Essays / Letter to a friend - a photograph of an important school occasion [7]

How are you? Remember that school camping trip we took to "insert camp name"?

I really enjoyed being there with you guys, fishing in the streams, canoeing with you guys.

Two of them were standing between us, and one was apart from the group.
I never really believed in supernatural beings, but this made me freak out, that how wrong I was.

Well, if indeed these photos are of real ghosts, and legit, I think we should try and convince our principal to publish them , along with an article in the school paper.

Hey, this is great! You covered all five nicely!

:)

Book Reports / Self-Fulfilling Prophecy in "The Blue Hotel" [19]

Wow, this is awesome!! Great job with it, and good luck in school!!

:)

Writing Feedback / We should discuss the balance of the life quality and the powerful tourism [7]

International travel is becoming cheaper, than before, ...

In this modern generation, with the advancement of technology and the frequency of international business trips,thetravel costs have become cheaper.

As a result, there are more countries welcoming visitors to travel to their nations for increasing their income.

But tourism might also cause some trouble in messing up the environment, a higher crime rate, and overcrowding.

First of all, a stronger economy might be built by the visitors whatever the reason is for, business or travel.

Furthermore, the tourism would carry into the flashing idea, the innovative skill, and their bright intelligence .It is a powerful stimulates to revolute the social value or the traditional mind in every country.

This, above, is very confusing.

Above all, it might worth it to develop attractions and accommodations to encourage tourism, even spending more money on the promotion of travel.

In the meantime, maybe we should discuss the balance of the life quality and the power of tourism. This could become a win-win situation for society.

This is a good essay, it just needs some tweaks here and there. What you're saying, is that the good outweighs the bad of increased tourism, and that is clear.

good luck in school.

:)

Undergraduate / essay describing activities sinnce secondary school [3]

The certificates of honor and award certificates of my grandfather for serving the community always created desire and inspired me to dedicate some time to community service as well.

My interest and desire were transformed into passion when I got involved with different clubs at school.

I performed my service in variety of ways and always to the best of my ability.

I became secretary of Eco club, a member of our monthly school magazine, an active member Of Red Cross Society.

This didn't quench my thirst for services towards the community. Moreover, my hunger for serving the community grew more.

My passion took a new direction, as I outgrew the boundaries of school and became involved with Human Welfare Youth Society, as secretary.

Though I was already in service to other organizations , I never left them in the lurch . I never engaged them temporarily. I continued to serve them as with the same effort and enthusiasm while continuing with other activities as well. I volunteered myself from the high hills of Himalayas to low plains of Terai. I voluntarily served with Nepal Center for disaster Management in Disaster risk reduction program, and in awareness of disaster relief.

I was employed with other youth clubs in conducting free eye check-ups camps, free medicine distribution and in collecting funds for scholarship programs for indigenous and deprived community children.

.... the East-West highway in Parsa.

I developed the attitude of community service.

The smile across the faces of illiterate people whose eye-sight makes me protected makes me more passionate in community services.

This sentence (above) is unclear, I don't understand it.

You have a great essay here, I just fixed a few glitches.

:)

Undergraduate / Describe your educational and career goals - a summer research program [2]

On the one hand, I hope to work as an inspector for food and drink in Asian markets.

My goal is to innovate ways to make enough healthier food and drink available to underprivileged people in developing parts of the world.

On the other hand, I intend to pursue a higher degree in biochemistry so that I can conduct research and teach as a college professor.

Research career experience opportunitiesfor undergraduate students are scarce in Vietnam's universities. Through doing research, I can apply t he knowledge from

I think you should add something before that first sentence: a very interesting introduction paragraph. In that intro paragraph, you can write a sentence that captures the very most important goal -- the one that is closest to your heart. And these other goals you describe can all be related to that single, overarching goal. Good luck!!!

Grammar, Usage / Confused with MLA format and in text citations! [19]

Yes, but its SO intimidating to try to learn all that!!! I remember in high school I was blocked against learning it...

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Put a comma here:

...of different worlds, it was only my...

Yes, I recommend it! Where did you get your user name, Gautama? Yes, that story is important for anyone going forth into the world after finishing the teenage years. The prince tried everything looking for the meaning of life, looking for what this is all about.

In answer to your questions:

Come back to focus on "reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve." Can you add a brilliant intro paragraph that directly answers that question. It's important. I like how you start with the story, but you really need to target that question and not be abstract about how you answer. In your specific answer to that question, mention these few experiences covered in the essay. The stuff you cut out should be kept out; use it in some other piece of writing, in the future. Keep tightening this up.

In your intro para, you can answer that question in a way that makes the quote at the end of para #2 work just fine... as long as you say that your reason for transferring has something to do with wanting to live a powerful life.

You are a good writer, and I like your warrior theme. Please, for the love of God, read Chogyam Trungpa's Shamballa: The Sacred Path of the Warrior.

!!!

:)

Writing Feedback / "Where is my Desktop screen?" [4]

...but sometimes it may have been a little bit difficult for my parents to buy me a gift, because they need to consider what gift would last longer -- imagining that I was waiting at home with screwdriver in my hand.

Maybe it would be better if you mentioned what age you were in these anecdotes... how young?

As for the screen, since I really wanted to know the reason why it was shining even when I turned the room's light off, and how gave us moving graphs on it. I did a lot of research, such as reading encyclopedias, "100,000 questions and why", and even the instruction book of a computer. That was when I knew it was my turn to open up one screen myself and have a look at the inside of it------

It was because of that passion for mechanics that I was able to change the lights safely in my home when they were broken; I was able ...

I like how clear you are about your intended field of study!! Keep working on those verb tenses! Good luck

Research Papers / Need a catchy funny title for a paper on desire causing motivation? [6]

Wow, Sean, ha ha, that is brilliant, but the teacher's sense of humor would have to be REALLY cool for it to work out, ha ha.

Writing Feedback / Geo Project - Vehicles in the Lower Mainland [3]

Hi Pedro,

The conclusion should be tell how this all adds up. After you researched the work that has been put into the area, and you looked at the cause and effect of everything that happened... you considered ways to be more eco-friendly like car pooling and using public transportation... and now you are in a good position to make a recommendation.

Oh... I just noticed that you wrote that this is not the whole paper... that is good that you have more details in the real paper.

So, I see no grammar mistakes... just make a conclusion that is useful for deciding what is best to do!

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Career goals and importance of college education in attaining them [12]

Hello! I have some ideas for you. Do not tell them your academic and professional aspirations come from Law and Order, and especially do not START by telling them that. You cite good names, like Nietzsche, so don't start off weak by saying you like forensic psych because of a TV show.

Also, I recommend tentatively choosing a psych specialization in order to create the idea that you are resolute and clear about your convictions, what you intend to achieve.

Take these paragraphs that cut and paste them around in different orders... and see which order is best. Take the reader on a trip. I liked the line about being financially unstable for most of your life -- it is interesting...

That last paragraph could be summed up in 2 good sentences. Tighten it up.

Your grammar seems good!

You asked if it is bad to have too many quotes, and I think the answer is that it is bad to take up too much space with them. Include only what is necessary from the quote. Don't waste a single word in the whole essay.

Good luck tomorrow! One more revision ought to make it great!! You asked if you should start by introducing yourself, but the essay is one big intro of yourself... so.. start by introducing the ESSAY. Grab the reader's attention, and then tell them, in one sentence at the end of the intro paragraph, the cool, meaningful truth that is the main idea of the essay. Look at the essay again to find that cool, meaningful, central idea.

Book Reports / Self-Fulfilling Prophecy in "The Blue Hotel" [19]

..."every sin is the result of collaboration" (page number).

Do you need to cite the page numbers in cases like the one above? MLA?

I see lots of quotes, but no page numbers.

After defeating Johnnie in a fist fight, the Swede ridicules the men by "giving one derisive glance backward at the still group," as he leaves the hotel.

The Swede brags to the men at the saloon about having beaten up Johnnie...

the unfolding of events allows foreseeability of what is to come...

Above, that is awkward... if you claim that they make the events foreseeable, I guess you should maybe use the word "foreshadow?" It's up to you... I kind of like your way, even though it is awkward. I'm not sure...

the events unfold in a way that hints at what is to come, but the Swede is caught unaware.

I don't know...

This is looking good. A couple things, like when you wrote "laughs "childish[ly]" made me think maybe you had copied this from somewhere, because most people don't know how to use brackets like that. But I don't think you copied, because I searched for this material and didn't find it via google. But I mentioned it because maybe your teacher will think that... also because the essay is so good that I thought maybe it was written by a professional! So, congratulations. :)

About tying the examples to the thesis, all it takes is to explain the significance of each example in such a way as to show that your thesis is correct. It's as if you are trying to persuade the reader that your thesis is correct. So, each time you gie an example from the story, present it as support to show that the thesis is correct. It's simple! :)

Undergraduate / U. of Wash. -- Transfer Application Essay (Personal Statement) [8]

I love your writing style! It's no wonder that you don't want to follow their recommendation about word count. I used to be like that, too. I especially like, "through all my delinquency and felonious capers"... that is some good writing!

Now kill your darlings. In other posts, I've mentioned Stephen King's On Writing, his book about how to write well. He tells us that 2nd draft = 1st draft minus 10% as your refinement process of editing. King, like you, is good with words, so he hates to revise for conciseness. He calls it "killing your darlings."

Do not let your talent with words be your downfall! If they ask you to do it in 1,000 words, do it in 1,000 words. If they ask for 500, comply. Whatever hoop they give you to jump through, do it, because you are lucky to be so good with words. I bet you could convey this story in 10 words if you really had to, just like zooming out with a camera. Jump through their hoop. But keep that material for your autobiography.

Writing Feedback / Essay on Education In Developing Countries [8]

Hi Drew,

Please do not paste material from other websites! If you are able to find info about the topic online and gather it together this way, it should not be hard to re-word everything and come up with a great essay. Your writing really will improve if you work through each essay assigned between now and graduation. Writing is not as bad as some people think! From your charismatic introduction of yourself, I see that you know something about how to communicate with rhythm and clarity.

I look forward to seeing your essay!

:)

Research Papers / Global Warming - Research Paper, trouble writing an intro [5]

disaster," said...

You need a comma (above).

That advice from Sean is great! I always start by researching the topic, and for every article I read I write a little blurb. Sometimes I end up writing two paragraphs and including a quote. I throw an in-text citation at the end, and then move on to read another article. By the time I read 5 articles, I have a couple pages written. I put them in a logical order, draw a conclusion from what they collectively tell me, and that way, when I write the introduction, I am very confident.

By the way, your writing style is great. Also, the Obama quote is great. I am surprised he said that, though, because I think there seems to be a lot of evidence that no real harm has come from it yet. But I don't know, really.

Writing Feedback / Help rewriting Lead paragraph and Conclusion - Computer History Paper [12]

Something slightly surprising sometimes suffices to bridge the gap. Something you did not expect to read appears before you. Yes, the first step to bridging the "gap" is called a narrative hook, and it is really a psychological strategy for causing a person, who may have other things to do, or who may feel restless, to read what you have written.

Even if it is an essay or paper that WILL indeed be read by someone, regardless of whether they are interested, it is still necessary to hook the attention so that their hearts will be in it.

How do you hook? Some use humor, and that is a good one. However, some readers have no sense of humor! Or perhaps they take themselves too seriously to appreciate YOUR humor. How about starting with a pressing issue of concern? Some people are not concerned with the same things as other people. A narrative hook is hit or miss, to an extent, but you have to take a shot at bridging that gap. Get them to engage cognitively in what you wrote. Say something slightly unexpected!

Essays / essay- sell something absurd using propaganda techniques [7]

I though you probably would only be able to find bits and pieces of the book online... any part of the book will be fine!! You can perhaps even quote the book in your advertisement, because he is popularly successful, which is good for selling things.

Check out this video: youtube.com/watch?v=UPg9DnMP2D4

Essays / An argumentative essay on Louis Riel: hero or villain? [11]

An argumentative essay should start with a sentence that grabs the attention. Try changing that first sentence now that you wrote a little of the essay. Next, give the reader a reason to care whether or not he is perceived as a hero... his life was meaningful and should be acknowledged! Make your thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph; you did that already, but add to it a bit of your rationale for thinking he is a hero rather than villain.

Use the body of the essay to support that reasoning you mentioned.

Spend a paragraph refuting the counter-argument, which means to tell the reader what someone who disagreed with you would say -- and why they are wrong.

Conclude with a paragraph that reflects on the points you made and restates the thesis.

The way this essay is now, it is more like telling the guy's story, and not so much a persuasive, argumentative essay.

Undergraduate / MICA application: (Autobiographical Essay) [3]

She said, "E ven the ...

From my father I learned to create, and from my mother I was given reason to create. (Now explain what you mean by that)

Wow, I am impressed! You get the interesting-essay-of-the-day-award. I've actually never given out that award, so congratulations. One important point, though, is to refer back to that quote from the beginning... a few times, especially at the end of the essay, refer back to it.

Writing Feedback / Help rewriting Lead paragraph and Conclusion - Computer History Paper [12]


That is exactly the reason to write the intro AFTER the body. How can you help but start off writing about what you are writing about? How can you introduce what does not yet exist?

And it is the same for a paragraph as it is for a whole essay: write the intro sentence last, so that you know it will go well with the rest of the paragraph.

Start off by telling your story, but then go back and add an intro paragraph. Furthermore, you mentioned that you lack a clear thesis, and that is because it is hard to write a sentence that captures the central point of the paper when the paper has not been written.

The thesis sentence, and that whole first paragraph, are like the guy that comes out on stage to introduce the famous speaker. The intro guy needs to know what he is introducing. So, write the body, and then write the intro after you have seen how the body is going to look.

Also:

With the 'dot com boom, and... well, who knows what new technologies computers will contribute to our everyday lives.

Essays / essay- sell something absurd using propaganda techniques [7]

watch with no time hands Ha, ha... lots of potential. How about if you look online and read some of Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, and I think you will get a good idea about how to write convincingly about the value of a watch with no minute or hour hand.

I think Deepak Chopra also teaches that part of the reason we age is that we see tie as "going by" when actually there is no such thing as time.

Good luck! Follow all instructions about the propaganda.

:)

Graduate / 'my first art class; photography' - Statement of Purpose - Design Planning major [3]

...as I watched with a tense face, and I shrank when my pictures were shown to the class on the giant screen.

...consulting firm with the talented people. that I've met and will meet.

Wat were the instructions for this essay? If it is a statement of purpose, focus more on what you intend to accomplish while in school and after. Be very specific, and inspire the reader with your passion for Design.

The third paragraph is where I think you can change the sentences to focus on your big plan, your process that you clearly envision. Explain how you have been fulfilling your purpose, your plan, and then go on to tell about the SPECIFIC resources that you will use at their school. Any specific professors from whom you hope to learn?

Good luck!!

:)

Undergraduate / Common app Short Answer (cyber competition) [17]

Be clear and say that you were selected to play on the district team in a competitive division. That sounds impressive.

I like the rhythm of that essay.

Research Papers / Thesis Statement for global warming research paper [17]

Tau, you can look at Google Scholar and type "global warming" to see lots of articles.

Good luck!!

Research Papers / Need a catchy funny title for a paper on desire causing motivation? [6]

Try googling it when you are in a creative mood. Clear your head and see what comes to you.

Can't Always Get What You Want

Getting What You Want

Human Motivation: Can't Always Get What You Want.

... I'm not creative today!! :) Anybody else?

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]


Yes, do you know what non sequator means? It's like, "does not follow." You should not go from talking about what your trip in Europe gave you to talking about tribal drum sessions from your past and then about learning German. In good writing, each paragraph is one thought, beautifully expounded. Can you revise to make it so that each paragraph starts with a thoughtful sentences, and then the following sentences explain that point, and then the paragraph's last sentence reflects on the thought again?

Fix that awkward line like this:

In his book entitled On Combat: The Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace, Lt. Col. Dave Grossman wrote, "...

It is great that you are thinking in erms of economy of words. That is how to be an excellent writer!

After this sentence, transition by talking about an unforgettable lesson in the class, and then start a new paragraph: I have taken German courses and loved the language and culture. It was in this class that I learned a life lesson that... (end of paragraph)

Then start a new paragraph about sheep dogs: One day in a philosophy class I was taking our philosophy professor was lecturing on Plato's Republic, comparing...

By the way, have you read the Herman Hess book???? :)

Essays / Close Reading of Othello [4]

In the meanwhile, Othello has resolved himself to death , which contrasts with his optimistic faith in the other acts.

On the other hand, metaphors and symbol have indicated the strong implications throughout the whole book.

Othello does not mention about Desdemona in this passage -- even in the last speech -- but he is lying beside her after he kills himself.

Wow, you do actually have very good grammar. You even use commas correctly, which many students do not do.

Writing Feedback / Essay On Comparisons of Trials and Their Respective Jury Proceedings [4]

Put the names of books in italics:

...proceedings in Reginald Rose's 12 Angry Men

So, your thesis statement is that although they took place in different time periods, they are similar in that justice was achieved because of the time and place both took place, through the reviewing of evidence and through the use of reasonable doubt.

That is a complicated thesis. As I look through the rest of the essay, I think that you can rewrite the thesis to really capture the truth of the essay in a simpler way. Can you make that sentence shorter and easier to read?

And don't state the obvious: The reviewing of evidence and testimonies by the juries in both cases played a major role in reaching a fair verdict. That is what juries are supposed to do, so it seems that you are not writing anything meaningful in that part...

I wish you could say something more meaningful about the juries. What inner conflicts were common to the juries being compared. What inner conflicts were different? What circumstances were similar or different. Most importantly, what insightful conclusion can you draw from considering these similarities and differences? Try to fix that thesis, and then fix the conclusion paragraph to match it. :)

Grammar, Usage / Marking Stressed and Unstressed Syllables in Blank Verse Poetry [4]

Blank verse has no rhyme, so this is not blank verse -- unless I'm mistaken...

I would not help if you were just trying to get someone to do your work for you, but I see that you are trying to learn! :)

Camelot

Shalott.

By the island in the river

The Lady of Shalott.

Camelot;

fairy

Good luck!!!

:)

Undergraduate / LITERATURE TO MEDICINE; UT at Austin - TRANSFER (SOP) [14]

No, you'll be fine! That is some great experience, in the ER...

They invite you to tell give them a reason to accept you. If you were them, would you choose you over someone else? That is how you have to think. If you would choose you, why would you? Are you particularly motivated to help people with certain types of problems? Do you have high aspirations for contributing to the field of nursing? If you can write something that will inspire the reader, without being melodramatic, that is key. If you write something that someone can enjoy reading, you win.

At the start and at the end, refer to your PURPOSE. And don't be boring.

Writing Feedback / PERSONAL ESSAY what books and reading mean to me [5]

Knowing I will soon enter into the life of a University student -- if I get accepted, that is -- I have been thinking about giving up music and just focusing on reading more novels and studying until my brain gave out burning sensations.

Don't give up music!

Okay, good. When I look at the end and at the beginning, they are both talking about a preference for music. That means the essay is solid, cohesive. You can make it even better if, at the end, you refer back to something you said at the beginning.

Grammar, Usage / Confused with MLA format and in text citations! [19]

The Human Theory of Motivation states that the motivation for an action requires desire; belief on its own doesn't suffice (name).

Yes, and where I put (name) is where the name of the author would go. If there in no author, put the name of the article in " " marks like this:

The Human Theory of Motivation states that the motivation for an action requires desire; belief on its own doesn't suffice ("Motivation").

MLA is easy! All you have to know for in-text citations is to put the author's name in parentheses between the last word of the sentence and the period. When you are not sure if something requires a citation, put one in. You'll get good at it.

If you quote the person, add the page number in there too:

One scholar notes, "Humans are motivated by three things: money, food, and sex" (Petstar 59).

See how easy it is?

And here is a Works Cited list entry:

Richmond, Raymond. "The Psychology of Motivation." Retrieved February 13, 2009 from: chastitysf.com/motivation.htm

You probably know that it is supposed to have a "hanging" indentation. If you don't know what that is, you can google it. I hope that helps!!!

Writing Feedback / PERSONAL ESSAY what books and reading mean to me [5]

At age 9, I walked into my first piano lesson. I was nervous and unsure of what I was getting myself into. I walked in, greeted the teacher and sat nervously on the bench with my hands tied, folded in my lap. I took deep breaths , ready to give up as I closed my eyes, when suddenly I heard a friendly tune, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." I saw my teachers fingers move from ...

This is great! I changed the verb tense to make it consistently past tense.

The thing is, though, you have to make this description of your music an example to show how you understand writing. Have you looked up "essay" on the internet to see how it developed as a literary form? Read about that, and bring the focus of THIS essay back to the topic questions. Show that, through music, you understand essays.

Undergraduate / 'The Lord spoke to me' - UW transfer personal statement [5]

My friend inspired me to follow my interest by taking up a few courses on visual communication.

Hey, you did answer each part of the question very well... good job!

strongly believe University of Washington will equip me with knowledge and skills to tackle the competitive world of graphic design.Can you tell the reader specific resources or strengths of this school that make it perfect for your goals?

It would be good if you started this essay with a meaningful, attention-grabbing paragraph that tells the most important truth in the essay.

Scholarship / Scholarship Personal Statement (my dream of becoming a doctor) [9]


I agree with Sean! And also, the first sentence (above) is GREAT, but the second one makes me think maybe you do not really need the scholarship as much as someone else might.

You know, this prompt question really is kind of silly--obviously the benefit you hope to gain from the scholarship is financial assistance!!! They are silly. Use this question as an opportunity to tell them about the kind of physician you will be... elaborating on that last sentence about helping others as a doctor.

Undergraduate / Common app Short Answer (cyber competition) [17]

A good Ping Pong player is just like a good swordsman; and the most delicate swordsmanship is not to kill the enemy at once ; it is ostensibly defensive but furtively aggressive.

I have been such a player since I was seven, and the way I show my swordsmanship is by spinning the ball.

At the moment it reaches my opponent, all its accumulated power breaks out, and gives its catcher a death warrant.

Hey, I understand what Tyler means, but also "death warrant" is an interesting metaphor here. I think it works!!

This essay is much better than the first one. It is quick and crisp, like a ping pong volley. Are they called "volleys" in ping pong??

:)

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - degree vs a positive contribution to society [5]

I have dreamed and I have looked into my heart and one day I hope to become a doctor where I will get the joy of saving lives every day .

"I could help and interact with people as well as obtain an endlessly beneficial education." Do you mean while you're in school or when you become a doctor?

The past few months have been an eye opener to the expenses of college, especially considering I will be

I do not only want to use my talents and knowledge to save people, but to enlighten and teach other future doctors in order to ensure our world the quality and quantity care.

This sentence, (above) needs an overhaul.

In addition, I would have the chance to teach high school students, our future, about crucial ways to stay healthy and
I believe your greatest gift is your health because without it you have nothing and I hope to help our society by ensuring every person with good health.

This (above) sounds too dramatic, almost like you were running out of time and threw a lot of words together.

:)

Writing Feedback / "I was running" essay. Grammar and punctuation help. [7]

My throat was dry,...

My weakness was growing, but the road was widespread in front of me...

It is very interesting, but I agree with Sean, it's lacking something. It sounds like part of a bad dream right now.

Writing Feedback / The first time i crossed the road by myself [5]

... and for a six year old ice cream is not something to just let go of. The sun was burning on my neck and the warm breath of summer blew into my hair; they rushed into my face.

...pick up my flip flop that had come off my foot, but in less than a minute I was there: right by the road side.

I took a deep breath, tightened my toes in my flip flops and ran.

Colorful posters of ice creams were hung on the door; to me it was like advertisements for heaven, although all those thoughts vanished when I saw the sale's man face.

A couple more minor things, but Sean's right, this is quite good!

:)

Writing Feedback / Essay on describing a scene in my life (that last time i saw my friends) [7]

For the hundredth time on that night my hand slipped down into my purse;...

My heart calmed, although I well knew that it wouldn't take more than 5 minutes till my handreturned into my purse.

I walked them out to their car, giving them one extra hug before they got in .

Pulling out my hand out of my purse, I walked out of the air port to get some fresh air.A cold wind blew into my hair; warning of a cold winter.

You really are such a good writer. This is a nice essay, here are just a couple of minor things, but you have great descriptions and did a fine job with this!

:)