Undergraduate / A resilient person - UBC Personal Profile [3]

Remove the first person reference paragraph at the start of this statement. Since it is character sensitive, you should not waste your time with redundant messaging and information. Do not use first person references throughout this essay. These points of view must come from a neutral side / second / third person point of view. This is the interview that the reviewer will be conducting of these people regarding your good moral character and conduct as a person. You should not be describing yourself in the essay. The reference to how your family describes you must be corrected in totality because you are over doing the paragraph, since you are writing from your personal point of view.

Undergraduate / VEX robot - University of Toronto Computer Science Supplemental Question [3]

Be direct to the point when writing a response essay statement with a highly limited word count. Words such as heated debate can be avoided because the outcome was a failure for your group anyway. Discuss from an after competition perspective. Explain how you became the leader of the group. Develop the discussion from there and create a semblance of team participation under your guidance. That is sorely missing in this version and makes it appear like you were a dictator in the group, not allowing the group to develop as a team, but serving only as your minions. Review the questions provided as well. You failed to answer several points because of the incorrect response development.

Letters / Motivation for PhD: Research Academic Journey [2]


Be specific about the type of research that you wish to pursue and what sort of researcher you hope to become. There are several types of research positions available depending upon the field so you may want to better focus your goals towards something the reviewer can keep in mind as he reads your paper.


Discuss your research background and history instead. Focus on the simple college thesis that you wrote, which hopefully translated into a continuing research for your masters thesis, and hopefully, will come full circle with your PhD dissertation.


What might your dissertation topic be about that motivated you to continue to study a PhD? How does it affect your professional outlook?

Writing Feedback / Many museums and historical sites are mainly visited [2]

The response is too short and will receive word count deductions. You are not even close to the 250 minum word requirement. You are not going to pass the task 2 test. The reasons for the failing score will be based on missing word number and, based on the TA requirements, an unclear writer's opinion and under developed discussion presentation. Basically, your writing skills will be considered insufficient when considering your written response. You only have a working draft presented here. This will not be considered a complete response during the actual test. That is because each paragraph is lacking in explanation, substance, and proper examples. You need to write at least 275 words if you want to have your writing skills properly scored and assessed.

Letters / Motivation Letter for MSc in Applied Physic at TU Delft [2]



These apply to your research experience, which does not factor into the motivation statement when compared to the requirements for the writing. You should focus only on responding to the questions being asked, focusing on your thesis research, but incorporating it into clear responses for the given questions and requirements. Therefore, you can safely keep the first paragraph and the 5th paragraph in relation to the prompt responses. The 6th paragraph should be revised to become the opening statement. Never offer information that the reviewer does not require. He will not consider those information in the overall discussion of your application. So do not waste the word count. Instead, focus on strongly integrating aspects of what should be separate responses into a single, comprehensive answer to the listed questions and requirements.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Embedded System Design in Hochschule Bremerhaven [3]


Please do not be excited to apply. It removes the professionalism of your presentation and makes the intent seem very amateur.


This is supposed to be the focused motivational statement. Yet you produced a generic, directionless, and irrelevant motivation presentation. Focus on a single academic path that you wish you pursue in relation to your target professional goal upon your return to the workplace.


Why? Give a workplace reason that fueled this passion. Without justification, you will not convince the reviewer.


What is the biggest professional goal then? What impact do you want to leave? These are all intention that you know the reviewer wants to hear about, but you cannot really justify.

Writing Feedback / Should High school education be mandatory? [2]

As a task 2 essay of only 200 words, you can expect to gain an automatic failing score for this essay. The cause of the failure will not be so much the discussion, as it is the percentage points deductions that will be applied for the missing 50 words. When the essay falls so short of the minimum 250 word count, there is no way it can gain a passing score since the preliminary TA score will already be a failing one. Then, if we add the other deductions for other scoring considerations, it will appear that the essay was never going to pass in the first place. If you do not write 250 words as a draft, and improve upon it by increasing the word count and quality of writing, then you should not expect to pass this test.

Research Papers / The Fifth Circuit Court Decision on United States v Smith [2]


The thesis statement was immediately presented in the first paragraph of the essay without any regard for a background presentaiton. The introduction to privacy rules and how these companies often skirt the rules to be able to own the private information of individuals is an important factor to make the readers aware of before asking the question about who really owns the information that is submitted to them when we sign up for services, trial periods, or free items online and in person.

Discussions that count the information being discussed in each paragraph should be avoided in these academically researched presentations. The format should follow the free flowing discussion style wherein transitions sentences, phrases, and paragraphs are normally used to help usher in the next discussion topic. Simply counting the paragraphs and telling the reader what will be discussed does not accomplish and accurate next topic introduction nor properly connect one paragraph to the next.

Undergraduate / Varsity basketball team (responding to a problem) - UBC SAUDER SCHOOL OF BUSINESS [2]

This is a very interesting presentation. This is one of the few times that I have come across this prompt that was responded to via a sports analogy. It actually works quite well, even for a reader who is not familiar with the sport of basketball. You have created an interesting response here. The lesson you learned is quite clear in relation to the unfamiliar situation. It would have been nice to read about how the girls improved their game after the one on one session with you. That way the results of your adjustments to the situation would be more highlighted. This would allow the lesson that you learned to come across even more strongly to the reader.

Undergraduate / Mind Chatter (Common App) [3]

The presentation is a bit confusing when it comes to the timeline. You need to draft the essay again. This time, use a chronological order of events in your draft. Use bullet points rather than paragraphs for the time being. Make sure the draft is in the correct order of occurrence. That way you can properly write the essay in a manner that the reader will be able to follow and understand. The essay feels like it is jumping around right now, without a real focus. Try to use a proper introduction to the subject. Explain why it took a month to reach your homeland by boat. Why were you traveling by boat in the first place? Consider the clarity of your presentation so that the lessons you learned will be more relevant and understood.

Undergraduate / Entrepreneurial aspirations - Keio PEARL 2025 Admission : Academic and Future Plans [2]


These are 2 separate essays that should be submitted to the system. You should not be combining them into one essay since the document requirements indicate that you have to write these separately. Why? The essays have 2 different focus points. Each point requires a full explanation up to the maximum allowable word count. This is your oral interview, keep it clear and easy to follow.

What I see as the major weakness in this essay is that you do not have a representation of your exposure to Economics in the context of the program. You do not indicate if you have a STEM or mathematical background which will help you succeed in this program. Your exposure is superficial and lacking in the proper academic reference points.

Writing Feedback / How family courts are failing domestic violence survivors and their families. [2]

Wow! You are opening with a very strong argumentative opinion here. You obviously feel so strongly about the topic that you completely forgot to create a proper introduction, thesis statement, and opinion regarding the topic. You should be saving the strong opinion in this paragraph for the 2nd paragraph. It is not a proper opening statement. There should not be any references or citations in the first paragraph since that is just the establishing discussion section. This opinion presentation should be moved to the next paragraph or 2nd paragraphs. Establish the background and your thesis statement first. Good job presenting your personal point of view after the in-text citations. It shows a clear insight into your understanding of the information you have just researched and presented to the reader.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile - who you are. "I care deeply" [2]

For the first part of this response essay, you should avoid using the first person pronoun in the discussion. That is because you should be presenting the information from a detached point of view. That means, you do not discuss your opinion of other people about you. Instead, you focus on the what and why they view you in a certain manner. This is not about what you think about their opinion of you, but an open presentation of how other people view you beyond how you see yourself as a member of the family, friends, and community. Those are actually very little developed in this presentation. It should be more insightful so that you can discuss what you are most proud of about yourself, based upon the combined opinions of these people.

Undergraduate / Success - What is important to you? Why? - Personal Profile [3]

I would change the focus of this essay response from success to self growth. The actual discussion is all about how an event in your life led to a realization that self worth and growth is more important than success. So while you can still discuss success as a part of your response, the essay will be better aligned to your majority discussion in relation to self growth and self worth. The essay is all about your realization that success is not as important as the development that you undergo as a person when you do not achieve success. Review the essay that you wrote and you will realize that your response is not related to how success is important to you.

Undergraduate / surprised by how much you learned - UOFT ONE IDEA ESSAY ARCHITCTURE [2]

The first paragraph needs to be heavily tweaked. Since you are referencing how you developed a love for ocean research, you should avoid referencing "growing up". Instead, you should avoid referencing an age group or age range. Be generic. Do not be specific about the when because it makes the when and how hard to believe. A child does not have the capacity to research this sort of field or topic.


What fields did you explore? How did the activities lead to more inspiration on your part? The paper is a bit too general in representation for the most part. What you have to do is add more specifics. Remember, you have 600 words to use and this is your written interview. So specifics are important if the reviewer is to get a better idea of how you gained the knowledge that has prepared you for this course

Writing Feedback / People would always choose a life without work rather than working most of the time. Agree/ disagree [2]

The prompt restatement is confusing. You seem to have suddenly changed the information presentation in the first sentence. Almost as if there are 2 separate ideas that you tried to represent in one sentence. That created a confusing prompt restatement. It will definitely lead the paragraph to gain a failed TA and C+C, as well as, a failed GRA score in the preliminary consideration. The confusing presentation did not help bring clarity and strength to your personal opinion sentence. Since you have accurately indicated that you have a single opinion for this presentation, as it required by the official discussion format, you will receive a failed essay score because you decided to support both opinions in your discussion section. The expectation is that you will convince the reader that your opinion is correct by presenting 2 supporting discussion paragraphs. Since you opposed your own opinion, you will then get an overall score in the TA section that considers how your opinion is now unclear to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Free theme narrative story (Grim of the schools) [2]

The dialogue is wooden in nature. It is not natural sounding nor does it come across as everyday discussion representations, which narrative stories are expected to do. You may want to familiarize yourself with the everyday tone of English communication before you try to write a narrative with dialogue in it. Since you are just doing this as a hobby, I urge you to read the English greats like Edgar Allan Poe, Emily Bronte, and, from more recent times, JK Rowling. Your writing is actually confused because you have to decide what era of writing you want to use. Will it be historical or modern? Your words / vocabulary choices make the overall narrative uncomfortable to read.

Writing Feedback / Talent vs hard wordk - IELTS 2 [3]


You should have skipped this mention in this sentence because it created a redundancy in the succeeding sentence where you presented the same idea, in a clearer manner. You must subscribe to the English writing rule of thumb which is one idea should be presented in every sentence.


Just like the previous sentences, your opinion sentence should close the paragraph with a simple thesis statement to support your opinion, even though it aligns with a previous statement from the original prompt.


You cannot use your personal point of view immediately. You have to represent an explanation of the public opinion that you are supporting first. That way you can create a stand alone, but strong paragraph that ties in your opinion with the public opinion.

The conclusion is incorrectly presented. You need to use 2 sentences with at least 40 words that represent the reverse paraphrase of the preceding discussion.

Research Papers / Legal Abortion with Limits: Balancing Choice and Responsibility [2]

The essay needs to have a more interesting backgrounder. The issue of abortion must be presented from both sides in the introduction. What does the pro side believe? What does the con side believe? What are the simple basis for their beliefs? Don't use single sentence references. Build it up a bit. Then, going towards the end of the paragraph, create a clear and understandable thesis statement. The essay cannot be based on the confusing premise that this is a legal debate. There needs to be a more solid reference point for your research paper. The coverage is kind of broad, creating a long, but less than highly informative paper in the process.

Research Papers / Research Paper Families with Disabilities Support [2]


Since there are several forms of disability that exist among children, the essay should do one of two things. Either enumerate the types of disabilities that families experience or, bring the focus towards a specific type of disability. Is this essay about mental, emotional, intellectual, or physical disability (to name a few)? By focusing on a specific disability from the start, the essay will develop a thesis statement clarity that is a bot confusing to figure out at this time.


In relation to what form of disability? There are improvements on all fronts so there has to be a focus on the kind of disability that you are referring to. Throughout the essay, it appears that only you understand the type of disability that you are discussing, with the expectation that the reader knows or can figure out which disability you are talking about, by default.

Undergraduate / Smiles After Tears - common app essay [4]

The essay is confusing. Are you the battered person being spoken of? Or, is it someone else? The narration needs more clarity. You are trying so hard to be dramatic int he presentation and to tug on the heart strings of the reader that you forgot the importance of clarity in the narration. You need to focus the story properly. Create a a proper character description, situation build up, and reference to personal experiences or insights. The essay is trying to answer the prompt about witnessing something and what you did about it right? I am not sure of the actual prompt but the narrative leads me to believe that this is what you are responding to. Therefore, you must build up the background of the character you are speaking of in relation to you. Who is this person and why was it important for you to help her?

Undergraduate / "Strumming: My Journey in Music" - Common App Personal Essay [3]

It is actually difficult to review the essay because you only refer to a common app prompt, without telling me what the prompt you are responding to is. Different prompts have different narrative approaches. I cannot tell what the theme of your response should be and what the actual highlights should be without that guide question or writing reference. If I were to base everything on a simple understanding of your writing, you are simply trying to relate the development of your interest in a specific music genre based on a series of music exposures. It sounds to me like you are focused on discussing your chosen undergraduate major with this writing, If so, then you are doing yourself a disservice in this case. The common app prompts act as your written interview that should help the reviewer get to know you beyond your course of interest. This was your opportunity to discuss something about yourself that would have been of interest to him as a vital consideration of your ability to be a member of the student community. I do not see that happening with this essay.

Research Papers / Effects of High Prescription drug Prices in the U.S. [2]

Too much space in the paper was dedicated to the history of the high cost of prescription drugs. While this is something that should be established in the presentation, it should not take more than a paragraph to present itself to the reader. The focus of the paper must be on the solutions as required by the discussion prompt. You have to focus on the actual topic for discussion for the majority of the paper. If you review the presentation, you will see that the history covers more than half of the presentation while only a small space was left to discuss the possible solutions to the problem. The paper should be presenting a concentration of short, mid, and long term solutions instead.

Writing Feedback / Mindset for IELTS 1 (Describing maps, p.34) [2]

The summary overview is a little bit inaccurate. The map shows that the 2 versions represent the layout from 2005 and from the present time. Therefore, the years indicative should have been mentioned for information separation and clarity. The way you represented it will result in point deductions due to improper time line representation.

An academic paragraph is composed of at least 3 sentences. The second paragraph has only 1 run on sentence in it. The problem is that your ideas are compressed into one sentence. The rule of thumb is that you have to present 1 idea per sentence, resulting in a more complete and understandable paragraph format and representation.

Do no over represent the information in a single paragraph. You need to learn how to spread out the information within the 3-4 paragraph allowance of the task 2 essay. You may write up to 200 words for this type of essay.

Undergraduate / PERSONAL STATEMENT REVIEW: Keio University's PEARL program 2025 Fall Admission [3]

There are 2 essays that you must submit to Pearl for consideration, both at 250 words maximum each. These essays are the Academic background and brief introduction and the written statement of the applicant's academic and future goals. You have accidentally combined these 2 essays in this current version that has over 1000 words in it. There is a need for you to edit the content of this essay. Place the information under the correct essay form as a new draft for finalization. I cannot help you edit the content right now because of this situation with your information. It is best that you clarify the information first in relation to the separate online essay submission requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - Bar Chart (Weekly Income Change Over Time) [3]

The essay is not within the magic number of 175 words that could probably help stave off any GRA and LR deductions that will be applied to this analytical report. There are several grammar problems in the presentation that will result in deductions in the areas previously mentioned. You need to write between 175-200 words to help keep those deductions at bay.

The actual body of paragraphs need to be longer in order to sound less robotic. I can suggest that you write 3 sentences per paragraph so that you can offer a more insightful and human sounding analysis of the given image. Other than these 2 observations, you actually did an acceptable job at analyzing and reporting the image to the reader.

Letters / Improve my Motivation Letter for Masters in Environmental Engineering [2]


The reviewer reads over a thousand applications that have students claiming to have experienced one thing or another. What he is looking for is evidence of how these life experiences affected your decision to pursue this course and career path. So rather than being generic, get personal with your implication. How did the severe weather conditions affect you directly?


Published when and where? These are claims that could help establish your motivations. Prove a desire to continue these research as a masters student.


Actually, your leadership experience is not that dynamic. It is actually not directly related to the masters course you want to study so it is not as strong a reference point as it should be. If you have some leadership skills that relate to the environment, you should be able to prodice a more interesting and related leadership skill presentation.

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE - MASTER IN LOGISTICS AND SUPPLY CHAIN MANAGEMENT [4]

The response sounds like you are still focused on academic development over a period of 5 years when you are actually expected to have a discussion about your career path from the time of graduation, to the end career goal for yourself during your 5th year post studies. You clearly do not have a well thought out career plan and most certainly do not have a believable way of achieving it since you are academic focused throughout the essay. I would revise this essay to be profession based instead. You had a good start in the first paragraph where you spoke of working with industrial partners of your Vietnam based company. That was a good start, focus on further developing ideas in relation to that, covering a period of 5 years.

Letters / Civil Engineering - Motivation Letter for ETH Zurich Master's Application [2]

The weakness of this essay lies in how you do not really portray your strengths as a researcher and developer of projects and programs that relate to this field. Students are fond of citing an "alignment of goals", without clearly referring to what these are. Your alignment cannot be in perfect synchronicity with the academic program. They may be some similarities, and that is there your foindation for your application should lie.

As you are citing a specific international conference for your study and research presentation, you must cite the event title, where it was done, and when. This is for the confirmation of the reviewer who will be left wondering as to the validity of your claim. There are some information that he has to verify for himself. Be as specific as you can when mentioning accomplishments and publications.

Letters / Review my PhD motivation letter for aligned LLM companions [2]


Since you were part of a research and development team, you cannot claim to be the single developer of this program. It is important that you use this experience to highlight your role in the team and also, how you helped to bolster the team dynamic during the software development. You have to make sure to put a spotlight on this because of the requirement of the program requirements.


What was your role as a co-founder? Explain how you participated in the company keeping in mind the relevant skills and abilities required by the program.


You are making a general assumption that may or may not help your application. You do not have any real idea as to the status of the current research and how they expect the candidate to participate. Limit these assumptions and suggestions. Focus instead on your own research experience as evidence of what you can bring to the team.

Writing Feedback / Free theme narrative story (THE RED JUICE) [2]

A narrative story is usually written from a personal perspective and uses the first person pronoun for the most part. It is easier to write from that point of view because it avoids the need to write the description of characters as you introduce the protagonist in the story. Using the current format that you have, there is an expectation that you will describe how the main and secondary characters look at the start, then the set up of the scene through a description to set the tone, and so on and so forth.

There is a lack of proper story build up in this situation. It is as if an AI wrote the story for you. It is devoid of proper story development and character personification. It does not really present a well developed storyline. It should be more interesting since you are trying to write about characters that you imagined and situations that you designed to tell the story. It is not very interesting at this point.

Graduate / Personal Statement Review : Masters in Accounting and Finance [2]



These references to childhood influences should be used only for college Accounting major applications. You must go beyond such amateur references in your masters application. The influences that you should be discussing must relate to profession experience related situations and influences already. That is because you are expected to have already been exposed to real world and work problem scenarios that require advanced skills to solve.


The reviewer is not interested in this information. You are oversharing information that is not really helpful to your application. I know this is a personal statement, but you have to know where to draw the line. Personal information like this and early influences do not matter so much in terms of application consideration.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - The unlimited use of cars may cause many problems. What are those problems? [2]


This is your personal opinion as the writer of the opinion paper. Therefore, it cannot be mixed into the original topic restatement. You may include this in your writer's opinion + thesis statement presentation in the first paragraph though.


This paragraph cannot receive a passing preliminary TA score because of the missing thesis statement that should have been presented as summarized responses to the given writing guide / questions. Deductions will be applied because of your failure to reference summarized responses to the questions provided.

The solutions paragraph is lacking in content. You became focused on only one aspect of the previous problem presentation. A solution must be provided for each problem that you previously referenced in order to make the solutions paragraph a proper representation of the solutions to the problems you posed.

The reverse paraphrase is lacking. You need to present a different version of the topic for discussion as the first sentence before you summarize the rest of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Physical Education should remain in schools [2]


Since you are dabbling in the history of Physical Education, you should go to the start of the program on a historical basis. Start with the history of the subject, all the way to who brought physical education to the US educational system. The current presentation has loopholes that will leave the reader confused about the center of the paragraph.


Improve this thesis statement by reformatting the presentation. You could say something more appropriate such as "Based upon these historical facts and considerations Physical Education should..."


When you provided information in quotation marks, you are expected to reference the orogonal source of the information using the correct writing format (MLA, APA, Chicago, etc.). Without the proper citation reference, the information will be considered invalid and will also as plagiarized should a plagiarism scan be performed on your paper.

Graduate / SOP review for masters in data science at CMU [2]


This is actually a negative statement in the eyes of the reviewer. This is not something you would want to under as what he might take away from it is a lack of interest in your part and an incorrect desire to pursue this course.


There is too much incorrect personal information sharing in this statement. Focus on sharing information about your progress career influence as the influence factors. A masters degree student should be more influence but his career experience and forward thinking career goals, with a desire too make a marked contribution to the field.


Revise the presentation to make this your eye catching opening statement instead. This paragraph creates the strong professional anchor that the current version sorely lacks.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - UCSD - Cognitive Science PhD Application [2]


This does not matter. What matters to them will be the mirroring of your research with the professors. If you wish to join her team to learn from her, then you must prove an alignment of research studies, goals, or results, similar interests means nothing in this case.


Actually, since you are applying for PhD admission, you should be more focused on convincing the reviewers that you have a continuous study in relation to languages and cognitive science. How you got into the line of study and your childhood realizations do not factor into this anymore because you are already an advanced learner and a highly skilled professional by this point. Be more focused on convincing them that your purpose for study has more to do with your PhD dissertation more than anything else.

Undergraduate / My journey through athletics - UBC - Tell us about who you are [2]

The students who respond to this prompt always make this common mistake. They always write from their personal perspective rather than the perspective of their parents, friends, and community members. The first half of this essay should be answered using 2nd or 3rd person pronoun descriptors. These should be information coming from people who are describing you to a stranger, which is what a reviewer is. A stranger who wants to learn what character traits these community members find positive or negative about you. It is only in the final part, "What are you most proud of?" based upon the previous statements made by these members, that you can refer to yourself in the first person, in relation to the character trait that you value the most and can exemplify in the best manner in the essay.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - MS in Computer Science at EPFL [2]

The introduction does not set the stage for your interest in Ms Computer Science. You need to revise the very first paragraph. It simply does not make any sense. It does not establish any context of note. It does not move the essay forward. It needs to connect the boring experiences with your interest in cloud technology and AI.

Don't just enumerate the courses and their curriculum descriptions. The reviewer already knows that information. You have to show how you will apply these course studies in your actual profession. That is the main information that the reviewer will be looking for, the connection between what the course offers and how it will help you withing your workplace.

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE – M.S. SAFETY ENGINEERING, XXX UNIVERSITY [2]


It will catch the reveiwer's attention better if you open with a narrative about a similar catastrophe that took place in your country which could have served as your awakening in relation to the importance of safety engineering.


There is no interest in what courses you studied in the manner that you presented. It would be better if you could narrate your thesis topic instead, with a focus on the type of research that you had to do so you can prove that you have the background to complete a masters degree thesis and that you can work with minimal supervision.


This is the paragraph that you should use as your opening statement.

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE - MASTER IN LOGISTICS AND SUPPLY CHAIN MANAGEMENT [4]

There should be a justification between your shortcomings as a supply chain manager and the courses that you will be studying. The academic information you present is not information relevant to your career. These are merely descriptions of the course curriculum. If you cannot align the curriculum with your academic and professional goals, then you have not properly responded to the prompt. Think about your undergraduate courses and why these failed to prepare you for the demands of your job. Then discuss the part of the job that you find challenging, which you hope to address by completing these advanced studies. One academic weakness = one specific subject of study from the course.

As far as contributions go, you seem to have misunderstood what is expected of you as a student. You must indicate some areas of expertise on your part, in relation to supply chain management wherein you can impart your knowledge and experience to your classmates. You must be able to show a strong professional foundation in this aspect should your academic preparation be weak.