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Posts by Lunazimnavi11
Name: Ivan Mizanul
Joined: Apr 15, 2016
Last Post: Apr 17, 2016
Threads: 4
Posts: 6  
Likes: 1
From: Indonesia
School: Sebelas Maret University

Displayed posts: 10
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Lunazimnavi11   
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1: The alteration of Headly Village a small village near Fonton - in over nine decades period [3]

The alteration of Headly Village, a small village near Fonton, over than nine decades is illustrated in the map. Overall, Headly Village has developed into suburb as it merged together with Fonton. The area and infrastructure have also increased over the time period showed in several new facilities.

In 1925, Headly was totally separated from neighbour area, Fonton, without any road or railway connecting them. While Fonton had a railway that run through from the north, Headly only had a small road from west and north.

Over five decades, there was a marked development in Headly. The small road have improved into a main road and built new main road to connect to Fonton from west to east. Housing estate in the west part of Headly, local shop which was located opposite the housing estate and leisure center in the north east part of Headly were constructed.

Recently, Headly Village has been changed into suburb. Both Headly and Fonton are completely linked with the previous main road and extra railway and station which is located far east of Headly. To the north of the station, there is a hotel and new business park has been set up at just south of the station. The local shop also has been turned into a supermarket.




Lunazimnavi11   
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / University or college is the key for us to get a good job - great environment to learn soft skills [4]

Hi Whatever,

I have some suggestions based on your essay. Here we go:

1. Introduction

It is commonly believed that attending a university or college ...

In this day and age, a numerous number of people considers that higher education is beneficial. For me, It will seem that university or college is the place to develop ideas and skills.

2. Ideas

teamwork skills, leadership skills, communication skills

I consider that you should provide more detail in your examples. This one I made to give you an example.
Teamwork and communication skills can be obtained when student join in student association, furthermore the ability to lead people can improve if the student becomes a chairman or having an important position in their association.

Regards.

Luna.
Lunazimnavi11   
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Is the happiness of people life depend on their job or others factors? [3]

Hi writer, I saw in your essay, several words about subject and verb agreement that already have been corrected by others.

Moreover, misspelling words still occured.
- sociali sm
- under take (it should be undertake )
- liaese (liaise)
- neigbou rhood

I made my own conclusion to make variation of your idea. I hope it can help you.

To sum up, job is not the only way to measure people's happiness. Although job is beneficial, I more likely believe that a perfect harmony in family and friends could make people joyful.

Thank you.
Lunazimnavi11   
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1: The manufacturing process for making paper [2]

The manufacturing process for making paper that is separated into two types is depicted in the diagram. Overall, it can be seen that papermaking can be made from trees with four-stages process and recycled from paper with six-stages process.

First, pine timber from plantation is taken and made into thinning. Afterwards, the thin piece of pine enters the next process to remove the bark called de-barking in a drum. After the thin piece of pine timber is free from the hard cover, it is made into smaller pieces using a chipper. Once smaller pieces are already created, those pieces move to the following process to thermo mechanical refiner to be formed into smallest pieces of pine timber. The last stage to create a piece of paper is paper making machine that is used to roll those pieces into a sheet of paper.

Second, recycling process from paper to paper is started after paper is used as a newspaper, for instance. After being read, the newspaper is collected in kerbside collection. Next, they are churned and being de-inking to remove ink from the paper. The last two processes before become a clear paper again is cleaning and fine screening to eliminate impurities on it. After cleaning process, next stage is thermo mechanical and recycled pulp mix which is used to mix the pulp. Finally, the pulp product can be rolled to make new paper again.




Lunazimnavi11   
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The internet has become a need people, do you agree? [7]

Hi Wiwik.
I have some suggestion to your essay, here they are:

The internet areis usefull for people's lives. The inventinginvention of the internet make people change in their life.

I made my own introduction, I hope that it can help me to improve myself and you.
The Internet is one of the most beneficial invention in late 20 century. This creation changed people's life in some sectors. Personally, I believe that Internet brings variations to be better in human's life.

Please check your subject and verb agreement, word misspellings also.
- covert ly
- more easy easier
- sump
- the internet havehas

Thank you.
Lunazimnavi11   
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1: The comparison of five favourite sports between two age groups of school aged boys [4]

Hello Maya,

As a learner, I attempted to analyse your essay and I found some confusing sentence.

The remained three categories showed a small fall at about 10% from kid to teenager students.

Basketball, rugby and swimming are the rest of the sports that chlildren play. Regarding the table, only basketball showed a 10 per cent decrease, while rugby only felt 2 per cent and swimming remained constant.

Here is my suggestion:
Other sport categories were drop slightly with basketball 35 per cent for 6-11 and 25 per cent 12-16, rugby 23 per cent for 6-11 and 21 per cent for 12-16 and swimming the same percentage for both of group ages.
Lunazimnavi11   
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1: Four categories of films which were screened in the United Kingdom and Australia in 2001 [3]

Four categories of films which were screened in the United Kingdom and Australia in 2001 is depicted in the bar chart and, cinema admissions in the United Kingdom and Australia from 1976 to 2006 is portrayed in the line graph. Overall, US films dominated in both the UK and Australia, whereas two other types of films were more popular in the UK and another in Australia. It can also be seen that cinema admissions in UK experienced a dramatic fluctuation than in Australia during 3 decades.

During 2001, US films showed as the highest films that were screened in both of the countries with nearly four-fifth and roughly seven in ten, respectively. British and Australian films presented just above 20 and 10 per cent in the UK, while Australia was only less than 5 per cent. In others category, Australia was screened nearly two-fifth, whereas in the UK not more than one in twenty.

Moving to figure of cinema admissions in the UK and Australia, the admissions in the UK in 1976 stood at just above 100 million, then fluctuated reaching fewer than 60 million in 1984. Finally, the next 2 decades witnessed a slight variation and reached just under 160 million in 2006. However, Australia only saw a modest alternation in the number of cinema admissions over 3 decades, began at roughly 30 million, and in 2006, approached almost two and half times than the beginning.




Lunazimnavi11   
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Offences that are commited using a computer are more and more common this days.. [4]

Hello tugyts,

I red your essay and found several misspelling words, also about the punctuation.
- against
- helpfull
- guarantee
- livesaving = life-saving / lifesaving

Furthermore, i try to make an introduction to the first paragraph.
The rapid development of technology, especially in the communication sector, is likely a coin with two sides. The Internet can be accessed by majority of people that can cause cybercrime in several ways. Explaining the crimes on internet and the prevention of the cybercrimes will be elaborated in this essay.

Thank you, I hope it can help you.
Lunazimnavi11   
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The recorded and forcasted population data and percentage of people aged above 75 years [4]

Hei Hengki. I will give a suggestion to paraphrase:

The number of total population and percentage of people ...

The statistics of population and percentage of people aged above 75 years (the older) based on total population in UK from 2015 to 2070 is figured in the table.

Turning to the prediction data , the highest rate is predicted at ...

In the beginning of the body paragraph, I think it is not suit to use the transitions.
In 2070, total population will reach 82 million while the number and percentage of the older will be predicted at 11-12 million and 13,41 to 14,63 per cent.
Lunazimnavi11   
Apr 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1: The percentage of seven leisure activities; needlework not as popular as watching TV/DVDs [2]

The percentage of seven leisure activities which have been asked to three categories of age group is depicted in the table. Overall, it can be seen that watching TV/DVDs, social gathering and listening to music showed the highest leisure activities among all of the age group except 60-69 generation in listening to music. Other activities placed moderate position in all of the age categories, while gardening and dressmaking were less popular in 16-19 generation.

Firstly, the same percentage of watching TV/DVDs displayed roughly a hundred percent among 16-19, 25-29 and 60-69 age groups. Similar pattern to watching, social gathering (visiting, entertaining friends and relations) experienced the second popular activity with 98 per cent for both 16-19 and 25-29 and 95 per cent for 60-69 peer group. Young generation showed listening to music (above nine in ten) as the dominant activity as well, while the old age only presented nearly two-third.

Subsequently, reading books presented a equal percentage among all of the age group with virtually two-third. However, few activities displayed quite differences such DIY activity that was popular (50%) in 25-29 age group, while 16-19 and 60-69 age group only 25% and 38%. Gardening illustrated a dominant activity for only 60-69 peer group with just over six in ten, whereas 16-19 and 25-29 were only a quarter and above a half of the percentage of 60-69 peer group, respectively. Needlework showed less popular activity with 9, 14 and 27 per cent for 16-19, 25-29 and 60-69 generations, respectively.




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