BachChaconne2
Jun 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]
Are you sure the link is correct? "Page not found."
Are you sure the link is correct? "Page not found."
BachChaconne2
Jun 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]
You could, but who knows whether the founding fathers' wives contributed anything. They also experienced turmoils and anxieties similar to their husbands. Nonetheless, do you think this could strengthen your essay? If so, fashion an introduction and have us critique it.
You could, but who knows whether the founding fathers' wives contributed anything. They also experienced turmoils and anxieties similar to their husbands. Nonetheless, do you think this could strengthen your essay? If so, fashion an introduction and have us critique it.
BachChaconne2
Jun 15, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]
The questions asked in your essay aren't cliche since they're not common phrases that have been overused. "Curiosity killed the cat" and "Moments of truth" are cliche.
I suggested this format because you needed a creative way of answering the prompt, and I felt this arrangement would successfully accomplish that goal. Of course, my suggestions are merely suggestions; it's entirely up to you on how you want to construct your essay.
By the way, I don't mind whether you use my questions. But you'll benefit a lot more if you create your own. =)
The questions asked in your essay aren't cliche since they're not common phrases that have been overused. "Curiosity killed the cat" and "Moments of truth" are cliche.
I suggested this format because you needed a creative way of answering the prompt, and I felt this arrangement would successfully accomplish that goal. Of course, my suggestions are merely suggestions; it's entirely up to you on how you want to construct your essay.
By the way, I don't mind whether you use my questions. But you'll benefit a lot more if you create your own. =)
BachChaconne2
Jun 12, 2012
Essays / career goalsand/What role the University Motto & Honor Code will play- QUEENS UNI [5]
How will you contribute to the college community, and how will the university's motto and honor system affect you?
Well, for starters, you could research its community, motto, and honor system. Gathering information and writing down your thoughts will more than likely inspire you.
How will you contribute to the college community, and how will the university's motto and honor system affect you?
Well, for starters, you could research its community, motto, and honor system. Gathering information and writing down your thoughts will more than likely inspire you.
BachChaconne2
Jun 12, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: 1 and 2 (How I found myself & overcame depression) [12]
Hi, what is the word limit for each essay?
Hi, what is the word limit for each essay?
BachChaconne2
Jun 12, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]
Comment on the essay in its entirety...
Well, the essay as a whole has personal and introspective qualities, which some may classify as philosophical. But the way you've chosen to present and organize your ideas inhibits the paper from effectively communicating them to the reader. Although undeveloped, your essay still has the potential to be amazing.
Further refinement is suggested.
Comment on the essay in its entirety...
Well, the essay as a whole has personal and introspective qualities, which some may classify as philosophical. But the way you've chosen to present and organize your ideas inhibits the paper from effectively communicating them to the reader. Although undeveloped, your essay still has the potential to be amazing.
Further refinement is suggested.
BachChaconne2
Jun 9, 2012
Undergraduate / 'attracted by teacher's explaining' - A statment of purpose for teaching. [4]
Although you've written a touching essay overall, you could improve it by adding details and elaborating your ideas.
I always remember when I was a little boy at the first grade. I was attracted by the teacher and his way in explaining.[Combine these sentences.] When he asked us what we want to be when we grow up, I found no other job to say than I want to be like him. It was not because I didn't know other professions, but because I felt there is no other job like teaching kids. [What experiences influenced you to feel this way about teaching? Why was it so important to you?] I grow up with this dream and I met different kind of teachers till I graduated in the university. [What happened after graduation?]
Though some teachers aren't good enough to me and my class mates, I have never felt teaching is unworthiness.
This ambition pushed me to teach before even having my B.A.[What ambition?]
[These two sentences are awkwardly positioned in the paragraph. You could create new sentences around these two to help your ideas flow.]
[Insert one or two sentences here to transition into and explain recent events; for example, how did you finally end up achieving your dream of becoming a teacher?] I have been teaching kids and teenagers in private sector for more than three years now and even if it is a bit different of what I was thinking, I love it and I find it the job in which I can help people and contribute in building our society. [Why do you love it and how does it enable you to help others?]
Knowing about the concour [What is this and how does it relate to your profession as a teacher?] , I find it a good opportunity to me to join public schools where I can share my experience and benefit students from different social classes from my experience and contribute to the goodness of our nation. [How does it help you share your experiences and enrich other peoples' lives? Furthermore, elaborate on what you mean by "goodness of our nation."]
Although you've written a touching essay overall, you could improve it by adding details and elaborating your ideas.
I always remember when I was a little boy at the first grade. I was attracted by the teacher and his way in explaining.[Combine these sentences.] When he asked us what we want to be when we grow up, I found no other job to say than I want to be like him. It was not because I didn't know other professions, but because I felt there is no other job like teaching kids. [What experiences influenced you to feel this way about teaching? Why was it so important to you?] I grow up with this dream and I met different kind of teachers till I graduated in the university. [What happened after graduation?]
Though some teachers aren't good enough to me and my class mates, I have never felt teaching is unworthiness.
This ambition pushed me to teach before even having my B.A.[What ambition?]
[These two sentences are awkwardly positioned in the paragraph. You could create new sentences around these two to help your ideas flow.]
[Insert one or two sentences here to transition into and explain recent events; for example, how did you finally end up achieving your dream of becoming a teacher?] I have been teaching kids and teenagers in private sector for more than three years now and even if it is a bit different of what I was thinking, I love it and I find it the job in which I can help people and contribute in building our society. [Why do you love it and how does it enable you to help others?]
Knowing about the concour [What is this and how does it relate to your profession as a teacher?] , I find it a good opportunity to me to join public schools where I can share my experience and benefit students from different social classes from my experience and contribute to the goodness of our nation. [How does it help you share your experiences and enrich other peoples' lives? Furthermore, elaborate on what you mean by "goodness of our nation."]
BachChaconne2
Jun 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS task .Expaining why you want to take IELTS exam [10]
The IELTS exam is the most baggage for my future. [I would refrain from using cliches in your essay to describe how the IELTS will affect or is affecting your future.]
First, When I was child, I wanted to study in Australia. 12 years old, I founded that I want to be a doctor. THE UNIVERSITY OF SYDNEY which I want to learn in has a great environment and the modern equipment for the international student.[What is the connection that ties these things together: your childhood desire to study in Australia, 12-year-old dream to become a doctor, and present goal of attending this particular university? The relationship (significance) between the first and second sentence remains unclear.] So,The IELTS is the most important exam for me,[You haven't successfully argued why it's important, though.] and I need 6.5 score if I want to be accepted in this school.
Second, When I learn for the IELTS exam in internet and in ILA, my skill is improved very much, my vocabulary is much more than the past. In the next ten weeks, I will study hard, learn more about IELTS on many ways. Finally, I believe that I will success and have a high score of the IELTS.
This is all reason why I want to take the IELTS exam. [In the second paragraph, you explained how the IELTS has benefited you and how you'll prepare for the upcoming exam. But, overall, did you effectively answer the prompt? Although you covered importance, benefits, and preparation, you didn't provide enough examples to answer why you want to take the exam.]
The IELTS exam is the most baggage for my future. [I would refrain from using cliches in your essay to describe how the IELTS will affect or is affecting your future.]
First, When I was child, I wanted to study in Australia. 12 years old, I founded that I want to be a doctor. THE UNIVERSITY OF SYDNEY which I want to learn in has a great environment and the modern equipment for the international student.[What is the connection that ties these things together: your childhood desire to study in Australia, 12-year-old dream to become a doctor, and present goal of attending this particular university? The relationship (significance) between the first and second sentence remains unclear.] So
Second, When I learn for the IELTS exam in internet and in ILA, my skill is improved very much, my vocabulary is much more than the past. In the next ten weeks, I will study hard, learn more about IELTS on many ways. Finally, I believe that I will success and have a high score of the IELTS.
This is all reason why I want to take the IELTS exam. [In the second paragraph, you explained how the IELTS has benefited you and how you'll prepare for the upcoming exam. But, overall, did you effectively answer the prompt? Although you covered importance, benefits, and preparation, you didn't provide enough examples to answer why you want to take the exam.]
BachChaconne2
Jun 5, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS:1 - 'wish you the best in the city' A letter to a friend [2]
Dear John,
Firstly,I appreciated your acceptance ofThank you fortakingagreeing tocare ofwatch my littleKitty cat whenwhile I spend my annual vacation outsideam away on vacation . I already confirmedM y confirmed flight bookingis scheduled to depart on 8th of June at nightthe evening of June 8 .
I had enough time to edit one paragraph. Overall, I think it's an adorable letter. However, you did not provide contact details for when you're away. Aside from that exclusion, I enjoyed reading your letter.
Dear John,
I had enough time to edit one paragraph. Overall, I think it's an adorable letter. However, you did not provide contact details for when you're away. Aside from that exclusion, I enjoyed reading your letter.
BachChaconne2
Jun 4, 2012
Graduate / Writing an essay for an Executive MPH Program! [6]
Good to hear and best of luck! Please let us know the results once you've been notified!
Good to hear and best of luck! Please let us know the results once you've been notified!
BachChaconne2
Jun 4, 2012
Scholarship / Statistics & Operations Research-What is your proposed study is intended to achieve [4]
Main suggestion: Be as specific as possible. Please note that the suggestions below are merely suggestions for improving your essay.
Sometimes it helps to divide the question into its constituent parts, so I'm placing paragraphs under the questions that they answer. If a paragraph doesn't answer any of the aforementioned questions, please consider deleting it.
Notes: In actuality, the final question (How is it related to your prior experience or future career goals? ) relates back to the first one:What is your proposed study intended to achieve?I suggest revising your first paragraph with the intention of tying it to the final paragraph. That way you'll have an essay that flows smoothly from beginning to end!
Main suggestion: Be as specific as possible. Please note that the suggestions below are merely suggestions for improving your essay.
Sometimes it helps to divide the question into its constituent parts, so I'm placing paragraphs under the questions that they answer. If a paragraph doesn't answer any of the aforementioned questions, please consider deleting it.
Notes: In actuality, the final question (How is it related to your prior experience or future career goals? ) relates back to the first one:What is your proposed study intended to achieve?I suggest revising your first paragraph with the intention of tying it to the final paragraph. That way you'll have an essay that flows smoothly from beginning to end!
BachChaconne2
May 27, 2012
BachChaconne2
May 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "Work by hand OR machine" [9]
1. very fast day by day Does it require 'day by day' only OR it is completely wrong? I didn't get it can you please explain me?
It's not wrong, but you could simply say "quickly everyday."
2. In my first para, I tried to compare both ideas i.e. work by hand and work by machine. I never thought in readers point of view.
Yes, it's important that you take into consideration the expectations of your reader. When you write, pretend you're having a discussion with them. Imagine questions that he or she may ask about the topic.
3. "everyone wants to win the race of life" means everyone wants to be a topper in this competitive world. I didn't mention any supporting sentence that's why there no link for that.
People may have different interpretations about what they want out of life. Remember to be precise and persuasive in your writing. Consider that anyone who reads your paper will undoubtedly have different cultural, economic, and educational backgrounds; therefore, you should construct your essay accordingly.
4. "but nowadays scenario" ...? I didn't get it again please explain me. [/quote]
People won't typically say "but nowadays scenario." I understood what you intended to convey, though. Remove "scenario" and leave it as "but nowadays."
Can't wait to read your next draft!
1. very fast day by day Does it require 'day by day' only OR it is completely wrong? I didn't get it can you please explain me?
It's not wrong, but you could simply say "quickly everyday."
2. In my first para, I tried to compare both ideas i.e. work by hand and work by machine. I never thought in readers point of view.
Yes, it's important that you take into consideration the expectations of your reader. When you write, pretend you're having a discussion with them. Imagine questions that he or she may ask about the topic.
3. "everyone wants to win the race of life" means everyone wants to be a topper in this competitive world. I didn't mention any supporting sentence that's why there no link for that.
People may have different interpretations about what they want out of life. Remember to be precise and persuasive in your writing. Consider that anyone who reads your paper will undoubtedly have different cultural, economic, and educational backgrounds; therefore, you should construct your essay accordingly.
4. "but nowadays scenario" ...? I didn't get it again please explain me. [/quote]
People won't typically say "but nowadays scenario." I understood what you intended to convey, though. Remove "scenario" and leave it as "but nowadays."
Can't wait to read your next draft!
BachChaconne2
May 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "Work by hand OR machine" [9]
I don't feel like you made a convincing enough argument to show readers why you prefer using machines. Use more of your own experiences to cite specific reasons and examples.
I don't feel like you made a convincing enough argument to show readers why you prefer using machines. Use more of your own experiences to cite specific reasons and examples.
BachChaconne2
May 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'he must not cheat..' -Write a paragraph about qualities you want from your ideal man [3]
"In conclusion, I'll live a happy life with a man like this."
"In conclusion, I'll live a happy life with a man like this."