Essays / Similarities between myself and any vegetable [17]

This reminds me of UChicago lol...

Anyways.

Shrek voice: Onions have layers

If you are lazy, then perhaps you can even draw upon the topic of being a 'couch potato'.

If you are cool, then you can compare yourself to a cucumber. (Yes, from the god awful simile, 'cool like a cucumber'.)

Best idea, as Simone suggested, come up with similarities between yourself and the vegetable. I guess the easiest similarities to spot would be physical ones, such as small and round, or long etc..

Undergraduate / Stanford Experience Essay [7]


^You do not really need to begin with that line.

I was introduced to thisthe concept of evolution when I was in middle school and I took a class trip to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena. This trip proved to be not only one of the most intellectually engaging experiences of my life, but also one of the experiences that has driven me to work harder in academics in order to achieve my aspirations.What I have highlighted in bold, is what I think is just a giant cliche.

At the time, it blew my mind to think of an airplane travelling from one side of the nation to the other,
^Even when you were well into high school, the thought of an airplane travelling from one end of the Earth to the other was 'mind blowing' to you at the time? Ok, well I guess that is you then.

and here was a craft travelling billions of miles to the end of the galaxy.
^It was a project under development. How was it 'travelling'.

While this event triggered a short-lived obsession with engineering, it sparked an even greater interest within me.
^Perhaps you can specify the branch of engineering; aeronautical engineering.

I became spellbound with the idea of indefinite human growth, and even to this day, I hold this memory close to me.
^I think readers would understand that it is a close memory if you decided to talk about it in your application essay.
By the way, human growth does not seem to be the right word. It is as if you are implying that we can physically continue to grow. Whilst this may be true, I do not think that this is the track you want to be on...

As an aspiring physician, I can only hope for greater development in the field of medicine, and to me, this ongoing journey to Pluto is a sure sign of advances in all fields of studies.

^
I think mankind in general relies on greater development for medicine. Your sentence structure implies that because you are an aspiring physician, that is why you hope for greater development in medicine..is this the case? If you were not an aspiring physician, then would you not want greater development in medicine?

The ongoing journey to Pluto is not an advancement in the field of English Literature. So I would not say all 'fields of studies'.


To what extent can you consider it slow?

Look, you were meant to discuss an idea or event that you found intellectually engaging. Alright, you decided to go for the Jet Propulsion event. You do not develop how you found that event intellectually engaging.

You just say, literally, 'I went to this event. There was a mission to go to Pluto. It is amazing. Mankind is taking a giant step forward.'

I also do not see what is the point of mentioning being an 'aspiring physician' because neither is it relevant to your essay, nor the essay question. You also talk about your brief interest in engineering. What made it brief? Your whole essay focuses on an 'intellectually engaging event' that centers around engineering...what just made that interest fade away. It kind of implies that perhaps, you did not really find this event that intellectually engaging to begin with.

Undergraduate / "Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay [17]

Even myself- at first glance I may seem like the least likely candidate to be applying to a school such as Stanford; however, I pride myself on that fact. I believe that life is short, life is sweet, and life isn't all about studying.

^I got quite thrown off by those lines actually.
-You admit that you seem like an unlikely Stanford candidate.:

-You could have said that because you have a stereotyped image on the Stanford student. It is understood that Stanford admits students who are very academic, therefore the stereotyped image would be a nerd right? Are you trying to pride yourself that you do not look like some nerd?

Fine, Stanford also admits people who have strong talents. Are you implying that you are not talented then?
If you were on the track of the former suggestion, it shows some ignorance on your part on the type of community and people that Stanford look for.

-Also, whilst life is not all about studying, it is bad enough that you decided to structure your sentence in an informal manner, but it is worse when you try to give off the impression that studies are not important to a University such as Stanford, where a lot of independant study is actually required.

'If I am your roommate, you will sure be soon to discover that while studying is a priority- it is far from being my top priority'

^O dear God. I already thought the previous line was bad, and now you say this? I will look at the rest of your essay now..lol

After years of house arrest, I have come to realize that while academics play an important role in one's life, it isn't everything.

^Is the 'house arrest' a literal term, or were you actually placed under probation. Only include 'house arrest' if the latter is true, otherwise it can be quite misleading.

I've discovered that, miraculously, it is possible to have a life outside of studying. While my academic performance may not be at the level of a super genius- I have had the pleasure of enjoying every minute of my schooling careerand exploring different paths be it educational or not.

^Learning at school is not a career. Quite frankly, you can omit the whole sentence about the 'super genius'.

As my roommate, you will quickly realize that I love having a good time and be warned- I'll force you to have more fun than you can possibly endure.

^
Perhaps you can talk about what fun is. Dorks may think that going to a comic book convention is fun, however I would much rather prefer a rave party.

Also, some people may think that books are their best friends and that studying them is their definition of a good time. Other people like to sit home and play World of Warcraft. If these are people's definition of 'fun', then will you actually encourage them to do these activities 'more than' they 'can possibly endure'?

Ultimately, I believe that you will recognize that I am not just another stereotypical Asian and I sincerely hope that by becoming my roommate, you will realize that appearances can, in fact, be deceiving.

^You are not only addressing the room mate in this question. You are also writing to the Admissions Council.

Good luck man...

Graduate / Specific short-term career goals - MBA Admission Essay [4]

It's 6:00 a.m. as I sit down at my desk. Behind me, the morning sun begins to rise as I am alone in the office, preparing for another day of tactical thinking and execution. As the manager of Fraud Strategy for U.S. Bank, each day brings forth uncertainty, SOMEWORD, and most importantly, the opportunity to be proactive in a reactive industry.

^
I would love to suggest 'someword', however I really do not know what you feel the job brings you??

This is the next step in my career at U.S. Bank, a step that will lead me to senior management and beyond.
^Is the MBA the step?

Before I am able to move into a management role within U.S. Bank, I will need to hone my leadership skills and become the leader I know I am capable of being .

--Perhaps in between this sentence and the next one, you can define what a leader is, so that readers know what you mean by 'best leader'.

To become the best leader I can be I will need the best resources and training available. This is where the Katz MBA comes into play.

^Hmmm if you want to stick to this idea, then my question is, how does the Katz MBA offer the "best resources"? Like, what are 'best resources'?

Also, does an academic program offer 'training'?

Currently in the roleasof Project Manager for the Fraud Implementation and Support team at U.S. Bank, becoming a manager in fraud strategy would enable me to make the transition from managing intangible software implementation projects, to the tangible aspects of managing people and the decisions they make each day.

^I like this sentence to be honest. I thought it shows clear focus and knowledge of the field and the position.

The manager of Fraud Strategy at U.S. Bank over see's all aspects of transaction related fraud within U.S. Bank. From the implementation of our fraud detection software package, Fraud Watch Plus, to managing Fraud Specialists, Project Manager's, and call center representatives, the manager of Fraud Strategy administers a very dynamic employee base while at the same timewhilst also attempting to keep up with some of the most intelligent and intricate criminals in the world.

-Perhaps, you can omit the name of the software package?
-Also, I doubt you can describe 'criminals' as 'intricate'.

Having extensive knowledge in the transaction services industry, it' s practices and regulations, has given me the tools needed to have a sound foundation for my first management position.

Throughout my life I have always know that I was a leader. Taking extra time to refine my baseball skills, staying after school to coordinate review sessions for an upcoming exam, and volunteering at local non-profit organizations are just a few of the leadership traits that I have shown at a young age.

^Alright. Here you talk about leadership. Perhaps you can place this earlier, where you first mention leadership and tie it in with a definition as well?

Also, by just stating activities, does not prove you have leadership traits. What was it in these activities that made you feel that you are a leader.

*Ok I went through the rest of your essay and I personally felt that it is mismatched from here onwards. I skim read the rest. I personally feel that after you implement some revision, and fix the chronology of your essay, it will be a lot more effective and can gather a lot more useful input from people on this site.

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [35]

Notoman: 'You do not want the word of here. When you use myriad as a noun, you need the word of. When you use it as an adjective (like you have done here), you omit the word of.'

Right vietfun2k, I mistook 'myriad' as a noun. It was me who suggested the 'of'.

*I do not know how to quote with the boxes and stuff.

Graduate / MBA demanding/challenging situation Essay [9]

SecuringHaving secured a job at company T, a leading company in the field of communication, was overwhelming especially in athe market scenario of 2002 when there was an overall slowdown in the technology sector. Although the compensation offered was not up to my expectations, company T was still the lifeline as my family's financial position at that time was not very good, and my salary was crucial to meet the household expenses. "I will prove myself very soon to deserve a promotion and a considerable hike", I heard saying myself on the first day of my professional career.

As days went by, my professional experience turned out to be completely different than what I had expected and dreamed of during my previous predictable student life.

^the bold part does not quite gel in with the sentence. Consider revising it or just omit it.

After a month of induction training I was assigned a project in 3rd generation wireless domain, a field totally alien to me. My job was very demanding and involved writing complicated codes for advanced (3G) mobile phone applications . Since everything was new to me I was finding the going a tad too difficultfound things quite difficult . It was during this time that Shankar, one of my colleagues, went out of his way to help me complete my assignments and he did this without any expectation . He helped me with my work for three consecutive months. As it happens with most things in life, Eventually , this phase of challenge passed and I came up triumphant, thanks to the help rendered by Shankar.

'phase of challenge'...not quite feeling it.
how were you 'triumphant'.

At the end of the year, my contribution to the project was recognized and I was rewarded with good grades and a salary hike. I was happy that ultimately I could achieve what I aspired for but my happiness was short lived. I discovered that my friend, who had helped me during my project, had not fared well as his official contribution to this project was very a lot less.

I was now faced with the tough question, as to whether toI should report to my manager about my friend's role in my achievements or to just ignore the incidentnot . The easy way out was to sit silently and bask in my newfound glory. On the other hand there was athe potential risk of losing my hike and my reputation. I also risked jeopardizing my future growth in company T. DiscussingI discussed ]the issue at hand this issue with my parents and after a deep subsequentsubsequent deep reflection, I finally decided to go ahead and shareinform my manager about Shankar's involvement in my success . I was very nervous about how my manager reacts would react to the news . To my great surprise, my manager appreciated my honesty and courage and took steps to salvage my friend's appraisal in the light of these new revelations. I felt a surge of relief pass through me and felt that a great weight had been removed from my conscience.

I feel that my action then was justified not only because it was the fair thing to do but also because it did a lot of good to me in the long run. Apart from gaining a trustworthy friend, it established my credentials as an honest and upright man and helped me to get many positions of responsibilities later. Apart from my personal gains, my action did a lot of good to the work environment at my office, as people realized that honesty and helpfulness were a valued attributes and that it really paid to be nice guy!!

^The double exlamation mark does show an informal approach to this essay...

This experience reinforced my conviction that an ethical behavior is always the best option, no matter how difficult it might be in the short term.

^ethical behaviour difficult in the short term?

Few mistakes here and there. By the way, what was the challenging situation? THe project. Or telling the manager about Shankar?

Undergraduate / Medical Secondary [26]

Unfortunately, there is also athis wide gap between urban and rural health care systems also exists in America. In joining the Columbia-Bassett Program, I will pursue a medical education that will allow me to apply medical knowledge and skills in daily clinical practice to treat patients from undersevered rural communities.

^In Vietnam or America. You talk about Vietname in the first sentence, so I get the impression that this has motivated you to want to learn about medical practice. Then you talk about America. So which one do you want to help?

*Btw guys, is it a 'medical education'??

I look forward to learning rural medicine and hope to continue providing medical care and service to rural residents during my professional practice.
^
Pardon my ignorance, but can one actually study 'rural medicine' and 'urban medicine'?
*Continue providing medical care? Make sure that that part is only included if you are already doing something. If not, then revise your grammar, because otherwise, it can be quite misleading.

I'mI am very excited to join hand withthe experienced physicians of Bassett Healthcare to improve the health care systems of rural communities in upstate New York.

^K, so I guess you are not going to help Vietnam.
I am not sure, but does that not seem a bit insensitive. You have actually 'experienced' a lack of health infrastructure in your remote rural village in Vietnam. You have not, however, 'experienced' the rural American health care system. Yet, you would prefer to donate your time to America? Even though the Vietnamese rural communities would probably be in more need of qualified doctors?

I do not want you to get the impression that I am questionning your morality or decency here, however, I am questioning as to why you would even mention the Vietnam part. It kind of prepared me to hear something personal about you and your willingess to improve something that you have 'experienced' and something that your sentiments are not very positively expressed towards.

Also, why would you only focus on upstate New York? Perhaps, you can develop your reasons for this?
See what other people think. And yea, guys, is 'medical education' the right term here?
Good luck vietfun2k

Scholarship / MBA Scholarship Short Personal Statement [12]

In April this year, after my wife had a high-cost surgery to save my baby daughter and herself from a risky illness of pregnancypregnancy related illness,to do the MBA seemed impossible. My moral got low. However, mythis life experience has prepared metaught me how to prepare,to affront and solve difficult problems. The encouragement comes to me doing the goal of MBA possible again. To do extreme saving and to get funds from aid events organized by friends and I have been necessary to continue with the plan.

^
As Simone said, the first part is interesting as it is of a personal experience. However, this does not bring diversity. You can however say, how the life experience has presented you with a set of skills that, are perhaps uncommon or unique, and how you would display these skills at the MBA program...(That would be contributing to diversity)

*Whatever I highlighted in bold, is what I thought was irrelevant and to some extent, did not make sense.

Having worked for an international mining company , applying information technology will allowbringingcan bring a different perspective and generatinge valuable discussions with students and faculty.

*I do not quite get the point here. I thought you were going to relate IT to a mining company, however you do not seem to do so. Unless you were implying that because of your experience at an intenrational mining company, studying IT will allow you to 'whatever you wrote.' In that case, not necessarily. Unless you can develop that point, I would not suggest even including it.

Competitive personnel, demanding internal customers and under-pressure work have been part of my work environment. Moreover, my empathy has allowed people trust in meto trust me in working excellently in a team.achieving an excellent teamwork.

*You may want to say how your work environment has developed you and presented you with a 'DIVERSE' set of skills that you could bring to the MBA Program.

My vision to create the first non-profit-organization for business analysis in Peru is oriented to help companies and professionals to generate value-added projects.
^Grammar is weak, which confuses the meaning of the sentence.

I started the creation on November 2008 and by now twenty four people are members of the organization. This experience and my idea to create a company focused on mining are part of my entrepreneurship spirit that I will share in the MBA.

^
I thought your company was for business analysis?

My family and I will be glad to share time with Australian people like playing soccer, inviting Peruvian food or helping community with Lions Club.

^Ok the sentence needs work. However, your football skills, your willingess to work with the Lions Club, and your ability to cook Peruvian cuisine are all activities that make you a 'diverse' person. With the Peruvian food, you are contributing to cultural diversity. You can contribute your set of ideas to the Lions Club, and if you can play like Claudio Pizarro :P, then you are also contributing your footballing skills.

Address some of Simone's points. She has made some good and relevant ones.

Essays / American Literature Thesis [6]

Great Gatsby centers heavily around the American Dream.
There is a lot of symbolism, about the American Dream, in the novel.
Naturally, if you have read the story, you would also know that the entire Gatsby image is based on the American Dream, and that his rise and death are symbolic for the success of the American Dream as well.

Graduate / SOP for PhD in mechanical/industrial engineering [14]

I wanted to be a part of an industry that was an important part of every other business, and. this is why I wanted to be a part of the manufacturing industry. From information technology to pharmaceutical sciences, if you had a product , manufacturing was a prominent part of your business. This is exactly the reason why I chose to get a Bachelor of Engineering in Production Engineering at D. J. Sanghvi College of Engineering, Mumbai University.

Through my bachelors, I was able to learn different key aspects of production through subjects like Manufacturing Engineering, Production Management, Total Quality Management and Productivity Techniques. Apart from the theoretical knowledge, I gained invaluable practical knowledge through the internship at Godrej & Boyce Manufacturing Ltd. I got the opportunity to work at the tool room at Godrej, one of Asia's leading tool rooms.

During my tenure, I got hands on training in the industry, however, what caught my eye was the delays in a lot of projects due to lack of resource allocation, and improper time management leadingwhich lead to heavy loses. If this was the position of one of the leading manufacturing plants in Asia, there was a lot to be concerned about. With the western countries offloading majority of production orders to India and China, such loses could definitelyshould not be tolerated.

This situation encouraged me to get my Master of Science in Engineering Management at Northeastern University. The rigorous curriculum at Northeastern enabled me to get knowledgeenlightened meabout on the core aspects of manufacturing. Through subjects like Operations Research, Engineering Project Management and Logistics, Warehousing & Scheduling, I was able to enhanceenhanced my knowledge of theis field. I even took up subjectsstudied like Economic Decision Making and Financial Management for Engineers so that I would be able to understand projects from a financial point of viewperspectiveas well.

Though my masters degree has given me a lot of information regarding project management and manufacturing, I would like to learn more and do research in the Just-in-time (JIT) strategy, andas well asalso Material Requirements Planning (MRP) and Manufacturing Resource Planning (MRP II). I believe that these strategies and practices can prove crucial in reducing loses infor companies like Godrej, and also in the Asian manufacturing industry. Through my research, I would like to reinstate the importance of JIT and MRP, which seems to be on a decline in this generation, and prove that these methods can prove critical in manufacturing. Prof. Surendra Gupta's research on these topics is something I am particularly looking forward to working on.

I truly enjoyed my time at Northeastern University as a masters student and would love to come back for a doctorate degree. I hope that you will give my application due consideration and humbly request the admission committee to consider my application for available financial assistance in the department. I hope to hear favorably from you soon.

As Sean said, the first paragraph needs a tense change. SO do other parts actually. I highlighted some in bold, but did not do so for some other areas.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people care more about their appearance more than before. Do you agree? [11]

We are living in today's modern society,in which many people care more about their appearance.

There are many boutiques,and fashion shops servedto cater for young people.
^
By the way, a percentage of old people are also concerned with their appearance.

It is very good if you have good appearance'to be visually appealing',
^I put that in speech marks, because I do not know if that is the effect you were actually going for.

In my opinion,youone should pay just enough attention to yourhis/her physical appearance because values inside your body are the most important things. OR 'YOUR INNER BEAUTY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT'

In the past decades , when people just only caredabout their first and essential demand that is of food***,Nowadayswhen people feel satisfied with th isinstinctive demand, they are looking for the others to make them feel happy and pleased.

^**I would have to say that people's instincts demand food and shelter.

Someone people like shopping, playing football, tennis or going to the gym... these will make people feel more confident and help them work diligently and more effectively.

^You take an informal approach here.

Moreover, there are a lot of jobs that require perfect appearance, for example: compere, actor and actress, receptionist, marketing assistant...
^Ok, not the best sentence. Also, not all of these professions require people to look good.

People do these jobs must have perfect appearance because they communicate much with others and often appear on TV or other kinds of media.
^
Revise this sentence.

Although your abilities and your skills are the key to succeeds , but appearance plays a very important role in yourlife.

If you have aBy looking goodgood appearance , youone can easily communicate with others and that makes your work more influent.
^
I did not get the part I highlighted in bold. I have seen nerds and geeks, as well as dorks and losers, who look far from good, communicating to other people easily. They also get good grades.

Also, there are some good looking people out there who use a lot of 'duhsss' in their sentences. That, is poor communication.

In a job interview or meeting with a customer, first impressionsis very grand, even it would beare everything. The interviewee will judge you through your appearance first or if you are staff of a company you will be your company's representative talking with client.

^
I do believe that visual appeal is quite important in today's world. But come on, you can not say with such surety that the interviewers judge an applicant by his looks.

Nowadays, some people concentrate too much on their appearance, thatIt is not necessary, evenas it is just a waste of time. You do not have to wear clothes like a superstar while you just normally do a job not like a star.

^Wow the bold part is bad.

Most importantly, you must learn how to get dressed and behave in each situation in your life.

*Ok, your essay does not seem to have a clear train of thought. You do offer both sides, both rather poorly. I do not get which side you are on. Also, your 'facts' are just opinions. Your grammar needs some work on as well. I think your essay needs work. Focus.

If you are weighing up the two sides, for an argument, then do so. However, develop your ideas and evaluate and come up with a conclusion.

Undergraduate / Medical Secondary [26]

Ooo Columbia. Cool, I did not quite make the cut last year. I take it you are applying Early Decision then.

'I grew up in a rural village myself, and I have experienced seen first-hand the lack of comprehensive health care in remote areas.
^I assume you meant 'see'. If it was an experience, then perhaps you should talk about it. But then again, Columbia doesnt offer much character/word space.

I strongly believe that all ill patients deserve quality care, and the greatest potential of medicine is reached only when it becomes boundless.
^I do not get that second part. How can it ever be reached, if it is boundless?

It's inspiring to know that the Columbia-Bassett Program shares the same views. In joining this unique program, I pursue one of my enduring aspirations, which is to make medical care and services equally accessible across socioeconomic boundaries.

^Will the Columbia Basset Program alone help you do that. Also, it is such a huge task, can just this program make it possible?

I'm very excited by the prospect of working alongside experienced physicians of Bassett Healthcare and devoted classmates of Columbia University to serve the rural community of Cooperstown, NY.'

^You see, here you just mention one rural area. Before you said 'across socio economic boundaries'.
Also, if you have seen poor health care in your remote rural village, I would have expected that place to have been a higher priority, especially if it was

'an experience'

I understand that when doing these essays, 'Why Us', etc, it does require one to compliment that university and program. However, I got the impression that your approach to this essay was 'What does Columbia want to hear?' rather than 'What does Columbia want to hear about me?'

My two cents.

Essays / From Kyrgyzstan to Oxford [23]

Kyrgyzstan is in sore need of political reforms and a good P resident.
^You should say why. What is wrong with the current economic policies and the President?

I am the emerging leader, someone who hopes to start a new party and one day gain the presidency, someone with many of the skills and characteristics necessary for such an achievement, but not yet someone who has done more than win student-level awards and elections.

^Wow, I read above that there were some comments suggesting that you should implement modesty in your essay. Here, you just praise yourself. You also make it sound as if starting a new governmental party can be done very easily and the process of gaining presidency is rather unchallenging. At least, that is what I interpet.

I would say, remove this entire part. You compliment yourself and you do not come across as someone that understands the complexities of a position in the government.

Leading people is my talent.
^
I can not wait to read the next sentence :)

During my school years, I dedicated most of my time to the student organization "Moving Forward", editingwhich focused on editingour the school's monthly student newspaper and building it' s website. Nowadays I am advisingadvise the current President of this student body on all organizations and multimedia questions.

^
All organizations? Ranging from Anti-Gay rights to Unicef?
Wow, that is impressive.

Our biggest achievement has been to put together the university referendum and bring on a new university constitution.
^'Our': Was this the student organisation's achievement, or yours and the current President's achievement?

**You never really talked about how leading people is your talent. You just mentioned consultation and how you were part of some student organisation.

As someone in charge of media, I work with the US embassy in implementing our mission to make every student academically honest.

Charisma, willingness and self confidence made me the head of my faculty at Kyrgyz Economic University.
^Can you develop, on what made you so charismatic?

Together with peers we organized concerts, competitions, debates, trainings and interactive games.
^
Who is 'we'

Such activities started when I was 15 and teacher staff relied on me and chose me to participate in interactive show on national channel to represent my school.

^Revise your grammar.

I had excellent knowledge of Mathematics, History and Geography.
^
Really? Prove it.

Sports activities are important forto me because I strongly believe "A sound mind in a sound body". That is why I was part of basketball team of high school #27 and the swimming team of Kyrgyz Economic University. I won the Award from Bishkek city mayor for the best song at the national interuniversity festival "Bishkek Spring-2007". Everything mentioned above has made me comprehensively developed and opened for every new experience so that I can easily make friends with every person.

^LOL. comprehensively developed? What???
Every new experience? Geez. Make friends with every person? Man, it takes more than just to play basketball, swim, and song in a competition to be able to make such grand claims. It kind of also depends on your personality, rather than your activities. The activities however, can develop aspects of your personality.

The best of the best students from all around Kyrgyzstan came to the international scientific student conference at International University of Kyrgyzstan in 2007.
^
Some parts needs caps locks. How are these students the best? Academically? Sports? Both?

I was one of them reporting about "Developing Economy of the Kyrgyzstan after revolution in 2005". My critical skills helped me to answer all questions from committee and the smartest students. I found out solutions to local problems using very good analytical skills.

^...

Finally I won the Diploma of the 1st degree and my report was chosen to be published.
^K, that is impressive and should be developed on. You can use this, and use it to back up your claims on how you are 'the best'.

It is known that the UK has got world recognition as a powerful democratic civilization with a strong economic position.
^So does America...

The UK education system is totally different from that of Kyrgyz and more challenging.
^
How is it more challenging?

The University of Oxford University will be the best place to attain education, international experience, and an opportunity to explore more different ideas, discover new things and advantageous knowledge as well.

I hope University of Oxford will be eager to be part of the process by helping to educate an emerging leader such as me.
^Universities such as Oxford love to educate people who can emerge as leaders in the future. You are suggesting you are already a leader. Do not do this. Say how you are in the process of developing your leadership skills, and how you want to develop them further. If you are such a 'complete leader', why on earth would you need Oxford. Hitler never needed a University degree.

Also, it is Oxford University.
Also, what is different from being educated at Oxford, than perhaps, University of Manchester? Both are in the UK, and studying in the UK was a strong point to you...

What can Oxford offer, that perhaps Manchester, or other Unis in UK, can not?

After graduation, I would like to work at the World Bank in Kyrgyzstan to reduce poverty and contribute to sustainable development. I have helped hundreds of my relatives and friends because "There may be times when you cannot find help, but there is no time when you cannot give help." George Morriam.

^
So what help did you give? I am led to believe that you just helped clear the table once in a while, seeing as how you did not actually mention any specific help you offered.

Most of them strongly believe that I could be very perspective president and they with their friends would vote for me.
^
Obviously. They are your close ones. When it comes to a Presidential election however, you do not just rely on your families and friends support.

These days I am working with future plans and reforms for Kyrgyzstan.
^Like what?
K, you are part of a student group? Are you daring to suggest that that alone, is 'working with future plans and reforms for Kyrgyzstan.'

I believe in God and hope to start a new party and one day gain the presidency to personally make a lasting difference in the lives of nearly 6 billion people around the world will live forever in me. "Change lives, change organizations, change the World".

^Lousy ending.

*Look dear,
If you are applying to Oxford for a grad program, then boy does this essay need CONSIDERABLE AMOUNTS of work. You present yourself as someone who thinks they are very capable, however offer very limited explanations on what makes you so capable.

Quite frankly, I thought your essay was garbage, especially for Oxford standards.
You talk about wanting to work at the World Bank, and then become President.
Many people have these aspirations, including myself, however I will not admit it on my essay unless I have proof to show that I am capable of getting these positions.

You talk about it as if it is an easy process.
You also talk about yourself as if you are the best.
These are not leadership qualities.
Your essay seems to lack focus and understanding of the future. You also do not talk about what subject you want to study and why.

This is a GRADUATE ESSAY FOR UK. You need to talk about what it is you want to study, and why and how it can help you. YOU DO NOT DO THAT AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL

If you really care about going to Oxford, show it.
For the most part, your grammar is quite weak, as evident from the lack of capitals at time and endless sentences which are in clear need of punctuation.

You are applying to Oxford. Brush up.

Writing Feedback / 'minimum obligations' [TOEFL] Who enjoyed/enjoy life better? Older or Young? [6]

With a rapid advancements in technology and medical science, a growing number of people nowadays are seeking for ways to pursue a better quality of lifestyle. In relation to this phenomenon, the question has been arisen as to whether older people enjoy their life more than young people do . In my opinion, I fervently believe that young people are more capable of enjoyingenjoy their lifelives more than the elders mainlydue to theirthe youthful being in better physical condition and less responsilities to take.having less responsibilities.

First of all, most people are generally in their best shape when they are young. It is obvious that unlike young people, senior citizens have comparably weak physical conditionare comparitively physically weaker which hinders them from enjoying activities that requires h hone witealthy body.being healthy . For example, my Grandfater used to hike up thea mountain induring his adolescence, but.Now he is unable to do so as he had been experiencing withdue tofailure s in his health. As this example illustrates , young people are more likely to enjoy their lifeves than elders by taking advantage of their good physical health.

Furthermore, teenagers have less obligations to be taken into their consideration that often hampers one from enjoying his/her life. As people grow older, they start takinghave more responsibilities in their life such as supporting not only themselves financially but their family financiallyfamilies as well . In this sense, they have lack of timedo not have time to spend forwith themselves after taking care of all the duties that are essential. Take my mother for example,she is a full time worker and work ing for fourty hours a week. So she normally comes back home at about five o'clock. However, she still have s to keep herself busy by cooking meals and helping me with my homeworks even after the hectic hours she has just spent at her workplace. Like this, young people can spend more time for themselves by taking less responsibilities.

^I do not get that last part.

In conclusion, although some might argue that older people enjoy their life more than young people, it seems to me that there are more opportunities for young people to enjoy their livesdue to to their optimal physical condition and minimum obligations.

I do not know how the TOEFL essays are marked. If it is based on grammar, there have been some grammatical errors here. I have made some attempt to correct these, however other contributors may find others.

Undergraduate / 'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay [24]

Reviewing your essay, and some of my input, some further changes can be made.

"Yeah!" screamed Sergey, my team member, from the stands. My teammate Howard and I had just scored and five. Five seconds later, we heard the buzzer. The stadium was quiet and everybody waited for the referees to count the scores. As I was staringstared at the scoreboard, the referees announced the scores. Our team grasped victory by only two points. I was in disbelief and shock; I couldn'tnot utter a single word.

When I turned to the stands, my team jumped up in excitement and ran screaming "WE WON WOO HOO!" Everybody gave each other high fives and hugs;because we had just won the first placeFirst Place in the First Tech Challenge state competition.

FTC is a robotics competition in which high schools create a robot to perform certain functions in a field. After eight months and endless toils work on the robot, for 8 months, we actually won first place in the whole state of Florida.

^I do no think you can specify the time, and then juxtapose it with 'endless' toils. I think you can, however, I am not advocating this. Try and come up with another expression. Unless other contributors are fine with this. Seeing as how you have taken, 98 percent of my advice already, I would omit the 'endless toils' part.

That was one of theis the most momentous achievements in my high school career.
^I understand that you may be trying to say that you have had many achievements in high school. However, do you really need to show that off? Make it look like this event is something you are really proud of, so that it comes off as stronger and more personal.

It all started back in September of 2008 when a close group of friends and I formed a team. We received all of our building supplies andas well as some the information about the competition. After that, we then brain stormed on the visuals and functions of the robot. Everybody contributed ideas and after what seemed like a century of trial and error, we finally had a good idea on how we were going to build our robot.

^How can it be trial and error? You have not even started to construct the robot. Nothing, was actually tried and tested to see if would fail. You were deciding, HOW you were going to build the robot.

Or at least that is what we thought. The building process was met with one failure after another; we built one segment only to see it interfere with another. Occasionally, the robot just refused to function whatsoever. This process of buildingThe building process continued for the following seven consecutive months until we finally finished creating the robot. We took a step back, to from what he had just created,analyze what we have created and. Doubts , on even coming close to first place, crawled into everybody's mind about even coming close to first place. Regardless we went ahead, and it turns out that after all of our hard work, we had constructed a decent machine.

This event has thoughttaught me a lot about myself. all the doubts I had about the robot actually turned into a fuel that kept my mind working at optimal efficiency, so I had perceive any of the mistakes and correct them .

^You became a fuel? lol, now that is a superpower.
You never discussed keeping your mind working efficiently. You never corrected any mistakes. If anything, you come across as a person who thought that the robot featured a LOT of mistakes, seeing as how you thought you could not finish anywhere near top place.

The disbelief and uncertainty in my work sharpened my mind instead of clouding it.
^How and when? Like I said right above, you thought you would not win.

This is the type of behavior I will bring to University of Florida, an analyzing mind that will push itself further and beyond all boundaries to be triumphant in my goals and dreams.

^As Simone said, an analyzing mind is not a form of behavior. What are your goals and dreams? How will you push yourself further? You do not even remotely discuss about having pushed yourself further in this essay, what makes you suddenly believe you can do it if you are trying to relate it to this essay?

Writing Feedback / The eating habits and lifestyle of children in different countries/generations. [10]

In conclusion, there are number of benefits of eating homemade food when it is compared to fast food, and takeaways. Parents should make their children be aware of these benefits so those children will avoid having an unhealthy eating habit and lifesytle. Eventually, they will become healthy individuals.

^Lol no. Just by omitting poor eating habits and lifestyle does not make you a healthy individual.

I would say you need to evaluate. I do not have any research to prove this, but havent people nowadays become more interested in fitness and sports compared to previous generations?

You give a very narrow viewed answer to this question, by focusing only on home meals vs fast food..
Also, you take a very subjective approach to this question, and the subjectivity is made painstakingly obvious.
You say that this is a time essay. Looking at it, it looks like an essay that was done in 10 minutes.

Undergraduate / 'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay [24]

I would not say it is wrong. However, the general philosophy in your essay is quite unnecessary. You just make it general. You do not show how it applies to you specifically, or how you abide by these philosophies. I think you should considering doing that, because in turn, it reveals more about your character.

Just stating something does not quite reveal the true 'you' if you know what I mean.
Also, given the essay question, just going for a general philosophy may not be the ideal approach.

The essay question is 'write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.'

It is not asking for a general philosophy. It is asking for how a meaningful experience, can affect your college experience or your contribution the the University of Florida's campus...

So Id say you need to structure your closing paragraphs so that it directly addresses the question.

Undergraduate / 'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay [24]

'Yeah!' screamed Sergey, my team member, from the stands. My teammate Howard and I had just scored and five seconds later, we heard the buzzer. The stadium was quiet and everybody waited for the referees to count the scores. As I was staring s at the scoreboard, theythe referees announced the scores and .I see our team has grasped victory by only two points. I was in disbelief and shock; I couldn't utter one word or sound.

^You do not utter sounds.
Also, I can see that you are rewriting this experience, that distintively occured only once in the past, in the present tense. This is incorrect. I have suggested, the use of the past tense, in my 'corrections'.

When I turned to the stands I my whole , my team jumped up in excitement and ranover to the d* (What is the 'd') screaming ' We won , woo hoo!' Everybody gave each other high fives and huggings , exuberance emits from us because we have had just won first place in a state competition called the First Tech Challenge state competition .

FTC is a robotics competition where in which high schools create a robot to perform certain functions in a field, and afterAfter endless toils overon this robot, for 8 months, we have actually won first place in the whole state of Florida.

That was one of the most momentous achievements in my whole high school career. It all started back in September of 2008 when we first formed our team, which consisted of a close group of friends of mine.a close group of my friends and I formed a team.

We received all of our building supplies and the information about the competition,After that, we went straight to brain-storming on how our robot will look and what type of functions it needed to perform.brain stormed on the visuals and functions of the robot. Everybody contributed ideas and, after what seemed like a century of trial and error, we finally gothad a good idea on how we were going to build our robot,.Or at least thatsis what we thought. The building process was met with one failure after another,. we built one segment only to see to interfere with another, and, of course, if it wasn't one failure, it was another.

^I do not get that sentence...

Occasionally the robot just refused to function whatsoever. This process of building continued for the following seven months until we finally finished the robot with great doubts in our mind of even coming close to 1st place.

^The robot had great doubts??
Or, did YOU HAVE GREAT DOUBTS IN YOUR MIND OF EVEN COMING...etc

ButRegardless we went ahead anyway , and it turns out that after all of our bickering, we constructed a decent machine.
^You never quite mentioned bickering. I am not saying that you have to, but your essay does seem to mainly focus on failure, which I assumed was due to the difficulty you guys had in assembling a properly working robot?

TheseeventsThis event will help me in my college career , because theyit shows that no matter how much you one thinksyouone have failed or how much you assumeone assumes is wrong, if you perform your best you could succeed in anything you put your mind to.

^Do not use 'you'. You are specifically targeting the reader in that
case. Make it more general, and replace 'you' with 'one'. If you want to make it personal, use 'I' or 'me'.
Also, the final line needs some revision. Try and polish it up a bit.

It proves that you should never give up,and have integrity to push through all the hardships, and have responsibilitybe responsible to perform your duties as best and efficiently as possible, as a resultSubsequently , you will always be triumphant.

^K I get what you are trying to sa. However, whilst those may be tools to success, you make it sound as if that is all it requires. You also make it sound as if it is really easy lol.

The essay question is:

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service'

You described a meaningful event, however you do not address how this meaninful event will contribute to the UF campus community.
When read, your essay is as if you are telling us your 'meaningful event', and then you make general philosophies...

Writing Feedback / Leaders in my life (16 years so far) [8]

^I agree with Simone's comments. All of them are incredibly valid points.

Through my sixteen years of living, I have encountered various leaders.
^Such as? Perhaps, you can remove this sentence. It does not serve any useful purpose.

However, none has influenced me quite like my father, Donald Isler.
^no 'one'

Many people might argue that your father is your average role model, but my father is nothing like the average.
^My father? MY FATHER? Dont bring him into this :P

My father taught me to strive for the best, and anything worth having is worth working for.
^Yea, Simone is right. Most fathers do give this advice. That would make it, the 'average' thing for a father to do.

He has always stressed the importance of getting a good education. He regularly tells me, "Without an education, you have nothing."
^
I doubt most fathers say otherwise.

I have withheld these words with me threw all of my education. I admire my father not only for his actions, but more of what he represents, a strong father/husband.

^Is he your father, and your husband? lool
Does just giving regular parental advice make him, a 'strong' father.

What exactly is the essay question?

Undergraduate / The personal statements for University of Wisconsin, [3]

One thing that I am particularly sure about myself is my love of exploration, analysis, and planning.
^Which 'one thing' are you particularly sure about yourself.
Furthermore, I dont think you need to say 'particularly sure'. It is as if you are trying to convince yourself as well, since other people may have alternate opinions about you???

When this quality (You listed loads above, which one are you referring to?)
of mine came across with my growing background and environments, my passion of becoming an elite businesswoman was formed.
^How cliche? Exploration, planning and analysis= passion of an elite buiness woman? Hmmmm. If I read those three 'qualities', I would have expected you to state some thing along the lines of academia to be honest. And what is an 'elite' business woman? lol

The numerous cities I have stayed and visited, andas well as the very different kinds of governments I lived under ofhave been a part of , have gradually shaped my interest in the field of international business.

^Ok I read your next sentence. You do not quite say how it has shaped your interest. Personally, I have visited places from Austria to Switzerland to Tanzania. However, that does not necessarily imply that these experiences can shape an interest in international business. If you make such a claim, I think it is appropriate to say, how it has shaped your interest. What is it about these experiences, that made you interested in International Business?

The focus of the business courses that Purdue offers are way too far from international business,
^not the right expression. I also believe that the subject deserves capital letters

thisThis is exactly why I am considering transferring to University of Wisconsin. I want to prepare myself by presenting myself to a more challenging and focused program.

^You did not talk about Purdue's courses being challenging. So why, did you suddnely bring it up here?
I am not a transfer student, so I can not say. However, is it the right approach to disparage your course like this? What if you do not get in. Does that mean you have to stick with this program that you do not seem to truly appreciate?

Shakespeare once wrote: In nature's infinite books of secrecy/ Only a little I can read. People are always exploring and learning throughout the process of living, education backgrounds and living environments are one's most nutritious ponds to explore.

Due to my father's job as a general manager in a major food company in Asia, I have been moving around in China and Taiwan since the age of three.

^Shakespeare talked about his father's job in Asia? Wow..that is enlightening.

I have lived in four major cities in China - Guangzhou, Nanjing, Beijing, and Shanghai - which were back thenpreviously four really undeveloped cities.

*How are they major cities. Develop on that. Cities can be major in terms of economic growth, tourist destinations, financial hubs, fashion capitals etc..I think 'major' is a very loose term.

I witnessed how these cities slowly transforminged into major metropolitan cities, and how these cities are bringing the economics of China into the next glamorous stage. So when I first studyiedE conomics at high school, I grew an interest in the subject, I learned to use the concepts learned in class to analyze the economic development Chinas is undergoing. What I learned in class was just a little compare to what the universities teach.

^What on earth, are you trying to say??

But as Shakespeare said, what we can learn from the environments is infinite, and I simply was combining what I learned with my living environment to explore more about the vast field of business.

^I thought you were analysis the economy...How did business suddenly come in. I understand that the two are related, however both academic disciplines are different. So are both the terms, 'economy' and 'business'.

The process of learning is always full of challenges, yet the fruits ones get throughout the exploration are always the exciting sources their life.
^Not really. Some people realy do not care about learning. Learning, is not exciting to many people.
Furthermore, this sentence needs grammar revision.

My love to analyze pretty much guaranteed my absolute interest in liberal art subjects; I am especially fond of subjects such as literature, history, and politics. I always enjoy reading historical contexts and novels, because this is where

^
You are not referring to a place. 'Where' should not be used.

one can meet all kinds of people; this is the place where ones learns what a community is, and this is where ones learn how to deal with different kind of people while keeping the community in peace.

^
*Look, 'one', is singular!
How does reading historical context and novels keep the community in peace? That is absolutely, ridiculous.

There are endless things we can learn from human beings, people changes easily, and if ones cannot grab the changes well enough, the decisions ones make might not be good enough for a healthy entity.

^REVISE GRAMMAR.
Liberal arts is just another "infinite book" for us to explore, and this is what I enjoyed doing.

Moreover, I have been living under two very different regimes - the democratic Taiwan and the communist China. These two countries have a very constraint relationship, studying in China I inevitably would encounter some unpleasant challenges from the Chinese.

^Replace the comma with a full stop.
Also, I do not get it. Will you face encounters, or have you faced encounters. Either way, adjust your sentence so that it is clear.

Yet I learned to deal with these challengers smartly without losing my Taiwanese pride, because I know being in a community ones have to be thoughtful of others' political view.

^Again, 'one' is singular!

Honestly, it feels very funny to see an extremely socialist country slowly making its way to democracy.
^Does it feel funny?

While I was in high school, I was the president of the Charity Club. With the cooperation of the members and also my management, we managed to plan and organize many successful donation activities, in which the previous president did not succeed to.

^I really do not like how you were bringing up an interesting point on China's political system, and then suddenly talked about high school again.

I also do not like how you think you were much better than the previous president. Your tone shows off a level of arrogance. Whilst I am definitely arrogant in person, I would not want any Admissions Counselor to note it in my application.

I am now working as a student associate in Purdue's dinning court. Even though I already know that a team member should be as supportive as possible, yet being a team member myself let me truly understand how a supportive team is crucial for its success, and how a supportive team can create a more friendly community. Surely, there must have some suggestions for the management of the dining court, and listening to those suggestions will certainly create a better team and community. Through working as a leader and also as a team member, I learned how to be more supportive, and I also realized that I am pretty good at planning and organizing.

^Wow. Once again, you kind of reveal this attitude that you think you are very competent. Do you have any award or something to prove this competence. If not, I would not suggest this very subjective approach.

While I find those scientific subjects (including mathematics) challenging, yet my discipline and my determination help me to get good grades for these subjects.
^What would you classify as 'good grades'.

I hope and intend to bring my passion for knowledge and love of organizing community activities to University of Wisconsin, togetheralongside with my discipline and determination. And I am certain I will be one of the proud alumni of Wisconsin Madison. Thank you for your attention and I look forward to hearing from the admission office soon.

^Dont start a sentence with 'And'.
And dont say that you 'will be certain'. Just say that you will be proud. Come off with a firm approach, that you realllllllllllllly want to be part of Wisconsin Madison.

I also think you should thank them for their time, rather than attention. That is if you really want to include that sentence. I guess you can omit it alltogether.

I may look at your other essay later, but not now. I think I have devoted a fair amount of time to what I have already made some contribution to.

Undergraduate / Undergraduates essay to UCF [5]

"Lights, camera, action!" I yelled to my cousins as we filmed the closing scene for our sequel to the film "Zoolander." John, our makeshift Zoolander, wearingwore a tight pair of bell-bottoms and a pink t-shirt, courtesy of my sister Emily , repeats the closing line to our short film with theas the excitement from his face faded to disinterest. Suddenly, I realized that the fate (I think 'fate' is the incorrect word to use here.) of our films rests in thisdepended on this last take's delivery as. The second our star loses interestJohn lost interest, naturally everything along with the film will lose it's quality as well, (a suggestion on how to rephrase it. If you can come up with something better, use it) he will inevitably take the rest of our four person cast and crew with him, andtell himI told himvery seriously, as I am a year older than him, that he needs to say the line correctly...or else. He delivered the line perfectly.

^(The '...' is so anticlimatic. It just prepares the readers for something lame)

Of course the movie we made ended up being outright nonsense that we still look to as cinematic genius that will forever go unsurpassed by everyone.

^Revise this sentence.

But, the fact of the matter is that these group projects that we did together have had a profound effect on the person that I have become .

me

From directinghaving directedthis film, I have gained skills in leadership by understanding how to assert jurisdiction (I am not sure if you 'assert' jurisdiction. See if other people comment on this) over my peers without being forceful or dictatorial, and as a result, I believe I have truly learned how to work gracefully when put into a group work scenario.

^
It is a good thing that I removed the 'or else' part. Because that sounds threatening and forceful, which completely contradicts your stated beliefs above. :)

While from being apart of the cast I have also learned how to work with my peers when put into difficult situations and I have greatly developed my abilities to understand the opinions of colleagues without being judgmental or harsh, and to be considerate of those I am working with.

My family has had a huge impact on the person that I have become-
learning to work with each other, discovering how to become outgoing with my sister when we moved, or gaining my desire to help people and make a difference in my community due to my grandmother's philanthropist work.

^Make that in the past tense so that there is tense parallelism.
The paragraph also needs a fair bit of revision. It is way too long. By the way, it is philanthropic work. Philanthropists are those that do philanthropic work.

Because of the impact my family has had on me, I am prepared to make a difference in the UCF community and further develop who I am alongside my sister, Emily, who is currently attending UCF.

^Nah. Weak.

Are you answering two seperate prompts? Or are you merging two answers in one essay?
Well anyways, you do not talk about any qualities you can contribute to UCF.
Secondly, I would not say you are right on track to answering the first prompt either.
If you want to talk about your granny, you can say how it has been a family tradition to help people, and THAT has influence you to pursue philanthropic activities. That addresses the prompt question, a lot better.

Develop your essay. It needs the development.

Undergraduate / "Recognizing my mistake and a way to fix it" - help me with the repetition :) [5]

"Arrrgg, hell, what is going with me?", woke up in the darkness of five o'clock, I said to myself, as I woke up at five o'clock.myMy head was as hurt as it was hit by a hammerwas hurting, as if it had been struck by a hammer . I had that headachethis same headache the previous night; it was not unusual at first.however, it was not unusual then

'I tried to get back to sleep again, but it was useless, I could not sleep any more. I got out of my bed, drank some cold water, hopingand hoped toI would get better;but there was no change. I decided to get something for my brain to do, for that it may "forget" the sicknessto do something so as to distract myself from the sickness at hand . I put on my coat thenand took a walk around my town which was cover in pitch black,dark , completely silent and immersed in cold fog. On the way (Way to where, you never quite said) , I thought mindlessly about many things, bad things, good things, the past and future thingsthe futureand something for myself

. Events from past to present appear and disappear unexpectedly, I felt I was walking in aisles of a library and watching the documents of my life.'

^Do not get that last sentence. At all.

For years, I have watched people around me left me to higher rank of the society.
^What?
One of my friends won a scholarship to the US, my sister became one of the most famous young journalists *in the world? (or you can say 'my sister became a famous young journalist) and my parents succeed in their businesses . Each of them, day after day, always stands firmly and fights for their lives, any time they saw an opportunity they run and try to catch it no matter how hard it is and never consider the failure .Any time they are presented an opportunity, they take it by disregarding failure and any difficulties that may come along Live near them, I observer them every day, like an audience watch a big show, just sit and enjoy it . (Please, please check your grammar)

Suddenly I discovered that I have never fought for myself but left thing passed over like a paper boat drifted out to sea. (My god, I have never come across this simile in my life)

I truly regret of what I have done,. I had chosen to walk on an easy and boring road and forget the existence of other ways which were rough but full of glories.

^I think I have an idea of what you are trying to say in this last part. However, I am not entirely sure, because it is quite unclear what you are trying to say?

Thinking of the threaten of the death brought by the sickness, I thought I have no change to correct mistake or fix my life.
^What?

A loud bark of a dog I walked passed pulled me out of my pessimistic thought.
^Did you walk that dog before, or did you walk past it?

I recognized I was still standing there, in my hometown, still breathing, I still lived (unfortunately, my head still ached). Even if I died that early morning, I would not let it a bad morning.

^But you would be dead. You can not do anything about it.

I started running slowly and caught the mixture of smell of steam in the fog and wild flowers' perfume in my nose.
^You are smelling a mixture of scents. You did not catch 'a mixture of smell of steam..'

Sometime later, I saw some neighbors jogging and I said "hello" to all of them. I ran a little faster, I and felt the cold wind touch my skin softly.

^If you are running, I do not quite think that the wind would touch your skin softly. Definitely not softly.

I hardly ever get up early to do exercise but that morning I really enjoyed running around my little home town. Quite tired of runninghaving run a long way, I walkedgently to home. I said to myself:" I've to live, even a single little hope, I'll try it".

That morning I went to the doctor. He said I was shocked by the sudden change in temperature, not a brain illness.
^I think he was shocked at first. What is with the brain illness comment?

My happiness was undescribable.
^Poor spelling.

I lived again and still had a change to full fill my missing.
^again? What was missing?

I thought God was playing with me, he placed me in a smooth road with no hardness then he made me recognize my mistake and gave me a change to fix it. " I will not waste it"-I said to myself.

^There are grammatical errors. Also, what on earth are you trying to say. I do not get the metaphor at all.

Look, this essay needs work. Definitely. What is the significant experience?
You never quite talk about it. I still do not know what it is.
Is it when you walked around town, heard the dog bark, started running, or when you found out that your temperature rose?
You do not talk about it in detail, and do not assess that experience's impact on you and your personality and how it has changed you since then.

Bad essay.

Undergraduate / 'trauma patient emergency care' - Supplement essay medical school [17]

This incident left me thinking about the fleeting nature of life and how only when one tightropes the thin line of life and death does one truly appreciates the precious gift of life. This unique experience has given me a greater admiration for the art of the surgeon and fostered my interest in pursuing this medical field of study.

^All of that does not quite fit in with the question.
You are being asked 'Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome'

^The stuff that I have copied and pasted is basically your personal commentary and opinions on the whole thing. Whilst the general content of your essay can tie in with a unique experience, or an obstacle that was overcome, the rest does not.

*If you want, you can omit those sentences and further describe any emotions you had at the time to operate effectively at that point in time, or something along those lines in which makes the readers think that you overcame an obstacle. Alternatively, you can perhaps develop the final part of your essay and describe what truly made this experience unique, which I guess would be the call of duty to a man whose eye had been shot and whose life was in question.

Undergraduate / "My Mom" - help with most influential person essay. [5]

Though there are many people who influenced my values in my life, I believe there is one person who showed me a lot more than the rest and this lovely lady is my Mom.

^
It is quite unnecessarily verbose. You can reduce it, and get straight to the point. Naturally, there are many people who are influential. However, since you are only focusing on one, it is best to just focus on that one person, which in this case is your mother.

'The one person who has truly influenced my values in my life is my Mother'.
^Naturally, you can rephrase it so it can become a more powerful sentence. However, the point I am making is that perhaps the better approach would be to just get straight to the point, rather than distract the reader with unnecesary information that does not describe a setting or anything; 'though there are many...' is all quite superfluous.

My mom has taught me to strive for whatever it is that I want, but with wanting something comes a price. She has showedshown me that if I want to succeed in anything , the I will have to put my all (all? try and come up with a better vocab word to express yourself and what you feel you must put in) into it and put in the extra time to make sure it is being done to its fullest extent. (I personally think that this part could use some revision)

Another important valuethat she has taught me is that if you areI am going to start something then you will Have to finish it I have to complete it.

This value (I am not sure if it is a value as much as it is a lesson) plays a big part in my life and motivates me with my tasks. It is what helped me stay in football my junior year, and made it so I could continue playing up until now, my senior year. ] motivated me to continue football from my junior years right until my senior years.

You can perhaps discuss what you have learnt from your mother, and develop why these lessons are important to you. You can perhaps discuss your mother in more detail, perhaps add life to her character in your essay, which in turn can allow you to make her appear as powerful in your essay as you believe she is in real life.

I am planning on doing this essay myself. My approach is to describe the influence that the person has had on me in terms of my attitude and mental approach to situations.

I guess the advice on this essay topic can vary. It will be interesting to see what other people think. I have already noted Simone's advice :)

Undergraduate / Imagine a life entirely different from the one you now lead, what would it be? [6]

You do not address the question. You do not talk about a different life from the one you are currently living. Rather you discuss your interests.

A wrong approach, as you do not answer the question.
I would have offered some input in regards to some grammatical errors you have made, however it will be useless seeing as how you did not even answer the question and you need to redraft your entire essay.

Scholarship / 'Bournemouth University has one of the most advance educations in the world' - BU scholarship essay [31]

'BU has one of the most advanced educations in the world. BU's NCCA has the tie-ups with leading companies in the games industry, including Codemasters, Lionhead Studios and Rare. The University's major partners in the film industry include Framestore CFC and Dreamworks. Hence BU's program would be a great environment in which to build upon my previous knowledge, take my creativity to the next level, and to hone my ideas and abilities both conceptually and aesthetically.'

^In my opinion, well phrased and well written. However, whilst pleasing to BU, you are applying for a scholarship and the first two sentences does show some superficiality. How is BU one of the most advanced? What allows you to consider BU's education to be more 'advanced' than any other University in your area? Also, if it is only 'one of the most', why are you not considering the most 'advanced education'.

'My academic career has proceeded in the best possible way so far. I passed out from one of the finest schools in the city, Modern Indian School. As a culmination of my efforts, I qualified for admission into the prestigious Maharashtra Institute of Technology affiliated to Pune University, India. In my undergraduate studies, I have benefited from the breadth of Pune University's syllabi content that has given me a comprehension exposure and a strong conceptual understanding of computer science.'

^a comprehensive exposure.
Once again, how is Maharashtra Ins of Tech prestigious? In what regard? If I was to go by the typical, 'O it is so selective and very academic, and therefore has a great name and therefore offers a great education and a great job later on' approach, I would say that IIT is the prestigious University of India and completely disregard your statement of Maha..In Tec of being prestigious. It is best to just remove the word. It results in too many complications.

-So what if it is affiliated with Pune University.
-You did not talk about how you 'achieved an exemplary standard in your studies.'

'I have got all my academic knowledge from English medium institutes. English has been a part of my studies since I began learning. I have also given the IELTS test where I got a good result.

^Remove the first sentence.
-Secondly, what is a 'good result.' To some, 50 percent is an acceptable score. To those who are more focused on academics, nothing short of 95 percent may be acceptable...

4. professional experience to date and your career aspirations.
5. how would u bring an exciting and valuable global perspective to your course at BU.
6. Outstanding achievements in the face of adversity and personal achievements.
7. what motivates you?
8. service to community or charitable work.
9. your intentions upon returning your home country.

The technology motivates me to gain more knowledge so that I could utilize my skills to the growth of digital industry in my country. I wish to see Nepal following the latest technologies.

^Is this for point 9. You could have at least informed us or structured it properly so that we can understand your chronology. If it for point 4, then it does not address the topic.

I have served as a volunteerin Nepal Children's Organization, a child orphanage. My work involved organizing various events like spelling contest, quiz contest and other co-curricular activities. I have also taught English to kindergarten children.

^Just say 'volunteered at Nepals...'
-make the 'contest' in plural form.

these are the paragraphs for no. 3, 7, 8 and 9. these are written in very simple language. I'll be writing for no.4, 5 and 6 as well.'
^Ah so now you mention it.

Do you have to reply in choronological order? In that case, which one is which?
Why dont you number them, so that it is easier for us to see how well on track you are.

'As I belong to a different country, my creative qualities would reflect my background. (Plz elaborate this for no. 5)'
^No. Why dont you come up with something and then ask for some input.
We can not write something for you, because we do not know what you intend to say.
Why dont you finish up first?

Undergraduate / "I want to attend Chapel" - provide advice on how I can better my essay. [5]

I released my white-knuckle handhold, threw my arms high above my head, and waited, praying silently, for my savior to catch my wrists.
^^'Praying' is not gramatically parallel with the other tenses in the sentence.

'The two-hour session would include a beginner-friendly position that would eventually be caught by a professional catcher'
^What is caught??

It sounded perfectly terrifying
^ahhhh is that a juxtaposition I see.

'rather, the gymnast moves and performs difficult tricks around the stationary bar roughly eight feet above the ground'
^It is after a semicolon, so you can omit 'rather'.

'The trapeze, however, required both the bar and the acrobat to move, and, to maximize the fear factor, was positioned three times higher than a set of gymnastics bars. '

^Did it require only at that time, or does it still require?

Simply the sight of the trapeze bar from the ground was enough to set my legs to trembling - how was I going to accomplish anything off the ground?'

^my legs to tremble?'

'I heard my cue - and hopped from the platform, swinging into motion.'
^and swung

'curiosity, my thirst to experience, overwhelmed me, and now I crave to experience everything that Carolina has to offer.'
^my thirst for experience overwhelmed me ( You do not need a comma after 'experience'

and now I crave to experience everything that Carolina has to offer.
^You can remove 'and', and allow it to become a new sentence.
Furthermore, do you want to experience everything that Chapel Hill has to offer, or what the state of Carolina has to offer?

*This is a good piece. However, you can perhaps develop the reasons to attending Chapel Hill a bit more. You narrated everything quite well, and suddenly you link it to Chapel Hill and then end it in a matter of a sentence.

Undergraduate / The direction I want to take my education; UWashington Bothell - PS/software systems [8]

When i was a kid and landed my first job, i chose to save up and buy a computer before even buying a car.
^The pronoun 'I', is always in capital letters.

For most of my life, i was a video game connoisseur. My favorite game (warcraft 3) introduced me to programming my own video games and playing them with fellow gamers over the internet.

One of my games had a following of kids who loved to play it. Ever since then, I've been dreaming of building bigger games.

^Good.

Not long ago i made a living drilling oil. It was a lucrative and challenging profession.
^Was it a job or a project?

However, i couldn't stop thinking about my dream of going back to school for computer science. So I gave up that life, moved back to Seattle, and decided that no matter what it took, I would get my degree and do exactly what i had always wanted to do with my life.

Currently, I'm interested in developing games in XNA, and was excited to hear that Proffessor Sung is an active advocate of XNA.
^mispelt Professor.

One of my friends is a developer at Big Fish Games. He has been my window into the games industry and i really like what i see. The opportunities seem boundless for individuals who are willing to apply themselves.

^If you really want, you can insert some statement here on how you wish to apply yourself, particularly at the Software program, and how you wish to apply whatever you have learnt later on in the world of softwares, or gaming...

But my interest extends beyond just games. I am enthralled by the explosion of information technology that's transforming our society.

I can't wait to see where things are headed in terms of artificial intelligence, voice and image recognition and high end graphics.
^I can not wait to see how things are heading in terms of...

I found the introductory CS courses very enjoyable. Writing code comes naturally for me. Even the more complicated issues like recursive back tracking and abstract classes have been easy for me to grasp and work with.

^Easy may not be the appropriate adjective. You do not admit that the courses are easy, because that can imply that you think you are too good for the courses, even if they are introductory.

However, I have run into a bump in the road. Time pressure exams are really difficult for me, due to slow handwriting and an ingrained habit of double checking my work.

^Time 'pressured'
due to 'my slow handwriting'.

But I plan to overcome this obstacle like any other, with hard work. I have recently begun training myself to write fast, and I plan to give myself multiple timed tests before each exam.

After meeting with Advisors from the University of Washington Bothell I have decided that The Bachelors of Science in Computing and Software Systems is definitely the direction I want to take my education. I want to enter the applied computing major first, and then transfer to Computing and Software Systems once I've finished my second Calculus course. Thank you for your time and consideration.

^Good essay. You seem interested in the course. You have more space to further display your interest, and perhaps how you plan on using these interests in the near future.

Writing Feedback / "Going overseas for the university" essay [7]

To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

One of the matters of concern worth discussing is studying abroad or studying at home.
^Not quite feeling the introduction..

To be more precise, a number of people come up with a claim that although studying at the university overseas is an exciting prospect for many people, yet it is better to say at home because of the difficulties a student inevitably encounters living and studying in a different culture.

^Your grammar needs some revision. I think you tried to hard to repeat the title in your opening paragraph. You should try and write something original, rather than type next to every single word in the title in your introduction. It reflects poorly on your creativity and writing style.

It appears rather hard to choose whether completely support such an opinion.
^
What are you trying to say?!?!

With reference to the advocates of the view above there are several justifications worth taking into account.
^In reference..
This is another rather poorly structured sentence.

It can be reasonable to claim that when you enter a country to study you will face many problems of living and studying,
^There is no need for a comma. Instead, use a full stop.

according to some reliable statistics many students are so shock of culture that get stressed for a long time.
^so 'shocked'.
-What reliable statistics are these? These could be subjective opinions of people expressed in the form of numbers. This does not make it, a reliable statistic.

-From your sentence, I am inferring that people are so shocked of a culture that it causes stress. It is almost as if you are saying that people become stressed out because they are so shocked of a new 'culture'. Are you trying to imply that people are find it difficult to mentally accept other cultures?

*Or, do you actually want to say that people find it difficult to adapt to a new culture, which becomes stressful for them?

One further point is that the way study in the new university is totally different with what having been learnt in the past so students must strive very hard to survive in exams, this matter will make students feel tired and have negative attitude to their study.

^One further point?? Remove and change it.
-totally different. Like, totally, duuuuuuude? Try and find a more appropriate expression.
^Your first clause seriously needs some revision. Seperate the two clauses with a full stop rather than a comma.
-students will have 'A' negative attitude, or 'NEGATIVE ATTITUDES' to their study.

Looking at the other side, all the same, those against such an opinion have their own reasons. It also proves to be convincing to believe that difficulties in living and studying can be overcome.

^You can start off with, 'On the other hand', and remove 'all the same' as it is unnecessary.
-What proves???

One of the main arguments for such a view is that culture can be learnt from many available sources such as on the internet, books, etc before one person goes to study abroad;

^'a culture', or 'cultures'.
-remove 'on'.
-before 'a' person goes to study abroad.
^I am not sure if you are learning about a culture as much as you are researching it. I thought culture is best learnt through first hand experience...My opinion at least.

moreover it is it can be generally admitted that at universities there are many pre- classes helping students get acquainted with the style of study.

^it is it??
^Are you talking about the University's culture. Or people's culture?

In conclusion, although not all people will be by my side, I still believe that studying abroad is a wonderful chance in one's life, difficulties in living and studying can be solved easily.

^Remove 'althought not all pepole will be by my side'.
remove 'still'.
Replace the comma ater 'one's life' with a semicolon.

Is this an application essay, or a school one?
If it is for the former, you may want to consider making it more personal rather than just generalizing.
If it is for school, then revise your grammar and your sentence structure. Also, if you need to evaluate, you did not do that great of a job. You just made points and then a conclusion. You never developed your points clearly enough to evaluate them...

I think work, needs to be done.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Newspapers will soon become a thing of the past [7]

Ahhhhhhhh right.

Letters / Cover Letter for internship with a Member of Parliament [5]

^I agree with Sean.

'I perceive an internship in Westminster to be an exciting and useful enrichment.'
^You should discuss what will make it exciting and enriching.

Perhaps you can go as far as to say how you believe and support the UK Labor's governmental policies and how an experience at the Labor Party ties in with your political beliefs, and this is why you would find it interesting and useful.

*If however, you advocate free markets and capitalism, like I do, then perhaps talking about the above mentioned point will be difficult. So then, you would have to LIE.

The moderators have given some sound advice to be honest! Use it.

Graduate / "Where there's a will there's a way" - help me revise the Statement of Purpose [5]

You are from Iran? Cheetori? Khobam?

That is as good as my Farsi gets.

Undergraduate / "experience or achievement in your life" - Untitled Personal Statement [7]

It all so seemed superficial to me. I always saw it as everything television had portrayed it to be. Stuck up snobs who somehow thought they were better than everyone else just because they did a few cartwheels and ran around yelling in synchronization. The first year the team caption asked me if I'd like to try out for the cheerleading squad I nearly laughed in her face.

I, who was shy in every way and opposed all things girly? Yea right, why would I even want to be associated with such a thing?

^I was shy and opposed these 'girly' things. (Shorter)
Why would I want to be associated with this?
^Shorter.
I'm not sure what changed my mind, but I tried out and I made it.
^Does this show uncertainty in character. Also, you present cheerleading as something you really did not like. To not have any idea as to why you just did it, kind of comes off as hypocritical. In my opinion at least.

Over the summer everyone that made the squad had to participate in a summer camp. During this camp my coach said something to me that really crushed my confidence. She said," XXX, you are the worst one out there". After she told me this it really turned my attitude around and I worked harder to master to this scrupulous sport.

Two years later my coach informed me that I was the new caption of the cheerleading squad.
^caption? OR CAPTAIN

This challenged me more than anything else because I was faced with something I feared, leadership.
^This frightened me because I feared leadership. (Shorter)

All of my life I was never the leader of anything I was just another head in the crowd.
All my life, I was never a leader. I was just another head in the crowd (shorter)

I never had to worry about what anyone did but myself.
^I am not feeling this sentence.

Because of this experience I now find it hard to submit myself in the background and not be the leader of an activity.
^A bit sudden.
Because of this experience, I always try to be the leader of an activity (its a shorter revision. Not sure if it ties in with what you were trying to say, but this confusion partly stems from the lack of clarity in the previous sentence.)

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Newspapers will soon become a thing of the past [7]

The internet has been more and more popular for recent years, providing people with a huge source of information.
^become increasingly popular in and has provided people with huge sources of information.

As a result of this, print media such as newspapers have experienced a dramatic decline in the number of readers.
-Subsequently,
-print media such as newspapers and?? or just say newspapers. By saying print media such as, and then offering only one example, is quite ineffective.

-in IT'S number of readers.

Some people, however, still believe that they can exist for long time; others
^They? as in the people? We all want to believe we can exist for a long time....
Unless, you meant newspapers.

disagree, arguing that newspapers have lost their competitive advantage to sustain their prolonged existence.
^lost IT'S competitive advantage.

Personally, I am inclined to agree with the latter view for following reasons.
^FOR THE FOLLOWING

First of all, to obtain information, using the internet is quicker and more convenient than reading newspapers.
^You can start of with 'firstly'.
using the internet is comparitively much quicker and more convenient to reading newspapers.

Contrary to the past when people had to wait long hours to take a daily newspaper, nowadays, they can acquire latest news updated every second through their mobile phones or computers connected to the internet, everywhere and at anytime.

^Unlike the past when people,
nowadays they can acquire the latest news which is updated every second on mobile phones or Internet connected computers, everywhere as well as at anytime.

As can be seen, these devices and machines are very common in all parts of the world, making it easier for people to read a number of things that newspapers can not provide in only some pages.

^Not quite sure where you are heading with this point.

Hence, the print media has failed to keep its important role in the provision of information.

Another point is that, from the economic aspect, buying newspapers appears to be a waste of money when the internet becomes available for every one.

^A rather poor sentence, its rather unclear and poorly structured.
^Also, would buying newspapers be cheaper than running a computer and paying Internet bills?

It is clear to recognize that the internet service is being provided at a low cost or even free in many countries.
^Free internet..where? I swear I never knew countries did this!
Also, you can also start the sentence by saying 'clearly'.
Clearly internet services ARE being provided at low costs and are even free in many countries.

The question arises as to whether or not a person spends an extra money buying newspapers to receive the same, even usually less information than those he can have with the internet?

^Bad sentence.

The answer, perhaps, is that hardly would rational people do so.
^This is quite insulting to people who do prefer reading newspapers in comparison to reading the Internet on the news. People may not prefer using computers perhaps because they can not use it, it takes too long to download, or because its strainful for their eyes...

For this reason, the number of people reading newspapers may continue falling sharply, possibly leading to the close-downs of many in the coming time.
^Not necessarily.

Last, but not least, when taking environment into consideration, people must conceive that the more newspapers are published, the more trees are cut down. This is simply the contributor to the deforestation which is happening all over the world today. At this point, newspapers' production will have to face environmentalists on its way to be alive.

^as more newspapers are published, more trees are cut down.
This contributes to the deforestation which is happening on a global scale today.

In conclusion, it might be unpleasant for some advocating newspapers to witness the extinction of the type of media.
^What are you talking about??

However, this, if occurring, should be seen as a result of the ever- increasing innovations in media technology and in our modern life as a whole.

^Not that great of a conclusion.

I do not know if you are supposed to evaluate in this essay, but if you are, you dont seem to have evaluated at all.

You just present a one sided view, with no consideration of how the newspaper industry can actually prosper.

An essay that can be worked on. Definitely.

Undergraduate / "My Hidden Treasure" - University of Illinois Essay [9]

The famous author, Mark Twain once said, "There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life when he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure." I "dug up" Young Life in the summer of 2007, before I became a sophomore in high school.

^would it not be possibly to switch the two clauses around. Then 'I' can become the direct object as well..
(I am not sure if the correct word is direct object or subject...)

Growing up a catholic in Naperville, Illinois has taught me a lot of important values, but my recent participation in Young Life truly motivated me to put effort into becoming a man of respect and moral fortitude.

^You can omit 'growing up'.
-important values sounds a bit vague. Expand on these. Important values are debatable because they can differ from person to person.
-You can also remove the comma and the 'but', and start a new sentence., however then you would have to say 'has truly motivated'
-put *an effort
-of moral fortitude and worthy of respect.*

I really got to know my group leader, Rob Hankins, and truly got to know who my friends are during the Young Life summer camp last summer.

The greatest aspect of selflessness I learned at camp was that no one will ever understand their impact on others until "they walk in their shoes".

^walk in their own shoes or other people's? Not clear...

Tying things like parasailing and obstacle courses to learning about my relationship with god,
^Respect God. He deserves a capital letter.

and others made it easy for someone my age to realize the potential they have in becoming a part of today's society.
^revise this sentence.

However, there's more to Young Life than just camp, there's service projects and yard sales that the teenagers take part in as well as weekly meetings.

^Seperate the two clauses with a full stop rather than with a comma.

Throughout each school year, leaders get to know teenagers at a more personal level to get to know who we are and help us to mature both as Christians and simply adolescents.

^And get to know...*

Listening to thepersonal experiences from both people that I know and people that I have yet to really meet help me to appreciate what I am given and teaches me that even though I am one out of six billion people in the world, I have the ability to "dig up my own hidden treasure" be making an impact on the society and environment around me.

^Too long such that the sentence structure has become rather clumsy, therefore the meaning has become unclear.
Revise and rephrase it.

Suggestions?

Writing Feedback / "tip the waiter" essay - what have you learnt from a mistake? [9]

Should we tip the waiter?". "Okay.", he said.

Outside the restaurant, we (me and my 4 friends) were (...) by a child beggar.
^My four friends and I?

While none of them wanted to part with another rupee after the hundreds they had spent inside, I decided a rupee or ten wont harm me, and bought him biscuits.

^replace with 'SO I decided to buy'

Walking to the shop, I felt an instant desire to talk to the kid, who was no
taller than my feet, dressed in rags, the most natural wear of footwear.
^was he up to your shoe or something?
After 'talk to the kid', you can put a full stop, and then start the new sentence by saying that 'he was no taller...'
also, is he the most natural wear of footwear, or is he 'wearing it'.

We talked about his ill mother, dead father, his schooling, where he lived; I loved the innocense with which he replied. T
^spell innocence right.

here and then I decided I could help him, teach him, and I started imagining the methods I'll use to teach him, the practise of the english alphabet,

^Here and there??remove that man...
you started TO IMAGINE HOW I WILL TEACH HIM

teaching him tables, values of life, manners, in fact everything I know. It thrilled me.
^I understand that tables is what Indians refer to as Multiplication. However, other readers may think that you are going to literaly teach him about what tables are. Stick to the safe side and call it multiplication.

I never told him about it, but I knew I wanted to do it.

I didn't.
^What did you not do, because you talk about two things in the sentence above...

The guilt that followed a week later when I saw him begging on the street again was (...).

I consider this a mistake in my life because I had right in front of me an opportunity to affect someone's life and I let it go.

^Bad sentence.
By the way, did you let some one's life go?
or an opportunity?
NOT CLEAR.

But it was significant enough to change the course of my life. A week later, I saw two kids studying in the street light, and I lost no time to approach them.

^I never knew you could study in a street light. I thought I would burn...I always thought that the more conventional thing to do would be to study

UNDER the streetlight?

I have been teaching them for around a year now.I have made a conscious effort to contribute to the society and motivate others to do so.

^Just by teaching two children and ignoring the other one that you mentioned above, makes it contributing to the whole society? change it and make it 'my' society, because just 'the' society implies that you helped the entire society, of perhaps your city or country, which is debatable at this point.

That lead the beginning of my volunteer group at college.
^lead TO
The mistake made me realise that social work(or helping others-underprivileged) is something I want to do, not for today, not for tomorrow, but for the rest of my life.

^Be more specific. THAT mistake.
by the way social work is not only limited to the underprivileged. If you are going to use such a broad term, realise that it also includes the handicapped and the elderly..

I hope you find my contribution meaningful

Undergraduate / Barrier between me and my dream career; UT AUSTIN; SOP [10]

My alarm beeped for the fifth time in an hour. Each time it sounded, I was reminded of the approaching time that I dreaded so much: six o'clock in the morning.

In a matter of minutes, I got up and attempted to prepare for my first day of classes at San Antonio's community college.

I made my way to the bus stop, hoping that everything went well and that I would arrive on time to class.
^Given the context of the sentence, would it not be, 'hoping that everything would go well'?

I was twenty years old, without a vehicle, and nervous but also determined.
^Remove the 'and' before nervous.

It was then that I made a promise to myself.
^A bit sudden and random. You were nervous and determined. Ok, the 'promise to myself' sentence fortifies the determination part, but what were you nervous about? Or were you nervous and determined to do something that day? In that case, what? I do not quite see how someone can just have those two emotions on a random day without a given reason...and up to this point, you have not given any reason to be nervous or determined. You just woke up and you are going to college and realised that life is not too cool, but does that make you nervous and determined? It can make you nervous to realise that, your life sucks. And you can be determined to make it rock.

In my opinion, you should be more clear.

I vowed to be successful that semester and every semester to follow. I vowed to arrive early, ask questions, give answers, and put everything I had towards my goal.

^You vowed. Does that make it a goal?

For the past year and a half, my life has been nothing but a revolving door between work and school and I could not possibly be any happier. I pay for my rent, bills, and schooling through the long work hours I invest in each week.

I have overcome the inconvenience of having to spend four hours each school day to get to and from campus in order to be successful. Now that I near my last semester before transferring to a four year university, I feel satisfied in my approach to my academic career and know that as long as I remain the ambitious individual that I have always been, I will be successful in any endeavor. My statement of purpose may be summarized by the following sentence. My intentions are to attend the University of Texas at Austin, graduate with honors, and be accepted to their school of law. That is my purpose.

^We understand your intentions. But, what is your purpose of applying. You just say what you would like to happen. However, you need to address the purpose aspect. What purpose is there attending UT, and perhaps you can discuss how this purpose is meaningful and useful to you..

Undergraduate / Re-admission appeal statement (Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance) [10]

Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance:

Upon entering the university I found the freedom of living on my own and unfortunately, I used it to distract myself from my study at UCSD.

^You can make the first clause more concise. 'As a University student, I was living on my own and found freedom. However, this freedom did not necessarily prove fruitful, as it became a distraction from my studies at UCSD.

I became deeply attached to computer gaming that consumed time needed for studying and as a result my grades suffered over the two years I attended the university.

^A bit wordy with no commas or full stops.
I became deeply attached to computer gaming. This consumed time that was needed for studying. Subsequently, my grades suffered over the two years I attended the University.

During the second year I isolated myself completely from my roommates as I delved into the online game World of Warcraft.
^I am not sure if 'delve' is the correct word.
My suggestion: as I delved in the online world of fantasy and witchcraft;(maybe link with next sentence)World of Warcraft made me lose interest as well as focus in my classes.

When the problem started it my roommates attempted to help but I ignored their advice because I thought I can solve it on my own.

^The problem started it? Huh
'As the problem grew'?, my roommates tried to help but I ignored their advice because I thought I can solve it on my own.

*By the way, I thought you were living on your own? You mentioned that in your opening sentence..

After receiving the first academic probation at the end of first academic year, I improved my grades for one semester and then completely disregarded studying. When it was obvious that I couldn't fight my addiction I should have sought counseling but I didn't.

^Confirm if 'didnt' will be approved of. However I would suggest just sticking to the good old 'did not'.

The result of all this is that I drove myself further and further from excelling in education and eventually resulting in my dismissal.
^You drove yourself further and further 'away' from excelling in education, WHICH eventually resulted in your dismissal.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]

I grasped tightly onto her scarlet sweater, both eyes bathed in tears, howling and kicking to dodge the four-legged creature

^I still think that by mentioning your grandmother first, as well as having 'grasped tightly', it sounds as if the 'four legged creature' you are trying to dodge is your grandma.

Whilst it is common sense that it it the lizard, your grammar suggests otherwise?
Am I the only one who sees that?

Undergraduate / Show how my university studies affect my career future? [11]

Studying Business Administration at the University of the People would foremost support
'firstly provide me the '
valuable theoretical foundation and deep understanding of the
'that is required to understand and enlighten myself on principles of business and economics'
which are necessary to work effectively in this field.
^Once again, what field are you referring to? Business or Economics? Or Business Administration?

I had thought practical experience as an important factor [for the success in the future work.
^I thought
experience was
to be successful at work.

Thus, instead of focusing on study, I spent almost my time on the part-time jobs.
^you either spend none of, all, or some of your time. Choose whichever one appropriately however I think the word you are looking for it 'most'

However in such a competitive society, only with profound specialist knowledge, you might stand out the other candidates and get a chance to achieve a favourable position in your professional life.

^
you? not the appropriate pronoun. The Admissions Counselor may not want to know that he needs profound specialist knowledge. Therefore, replace 'you' with 'one'. remove the comma and say 'can one stand out amongst other candidates in order to attain a favorable position in his/her professional life'.

In regards to the point you made, I am not sure if it is true however if you firmly believe in this point and want it to remain on your application, then leave it there.

Basically, the good way to acquire this knowledge is from an advanced education.
*replace 'the' with a

I thereby believe that four years of assiduous study at the University of the People would make me be sufficiently competitive and capable in business field.

^if it is very competitive, do you want to be 'just competitive' or more competitive??

Besides, in order to succeed in this era, it is necessary to exploit the infinite powerful of digital networks and social softwares as well as to become competent at English. As a result, it is certain that the study process at the University of the People would be a valuable experience for me to get expert at both IT and English skills.

^as during my course of study, my IT and English skills can develop themselves as well, both of which serve useful purposes in professional fields.

Moreover, the methodology of "learning by teaching, peer-to-peer teaching" not only encourages individuals in self-confidence, dynamism, communication skills but also creates a community where people help each other attain knowledge and get success.

*a community in which.

Through the University of the People, I would thus learn not only specialist knowledge but social skills and community spirit.
^can also develop my social skills and my community spirit.

Growing up in an undeveloped country, I understand how a lack of education is an impediment for people aiming to better their lives.
^
Having grown up
lol, the part after the comma was my contribution! yay

Although I have cherished the dream to study at an internationally qualified school, I cannot afford it because of its expensive tuition fee. Therefore the University of the People will open an opportunity for my dream to come true.

^You dreamt of studying at an internationally qualified school.
Is University of the People internationally recognised, beacause you say that its a dream.
-To be honest, I do not quite get the internationally recognised thing here.
See if you can omit it entirely, because if the University of People is not internationally recognised, it kind of shows how you are only applying there because you had no other choice. If it is internationally recognised, then you should not mention how you wanted to study elsewhere, because these Admission Counselors want to hear how you genuinely want to study at their respective Univeristies.

I believe that this university by its provision of the affordable education will help create more job opportunities to all of people and therefore, help make a new more equal and prosperous world.

^help make a new, more equal and prosperous world.

In case of a student of the University of the People, my future is to become an Uopeople's volunteer to help the school complete its lofty mission as "a free university for students all over the world". Especially, I dream of helping thousands of Vietnamese come to study at the University of the People so that they could get qualified and change their lives.

Well I hope my contributions are meaningful. Good luck