Undergraduate / 'One In A Million' Northwestern Supplement : unique qualities of Northwestern...? [2]

Nafisa, your response sounds more like a travelogue than a well thought analysis of why you chose to apply for admission to Northwestern. There is no sense of academic connection nor social interest in what the school has to offer. For example, you state that the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science is the best place for you to learn and yet, you did not explain why you felt that is so. What is it about the academics of this department that appealed to you? What made their university stand out, academically in your eyes when there are other schools with better known programs in this field of study?

Additionally, you do not make a social connection with Northwestern as a place for your emotional and social development. The description that you gave regarding the school using renewable energy and simply mentioning an interest to socialize with your classmates is not enough of a reason for the reviewer to believe that you will do well as a student at the university. There is a lack of dedicated vision towards becoming a student, applying yourself while at the university, and embodying the beliefs of a Northwestern alumna in your response.

The best way to address the problem with your response is to look deeper into the reasons behind your desire to attend the university. Look into the curriculum, training programs, and social offerings that may appeal to your interest in the university and discuss it in the essay. There is absolutely no need to fall back on a discussion about your high school days because those days will not be applicable to your future life as a college student at this university. Everything changes once you step outside your comfort zone and into the new world of college.

Undergraduate / Invictus- How 14 Words Changed Me (UVa supplement) [3]

Maddi, the essay's first half can use more of the backstory regarding your character before you read those 14 words from Invictus. It is important that the reviewer fully understand the reason as to why those 14 words would have unsettled and challenged you to action for your personal betterment. I know, there is a limited word count for your essay so presenting the background can prove to be a challenge for you.

The best way that I can see to free up more word count so you can present a simple backstory is by lessening the description of the night that you found yourself reading the poem. Focus first on showing how your timidity and shyness posed a problem for you. Why it was a drawback to your development. Then explain that one night, as you were relaxing with a book of poetry, you came across the poem. Then present the 14 words and the epiphany that you had because of it.

Your essay need not be complex nor too detailed if the word count will not allow for it. Just present the basic facts and always be direct to the point. That way, you will get more important information presented in your written work.

Undergraduate / Challenging English - Learning this language became my goal [9]

Amrish, we are not talking about turning a weakness into a strength in this essay. You are being asked to portray how you handle problems that do not seem to have a solution instead. The obstacle part, is all about something that stood in the way of your success. That may be the English language, as you portrayed here. However, you have to show a hindrance that it created for you before you can discuss the steps that you took to overcome the obstacle. Were you failing in school because you could not speak English? Why was this an obstacle that you had to overcome? It seems to me that this was not a real obstacle because the school was helping you learn English through your lessons there.

What you really need to portray is an essay that shows an obstacle that tested your strength of character or resolve to find solutions to a problem. Something that made you rely on yourself and your problem solving ability in order to overcome the block that stood in your way. As a potential college student, the reviewer needs to know that you will be able to handle extreme pressure, as most college students undergo while studying. Along with the extreme pressure comes the need for proper problem solving abilities like analysis, hypothetical problem solving, and actual problem solving. I do not really get a sense of these problem solving abilities in the story you narrated so I do not believe that this is the correct response to be presenting for the reviewer's consideration.

Undergraduate / Embarrassing situation in the Exam Hall because of fear. 'A lesson from failure' essay [12]

You can start by telling about the preparations you made on exam day. You don't need to talk about the way you studied and the crying children and things like that. Just tell the reader that you were taking a scholarship exam because your parents could not afford to send you to school. Then from there, talk about the exam itself and how you failed it. You don't need to talk about the fact that you soiled yourself during the test. That is irrelevant and not part of the reason why you failed the exam. Just discuss that you failed the test, how you felt because you failed, and how you prepared to take the next test for a scholarship at a different school. Then talk about passing the test and the lessons that you learned from everything that you went through in order to win the scholarship. That should be enough to help you develop a more relevant response to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Education a distant dream for girl child [6]

Prasoon, your essay suffers tremendously from paragraph separation problems. Please work on dividing the essay into topic paragraphs by placing spaces in between topic discussions. That will make it easier for everyone, not just the reviewer, to read. Now, on to the other problems of your essay.

You are spending too much time creating the background of the idea that you decided to challenge. Shorten that to immediately present the challenge by the end of your first paragraph. Then discuss how you successfully challenged the ideology regarding female education in your country.

There is no need for you to present so many examples for your discussion. Just choose the person who best represents the typical female from your country and how her lack of education has been a major drawback for her. Then immediately proceed to explain why you decided to challenge that mindset based upon the experience of your friend. Then maybe, you can talk about how it is different for you because you are educated.

In closing, you should reflect upon your decision to challenge the normal mindset of the people in your country regarding the education of women. Before you close the essay, reflect on your decision and explain why, you would either make the same decision, or change your decision, when presented with the same situation in the future. These are the important but missing aspects that need to be represented in your essay.

The current essay needs more work before it even begins to respond to the prompt. Please note the problems of the essay and lacking information and address the necessary requirements as best as you can. I'll be happy to help you work on the essay until it becomes ready to submit. You will need to be patient though. It might take some time before this essay is anywhere near ready for final editing.

Graduate / Machine learning SOP for graduate admission - field change from VLSI [7]

Not bad for a revised opening statement. It works because you offer a complete overview of the motivation, purpose, and goals that relate to your desire for higher academic learning. I do not feel that anything needs to be edited, revised, or deleted from the current opening statement. It should work well with the rest of your essay since the only problem that your first essay had was the missing purpose. You more than adequately represented it this time around.

If I were to critique one thing about this essay, it is the mention of the university along with the purpose statement. The mention of the university and how the institution can help you achieve your dreams should not be part of this summary opening discussion. The university and its relevance to your dreams, goals, and ambitions normally find representation towards the end of the essay where it better ties in with your summarized academic achievements and professional experience. Other than that, the opening statement is great the way it is.

Scholarship / I would like to receive this scholarship to ease the financial burden for my parents [6]

Thanh, before I proceed with advising you regarding how to best present this essay, can you please tell me if you are supposed to really present the information in question and answer format instead of an essay format? Either way, your responses to the prompts are too long. I wonder, do you have a word count requirement for this essay? If you do, then the format you are using to respond to the prompt is automatically wrong. You need to provide us with the name of the student exchange program that you are applying to as well. Each exchange student program has differing requirements for their applicants so the name of the program is necessary for the proper assessment of your responses.

By the way, you should really look into merging your discussions because the essay is running way too long for a scholarship application. Are we still talking about the scholarship application in this case? The content of your responses do not sound like they are necessary in a scholarship application. If this is not for the scholarship, please open a new thread and repost this essay there. You are violating the one topic per thread ruling of the forum by posting a new topic in an old thread. Sorry about that.

Undergraduate / Education a distant dream for girl child [6]

Prasoon, are you writing this essay for a college application or for an English writing class? Regardless of the purpose for the written work, I have to point out that there is a sense of confusion in your writing. Who should the essay focus on? You or your friends? More importantly, what is the actual focus of the essay discussion? There are so many questions with regards to your essay that I cannot even begin to try to advice you regarding any changes that might improve it. That is because I have no idea where this essay is actually headed. Do us all a favor and post the instructions that you were given for the drafting of this essay. Maybe we can better sort out what has to happen with this work if we knew what it is exactly that you are trying to do.

Aside from the major problem regarding the topic, your essay also suffers from grammatical inaccuracies. You have violated the rules relating to the use of capitalized letters in more ways than one in this essay. You have to review your work and correct the capitalization errors. That is the simplest part of your essay to revise. The rest of the essay cannot receive accurate advice from us until we know exactly what you are trying to do with it.

Undergraduate / From a plagiarized song to the song of the year - from a failure to the success [3]

Rohit, the essay asks about your failure so the slant of your presentation is wrong. The failure presented in the current version of your essay is two-fold. That of your failure and the failure of your group. That is an incorrect focus for the essay. You should only focus on your failure and the lessons learned should be one that is applicable to your development as a person. While you did present the latter in this essay, the problem, is that the essay shows you overcoming a personal and a group failure simultaneously. As such, the focus of the reviewer will be divided and he will not be able to properly assess your failure and the lessons that you took away from it so that you could be a future success.

Therefore, the essay you presented needs to be revised to only represent your failure and how you recovered from it. Leave the group angle out of the essay because that prevents you from properly developing your personal failure and recovery from that failure. It might be better if your choose a different failure to discuss. One that focuses on you alone instead of both you and the group. Keep the focus of the essay on you. This is not a group prompt discussion. It is a personal discussion and should be represented as such in your narrative.

Undergraduate / Embarrassing situation in the Exam Hall because of fear. 'A lesson from failure' essay [12]

Go ahead and present the incident in a funny way. When you write an essay, always think of ways to make it stand out from the others in the pack. That means, if you think that you can present the obstacle you have to overcome in a more memorable manner, then you should try to do that. So, if you want to present the event in a funny way, go ahead and do it. That might make it memorable for the reviewer. Use any chance you can get to show the reviewer a different aspect of your personality whenever you can. I like the idea of presenting the obstacle in a funny way. It will show the reviewer that you know how to laugh at yourself, even in the most trying of circumstances. I hope you can pull it off. I'll be here to lend you a helping had with further development if you need it. Don't hesitate to ask for her whenever you need it.

Undergraduate / Describing an Activity for University Admissions - Opinions Come Hither [5]

Normally, the 50 word statement is too short for you to include anyone else in the description. So, yes, it would be better to simply focus on your activity. You were already able to include the others in your description through the inspiration you provide. It is not necessary to explain how they were affected by your mentoring as far as I can tell. Now, if the prompt requirement asks you to describe how your activity affected others, then you are obligated to do exactly that. Represent them as well. From what I can tell though, you just need to describe your activity and what you did in it. So referring to the effect of the activity on others is not a necessary aspect of the response statement. Feel free to edit the suggested text from me though. I won't mind if you want to change some things so that you will be able to better represent your "voice" in the essay. Mine is only a suggestion of how to approach the response.

Graduate / SOP for doctoral computer science with concentration on machine learning and robotics [4]

Sam, for your brief history, start only with an overview of your college degree and then a summary of your masters degree. Specifically mention the scope of your thesis research (if any) and whether you have had your research published or not. The reviewer at this point is no longer interested in your high school accomplishments because, no matter how remarkable they may sound to you, those are merely amateur accomplishments that do not reflect the kind of professional that you have become based upon your college education and current work experience. That is why the focus of your academic background should only be on college and masters degree courses, along with any significant training or seminars attended as part of your continued advanced education pursuits.

For the sake of length and focus, please try to combine your information regarding your career interests and research pursuits. You need to only combine the most significant information that you can gather for this part. Make sure that the career interests represent the method by which you will be conducting your PhD research. That way the career focus helps to illustrate the importance of your research pursuits. By the way, consider the length of time that it will take you to complete your PhD. You may not have enough time to cover all of these research topics. Why don't you just focus on the one that you can complete within the allotted time for your PhD completion. That way you also shorten the presentation of your research interests and focus on the most impressive topic for your project.

Now about your format. The statement of purpose is normally written in an essay form. Not an outline like a resume that you have at the moment. Please make sure that you are using the correct format for your paper because, even though the outline might make it easier for you to present your information, it might take up too much time on the part of the reviewer to read the salient parts of your application in this format. He may not have enough time to finish sorting through your narrative in order to get to the answers that he needs. So it would be best to work on shortening your content and just presenting the information in essay format. I am sure the SOP has a word count requirement of some sort so that will help you in assessing the proper length and content coverage of your essay.

Undergraduate / In your opinion, what are the five characteristics of a successful person? Supplementary essay. [8]

You could do that Sushant. However, if you are submitting the essay to the same university, you cannot use the same traits for the successful person essay. There is this unspoken rule that you should not duplicate the content in different prompts because it shows a lack of analysis and a less than serious point of view coming from you regarding your application. So think about using the characteristics in a different prompt seriously.

If you use the traits in a "dream" essay, do you have enough other traits to use for the characteristics essay? If you will be submitting the essays to different schools then the duplication of content will not matter. However, if you are submitting to the same school, you might have a problem developing a new essay for the characteristics side. That is, unless you do not plan to respond to that prompt anymore? In which case, go ahead and use the traits in the dream essay because you won't be using it for the successful essay anymore.

I am sorry. Did I confuse you? Do you understand what I am trying to explain to you?

Undergraduate / There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve. It is the fear of failure. [2]

Rohit, kindly provide the full prompt requirement as a reference for the editing of your essay. It is too long and doesn't really focus on a singular topic at this point. It is important that the focus of the essay become known so that the essay can be edited not only for length, but for proper content as well.

As of now, the essay needs to find a clear direction. What is the central topic for discussion and how are you being expected to approach it? This is something that we cannot help you with until we know the proper instructions that you were given. The essay needs to either focus on the meaning of failure or the failure that you learned a lesson from. I am a bit unclear as to which approach would be proper for your essay due to the lack of instructions.

You need not tell the story in such a detailed flashback. It just needs to be accurate and to the point. The reviewer doesn't have the time to try and sort out your essay for content. All we have to do, is make sure that you provide the most important information to the reviewer in the quickest possible manner. Please post the instructions as soon as you can so you can be given more proper guidance and relevant advice for the improvement of this essay.

Undergraduate / Embarrassing situation in the Exam Hall because of fear. 'A lesson from failure' essay [12]

I am not sure about how the information about the test that you took. It was a test that you took at a very young age so I am not sure if the reviewer will be impressed by that information. However, I will try to give you an example of how to open the essay using that topic. Here is my sample:

When I was 10 years old, my father told me that we could no longer afford my education. I would have to stop going to school because we needed the money he was earning for more important needs such as paying our rent and buying our food. I refused to accept that reasoning from my father. At that age, all I could think about was that all my friends would be going to school and I would not be joining them anymore. So, I decided to pursue some solutions to my school problem. I learned of a scholarship exam being given by (name of scholarship foundation). I decided that I would try to pass their test so that I could continue my schooling. My parents helped me prepare as best as we could for the test. Then exam day came...

That is only an example of how you can start your essay. You can use it as an example for your revised essay if you wish to. What is important is that you tell your story properly and accurately. Try to write the essay. Don't be afraid, we will all be here to help you make sure that the essay will be properly written for the prompt.

Undergraduate / "Sorry son I can't afford your higher education" - Common App Essay on transition to adulthood [2]

Rudra, you are supposed to be discussing an event that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood. That is not what is reflected in this essay. You were a mere 10 year old who won a scholarship to go to school. That is not a transition story. The transition story would have been if you were 15 and had to work in order to pay for your education. That is not the case here. At the age of 10, you won a scholarship. So someone else was in charge of paying for your fees and someone else still had responsibility for you because you were still a child. There is absolutely no transition story to be told in the current presentation that you have.

You must think of a more recent incident wherein you were given either more trust to perform a sacred duty in your community or given more responsibility for yourself by having your parents or other elders trusting you to make some big and serious decisions for yourself. This essay is all about showing a sense of maturity and responsibility either for yourself or for other people. It is about showing the reviewer that you are capable of making serious decisions that can have a significant effect on other people. This is all about telling the reviewer that, as per your parents and other elders view of you as a person, you are now ready for more responsibility in your life and that you can handle it properly.

Some of the stories that you can share here would be the first time you traveled alone, getting a driver's license, moving to your own apartment, getting your first job and helping with your family finances, or other similarly themed stories. You can look at the examples of how the other students responded to this prompt at this forum if you are lost as to how to start your essay or what story to tell. I look forward to reading your revised essay. I hope it is more aligned to the prompt requirements by that time.

Undergraduate / I want to pursue Mathematics. The reasons for my inclination are many more than what I can express.. [3]

Amrish, the reason for your desire to pursue a Math major should go beyond the sense of "I love Math" or "I love numbers". You need to have a solid plan for your future that indicates a need for a Math major in your future. Explain why Math is of vital importance to your future plans as a professional. Where do you see your love of Math taking you after you graduate with this degree? Do you plan on taking up more studies in the field? What are your career oriented reasons for wishing to complete the course?

I do not see any forward thinking application for your desire to complete this degree, which is what the reviewer will be searching for in reference to your response. Try to think of your future in this field and then develop a response that talks about how you see yourself using this degree in the future. That will be the best way to justify or provide reasons for your chosen major.

Undergraduate / Embarrassing situation in the Exam Hall because of fear. 'A lesson from failure' essay [12]

Himanshu, the way I see it, you should not reserve the information about your failure in that exam for the very end. As you can see, I did not even notice that you mentioned that you failed the exam because you placed it so low in the essay discussion. In the eyes of the reviewer, he may not also get that far in reading your essay response because you did not present the failure early enough in the essay. So, this is what you will have to do in order to correct the essay.

You should write a new essay that focuses on (1) telling the reviewer that you failed that test. Then (2) explain why you think you failed in that test and how you felt after the failure. After that (3) explain to the reviewer how you prepared for the next test that you took, for the school where you really wanted to study. In the end (4), you should show the reviewer that you passed the test because you learned from your previous mistakes.

As an optional part of the essay response (5) you can tell the reviewer that because you have experienced both failure and success, you are confident that you can face the challenges that college will present to you as a student in a country where you will probably have some failures because you will be a new student in a new world, with unexpected obstacles coming your way as a foreign student.

I hope my explanations and instructions are clear to you. Please don't hesitate to ask me any questions if you need clarification about anything I have instructed you to do. I am here to help you.

Undergraduate / Embarrassing situation in the Exam Hall because of fear. 'A lesson from failure' essay [12]

Himanshu, you have a tendency to tell long winded stories that do not really relate to the prompt that you are trying to respond to. Now, I am unsure as to the prompt that you are actually answering with this essay so please provide a copy of the prompt as soon as possible. However, I am sure that the essay that you wrote should be cut down, not only for length, but in order to create a proper response to the essay as well. There is no real failure to speak of in this essay because you actually passed the test that you took, despite the accident that you had during the exam. You seem to have confused the accident for an obstacle that you had to overcome. That is not the case. This was an unfortunate accident, but not an obstacle that prevented you from succeeding in your test.

What the reviewer is looking for here is a story that has a definite explanation of the failure involved and then, the explanation about how you succeeded despite the obstacle that was before you. For example, if you failed a national test and found yourself prevented from enrolling in school because of it, what did you do to overcome the result of that failure? The failure is the test and the obstacle is that you cannot enroll in school. Think of something that happened to you in a similar manner then share that story in this essay. That is the proper way to respond or develop a response to the prompt requirement.

I am looking forward to reading the actual prompt that you are responding to because the comments I have given are still general in coverage. I might have to adjust the advice depending upon the actual or additional requirements of the prompt.

Undergraduate / "I could have been the member of the same lot..." Personal Essay [6]

Amrish, it seems to me that the first 2 paragraphs of your essay are meant as more of an illustration of the caste system that exists in India and less about your background story. There is no need to go into such a detailed, descriptive narration of the class system in your country because the reviewer is not interested in that story.

In my opinion, the true strength of your essay lies in the 3rd paragraph which actually focuses on your background, family, sense of identity, and interests. Therefore, removing the first 2 paragraphs, which currently split the focus on your essay discussion, will only serve to create a better and stronger topic for discussion that the reviewer can consider as part of your application.

Concentrate on your background, don't involve the Indian caste and social system in the discussion. They are not relevant to the prompt. In fact, that information is not even required by the reviewer. So omitting that information will be the best way to edit and focus your essay response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Computers are ever-changing. I want to develop software that can make people's life easier. [7]

Himanshu, while I admire your previous experience with computers and your desire to share that with the reviewer, it is important that you present a more current motivation for your desire to study and major in Computer Science. Look to build your essay upon a summarized foundation of the background of your interest in computers. Your reasons should be clearly depicted in a manner that the reviewer will not only see your motivation for computer studies, but also you purpose for wishing to pursue this major. Consider your computer foundation.

Do you want to become a game software developer in the future? Then discuss your computer science major with an emphasis on game software development. If it is cyber security that you are interested in, then pursue that angle in relation to computer software development / computer science. Or are you interested in using Big Data for some specific purpose upon your graduation? Your motivations and reasons are as endless as the uses of computers and the fields of study that it branches out into.

Before you can actually write this essay, you first need to figure out what kind of computer scientist you want to be. That way you can discuss the proper reasons or motivations that you have for pursuing the computer science major.

Undergraduate / 7 Prime ministers changed after the end of monarchy on 23rd December 2007. [13]

I spotted a few capitalization errors that you should watch out for. Specifically, change the C in Country to lower case. Country should not be capitalized because it is not the first word in the sentence. Neither is it referring to a proper noun. So it should be written in lower case.

Overall, I think we have already done everything that we can with the essay. It is more coherent now and presents itself more cohesively than before. Your voice is clear in terms of stating the importance of the prompt to you and your choice of Cornell as your university of first choice. So, unless you can find something else to fix, edit, or add to the essay, I think you are all set to submit this now.

Undergraduate / 7 Prime ministers changed after the end of monarchy on 23rd December 2007. [13]

In the fourth paragraph, you can cut down on the length of the sentences. Just retain the following portions for relevance and importance in the essay:

Retain the mention of your A Level in high school economics. Retain the mention of "Stagflation" but remove the explanation of how it affected your country. Just reinforce the idea that you have a solid foundation in Economics thanks you your high school studies. Jump directly to the reference to being intrigued by the application of Economics in real life.

Create another paragraph for the reference to Politics. Retain all of the statements that you made in relation to the relevance of politics in governance and economics. Remove the reference to doing research that told you about Comparative Politics and Introduction to International Relations courses. Instead go directly to the talk about the the way that the Cornell Arts & Sciences program gives you the kind of learning environment and training that you need. I believe that these edits should be enough to bring your word count down to the proper level or lower than the maximum level while further enhancing the content of your discussion.

Undergraduate / In your opinion, what are the five characteristics of a successful person? Supplementary essay. [8]

Hi Sushant, I just wanted to let you know that I saw your message in the other thread about reviewing this essay for you. I did not realize that I had already presented a number of suggestions for you to apply in your revised essay. So I guess all that is left for me to do at this point is wait for your to revise the essay using my comments. I can review the new version as soon as you have posted it in this thread. I am actually looking forward to what you can come up with based upon my suggestions. Don't worry, I'll be here to assist you until we are sure that the essay is ready for submission. Remember, do not use the quotes, look to yourself for the inspiration regarding the characteristics of a successful person, and make sure that you create a personal connection within the essay discussion in order to make the revision work for your benefit.

Undergraduate / Admission Essay - 250 Words, Describe More About An Activity You Do [6]

In all honesty, I did not see the objective of your explanation within your statement. I reviewed the prompt that you posted along with the original statement and it did not have any reference to what you are trying to convey to the reviewer. However, if you feel that this is the approach that you wish to take for this statement, make sure that your goals are clear to the reviewer, who might have a different idea of the information that should be presented based upon the prompt requirements.

You should know that it is your intentions for the essay that should be clear here. I am only going to guide you as to how best to deal with the prompt. In such cases, like this one where you have a specific goal in mind, you should go ahead and use the discussion that you are comfortable presenting. The one that represents your voice the best is the one that should be presented to the reviewer. So in the end, it is your decision to make. Compare my suggestion to your goals for the essay and decide which one is best for you to follow.

Undergraduate / Describing an Activity for University Admissions - Opinions Come Hither [5]

Chris, I hope I can call you Chris since you feel like a friend to me already. I am going to show you how I would approach this within 50 words. By the way, does the description of the position count towards the 50 words? Here I go:

As President of the Toastmaster's Club, I indulged in my love for public speaking focusing on science, while pursuing my development as a mentor and leader in the club. I helped encourage other public speakers gain their confidence and speech crafting skills through our open speech activities and training seminars.

Sometimes, the improvement of the statement relies on the proper placing of important descriptions and knowing how to blend the important facts into sentences that can combine other information as well for a shorter, but more informative presentation. I hope my suggestion helps you out.

Undergraduate / I gradually felt a big part missing from me. [9]

AvR, what you have here is a summary of the events that happened to you. In essence, you are telling the reviewer about 2 obstacles that you had to overcome in life instead of just focusing on one obstacle. Due to the number of obstacles you have decided to present, you failed to properly develop both problems in a manner that would accurately show a an obstacle to your path, the method by which you overcame it, and the lesson that you learned from it. So you have to decide between the two topics. Which one do you feel has the best chance of showing the challenge you overcame? That should be the story that you should tell. If you feel that you wish to relate both stories because they are interconnected, then one of the two stories needs to be presented as a summary so that the obstacle focus can be on the stronger story. I believe that the summary should be the grades slipping and the focus of the essay should be on how you felt empty but afraid to take on additional activity because of the previous failure. Then show the reviewer how you slowly learned to balance academics with extra curricular activities successfully. Right now, your story has potential but requires more build up. It doesn't have a proper closure to the implied stories at the moment.

Undergraduate / Since a very young age, I have learned to be independent and make decisions on my own [4]

Priyanka, when you speak of your background, it is best if you do not relate a story that took place before you even started formal schooling. It is important that your background shows a side of you that the reviewer can use to decide the kind of person that your upbringing has resulted in. However, boarding school at the age of 5 and your experience, during a time when you were too young to understand anything or be influenced by your surroundings is not the way to go with this essay. If you can change the age to something more relevant, the essay would work better. Speak of your academic background at the age of 12 or 15, those ages would work better because that would better help to explain the other aspects of your application essay responses. The age of 5 is not an age that the reviewer takes seriously in the sense of the lessons you may have learned or who you were at the time. We need a background story that will tie in better with your already existing responses. Do you think you can do that? It doesn't even have to be a background story, you could go with an identity realization story, or an interest in something that is not academic, or even a talent. Something that presents a part of your personality that doesn't add to your academic side. Think of your extra curricular hobbies, interests, and other non-academic related pursuits. That will best reflect a response to this essay.

Undergraduate / Living in Dubai, I wasn't a part of a tight-knit community like I was when living in Los Angeles [2]

Hashem, is there a chance that you can provide us with the complete prompt that you were given? I am familiar with this prompt requirement and it does not simply ask you to describe the world you come from. There are some additional considerations that come after that. Owing to the length of your essay and the amount of places that you have lived, I am wondering if you have not misrepresented the prompt requirements due to some misunderstanding of the requirements. I would like to know why you are discussing so many places where you have lived with an almost generic feel to it. The sentiments that you share could have been narrated by any student writing this essay. We need to find out the actual focus of the prompt so that you can make your essay "pop" on the screen. It needs to have some portion that will provide uniqueness and recall for the reviewer. If I find out what the prompt is, maybe I can help you pick out the part that can do that for you in this essay. I look forward to reading the complete prompt soon.

Undergraduate / UMich short response, describe a community. "I am the boat." [2]

Quin, you can actually delete more than 8 words by better presenting your second paragraph. There are many redundancies that can be removed by rephrasing the sentence or combining sentences into one. Let me revise the paragraph for your below:

Our unparalleled team spirit grew as we ergged, ran, and swam in the river together. Regardless of the weather, we pushed each other to perfection, with me acting as the lead cheerleader, pushing my boat-mates to their fullest potential. As we moved from sixth to third boat...

You are using too many technical terms in this essay that makes it difficult for the reader to understand. Not everyone is familiar with the sport of rowing or boating (?). Try to simplify your explanations for the lay person. Make sure that anybody who reads your essay, with or without the required background in the sport, will understand what you are trying to say so that he can understand by you "are the boat".

Scholarship / "I am a low-income student." - Statement of need for financial assistance [4]

Lin, are you implying in this statement that you are planning to stop working in your part time job so you can focus solely on your studies? Is that the reason why you are applying for this scholarship? Please keep in mind that your application will be more impressive if you reassure the committee that you will continue to work as many hours as possible while studying. The scholarship should only act as a support in order to fill in the financial gap that will be created by your cut back hours due to your concentration on your studies. Scholarship committees like to hear about students who work their way through college. Even as you have student loans to pay off and scholarships to help you, the fact that you are going to continue working in some capacity shows them that you are a self starter who will accept help from others but prefers to support himself whenever possible.

I noticed that you did not indicate your parents income in this statement. Are you already supplying their income forms as part of your application documents? If you are, then there is no need to become specific about their source of income in this essay. However, if you are not submitting their documents, then you need to further expand on the explanation as to why their income is not enough to help support you even as you work part time to help offset your educational costs.

Graduate / SOP for Data Science admission; 'to be a successful data scientist with my passion and aspiration' [2]

Fei, you need to better focus the content of your SOP in order to create a more chronological discussion for the reviewer. If you can map out your purpose in a logical order, the reviewer will tend to better connect your information and quite possibly, allow him to remember more important and highlight points of your statement.

Make sure that you state the purpose of your desire for higher study immediately. In your current version, this does not come in until almost the end of your essay. That is never the place where the the purpose should be positioned. That is always mentioned as early as possible within the essay. The first paragraph will be the best place to explain this.

In paragraph 2 you must explain what your current work position is and how it relates to your plans for your career future. This is the point where you should explain how you see big data becoming an integral part of future business and other fields. Segue this statement into a transition for your college background in the third paragraph.

The third paragraph should summarize your college education and any accolades or awards that you received during this time. All the information, including the awards should relate to your current career. If possible, transition into any additional training that you have received, including your most recent. Remember, explain how these are all relevant to your interest in big data and why it will help you become a better MS student in the field of Data Science.

Your fourth paragraph should give an overview of your immediate short term plans. Covering 5 years. Don't go too far into the long term because that will require even more additional study on your part which may no longer be included in the coverage of your MS course.

Finally, make sure to drive home the point as to why you have chosen this particular university and why no other university can help you achieve your course objectives. It may help if you have a clear path towards a potential research question regarding big data that you can pursue as a student at the university. If you can exemplify how you will utilize the university facilities or work with their professors to help you develop the response to your question, the university might consider your application more seriously than they would have without it. This advice only applies if you are enrolling in a thesis based masters degree. It is not required for non-thesis programs.

Undergraduate / Admission Essay - 250 Words, Describe More About An Activity You Do [6]

Hi Christopher. Let's get something clear, your essay is good. It is pretty solid in presenting information and does not hold back when it comes to sharing the excitement that you had when you were learning how to swim. Everything that you shared fits the requirements except for the portion about your goals. Your goal in taking on this training was not to become an active leader and student. The goal should be related to your professional life as an EMT and an employee of St. John Ambulance.

Basically, the need to learn to swim should have related to, perhaps, the rescue missions that you were called upon to do. For example, helping to save a drowning victim, or simply drown proofing yourself in the event that you would need to perform a rescue mission in a flooded city or state. Those are the goals that relate to your professional side. So what role did you play in this instance? You played the role of a student who is increasing his water scenario rescue abilities by learning how to swim under various scenarios. What did you learn? You learned how to execute various swimming movements in reference to either leisurely swimming or rescue swimming scenarios.

Letters / Counselor's Letter of Recommendation for MIT [8]

Hi Luis. This letter most certainly works to the benefit of your student. There are just a few more points for you to improve upon though. Here is a list of the portions that require your attention.

Par. 1 : Mention the full name of Antonio and his year level in your school at the start of the letter. This will formally reintroduce Antonio to the reviewer based upon his position and considerations as a student at your school.

Par. 2: When you say that Antonio is attending one of the most demanding high schools in your state, make sure to mention the high school name before you say "most demanding high school..." That is because the reviewer may not remember where Antonio is attending at the moment and he might want to double check his attendance there.

Par. 3: When you say he made the project a reality, you should clarify that the lab was built thanks to Antonio's leadership. Then expand upon the idea that Antonio is a born leader who knows how to delegate tasks responsibly in order to complete a project.

In your closing signature, you must sign your complete name and contact phone numbers or email address aside from your position at the school. This is because you are allowing the reviewer to contact you for further information, but you are not giving him any contact points in case he wishes to do that. The information is normally placed under your name and position in any formal recommendation letter.

Graduate / Machine learning SOP for graduate admission - field change from VLSI [7]

It isn't necessary to duplicate information that you have already provided in the previous essays Raghunath. It gets tedious for the reviewer when you constantly repeat information in your essay without offering new information in relation to it. Normally, the publication is used to strengthen your claims of being at the professional level of someone who can benefit from graduate school studies. You might wish to consider strengthening your essay by mentioning the publication information in this essay instead of the in the other essay that you wrote. Only you can judge where the information can be best used so I will let you go with your gut feeling with this one.

Double check your essays for repeated information. Make sure that the reviewer will not end up with reader fatigue due to repeated information. It won't be good for your application to have duplicated information in the final consideration stage. Always try to present additional new information with each prompt you respond to.

Undergraduate / Essay for Undergraduate Admission Application: "A Break Up to Remember" [6]

James, I am unclear about how your relationship with your girlfriend works with the rest of the story. It seemed like such an integral part of your narration at the start, but then fell to the wayside as the essay progressed. I am not sure about how the breakup thoughts led to an epiphany that you should take charge of your life. Was this because you wished to show your girlfriend that you could do more? Did she expect something from you in the relationship that you did not deliver but could deliver if only you pursued these avenues long before she decided to break up with you? The point is this. If the break-up is the focal point of the essay, then it should serve a purpose in the succeeding paragraphs of the essay. It should be that reason in the back of your mind that had you saying "I have to prove this to her." or something like that. Without it, there is no reason for you to mention the break up as you could have come to that conclusion regarding needing to perform in your life using some other manner.

Undergraduate / Northwestern's global presence and its inner niches... What aspects of Northwestern appeal most to m [5]

Angeli, have you already given some information regarding how you will receive a well rounded education at Northwestern using the academic and social offerings of the university? I feel like there is a lack of balance in your discussion because it is more than 90% concentrated on your academic interests. The other side of your studies, your social development seems to have been neglected in terms of representation of your non academic interests and goals. A well balanced education seeks to develop a well rounded personality in the student. This means, that while you may be focused on getting into NEURON, you also know when to step back and relax. Give your brain a rest and allow yourself to just let lose and enjoy your time as a college student.

In my opinion, your social interests also relate to some goals that you have because the way you socialize helps you network for your future career. So you should also have a goal when thinking of your social life and the kinds of organizations, clubs, or volunteer activities that you will be participating in. My advice is this, try to create a 50-50 balance between academic and social representation in this response essay. Show the reviewer that you know how to balance education and social freedoms for the betterment of your future career.

Graduate / Machine learning SOP for graduate admission - field change from VLSI [7]

Raghunath, your essay displays more of the motivation behind your desire to take masters classes. It does not represent the purpose you have for higher learning. Do not confuse your motivation with your purpose. These terms are often confused for one another and thus, create a motivation essay instead of a purpose essay.

In order to better reflect your purpose, you must go one step further with your opening statement. Declare the purpose for your higher studies based upon the motivation that you have discovered. That means, you have to tell the reviewer clearly, that you are changing career paths because of a number of reasons. Thus, you create a motivation, a purpose, and a reason for all of the 3 to exist as the foundation for your desire to change careers.

Try to summarize your undergraduate studies because the focus of the reviewer will be less on your academic and more on the practical / work experience aspect of your interests. Speaking of which, you are claiming to be a published author in notable journals. The reviewer will require the name of the journal, the topic of your article, and the publication date. He will definitely want to read that information for himself because it might help him in considering your application data more seriously than the others. You can skip over the activities that you participated in if it is part of your undergraduate experience. The focus of your experience and leadership or other activities needs to be on more professional accomplishments.

You don't really need to present the extra curricular activities at this moment in your essay. It is not relevant to the reason why you wish to switch careers so it just removes the attention from the fact that you need to prove that you have a future in this new career that you have chosen for yourself.

Undergraduate / Admission Essay - 250 Words, Describe More About An Activity You Do [6]

Christopher, when you discuss swimming in terms of what you learned in the process, please do not forget to represent how swimming relates to your chosen career. That is, if you feel that this activity is relevant to your chosen major or, if it will highlight a skill or talent that will help you excel in your chosen field. I would not refer to YouTube as part of the learning that emanated from your participation in the sport. Keep it solely experience related. After all, YT does not qualify as part of the learning process since it did not have you swimming in physical form to learn those lessons. Don't say you expected to lead. Instead, say you led, in reference to the First Aid scenarios. These are already activities that you have completed so using the past tense is pivotal to your discussion. You should also qualify why learning how to swim is crucial to the learning process that you have in store for you in relation to your chosen major. That will help make the activity more relevant to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / 'the program uniqueness and location of UBC'. Your Opinion on my UBC Admissions Question Response [6]

Christopher, it would be nice if you could offer a simple explanation regarding your learning style in line with the teaching method of the university. This will help to better align your academic interests with the academic styling of the university. I would opt to read more of that explanation than the reference to St. John Ambulance. The reason that I say this is because the ambulance service is part of the community service that you look forward to participating in while a student at UBC. It doesn't really help to explain why you want to study this particular course at this university. Concentrate on UBC and the academic connection you can make with the university. Don't muddle the discussion by presenting non-related topics. The current version of the essay is almost totally acceptable. You just need to make a few adjustments in order to make it ready to use.