Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay - Welfare Programs [6]

Greetings!

You're a good writer and I think you've laid the basis for an excellent essay! There is one thing I'd like you to think about, though. What struck me was that you almost seemed to be talking about two different subjects. The first was that welfare programs are sometimes necessary and beneficial. The second, that Ontario needs to substantially expand its welfare programs. It is one thing to say that welfare is necessary in some "situations," and another to say that it is so great that it should be expanded and used to support people their entire lives.

Just something to think about!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Children of the trash" - Concise narrative - UF campus community [3]

Greetings!

What a moving and heartfelt essay! I doubt that the admissions committee could read this and forget about you--this essay will stay with them. I would not change a word of it. The only editing suggestion I have is this:

"Children of the trash". - it should be "children of the trash." Use a small "c" and, when writing American English, always put the period inside the quotation mark, even if it seems counter-intuitive. The only exception to that rule is for single letters, like "a".

I hope the school of your choice realizes what an asset you would be, and admits you quickly!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Need help with a reasearch paper about food safety [10]

Greetings!

You might want to start with a statistic [which you'll have to find], like, "Last year, x number of people became ill from food poisoning and as many as x number died. In order to protect their health, consumers must follow appropriate food safety guidelines regarding food storage and pay close attention to food expiration dates. Only by understanding and following the proper procedures can people avoid food poisoning."

I did a quick internet search with "food safety expiration date" as the search terms and a plethora of articles popped up. Give that a try and see if it helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / How to write a differential diagnosis essay? [5]

Greetings!

A differential diagnosis is a systematic method of diagnosing disease by noting the symptoms, listening to the patient's description of his complaints, taking the patient's personal and family history, running tests and ultimately arriving at a diagnosis. So, I would assume that to write the essay, you would run through the complaints, symptoms, history, etc. and propose some different diagnoses that fit (the differential part) and then decide which one fits best (the "most likely" diagnosis.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / BEAUTIFUL MIND schizophrenia - essay! [2]

Greetings!

While you have some good information about schizophrenia in your outline, it reads like you are writing two different essays. If the main point of the paper is to describe Nash, you should start your essay writing about him, and about what a profound effect schizophrenia had on his life. From there, you can go into what the disease is, how it affects people, give examples of this from the movie, talk about treatment options, what Nash tried and why he stopped and conclude by reiterating what a difficult disease it is and what Nash's outcome was. If you follow your outline as is, I'm concerned that your essay will suffer its own form of schizophrenia! Make sure the parts where you write about the disease flow from and back into the main focus, which is the character in the movie.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'From Albania to England' - personal and informative essay [6]

You may post it here if you like, if it has not been previously posted on another site. :-)

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Speeches / 'without hurting anyone' - Presentation about a person I admire [4]

Greetings!

I think you have a good start here. It could be even better if you were to relate a specific incident as an example of how well Mr. Habib handled situations. Can you think of a particular occasion that stands out in your mind?

Here are some editing tips:

He is an honest and hardworking person

He's a person who can easily get along with everyone and get all the work done without hurting anyone. He always see how a thing will affect [delete "in"] the future and according to that makes his decisions, and then moves on.

I've learnt to respect other people's opinions and how to taggle [taggle is not a word; do you mean how to get along with?] with different people smoothly in the organisation. He is the kind of person whom everyone can work under happily. I always admired him for his hard work and the achievements he made.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Eng101 essay (personal essay); natural disater? [11]

Greetings!

I've done some more editing for you:

After seeing the baby, we were very excited. But that didn't last long. I went on to more complications after that. Once Dr.Bansori finished with the placenta, she did the episiotomy: surgical cut. While she was doing the stitches, the pain blocker wore off. I was in so much pain, I started to cry. I told the doctor that it seemed unbearable. Soon they gave me the second dosage, then I was unconscious. I couldn't remember anything. But I heard from my husband that they took me to the operating room and finished the remaining suturing. My hubby said "Before you went to the OR they got my signature. I was frightened and couldn't enjoy my new fatherhood at that time". They neither allowed my husband with them nor allowed him to see me from outside.

It was 12.15 am. When I woke up, I was stunned and asked myself, "Where am I?" Because I was not in the labor room; nobody else was there. The room looked dingy with its yellow light and dark, dirty floor. I panicked. Then I rang the button for the nurse; I was wheeled to the nursery to see my baby and then I was moved to the recovery room by my wonderful nurse. Though I got disturbed sleep and emptied stomach, I nursed my baby three times that night. The nurse had said colostrum--first milk--was very nutritious. I wondered about that, when I nursed her for the first time; she was eating like a horse. We had spent three days at the hospital. I got the best service. Ovia was at the nursery while at the hospital.

At five in the afternoon, we returned home from the hospital. It was a bright sunny day. She blinked her eyes when she got the flashing sunbeam from a cloud. My mom received us at home. The early weeks of life with a new baby were a big challenge. I would say that postpartum period was very stressful, even more so than delivery. I was likely to feel exhausted, excited, frazzled, and sleep deprived; also scared, as a first time mom. As a small infant, she wanted to be held a lot and be close to me a lot. Of course, babies need and require a lot of attention. But they all went to work; [who went to work?] I still was on painkillers; no time to eat and less time to sleep; stacks of house chores; mountains of laundry: I felt overwhelmed. There was a huge difference between reading about sleep deprivation and actually living it. Because of my sleep deprivation I felt lethargy, irritability and difficulty in concentration. I guess much less sleep is an unspoken rule in motherhood. I kept on changing, feeding; all of a sudden, my entire world such as school, work, friends and relatives changed overnight. I hardly spent time with my husband, and had no time for myself.

Eight weeks later, I felt better and went to work: we left Ovia at the daycare. Things were really going well. But she often got sick while there. So I quit my job and stayed home with the baby.

...

Writing Feedback / Tokugawa & sakoku - essay [2]

Greetings!

A well-written and interesting essay! I have just a few editing tips:

The raison d'ętre of the Tokugawa shogun's decision to implement a seclusion policy (sakoku) may be rooted in the Japanese ruling classes' fear of being unable to escape foreign threats and domestic unrest.

On the one hand, the shogunate deemed that European voyagers had initiated commercial relations with the Japanese in order to progressively extend the European political influence throughout Japan to overcome the local and centralized political organization.

instil = instill

Furthermore, some religious sanctuaries were even transformed into Christian churches or schools.

the growing Christian influence within his country was the warning sign of European monarchs' ambitions

On the other hand, the shogunate considered that the European missionaries had disseminated the seeds of social unrest in the form of the Christian faith to challenge the Japanese unity.

The European missionaries' precipitation for preaching - I don't think "precipitation" is the word you want here; perhaps "propensity"?

Finally, the Tokugawa shogunate had succeeded in eliminating the jeopardy that could have breached the shogun authority and thus obliterate the Japanese social unity.

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Need help with a reasearch paper about food safety [10]

Greetings!

Food safety is a topic that many people just didn't think about too much until recently. As a result of a number of illnesses due to tainted food in the past year or two, this subject has moved to the front of many consumers' minds. There a several ways you could approach the subject. One that would be fairly easy to find sources on would be those highly public recalls. One was, if memory serves, due to the presence of e. coli in packaged spinach. For a while, it was impossible to even find fresh spinach in grocery stores. Many people became ill, and there were even a few deaths. Last year, it was Peter Pan peanut butter, which was recalled after many people became ill from salmonella poisoning. The factory where it was made had to be re-vamped and Peter Pan only became available again this August (finally!) Another food safety issue is food irradiation. Although it is designed to make food safe from bacteria, some people worry about long-term health effects. Then, there are "designer" foods which are engineered through mutations; many people worry about whether those are safe, too, though the companies which make them are adamant that they are.

So, as you can see, finding ideas isn't hard--it's deciding on one that will be the challenge!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Oral Report Based on Wilco Book Review [2]

Greetings!

I think that's a very creative way to lead into the presentation of your book review! By engaging the class's participation, you will hold their attention. Then, when you present them with a picture that is not familiar to them, they will be intrigued and want to know more. In this day of mega-media marketing, it is very interesting to learn of a band with a different approach.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay describing my personality and decisions - Grad School Essay. [5]

Greetings!

I think you've written an excellent essay! I have just a few editing suggestions, which are in bold:

A couple of years later, in 1999, a phone call from one of the co-founders of a web company that was later bought by eBay, confronted me with a question that led me to the most difficult decision.

Two days went by where I was torn between the onetime chance to be a part of a new great business and live up my motto or finalize my thesis and graduate as planned to see the proud look in my parents' eyes.

Finally, I concluded that my priority was to finish what I had started. I yielded my master's with an excellent grade some months later,

Recently, I was able to lead one proposal to a successful end where we could agree with the client on a new project with a total volume of 5 million euros.

I realize that there are many ways I can live up to my motto and I am eager to continue this path.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / use of Extrensic rewards for classroom management [3]

Greetings!

This is an interesting topic! One type of extrinsic reward that can have positive effects in the classroom is the "token economy" system. Students who complete certain activities or perform appropriate behaviors can earn tokens which can then be traded in for tangible reward items or activities the students enjoy, such as being allowed time to play computer games. This can also be used in reverse fashion, where students start with a given number of tokens and have them taken away for negative performance. This has the benefit of being relevant to real-world situations, where employees earn incentives, or suffer adverse consequences at their jobs for inadequate performance.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Teaching mathematics; - PERSONAL STATEMENT [12]

Greetings!

I'm glad to help!

Active participation in a variety of activities has enhanced my confidence in my abilities. One such activity was my internship with the Women Aid Trust this year. It was a gratifying experience to help poor and distressed women to rehabilitate their lives. In addition, I held the posts Student Council G-Sec in 2007 [should this be 2006?] and President in 2007. In these capacities, I brought to light some of the basic problems the students faced and was successful in resolving them. My most memorable contribution was to organize a Model United Nations involving 20 different schools in Islamabad. I used my skills to teach leadership, organizational skills, crisis resolution and event management.

I was chosen by my school as the Head Delegate of the School Links Program organised by the British Council. My participation in this program ignited my interest in British education and, with my experience with the GCE O level and A level programs, I feel confident to apply for the undergraduate programs at the leading British universities.

I look forward to the challenge of designing mathematical models and other applications of mathematical knowledge in my career. I believe that the wide spectrum of curriculum and highly supportive faculties at the top class British universities will help me to excel. My background will allow me to prove myself as a student in the outstanding research facilities and rigorous scholastic environment provided by the British education system.

I don't know how far you are over your word limit, but I tried to cut it down where possible. I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Eng101 essay (personal essay); natural disater? [11]

Greetings, Anu!

The assignment instructions don't say that it can't be childbirth, so there really shouldn't be a problem with writing it on that topic. To stretch it to three pages won't be that difficult; just continue writing about what happened while you were in the hospital, and describe in more detail about the sleep deprivation and stress of new motherhood after you got home. It was the huge jump into the future, to the toddler years, that seemed out of place. Keep the continuity going, from the childbirth experience at the hospital to the period directly after that, at home, and your paper will flow much better. See if you can write the last page and then I can help you with some more editing. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Eng101 essay (personal essay); natural disater? [11]

Greetings!

I have edited the first half for you, but because there are quite a few mistakes in grammar, punctuation and spelling, there is a limit to how much I can do on this free site. I would suggest that you run your paper through a spell-checker and also be aware of some basic rules:

1. Always put a space after a comma or period (but not before).
2. Watch your tenses; some of your writing is in the past tense, as it should be, but some is in the present tense.
3. Only capitalize proper nouns (names like Dr. Bansori), except for the pronoun "I" which is always capitalized.
4. Write out numbers less than 10. (terrible twos)

It was around 2.15 am. I was woken up by some sharp pains in my tummy. Initially, I thought it was a kick made by my unborn, baby-I was in my 39th week of pregnancy. I decided to eat something, but I did not want to disturb my husband.

Book Reports / Book Review Project: "Wilco: Learning How To Die" [4]

Greetings!

I think you have done a splendid job! I understand what you mean about writing about the band's story vs. the book itself. It's difficult for me to tell, not having read the book, but as far as I can see, it appears to be a good balance.

Your section on style is very good, especially your observations about pace. You're an excellent writer! It looks as though you're well on your way.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Otaku - Explaining with examples essay [5]

Greetings!

I would guess that "cosplay" is short for "costume play"? If so, you could say: He regularly attended anime convention and "cosplay," or costume play, shamelessly showing off his elaborate costumes of anime characters.

It's going to be difficult to express the last bit ironically, if you keep in the description of what he did as "an eerily beautiful thing." I like that phrase, but if you mean it, then it seems that the admiration is real and the irony isn't. Perhaps you could find a middle ground with something like: I admire his dedication, and only hope that I can achieve similar greatness--perhaps in something with a little more real-world application.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Speech-language pathology - essay opinion needed [5]

Greetings!

You've got the right idea, but to make the opening work, it has to be a little more "in the moment"; you might try something like this:

Barbara looked up at me, her eyes shining, as the computer showed she had gotten another answer right. A 60-year-old woman who had suffered a stroke a few months before, Barbara had come a long way, thanks to her hard work in our series of communication-building computer sessions. Before she left, Barbara smiled and hugged me tightly; from that moment on, I knew that speech therapy was the profession that was meant for me.

You can see how the tone is more personal and the action draws the reader in, engaging the emotions (just a bit) as well as the mind. You don't want to overdo it, of course, in this context, but I think a little helps make it more memorable.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Teaching mathematics; - PERSONAL STATEMENT [12]

Greetings!

I'm not sure what an "NGO" is, but if it is important for your studies, you should definitely include it, as well as the school links council, if that is something which demonstrates your knowledge, involvement, character, or other attributes which reflect positively on you.

Your conclusion should look something like this:

I look forward to my future and the challenge of designing mathematical models and other applications of mathematical knowledge in my career. I believe that the excellent curriculum and teaching staff of [insert name of university] will help me to achieve my goals and will be grateful for the opportunity to prove myself in the rigorous scholastic environment you provide.

If you can think of one more sentence for the last paragraph, that would be a good idea, to make sure it's long enough.

For your autobiography, I would suggest writing it as if you are in the middle of telling a story about something that happened (will happen) during your illustrious career as a mathematician. Perhaps you are receiving a special prize for your research, or one of your creations. By asking for page 217, they are wanting something that shows what you hope to achieve farther down the road, when you are well into your career. Give it some thought, and see what you come up with.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / COMPUTERS, the most intriguing and complicated things in the world [2]

Greetings!

I think you've done a great job with your essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:

During the times, I spent most of my time reading and practicing computer programming. - During what times? Be more specific here.

networking equipment like the 2600 series router. - "equipment" is always singular. You'll need to correct it each time it occurs in your essay.

one of my areas of interest is programming and the other is computer networking, in particular Cisco equipment and concepts.

[delete "So far"] I am on the verge of consummating the necessary course requirements

The seven levels of the OSI model with their realization using equipment and networking components, IP addressing, subnetting, including VLSM and their troubleshooting, router and switch configurations and IP routing are among the concepts I already shade lights in my study. - that last phrase in bold does not make sense to me.

By April of 2007 I will have enough results in order to defend my CCNA certificate, a few months earlier than the CCNA students finish the course in local Cisco academies here.

Successful learning requires modern equipment and facilities which, currently, Ethiopian universities cannot afford.

Great job! Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Speech-language pathology - essay opinion needed [5]

Greetings!

I think your essay flows quite well! The only thing I can think of that might make it stand out more would be to start with a personal anecdote about a particular person you helped, and how that experience affected you. That's optional, of course, but I've seen it make essays really stand out.

Aside from that, I have these editing suggestions:

I have always been interested in how people communicate with each other; whether through speech, listening, or nonverbal cues. - Semicolons are used to divide independent clauses; your second phrase cannot stand alone as a sentence, so use a comma instead of a semicolon.

It is a very gratifying experience to know that the people I am helping appreciate my efforts to help them build their skills. - "Person" is singular, so you should not use it with "they."

your fine university. - While I am sure that you mean this, it is cliched enough to sound a little disingenuous. I'd avoid using the phrase "your fine university" and either insert the name of the school or, at the least, use a stronger word like "outstanding."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / Impact Essay (significant experience, achievement, risk) [2]

Greetings!

Annoying? No way! That's why we're here! Your excellent essay needs very little work; just a few suggestions:

when I won overall first place

Because, it wasn't the first time that someone had looked at me or my kinfolk in disbelief at showing well-roundedness or academic potential. - I'd delete "Because" and just start with "It." Otherwise, it appears to be a sentence fragment.

That day I decided I wanted to follow science, wherever it led me. I will forever thank that woman and her disbelief; the disbelief that encouraged my belief. - this might sound even better if you say "my belief in myself."

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Teaching mathematics; - PERSONAL STATEMENT [12]

Greetings!

I think your vocabulary is just fine! You need to have at least three sentences in your last paragraph. I'd move this sentence: "Active participation in my school life has also been rewarding for me. I was the General Secretary of student council in 2005 and the president in 2007." up to either the paragraph above it, or the one above that.

Your conclusion should essentially restate (in slightly different words) what you said in the opening here: "My ultimate desire, to design mathematical models, has inspired me to apply for the courses of engineering, Actuarial Sciences and Operations research. I believe that each of these courses will eventually pave my way and fulfill my desire." You might say something about how you are looking forward to attending that school and those courses which will allow you to achieve your goals.

Once you have it written, I'd be happy to edit it for you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / I like to see super heroes as a mock to society; Superhero Essay [2]

Greetings!

You've given your response to the question an interesting twist--very good!

There is little I would change, except this sentence:

Super heroism can be summed up by men in tights fighting crime and often portrayed, strangely enough, as idyllic. - I'm not sure that "idyllic" is really the right word here. It means something which is serene or charmingly simple, or even rustic; for example, "an idyllic spot for a picnic." You may have the word "idyll" confused with "idol." You might want to find another word.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Otaku - Explaining with examples essay [5]

Greetings!

You've written a great essay! I just have some editing tips:

My best friend is the most dedicated otaku--a person with obsessive interest in manga and anime or Japanese culture in general-that I had ever seen.

At eight years old, his introduction to the Japanese world would prove that their culture had created a monster. - When you start a sentence with a phrase that describes the subject ("At eight years old," the word that comes after the comma has to be that subject. Therefore, you need to say, "At eight years old, he ..." You could say "At eight years old, he was introduced to Japanese culture, which created a monster."

I feared that this was the beginning of his ascent toward the title of otaku king.

His expression could only have been described as pure bliss, as if he had died and gone to heaven. [the "had" is implied in "had gone"]

Fast-forward to the present: he had converted his parents' attic into his anime domain.

cosplay - ? This is not a recognized word; you need to explain it.

only hope that I can achieve the greatness that he has. - It is difficult to tell whether this is meant ironically. You have described someone with what sounds like an unhealthy obsession, yet call it "greatness," which is a little confusing.

Overall, a really good essay.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / Chilean /Steady Grades; Personal life&Aspirations - Biography(SCHOLARSHIP) [2]

Greetings!

You've written an excellent essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:

"Study my girl, or you'll end up like me, cleaning toilets."

how unusual my parents' pairing was.

My father, who worked in housekeeping in a run down hospital,

So, while I grew up in what I believed was an ideal balance of the world, I eventually realized I was living within a conflicted reality.

As a child, I often didn't notice their fights

how it was her fault he wore himself out physically at work.

I met people who were young, filled with life, and who enjoyed their jobs and weren't starving.

I thought I had only two choices - I studied what I wanted or I starved. But I realized that I didn't have to choose. - This ("I didn't have to choose") makes it sound like you could choose to both study what you wanted and to starve. Actually, the two choices--"I studied what I wanted or I starved"--don't really make sense. Shouldn't that be "I thought if I studied what I wanted, I would starve"?

You've obviously overcome some difficulties to get where you are. Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Teaching mathematics; - PERSONAL STATEMENT [12]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay. I just ran it through a spell-checker and made a few other corrections.

The application and significance of mathematics in every discipline of life from space sciences to managing daily experiences is what fascinates me the most. Its complexities and logical implications further aroused my profound interest in this subject. Solving complex mathematical problems give me infinite joy and immortal satisfaction. I believe that this passion has instilled in me logical, coherent and realistic thinking skills.

Book Reports / Book Review Project: "Wilco: Learning How To Die" [4]

Greetings!

You're right, this should be "its": Over the course of it's 244 pages

Style is not the mechanics of the writing, but the tone. It has to do with word choice, passive versus active voice, how fast the action moves along (more so in a novel, but perhaps applicable here, too), how formal the writing is, as opposed to using casual speech, tight or rambling, poetic or sparse, and so on. You could do an internet search on "writing style" and see if you can find out more about it if you're still not sure.

It's coming along very well--keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / I NEED AN OPENING STATEMENT on essay: challenging fate [3]

Greetings!

I'm wondering whether your essay holds, as an underlying assumption, the idea that one's fate is already decided? If it is, then obviously, whatever we do cannot change it. That would affect the way you would write the opening. Or perhaps your essay intends to explore the issue of whether our fate is pre-ordained, and arrive at the conclusion that it is not? At any rate, I can propose a possible opening for you:

We would all like to believe that the world is one of infinite possibilities, but this may be an illusion: perhaps our fate was decided from the moment we were born, reducing those infinite possibilities down to only one available path. What happens, then, if a person finds a way to jump off the path?

I hope this gives you some ideas to help get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / EMMA & HARRIET SMITH; AP LITERATURE- Essay on characterization [2]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! The only thing I might suggest is adding to your quotes a bit. When you say, "This shallow behavior is illustrated throughout the entirety of the passage; allowing for an intense look inside Emma's mind" it would be nice to follow up with an example of this "intense look." I also felt I really didn't get much of an introduction to Harriet; a quotation about her might help in this regard.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / AP Literature; THESIS STATEMENT & Introduction [4]

Greetings!

I think you've done a good job of pointing out the distinction between the two very different ways the women are characterized. I don't know what sort of word limit you might be working with, but if you have room, you might give just a brief quotation for both, demonstrating the difference, to further bolster your position. Usually, specifics are preferable to generalities, as a means of supporting a position.

I hope this is helpful!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Defining Classic (Extended Definition Essay) [4]

Greetings!

I think you've done a masterful job of fine-tuning your essay! And you're quite right about "it's" and "its" causing problems for many people. I'd say the majority of people aren't really sure about when to use which one. The rule itself is really quite simple, however: "its" is always possessive, like "his" or "hers"; "it's" always means "it is." If you can't substitute "it is" in place of your "its" you need to make sure it has no apostrophe, because it must be possessive!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / thesis statement and introductry paragraph [10]

Greetings!

I think you may have gone a little offtrack when you started talking about his "work ethics." The most important thing that you have failed to mention is the irony inherent in the character of the Pardoner. He is a hypocrite, who preaches against the very corruption, greed and extortion he practices. Nonetheless, by telling the tale of his own corruption, the Pardoner is able to teach others not to follow his example. Through the character of the Pardoner, Chaucer is able to subtly criticize the corrupt practices of the Catholic Church in his writing (which could be a dangerous thing to do, if done too directly), while endorsing the underlying religious principles for which the Church stood.

See if you can incorporate some of those ideas and get those additional points!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / How to write a good advertising article? [2]

Greetings!

With any website it's important to remember that people can't visit it if they can't find it! So, first of all, the websites must be set up so that their keywords--the ones people will use in an internet search to find the site--are used properly and often on the website's home page. Then, you want your promotional advertising to also capture the essence of the site by using those key words effectively in the ads. Think about the strengths of the website--what is it designed to do? Sell a product? provide a service? and make sure that your ads can immediately capture the attention of someone who is not only actively looking for such a site, but who might be drawn in to it just because it sounds interesting. Make the most important words the most prominent ones; don't clutter up your ad with extraneous information that might be confusing. The function of your ad is slightly different from that of your website--you want it to make people go there; once there, your site must sell itself. So, stress what makes your site better and different, e.g., lower prices, or a service which is unavailable elsewhere.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Need a topic and assistance with writing a descriptive essay [5]

Greetings!

I think you've just freaked yourself out a little by waiting til the last minute. Relax, and remember that it is easiest to write about something you are very familiar with, especially in a descriptive essay. Do you have any hobbies? Let's say, for example, you like to create your own videos and upload them to YouTube. You could describe, step by step, how you go about doing that. Or perhaps, one summer when you were a kid, you helped your mom grow cherry tomatoes (like I did). You could describe the hot sun baking into the earth, the distinctive scent of the tomato vines, the soft plop of a ripe, warm tomato falling into your hand. All you really have to do is envision that "something" with which you are so familiar, and the description will start to come to you. Don't sweat it--first, engage your memory, then just start to write!

Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / help with graduate admission into Masters of Science and the Public [8]

Greetings!

When you are working on making the sentences a little more manageable, keep in mind that it is almost always more interesting to read about specific examples than about vague generalities. For example, I found this interesting: "As a radio host at the college radio station, I learned how to research and develop topical beats and talking points that would keep the listeners' interest for the entire two-hour period by balancing commercial and music breaks to foster a personal friendship with the audience" (if a little long for one sentence). However, I found my interest waning when I got to this part: "Education and technology always seem to be developing side by side and educators are always searching for new innovative ways of teaching. Education in colleges today is ever changing." These are rather obvious observations and as such, are not all that interesting. You might try to find a way to spice this up a little.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Political value of surface and identity in a repressive society [2]

Greetings!

My interpretation would be that "politics" or "political value" would mean, in this instance, the furtherance of the political agenda of the party in power in the repressive society. By keeping the members of society (in the case of Iran, the female members) in conformance with a narrowly defined identity, the society appears, on its surface, to be in accord: a well-ordered, stable, uniform society, ruled by an apparently powerful government. By encouraging its members to buy into this identity (and punishing them if they do not), the government retains its power and limits insurrection.

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Reed Essay (interest in a liberal arts and science education) [3]

Greetings!

I like what you've done with the ending! Very nice!

If the word limit is 500, you should not go over 500; however, that is easily fixed by rewriting your first sentence like this:

When I was in middle school, I didn't give much thought to applying to high school.

And a couple of corrections:
And those, too, I wanted to learn about. Sooner, rather than later,

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / FSU ESSAY - "Pick your favourite and meaningful quote" [2]

Greetings!

Your essay is excellent, and nearly perfect. I have only a couple of small suggestions:

I strive to be great. If you look throughout history, great people at one point in their life failed and they were never afraid of failure. - I changed the punctuation; you need either a period or semicolon, and I think a period works better. I also added a comma.

I'd be honored to be admitted - I would recommend not using contractions; say "I would"

The only other suggestion is that you might want to tie your last sentence to your quote by saying something like "I may not hit 100% of the shots I take, but I will not hesitate to take that winning shot."

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com