Posts by maximu5

maximu5

Jan 10, 2015

Scholarship / Scholarship essay: why I'm choosing APU for my further educational needs [4]

I think your 3rd reason should needs to be revised, as it just not blends and is too vague, for me , but well thats only my opinion :P , good luck. ^_^

maximu5

Jan 7, 2015

Undergraduate / Change started to take place in my life when my father had to close his lifelong business. [6]

If to be honest the story didnt impress me much at all, and of course its my solely my own opinion , but if the adcom had read this. First they would not understand what you meant by "you realized", because it is largely vague of what you understood from it. Of course thinking that life gave you a second chance is all good and shiny. But i didnt saw a person out of the ending of an essay,i saw a person that's just finished it in a hurry. If its not too late, Please review your ending paragraphs.

maximu5

Jan 6, 2015

Undergraduate / Omne Trium Perfectum. Create your own group of threes, and describe why and how they fit together. [4]

Here's the full one. Which i would say is still uncomplete. But well ,thats the very reason i am here , i guess :D. Looking for critics and advices

In face of board bedeckered in white and black, a dimension of 64 squares, my blood pumps the vessels that run through my head; as one cannot thee mate the other without check. I sweat! There is no luck here, nor a cruel fate (that awaits you); it's a place where even the blessings of a god can't save you from your end. I fell in love with it, from a look of it my thousandth time, a glorious army of white, on other the baneful one of black. I march my army through the chess board, my foe capitulates. I rejoice my game with a delight. After the game we scrutinize, every move, every check, every push, and every idea that could've been realized in course of the game, as my adversary try's to find an acute continuation of the game. I laugh, we laugh, enjoy the game.

Another game of black and white, but this time of keys! Vibrating to make the sounds of the keys reach an apogee, as one try's to replicate the music written on notes, dowsed in sweats of a day's long past composer and written somewhere in the dusty rooms of a hut. Performers then play, they play like it's their final showing, they play like it's the day before an end of the world. And as you feel the music, you feel that person's effort, you heed to the each and every note that he plays with a passion, he's not a copycat he's a musician, and as known of musician they never bound themselves to something without an imperative need. If only I were to say of what I had learned out of my journey into the world of music, thus I shall say that it is freedom.

Anime? Not only again, I hope it's not in black and white you might say. It's not, rest assured. If only anything it's vivid, it's sentimental as music, and cold as the logic of chess. But combined all the elements mentioned above, it's a passion? I would not say. It's another one of the worlds that I visit, when things don't go right. I go left, I come here. A world of ideals and principals, but not those of Don Quixote, a world full of fiction and mystery, intricate webs from which you build the strings to compose a theory of yours, but even so the authors manages to surprise you in the end. He tells his own tale, of warriors lived in the long past or our time in which we are so reluctant to give up on every second obstacle we meet, in cases even of the coming futures building guess's too late!

This is my trio, this is my tale. All three have in them the colors of dark and grey. For all has its own good sides and bad, I believe that it's only a person's perception, is what limits him from all the wonders that encompass us. And live our life's to its greatest extend.

maximu5

Jan 6, 2015

Letters / When I was born, my dad has founded his computer based company called ''Intuis Computers'' [4]

I would say the overall idea is good, but i there are grammatical errors and mistakes, i am currently unable to fix and and write them here at the moment. And you should also mind some words and replace them. Like the word "ambition" - fits with words like world conquest or to something of a similar scale, while you had written of only becoming a software engineer, you can't say that. And i wonder whether mentioning your schools is the best one there, hardly supports your essay or thesis, as it can backfire in some ways , undesired. The quality of an overall essay is , i would not bad, but you still need to review some words and expressions, and give a double check to the grammar

maximu5

Jan 5, 2015

Undergraduate / Omne Trium Perfectum. Create your own group of threes, and describe why and how they fit together. [4]

Writing at the moment please wait for it another 30 minutes. Thank you

maximu5

Jan 5, 2015

Undergraduate / Omne Trium Perfectum. Create your own group of threes, and describe why and how they fit together. [4]

Okay this is part of my Uchicago essays, any critique is welcome :D

Little pigs, french hens, a family of bears. Blind mice, musketeers, the Fates. Parts of an atom, laws of thought, a guideline for composition. Omne trium perfectum? Create your own group of threes, and describe why and how they fit together. - Inspired by Zilin Cui, an incoming student in the Class of 2018

My own omne trium perfectum would consist of Chess, Piano and an Anime. So lets start with chess, as my mind dwells in murky waters of thought.

[...]

maximu5

Jan 5, 2015

Undergraduate / Unique integration of a minority female, computer science, and psychology [15]

If you are still not over your word limit you could quote Einstein - "There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle." for the beginning part :D and Good luck on your essay

maximu5

Jan 3, 2015

Undergraduate / The old physics teacher and his life lesson... [2]

How should i proceed further... any ideas? Any grammatical corrections , critiques are welcome, even the harshest ones.

The Teacher's Room

From time to time I had met that old sturdy physics teacher at my high school. Whom one could easily distinquish simply by the look of his unbrushed hair, slowed down movements as though they are relative, and keen sense of a nerdy humour which he used to comment on every funny thing that he saw , as the time went flew by us, time didn't show mercy on this person as well.

On one of my occasions when I was in the teachers room, submitting my classmates reports and homework, he was playing a board-game - chess. One of my newly acquired passions at that time, so as soon as I finished my task, I approached the desk where the war game was being held, and asked for a duel from the old man to which replied : he will willingly accept, as soon as he checkmates his current opponent, I waited and after his opponent surrendered, we clashed on the board and after some typical "Italian game" and the exchange of pieces, the game was drawn, to which i did not settle at my heart. From then on, every now and then I visited the teacher's room just to get a chance to compare our mettle in the game of thrones and settle our latest encounters.

Sadly, as the years have passed I started to notice memory breakdowns in my partner, as he started not to recognize me, despite all the hard-fought battles that we fought in the past, during on one of our regular matches i have asked him whether he health is okay and if he got any illnesses lately. Surprisingly he seemed to know about his condition but alas he did not share with me with an exact clarifications about it. Surprisingly despite his illness,he still walked around the school with that happy faces of him, teaching the secrets of the world around us in number, to the students as usual.

(struggling with the final paragraph, as i cant really write concise of what he taught me through all this story....)

maximu5

Jan 3, 2015

Undergraduate / If I had one super power, it would be the ability to control time. Hotchkiss Essay [4]

Just an idea - would you like some restrictions on your superpowers? Like you can fast forward but you cant reverse the time or vice versa, as i think such an addition wont be a burden for your essay. Because unlimited use of the time manipulation, would probably mess up lots of things.

maximu5

Jan 3, 2015

Undergraduate / "There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk." CommonApp Transfer [5]

The overall writing quality is good, but the ideas seem a little bit off ,as they seem more about you, rather than what you hope to achieve. But i guess its fixable :D, Good luck my friend

maximu5

Jan 3, 2015

Scholarship / To get something - it always takes effort, sacrifice, and faith in God [4]

I grew from a family that gave priority to education, health andreligion .

Since my (early) childhood I have been taught (that in order to get something done, it always took an effort and sacrifice /as well as always being thankful to god)/or as well as being thankfull to god.

... Maybe? Just a suggestion, expect the one in red :P

maximu5

Jan 3, 2015

Undergraduate / Diligent, temperate, open-minded, scrupulous thinker, crossover of East and West. Short answers [2]

Hello people, looking out for your insights and opinions, any suggestions and ideas are welcome, as well as grammatical improvements or corrections.

Name your favorite books, authors, films, and/or artists. (50 word limit)
If I'll get to choose only my favorite ones then it would most probably be War and Peace, A Hero of Our time, The History of a Town, in case you are wondering , yes I do enjoy most of the Russian classic's as well as J.K.Rowling's - Harry Potter series.

What newspapers, magazines, and/or websites do you enjoy? (50 word limit)
NY Times, NHK podcast,The Economist, Foreign Policy, as well as Новости from the Первый Канал just to be able to hear the both sides of the international stories, when it comes to East vs West.

As of to be able to stay on track with newses that relate my hobby I regularly visit chess(dot)com, /1001-brilliant-checkmates/. And just out of my technological curiousity kickstarter(and its already 50 words) (possible alternate continuation - additionally i used to read lots of manga and comic books and i guess i still do, even though the time that i used to spent decreased, facebook, kickstarter just because from time to time you can look up to some great projects and get at least a partial understanding of the what could be awaiting us in the future.)

What is the most significant challenge that society faces today? (50 word limit)
Disparage between rich and poor
As well as in my country the Morality of a godless generation which came out of the/The problems that came out of uncontrolled transition from Socialism to Capitalism in the 1990's in the countries of ex-pro-soviet bloc.

How did you spend your last two summers? (50 word limit)
Summer of the 2013 - I have spent 3 weeks surviving in a wildlife camping, without the comforts of the civilization. Foraging, hunting , collecting edable fruits... Volunteering to clean the area around the Selbe river

Summer of the 2014 - participated in a Japanese language improving programme at my school finishing with honors, volunteered for the "Lets keep our city clean", "Clean enviroment - healthy lifestyle" programmes.

What were your favorite events (e.g., performances, exhibits, competitions, conferences, etc.) in recent years? (50 word limit)
Last year , there happened to be 2 such events, 1st one drawing against the ex-high schoolers chess world champion in the Nationals 2nd one winning against him.

Meeting the Nobel Prize winner in Physics - Toshihide Masukawa, getting to ask him all the different kind of questions and hear his answers.
And My friends "Eminem - Lose yourself" performance at the school event, which totally amazed all of the school's community that was there, allegedly the guy is quite an introvert, nobody expected that out of him. Some good memories sealed in my brain.

What historical moment or event do you wish you could have witnessed? (50 word limit)
Burials of Genghis Khan (Other ideas - Treaty of Versailles's/but thinking that since I am none of the persons that attended in signing there - bad idea, as well as any other treaty which is documented/, Battle of Vienna/the epic polish hussars biggest charge and win/, The battle of Ain Jalut /The battle in which Mongols were halted from advance on Egypt and north Africa by the mamluks/)

What five words best describe you?
Diligent, temperate, open-minded, scrupulous thinker, crossover of East and West.

maximu5

Jan 3, 2015

Undergraduate / Cooking for family - it means the world to me, I won't let that opportunity pass. [7]

Oh and the part "my family flirted dangerously with despair.", you know kind of gives an not really a happy feeling for the essay and i think you should change it in some ways or other, sorry if my advice is so ambiguous. :P Best of luck.

maximu5

Jan 1, 2015

Undergraduate / Rice University never crossed my mind at any point when I imagined myself in college [2]

Hello there, i am kind of not so good at writing but anyway i'll give you my first hand comments:
The first sentence - "I won't lie to you Rice University never crossed my mind at any point when I imagined myself in college."

Is kind of unclear, whether you are not going to lie to Rice university or you though of youself studying there... Repair the grammar/structure in it.

And as i think many other universities also offer the internship programmes for your degree, so you have to give a more detailed example , like exactly what had an effect on your decision, or just skip that part and replace it with something.

maximu5

Jan 1, 2015

Undergraduate / Few years passed with no significant improvement in the language of Mongolian. [2]

As the deadlines are approaching our essays, i would like some comments and critiques on my ca essay :D , thanks to everyone in advance

Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

The Lands of Mongolia

The year 2014 was marked with an improved use of linguistics for myself. For about nine years i have studied in a school where the language of instruction was russian. And i had no problems studying in it. The troubles had began when i have transferred from that school to a Mongolian school, either way i had found myself amidst sea of chaos and confusion, being born as a Mongolian i had thought or at least hoped that i would have no problem studying in Mongolian , yet it was not. For two years i had suffered, reading mongolian text books with no avail, spending days and nights reading them, doing exercises,doing the practice tests - literally grinding. After some time my grades have improved, but i still had a feeling of a big language barrier standing in front of me, which was for me justified by the language itself.

A year had passed , a two had passed. And on the third year, the year of my graduation i knew that i had pull it out no matter what , i have created a plan of a self-discipline for further grinds and preparation for all the tests that had waited me outside the school halls. Yet the wall that had stood strong still standed as strong as if it was an immovable object. But then a miracle happened, even though i did not pull out the trick of learning in Mongolian, I have pulled out the trick of "learning" itself. The problem solver was simple enough - I was an multilingual, so the books were supposed to be found in other languages too! I had started to look for text books in other languages, which to my surprise made the studying the subjects a ton easier and faster as the meanings flew into my head crystal clear, i felt myself like the great scientists and artists of rennasaince , discovering the great knowledges of the past.

With a newly equipped weapon of academic learning. I have started to breach all the sciences that were in my way. In a way i felt even like our national hero here in Mongolia - Genghis Khan. Leaving no city nor a land left without a conquest until he said on his deathbed : my grandchildren conquer the lands that i had did not, until there would be no other land without a Mongol rule.

(as i think here, the last paragraph ruins everything and i seriously need to re-write it, so kind of still working on it, dont be too harsh , but any suggestion is appriciated :P)

That being said my life had changed, after my small self-discovery of what i can accomplish with other languages, shattering my beliefs in absolute need of teachers for learning, the one and only monolingual way of explaining the sciences be it natural or social, that are biased with cultural prejudices, which are forced upon students , even though most of us get a bilingual curriculum since the primary school... Right before i had found my "conquerors sword", as i had found the importance of being flexible in the modern globalizing world (, as well the need for breaking of cultural barrier that separates all of the humanity)

Sincerely yours

Temuulen

A lone fighter from the distant lands of Mongolia...