Undergraduate / "A song with a prolonged "Aaaahh" - Personal Essay [12]

It's that ending sentence that I think throws some people off. You need to mention that somewhere else if you want to keep it but the last sentence, generally, should mostly relate to your main theme of the essay so that the reader comes off with "okay, this is what s/he wants to say" instead of, "oh, although they fight all the time, they like her." You see what I'm saying?

Undergraduate / Impossible Is Nothing- Adidas [7]

No, the honors program at GW will open up a lot of opportunities so it's not just why do you want to be in an accelerated track vs. regular.

You didn't go to elementary in Georgia, right? I mean, you're probably just one of many Samuel Lee's but just in case :P

Essays / [Beginner] Essay writing guide, maybe about "Street dogs" [7]

I would write about abandoned dogs who still struggle to survive in the streets even with the adversities they face. If the essay was supposed to be something about me, I will tie it in with how I also persevere even through hard conditions.

I like the prompt :) But for a prompt like this, I suggest you avoid the classic set up of intro, body, conclusion. This type of an essay calls for more of a prose-styled essay. We don't need your thesis sentence in your intro nor do you need to repeat it in your conclusion. The essay needs to be coherent yet has to have an overall message about something.

Also, this type of a prompt definitely seeks for a great hook sentence in the beginning to grab the readers' attention. It doesn't have to be a mere sentence; it can be 2-3 for that matter.

"The dog whimpered."

I would totally keep reading if you started off with that. Hehe.

Personally, I prefer shorter hooks rather than long sentenced ones. I find them more "Attention-grabbing." Recently, all my first sentences have been really short.

Book Reports / Intro of Jem Finch, To Kill A Mockingbird [4]

In the novel,In Harper Lee's"To Kill a Mockingbird,"written by Harper Lee, Jem (Jeremy) Atticus Finch is one of thean important characters .

... Jem even teases Scout for being acting like a girl more and more everyday . However, as Jem moves into adolescence and, he begins tobecomes Scout's accompany by protecting her after all at the end of storylineprotect Scout . While Jem grows in his childhood, he becomes more mature and idolizes his fatherAs Jem matures, he idolizes his father, Atticus .

I find the intro paragraph very weak. You shouldn't summarize in your introductory paragraph; this paragraph is meant to grab the readers' attention as well as indicate what your thesis is (basically what your essay is about). The reader doesn't need you to plot summarize (from Jem's point of view, I guess). Trim it down and start over.

Undergraduate / Impossible Is Nothing- Adidas [7]

Did you go to Mason Elementary School in Georgia...? :o

Well, I think you need to approach this essay in a different way; you are simply stating nearly contradicting statements.

You put out there that world cannot be "saved" yet you go on using up your words talking about how you will nevertheless try. Well, to be frank, we don't care.

We want to know WHY you want to be a part of George Washington's Honors Program. You need to incorporate your love for international relations studies to what the program can provide you. This essay about how you will strive for "the dream that many call impossible" shows nothing about you or why you want to be in the program. It simply tells a quite cliched story about how you want world peace but you don't think you can get it.

As I've said before, we don't care.

And the whole sentence about you not being prepared is seemingly unnecessary. You need to start writing about your passion (if there is any) for international relations while at the same time incorporating GW's unique assets (remember, GW hates being secondary and hates being safety for many schools like Georgetown so they want to hear unique assets which attracted you rather than sets of characteristics that apply to many different schools).

Here's a hint: talk about one of their important schools.

Undergraduate / Why are you applying to Occidental (to challenge social structure) [4]

I personally disliked the whole blurb about Taiwan. I understand that it's your identity but you make it sound as if the only reason you are going there (at least for the beginning half of the essay) is because you are Taiwanese and you want to "help" Taiwan which is quite ridiculous because as a college student, you won't be able to do much anyways.

And, make sure you definitely take out the part about you diplomatically helping Taiwan against China; also, I understand that you are trying to come off as someone who is globally aware, but you need to re-write some phrases because you don't come off that way. Lessen it a bit and transitions are important. Maybe incorporate what YOU HAVE DONE instead of simply saying, "i look forward to debating with my roommates about the global issues" because the latter sounds really superficial.

Undergraduate / 1 How did you first learn of Smith College and why are you applying?(100 words) [3]


You need to rewrite the part about the "women's college." Don't simply say "I was not interested." Say something like you were surprised or taken aback. Also, you need to either 1) take out that whole negative comment about it being all women college or 2) mention somewhere that the pros outweigh it being all women.

I didn't think that sentence about you wanting to be teacher and needed to master one subject and be well rounded was necessary. And as for an educator's "professional skills," you won't get any at Smith College so that doesn't make sense either unless they have classes to teach you how to teach (which might be possible seeing I'm not too knowledgeable on the road to teaching).

Overall, it's weak.

Student Talk / Where to get more free SAT score reports from? [5]

This is an Essay forum :)

Speeches / What don't you know - a speech to God [25]

You took the prompt very literally and you repeat it quite a lot. "I don't know..." I think the essay will have better coherence if you could take out some of those phrases. For example,


College personal essays should say more about YOU rather than someone else. Personally, I did not enjoy this essay. There were too many unnecessary questions that simply took up word count (I'm a word count Nazi when it comes to limited essays) and didn't have much purpose. You repeat many questions (written in different phrases etc).

The essay sounds very colloquial and informal. I understand that you are talking to God and it's supposed to sound the way you "talk," but it sounds too informal, if that makes any sense.

This essay sounds as if trying TOO hard to evoke emotions and because of that overhanded feeling, I reacted with repulsed emotion instead. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some cold-hearted sadist hiding in the basement. I truly value volunteerism and understanding/addressing the unfair differences in the world. However, in a prompt that asks you, "What don't you know" in order to figure out more about you (This is Brown, right?), writing an essay asking questions why the world is so unfair seems, as I've said, overhanded.

The first words that came to my mind after reading this was: Cheesy, Cliched, and Boring.

Edit: I realized someone said the same thing I said (poisonivy) mentioned about your conversation form while I said it a bit differently in saying that your essay is informal. Meh.

Undergraduate / "A song with a prolonged "Aaaahh" - Personal Essay [12]

I think this answers the prompt. This essay isn't and shouldn't be about your diversity nor should you constantly bring out the fact that you are not an American, white citizen. It's about what you can bring to the college community.

She clearly states that her thought process or her way of addressing issues or contrasting points of view is her "diversity."

And she explains through her personal background (her parents), she became that way.

It answers the prompt but it's not written the way I would've written it and I've already said that few posts up but just thought we need to stop going on about how it doesn't answer the prompt and help her get the essay more succinct and...more of an essay that brings out what she actually wants to say.

Scholarship / Medea from Jason and the Argonauts, Essay on One of the Mythological Characters [10]

Hmm Thanks! It's H. J, though... :o

And as for guilt, she hasn't killed them yet. That middle paragraph is like a flash-back in a way but I don't think I made that very clear...

I never thought about writing in first-person for some reason! I will try that and see how that goes.

Are you a recruiter? :-P I've seen you ask people to be a contributor hehe

Undergraduate / What appeals you to Emory University, aside from the obvious. Emory Supplement [5]

I think they get generic essays A LOT so it may be in your interest to write a unique one.

Undergraduate / "My high grades confirm that I deserve a better school";TRANSFER OBJECTIVES & REASONS [3]

Almost anyone's main objective for attending college first and foremost would beMy main objective for attending a college is to lay the groundwork for theirmy future endeavors.

My experience at St. Leo University has certainly been enjoyable and well worth the venture, but to put blatantly, I feel I have substantially earned high enough grades to receive admission into a significantly better school .

You need to be more direct rather than using phrases like "I feel" "The most logical way to go about" "This reasoning" "One major thing" etc; they are wasted words and convey nothing. Also, you need to rewrite the whole second paragraph; it's highly egotistical and I suggest you mainly focus on being stimulated intellectually as well as motivated rather than talking about how your grades show you should be in a better school.

Scholarship / Medea from Jason and the Argonauts, Essay on One of the Mythological Characters [10]

the story itself meaning the "plot" has to be the same as the myth.

Undergraduate / "A song with a prolonged "Aaaahh" - Personal Essay [12]

May I ask...Why the underlines in front of the quotes? It confuses the reader as to how you are beginning your essay. Make them all quotes rather than a seemingly bulleted form of a conversation.

There are many unnecessary phrases and sentences in your essay; you need to trim it down to make it succinct. Also, your essay is quite incoherent. I definitely know what you are trying to say because having read the first paragraph, I instantly figured out your whole essay and reading the rest, it confirmed my guess. That might be a problem, it's predictability. However, that can be overlooked if the essay is written well and is refreshing.

You need to look over your whole diction and alternate your syntactical choices. Also, at some of the sentences, I lost what you were trying to say.

Overall though, I understand your stance on this whole essay (for some reason, I understood it) BUT you need to work on the whole "YOU" section which is where you define yourself on the contrasting points of your life. You need to clarify that whole section it gets jumbled and you add in not-so-profound sentences that use vocab that clearly outstrip your whole essay in their level (transparent thesaurus, which is not advisable).

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Being really good at something" - Emory Common App: topic of your choice essay. [8]

Are you ONLY applying to Emory? The Common App essay will be sent to ALL the colleges you are applying to meaning lets say an X college will get an essay saying you are applying to a Y college. Does that make sense?

This common app essay is supposed to be generic and able to be sent to all the colleges without specifically mentioning them while the supplementary essays are there to show why you want Emory etc.

And the ending isn't creative :-P

Undergraduate / "Single-eyed giant" - WoW essay: good or bad? [21]

I personally disagree with some of the posts above. Sure, contractions are a big no-no's in formal essays but College Personal essays are exactly what the name implies: personal. It needs to have your own voice rather than the formal, strict voice. The diction, the syntax, and the whole coherency of the essay should relay the way you think and talk (not necessarily but you get the point).

Don't stress too much about contractions.

And as skyworthy said, I also hope it appeals to the Admissions officers of the top schools that you are applying to. I've read quite a few WoW essays and generally those have powerful messages about addiction while yours makes a parallel between a MMORPG with your life...

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Mocking my Chinese ethnicity - Williams Essay-Looking out the window [11]

545...I suggest you cut a lot of unnecessary phrases. There are few repetitive phrases where you keep repeating the same thing about racism. Condense it.

Otherwise, a decent essay about racism.

Undergraduate / "Being really good at something" - Emory Common App: topic of your choice essay. [8]

I really enjoyed the beginning! Definitely a good hook ;) I was reading and going, "WHAA! That's not right" and then realized, haha.

Being really good at something, being number one in my class,like being number one in my class made an impression on me for life.

Personally, that sentence isn't a very great one. Firstly, there is no "ranking" in an elementary school: that sentence makes you sound rather...Also, the situation and your "thesis" doesn't go together very well. Being good at something isn't the same thing as improving through hard-work. I know that sounds contradictory but you should change your main idea of your essay into something along the lines of hard work.

The last sentence should definitely changed.

Emory has a specific supplementary essay; this sounds like a common app essay which means you can't send it to all other colleges, unless you plan on doing alternate versions. Even then, Emory won't understand why you wrote this essay...

Undergraduate / Born in Taiwan - Williams Supplement - Looking Through A Window [7]

You can definitely cut out 11 words and adhere to the word count limit.

For example, "tall skyscrapers high above our heads "

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement: Life in Boarding! [4]

Before I say my opinion, what is the prompt?

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement: Life in Boarding! [4]

" Dad" , I looked at him with teary eyes and in my broken English, I said " Please don't leave me here me , don't!"

Even the air in the boarding school seemed to demand a level of discipline, maturity, and competence.

My father sympathetically smiled at me and said, "You have to do this, son. This is for your own good."

I had no idea of what good it would bring to me but nevertheless I entered the boarding school and timidly looked at all the boys, walking with their heads high, shoulders straight, and in identical navy blue blazers and gray shorts, walking with their heads high and shoulders straight . Their disciplined posture and plastered grins felt ominous of the austerity I would have to endure.

The gray haired Headmaster kept constantly smiling at me the moment I entered his office for my interview. His gray eyes twinkled when he smiled. Finally he said 'I hope you'll learn something important here son !'

"Yes Father" I replied in a tone dripping with disbelief. ARE YOU TALKING TO YOUR REAL FATHER OR THE HEADMASTER? NOT CLEAR

I soon made friends. My broken English soon started following the rules of grammar.

The school I attended was a Jesuit oneJesuit-affiliated . I knew more about the Bible than the Bhagavad-Gita. I celebrated Christmas cheerfully while I was oblivious to Diwali.

Students from all over India could be found in those little yet cozy dormitories of the boarding school. Buddhists or Christians or Muslims or Hindus, you name it and you could find them sharing a table in the eating room or sitting on the same desk in the study hall or playing basketball in the playground.Buddhists, Christians, Muslims, and Hindus shared a table in the eating room or sat on the same desk in the study hall or played basketball in the playground here.

The unique diversity, in religion and ethics, was accompanied with often remarkably clashing ideas and practices. Discussions and debates were inevitably intense and deep. Everything under the sun was discussed in those cozy dormitories and most of us almost always changed our stance on the discussion when we got to hear of all the sides of the coins (there were always more than two) .

The school taught me everything that I pride in myself... The late-night discussions taught me tolerance; I learnted to listen to all sides of an issue before formulating my stance on itown opinion . The eating room taught me that there is unity even in diversity; though we followed different religion, we all shared the same concept of friendship and virtue. The study hall taught me competitiveness; I always tried my level best to top my friends. The playgrounds taught me...well they just taught me how to have fun...

Everything I learnted there is still etched on me... I earnted a lot of important things just like the Headmaster hoped I would...

The boarding school after all did prove to be good for me, just like my Dad said it would. be...

You come off as an applicant who is trying to cram a lot of "favorable" characteristics into an essay. At times, your point is unclear and there are many colloquial words that you should replace with more formal ones. Also, I noticed you use ' instead of " for your quotes which I changed for some. Also, you have few sentences that are wholly unnecessary. Some of them, I marked especially, "The playgrounds taught me...well they just taught me how to have fun..." I get that you were trying to add in humor but the sentence, to be honest, isn't funny and is not appreciated. LEARNT vs. LEARNED. Learnt, I think, is obsolete so I changed them to the standard English spelling.

There were some grammatical errors which is understandable seeing you are an international student (like me~! ^^) but it clashes with one of your sentence where you say your English started following the rules of grammar. I suggest you definitely go over the whole essay to take out unnecessary phrases and to correct both punctuation and grammatical errors. Syntactical variety also makes the essay more interesting so aim for that.

Undergraduate / "secretary Luisa" - Short Answer [6]


This doesn't really answer the prompt, which asks you to elaborate on one of your ACTIVITIES. I doubt that includes one of the things you've done. I changed some of the wordings around mainly because...for example, I didn't think you were trying to say that the students were evoking a sense of intimacy so I moved that misplaced modifier. Also, WHO not WHOM.

To be rather frank, this short answer doesn't do a very good job of elaborating YOU, which is what the admissions officers are looking for. They want to know you, not know what you've done. This is just an explanation of a program (of a specific university, which kind of ruins it for any other colleges you are applying for) and finishes off with a rather cliched sentiments about a "second home."

I would rewrite the whole thing with a new topic.