Undergraduate / "been there for my friends" - Transfer essay [5]

Prompt #2:

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Current: 483 words - Goal: 450

Tears trailed down her pale, sunken cheeks as I listened to her recount the feuds with her mother and step-father, the involving physical fights, wounding words, and unforgivable actions. Once the silence surfaced, I wanted to reassure her with the same advice that I had given the week before; I wanted to tell her that things will be okay, and hearten her with some life-changing guidance. Yet sometimes, the only thing I could do was give her a place to stay, and simply listen. Throughout my life, serious predicaments have never found its way to my path. At fifteen, my greatest problems were measuring the point of contact between my tennis racket and ball, and solving Sudoku puzzles. I was blessed with a loving family, and their support provided me with a sheltered life. Perhaps the freedom between my heart and mind made it hard for me to understand why she succumbed to emotions so easily. Perplexed, I proceeded to listen. I only knew that I was her friend, and she needed my help.

The day my parents divorced, my life veered drastically. The hatred and lack of trust tore my parents apart. The home that held our bond was sold. My father moved out of the country, and my four sisters and I went our separate ways. Resentment kept us apart. Everything that my life revolved around disappeared. I often broke down from emotional ambivalence and unanswered questions. Memories of a barred, bliss ruptured the scars on my heart. In the midst of my sadness, recollections of my conversation with Jane flickered into my mind. "It's not the end of the world. I mean, this is an opportunity for you to be independent... If it's only going to bring you down, don't let it affect you..." Now, my advice sounded cliché, too simple for a life-changing matter to comprehend. Nonetheless, I saw how Jane surrendered to her emotions then, and at seventeen, I could not afford to act senselessly and ruin my future. Hence, unpaid bills meant I needed a job and personal problems were of irrelevance to my academic and professional life. It was until my parent's divorce, a turning point in my life, that I realized how much listening really helped me in return. By listening, I discovered various points of views and ideas; it broadened my insight, and promised me hope.

As a listener, < I saw the impact, I hear that, I felt, I learned>. Looking back, I am proud of my ability to hold myself together through any emotional, financial, or personal issues. Life may throw blocking boulders on my path, but it will never be enough to break my dreams. If I must stray to find another road, I will be prepared for any challenges. I know I will be fine, because along the way I have yet new people to meet and stories to hear.

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< I have always been there for my friends and have helped them through their problems that range from drugs and harsh break-ups to family problems, etc. I have learned a lot from their experience, and it has really broadened my view, and prepared me for my own problems.

At the end, however I sound like a selfish user who listens to people only to benefit from them. How can I reword the phrase to avoid presenting myself that way?

Are my ideas okay? This is a rough draft- Be as harsh as you wish

Undergraduate / Intended major : Public Health <Applying to Berkeley & UCI> [6]

** I have only written the body paragraphs, because I have trouble with an attention grabbing intro and a conclusion... Please be as harsh as possible. I feel like this essay needs a lot of work. I hope to get into Berkeley's school of public health, and want to meet their high standards. Thank you!

What is your intended major? Describe how interest developed through experience.

It was the beginning of my senior year when I was introduced to the concerns of public health. California's senate bill No. 12 regarding school's nutritional standards came into effect, and the food sold in the student store became limited to healthy foods and beverages. I recalled watching students cringe while extending their tongues filled with ruddy pieces of tasteless baked chips, and throwing the leftovers into a trash can. It was no surprise that the sales in the student store fell drastically during the bill's overture. My leadership advisor discussed to our class about the growing concerns of obesity in California, and the significance of the bill in guiding our school to a healthier lifestyle. Our task was to research about the health benefits of the store's products, and present it to our assigned classes during weekly room around presentations. We made sure the athletes know that the low calorie G2 drink has the same amount of electrolytes as the high calorie Gatorade, studious students know the benefit of Planter's peanuts on mental processes, and young food critics know that Quaker's Mini Delights aren't named so tastefully without a reason. Although the store's revenue never returned to its peak, I am delighted to acknowledge that several individuals have welcomed healthy snacks into their diet. Living in a health-illiterate society, even those who worry about their well being would not be able to make the right decisions. My involvement in ASB's efforts to promote health has introduced me to the fine impact of health education. I learned that knowledge is fundamental to providing society with understanding and access to proper utilization of information and services to make the right decision to achieve great health for the body and mind.

As a budding public health advocate, my interest led me to seek further field experience. The day after my high school graduation, I began my first job at a full service radiology center. Every working day, I witnessed patients with different medical cases. A female with a family history of breast cancer performs her annual mammogram, a biker with femur pains receives x-rays, and an elder with throbbing headaches receives a MRI of the head. Regardless of the case, I was presented with another important aspect of public health: the art of disease prevention. By concentrating efforts on prevention, the potential diseases, emotional stress, and cost of treatments will be greatly reduced. Imagine the impact this would have on the health of individuals, families, communities, and the world. Medical imaging and other techniques of disease prevention lead the world in the knowing of the present conditions that is essential for creating a greater change for the future.