Undergraduate / USC: 'Animation and Digital Arts' [3]

I had my heart set on becoming an artist.

I couldn't understand why I wasn't allowed to become an artist, it was what I enjoyed doing.

Some time later, I began to consider going into a science field.

Of that, my parents approved, and I walked around thinking "I'm going to be a pharmacist when I grow up".

I could feel it slipping away, my best friend since childhood.

Student artists like myself would trade their artwork with other members for the virtual pets they wanted.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Collaborating with Arts and Sciences"- Common App Essay [2]

We climbed up onto a lifeguard post and sat down, taking some time to look at the scene around us .---I just took the liberty of adding two words, but really, it was fine the way it was.

He played the final part of the song we had been working on for the past three days, and I recorded it into the 4-track mode of my audio recorder.

Every time, I was merging science and art; every new hobby was a process of trial and error to learn to use tools in order to create the things I imagined in my head.

I remember my focus-- as if these projects were the most important thing I had to do. I remember all the friends I have met over the years who I had collaborated with .---These two sentences don't seem to go well here.

My first projects were making my own sets ---I think you could find a stronger word than 'sets'.

...with Legos and K'NEX, complete with instructions.

I like how you looped around and mentioned the time at the beach, at the end of the essay. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Letters / 'Professional in energy industry' Motivation Letter for MSc in Mechanical Engineering [2]

My career ambition is to become a professional in the energy industry sector.

I have always been intrigued by threats of dangerous energy consumption.

I preferred Energy branch as last year specialization field which corresponds my goal ---I really don't know what you're saying here. Please revise for clarity.

...and is related to my favorite courses, Fluid Mechanics, Thermodynamics and Turbomachinery.

I was fortunate enough to have an exciting opportunity in designing and developing my own project as an intern at .... I designed an oven that can be used on ... stoves, and devised two systems for (aim of system 1) and (aim of system 2).

This was a great experience to combine my intelligence, creativity and knowledge with hard working .

I believe the programme will not only strengthen my skills and give me expert knowledge which will help me to overcome challenges but will also give me wider recognition of the energy and aviation industry.

Moreover, by joining an international community, I will gain intercultural competence and a better understanding of the world as a whole.

I particularly like your last two sentences! They'll be lucky to have you as a student. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Three part theme essay on my Tragic Flaw [2]

Man is destined to face challenges, for life is not a bed of roses.

Obstacles and difficulties are bound to come in the way, and no one is ever exempted from these.

I have fallen head-deep into a quicksand of impediments, comedowns and setbacks.---Had to stop here to say how impressed I am with your writing. You have a great way with words!

Life is full of surprises and these surprises do not always come in bright colors.---Nice sentence!

Some may leave knees on the ground, some may remain unshaken.---I think this sentence should be revised a bit. Do you mean some might crawl away?

Overcoming obstacles entails I getting hit by my setbacks, but not letting it hit me more than once.

Like the pillar bending away, I must refuse to be overwhelmed by my setbacks for my to be constantly hit by it. ---Revise for clarity.

Reflecting on what Martin Luther King Jr had said, he stresses that every...

But where is your flaw?

:)

Undergraduate / "Knowledge is power" - Kean University-Educational and professional career objectives [2]

---

Related: Need pointers - What you hope to achieve by attending an institute of higher learning

They are basically asking you what you are going to do with your education once you have it. Think about what you'd like your life to look like, after college. What type of career do you see yourself having? How will attending university help you achieve that? What, besides work, might be affected in your life? A greater understanding of the world? A glimpse into other cultures? Better social skills? Better communication skills? More understanding of technology?

I can't get too specific since I don't know what you'll be majoring in, but perhaps these questions will be enough to get you started.

Best of luck in your studies!

Essays / Help understanding how to write a reflection essay on a paper I did. [2]

You just need one great concept, and let that concept be the theme for the technology plan. A technology plan should be based on educational research, so you'll have to find some good books and articles to cite. The trick, though, is to have one great idea, something you believe in or that inspires you. Maybe it has something to do with Bloom's Taxonomy in relation to the technology. When you're done, send it through for an edit.

:)

Scholarship / Swiss Government Scholarship-Motivation Letter from a passionate mathematician [7]

I think it's fine to put references in. I would pull out all stops and use anything that might help! (Also, you are very bright and have every reason to 'show off'!)

Upon my return to Indonesia, I want to help him developing the area of financial engineering by becoming a lecturer and fellow researcher there.

I also intend to use my connections with Swiss mathematicians and quants, which I will establish during the course of my study in Switzerland to invite them as guest lecturers and as speakers at international conferences on financial engineering which I, along with my professor, will organize in the future.

Thus, I really hope that you consider me for the Swiss Government Scholarship, as I am really passionate about what...

This is great! I hope you don't have to wait too long to find out if you get the scholarship, but if you do, enjoy the suspense! Good luck!

Graduate / Nuclear Engineering - How a mechanical graduate shaped his aspiration in this field. [3]

As a mechanical graduate ,---Is this right? I don't know enough about it to know if it should say 'mechanical graduate'...sounds like you might be a robot!--- postgraduate study in nuclear engineering is indispensable to developing the necessary understandings before embarking on my research.

I therefore plead for the Admissions Committee to favorably consider me for admission.

If it isn't too long to submit, I would not cut anything. They'll be lucky to have you as a student. Your essay shows your passion and intelligence, and is very well written. Good luck with school.

Scholarship / Swiss Government Scholarship-Motivation Letter from a passionate mathematician [7]

I will elaborate the reasonsof why I wish to study in Switzerland by explaining four points: my fondness for financial mathematics, the reason of why I choose to study in Switzerland, and specifically, in ETHZ Quantitative Finance master programme, my plan after finishing my study and how I intend to realize it.

Great essay and especially good ending. I think they'll see that they'll be lucky to have you as a student. Good luck with school and have fun!

Scholarship / Hispanic Scholarship Fund- Recent Academic Challenge: "Success" [2]

As I analyzed the possible motives for my low grade, one motive began to blatantly stand out.

Academics were my forte, but it's common knowledge that men excel in science more than women.---OUCH! This might offend some people, particularly women! It's kind of like saying Chinese people are best at math, or Irish people all drink alcohol!

When the test day finally arrived, pre-test jitters threatened to "sicken" me and keep me from school.

Excellent!! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / Goals 3 years after completing ISB MBA (300 words) [3]

Three years after graduating from ISB, I see myself working as a successful consultant in the financial services domain. I also see myself as a leader managing a team of 4-5 people, which would have established trust and credibility with clients.---This is great!

A year of employment with ZS Associates, has given me first-hand experience of managing sales and marketing operations for US pharmaceuticals firms, learning industry-wide best practices and exposure to a consulting environment.

While, ---No comma here.--- my current role at HSBC introduced me to the banking industry and has helped me develop an understanding of their asset business, marketing strategies and portfolio management activities.

I will also form a professional and personal network at ISB, which would be a great resource in career progression for years to come.

This is very well written and they're lucky to have you as a student. Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / 'born in Taiwan and raised in Shanghai' - uc prompt [5]

"This lack of cultural identity makes me dream of combining these three incongruous identities into one unique perspective. By sharing my experiences in each culture, I aspire to dispel the prejudices among these countries."---If this is part of what your teacher called superficial, then she is not a very good teacher. A superficial dream would be something like having matching outfits for a Barbie Doll collection. Your dream has to do with cultural identity, your own unique self, and a more beautiful and colorful world, which all of us in our own uniqueness are part of. I know that teacher hurt your feelings, but just ignore that. I had a teacher in high school that made fun of a poem I'd written, suggesting better words I could have used...a few years later in college, it was one of several poems that got me a great scholarship for creative writing. So teachers are not perfect, many of them have no business teaching. There is a saying that goes, 'those who can't do, teach'. :)

Undergraduate / 'world of all prejudices and discrimination' -What matters to you and why? (Stanford) [4]

I finished my spelling test first, so I walked over to the library corner and flipped open a Magic Tree House book.

Whenever I walked,---I think this should say, 'wherever I went'.

It took me a long time to come out the shell I had carved for myself.

Making sure that everyone is looked at for who they are beyond their skin color is what matters to me.

Good luck with school and in all you do...and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'having a complete family' - LIM College Essay [3]

A couple months had passed , school was over and I decided to visit my aunt, dad's sister, in California for a month.

I always thought of my dad's side as the more exciting part of the family than my mom's side.

I lied to my mom, telling her I was hanging out with my friends.

I felt my heart drop almost as if I was on the big dip on a never ending roller coaster because I knew she had found out.

I never really liked crying just because I thought it made me look ugly.---You're the only person I have ever heard felt this way besides myself. :(

Well, your essay certainly ends on a sad note! Good luck in school and in all you do!

:)

Undergraduate / "What makes you, you." - Help on how to begin an essay [3]

Here are some places where you should get a lot of help. The main thing about starting, is to sum up what you want to say in one strong sentence, and then everything else will follow.

jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative1/personal-essays/

toeflperu.web.officelive.com/Documents/How%20To%20Write%20Great%20Essa ys.pdf

utne.com/1999-03-01/HowtoWriteaPersonalEssay.aspx

:)

Writing Feedback / Functional electrical stimulation (FES) - An abstract for a paper [3]

The major impediments of using surface electrodes are lack of the isolated contraction and activation of the deep muscles, which limit the selective muscle activation.

To deal with these problems, the use of intramuscular electrodes have been proposed.

In this paper, an adaptive fuzzy-sliding mode control is proposed to control of rat knee-joint movement which is based on the synergistic ---I changed this word, is it right?--combination of an adaptive fuzzy sliding mode control with an adaptive neural control.

It would be an awesome miracle if paraplegics and quadriplegics could suddenly move about on their own! Good luck with school and in all you do.

:)

Graduate / 'The skills I obtained' - Speech Language Pathology Personal Statement [2]

He suffered from an intracranial hemorrhage in his right temporal and parietal lobes leading to cognitive and communication deficits along with homozygous hemianopsia.

It was obvious that he had a long road ahead of him, with countless hours of therapy and recovery.

His Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) is still to this day, his lifesaver, bringing him to what he thought was impossible to living his life again.

Watching his journey to recovery has truly been an amazing experience, which is what has guided my decision to pursue Speech Language Pathology.

...I would travel to elementary schools to help children in both individual and group settings to increase proficiency in reading and writing, as well as encouraging them to have a love for reading and to develop self-confidence.

Not only have I obtained skills, but these experiences have provided me with confidence and knowledge that will guide me towards my future in a professional environment.

They'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / How my life has changed, and so have I ( UC/ Common App prompt) [5]

" Education is your ticket to freedom" , a saying that lately I have not taken lightly.

Honestly, my life has been pretty easy, c ompared to other peoples.

I haven't been through half of what some of them have.

There was conflict my whole life, but it the bomb didn't hit until Sept. 2010.

That day, ---No comma here.--- changed everything I was used to.

Sacrifice is the best word to explain what my life has become, one big sacrifice. I sacrifice my time, because now 4 days a week I take care of my younger brother.

I sacrifice my relationships because my biggest fear is that I will end up like my parents.

Instead of letting everything consume my life and stress me out, I feel like this has all made me grow up as a person.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'born in Taiwan and raised in Shanghai' - uc prompt [5]

However, I still have troubles assimilating into the local community because I am recognized as a foreigner because of my Taiwanese accent.

However, being special gives me an advantage of making more friends in the local school because my classmates are always eager to chat with me.

However, every time he finishes a joke, I have to wait until he stops laughing and have him explain it to me.---This is so funny!

I was so terrified at that party that I really wished to dig a hole and hide myself.

However, after my friends encouraged me to let go of my psychological boundaries, I still enjoyed the party, experienced a different culture and became part of the zoo.

My world is a combination of multiple countries, of which I am a citizen of many but a member of none.

Your essay is well written and shows your personality and sense of humor. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / How to write an Essay ABOUT MYSELF for Economics Degree Program? [3]

Here are some places for you to check out. Once you get started, it will be easy. Be sure to start with an attention grabbing first sentence, and don't use any words or sentences you don't need. Also, let some personality shine through, so your essay stands out among the rest!

answers.ask.com/Society/Philosophy/how_to_write_an_essay_about_ myself

adulted.about.com/od/intro/ht/personalessay.htm

writing-services.org/blog/2008/11/04/how-to-write-an-essay-about-mysel f/

:)

Graduate / 'My macroeconomics interest' - SOP for economics phd [3]

AndDuring my research, I sent him several emails to consult with him about the problems I encountered and he was very patient, about problem and gave me some very enlightening advices .

It raised my great interest to do further international trade studies under his guidance and that is also an important part of the reasons why I want to apply UCLA's Phd program.

I think they'll be very lucky to have you as a student!

Book Reports / Need help to analyze Stuart Hall, Kincaid, Junot Diaz, Rhys [2]

You have to first do the assignment, and then you can send it to us here for an edit. Good luck with it! It won't be so bad once you get started...just make an outline and fill it in. Know what I mean?

Writing Feedback / IELTS should be a law to control violence in tv? [5]

I think 'in' tv would be used more for the business of people who work behind the scenes for programming, like 'I work in tv news production'. If you're watching it, it's 'on' tv. So in a way, you're both right! :)

Writing Feedback / 'My parents and my teachers were proud' - Shortening Essay? [2]

I was depressed, and I knew thatI needed something to give me new perspective or direction into achieving my potential.

I had survived from heat exhaustion, pushed myself harder than I ever had in my life, and knew that if I could withstand anything out here, I could conquer anything back home.

I lay down on top of my tarp, took my shirt off and let it come.---I love this, it shows you as thoughtfully and painfully human.

It was myself, my lack of confidence, discipline and general immaturity that had dragged me down before.

Excellent essay! Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / JHU - describe choices in major - Neuroscience/Autism Research [2]

That simple conversation remains, eight years later, the backbone of my goals for the future.---This is great! I have an autistic brother in law, and he is the most interesting and intelligent person I know. I wish his life could be less frustrating for him, and the world needs more people like you.

Today, I still aspire to major in neuroscience and to go into research in autism and other neurodevelopmental disorders, an ambition that would be surely fulfilled by the great opportunities that being a student at Johns Hopkins would present.

I want to satiate my infinite curiosity for the fascinating living machine that is the brain, ...

I know I'm a better person because of Michael's influence. To unlock the mysteries of autism would impact the world in ways unimaginable.

I admire you for this so much, and hope all the best for you. They'll be lucky to have you as a student, and the rest of us are lucky that there are people like you in the world. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Service - characteristic that appeals to me the most' - FSU [3]

Community service has always been important to me as it has given my life purpose.

The first time I heard about FSU was in an article about their work with H abitat for H umanity.---Capitalize this.

Academically speaking, they are known for their outstanding psychology department and world renowned professors.

WhileSocially they are known for having a well rounded student body that I hope to one day be a part of.

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / IELTS should be a law to control violence in tv? [5]

Every day ---Two words here.--- there are even more concerns about the violence in TV.

Unfortunately the instrumentalization of the TV for the enrichment of the television corporations brings to the creation of programs and movies for the masses.

The tastes of the masses however has always been vulgar.---Sadly, this does seem to be true.

The people love to see on TV violence and blood because the instinct of violence is in the human nature.

Throughout the centuries this thirst for blood never stopped, and some examples are the R oman battles of gladiators, the...

The TV give us a wrong idea of violence, seen like the only way for the hero to overcome all the difficulties, meanwhile in real life the problems can be overcome only with words and cleverness.---Great point!

On the other hand, however, the parents can easily prohibit their children from seeing particular types of programs.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'the Malaysian national school system' - University of Colorado, Boulder [3]

If I were asked,to describe myself, I would describe myself as an ordinary teenager who has individually made most of the decisions in my life, which include my major and the University I wish to attend.

With my friends from diverse backgrounds, I have gained some exposure and understanding of Malaysian cultures.

Fortunately, spending time on reading and attending language courses helped to enhance my language skills.

In hindsight, I realized that the best way to succeed is to be diligent and resolute in dealing with the barriers in breaking through another cultures of languages.---If English is your second language, you sure have mastered it very well!

As a child from a single family, I have learnt to appreciate the opportunities to acquire knowledge in tertiary institutions .

A campus town which provides a wonderful environment in which to carry out my favorite outdoor activities, such as roller blading, biking, hiking and camping is definitely one I look forward to spending time in.

Nice essay! They'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Book Reports / "The Caretaker" - Play review on the character [2]

There were three characters in Clarke University's presentation of "The Caretaker" -two brothers, Aston (Austin Rea) and Mick (Gage Steenhagen), and a bum, Davies (Joe Klinebriel).

All of the characters in the play were failures, but managed to make it through life.---You did an excellent job in this paragraph, of explaining the plot and story line. You made it sound interesting and did not waste words.

This impressive performance of "The Caretaker" employed a mixture of tones; both tragic and comic, to communicate one unifying theme-deception.

...even though he appeared to be too lazy to take the responsibility for his own actions and blamed his failure to act on everyone else. but himself.

Mick thought that his ambitions for a successful career should outweigh his responsibility to care for his mentally-damaged brother.

Several instances of varying uses of lighting design and sound were also utilized throughout the performance, which contributed to its overall success.

This is very well written! Good luck in school and have fun.

:)

Graduate / most meaning leadership experience and how will MBA help you? [4]

I think it's definitely strong enough, and just the fact that you were chosen out of all those people proves it. The fact that you were the youngest, says a lot about your drive and determination, and also how serious you are, and have been, about your studies and your life. Your last sentence is great, and very important too, because it shows that you realize you still have things to learn and are willing to change your way of thinking about some things. This tells me that as a leader, you'll be compassionate and thoughtful. Good qualities!

Graduate / most meaning leadership experience and how will MBA help you? [4]

After careful analysis, I noticed that not only had the team failed to relate to the task, but also lacked trust in each others capabilities.

Such interactions helped me to build a cohesive team focused on a common goal and to identify individual skills.

I, then, ---Neither of these commas belong here---carefully allotted the responsibilities- factoring...

This experience was meaningful not only because it provided me a platform to exhibit my leadership capabilities, but also because it helped me to identify my weaknesses.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Have a great first practice" - University of Washington Meaningful Experience [2]

Cautiously, I unfold my own clearance forms and hand them to a captain instead, crossing my fingers there are no mistakes.

August 21, 2009. Today I walk in to the pool with my head held higher.

But then again, I would never have thought that I would have had four years of perfect practice attendance, or that my own team would vote me as their captain and Athlete of the Week either.

With a genuine smile, I walk towards the door in my brand new Speedo, ready to make this team as great of an experience for others as it has been for me.

Great essay! Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / 'waiting for the shuttle bus in NUS' NUS graduate medical school-Why Duke-NUS? [3]

As a whole, Duke-NUS strikes me as a school that has academic intensity, strong focus on research, diverse student culture, and a commitment to service. I see Duke-NUS not solely as a step towards becoming a doctor, but also as a journey to better myself, feed my intellectual curiosity, be surrounded and inspired by outstanding students and teachers, and hopefully, become someone who can make a positive impact on the medical field. ----This is so great!

Although it took me many years to fulfill my other obligations before I could apply for it, I am glad that I am now taking this step further towards my dream.

This is another great essay!

Graduate / Duke-NUS graduate medical school "Moral and ethical dilemma" [3]

Probably such things had happened before and what the counselor suggested to me was the usual solution which seemed to be good for everyone.

Good essay and great answer to the prompt. Have fun in school and good luck!

Undergraduate / 'When I ran into the arms of my mother' - U Richmond - leaving the comfort zone [3]

I looked out from the windowsill next to my bed and saw that the sky was teeming with stars vaguely shining.

... the unbearable melting heat, to baggy military uniforms that became baggier after several washings .

At last we agreed on the conclusion, that we were just feeling homesick.

"Every single day at the camp has been elongated ."---'Seems longer than the one before' would sound better, I think.

The whole back of my neck has been red and rough as if scratched.

I felt the back of my neck to see if it got better, and it did."

The scar at the back of my neck had faded with the rebirth of skin, and what had hurt so much at the wrist was now holding the laureate cup.---Awesome!!

With the experience I gained from military training, I became positive for whatever the future has in store for me, for I have built in myself courage, faith and sense that will continue to enable me to survive and thrive outside my comfort zone. alike.

When I ran into the arms of my mother, I decided not to tell her that I cried hard during the first few days.

I like your essay, you are e very good and interesting writer! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / 'An investigative research project in Singapore' Research experience Essay - Duke NUS [4]

What primarily interested me enough to cause me to undertake this project was the fact that these seemingly...

I had to learn to do a lot of things that I had never done before, such as performing intraperitoneal injection on rats, preparing chemical solutions that I had never heard of before, learning to use numerous different machines, techniques and assays etc.

...so as to improve the current practices while looking for better and potentially more effective ways out.---Out of what?

They'll be lucky to have you as a student! Your essay is well written and it shows your personality. Good luck in school and have fun!

Graduate / SOP- PhD Environmental Engineering (membrane separations) [4]

I am committed to advancing my cross-cultural and global engagement through my research.

The most impactful ---This is not actually a word, but you can rearrange the sentence to say, for example, the situation which had the greatest impact on you...

Although, the concept of hierarchical nanomaterials as components of multifunctional membranes was very exciting, the catalytic reaction of reducing 4-nitrophenol to 4-aminophenol in our multifunctional membrane was not.---Please elaborate and tell why not!

My drive and passion for Environmental Engineering will help me to excel in my future research, and my ability to work as part of a team and take an initiative will be an asset to XXX University.

They'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Artwork and my personal beliefs about current social issues' SAIC Written Statement [2]

In the present time,My artwork could best be said to represent my personal beliefs about current social issues.---I cut the beginning few words, because it made your essay seem immediately juvenile. If you were speaking, you would not start with 'in the present time', unless you were also going to speak of some other time. You just don't need it there. For example, many essays have the words 'in life' all throughout the essay...even once, bothers me, because anyone reading the essay will automatically know that the writer definitely means while they are alive, unless they are writing a ghost story or something.

I hope that, throughby engaging design and other aesthetic choices ---Not sure what word belongs here, but am sure it isn't 'choices', unless you elaborate with perhaps a choice of mediums, colors, etc.

..., that my audience will be influenced to ask the vital questions of "so what?" and "why?" behind the piece.

... to create artwork from life between the unpredictable Michigan weather---and what?--- in my own free time.

While drawing and graphic design makes up the majority of my current portfolio, I also have a variety of canvases and also love to create paper mache models to explore upon.

Good luck in school and have fun!~

:)

Undergraduate / 'Volunteering at out-patient orthopedic setting' - review for PTCAS [2]

In the spring of 2010, I signed up for an athletic training course, called Musculoskeletal Rehabilitation.

On the first day of class I met the professor __________, but I didn't know she would change my life forever as well as be my future research mentor.

She was interesting when she taught, but had a very genuine concern for the art and science of rehabbing the human anatomy, which could be seen instantly.

She suggested spending some time in a clinical setting to see if my interest in rehabilitation had a true calling, and signed me up for Therapeutic Modalities in the fall.

After a tough few weeks, we had him back to standing straight with a tall neck and visible smile, and most importantly able to continue his most beloved activities with his grand-son.

When I saw the jubilant reaction he had on the day he was cleared, it was a feeling I never wanted to stop witnessing, and I knew that physical therapy was for me.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Essays / How to write a song Review for History of California class? [2]

Here are some places that will help you at least get an idea of what to write. If you check these out, I think your paper will almost write itself! If you have time, send it through here when you're finished if you think it needs polishing.

ehow.com/how_5032515_write-song-analysis-english-class.html

exampleessays.com/viewpaper/20466.html

dartmouth.edu/~writing/materials/student/.../music.shtml

ehow.com/how_2313458_write-critical-analysis.html