Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]


Yes, this is a disturbing (and rarely recognized) element of Indian history. In brief, desertification drove the patriarchal and pastoral proto-Indo-European people out of the steppes of Eastern Europe at about (my dates may be off here) 3,500 b.c.e. Some went West, conquering many of the peoples of what some scholars call Old Europe; others went South and then East, conquering the original Indus Valley civilization. The original, darker, peoples were enslaved (their descendants are the Dalit or "untouchables" of today) or displaced (their descendants are the "tribals" of today). The caste system and other elements of codified Hindu thought provide spiritual justification for social stratification rooted in this history.

A good book about this is Dalit: The Black Untouchables of India by V.T. Rajshekar. A good book about the suppression of women in this process is Sakhiyani by Giti Thadani.

Undergraduate / an internship in the surgery department - common app short answer. [8]


It's fine -- and often very useful -- to suggest structural changes.

Undergraduate / My dad has sensitive skin; Casa Grande High School, UC Essay #2 [15]


Yes, this is a fine topic. You vividly tell a story in order to illustrate a maturational turning point in your life.


The results of this performance would determine if our hard work was paying offour fate .

This was the first time that the Casa Grande freshman band would ever receive a unanimous superior at Casa Grande High School ; our teacher was ecstatic.

I found this very odd until it hit me: I hate band.

While my parents are not thrilled with my decision, they realize that I need to make my own decisions in order to grow and mature.

Writing Feedback / Old saying; 'experience is the best teacher' -Review for CLEP [11]

What about it, forum members? Any comments on this essay?

Undergraduate / "how we manage these imperfections" - Umich setback essay [18]


It's big a vague. How, exactly, will you liberate others?

Writing Feedback / The Next Patient [7]

Writing for fun? Oh, yes: I wholeheartedly endorse that! And this is an excellent start. Let's see more of the story!

(I hope you're using a pseudonym for the patient.)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Television Versus Friends and family [13]

We all know that television provides us many benefits; it helps people relax, helps us keep up with news, and helps broaden our minds .

I personally consider this fact as a harmful thing that television has brought upon us.

After this sentence but before you launch into your arguments, you should add a thesis statement that previews the arguments to come.

Last but not least, in watching too much television, people will unconsciously learn bad behavior that sows division among humans .

Letters / 'working in teams' - admission to a PhD program - cover letter [5]

One does not apply for the "position" of PhD but, rather, for admission to a PhD program.

Is this the cover letter for an application packet? If so, the lack of detail is acceptable. If not, then you will need to be much more specific about your experiences, qualifications, and intentions.

Writing Feedback / Frankenstein Essay: Critiques? [3]


Author and page number, with no comma between, go in parentheses at the end of the sentence (before, not after, the period). Consult your school library website or any online MLA style guide for more details.


That's not a thesis. What's your point, exactly? Other than summarizing the plot of the novel, what are you trying to say? What's your main point? You simply must settle on this before going further.

"Victor Frankenstein is a young aristocrat with endless opportunities served to him on a golden platter and a burgeoning obsession with physical science."


I think you mean "human-like"

Undergraduate / "Swim coach Marks" - Admission essay 2 for UT [8]

Don't tell us that he was "a great teacher" -- which is empty praise. Show us what kind of teacher he was by telling a story that illustrates his teaching style.

Undergraduate / "how we manage these imperfections" - Umich setback essay [18]

Look at every time you use the verb "to be" and ask yourself how to phrase the sentence using an action verb instead.

For example, instead of saying, "setbacks are choice points in life," say "setbacks force us to make choices." Instead of saying "it is a tool used by some," say "some people use it as a tool"

Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

I exercised mine assiduously and encouraged others to do so as well . In order to contribute to our legislative system and learn from experience, I sought an internship with my State Representative andConversely, in order to disseminate the importance of civic engagement to my peers, I founded the Junior State of America chapter at my school.

The rest of this paragraph is not only wordy but confusing. I'm not at all sure what you mean by your last line.

Undergraduate / Should I include names in my essay? [7]

What's the prompt for this essay? I like the first paragraph, but I can't decide what you should do with the second without knowing the question you are answering.

Undergraduate / Personal statement- work experience, the first day of my internship [4]

I personally liked the reference to your father in the first version, especially if that really was what you thought that day.

Undergraduate / "Swim coach Marks" - Admission essay 2 for UT [8]

What you need is more detail about coach Marks -- not more career achievements but illustration or demonstration of what you say about him. So much of this essay is you swimming, but the essay is supposed to be about your coach. Keep the swimming, but say more than vague things like "big hero" and "great teacher."

Undergraduate / "Wildfires in Texas" - admission essay for UT [6]


The whole essay -- which is very strong -- leads to this very weak conclusion. If you feel strongly about this issue, then you must have some specific ideas about how Texans can be more mindful and protective of the environment. It's great that you include so many details earlier in the essay; now you've got to match that with a similarly detailed conclusion.

Undergraduate / A difficult accomplishment that you are proud of [6]

For what purpose are you writing this essay?

Essays / Something you are passionate about [10]

First, make a list for yourself of all of the things you are passionate about. Next, for each thing, list some of the reasons you are passionate about this and how it is you express or demonstrate your passion. Now, look back at what you've written. Which thing were you able to write the most about? That's your topic.

Now, free-write -- Set a timer and just start writing about that thing. Don't worry about grammar or punctuation; just write down any images, thoughts, ideas, or memories that come to mind.

Now you have your raw material. Look at what you listed and what you free-wrote. Decide what you will include in your essay. Decide in what order you will include each thing. Then write a draft of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Essay about important characteristics of a co-worker. [5]


Is this different than in the past? If not, then you don't need to say "today."

Undergraduate / "how we manage these imperfections" - Umich setback essay [18]

You've got too many weak verbs and not enough action verbs in what could be a very strong essay:



Look at how often you use the verb "to be" in your opening and closing paragraphs. Replace as many of these with action verbs as possible. Go through the rest of the essay, getting rid of empty modifiers and extraneous phrases. Then you will have an essay worthy of the story you are trying to tell.

Book Reports / "The Storm" by Kate Chopin - my position paper [11]

So, about four pages. It's time for you to quit wavering and get to work. You've got a thesis and a couple of arguments. Sketch out an outline, write a rough draft, and post what you've got for feedback.

Undergraduate / My dad has sensitive skin; Casa Grande High School, UC Essay #2 [15]

Go through and fix the problem I identified, shortening your sentences as you go. Then let's see what you've got and if it's still too long.

Undergraduate / "to have clear & consistent values" - FSU "Vires, Artes, Mores" [3]


Start here rather than with the rambling introduction you have now.

Undergraduate / Purdue personal statement - interest in science [15]


If you can, be more specific. Do you look forward to the process of getting the degree -- taking lots of classes in lots of different subjects, perhaps discovering unsuspected areas of interest? Do you have an idea -- other than vague "research" -- of the sort of work you might like to do?

Undergraduate / "Good morning, visitors!" [10]


Actually, I think it's quite strong. I wonder why you think it sucks.

Undergraduate / Personal statement- work experience, the first day of my internship [4]


Keep the first paragraph as it is. Amend the second paragraph as follows:

I look up at the clock.and it is 5:00!As I prepare to head home, I realize that 8 hours of any work, whether plucking at wires or filling out paperwork, is truly exhausting. I suddenly think of my dad, who also will be heading home at this time. Though I have finished my internship this summer, I continue to appreciate and admire my dadI feel a wave of admiration and gratitude for the effort and optimism he puts into his job every day .

Undergraduate / "It's not who I am underneath, it's what I do that defines me"--common app essay [16]

Much better. Now, break this into two paragraphs. Also, go back through and edit ruthlessly, cutting out any excess words and phrases so that your sentences are as direct and powerful as possible.

Letters / My cover letter (a dietary supplement company in Auckland) [9]

What sort of laboratory work, exactly?

Undergraduate / Hospice Volunteering - Common App Essay [6]

Check it out, forum members: Here's an essay in which the writer manages to shift between present and past tense perfectly.

Undergraduate / My dad has sensitive skin; Casa Grande High School, UC Essay #2 [15]

You have a habit of tacking extra information onto sentences with "and," as follows:

Loud applause filled the room as we finished playing our final piece and the judges began to converse.

Ten minutes later, the head judge announced that our band had received a unanimous superior and the celebration began.

This was the first time that the freshman band had ever received a unanimous superior at Casa Grande High School and our teacher was thrilled.

In some instances, this makes your sentences tend toward run-ons. Used so consistently throughout your essay, the 'this "and" that' formula makes your writing repetitious. Only link together thoughts or events that belong together; find ways other than the word "and" to forge such links.


You probably mean that you couldn't have cared less what the judges said.

Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]


Every culture has its own way of making sense of the matters covered by Indian philosophy. There is great variance, it's true, in the degree and form in which philosophies are codified, but virtually every human group has grappled with the same questions and formulated some answers.


Individuals vary considerably in the degree to which they ever question the philosophical or spiritual answers provided by their parents or their faith of origin. Some seem to accept what was taught to them unquestioningly, without ever noticing that only the happenstance of birth to a particular led them to believe one thing rather than another.

I, myself, was raised Roman Catholic, which is a very codified way of looking at the world. Luckily, I was an independent-minded child and met children of other faiths. It seemed odd to me that a child across the street believed one thing and I another only because our parents took us to different churches. My friend's mother was just as trustworthy -- perhaps more so -- than mine. "Why believe one thing rather than the other?" I wondered. This skepticism did not endear me to the nuns who taught Sunday school classes!

And so, at age 12 I opted out of my faith of origin and commenced to read widely in the religious texts of other faiths, ultimately opting to believe none of them. As I believe I wrote in an answer to one of your other essays, my fundamentally existential orientation has not shifted since I was 17. In the decades since, however, it has been inflected by increasing awareness of the ecological circumstances that permit and limit all of human experience (however much we might like to pretend that's not true).

Having made a serious study of both the origins and consequences of various belief systems, I have become convinced that what people believe matters -- not for spiritual reasons but because faith so profoundly affects how people treat each other and the earth. So, while I have some sympathy with Indian philosophy (for example) I am also very much aware of its history and of the ways that it has been used to dispossess and depress the original peoples of the Subcontinent in the same way that Christianity later was used to dispossess and depress the original inhabitants of the Americas.

Essays / "Observing or studying animals" - how to find some standpoints on a topic? [4]

The question is whether studying animals can teach us about human nature. The most common answer is "yes." We share 98% of our DNA with chimpanzees, and our brain structures are similar not only to other mammals but also to birds and other kinds of animals. Therefore, observing their behavior might be able to help us understand ourselves. Watching how our closest relatives -- the pacific bonobos -- keep the peace might help us to mediate our own disputes without so much warfare.

From the opposite viewpoint, human beings are so different from other animals that observing them cannot teach us about ourselves. Can observing squirrels help us understand fish? If not, then maybe observing elephants cannot help us understand people. If you are going to argue that we can learn about people by studying animals, then you may want to address the ethical questions associated with doing so. Observing animals in their natural habitats hurts no one, but removing animals from their homes to study them in laboratories, even if the experiments themselves are not painful, does damage to them. If they are so like us that we can learn about our nature from them, is it fair to do to them what we would never do to other people?

Essays / Values & Theroretical Perspectives In Society [5]

Okay, so now brainstorm: What are some of the key issues associated with providing social work services to that population? The key to writing a good paper on such a topic is to decide what you are going to say, and how you are going to organize what you say, before you start writing. Otherwise, you end up with a rambling mess. So: Brainstorm (or freewrite) and then outline. Once you've got an outline of the major points you're going to cover, it will be easy to choose how to start the essay.

Graduate / "My technical focus" - MBA Essay Review [6]

The example is your first sentence. Who or what is the subject of that sentence? A stint. According to that sentence, the stint saw you "transition" from one focus to another. Of course, stints can't see anything at all, so the sentence really has no actor. That makes it weak. You should be the subject of the sentence. In the sentence, you should be doing something.

Undergraduate / "my Girl Scout leaders" - university of florida addmision essay. [5]

S orry,I suck at the w hole writ ing thing (obviously) and I don' t feel like I should be telling other people how to fix their essays,and so on but it said I needed to reply to two, so I was like, " what do I do?"

What you can do is offer your honest response as a reader (not a writer). Did the essay draw you in and keep your attention or did you find yourself becoming bored or distracted while reading it? Did it seem to answer the prompt? Was information missing? Was there too much information? Etc.

By reading other people's writing carefully, you will improve your own writing. So, this is not just a requirement of the forum, but an essential element of your own process of becoming a better writer.

Graduate / "consistent hard work" - Statement of Purpose: Computer Science [7]


I think so. I think it will intrigue the reader.

Graduate / "My technical focus" - MBA Essay Review [6]

Again, your first sentence is weak. Who's the actor in that sentence? A stint! And that stint supposedly saw something. Again, please reword your introduction.

Undergraduate / "Good morning, visitors!" [10]

Actually, depending on the school, that's might or might not be a good idea. If you are applying to a religious institution, by all means say more about that. If you are applying to a secular school, keep the focus as it is: on your interactions with the children.

Essays / Values & Theroretical Perspectives In Society [5]

What you need to do first is choose which disadvantaged group of service users you will write about. People with physical disabilities? People for whom English is not the first language? Gay and lesbian people? Which?

Undergraduate / My parent's smile and joy- experiences that helped to define you as a person [5]

We can't help you construct an opening sentence because we don't understand what you posted so far and have not seen the rest of the essay. Perhaps, if you have revised and finished the essay, you could post what you have so far. Please take our commentaries seriously: What you posted so far was not comprehensible and will not serve you well as an admission essay.