Essays / How to start a SOP Essay for Communication Design Graduate at Pratt? [4]


I disagree! I think they are related in a fascinating way, and you could make that the theme for your essay. I really, really believe that the key to making it interesting and memorable is to have a THEME that you introduce at the start and remind them of again at the end.

So, if you had to explain your interest in communication design IN ONE SENTENCE, what would that sentence be?
Maybe there is even a single word that perfectly expresses your way of thinking about communication design.

Make your theme so sharp and poignant that it stabs like a spear!

Book Reports / Louis Riel is a villain and is guilty of treason. [4]

This is not a site where we can get other people to do our work for us. Put some effort into writing a discussion about it, and also help some other people with their work.

Forgive me if I am judging you prematurely, but it seems like you are trying to get through the work without having to use effort. EssayForum is a place to apply extra effort, not a place to avoid applying effort.

Start by searching your school database for "Louis Riel" and the word "treason."

If you have soe confidence about your ability as a scholar, you can read an article from the database and it will be even better than anything we can tell you. Then, you can cite the scholarly article when you give your explanation of how he was tried and found guilty.

Good luck! I'm glad you are participating here.

Writing Feedback / fossil fuel energy, "The Power and the Glory" [7]


One way to rewrite it to mean what you want it to mean is with the word "thus"
Thus, the political and economic factors at work are easy to understand.

That is how I would write it. :-)

Writing Feedback / fossil fuel energy, "The Power and the Glory" [7]


One way to rewrite it to mean what you want it to mean is with the word "thus"
Thus, the political and economic factors at work are easy to understand.

That is how I would write it. :-)

Essays / Personal, Persuasive and Research essays - struggling to write them [4]


Write like this:
One paragraph = about 4 or 5 sentences.
One paragraph = about 100 words.

Each paragraph has a topic sentence that tells the paragraph's main idea.
One paragraph = one idea.

That means you need 8 ideas! 8 ideas = 800 words, and they should be expressed in 8 body paragraphs between the intro paragraph and the conclusion paragraph.

you will write 10 paragraphs for a total of 1,000 words.

Now, what are your 8 ideas? Write a sentence about each. Then, develop each sentence into a 100-word paragraph. These 8 ideas must all support ONE BIG IDEA that is the theme for the essay.

:-) I can't wait to see it!

Explore Essay Forum for more advice.

Scholarship / Rhio O'Connor's Story, My Story about life and death [4]

These kinds of Unfortunate people such as Rhio O'Connor who are left in the pity of their fate...

It is not motivated by a fear of dying, but by his love of life.

I think you should cut out this flamboyant part:
Back to Cell Regeneration Method! When we get rid of ...

I'm one hundred percent positive ...

Fortunately, I have never been sick since 1979 except once (after my vacation. It was my fault, actually). I think it is because I believe in our intelligent brain and I take care of Him, and reciprocally He takes care of my body.

This is very enjoyable to read! You are writing very well in English; I hope you win the contest. As you revise, try to keep focusing onone memorable theme that will stick in the readers mind. People do not have good memories; you ned to express a profound, memorable idea in the first paragraph and then remind the reader about it again at the end.

:-)

Undergraduate / Qualities which were inspirational for me of a person . [3]

Keep the verb tense the same:
It's hard for me to think of anyone else other than my late father if I had have to write about ...

The greatest tribute to my late father would will be if I can follow...

no capital letter after a semi-colon:
He was a self made successful man; he achieved success in ...

As a result of his efforts, everyone who was entitled got promoted and had a salary raise, which they deserved. His staff and students were so ..

Research Papers / "how music effects math skills," what thesis statement for research paper [4]


That's because it makes no sense to make a general assertion about the effects of music on math skills. This is an example of an idea for a paper that involves too much...

Maybe you have seen some articles about classical music having positive effects on brain development. If this is where you got the idea, I suggest looking at the articles about classical music and add your own theme.

Make a unique contribution by suggesting an idea about rock music that is related to what researchers have said about classical music.

:-)

Undergraduate / School - the place where I like to visit again and again and still has influence on me [6]

I like to trim away unnecessary words to make the writing more concentrated:

I feel our first school is the place from where we begin our journey of life.

Not only I got not only our basic lessons, but also lessons in various aspects of life: History, Science, Math...

This is all why I feel that my first school and my teachers still has have influence on me.

:-)

Dissertations / PHD in Datawarehousing and Business Intelligence [3]


Yes, that is what makes it so complicated. Well, to be honest, you are probably more qualified than I am to make such a recommendation, because this is not my field. Please provide the names of a few relevant articles you have recently read about this subject -- and make sure the articles are no more than 2 years old.

If you do that, I may be able to help you. Always look in the introductions of your articles to see what they say about other recent work that has been done. That is how to determine the best things to do as a scholar for the enhancement of the field.

:-)

Undergraduate / Appeal for admission to SMU as a polytechnic student [5]

I wish to thank you for taking the time to...
hmmm... actually, I was going to suggest cutting out those words, but I think you should leave them in:
I wish to thank you for taking the time to...
That is a nice beginning.

Check for little things like capitalization:
and I have learned from my mistakes. I was overwhelmed by the workload and I did ...

Also, it is usually best to get rid of the word "very"
I have a very keen interest in experiencing ...

:-)

Book Reports / The lottery shirley jackson (first body unfinished, where to start next?) [3]

All you need is one more sentence in that paragraph. Add a sentence to reaffirm the main idea, which is that people all follow. Add a sentence to show that the events of the story support your main idea for that paragraph: here warning about unthinkingly following a group.

You should use a dash to connect these two sentences as one:
According to her, while individuals may be great, a group of people is another animal -- an animal that eats its own.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "She pulls the knife out..." - Short Story Help [4]

Don't switch verb tense:
She stabbed Liam in the stomach. Liam was yelling...

Yes, you certainly seem to understand that concept: show, don't tell. Very good!

Here is that sae tense problem again:
Miley opened the door to her house this time she came with some man. The man is was in his 20s. His white-collar shirt was barely keeping his arms in; he had dark black hair, brown eyes, tan color skin, and stood about 6 ft tall. He also had a...

I also added an action verb "stood." As you "show" instead of telling, you should also use action verbs when you can.

:-) This story is indeed full of good imagery and action verbs.

Writing Feedback / Sex Education In Schools and Colleges Is A Must. [2]

Pathetic is a word that seems judgmental, so it is better without it:
...It indeed is the pathetic plight of these patients ...

The first paragraph is too short:
...to spread the awareness about the same.(after this sentence, do not end the first paragraph right away. Instead, add one or two more sentences to tell what the main idea of your essay will be.)

Here is an idea for improving this sentence:
This is the method that I feel will be effective for enabling the youth to learn about SEX as a matter of knowledge, rather than by experimenting.

The conclusion paragraph is too short, too! You need some more sentences to convince the reader to accept your argument. Reflect on what changes will take place in the world if sex ed. is mandatory. Add some sentences to that last paragraph so that the reader will remeber some key ideas.

:-)

Essays / Evaluations essay on a skills dvd - how to start it? [3]

It sounds tough. This is the kind of essay that is difficult if you do not know exactly what your purpose is. Are you really sincere about evaluating yourself? If so, list several criteria for evaluation.

When you look at each criterion, rate yourself from one to ten and write a paragraph about it. When you put the paragraphs together, and each paragraph has a number from one to ten, it will be a solid evaluation!

When you have several paragraphs, go back and write the intro.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "beauty" and "travelling" [2]


You are saying 2 different things here. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so the way we look depends on the ideas of the people looking at us.

But then it is different to say that it is what is on the inside that counts, because that is suggesting a definition for beauty that involves abstract concepts like "inner beauty" vs. "outer beauty"... and this is a valid idea, but it is not the same as the idea about the eye of the beholder.

:-)

Poetry / Chaos Into Fourteen Lines + Catch - Compareing and Contrasting two Poems [3]

Great advice! You can also start with a cluster of ideas -- what are the points of comparison that come to mind for you? Name 3 points of comparison as fast as you can! Whatever they are, write a paragraph about each.

Give each paragraph a good topic sentence, and then consider them altogether to see what the main theme of your essay is.

You compare these 2 poems, and a certain theme emerges to form your essay!

:-)

Also, google the title of one of the poems with the author's last nae and the word 'analysis'
then do the same for the other poem. Usually there are good analyses online for any poem you can think of.

:-)

Writing Feedback / My research assignment on binge drinking and the health effects, review request [12]

I'm sorry, I think I'm misunderstanding you! Please tell me which sentence you are talking about. Are you asking for an idea about how to improve the clarity of a sentence?

Undergraduate / Reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence (two ideas, one to pick) [6]


This seems disingenuous. The teachers should keep extensive notes about your accomplishments and activities. They should be experts on you and should not need you to write the material to be included in their letters of recommendation.

when you do a quote, use a comma instead of a period:
I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward," sai d Thomas Edison.

Okay, your writing is very nice; it shows your intelligence! I think, though, that you should focus on filling it with as many accomplishments as possible. I don't think this is very useful: "I got in ----- Magnet school where I'm a junior now."--- it is too obvious, not useful for the recommendation letter.

Write as many inspirational and impressive points as you can -- your accomplishments, adversities you have overcome, and especially classes and teachers that profoundly influenced you.

:-)
Give them a lot of material so that they will write a good letter!

Undergraduate / About me in 10 years... | Temple University Transfer | Admission Essay [4]

Yeah, well it is a real art, like trimming Mr. Miyagi's Bonsai tree. Ha ha, maybe that is a bad example. But the point is that we should make our writing like something highly concentrated. Read Stephen King's On Writing.

:-)

Undergraduate / What are your career goals? (to obtain a bachelors degree) [3]

That is a great idea! I also was thinking about this:
...believe that the ABC scholarship is the opportunity I have been looking for and just what i need to be successful at my goals: to ________, to _________, and to __________.

Name specific goals!!!!
:-)

Student Talk / Strategy for Impressing Admissions Readers: Make up a new term or concept [15]

Here is an essay with a theme that I think cannot be beat: https://essayforum.com/graduate-4/msc-programme-support-career-development-answer-16642/

read this to learn how this person learned management skills while taking turns with siblings to miss school and support the family.

Graduate / MSc programme to support your career and personal development - how to answer it [8]

"Next year, you and I me miss school'', I reminded one of...


VERY very impressive!!!

...by an International company that specializes in IT education management solutions.

Although learning to manage was a way of survival in the camps, it has...---- another brilliant sentence. The premise of this essay is so excellent, and I really hope you achieve all that you set out to do.

I also trust that not only will the program diminish my weaknesses and improve my talents but also that I will also greatly benefit from...

Undergraduate / "to save people's life" - what are your goals [8]

Capitalize the first word of every sentence!

Do not write things that are obvious:
everyone in this world have different goal .

Shalini it is so nice of you to do this work to help Natacha.

Natacha, here is a sentence I'll write for you:
Knowing that, I decided to start to educate myself, and if I continue to work hard I will have a better career and indeed save people's lives.

:-)

Undergraduate / Building a Team - Personal Statement [3]

This essay really brought a smile to my face. I usually do not care too much for fancy use of detail and descriptive writing, but the imagery you use is really brilliant.

I am adding this to my collection so that other people can benefit.

But what is the POINT of the essay? I mean, I know you won, and it shows that you write very well, but at the end I need you to connect this experience to your goals for the near future, and to really make the reader see the change that happened. As you add material to the end, use some key words from the essay prompt so that you can show how you are responding to it.

:-)

Undergraduate / School - the place where I like to visit again and again and still has influence on me [6]

Therefore, my first school is the place where I like to visit again and again, and this place still has an influence on me.

I hope you will read the FIRST SENTENCE OF EVERY PARAGRAPH in your essay to figure out What is my main idea for the whole essay? Then, write a sentence that captures that idea, expressing the main idea in one sentence -- and add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph:

...like to visit again and again and still has an influence on me. (add thesis sentence here, and then end paragraph one)
(new paragraph)
Cherishing memories and ...

Dissertations / PhD Research Topic - HRM / OB / Employee [2]

Well, the way to make it "workable" is to make it useful It will only be useful if you add a new dimension that has not been covered before. The whole point is to show, in your introduction and lit review, that you see what ha recently been done in the field and you are taking steps to add something new based on the foundation of what other recent researchers have done.

It's just like walking into a room and listening to find out what the people are talking about and then adding your own insightful point.

Look at this recent article about employee engagement/withdrawal:
Comparative Effects of Race/ethnicity and Employee Engagement on Withdrawal Behavior.
by James R. Jones , Jinlan Ni , David C. Wilson

That is a good place to start.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Toefl ibt writing Q2: University classes attendance, requirement or option ? [3]

Great corrections, "name here"

Notice that "name here" added an apostrophe like this '
optional to enhance students' responsibility, to give them ...

One more way to improve is to list the three points at the nd of the first paragraph:
Following are supports r Reasons and examples to support my opinion include ______, ________, and ___________.

That way, at the end of the intro paragraph will be a list of the points you make in the three body paragraphs.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Happiness for my school leaving examination :) [4]

Here is a part that we can fix up a little:
Money, power, beauty, an expensive car, or a lovely relationship -- getting everything and more, we think we can achieve happiness. But now the question arises: Can happiness really be bought with money?

Here is another mistake:
I personally get joyous if I seize the day rather than just sitting at home and doing nothing.

:-)

Writing Feedback / My research assignment on binge drinking and the health effects, review request [12]

Yes, I think it is high quality. Some parts have room for improvement, like this:
The survey also revealed that respondents consume over the daily limit in order to socialize or feel good, while cheap alcohol and drink promotions are also factors .

The mistakes are only small ones.

Some sentences are perfectly written, and very impressive, like this:
For example, the questionnaires have shown that respondents have little knowledge that binge drinking can cause dementia or alcohol related pancreas.

Student Talk / Strategy for Impressing Admissions Readers: Make up a new term or concept [15]

This essay really impressed me quite a lot. It is another example of an essay that is of VERY high quality even though the writer may not be a native speaker of English. https://essayforum.com/undergraduate-2/service-beneficial-society-help-16843/

Undergraduate / to do a "Service" that would be beneficial for the society, Personal Essay Help [2]

Only use "an" if a vowel is coming up next.
an a year...

Separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence with a comma:
My summer vacation was going on at that time, and I was suggested that I should be going to my village to find someone like that.

Use a hyphen for year-old
At my village, I was introduced to an 8 year-old girl ...

I asked her parents whether they would have a problem if I taught their daughter, and with their permission I began teaching her how to read and write.

With very basic knowledge of writing, limited vocabulary and few spelling and grammatical mistakes, she made me drop a few tears from my eyes. ---- this is a beautiful part of the essay. You are doing very well. I am so glad we have people like you in the world.

This is perfect. I am going to add this essay to my collection of example essays to show other people how to write well. You will succeed in all that you do because you follow your heart instead of selfish ambitions. We need more people like you. Please check out

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Essays / If i have million dollars I would help these organizations... [4]

Hi Tashi,

If you will not read to practice the language, then you will not succeed in passing the test. Other students spend time reading, and their skill will improve. I hope you will write some sentences and let us try to correct them for you. That is the only way to learn.

Do you understand the question?
What would you do if you were given a million dollars? What organizations would you help? If you are too lazy to read, you probably do not even know about many organizations.

I would like to help you, but only if you will use some effort. Write an essay, and we will help you to identify your errors and improve your skill.

Dissertations / suggestions for Ph.D. in Datawarehousing and Datamining / computer science [2]

If you are a grad student studying computer science, it is absolute necessary for you to be able to name some topics in the field. I don't understand how a random list of topics could help someone with a special interest in the field; you must already have topics of interest to you.

All you need to do is read ONE article and you will see a Literature Review that describes many, many research topics and the result of the research that has been conducted.

Collect 3 articles that interest you, and read the lit review in each. You can search your school database for these terms:
"computer science" "literature review" (and one other term that interests you)

By reading recent literature reviews, you will be able to see what has been done and what remains to be done. You will see opportunities to contribute by using a research topic that is very useful at this particular time in the history of computer science.

Graduate / 'petrol on the burning fire' - Statement of interest for graduation M-Engg program [14]

Questions about what study and profession? If you have questions about the essay posted in this thread, feel free to ask them here. If you have questions about other subjects, such as "general writing questions," please start a new thread in the category that fits them best.

Whatever you have in mind, I look forward to discussing it! :-)

Writing Feedback / The Internet and Collegian Populace - checking the validity and soundness [6]

Awesome, you deserve it. This must have taken a lot of time and work.

Scholarship / Influential Person , Neila [6]

hahaha i am not a grammar stickler! You can't be a writer and also a stickler for grammar, not if you are serious about writing, grammar is necessary evil.


Strnk and White write that you should have a comma after every adjective when there are more than one... even if there are only 2. Hence, your "bright, sunny day" example.

But no, there's no reason to make one adjective into an adverb to modify the other adjective. You can use as many adjectives as you want to add some interest to that boring, stagnant, simplistic, complacent, socially inept, neurotic noun.

Book Reports / Life of Pi and The Yellow Wallpaper/The Metamorphosis Essay [9]

Yes, you can ask for help with any aspect of the process. We are all here to help each other.


It sounds like you need to include all three components in the introduction paragraph. You'll need to mention both works of literature and also the Marxist perspective. However, you should write the intro last, after you have written some body paragraphs.

Write a body paragraph that applies Marxist evaluation criteria to one of the works. How does it fare under this kind of scrutiny? Tell the reader all about it in a discussion based on the Marxist perspective.

Next, apply the same Marxist criteria to the other work. This will show some similarities and differences.

You can repeat this process with several different pieces of Marxist criteria. Page after page, Marxist criteria can be applied to each story, and similarities and differences will be revealed.

After several pages, you will have made some distinct observations, and your essay will be developing its own unique theme. That is when you should go back and write the introduction.

:-)

Undergraduate / Appeal for admission to SMU as a polytechnic student [5]

Inspiration.

As you look at the essay again an again each day, take note of any words or ideas that can really make the reader have a memorable experience -- so that your words can enable the reader to share in your moment of inspiration.

If you truly "have a very keen interest in experiencing life at this university," then you must have some distinct images in your mind that show what you will do to make your studies meaningful and effective. If you listen to the voice of the mind, you might come up with some inspirational phrases that are just as profound as anything spoken by Ghandi or Lincoln or Nelson Mandela or Thich Nhat Hanh.

:-)

Essays / Argument essay on homosexaul adoption [7]


ha ha, good point! The notion of proper female etiquette is an abomination, oppressive to our daughters! It should be eradicated as much as possible, so that true gender equality can exist. I guess that is a great reason to allow homosexual couples to adopt: it will help society shake free of oppressive traditions!