers. Therefore, I have long cherished for a chance to attend this prestigious institution, and prove the world that women are a vital aspect of engineering. I may start by only reviewing lecture and carrying labs carefully, but my curiosity and strenuous persistence will surely lead me to discovering a new useful chemical reaction and put it into practice. With the support form WIE program, I am confident that I can gain recognition in this male-dominated field.

[...]

Writing Feedback / English usage is increasing day by day, therefore various local languages are becoming extinct IELTS [2]

I have read both of your essays and this one has been improved a lot.


become can not be used for V-ing, so you changed it into are being driven to the edge of extinction.


not "decrease," it should be "decreases."


how the culture will change, you should give one illustration of this


not "olden day," it should be "golden
Your conclusion, in my opinion, is not as good as the last one. It is because I was interested in your idea that the government should take action in preserving its local language, while promoting the global language English. However, the new conclusion is much clearer than the last one. So you may omit your idea of government is just fine.

Hope this help

Graduate / Why I Choose Georgia Tech to study chemical Engineering essay [12]

Hi,
I am sorry that I have not replied until this late. May anyone help me with this essay again?

Graduate / Why I Choose Georgia Tech to study chemical Engineering essay [12]

Hi Sakifarhan,
Thank you for your reply. I am sorry I have not read your reply before rewrite my essay. I will read the links you send me immediately; meanwhile, I hope you would take a look at my new essay. In this essay, it is completely distinct from the last one because when I am doing more researches make my essay stronger, I found it it interesting to bring up the ranking in women in engineering of this university. As a woman study chemical engineering, I experienced quite a little discrimination from my male classmates so the ranking attracts me.

I hope you can give me some advice on this essay. Besides this essay is my first draft, so it is not as overflowery as the last one, just as what you two advised me to do. However, I do not know how to end the essay. Usually I end essay just because I have to so it is fast and curtly. Hope you will help

Why are you interested in attending Georgia Tech in your selected program of study? What do you hope to contribute to our community?
Please limit your essay to 1000 characters, which includes spaces and punctuation.
Surfing through websites and ads, Georgia Tech attracts me for its ranking first in women in engineering. Like many women applying for engineering major, I want to have a fair ground to study and develop to be a chemical engineering.

[...]

Graduate / Why I Choose Georgia Tech to study chemical Engineering essay [12]

Thanks for your reply, I will rewrite my essay and re-post a new one as soon as possible. I hope that you would be able to give me advice again next time.

Graduate / Why I Choose Georgia Tech to study chemical Engineering essay [12]

HI vangiespen, I am trying to transfer to Georgia Tech and here it is its prompt.
Why are you interested in attending Georgia Tech in your selected program of study? What do you hope to contribute to our community?
(1000/1000 available.)
Please limit your essay to 1000 characters, which includes spaces and punctuation.