Writing Feedback / A mistake i learned from - narrative essay [2]

The pleasant man from the phone call was actually the head coach of the basketball team. He told me a lot of good things about the school and the basketball program.

I didn't suspect that I would injure it again in just couple month later. Surgery on my knee wasn't an appealing idea at all, but I had to do it. Later on, I was on crutches and in the huge pain, which emanated from the inside of my right knee.

In the first couple days almost every person I knew came to visit me and see how I was doing, except one person: the coach.

For person who needed support, those words were shocking . In same second, in my head blasted a picture of a ...

I think you can improve this a lot by adding one sentence to the end of the first paragraph and one sentence to the end of the last paragraph. Let those two sentences say something about the same philosophical idea. You might reflect on what you learned from the experience, and make an observation. You can connect the first and last paragraph by adding a sentence to each.

It will be good to do that, because the last paragraph seems to end too quickly, too abruptly.

Graduate / Masters Program for Global Health [5]

Show them your serious and purposeful attitude. Explain your plan in a succinct but specific way. Look at other admissions essays and see what ideas arise in your mind.

The most important advice, in my opinion, is to write something tailored to the school you are sending it to. You show how serious you are when you explain you plan. What is your plan now?

Whatever your plan is, you have a solid background with those 7 years of service. I think you should present yourself as a single-minded, idealistic professionals with high aspirations. I think that because of your impressive real-world experience, you will do well to write the essay as a matter of course, as if this specific school is a component in your well-thought out plan.

Is there a prompt or question for the essay you are supposed to write?

Essays / Help on thesis statement Subject: Greek heroism [13]


That is the greatest advice for this. You really have a lot of freedom in how you go about it, as long as you keep track of the sources so that you can easily cite them later. You can just read about each hero, write notes, and watch for a theme to emerge. Enjoy your reading and note-taking, and make sure to include a citation for each note you take.

You can't expect to come up with a theme until you do a little reading. Otherwise, you'll be guessing. For example, you might argue that the four heroes all had "stubbornness" as a common trait. If you read about your four heroes, you might see that they were al known for being stubborn, so you can argue this way.

It will definitely be easier if you think of it as four papers as you start. Write about the three heroes you have chosen, and you'll suddenly decide on a fourth as you are writing.

Writing Feedback / What essential skills young people should have in our complex society? [14]


Those sentences are necessary sometimes; it's okay! I make stylistic corrections by cutting out fluff. Fluff is the stuff that does not serve much of a purpose but takes up a lot of room! So, much of it is a matter of opinion.

Some it not just opinion, though, like the first mistake that SairaTasartir mentioned, above:

These skills teach students know how to communicate with each other...

As for those transitions, they are necessary. If you are clever, though, you can minimize them. They are cumbersome, but they are necessary!

Graduate / Mechanical Engineering "Plug and Play" essay [4]

I think that if you read several examples of SOP online, you'll know just how you want to write yours. You really have to establish for yourself a respectable "purpose" before you can write a successful SOP. I can tell you have not formed a clear purpose, because you would have told us in your post. How are you going to make a significant difference as a mechanical engineer? Why is it important for humanity to have you as a mechanical engineer educated at this particular school? You have to envision the future in a clear way, and, through this little essay, give the impression that you have such a clear, well-developed, specific plan for your process via this school -- that it would be a shame not to accept you.

A clear plan involving this school's specific programs and resources is what makes these successful. You are trying to convince a person that you are in the middle of a meaningful, well-conceived process.

You spend a few minutes giving it a try, and we'll give advice about what you've written.

Writing Feedback / Personal Objectivity of James Joyce- research paper [3]

This is going to be a great paper! You weave together the information very well. I only found two corrections to make:

One of Joyce's early experiences that built his contempt for the church came when his father, John Joyce, was criticized at for being pro-Parnell; the Catholic Church condemned Parnell for ...

By being exposed to different backgrounds and cultures, Joyce made his separation from religion, especially Catholicism, became even clearer.

Research Papers / Written Literature....a recent development? [6]

I suspect that the question refers to the long period of human history during which it was not recorded. "Recorded history" is quite a recent innovation compared to the rest of our process.

But like Ned said, "literature" implies written!

So, you can research "recorded history" to answer the question.

Writing Feedback / English Comp. CLEP- literary decline [3]

This is a great essay! You should feel very confident. You can work on fine tuning it now, with details like this:

This is a phenomenon that amplifies the greater the distance of with time, and it is ever more apparent as time progresses.

No semi-colon is necessary here: Even in the short space of time between The Lord of the Rings and Eragon, diction, style and clarity have declined rapidly.

Nevermind, though...You write very well already!!

Undergraduate / Another school in Washington Personal Statement[transfer] [4]

Kofi Annan was the Secratary General of the UN, so don't just call him a diplomat. Maybe you should start by writing:

Former Secretary General of the United Nations Kofi Annan notes, "It has been said that arguing against globalization is like arguing against the laws of gravity...

And I think you should end your first paragraph here:
whether that was International Marketing or International Studies.
HoweverLast spring I was fortunate enough to sign up for a globalization course...

That will improve the structure...

:)

Research Papers / Six Characteristics of Life [8]

You have to have something to say about it! That is always the problem.

It's probably best to make some general observation as the theme for what you write. Here is some help to come up with an idea.

essortment.com/all/characteristics_rbrc.htm

Writing Feedback / English Comp. CLEP essay - "guns outnumber the population" [4]

Therefore , his proposal is an adept way of limiting the damage done to society through..

(Above) Technically, you are not supposed to start sentences with "and" "but" or "or."

And Best of all, it will be harder for under-aged people...

You have great grammar! Just sometimes, little bit of awkwardness:
Criminals already have guns, but they would be limited in their use of those guns if it was especially harder to obtain ammo.

You'll do great!

Writing Feedback / We can know something about a person by the way he dresses. [18]

Bob, that is impressive. Did you use the help of any computer program for that? It is such a great help; if a student is willing to use that help carefully, s/he can improve in skill very much. It will take time to understand all those corrections, but they include lots of knowledge for anyone willing to study them and Google around for explanations.

Writing Feedback / English Comp. CLEP - "Discontent is vital to growth and development" [7]

Don't miss this helpful new post from Sean about basic introductory structures in essays, which will be great to review.

Men like Leonardo Da Vinci would never have existed , and victories such as the American Revolution and Civil Rights Movement would never occur.

(Just an idea, above)

Great job; this is the second essay about complacency that I have seen today. You and I both helped to correct that other one...

Writing Feedback / 'Some empires refused to learn from history' - English Comp. CLEP - practice essay [3]

In the first paragraph, you'll start out stronger if you write, "can be taken to mean" instead of:
It would seem that the first segment, "The more things change..." refers to ...

If you write what it ca be taken to mean, you gain credibility by acknowledging the plurality of possible interpretations -- rather than jumping to a conclusion.

In that first para, you should also state outright that you agree. You did write, "This is true," but I think you should, in tat first paragraph, clearly state that you are arguing in support of the statement in question.

What have you learned from history? That is cool. History does repeat itself. Essentially, your essay is an argument that history repeats itself, so... in that sense, you may have oversimplified the matter. But it is a great essay!

You are a great writer; please check out the EF Contributors page, (link at bottom of screen). It's a cool thing to put on a resume or college application. I saw some great help you gave to others in these forums.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement ("It is important to break the pattern!") [5]

Here is an alternative for handling that first sentence:

...barely noticeable "hum" in agreement -- eit her afraid of receiving...

I guess I like SairaTasartir's idea of keeping it as 2 sentences... You choose the way you like.

I also suggest combining the first two paragraphs to make them one. The first paragraph is the core of the essay, and it should hint at, or state outright, the theme of the essay.

You need to make sure you do not write in sentence fragments. Below, I'll add a subject to go with the predicates (you can google subject and predicate if you get confused):

It means to avoid falling into comfortable routines that limit you; to avoid settling for anything less when you know there is more to find; to work with your full potential towards goals and objectives you set day to day; to be curious in life, and to lead yours curiously!

I think a good word to use in this essay is "complacency". Look up that one. Your grandma is smart!

From grade four, I had grown accustomed to weekly exams...

Well done! This is great, but learn about subject and predicate for complete sentences. :))

Writing Feedback / What essential skills young people should have in our complex society? [14]

Hello! I picked up at paragraph 3, and here are some more fixes. Once you sort through all this, repost and we'll see how it looks!

In addition, the skills of planning and organizing are to young people what the foundation is to a skyscraper, water is to fish, the heart is to a human.

These skills teach students know how to communicate with each other, how to work together and how to challenge themselves.

We may point out the astonishing fact that the college is going to hold a ceremony.
How about, "Say, for example, the college was going to have a ceremony."The student who has the ability to plan and organize,will be able to assist in the activities.

Such as who drew the posters, who contacted the supporters , and who make decision to invitewhich people.

Finally, the society changes every second, becoming more complicated and challenging.the new complicated and challenged society that lead to, if the
If young people do not how to plan and how to organize, they cannot adapt very well.

Only when they have mastered the skills of planning and organizing, can they be confident to say they are fully prepared to manage the world.

The parents and the teachers should help students to realize the significance of good planning and organizational skills,and provide more chances for the young people to practice these abilities.

:)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay - Parents are the best teachers (Devotion and penetration) [8]

It is okay if you ask a very meaningful, intelligent question that pertains to the thesis.

Undergraduate / New Personal Statement [transfer], University of Washington Seattle [4]

I plopped down on the chair anxiously waiting for my advisor to enter the door with a disdain look on her face. Can you end this sentence differently? It is not quite right...

...flashback to my high school years.Right here, start a new paragraph.

In addition, in the beginning of April, I accepted a Public Relation internship with "The Legal Balance." With a lot of work, coffee, and long nights I learned that communicating with others and implementing my creativity is not only rewarding but exhilarating. Within weeks, I earned and was appointed to the position of Contact Manager, and I tackled various projects from making flyers to putting together a testimonial.

Make those changes and I think it will be better! It is an impressive essay already.

Writing Feedback / narrative essay- giving birth, its not graphic [2]

Hyphens: It was two-thirty in the afternoon on a gorgeous sunny, fall, Tuesday. My favorite day of the week. I received a long-awaited phone call from Tacoma General hospital.

She was a very quiet, middle-a ged Asian lady, with kind eyes...

Okay, I figured out what the story is missing. You know, every movie or novel or TV show... everything you enjoy involves some TENSION and then resolution. Your story is well-written, and I know YOU had tension that day, but the reader does not feel any tension while reading the story.

What can you say at the start of this to make the reader worry about how it is going to end? Can you start it with a misleading, somber tone? Can you tell something about a complication to the pregnancy? Anything to make it a story with a conflict and a resolution.

You could achieve this even by mentioning, in the first paragraph, that you are going to tell a secret about childbirth, about the serenity that immediately follows the pain. You need to connect the beginning to the end, and add some tension... some conflict. For excitement!

Writing Feedback / " Rising divorce rate"- Cause and effect essay [9]

That is so interesting to think of marriage as a custom independent of religion. I was brought up Catholic, so marriage was a religious thing. I thought that, in general, it was religious. However, even though many people get married they are not always religious. But anyway, in my experience it seems that marriage and religion are closely related.


It is okay to create examples. the greatest teachers ever made up parables and folk tales. You can cite common examples, like... well, you can mention some very successful married couples who avoided divorce by avoiding the things you give as causes. Plenty of world leaders have successful marriages, because they want to show that they are stable, reliable.

Look, you ended this with a mistake! In conclusion, couples should only think of divorce as a final solution after they have considered carefully the pros and cons that it may bring about for their life and their children. This is like an ARGUMENTATIVE essay! You should conclude with a little discussion of what it means that these things cause divorce -- conclude by reflecting on the causal relationship you described.

How do you avoid overlap? Write paragraphs this way:

Write a topic sentence that makes a point; write a body sentence that expands on it or explains it; write another body sentence that gives an example of it; write a conclusion sentence that mentions the point from that sentence in connection with a point from the next paragraph.

I hope that answers your question a little!!

Undergraduate / Transfering from UTD to UT Austin - Statement of Purpose [11]


Maybe this is not quite right. I don't know how to fix it... How about:

As if tax day was not stressful enough...

On April 15, 2005, on our way home from a dreaded thyroid biopsy, we heard the news.

Start a new paragraph after:
down her cheeks.
Can you see how that will make for a strong first paragraph?

This really is a great story. Let's see that revised draft when you write it!

Essays / Thesis Statement about the most influential people in your life [3]

Great idea... and it helps to come up with a single overarching theme if possible -- so that the three aspects are integrated by the essay's common theme. Could the theme be "loyalty," or "optimism," for example?

Writing Feedback / Outline-- Responses in relation to the attacks of September 11 [5]


Break this (above) into a few sentences, instead of one long, convoluted one.

The majority of the students stated that they did not feel safe in the...

However, the final results for Walker and Chestnut proved suggest that ethnocultual variables had little impact on how people reacted to the attacks.

Hey, this is all very good! Your coverage of the study by Walker and Chestnut, and your thorough approach; I think this will be a big success. Look at some articles on racial profiling for more ideas. Good luck!!!

Letters / Globalization - an opinion letter in essay form [12]

He later found a job at a chicken processing plant in a small ...

Other than the above, I saw no mistakes. The essay is technically sound, but...

I think it is hard to argue against something that you admit is as natural as gravity. Isn't it pointless to argue about something that is inevitable?

I wonder if you could argue against the exploitation that is made possible by globalization -- rather than globalization itself.

I recently read that American businesses offshore work to India and that, although this helps the economy in India, America sells its goods and services to India and ends up profiting in the long run -- hurting India's economy. That supports your argument, but... Globalization itself enables people in poor countries to be employed by companies in wealthy countries... evening the odds. In general, it is a process that promotes equity.

However, you could ake your whole essay stronger by saying all the sae things about the EXPLOITATION of developing countries, and not globalization itself.

Undergraduate / Statement of purpose / design (student exchange program) [3]

Also, I experienced the foreign cultures and met diverse people during the travel.
Oh, I see that Anna corrected that already! Here are some other ideas:

I also wanted to improve my sense of arts and the understanding of cultures...

...my curiosity about learning different cultures was getting growing .

If I want to be born in a bigger world, I have to strive to be the best.

I think your English is almost perfect already!

Essays / The Good Earth, Pearl S. Buck [4]

The concept of women and women's rights has not only been a struggle for the American culture but also others cultures , such as the Chinese culture.

For many years in America, women have fought for equal sex rights. Better watch your wording here, maybe 'sexual equality'?

They live by what they've known from previous generations of seeing their mothers and grandmothers being treated so; being sold off for marriage, being a slave in the household , and forbidden to work a "real" job ,or talk to men as if what they said mattered, and they couldn't even walk side-by-side of a man, they had to walk behind all men.

This sentence (above) needs to be revised for clarity, perhaps cut into two or more sentences.

At the beginning of the novel, The Good Earth, Wang Lung set up arrangements to find "his woman ". Not his soulmate or companion for the rest of his life but "his woman ".

He goes to the Great House in search of finding a women slave named O-lan. He talks to the Great Mistress of the house, as she describes O-lan as,

"This woman came into our house when she was a child of ten and here she has lived until now, when she is twenty years old...You can't have such a long quote. You could qoute a little and then paraphrase.

This quote is very meaningful in the way women are viewed in the Chinese culture.

I think It really shows me anyways that I should be grateful to have my freedom, as even some people today still do not have any rights based on their sex, religion, ethinicty.

How far we have come in America, united we stand, equal people, no matter the skin color, religion, or race. Some countries still struggle with this issue today, and from this book I am patriotic and grateful for our land of the free, America.

I think that if you add a strong sentence to the end of the last paragraph and cut back on the quotations, you're off to a good start.

:)

Writing Feedback / The Concept of Courage as Illustrated by Different Characters [3]

According to Atticus Finch, an honest lawyer in Harper Lee's novel "To Kill a Mockingbird", teaching the children that courage ...

Jem and Scout were made to come to her house to read for her every day. Mrs. Dubose asked them to come and read to her so as to distract her from the unmitigated agony.

He shows this when he says, "Simply because we were licked a hundred years before we started is no reason for us not to try and win ."

Still, he put Tom's well being before his own welfare.

Real courage is also illustrated by Tom Robinson in the courtroom, who gives his testimony at his life trial because he is accused by Mayella of taking advantage of her.

Tom is so honest he even makes a big mistake by telling her that he felt sorry for her.

That was a great book!
I just found a few things to correct, but good essay.

:)

Undergraduate / Essay for FSU (From Belgium to New Jersey) [6]

Being a complete foreigner to others ; I didn't fit in.

Ever since the first day of sixth grade till today I have been applying Vires as best as I can, and am glad to say my high moral and intellectual aspect on life helped me get all the way through it.

I bought beads, made a design, created the design, and sold my projects for a profit.

... by the age of nine I had made over € 600 in profit.

My life is defined by Vires and Artes; I am both intellectual and crafty.

I can truly say that moving across the world and learning to live in a completely different atmosphere has made me a stronger person than I might have been.

Yes, we are here to help you!
Here are a few things to fix, but your essay is coming along nicely!

:)

Undergraduate / 'in love with the stage' - Common App--Elaborate an Activity [13]

Starting out with acting, I got the chance to play the roles of people who I might never choose to be in my lifetime.

Screenwriting gave me the opportunity to create stories and plan what was going to happen to the characters.

...oversee the entire play production, from proscenium to backstage.

Sean is right, but here are a few minor fixes, in case you use these sentences.

:)

Writing Feedback / The Death Penalty is more costly than imprisoning someone for life [4]

The opening paragraph should be cut. I know what you mean about having difficulty opening up into the essay; it's tough! But that first para does not get to the real issue. The issue in your essay is not about whether it is inhumane.

Now, here is your thesis: The death penalty should be banned in the United States because crime rates have been unaffected. How do you know it has been unaffected? Maybe there would be more crime if capital punishment had not been used? I don't think that, necessarily, but it is a question that arises when I read your statement. Read an article in a scholarly journal... like.. nodeathpenaltywi.org/PDF/Deterrence%20Fact%20Sheet%209%2020% 2006.pdf

Now, instead of saying it "does not affect crime rates," say what these people say. Say, "Experts argue that it does not even deter crime."

Writing will be easy when you are comfortable with your thesis. When you wrote that this essay "stinks," I think you really were saying that it doesn't express your opinion quite right.

In the first paragraph, catch the reader's attention and give your thesis. In the second paragraph, give strong evidence to support what you say. All you have to do is say the same thing other people say, but in your own words. Then, put their name in parentheses! Repeat that process for every source you use, and in the conclusion para, expand on the thesis by considering the implications.

Undergraduate / Transferring from Wright College to Rockford College [3]

I think you should cut almost the whole first paragraph, because it makes you seem like a slacker. Start like this:

I respectfully am petitioning my admission to Rockford College for the fall semester of 2009. (Now write something about your goals for the future and why Rockford offers what you need -- and mention a specific resource or program at their school. Then, tell them that difficult circumstances caused your academic performance to suffer and that the transcript does not accurately reflect your potential. End the first para, and start telling the story in para #2:

The circumstances that have affected my academic experience were my lack of organization and study skills, family situations, and my last job. In August of 2007, I attended Northeastern Illinois University full-time (no comma necessary here) while maintaining a full-time job. When my first semester began, I seemed to be handling school and work very well. As the semester went on, it became very difficult; I began to receive more assignments and all at one time. I began slacking off in some classes and doing half the work believing that it would get me by. In December, I had received a letter stating that I was on academic probation at Northeastern and if I did not maintain the GPA needed to attend I would be dropped after the spring semester. After reading the letter, I was crushed.

Good luck with this!!!

Writing Feedback / " Rising divorce rate"- Cause and effect essay [9]

I think that last argument is weak. You talk about working hard, unemployment, stress at home -- and all of that is not exactly "industrialization." In fact, I think people have been under pressure all throughout the history of marriage, and marriage was a source of support.

Can you eliminate that last argument?

Just use the 2 good ones. It is true that marriage is being phased out because of society finally starting to embrace gender equality. Marriage is an old tradition from times when women had to play subservient roles. Many people in modern times think marriage is INHERENTLY oppressive to women -- and therefore obsolete.

If you need a third reason to replace "industrialization," how about the declining practice of religion? It is easy to find statistics to show that organized religion is less popular than ever; marriage was originally a religious ritual.

Writing Feedback / We can know something about a person by the way he dresses. [18]

At the end, I think you should acknowledge that, while judging someone by the way s/he dresses, you may also get bad MISCONCEPTIONS. However, much info is revealed through one's way of dressing.

Writing Feedback / Description Essay: The Rider [7]

Everything from The horizon goes on forever... to ... pushes the earth on its side. can be put into one paragraph. At the beginning of it, tack on a topic sentence that introduces the idea of the paragraph: The experience is unlike any other, because...

Now, the title refers to the rider, but the essay is about the rider's experience, so... maybe you should change the title. It is alright this way, but I wanted to let you know that I had that thought.

You say you are not very descriptive, but you seem descriptive to me! The important thing is the catch the reader's attention; try saying something unexpected at the start of some paragraphs.

Poetry / Poetry project, 8 different types of poetry [9]

These are great, and you have a unique style as a poet. I wonder if you play any instruments; someone who understands expression through poetry should always make sure to learn at least one instrument well. Good lyrics deserve musical accompaniment.

You have a little typo in this last poem -- concrete, the one about trees. "Will we," make sure you fix that before turning it in. Also consider using question marks in that one.

In the haiku, I wonder if the "power" of wind could not be replaces with something better. The "beast" is not the power; the beast is the wind. How about, in the first line, replacing "power" with an adjective to describe the wind.

The (something), (something)wind
scouring diverse...

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay - PR: from-books knowledge and experiential knowledge [6]

Start with a sentence to get the reader's attention -- some interesting statement about "acquiring knowledge."

That way, your first para will be one sentence longer.

I think this would be better if you contrasted experiential knowledge against knowledge that comes "from reading." That would make the essay more powerful. But I do see that in the essay prompt they said books, so maybe you should leave it alone.

I agree that reading is more powerful than other experiences. You can experience a lecture without paying attention, but when you read something you are really giving it your attention. Reading is deliberate, sophisticated, and meditative.

A college professor once told me that the gluteus maximus (the butt) is the most important muscle, because it is what enabled early humans to walk upright. Walking upright, they used their hands for writing symbols, and through symbols they made it possible to build upon the knowlege of previous generations.

So, it's through writing and reading that humanity has come so far. Now we have all sorts of crazy technology.

Writing Feedback / Career, exploration, travel, home - check these paragaphs [11]

Here is what to do:

Read some articles and see what special ideas they contribute to the topic. Decide if you like those ideas, an write about them. As you write about 5 or 6 or 7 articles, a main THEME will start to form in your mind. Argue it! Argue your idea! When you read a few papers, and write about them, you will have an idea to argue. Argue it.

When you have a few paragraphs that argue it, go back to the top of the page and add an intro. State that argument. Then, perfect the paper, and see how it looks. After you have done that, reflect on what it all means and EXPAND on the argument by talking about what it means that your argument is true.

Tough to explain, but simple when you understand...

Essays / General biological science, Statement of purpose [8]


This is too general! You should write about this school's specific programs and resources.

and experiences new things every day. (two words when used this way).

I have no doubt that ( uni name) is the appropriate one for me, since it provides the right academic climate and a unique mix of educational advantages, thus I would like to do my studies in your university...

No, no, this has to be fixed so that it shows what YOU are all about, your special interests, and how you will use their resources to succeed.

Can you be more specific!?

Essays / In general, how to write a term paper? [15]

Get five or 8 articles from good, scholarly journals, and read them. Enjoy them. You will form an opinion based on the articles, and you will write an intro with a thesis.

From there, you just have to write about what each author said -- each author whose article you cite.

It is a great exercise!!

Writing Feedback / Descriptive Essay: Joffrey's is My First Distance [5]

Excellent advice from Ned. I did not realize that you were trying to say "destination." That is much better than "distance."

I think you should write it all about you or all about "us", but ou should not switch around. Like this:

In the cool of early morning, you might walk to the corner of the university to go to Joffrey 's. The first thing may draw your attention is ...

Good luck!!