Posts by Inastia47

Inastia47

Apr 6, 2016

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - The changes in the number of rental or sales of films (2002 - 2011) [3]

The chart illustrates the number of films rental and sales (VHS, DVD, Blu-ray formats) in a particular store from 2002 to 2011. Overall, it can be seen that DVD was dominated since 2004 until in the end of the period. However there was a changing from selling VHS format to sale Blu-ray format.

The number of DVD' sales become the highest between 2004 and 2011. It started at 45.000 in 2002 and it also started to dominate at 175,000 in 2004. It increased gradually in 2007 and it reached a peak of 215,000. It still dominated until the end of the period, although it fell gradually from 2007 to 2011 at around 180,000.

Rental and VHS format experienced a fall, while Blu-ray format saw a growth in the number of films. Rental started at 185,000 as the highest in the beginning of the period. But it decreased steadily at around 55,000 in 2011. VHS format just sold between 2002 and 2005, it showed a steady decrease from 85,000 to 10,000. Interestingly, there was a new format, Blu-ray, which stood at no more than 5,000 in 2007 and it grew to 15,000 in 2011.

Inastia47

Mar 27, 2016

Writing Feedback / Several things that become reason to attend tertiary education. [2]

Hi Mr. Yonathan,
I have read your essay. Let me give my opinion about your writing :)

The question :
People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, and increased knowledge).
Why do you think people attend college or university?(this question ask about what do you think, NOT about this statement is true or false)

Your introduction :
There are diverse reason that people have, such as getting new experience, enrich their knowledge or for better job opportunity, so then they tend to study in university. (this is good as your paraphrase from the question)

I would argue that this statement is true because university is an important part to make a better life.

Let me make an example :
People have numerous reasons to continue school to the university level such as to get new experience, to prepare their occupation and to enrich knowledge. I think students decide to go to college because university is important part for better future.

Thank you ^_^

Inastia47

Mar 24, 2016

Writing Feedback / The factors which affect population increment are good health care, promiscuity, government's role.. [2]

The continued rise in the world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time.
What are the causes of this continued rise?
Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

The population of human being growth increase every year, and it is included one of the problem which faced by communities in this era. The factors which affect population increment are good health care, promiscuity, government's role and the people believe. I disagree that the rising population in the world is the biggest humanity problem.

There is no doubt that there are several causes of the high number of population. Firstly, the number of medical profession and the equipment are increase rapidly. The proper health care will reduce the rate of human deaths, because people live longer than before. Secondly, the promiscuity especially does by many western people who do it before marriage. Promiscuity has impact on the raising level of baby birth. While the government has a role to limit the natality by family planning programmes, the communities' should obey the government.

The high number of population which continued to rise will lead to big problem, such as unemployment, poverty, high crime rate. It is not the biggest humanity problem. Because, the problems still can be finished by government and the society by the rule which has been made by government and the community has to obey with it. Besides that, the government has to provide jobs for unemployment.

To sum up, although the high number of population is included the problem for society, I believe that the biggest humanity problem is civil war, because it disobeys the human right. I suggest that the United Nations has to tackle this problem for making the peaceful of world.

Inastia47

Mar 24, 2016

Writing Feedback / Several changes in agricultural lands and buildings in Stokeford village from 1930 to 2010 [2]

The maps show the village of Stokeford in 1930 and in 2010.

The maps illustrate the changes in the village of Stokeford in 1930 and 2010. Overall, it can be seen that over eight-decade there were several changes in agricultural lands and buildings, but some buildings did not show any change. The village had become more crowded by residents in 2010.

First, the biggest change in this village during eighty-year period was the loss of farmland. There was a river Stoke which flows from northeast to southwest of the village, and the main road was in the middle. The farmland in southwest and the northeast of main road was replaced by houses and new branch roads. The shops which located next to the post office were demolished.

Other than that, there were developments of some buildings which had existed in eight decades ago. The large house had become larger and it was converted as a retirement home. The primary school was also undergoing renovation and expansion. Even though, post office and bridge had not changed over the period.

Inastia47

Mar 24, 2016

Writing Feedback / Stokeford village landscape's changes - much more houses had been built, overtook the farmland [3]

Hi miss Angga, I have read your good writing. Let me give my opinion about your writing.

... which scattered in the early ~~19s~~19th century.
In the year 1930, the houses only presented in the ~~northside~~middle(based on the maps in 1930) of the village, alongside the main road...
However, 80 years later almost all partS of the village which near main road had been altered to residential area.

Over this 80-year period (tense : past perfect), there ~~were~~had been some structures which had experienced alteration and some ~~were not~~had unchanged .

Primary school in the north west of that building also witnessed the(article issue) building expansion in the end of this period. There was also construction of some streets ~~forking~~which forked to the north and east from ...

Thank you

Inastia47

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / Functional shift of green large farmland and green area over the 8 decade period in Stokeford area [2]

Hi miss wiya, i have read your good writing. Let me give my opinion about your writing :)

The maps illustrate the changes onin(article issue) the village of Stokeford over ~~8 decades~~8-decade(it is period, so it can't be written "8 decades")~~beginning~~began(passive) in 1930.

In addition, a primary school in north east which was small in 80 years ago was constructed to become bigger.

~~The massive rise of population also ...~~
The rapid growth of population affected to the overthrow of two shops which stood up in 1930 , just beside the post office, ~~so that housing and a short new road could be built there~~and it was replaced by new road and houses .

Thank you

Inastia47

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / The most recognizable changes visible in Stokeford were farmland and roads during the period. [2]

Hi miss Tira, I have read your good writing. Let me give my opinion :)

The maps illustrate the changes ~~that~~which(better to use which than that) have been occurred in countryside of Stokeford over 8-decade period ~~beginning~~began in 1930 and ~~ending~~ended in 2010 (it should a passive sentence) .

Meanwhile, the(article issue) large house ~~that~~which was placed onin the east in 1930 was constructed asthe retirement home in 2010. Also, at the same time the houses were built in front of the retirement home and it ~~was~~ replaced an open area (must be active, because the open area was replaced by houses) .

Thank you

Inastia47

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / Uncontrolled population growth rate has been a contemporary issue in many countries in recent years. [4]

Hi miss Angga, I have read your good writing. Let me give my opinion about your writing :)

This problem usually ~~associated with~~connected tosocial belief and the government(two subjets) do not ~~pays~~pay enough attention.

This issue ~~actually is~~is actually easy to overcome if the government ~~provide~~provides free birth control and routine seminar to make people understand that the treatment is harmless.

It will be good if both society and the government work together more ~~seriously~~serious to overcome this problem.

Thank you

Inastia47

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - The diagram illustrates the process of heat loss and energy wasted in the house [3]

The diagram shows how heat is lost and energy wasted in a house because air getting into and out of the house.

The diagram illustrates the process of heat loss and energy wasted in the house which is due to the exit and entry of air flow. Overall, it can be seen that the air which flow from outside the house in the basement and the first floor leads to loss of heat. Whereas, the air out of the house through the attic where this condition causes energy waste.

Air from outside enters the house through some loopholes. In the basement, the air flows in through outdoor faucet, crawl space, dryer vent and also other vents. While, in the first floor, the air enters room from kitchen fan vent, electrical outlet, windows and door. This occurrence led to the loss of heat.

On the other hand, air which there is inside the house release upwards until it reach the attic and then out through some parts of rooftop. Recessed lights, attic hatch, bathroom fan vent, and plumbing stack vent stream the air out. This condition causes a leak of air.

Inastia47

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / The changes that have taken place at West Park Secondary School (IELTS TASK 1) [3]

Hi miss Nisa, I have read your good writing, let me give my opinion about your writing :)

The map illustrates the transformations that have occurred in the West Park Secondary School(don't forget to write important information such as your writing explain about the changing of school area) over 60-year period.

. . . while there was farmland in the south west Park of secondary school which had been ~~eliminated~~replaced/changed(the word "eliminate" is used to take something away because it is dirty, annoying or making problem) by sport field located beside playground.

I hope it will help you, thank you

Inastia47

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - The changes in the west side of Secondary School in 1950, 1980 and 2010 [2]

The diagram shows the changes that have taken place at West Park Secondary School since its contraction in 1950.

The map illustrates the changes which have developed in the west side of Secondary School in 1950, 1980 and 2010. Overall, it can be seen that in the school has occurred the expanding of infrastructure. However, houses and agricultural land was converted into a car parking area of school.

According to the map, from 1950 to 1980, there were two changes of school facilities. Houses which exist on the west side of the school have been changed into two parts, parking area in the west and science block in another land. Then, farmland which located next to playground has been converted into sports field.

There have also been changes between 1980 and 2010. The car park experienced a widening of the area, but the sport field and playground experienced a constriction. The sport field was changed into one third of playground area, and it was placed in the most western of playground area. On the other hand, the former of sport field area was used to extend the car park area.

Inastia47

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / The changes which have occurred in West Park Secondary School, [2]

Hi miss Nida, I have read your good writing, but, let me give my opinion about your writing :)

The maps illustrate the changes which have occurred in West Park Secondary School, over 6-decade period ~~beginning in 1950 and ending in 2010~~began in 1950 and ended in 2010(it happened in the past) . A significant change is the replacement farmland and houses with car park,~~and~~ science block and sport field over 60 years (there is also sport field which doesn't exist in 1950) .

It was redesigned to be a car ~~pak~~park and science block in 1980 and 2010.

There was a quite small sports field next to the play ground in 2010, while in 1950 there was no sports field (I think it will be better if you mention about sport field in 1980 which replaced the farmland) .

Thank you

Inastia47

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / The Alterations Occured on West Side of Junior High School [4]

Hi miss Tira, I have read your writing, let me give my opinion about your writing :)

The map illustrates the alterations that have occurred in west side of Junior High School during six decades period ~~beginning in 1950 and ending in 2010~~began in 1950 and ended in 2010(because it happened in the past) . The most noticeable change was the replacement of green areas with car park projects. ~~The residential also altered on the west side of school~~(it means that the house was moved into the west side of school, whereas the point is the house which in the west side of school was changed into car park)The residential on the west side of school also altered , where large car park stood out in place of the house.

Thank you

Inastia47

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - The Process of reusing the rainwater for household - diagram [2]

The diagram shows how rainwater is reused

The diagram presents the process to reuse the rainwater for household needs by several treatments. Overall, it can be seen that there are different way to provide utilization water in house. However, some steps drain the water to river.

The first process is collecting the rainwater in dam. Then, the collected water is streamed to water treatment plant which is processed to available to be consumed by human by passing pipe to the home. Furthermore, the rainwater which drops in the house roof can be stored by rainwater tank that directly connected to the house.

The water which has been used is collected in wastewater treatment plant. The water is processed by recycled water and it can be used for household again. But, the excess water (the water which can't be recycled) has to be streamed to the river. Other than that, the rainwater which flows into stormwater treatment have to be streamed t the river.

Inastia47

Mar 14, 2016

Writing Feedback / Negative Effect of Fast Food Domination [5]

Hallo Mr. Yonathan, I have read your essay.
Let me give my opinion about your writing :
Please correct me if I am wrong

Your Introduction :
Global fast foods have replaced traditional diets in some countries and it can influence both families and communities in negative way. I extremely believe that this developing is harmful for inhabitants who consume it.

My suggestion :
Global fast foods have replaced traditional diets in some countries and it can influence both families and communities in negative way. Although junk foods are quick to be served and suitable for busy worker(use this sentence to support your first paragraph) , I extremely believe that this developing is harmful for inhabitants who consume it. I suggest to the government for organizing this problem by regulation about fast food quality control.(you can mention suggestion in introduction)

Inastia47

Mar 14, 2016

Writing Feedback / People do not have to bother to cook complex meals because of their unhealthy fast foods [3]

Hallo Miss Nida,
I have read your good essay, let me give suggestion for your essay.
Please correct me If I am wrong.

The question is : In many countries, traditional foods are being replaced by international fast foods. This is having a negative effect on both families and societies.

In your essay explain about :
first body : the positive effect of international fast food
second body : the negative effect of international fast food on families and societies.
conclusion : you agree that fast food cause negative effect for families and societies.

I suggest you to explain more about negative effects on families and societies in different paragraph. It make your opinion (agreement) become stronger.

Let me give you example :
On families, you can explain about : effect in families health (obesity may cause descendant health) and families communication frequency (misunderstanding)
On societies, your essay "Moreover, international fast food can replace the local cuisine, which is the identity of region. It can damage the cultural values of the nation." need supporting statement how the traditional can be replaced by fast food.

for example :
Moreover, international fast food can replace the local cuisine. Because fast foods are quicker to be processed, people also get good facilities and services. Sooner or later, communities will be unfamiliar with traditional foods and forget the cooking method. It eliminates culture value in societies.

Thank you ^_^

Inastia47

Mar 14, 2016

Writing Feedback / Task 2 - Children Get More Pressure in This Era [2]

Today's children are living under more pressure from the society than in the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

In this modern era, competition among children is getting tougher. So, the kids' life is not as enjoyable as in the past to satisfy their parents' desire. I really believe that they get more stress than children in the previous generation, and there is suggestion to make comfortable situation for them.

This is no doubt that parents more enforce their children in order to reach the good future. They decide the children future based on their experience and society condition. Get a good score in school become a measurement, so student have to learn as much as possible every day. Besides academic achievement, join extracurricular and some courses is done by kids to improve soft skill also enrich the capability. These all parents do without asking their children, they don't know what the kids really want to do, it makes they can't enjoy their childhood. It was different with people in previous era which the competition is not as tight as now.

Although parents pressure their children, it is all they do because they want the best of the kids. Parents think that study is much better than do online activities such as social media and games. They don't want to their child access the bad sites or becoming a game addict. So, parent trying to keep their kids away from danger possibility by extending their child's positive activity. It is also to prepare children for global competition in future.

To sum up, although parents pressure their children for the child goodness, I totally agree that kids today's get more enforcement from their parents. Impose the parents desire is bad for children, so parent have to care about their children enthusiasm to maximize their ability which can support their future.