Undergraduate / A second chance to so something differently - personal statement [7]

Ok, but I'm not going to nitpick grammar errors, instead I'll focus on the subject matter.

- "I don't love him!" back then I never thought that I would regret saying this.

There is no need to restate the baneful words. If your reader is intelligent they will infer it from your reflection of regret; if they cannot, they probably aren't worth so much effort.

- "Every family has a hero, one who brings laughter and pride and one who is the center of conversation at the dinner table. In our case, the hero was me."

"Every" has a precise definition, and in fact what you state is not true of every family. Even if it was true, you would have no way of knowing it, therefore your statement is unsupported and frivolous. Be wary of exalting yourself distastefully.

- My excellent grades and wonderful stories from school were my mom's only consolation. My father was absent a lot. He drank. He gambled. He hardly taught me anything when I was a kid. All I did was exert myself to be the exact opposite of him.

When I was five he went to jail for reasons they never told me -- I never asked. Later on he got out and managed to make some money by driving a taxi. It seemed things were getting better until his taxi was hit by a huge truck on his way home, after drinking with his friends in celebration of the fact his second child was a boy; this occurred the same day my brother was born. He miraculously survived the crash but the car was totally wrecked, leaving us in deep debt.

If your father taught you hardly anything during childhood, the fact remains true today. The comment following this sentence is out of place because it draws your reader into expecting elaboration and detail. When you talk of your father being released and driving a taxi, it seems unconventional to mention money. The last sentence in the paragraph again refers to money, without much context (grant you that he gambled) or background, not enough for a reasonable person to deduce a framework.

"I'm not sure whether this is too personal..."

I already addressed this: it is very personal and ineffectual for a personal statement.

If I was in your position, I would not even remotely consider publishing to a third party something of the nature. I strongly recommend you choose another topic and whatever you decide, any observations I've voiced so far have been with reluctance, for the sole purpose of helping you correct errors and improve your writing skills and mine. This can be done no less effectively with other work you submit, so I can't help you further with the current essay.

Writing Feedback / Non-academic subjects should be removed from school. Agree or not? [6]

Do not frame explicitly in your essay anything about your essay. There's a ton of errors, more or less to be expected.

This can be argued both ways, so many different ways. For the purpose offered, each side is equal.

Reason your way through it. Where you're lacking in acuity, eloquence will suffice.

Undergraduate / My answers for some application profile questions [5]

You bow out of answering by "x is a problem that exerts effects on other letters .", and "random word, random word, popular overdone hot word.", but *"Also, battling hunger is not a problem of food shortage, it is to answer the difficult question of how to channel the food where it is needed."* will work.

"An accomplishment that seemed as impossible as it was being done must have been inspiring for what the future held."

*An accomplishment long held impossible, it must have evoked thoughts of what else was possible, proving the paragon of inspiration.*

Undergraduate / 'Project WORTHY'. I need to cut some of this UIUC essay down, can you help? [9]

The first paragraph is identical as is the last. The second paragraph is better served by the second version (no useless third sentence). The third paragraph also isn't substantially different from one version to the next, but the tone adopted in the first version pegs it a notch above the corresponding pargraph in the second version.

You do well with superlatives but leave intact a handful of errors that I don't feel like pointing out.

Undergraduate / (Answered prompt correctly?) - University of Michigan Diversity Essay [3]

Hardly.

The first two words are exceptionally awkward and vague. What does individualism have to do with diversity? The strongest word verb you can use is "bring?"; the strongest qualities you can portray are "open-mindedness" and "sense of community" respectively?

Let me outline a scenario:

X: I will bring tolerance and respect to XYZ Academy.

Y: So, what is your point?

You suffer a complete misinterpretation of what the prompt is wanting. Ethically, you should reevaluate the way you view it. Is it something you're acquiescing to or appeasing, or a motivator to relay lucidly and accurately, positive affirmation which you'll exemplify?

Undergraduate / 'Learning, seeing, understanding more' - Common app essay- why I chose my major [7]

you're in luck, I'm not in the dandiest of moods

- your first sentence is short, weak, and vague (end up in the arts).
- you delighted in the way listeners were drawn in by your music? structurally, after the comma you lost sight of how you began the sentence, manifest in awkward phraseology.

- "By the time I was eleven, I had announced that I would grow up to be a musician and set out to pick the piece that would wow the judges at my college auditions." Right, and who did you announce this to? Are you sure that announce is the right word? Also, how can you "announce" a [process] (growing up to be a musician) which there's no guarantee of?

- the sentence concluding your first paragraph is vulnerable to derision; I'd venture that not only was "everyone" shocked, but you were too. At least that's the way you read (whimsical, or mistake prone in conveying otherwise vigilantly).

So the doubt has crept in and as the foundation of your essay (first paragraph), it will act to subvert your best intentions.

disclaimer: I didn't read your entire essay

Undergraduate / A second chance to so something differently - personal statement [7]

As I see it, your essay is fraught with dozens of errors -- some clear cut, others not so much.

- the opening sentence is hysterical -- not the best way to begin.
- the one after it, "with these words I slapped the door of my room and made it crystal that letting my dad be back under this roof was nonnegotiable with me.", doesn't do a great deal to justify it. Capitalize the first word (With*). did you really "slap" the door, or slam* it shut? crystal clear* is the standard idiom. *letting my dad back under this roof was unacceptable (not an option)* >> a hasty fix up of numerous errors, the hardest to discern being your misuse of the word "non-negotiable." Look up the word; it means "not subject to discussion" in a nutshell. It doesn't mean anything about whatever is non-negotiable as far as what the decision is. In other words, you could be letting your dad back in, and that action isn't up for debate.

- the next few sentences are redundant and overly personal -- inept to be concise.

I didn't read any further. The essay cannot be salvaged after your opening salvo. Good luck on your next attempt/revision.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay large firm and small company - higher income in a large one [4]

hmmm, I'm feeling mercurial

- dilemma would neatly supplant "problem", following up on the post before this
- you start as though your reader has already been briefed on the topic; they haven't
- both choices*
- at a large company*
- does the big company offer "more knowledge and experience" compared to the little one? If so, why "... wide experience and knowledge about the company operation, but his income ...?"

- you prefer large companies to smaller companies, given the opportunity to work at either one*
- why are you referring to yourself "me" as though you're convincing "me?" Use "I"*
- "There are several reasons for me to choose the big company, and the main reason is that I wish to be a professional and I believe working in big company will help me to realize it."

This sentence is spliced; use a semicolon instead of comma.

That's a wrap, hope it helps.

Speeches / Does America Still Have Heroes? [28]

They're really heroic...

None are [paid] idiots motivated to "serve" by something other than to make sure our "country stays strong."

Undergraduate / Michigan Setback Essay - Irritable Bowel Syndrome [5]

Well, if you want the discriminating truth, it's clear you have a thesaurus handy somewhere. Words sound out of place and this is easily picked up by anyone familiar with them. Classically, a "thesaurizer" (one who abuses the thesaurus; a word I made up) is caught through inadequate care to the supporting words which dictate if an advanced word is appropriate or not.

I don't want to single out any examples in particular. Besides, your writing style is unique enough that these problems will correct on their own when you actually acquire an understanding of them.

The ending was disappointing, contrasted with the majority of your essay. You can probably do much better, even and especially with a different topic.

Undergraduate / Transfer Admissions Essay my 'NEW' essay to NYU - "My Valuable Education" [7]

There's workable material if you omit and adjust significantly. Leave out the sheerly irrelevant stuff and work on your "message." Also, take a more active approach. The energy is so lacking because your writing is immature.

Count how many sentences start "I." How many make use of the word "became" or a cousin?
How many suffer anemia through your listless tone?

I'll let you in on a shortcut. Count the number of sentences in your essay...

Speeches / Does America Still Have Heroes? [28]

It's a cold world baby girl. Learn how to write and stop griping about your laziness.

Research Papers / Risk Management Thesis paper idea [6]

You 'want' to write about AIG? That means you should have 50 pages in a flash.

Quantity is a constraint, not a goal, if you have developed your writing skills well enough and have something you 'want' to write about. You could take 5-8 points and pound out 2-3 didactical pages per day for 7 days straight. Then make it flawless by proofreading it for 2 days, taking a one day break, proofreading 2 more days, taking another break, and proofreading one last time. Shit, turn in the kind of assignment your professor won't even understand; it's great fun and they're coerced into handing you top grade because they haven't a clue what you're talking about.

Analyze, take notes, cross check them, document shortcomings, point out mistakes, let your Prof. know that any word or action they take will be scrutinized; frazzle and intimidate them.

This takes intense preparation but works to great effect.

I only say that because it's not a quantitative topic. It's so easy to bully your professor with time and incentive. You can make their job lecturing living hell. But you should only take these measures if they piss you off being stupid. I mean, I could harass and chip any of 5 professors I have right now if they came at me the wrong way.

Write the paper methodically -- extremely accurately -- in language a law student would have trouble understanding. Your A is guaranteed.

Post your first paragraph; if I can't find a half dozen errors, you're going about it the right way.

Undergraduate / 'I thought about my Grandma' - My Big Setback- University of Michigan Essay [4]

The essay is neither good or bad. As a disinterested observer there's nothing impressive or of note, except perhaps that you can write decently.

Essays / (expanding on the idea?) - ucf essay question about obstacle or bump [7]

If you know best, why are you here?
If you had the good sense to read beyond a 3rd grade level you'd understand the observation I made (i.e., you cannot assume reasons for the circumstances in the lives of other people, more to the point, people as an entity. It makes you sound like an idiot, which could be gainful if you want to portray yourself in an accurate light).

A good essay does not focus much on other people in any event. You are to mostly and ultimately describe yourself.

Undergraduate / Stanford Intellectual Vital; "world free from the barriers of social prejudices" [9]

China is poised to overtake the US on the world stage.
Chinese outnumber Americans 4-5:1.
They are smarter than Americans on average.
Their economy will be the largest by 2050 or so.
China has a very rich history.

The U.S. was founded on the systematic destruction of indigenous Native Americans and on the backs of Africans who were shackled, shipped, and slaved brutally. The only country ever to detonate atomic bombs, vaporizing hundreds of thousands of civilians, including men women and children, and horribly disfiguring more.

Observe those pictures online of the "survivors." We don't have to stop at those highlights; the tradition of murdering civilians is being upheld with great honor today.

Essays / Christmas essays - Writing about a childhood Christmas; 2-3 page narrative paper [13]

Are you retarded? It's a secular holiday observed Dec. 25.
The rest can be researched and condensed into a paper.

Essays / (expanding on the idea?) - ucf essay question about obstacle or bump [7]

- It's not a question.
- *accept
- They could accept any essay since they reserve discretion. It's unlikely they'd view favorably an ignorant statement that all obstacles are avoidable and brought on by people who 'allow' them. You don't know the shit some people bear without a word -- obstacles that would make your knees buckle and heart humble -- so speak for yourself :)

Undergraduate / "the city of Las Vegas" - Describe the world you come from [21]

Pretend I am your close friend. Now, tell me what major you are going to choose and why. Use those reasons as a guide in supporting your essay. Maybe people freeze up in formal writing because it is formal writing, when they are being asked reasonable questions that deserve reasonable, thoughtful answers. Maybe people throw a bunch of names into a hat and pick one at random to be their major. Who knows for sure is a mystery, but most of these essays sound utterly lost to convince a person that you should rethink at some length what you endeavor to do with precious time that won't come back.

Undergraduate / 'Emergency rooms; I was attacked' - UCF topic number 1 [11]

Send 27 cattle and a mare. I'll have an essay at your behest that an admissions officer will fawn over.

Undergraduate / 'Emergency rooms; I was attacked' - UCF topic number 1 [11]

Sorry, your draft doesn't cut it for me.

I understand your opening as willfully deceiving for dramatic effect (i.e. the girl was literally you). I rather like it.

You can't fabricate the version of events while writing in first person though.
As you say "I", the reader is putting their unqualified trust in whatever you say. Violating that trust is painful for your reader be it in a certain genre of book or movie where it is accepted practice, or in this essay where it isn't.

Fortunately, this problem can be remediated by removing all direct links which establish the arbitrary circumstances as emanating from your perspective, in favor of obscure references that allow you wiggle room to refuse ownership of those accounts and descriptions.

Now, assuming I've been so far correct, you want to be especially careful in describing yourself as you evaluate the girl through whatever pretense. Identity consists of the spontaneous component and reflective component which double checks your beingness and actions. Cruelty, shallowness or inconsideration, it will be doubly magnified. Disparity resulting from ingenuity or a disorder of the mind may lead your reader to assume you are clever, afflicted with mental disorder, or both.

If you manage to address these issues, consider also addressing the more serious problems:

- You're what, 17 or 18 or 19 now..?.. meaning the relationship was benign. That hurts your credibility when you confess quasi suicide contemplations over it. It reflects poorly on your judgment that two years was inadequate for the purpose of knowing the guy in any meaningful sense. You sound asinine explaining that it hurt more because he left you for your friend. Supposedly battered, enough to warrant a hospital trip, you are all the while waiting and hoping that the bloke will come down the hall to offer a show of support..?

On the whole, you'll pardon me for judging you on the basis of this essay as mentally unstable, shallow, insecure, immature, and deceptive. etc. etc.

I don't know what some people here think...
If someone who doesn't even review essays regularly can detects lies, embellishments, exaggerations, whatever euphemism floats your boat, how do you think it will fare in the hands of a jaded admissions officer?

Keep the literary device for your new essay or a future essay in college, and toss out the rest.

Do not lie. Do not write anything that presents you in an unfavorable light. Do not write about events that are irrelevant in the context of this essay, however central they may be otherwise.

Actually, I think the second guideline covers most or all undesirable elements. Of course, it's circular to tell an irrational person to avoid things that aren't rational; how would they judge?

Undergraduate / The inconsistency in my life made me who I am today. (biographical essay) [5]

The opening is meek. If approached the right way you have a very strong topic. The meat of your essay relates that you moved to A, then B, then back to A...

By this point I could say your essay was a failure.

Now, the reason it compels extensve revision or a rewrite has to do with consistency. All throughout, you fail the test of style and substance.

Both are ideal, but style can usually serve as a vald substitute for substance.

Lacking both will fail your essay without fail.

Sentence structure and tone must vary enough that your author can detect emotion. Using lively words and arranging them to suggest an identity can also help your author out. I suspect I would encounter great difficulty in correctly picking the essay written by you from a random batch of essays.

Hi, people value consistency in America. Your employer expects you to arrive on time everyday, ... My life has been the antithesis. I immigrated at a young age and adapted to unfamiliar circumstances. Compounding this, I moved a half dozen times more, including across the country when I least expected it. In spite of all this, I'm now Americanized! The inconsistency makes me who I am today.

That summarizes your essay and isn't as lengthy.

Notice how I linked the sentences throughout, even while trying to provide a very terse summary containing essential elements to contrast with your bloated essay.

1. Consistency-value 2. Example -- twist 3. Transition 4. Transition 5. Inconsistency-Identity

This flow is vital. So too, is a consistent and MEANINGFUL message.

Revise.

Writing Feedback / low-paying secure job OR high-paying unsecure job? [8]

Your essay is riddled with reasoning errors. The stability of the lower paying job has been established by the prompt so challenging it is a no go. On top of that, you make contradictory arguments all throughout to suggest you are really confused. Anyway, I'm not sure what standard applies for the TOEFL test so you'll probably pass for all I know.

The title of the thread stuck out to me because I face(d) the same dilemma.

Obviously the chief incentive to work is salary, balanced with job security.
So you have all manner of physicians with the highest salaries. The disincentive rests with the burden of loans you have to take on, your lost youth, and the insane effort required. Engineers make quite a bit in a short time frame but their salary levels off over time and the field requires too much effort with all the maths (Vector Calc., Linear Algebra, Topology, etc.). Lawyers do well, but graduating from a top school is usually a must; you also have to sacrifice your youth to get established in law. This blows because what could be better than Law for someone who enjoys arguing? Well, those top paying professions are disqualified for one reason or another. Besides arguing (law), business is always interesting. Therein you have accounting and finance. Finance is lucrative, pays more than accounting, and poses no time constraints; the only problem with it is that jobs ebb and flow. Alas, accounting is the best option; a CPA (Certified Public Accountant) makes $60,000 or so right off the bat and garners hefty increases to this figure with each year of experience. S(he) enjoys unparalleled

job security, went to school for only 4-5 years, and reserves the option of going longer for other 3 letter acronyms to supplement his or her pristine CPA credentials. Oh yes, I forgot to mention: accounting however tedious, is not that hard with the exception of the CPA exam, so you can cruise along while drawing ever closer to the big, continually increasing, and relatively secure payday!

Undergraduate / "the conductor" - Common app- Activity [6]

"I was trying to show the reader I play the cello without saying specifically, "I play the cello."'

Yes, there are probably a dozen ways to express that thought offhand without boring or confusing your reader. If I had to choose one kind of essay to read, and my only options were a boring essay and a confusing essay, count on a few things:

- A gun is aimed at me and the dude packing it keeps barking "CHOOSE ONE"
- I'd choose the boring one.

See and try to bear in mind what is said at the end of post #6 in this thread:

https://essayforum.com/general-writing-questions-13/to-av oid-contractions-8018/

Grammar, Usage / How to avoid contractions in writing? [11]

Contractions are colloquial. I recall reading in a few places and hearing from a few teachers early on, contractions should be avoided. Some English teachers enforce it as a strict rule while others don't care.

Outside of English, as I've found, professors will throw sacred dictates such as bibliographies clear out the window. Whatever the case, if you're ordered not to use them, don't. If you're writing a formal essay (including most admissions statements) and unsure, don't use them. If you're writing a fairly academic paper, as you are required to do often in certain fields, definitely avoid them. Contractions functionally disappear as the topic of interest becomes complex and technical.

The common sense way to avoid a word is by writing what you mean to say in a different way. This ability can be developed through mastery of the language.

Take your first sentence for example. It can be adapted to exclude any word without losing vital meaning.

"I discovered that I didn't tremble anymore when I had to speak publicly."

It was relieving to find that my body no longer trembled while speaking publicly.

I realized that I didn't tremble anymore when I had to speak publicly.

The trembling which I had reluctantly accepted as an incurable symptom of public speaking, subsided, and shortly thereafter disappeared completely.

Here is a sentence that avoids all of what was contained in your original sentence, while staying close in meaning:

My body no longer shook while addressing an assembly of people, it occurred in the back of my mind.

If you can't (find yourself unable to) (are incapable of acting to) (lack the ability to) (do not possess the skill to) (try and fail at base, to) (beg the skill to) etc. etc. etc. paraphrase a sentence in a half dozen or more ways, your language skills may need serious work.

Undergraduate / "the conductor" - Common app- Activity [6]

I don't know much about musical instruments and don't really care to.
That out the way, were you trying to be cute by "Sitting among my fellow cellos?"

It's more confusing than funny if it's a reference to the instrument.

"I waited for the conductor to finish rambling about the violins. "The cellos and basses set the rhythm, but you have the melody! Bring out the soul of the music!" He did a little dance to emphasize his point."

Don't denigrate or disparage (rambling), however faint, in an application. If your sole care is getting it within 150 words, cut out his dance and you're done.

Undergraduate / 'many influential figures' - who has made an impact on your life (My Father) [11]

This is your third different essay in the same thread. One essay per thread, two in certain situations if you're sensible.

Undergraduate / 'some kind of medical career' - Umich admission essay LSA: career [5]

"So far my primary career choice is to become a doctor but I am still unsure."

It's not a choice if you're still unsure.
Your essay reads like tick-tock, tick-tock ... I'd implement Sean's advice. It would do you good to add a design to the essay -- vary your sentence structure, pace, etc.

"What I love the most about pursuing a career as a physician is the fact that I would make a difference in society. I asked myself "when someone gets sick, who do they go to?" I could be the doctor that makes that person feel better. The fact that I could help others with my career makes it that much more appealing. I also know that if I pursued a medical career at the University of Michigan I would receive the best education possible to prepare me for medical school."

A few quick notes:

Medical school is intensely competitive, so my advice is to get it together soon on what you want to do. There's no room for indecision.

You're not yet pursuing a medical career. Everyone uses that motivating precept that they want to help people because they're so altruistic. Consequently, it's somewhat of a joke now to cite that as your reason for wanting to become a doctor, unless you are intelligent enough to eschew a bulletin point template and show something different, something intriguing. Does Michigan really offer the best education for people looking at medical school in their future?

Undergraduate / Biological science - University of Michigan LSA short statement [5]

"...the degree of incompatibility"

No, I agree mostly.

Undergraduate / Pole-vaulting - my UF undergrad application essay [5]

I like the humorous references toward the end but worry that the slow build, climaxing with a failure, and closed out by a few clipped sentences, could be adverse to your objective.

On the whole, I think a common mistake is to recount the details of an experience too extensively that the overarching lesson, qualities, whatever it is that you gained from it and wish to show, becomes overshadowed.

I didn't make it past six feet that day, but I experienced for myself the growth through failure that easy success can't always instill. I felt in my essence as I had not before; no matter how hard you prepare for something, devoting energy until you have nothing more to give, obstacles will loom and eventually one will catch your motion. Evidence that you've hit the obstacle won't be in dispute -- if you can shrug it off with confidence and unaffected resolve, your mental toughness and character won't be either. Thus, the reality that you're stronger than before will be known to you, perhaps only you. My experience landing on the mat, then seeing the pole and standard crashing, fortified my security with an outcome I had absolute control over. I've consistently applied the lesson of those few moments on that illusorily adverse day, beyond the scope of what I would have in success, and I hope I can make use of this ability to achieve great success at the University of Florida!

Look at how I rewrote your ending, emphasizing what importance the experience has as a tool to facilitate success at the university. Use it as a guide in rewriting your ending (don't copy it).

Undergraduate / 'many influential figures' - who has made an impact on your life (My Father) [11]

"Why not ..IF i may ask???"

Some "sensitive" topics in the hands of a judgmental person predispose them to a negative mindset about the applicant. In other words, suicide as a topic in your essay could disqualify you from consideration. Always be cognizant of the advantages and disadvantages of a subjective appraisal by your fellow human.

"I'm confused...I can't see how this essay is about suicide."

The essay in question from post #4 (I think) has been subsequently removed.

Writing Feedback / Essay based on an aphorism - Black Tees in August [8]

You fail to explain what Twain meant by those words. Do some research to arrive at a blueprint for what Twain had in mind.

When you understand what was intended, then you'll be in a position to write an essay with conviction that you're not bastardizing through haphazard guesswork Twain's original analysis. The essay's quality will in turn manifestly improve by its increased accuracy, credibility, and laser vision.

That's not to say you can't augment with your interpretation and ensuing discussion. It is to say you should preserve in close form, at least at the outset, the biographical basis.

Submit again heeding what I've recommended or wait for more feedback.

Undergraduate / Biological science - University of Michigan LSA short statement [5]

Biological science? Biology works better.

"I want to learn how such complex phenomena as free will and thought are created through the reactions of simple substances and chemicals"

Good luck with that. Free will expressly contradicts governance by an empirical process. In place of it you might substitute "attraction", "pleasure" and other processes that Biology may play a part in.

"...come close to understanding not only their world, but the vast truths and intricate laws of the entire universe."

Define how "their world" is different from the "entire universe" (unless you're going to take my advice which follows >>>). Also, consider dropping the "vast truths and intricate laws of the entire universe." portion because its relationship to Biology, on face, isn't there. If physics was your area of interest, you'd have a tenable argument.

Your essay, amended to include a more suitable opening and replace generic with specific (especially the line or two on the anatomy book, which Sean aptly noted) is otherwise solid for the purpose you cited.

Once you've fixed the aforesaid problems, feel free to submit for a check on the actual prose, including grammar and diction.

------------------------------------------------------------ ------------

"Being a creationist and being a serious academic in any field related to biology is an oxymoron."

In keeping with the good conventions of interaction and collaboration, I would also advise Sean to reconsider the good faith in that statement on two fronts. Cristian didn't indicate in any part that he wants to be a serious academic.

"...yearning for a profession in the field" and "...to pursue an occupation in a field for which I have so much passion" both inform a high likelihood that our author is considering a non research/academic position, though I'll concede that neither of the two exclude the possibility [academic].

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, an oxymoron is "a figure of speech or expressed idea in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction (e.g. bittersweet)."

The statement in question references no two consecutive or joined terms which contradict each other. Sean's idea is not lost but the terminology he used is unsupported. In this case, I think it's due to the time intensive nature of finding an appropriate way to impress the degree of incompatibility, and the volume of threads that beckon to be reviewed.

Undergraduate / 'many influential figures' - who has made an impact on your life (My Father) [11]

Writing about suicide is not a good idea for an admissions essay.

Writing Feedback / Essay based on an aphorism - Black Tees in August [8]

I don't understand where your problem arises. Pick one, explain its meaning, where it originates from, and any historical context. You may further discuss how obective-subjective it is, whether you agree or disagree as a matter of personal experience, etc.

You don't have to rail against anyone.
If you find yourself unable to get started on any of them, absent a discussion on morality, maybe it's best that you do write about it from that perspective because you feel something so strongly.

Undergraduate / "self-confidence in the hospital" - University of Florida Essay [5]

"However, the nurses encouragement proved to be false as I began my invaluable experience at the hospital."

I'm reading along, so far so good, and come across this sentence. Don't preface your writing with daft, insincere remarks. You could get away with this ("invaluable experience"), just being written off as unoriginal.

However, you will be caught and punished as the rhetoric shifts dramatically within the course of a single sentence to suggest embellishment as one of your strong attributes.

"A week went by and things at the hospital were still obscure to me."

Note the irony; "things" is an obscure word.

"Forcing my way back into the circle around the patient I told the nurses, "We need to get both of her feet above the level of her head to get the blood to flow to her brain."'

The matter of fact tone used throughout your second paragraph generates additional skepticism about the actual version of events. You're reacting in a dynamic situation in just the right way, commenting on vital signs, lastly advising nurses on what should be done to restore the patient to consciousness?

'"What happen? Where am I?" said the disoriented patient, who finally and to my relief was back to a full conscious state."

"finally" is a comment on the chronology; it does not require the word "and" which follows it.

"After this shocking event, nurses congratulated and commended me on my promptness in the situation. As time went by, a new level of self-confidence in the hospital was over me."

The event can be described in far better ways, if it actually occurred...
The nurses would commend you on your precise, correct actions and recommendations, in addition to your "promptness." Figure out what you mean in the second sentence; I'm hesitant to suggest anything because this could go any way as most distorted accounts are inherently unpredictable.

"Experiencing this incident reminds me each and every day of the importance of knowledge that you learn, whether at school or just from a book. This event will contribute my experience at University of Florida as I will take no life experience, knowledge or activity for granted. I hope to teach others in my surroundings, whether at University of Florida or elsewhere, of my respect for knowledge, and hope that they might also see the value of education."

The close is farcically shallow with respect to the events that allegedly occurred. Not a shred of meaningful content can be salvaged from it.

Undergraduate / A personal statement: reflection about different cultures [6]

Do a spell/grammar check. Don't use words you don't know the precise meaning of.
Ask yourself consciously, what do you want the sentence you are currently writing to convey? Snap out of the storytelling tone to reflect in present time the signficance of your stor(y)(ies). Use unambiguous transitions and clear language to dispel the haze which can settle on your essay, making it sound like a free write better suited to a diary.

These are general guidelines which will serve you well in a rewrite, the last few especially.

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

"Ok so, please murder this essay!"

That shouldn't be a problem when you ask nicely.

First off, let me be one of the early people to clear your head of any misconception that your high school GPA should warrant more attention than a mosquito bite.

I admire your first few sentences for diverging from what is usual -- in other words for not being insipid. You seem to imply that the voice of this generation will derive from the larynx of a genius. Again, this is curious because I never thought of the ambassador for our generation as a scholar or philosopher. Anyway, we have an essay to murder.

The bell rang, and my teacher began by expressing to us the importance of trying hard and setting out what was expected of us in terms of dedication and work ethic. The original sentence was unacceptably awkward.

After the first weekend, the teacher announced a pop quiz. This is concise, and corrects your peculiar tendency of referring to the teacher as yours (my teacher), but at the same time saying "the class."

The quiz seemed straightforward, yet as hard as I tried, the answers to these routine questions would not form themselves in my head.
I changed "test" to quiz as it should be, and rearranged/rewrote the sentence to effect a change in tone from whiny and deceptive to reasonable and consistent.

"In the weeks that followed, as a continuation of ratified policy, I took precaution not to exert myself too much and my grades soon floundered. No matter I told myself, studying is for people who actually have to make an effort to do well. Stubbornly, I convinced myself to endure what could be no less than a series of aberrations; surely my grades would revert back to what I was accustomed with and I would resume my familiar position of academic supremacy."

Ok, I really lost interest here. So sorry to cut it short.

Skimming the rest of a comprehensible but otherwise deficient essay, I noted a few items of interest that bear mentioning.

The atmosphere depicted in the part about your mom cooking dinner -- it's repulsive. Parents obviously would like for their kids to do well but when they maintain what appears to be a pressurized household that inspires kids to feel sick dread over something as trivial as grades, they're failing miserably as parents who should respect and love their kids for being their kids.

Why should it matter to anyone but you what your grades are, aside from caring as a result of how it makes YOU feel?

This is probably the other unhealthy extreme that I thought was played out in movies and stories but which does evidently exist...
Really, how does I.Q. arise as a topic of discussion in a conversation with a parent? Bizarre...

Getting back on topic, your mom's reassurance in quotes at the end falls flat and sets your ending off kilter. While we are on that subject, it was just announced that your final paragraph is the consensus pick for the worst. You mean to say that that fateful day you realized people are both dumber AND smarter than you? Actually, those evaluations up to an I.Q. of about 120 can reliably predict where you'll fall on the socioeconomic ladder using aggregate data, so they may be worth more than an inferiority complex.

Discard the last two sentences categorically, unless your objective was to debase the worthy elements rumored to exist in this essay.

I recommend that you remove informal references and rewrite the final paragraph.
This is not a strong essay; if you don't have legitimate setbacks to write about, manufacture one and write about it.

Speeches / Does America Still Have Heroes? [28]

Like the person who responded before me, I'm not sure if you're still working on this assignment (probably not, based on circumstantial evidence).

You could take the well trodden path of defining what a hero is to you and write your speech accordingly.

Or you could dare to say the opposite of what would invariably amount from the first option by stating emphatically that there are no heroes left in America and launch a vicious, partly humorous tirade on the decline in virtue and morality if you so feel that is the case.

Or you could do a time series analysis that equips your argument answering yes, but not as many as we used to.

You could also make the offbeat assertion that we will always have heroes in a substantially similar proportion, just qualify it by offering that the meaning of the word hero will shift to reflect cultural values in a state of constant adaptation -- whether the trend has been good or bad in recent history you can decide by illustrating the qualities of heroes today and heroes of yesteryear and concluding something interesting.

It's a dull topic and I'm sure the submissions will have predictable ideations.
Fortunately, for your grade level you're writing to no specific end and so you can come from the rafters or pop your skull out of a burrow without ill effect.

Student Talk / Tips and sources for CLEP Essay Practice Topics [8]

I'd be surprised if people haven't submitted at least a few dozen essays designed to address sample CLEP topics, for feedback here in the past.

It shouldn't matter if the topic is authentically CLEP; the majority of sample essay topics you find online will help improve your writing skills at the same rate.