Undergraduate / Common Application Essay #1/Skating [6]

Here I go again, preparing to hurl my body though the air. During the approach I hear nothing but blood pumping through my veins; there is a faint ache in my legs; I push through the discomfort, step forward, and breathe deep. Hold the edge and jump; feet tight, arms in, body still, foot down, and pull out strong. Success! I worked two years for this fleeting moment of accomplishment - seven seconds from start to finish - landing a double axel. Predawn practices before school, more practices after school, late night show practices, and competitions across the eastern seaboard.

^All of that should be in past tense.

All the hours spent training ultimately led to competitions, and from my first experience, I was hooked. The beautiful dress, the opportunity to perform a routine that I had spent months refining, and the thrill of winning a medal was an allure that a five year old couldn't resist. Competing became the reason to train and winning seemed to come easily for the first few years.(Daunting music swells)

^Hmm, dramatic effect ay?

Then came Hillsborough, NC. Sure, I had occasionally fallen during a competition program. However, that day I fell three times during a two and a half minute program, which felt like itas if it had for lasted two and a half hours.I was mortified. I found inner strength that I didn't think I possessed.

^Mortified. Then suddenly inner strength? The transition between these two opposite qualities is very sudden, and very ineffectively expressed.

I kept getting up, smiling at the judges, and continuingcontinued to skate until I reached the end of the program. From that experience I learned that there are two concurrent competitions; one against the other skaters, and the other against myself; I couldn't truly be beaten unless I allowed myself to give up. At that instant I understood how important it was to keep my composure even when things weren't going my way and that when you've been knocked down, you don't stay down. You push yourself to complete your goal, have pride in the job you've done and refuse to allow a low score to batter your confidence.

^Not really a big fan of the sudden shift in pronoun from 'I' to 'you.

"Are you going to the Olympics?...
So, here I go again: step forward, breathe deep, hold the edge and jump; feet tight, arms in, body still, foot down, and pull out strong. Sometimes no matter how perfect the jump is in the air, I fall, but of course I get up and try it once again. From skating I learned that with hard work, self-discipline, perseverance, and dedication I could do anything. More importantly, I learned to believe in myself, and my ability to be successful at anything I put my mind to.

*That paragraph I scratched and highlighted in red....Some parts of it is beautifully written. However, I do not see how it is relevant to your significant experience, or what you have learnt from your significant experience (You do not tie it in at all)

*In reference to your conclusion, did you learn that from you life of skating, or from that one experience in which you had fallen in front of the judges repeatedly?

Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]


I knew that. I thought the 'lawlz' made it clear.


I never said that the topic is not fine. I merely commented on the grand statements that have been made.

Graduate / What do you consider your most significant life achievement (travel to Pakistan) [4]


^I think that can be cut out.

I am not sure if there is a word limit, but there is a considerable lack of depth and development. As Simone said, there can be much more drama and color.

I personally think that there should be some expansion and more detail given to describe perhaps, the atmosphere and the general sentiments of the people there. Perhaps, you can describe how you motivated and what you did that allows you to consider yourself a 'leader'.

Your essay is just a bit basic, because it is just sentence after sentence with no expressed feeling. There is no life to this essay...

Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]


Yea. My suggestion may have been awkward because I was working on an already awkwardly expressed sentence.


It is not as much an analogy as it is just a quotation. It's usefulness is highly debatable. Also, inserting quotations in essays has become rather lame in my opinion.


^Yes, UM is not expecting this at all.
In my case? Actually I have met all of these ethnic groups and not just people from different parts of Asia. Unless, you were referring to tiantian lawlzz

Anyways, sentences like these really 'annoyed me':

'Now, no matter where I go, I always serve as a cultural ambassador that assimilates the essence of every civilization and combine them with my own background.'

^Just because tiantian has seen five other Asian countries, does that mean that she can go to Saudi Arabia, or Finland, and serve as a cultural ambassador? No.

I do agree with you that this experience can offer 'cultural maturity', but unlike you, I think most people do have it. You see Indian and Chinese people everywhere; they are ubiquitous ;). Tiantian has not said what the other four ethnic groups were, but I presume that these ethnic groups are also found in most of the countries abroad.

Like I said earlier, I fail to see how meeting with five other kids from five other Asian countries, and eating a dumpling with a bit of curry and an English drink (which is not even Asian, therefore is not a sample of any of those Asian kid's culture) allows tiantian to think that she is so multicultural. I just think her claims are a bit too bold. That is all.

Undergraduate / "what do you want to be when you grow up?" - UM-Flint Essay [18]


^You seem to be quite ignorant of the fact that the GPA you can maintain at high school does not necessarily require the same amount of hard work it does in college. It should require more. So in turn, there is no guarantee that you will be able to do all of these tasks simultaneously, or at least do as well in all of them as you have done now.

Also, how does small classes and devoted faculty help anyone reach one's full potential? These grand claims are far from impressive.

Undergraduate / "love the game of baseball" - Issue of importance [4]

Well, I agree that there is no rule as such. That is why I thought I should make it clear that I was making a suggestion.

It is my personal belief that in college essays, one should refrain from starting a sentence with 'but'. I believe those who can get away with starting a sentence with 'but', are those on an actual professional level. I think that as a college student, one should find a more sophisticated alternative. Then again, these are only my beliefs and it will be interesting to read what the Moderators have to say on the subject.


^It did not come off as particularly stylistic here.

Undergraduate / Why do you want to attend Pratt? (personal statement) [7]

Wow this is long and I only read your two paragraphs.

I think you go into waaaaaaaaaaay too much detail on how much you like, and have liked, art. Whilst this can be important in your essay, I doubt that the depth that you cover this in is remotely necessary.

The essay prompt is basically asking you why you want to attend Pratt. Y
Yes, I believe that you can prove how much you like art.
The more important thing to address however, is why you would like to study art at Pratt and how studying art there will be beneficial and helpful to you. What do you expect to learn from there, and how do you plan on benefiting from what the University has to offer.

Revise your essay first and post a concise version, removing all of the superfluous information. It will make the job of revision for people on this site easier.

Undergraduate / "Perseverance"- UF Application Essay [5]

This had never happened before and no one on the team had any idea of what to do, including me
^You already say that no one on the team. Readers can understand that this included you, therefore you do not have to state the obvious.

"5, 6, 7, 8", I shouted loudly enough for the music director to herehear so he could start the music again.


^Any difficult situation? Sounds a bit exaggerated to me.

I also understand now how to learn from my mistakes.
^What mistakes did you make in that performance? This seems to be a bit of a random point...

*I doubt you have to include the last paragraph, because the essay prompt requires 'a meaningful experience' etc.

*Basically, from what I can gather, you can say that how this experience has taught you how to work in a team under non foreseen circumstances, and how you can take charge of this team and motivate them to work and deliver...

If you do decide to go with the card I have just laid out for you, please, dont come off as pretentious. Say it modestly.

Good luck x

Undergraduate / Stanford's Secondary (medical) [4]

Earlier, I was never that great a fan of your essays.
This is definitely your strongest and is quite a good essay. Great job.


^I think you should say California based Universities

Good stuff man.

Undergraduate / Columbia Scholastic Press Association - UC Prompt #1 Essay [3]

I personally think you do not answer the question at all.

'Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.'

^Instead, you talk about your time on a rollercoaster ride and then tell us about your imaginative power, which I assume is quite over rated seeing the amount of thoughtful imagination that went into this essay.

You do not talk about how this world you come from has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Quite frankly, you do not answer the essay prompt in my opinion.

Revise.

Undergraduate / "what do you want to be when you grow up?" - UM-Flint Essay [18]


^Actually I am :P


^Alright, with the VERY FIRST LINE, I can see a bit of an oxymoron, although not a very clever one. How can something be prepared without thinking about it?

By acknowledging your own preparation, you are thinking about it. Perhaps you dont give any thought in your preparation, however that is not what you implied.

People would always sayask , "Michelle, what do you want to be when you grow up?" and the answer was always the same: a doctor. However, as I grew older and wiser I realized that maybe that wasn't the best career choice for me and began thinking about what I really wanted to do with my life.

-*Wiser?
-Should be 'was not'
-Do with my life? That suggests that your current life is in a state is in a mess.

That's when I stumbled upon pharmacy.
^A bit too convenient for an admissions essay.

I realized that I could still do something in the medical field without having to actually be a doctor. I truly believe that my academic potential, integrity, and work ethic will allow me to achieve this goal of mine at UM-Flint.

^The last three qualities are supposed to be defined in this essay. Just repeating the essay question does far from good.

Throughout my career at Birch Run High School I have maintained a 3.93 GPA and achieved a 28 on the ACT.
^Readers dont need to know this. This shows academic achievement, rather than your academic potential.

While doing this I have a part-time job as a sales associate at The North Face. On top of all that, I am a Varsity Cheerleader and a member of the National Honor Society.

^'On top of all that'? It suggests that you think that you have done so much, and MORE, and you really need to show it off..

I believe I have the potential to keep a high GPA throughout college and work towards getting accepted to a good pharmacy school. I believe that I can reach my fullest potential at UM-Flint because of its commitment to excellence and achievement.

^Well, maintaining a high GPA at college is not necessarily the same as having had a high GPA at high school. How does UM-Flint have such commitment by the way?

My personal integrity is top notch.
^Please.

I believe in always telling the truth, no matter how bad it is. I always try my hardest and never settle for cheating my way through something. The best example of my personal integrity is one day at work I found $100 laying on the floor. Instead of picking it up and keeping it, I set it up front for the rightful owner to claim. It would have been extremely easy for me to keep it and act like I never saw it, but my conscious would not let me.

^This definitely does not imply that your integrity is 'top notch'. Top notch is a bit too strong of a word and it seems you flattered yourself a bit too much.

When I start a project, I finish it. I do not settle for "almost done" or "second best" work. I always try my hardest at everything I do, even when the going gets tough.

^Example should be given.

Being a Varsity Cheerleader has helped me improve my work ethic. I realized that I may not always be the best person on the mat, but if I work hard enough I can improve and become the best.

^The best? Really?

After our first competition, we realized that many schools were out of our league and we felt as though we couldn't compete with them. However, our coach wouldn't let us give up and made us keep practicing even nobody wanted to.

^This is your coach that kept pushing you, not yourself. This completely contradicts your earlier sentence...

After many hours of pain, sweat, and even tears we went to Regionals and were able to compete with the best. We may not have won that day, or even advanced to States, but we did beat all our other scores and proved to ourselves that by never giving up improvement is possible.

Undergraduate / Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced [9]


I never said that you made a mistake. We members on this site dont give corrections, we give suggestions. In this case, I just rebuked your suggestions


^Thats fine. However if the general concept bores you, it is pretty much a given that your lack of interest in this subject will affect the quality of your suggestion.

*Joke: You could mention how you are 'a rock' in your admission essay. It provides a sense of character.

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]

*I can see people commented on your intro. Well
you quote your father with an exclamation mark, but then say that he 'uttered'.
The time it took as I watched my dad disappear into the closet to get the belt felt like the longest thing I had ever waited on in my entire life.

^It makes it sound as if this happened only one time, when in fact, your describing a 'ritual'.


^Well this is disputable. I think the purpose of the essay is to tell readers about an influential person, in which the reader can understand how the writer responds and understands an influence. So, to focus on 'YOU', in my opinion, is not completely necessary as long as the readers can understand how the writer gets influenced and the writer's perception of what influence is.

The writer hasnt fallen for any trick in my opinion. I have understood that the writer has come to appreciate his father's sense of judgement and how teh father conducts himself. The writer does say how he has been influenced in his last parts of his essay.


^This is true. The father did shape his life. Hence the reason, that the father has made an impact on his life, which therefore directly addresses the essay prompt.

I did not quite see it as unrelenting, seeing as how the writer has already admitted that he only gets beaten because he himself knows he did something wrong. If one acknowledges fault, then is it wrong to punish? Also, I think this lashing can be appealing to Admissions because it is quite unusal for an applicant to be so openly honest in an essay. I doubt that the Admissions Commitee will think 'Lashing? This boy got lashed? I dont like this essay'.


The writer does not give any background, so we as readers are left to assume.
I assume that this writer, did something dreadful to the point that even the writer knew he has wronged. (He admits that this only happens when he does something wrong.) The writer gives the impression that this happened on a basis, therefore giving off the impression that he has been a mischevious kid and that this he was in requirement of some discipline. I dont see how knocking some sense into this type of a kid is abuse. I think this is a fine topic to elaborate on, however I just dont think the writer gives enough to tell us how he has been influenced by his father.


^True. The context here is quite important. We are all assuming things here. What exactly is a 'wrong action'?


^Soz Simone, I said that you made an insensitive comment earlier. I cant find it in my post therefore cant delete it.

*I think your essay is fine however you dont give enough context, which leads to readers making assumptions. Readers can be led to believe that your father is some sadist, or that he is in fact hitting you for your own good. You need to clarify what your 'wrong actions' are so that we can understand your father's motives for hitting you. This is a controversial topic, however this may be controversy that catches the interest of the Admissions Committe I guess.

You talk about how your father has impacted your life, even though not that great in detail, but you dont really develop on why he is important to you. You should consider a stronger conclusion.

Alternatively, you can just post a new essay, because with a topic like lashing, reader's empathy, sensitivity, emotions, and subjective beliefs on lashing, will all influence their understanding of the essay and therefore may not work in your favor.

I think that even I may have strayed off a bit here lol.

Writing Feedback / Personal Essay - Travels; I have inherited my mother's wanderlust [4]

I love experiencing the magic and draw of various cultures, each with their own flavor and distinctions which seizes my inner soul and settles my heart.

^Cultures is plural.

I feel at home when I travel. Lucky for me, I was born into a military family; travel was mandatory.
Children of the military personnel endure unique challenges, and I am lucky enough to be one of them. It creates wisdom beyond the year, a knowing person inside. Traveling from place to place, meeting my dad at fascinating Naval ports throughout the world only to wave goodbye to him as he sailed away on his Navy carrier.

^This last sentence here needs to be revised. It should all be the in the past tense. Your use of present tense, makes readers expect something a bit more towards the end but this expectation is abruptly halted by the full stop?

This nomadic life has been both the best and worst experience of my life. Never staying in one place long enough, making friends became an art to be masteredmaster , as they would soon only be memories pasted into a photo album.each of them would eventually only become a memory pasted into a photo album

Living overseas, I was able to absorb the varieda variation of cultures - not just taste them .
*Since when has culture only been restricted to eating food?

By the age of twelve, I could hail a cab in London, catch a train in any country, order a meal in any language, and navigate any city/town due to my military upbringing and the real-life education it has afforded me.

^Can you order a meal in Malyalam or Suomi? That is impressive.

I can be summed up by Henry David Thoreau's famous quote- "I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.."

What others only observe in movies and books are realities and memories for me.
^Ive seen the movie Kite Runnier. It has a very disturbing rape scene, and so does the novel. I hope that this is not a reality or a memory for you.

From Italy to India and all those in between, each culture has brought adeveloped annew understanding and awareness of both the differences and similarities of eachvarious societies.

^Its a shame you say from Italy to India, seeing as how both countries begin with 'I'.

While I have experienced so many countries with diverse cultures in the world, I feel that I am not done yet.
Even though I have visited many different countries, each of which have different cultures, I still feel that I have more to see and learn.

Entering A&M, I look forward to new explorations and discoveries.
^Make a reference that these will be cultural.

I want to immerse myself into the University "sucking out all the marrow" it has to offer - from student organizations, intramural sports, time honored traditions, and the best quality of education available; I want to show my love for this diverse and varied world with the students and professors on campus.

^You dont really link any of this with the bulk of your essay, which is experiencing myriad cultures.

Undergraduate / Stanford "Intellectually engaging idea" Essay [6]


^It is not really an intellectually engaging idea. This is a thought.

Undergraduate / Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced [9]


^Well, I am in the second line of your introductory paragraph. Does the hardest challenge refer to your best friend's death, or the charity bike ride. I guess this can prompt interest, however it's lack of clarity does not necessarily mean it will work favorably. After having read your essay, I understood that it is your best friend's death. Make this clear.


^In my opinion, it is a perfectly fine introduction and did not need to be questioned like that. You get straight to the point, rather than bore us with a description of yourself that prepares us in advance to realize that this is going to be a 'look at me before, look how I have changed' type of essay which tends to be quite lame. This is your introduction here. By immediately presenting your readers with something as shocking as death, you can cling your reader's and therefore the Admissions Committee's interest. If you could actually revise your opening sentences to make them even more powerful, you should be able to engage your reader's interest much more effectively! Its fine as it is, but theres no reason to seek continual improvement if there is the opportunity to do so :)

Also
Simone pretty much expressed why this is a good way to start your essay.

In reference to somebody else's opinion on the introduction.


It is not dull at all because the writer here immediately goes straight to the point. Quite frankly, she is cutting out all of the unnnecessary stuff that most people would have done with this type of essay, which also includes describing a 'significant scene about Rachel'. Why on earth, would the writer want to do that in the opening paragraph. That pretty much sets up the readers to have the 'O dear, its going to be one of those I miss my friend so much and its going to teach me something' type of essays.

From what I can see, both of the comments are directed at going with a common type of approach. I commend Sarah for not having done this, because it makes this essay more original. Also, the introduction is perfectly f


^Actually she should. Since when did people have to be given a reason to care that someone who was close to someone has died. From the introduction alone, readers can easily empathize Sarah's situation. Just remember, when the Admissions Commitee are reading these essays, they are not looking to find faults and everything. They are looking to be impressed, to be captivated etc. (Naturally, obvious errors and unclarity will fail to do these things)

That being said, the Admissions Commitee are not robots. They too have emotions and have levels of sensitivity. When they read this essay, they will not think 'There is no reason to care. Therefore, we shall not care.'

I think that Sarah has started this essay very well. She gets straight to the point, so readers know what she is going to write about. They know from the start that this is going to be a sensitive and personal essay. All of this is done, by mentioning that this essay is about a friend's death in the opening lines.


^I fail to see how it is an empty statement at all. Sarah has said that she will never meet a person like Rachel again. That is deeply personal, and perhaps Sarah thinks that this is the case. Since when has one person been identical to another? So, 'maybe you will' is quite invalid here.

Sarah dear, I do suggest that you revise your essay in terms of grammar. It seems to be a fine essay in my opinion. Is there a word limit? Also, what is the essay question?

Fix the essay, and post a revised version here. Hopefully members of this site can work to making it stronger. However, we do need to see if the essay question and if you can tell us the word limit, we can see which parts can be omitted, what can be added etc.

x

Undergraduate / "how the brain and mind function" - Evaluate a significant experience, & impact. [8]

Its a great story.


^Perhaps, you can describe this moment since it is obviously one of your most meaningful ones.
Also, from here, it led me to ask, what is the significant experience?

Is it that moment, or having dealt with your mother's situation, or was it the:


Also, I do not quite see an evaluation as to how you have been impacted as such. I understand that these experiences have motivated you to wanting to study psychology, but I, even though I may be wrong, do not consider this impactful as much as I consider it motivational.

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]

True. I only did that because I was lazy to spell out the whole Uni name.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

Tikhai, sounds like a smart plan :)
x

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

^

Its asking you to talk about an experience. You talk about how you gained respect for social differences. Perhaps you can say that you no longer judge people by which social bracket they belong to.

I do not know, for I am not you

Undergraduate / 'idea of learning / isles of Trinidad and Tobago' - UCF Personal Statements [12]


^Yes I did, because you were not clear.

There really is not that much of a difference between the two.
The differences I noted was that in one, you make claims about some aspects of your personality even though you have not included anything to prove if you are that type of a person, and in the other essay, you discuss the carnival

Right now, its up to you to decide whichever one you think is stronger. In my opinion, both are equally weak.

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]


People dont sport cigarettes


^'Was'? Quite frankly, this seems more like your definition of the word, which is quite unecessary. People understand what the word 'homeless' means and what it is synonymous with.


Your grammar here is not the only strange part in this sentence. Since when has chicken casserole, baked beans and broccoli been considered exotic enough to even be served to the homeless?


^I am sorry, but I am not wearing a suit right now. Does that mean I will not seem normal to you?


^Read that again and spot the error.


^I understand the importance of food for any human in order to survive. But, do you really think that by just giving these people food, you are shaping their dreams and aspirations??


We all know this. But if you realize this and want to do this, what have you done to support this?


^You talk about social differences. Then all of a sudden, you mention 'your differences', which youd like to shine through. What are these 'differences'? Your social difference? The fact that you are more financially stable than a homeless person??

The last part does not tie up with what you have already written.

Undergraduate / I feel like an idiot writing this - Fashion Institue Essay [9]

Carter, I do not know if you are in the process of writing a new essay, or revising the one you have currently posted, but

'I believe that if you are so fortunate as to have a passion in your life that consumes you entirely, that's the first thing you think of when waking, the last thing you think of before falling asleep, and has a constant presence as you go about your day, then you should pursue whatever that passion may be at all costs. For me, that passion is photography.'

^Those first few lines can definitely go.

Undergraduate / 'idea of learning / isles of Trinidad and Tobago' - UCF Personal Statements [12]

I had made some points earlier, but I see that you failed to implement them. I am not saying you have to, but you did not even give a reason as to why you seemingly ignored my advice. (This is regards to your second post)

*I do not see why you posted two different essays, that aim to respond to one question.


^If youve already submitted your essays, what is the point of getting feedback on it now?

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]


^You should also develop your response so that it ties in with the essay question. You have been asked for your reasons as to why you want to leave your current college, as well as state what your academic goals are. You should take Sean's advice, and also discuss why you think that UConn is a better place for you to study at UConn rather than where you currently are, and possibly link this with your academic goals. Just saying 'pursuing a higher education' is not really saying much. You lack depth. Go deep.

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

^Hey Simone. When I said that, I was not making a statement based on my own opinion. I was making a statement, based on what I understood was tal105's point of view as a child. I am farely aware that the word 'black' is reserved for people of African descent. Tal105 earlier in her essay had said that when she was a child,she only saw people who were white or black. So in turn, I was commenting that this view really is a closed mind if she even saw Indians (as in from the subcontinent) and Chinese as black people. Although it may not look like it, lol, I was actually questioning this view.


^Would that not be more due to ethnicity rather than skin color?


^Well, the skin colors of 'brown' and 'yellow' are also used to describe people. I think this is more of a colloquial reference however. The point is, that people nowadays are not just 'black' or 'white', and I doubt that there ever was a time when people where categorized into only two skin colors. People can even be 'brown' or 'yellow', both of which are different colors with a different set of histories. The history of these ethnic groups is also partly responsible for the color of their respective pigmentation.

Undergraduate / Lesson learned from my ankle injury - 'nothing was missing from my experience' [8]

Well, I understand that breaking your ankle is a significant experience. But, what has it's impact been on you? From what I can see, your list of activities has gone down but now you are taking part in activities that you like. Perhaps, this has been impactful . You should be more clear in saying how this has impacted you in that case.

Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]

The author does not need to articulate why certain sections are ineffective. If the author can sense which parts are ineffective, these parts should be removed period. That is fixing it.

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]


Well thats the hard part Talia. You decided to go for a topic that if misunderstood, can be very controversial and work against your favor.


^I guess.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

lol


^UChicago does ask some of the hardest essay questions, and expect some of the best essay answers in return. Even though this is the standard 'Why us' essay prompt, UChicago will expect to read valid reasons as to why you would want to study at such an academically intensive University in a city in which the cold weather tends to restrict all outdoor activities, therefore encouraging more of it's students to just stay in their dorms and study.

UChicago is not meant for everyone to be honest. If you still are really intent on possibly studying there, well then, try and make it show in your essay. Whilst that is hard to do, just keep that in mind ;)

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]


^Ahh right, I thought that you considered Chinese black. Your means of categorizations were quite vague in the opening paragraph, so I did not know what to assume. You give off the impression that you only identified whites and blacks. I did not know how you would classify all the colors that are in between black and white, for example, Indians and Chinese. I thought since these races do not tend to be white as such, you would have thought they were black?

In regards to teaching you, it is no problem my young padawan. Thou arest learning the ways.


Ya, I probably did in your UChicago essay.

Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]


Ya I know what you mean. However, the poster already admits that this is a terrible essay. What I meant is that, more appropriate feedback can be given on a piece that the writer has made an effort to improve, rather than one which does not feature a decent amount of effort.

We may just be commenting on parts that the writer already knows is useless or ineffective, which is quite a waste of time for both the writer and us. Well, me at least.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

A born and bred New Yorker I have been exposed to great schools, people of all nationalities, and gradually safer streets. With such advantages, I thought I would not want to travel out of state for college since everything has already "came to me." My mind was changed when I discovered the University of Chicago.

^Hmmm, the born and bred New Yorker is good, but everything that follows is just so...ineffective.


^The link between great research programs and being a plastic surgeon is not quite strong to be honest.
the second sentence, remove it.
how is attending talent shows a sign of cultural diversity?
Hmm, your last line is kind of strange. Overall, this paragraph is in need of some grammar tuning and some sentences and points need to be removed.


^'like anyone else'? That needs to go. Or at least rephrased.


^UChicago is next to Hyde Park. Hyde Park has a reputation for being a hub of crime. So it does require a lot of police attention, however that does not necessarily imply it is safe.

late night escort service?? ;)
How is UChicago the total package? You have not given this impression at all throughout your essay, yet this is your concluding line?

This essay, needs revision talia. Sorry, but it really does.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


Well I was only born in 1991, so I doubt I am that old. Wiser, I may agree.


^Heres a saying for you, not word for word but at least how I remember it

'If you truly love something, set it free. If it loves you, it will return. If it does not, it never did'.

XD

Yea, I know what you mean actually. Sometimes, I am led to believe that something is just so perfect. Then, I learn that somebody else does not like it????!?!

WHAT?!?! ITS AMAZING!AHHH IM NOT REMOVING THIS! lol
But then again, what one may find appealing is based on that person's mindset. Something is truly appealing, if it appeals to more than just the creator.

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

When I was younger, about eight, I had a closed mind. I thought all lighter skinned people were white, and all darker skinned people were black.

^I guess this is a closed mind. All Asians, from Indians to Chinese, are black.

This "theory" of mine is why I thought my parents were exactly the same. I thought they were both only black (African-American); they had the same dark skin. Later however, my older sister made me see differently.

We were in a supermarket when she told me my dad was Hispanic. I told her "No he's not. He's black, he has dark skin." She laughed and told me that just because he looked a little different didn't mean she was wrong.

^But that does not mean she is right either. Rephrase it. My suggestion is
She laughed at my narrow minded view.
^That also ties in with your next sentence.

She explained to me thathis parents were Cuban immigrants and had Cuban ancestry [s my father is Cuban,which in return makes me half Cuban, half black. which therefore makes me half Cuban, half black

After my sister opened my mindhad introduced me to this idea of ethnicitiesthat ethnicity exists , I went to school and understood my friends a little bit more. I saw them differently, now knowing they came from diverse backgroundsand different countries and could not just be categorized as either black or white.

*Diverse is just such a broad word.

Now open minded, I asked questions about my friends' cultures; they were my teachers. Finally, I saw past just black and white.

I no longer have that childish view in which people can be categorized into two colors. Instead, I enjoy, and want to learn, more about my friend's cultures so that 'insert something meaninful here'

I hope you like my revisions.

Undergraduate / Paging Simone! What do addmission panels look for in essays? [7]


^Great to know that I can make you laugh Simone. People have suggested I do stand up.


^Yea, I hope I end up doing a good job on this. I really do :)

Undergraduate / Describe a setback. How you resolved it. How it effected you. [11]


^I have made it to the top of a mountain actually. Given my experience, I did not understand the echo simile.
I also do not get how hunger 'lingers'.
Why is the man's hand curved around a thin dark pen? Is he showing off how flexible his wrist is?
Your writing style is quite good actually. You have made some grammar mistakes here and there, but overall, your introduction is quite good.

Your second paragraph is also well written. This paragraph also has some grammar essays. With the ending however, I kind of understood how that one screwed up note was impactful. I did not need another two consecutive

reminders, adding to something I already understood.


^You had just mentioned nine years in your earlier paragraph. Then you suddenly say 'I sat' etc. When did this happen? When during those nine years did this moment take place?

There should be a comma after butchered.
How can you see a musical note by the way? I am sure that they are HEARD.


^Yea, this needs to be reworded. You are saying that piano was your hobby, but you never practiced playing it because you wanted to satisfy yourself. I am led to believe, that you did not play piano even though it was your hobby, because you were too busy masturbating.

*This is the second essay Ive read where a reference to masturbation can be interpreted.


^Well, if this is continuing on from the previous point, two words.
O dear.

I was prepared, for conquering this note was no longer my goal, neither was satisfying my piano instructor nor my judge. The goal was so unimaginably simplistic. I had nine years of piano experience, and now I was going to let it go to waste for one note? I eyed the man with the clipboard and pen. The frost had retreated from my fingers. They sprang into a lively movement. One of Chopin's most treasured pieces emerged from the keyboard. I became more confident with each note, right or wrong. I came to enjoy the music I had been producing for half my life. This confidence and pleasure would stay with me in my future activities as would my desire to fulfill others expectations be purged. (Reword)

^What is your goal that you ramble on about for two sentences?
Frost between your fingers? Was the air conditioning really powerful? Also, how does frost retreat, and spring into a lively movement?

Your essay is generally good but seeing as how you are a good writer, then this needs to be tweaked quite a lot. A lot.

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]


^Scott surprisingly announced that we were to make a chicken casserole, baked beans and steam broccoli.
I could not make a connection between this assortment of foods and the homeless people.

*Your third sentence is quite controversial. If you had this idea, that they are hopeless, why did you want to do volunteer work to help them in the first place?

Your planning seems a bit unclear..


^The homeless do not have money to buy. They are not customers. Also, as this is volunteer work for the homeless, the word 'customers' is wrong.


Asking for different serving sizes is ordinary I guess. But is it 'sociable'?
Also, you instantly respected the homeless, just because one man liked Star Trek just as you did? That is interesting. Because one man had a mutual interest, you decided to respect his entire socioeconomic class. That is interesting.


^Your ending is quite ineffective. What is the homeless perspective? What differences are we talking here? I am led to believe that you are, seeing as how you mentioned 'homeless', your socioeconomic class? You then go on to talk about your abilities, which is quite irrelevant to the prompt.

Undergraduate / The year 2050, movie of your life - NYU Personal Statement [7]

Well, what do autobiographical movies tend to focus on?
It could start off with the person's life during the toddler years and perhaps signs of an interest in the career that was pursued , but would focus mainly on the breakthroughs that person has faced in his/her life. Some depth may be covered on how that person got into that career and how that person came to the life defining moments that catapulted them into stardom and/or fame.

It will probably end with what that person's life is like up till the point he film is being made.

**Think of those American Idol clips when a person gets eliminated. Go along those lines.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^ One of the best posts I have ever read on this site. Definitely the best post I have read this August :)


^That is the hard part. Tightening this analogy alone will probably be a lot more work than coming up with a new one, because comparing research and punching in numbers, is pretty much incomparable to ballet. I had explained why earlier.

Also, the writer's style does not make the analogy obvious enough. In my case, as a reader, I was left confused. I thought, what is with 'punching in numbers', is Miss Judy a Math teacher or did ballet have to be mathematically precise? I had to read the essay again to make the connection.( The Admissions Committee will not have time for this.)

**Then again, whilst I made the connection, it didnt quite click. I had to ask for an explanation of the analogy, to which still no one has given a confident explanation..

I am not saying that an analogy should not be included. I do believe that an ineffective analogy, as the one that was used earlier in the essay, should be removed so as to avoid confusion.