Graduate / SOP_ FOR MS in US for mechanical engineering [2]

Babandee, Both your essays are quite informative but do not follow the required information that should be contained in a statement of purpose. In order to write an effective SOP just present your responses the 4 important aspects of an SOP. These questions that you have to answer are:

1. What is your current experience in the field of interest you are applying to?
2. How will an advanced degree in this field help you professionally?
3. What current seminars or trainings have you undergone that will show the logical next step for your profession? You can briefly mention your college studies in this part.

4. What are your future plans and how will completing this degree help you achieve those goals?

These are the questions that directly relate and reveal the purpose for your advanced studies. Just answer these questions and you will have a well written and well developed statement of purpose that you can use for any master university application you wish to submit it to.

Graduate / Masters of Economics with Thesis Option - Statement of Intent [2]

Your statement of intent should only present your current credentials which are relevant to the advanced studies that you are applying for admission to. There is no need to discuss the basis of the development of your love for economics because you are already expected to have worked a number of years (at least 2 years) where the necessity for higher studies in relation to your profession became evident. Revise the essay to present your current work capacity, seminars, and trainings attended, with only a summary of your college degree and experiences. Your concentration in this paper should be on developing your image as a capable student whose thesis is bound to change the way the work is done in your profession. Try to cut the essay/letter down to a length that is more readable and interesting to the reviewer. Go directly to the points of interest that are required by the prompt in order to immediately answer the prompt and allow the reviewer to decide if thesis option is something that will be of interest to the university. Those two points should be presented in the first paragraph of the essay if possible.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Ability to read and write - today, those basic skills make society more comfort for living. [4]

In the second paragraph where you discuss the tyrannical governments, you need to add more supporting evidence in order to make it effective and believable. Try to present the way that social media (twitter, facebook, etc.) all of which require the ability to read and write have helped to bring freedom to people and topple unfair or unpopular governments.

Your conclusion also needs work. What you presented as a conclusion was actually a new paragraph with new ideas presented. As you know, the conclusion cannot contain new ideas, only a summary of the prompt, the summary of facts, and a reiteration of the point of view reflected in the essay. You will need to fix the conclusion in order to create a more effective ending for your essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Should land be developed or left in natural condition? [3]

Definitely an improved mode of writing Mariana. Your writing shows a clear understanding of the prompt and you have managed to present specific reasons and supporting arguments for the perceived stance of your country. Perceived stance because there is no clear statement detailing that the facts you are presenting are from authoritative figures from the government of your country who believe in this sentiment. Your essay would have been greatly improved by the use of actual government point of views instead of what seems to be only a seriously worded personal point of view. The essay is effective in any case. Though there are still grammatical errors that need to be addressed, the essay works in the overall context of the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Television: a Microcosm of the Political Culture and Economy of China - Pomona College essay [2]

You have presented quite an interesting topic for the study. The fact that very little is known about Chinese television and the policies surrounding it ensures that it will be a popular seminar or class among the communications students. While learning about the historical and contemporary aspect of the topic will allow the students to gain a different kind of perspective about the subject, I feel that the seminar / class would benefit from the addition of one discussion at the end, the future of Chinese television. Armed with their new knowledge about how the Chinese television industry works, wouldn't it be nice to discuss how the participants view the future of Chinese programming or raise questions about how irrelevant some of the policies have become and need to be updated in order to allow a new era of controlled television viewing for the Chinese people? I think that would be a very nice way to close out the essay that you wrote :-)

Undergraduate / I learned the sport all by myself - Skating - Extracurricular Activities essay [13]

This elaboration of an extra curricular activity is alright but does not show anything about the personality or usable skill that you developed during this time. The prompt is asking you to share a skill with them that taught you something about life or improved you as a person. There is nothing of that sort in the essay. Instead, you come across as self-centered and unable to take advice from other people. Which is a character that is not ideal in a future student. You need to share an activity that share a sense of you as a collaborative person, a team player, a person who knows how to take constructive criticism and use it to her benefit. Either change the activity to one that shows off one or all of those traits or talk about a volunteer activity you engage in instead.

Letters / College Portfolio letter about why I chose the essays I did for my portfolio [2]

Alicia, you need to edit the cover letter for redundancies. You mention taboo words and sentence structure problems one too many times. Once you have already discussed a topic, there is no need to further discuss it later on. You can also improve the letter by closing it in such a way that reveals what you think of your writing abilities now. In your opinion, did your writing improve over the semester using these methods of learning? If you did, how did you notice that you were improving? Grade yourself personally on a scale of 1-10, what would that grade be? Most importantly, discuss how you hope to continue further improving your writing skills now that you have already finished this composition course.

Scholarship / Education, a tool for altering change. [5]

There are numerous grammatical errors in your essay at the moment because you changed the wordings that I had presented in the template. However, those errors can be overlooked because the essay gained your voice in the process. This essay already reflects the person you are and what is important to you. Go ahead and use it, errors and all, because those errors show your need and desire to attain a higher education. These are the reasons that you wish to enroll in college, you want to improve who you are and work on improving the plight of other uneducated Africans. Good luck with your application :-)

Undergraduate / The life of an immigrant that came to the US, but was terrified [9]

After you mention that your parents left you with your aunt, do a time jump and go directly to the moment when you finally went to join them in the United States. Mention what the state of your family was like when you first arrived and how you felt about it. Discuss how you found it difficult to adjust to the living situation, academic standards, social setting. Narrate your story to show how you had to struggle with all of these things before you became adjusted and learned to become a new person in order to survive in this new world. Explain how you needed to get to know your family again because of all the time you spent away from them and how you had to adjust to your family members because of the time you spent away from them. Perhaps you saw them as strangers at first? Explain how it all happened for you. If you want to be able to properly write this essay prompt, do not reuse any information from your previous response. Write a totally new response centering upon the suggestions I made instead.

Undergraduate / Discovery of my potential. Luckily my practice hits perfection, after the third term I was promoted. [12]

That is a topic that is not normally touched upon in this type of common app essay. I have to say that it is a very interesting subject matter and, if you write it properly, it will make a very good center for your essay response. Go ahead and write a new draft using this new topic. Don't forget that you have to use the same thread when you post it here because it still relates to the same essay prompt. If you post a new thread, it might be merged by the admin because of the same essay prompt that has to be answered. I am really looking forward to your next version of the essay. Good luck! :-)

Undergraduate / My effectiveness of time management [5]

Adeyemi, the essay is alright but can be better. I believe that in the portion where you explain how you prepared for the contest, you should do more than just you back it up with studying and practice reading. Specifically mention the topics that you concentrated on learning and how far advanced your reading went. Lessen the narrative about the contest venue and the other students present. Instead, explain how you used the allotted time properly. I ask you to do this because your title mentions that you learned about time management specifically.So you need to pay closer attention and mention greater details about that aspect of the competition. Forget the word count. You always need to go over the word count in your first draft because you need to mention greater details before you can edit and reduce the word count properly.

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]

Your essay works very well at this point. The ideas your present in the latter part is quite interesting and has shown how you can be a good fit as a student at UPenn. There is just a section that does not work at all with the essay even with the second revision. Could you come up with another introduction aside from the reference to HAL? It just does not blend very well with the rest of the essay. Perhaps you can introduce something else that is more along the lines of laying the foundation for the program of study, classes, and potential internship opportunities that the university provides? The HAL reference just does not fit well with the prompt of this essay and should perhaps be reserved for future use in a more suitable prompt.

Undergraduate / I wondered how humans could prove their existence after reading the "brain-in-a-vat" - 'Why' Essay [4]

Coco, this is an interesting essay from you. The problem is that I am not sure about how to go about analyzing the content and reviewing the way that you wrote it because you have not supplied us with the prompt for the essay. Before you post any essay in this forum, you need to let us know what question from the university you are trying to answer. The question you supply will be our guide in reading and commenting upon your essay draft. Please post the essay prompt as soon as you can for a more accurate review and comments regarding your essay. Don't get me wrong, the essay is good, we just need to make sure that the essay is properly written for the prompt the university is expecting you to answer.

Undergraduate / When I was a year old, my family was selected for the Diversity Immigrant Visa program in Sudan [4]

Abdel, I feel that you need to refocus the content of your essay because it tries to focus on too many family related issues instead of concentrating on the development of your central identity story. I suggest that you review the essay, revising the portion after your family left you in Sudan in the care of your aunt. While learning about the hardships that your family members had to go through is an interesting story to learn about, it does not help to establish your central identity. What we need to learn from you in this essay is this, after everything that you experienced in life, who did you finally realize yourself to be? How did those personal experiences blend together to create the sense of self identity that you now possess? Present that as the focus of your essay, lessen the stories about losing relatives, sleeping on the floor, etc. in order to properly answer the requirements of the prompt.

Undergraduate / UF is my way of declaring that I will not settle for less, I am destined to live "The Good Life" [2]

De Angelis, you have not properly answered the prompt. The narrative that you presented was disjointed and did not really relate in any way, shape. or form to the main issue of the prompt which is to answer the question


Your response should have totally related to your academic pursuits, social lifestyle, and student community experience that the University of Florida offers. Your story about the good life would only be relevant if it somehow related to the way that the University of Florida would prepare you to live "the good life". At this point, your essay is useless and cannot be used for the prompt. You need to write a new one that better considers and responds to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Untranslatable meanings of special words - UChicago Supplement [4]

While your choice of words is one that is quite casual and enjoyable to read about, I feel that it is not the kind of word that would make this essay impressive or catch the attention of the admissions officer who reads it. You need to choose a word from your language that has a much more personal meaning to you. A meaning that is unique to your culture and traditions. It has to be a word that will help describe an aspect of your culture and maybe yourself, in a way. The word needs to be untranslatable due to the emotion and sentiments that it evokes in the person. While food is an interesting topic, that is not exactly the answer that this prompt is expecting as a response. You need to take the essay seriously and use it as a platform to explain something unique about you and your world. I am sure you can find a word that can accomplish that task for you :-)

Graduate / 'devote full-time to ever grow as a research scientist' - Bioscience Graduate Program SOP [2]

David, the only portion of this SOP that you can use for your essay is the latter part that speaks of your current project. The prior part of the essay does not provide enough current information about your experience in the field that can be viewed as a basis for your consideration as a masters degree student. I suggest that you revise the essay to include the following information that is required in an SOP:

1. Your current work experience in the field.
2. How does your choice of masters degree affect your future in your chosen field?
3. Any current training, work experience, seminars, or training you have attended in relation to your field of work which serves as the logical basis for your advanced studies decision. This is prioritized over your past college experience and academic pursuits.

4. Your future short and long term goals in relation to your desire to graduate from this program.

Undergraduate / The life of an immigrant that came to the US, but was terrified [9]

Wow Mamoud! You certainly presented a well rounded central identity essay. It truly depicts the difficulties of immigrant life in the United States and the trials and tribulations that come with it. While I did enjoy reading and finding out about how your family coped with the situation, I felt that too much attention was paid to the family story rather than your own personal struggles during this trying time. Try to redirect the essay to deal more with how the situation of your family affected you emotionally, mentally, and socially. That way you paint a better picture of how this situation helped to develop your central identity. Do you still have time to do that? I'm willing to help you if you want to try and do it.

Graduate / 'passionate about making a difference in the lives' - Family Nurse Practitioner Admission Essay [7]

My mistake Will, I meant to say 1000 words not 100. Upon further review, I realized that there is a need to remove the wordiness of your essay so I suggest that you review your whole essay. You need to review what you wrote and jot down the most notable and important portions of each paragraph that will properly respond to the essay prompt. Be direct to the point and don't try to over elaborate on your accomplishments. Remove any embellishments that you added because that will only take up word space. Keep the essay as short but informative as possible in order to make it easier for the admissions officer to read. He does not have the time to wade through very long essays looking for the essence and answers within your work. Bring all required answers to the front of the paragraph with a short but informative description afterwards. Try not be less than 3 sentence but no more than 6 sentences in each paragraph.

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

Definitely build your essay around the inspiration and abilities that you have which have all contributed to your desire to attend FIT and pursue your major. Avid discussing any activities that do nor relate directly to your prompt. There will be other common essay apps that will allow you to discuss that. For this essay discuss your interest in fashion, how it developed, and what activities you have participated in that have helped you hone your skills. Make sure to call attention to any notable awards or internships that have helped you decide that you should pursue a future in fashion and design.

Undergraduate / Teaching under Heartbreaking Circumstances [6]

Angelis, you really do not understand what the prompt requires. Let me try and explain it to you. Based upon the essay that you wrote, the place where you feel most comfortable in is this makeshift classroom where you teach these students.You are not required to discuss the students and what you do in the classroom with them or how they act in class or around you. The children are not a place. You have to discuss is the place where these events occur, the classroom. What you have to discuss in the essay is why you feel content in the classroom. The answers to this question in relation to the classroom would be because this is the place where you exchange knowledge with these children and see their smiling faces. You feel content because you know that in this classroom, you are doing things that will help change the lives and future of these children. That is how your answer should be represented in the essay. You must write the essay in that manner.

Undergraduate / UNCW Short Answer- Why do you want to go to UNCW? [2]

Hannah, your answer totally deviates from the prompt towards the end of the paper. Here is what you should do to bring it back to prompt and offer a proper response. Talk about the academic curriculum and the classes that you are looking forward to taking, mention some professors whom you feel will help you advance in your goals. Talk about the extra curricular activities of the student community that assures you that you will enjoy the next 4 years you will be spending at the school. Finally, discuss the surrounding community or town and how the warmth of the people will help you create a home away from home as you complete your studies. These can easily be done within 400 words. Just use one moderate length sentence or two in response to the prompt. That will be more than sufficient for this purpose.

Graduate / 'passionate about making a difference in the lives' - Family Nurse Practitioner Admission Essay [7]

Will keep your essay at 100 words maximum with single spaces. Try to answer each question only as a distinct paragraph. Don't offer information not being asked for by the essay prompt. Once you stick to answering only the questions that require answers, you will find that your word count will immediately go down. You don't need to be very detailed about your background. Just present the pertinent information in such a way that it comes across as very important in the paper and will present you in the best light possible as a potential student. Try to revise the essay to just a little over 1000 words and I'll see what I can do to help you make it tighter, concise, and quite strong in terms of message and theme.

Undergraduate / Discovery of my potential. Luckily my practice hits perfection, after the third term I was promoted. [12]

You could consider the topic of bullying, cheating in exams, defying the honor code of your school, or questioning authority. These are topics that you can consider for the school discussion. If you opt for events outside of school, you could discuss more controversial topics such as homosexuality, gay marriage, euthanasia, and other current events. You need to choose a topic or theme that you have personally experienced in order to properly discuss this essay. Remember, this prompt requires you to use your personal point of view in the discussion, presenting your previous and (now) current point of view on the topic of discussion. Let me know if you have any topics that you are considering and I will help you choose one that best suits the essay prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / One particular incident changed me from being self-centered to being sensitive to others. [10]

There is just a certain shallowness to the way you approach the relevance of 26/11 in relation to the development of your central identity. Too much space is still devoted to simply recalling the events that transpired rather than its effect on you and how the events helped you develop a deeper sense of logic, respect for life, point of view about terrorism, and how these events had a direct impact upon your life. The acts that you took upon yourself after the events need to be portrayed in a more serious manner. Perhaps if you volunteered to help out at a specific place after the attack and helped out, the story would have taken on a deeper meaning in relation to the development of your central identity.

Writing Feedback / Pick your favorite artist or designer. Write about a day that you would spend with her/him... [5]

Rhea, you did not answer the prompt in the proper manner. Although you signified your intention to learn and ask questions of your chosen artist (fashion designer?) You did not really relate how you would be able to accomplish all of this within a day spent with that special person. You are required by the essay to speak of a day you will spend with the person and what you hope to accomplish within that day. A day is composed of 24 hours. Your essay covers a period of time of, at least month or 6 from what I can tell. Rework the essay to happen only in 24 hours. Imagine if you say, had one day to shadow this person. What would you do? What questions would you ask? Why would that day with him or her be the most important day of your life? Those are some questions that you can answer in this kind of essay.

Undergraduate / One particular incident changed me from being self-centered to being sensitive to others. [10]

Rhea, one thing you have to understand is that the effectiveness of this essay lies in the way that you present your reactions to the world around you. It has to be an event that helped you develop a central identity. In this case, you chose a very good personal story to show the development of your central identity, but it lacks an impressive presentation. Too much of the story was spent recalling the events as it unfolded on television and what your parents did, their friend, etc. While I am not saying that doing this was wrong, you could have better utilized the effect of the story of these people if you managed to somehow relate it to the development of your central identity. Instead of placing your determinations at the end. Blend it into the events that were unfolding, how you felt, and how the determination came to be. That will make it more effective and personal on your part.

Undergraduate / UNC ESSAY: A MICROMOMENT OF CONNECTION (400 WORDS) help [4]

Sarita, your essay is quite confusing in terms of time relevance. Don't confuse the issue by mentioning that you spent 2 months at one place then 4 hours at another. The expectation when you do that is that you will be discussing two places instead of only one. Revise the introduction of your essay to cover only the introduction to the two hours that you spent at the Catholic school. Concentrate on describing how you felt and what you learned during that time. That seemingly microsecond of exposure to this school that opened your eyes up to a world of differences. Do not use the current introduction you have because it creates a disconnection with the rest of the essay. If you wish to, you can start with what is now your second paragraph as your introductory paragraph. It is more direct to the point and thus, hooks the reader onto the content of your essay sooner.

Graduate / 'passionate about making a difference in the lives' - Family Nurse Practitioner Admission Essay [7]

Will, I am a bit confused about your essay. Are you reusing this essay that you originally used in a different application? I need to know if you are doing that because your essay is overly long and has portions that obviously refer to a different essay prompt and application. I refer of course to the military service nurse references that you make in the middle of the essay.

This is actually too long for an admissions essay that has only 4 specific questions that you have to answer. I suggest that you review the essay, pick out the relevant portions in relation to the prompt questions, and then delete all the other portions that do not have a direct relation to the questions being asked. Remember, keeping it short will help your essay. Offering too much information that is not really required in the prompt will have adverse effects on your application as there is a greater chance that the admissions officer will decide to stop reading the overly long and wordy essay midstream. Post your edited essay in this thread when you are done and we will help you whip it into shape :-)

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

Ivanka, normally the college application essays have specific common prompts that ask you to explain certain academic requirements that you may or may not have completed during your high school level studies. Am I right to assume that there is a specific essay from FIT that allows you to explain that? If they do have such an essay app, then reserve the information about your failure in school for that particular application. It is more relevant there and you will have more than enough of a chance to fully explain the reasons behind the failure and how you overcame them. In this particular essay, it is just out of place and lessens the impact of the overall message. You need to build your character and potential as a student in this particular statement. If you choose to retain that reference to your failed school year, it will not only diminish the impact of the essay but put your ability to succeed as a FIT student into question. That is why I am advising you not to discuss that particular part of your educational career in this particular essay.

Undergraduate / Chapman University: The Calling of the Sea & Finding Purpose [2]

-Timothy, while it is nice that you like the location of the university, it is not a real consideration when deciding upon the merits of an educational institution. You should instead be concentrating on presenting the academic reasons as your reason for opting for Chapman. Which programs do they offer for your major that are not offered anywhere else? Discuss how their unique teaching style can help you learn better in your classes.Perhaps they have teachers you look forward to learning from? Mention those too. The location should only be mentioned at the very end and only in about a sentence or 2 or3. Go over the word count for now. You are still drafting the content of your paper and sticking to the word count at this point will limit your ability to properly present your answers. It can be brought down to the correct word count as the editing progresses.

Your answer to the second prompt is creatively perfect so I would not change anything about that statement :-)

Research Papers / American Made Sweets - analysis paper [18]

Sorry Brianna, I can't help you write the introduction and conclusion. I already offered you a sample of the thesis statement in a previous post. Those are things you have to come up with yourself. Now about the essay that you have written. It is once again, not an analysis essay. It became a personal opinion piece because of all the references to personal points of view. You should be discussing this from an unbiased point of view. A detachment that allows you to review the process and analyze how it is completed in reference to another point of view. That is how you analyze a situation, a point of view, or a process. You just turned in some pretty good narrative / creative writing at this point. Here is what you should do. Look for sample analysis essays online and use those are your example in writing your piece. I found 2 examples online that may be able to help you out. These two essays are located at:

eng101wwend.pbworks.com/w/page/45350782/Process%20Analysis%20Sample%20Essay

and

analysisessay.org/example-of-process-analysis-essay/

These are both baking process analysis essays which I believe will really help you get your essay into shape. Good luck :-)

Scholarship / Education, a tool for altering change. [5]


- This paragraph lacks clarity in terms of a thought process. Stop trying to mention education at the start of every sentence. This is a scholarship essay. So talk about your dreams and ambitions and how being home schooled first made you think that maybe you had a chance to eventually attend free school. Until your father lost his job, your mother had to work, and you together with your siblings lost all hope of ever getting and education.

Right now the essay needs to have a focus Adeyemi. Is the prompt that you provided the complete prompt? What are the core values of he scholarship you are applying for? Have you considered better aligning your essay with those values in order to create a more thought out and well written essay? Sometimes using our personal experience, such as in your case, tends to make the essay go into one too many directions and as a result, the work loses focus. Right now, there is a clear lack of focus in your essay. You seem fixated in your father losing his job and your mother supporting the family. The problem is that it does not gel with your ideas about the need for Africans to have an education. You need to connect the story of your parents lack of education with your own desire to pursue higher education in order to best explain the reasons that you feel the way that you do about the state of education in your country.

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

- I agree with EF_Kevin. This particular line of yours should serve as your complete opening paragraph or introduction because it contains the hook or reason why your reader should continue to follow what you have to say. Developing the totality of the essay around this theme solidifies your message and supporting facts regarding your ability to become an excellent FIT candidate.

In addition to his suggestion, I would like to refer you to the paragraph where you talk about failing school and repeating a year level in order to continue in the Mexican educational system. One reason you need to delete it is that you do not want to present yourself in a negative light regarding your ability to succeed as a student. This paragraph just screams "I am a failure!" even if you did keep trying and eventually succeeded. Don't present yourself in a bad light because that tends to normally stick with the reader. The paragraph also does not seem to connect with the rest of the essay as you composed it. I would instead start off the second paragraph here:


I also believe that you need to strengthen your credentials in the essay relating to the major that you are applying to at FIT. While you present extra curricular activities as strong points, I did not really find any connection between those activities and the major you are trying to get acceptance into. Never say you "hope" to become a candidate for or a FIT student. Instead, present them with the reasons why you are an excellent addition to the FIT student roster. This can be done through the presentation of your early foundation in the major, your internships and training, and other activities that relate to your chosen field. Don't just discuss extra curricular activities of all sorts. You are trying to sell yourself as a viable candidate for the school, so concentrate on activities that you know will be related to your major and are sure to impress the admissions officer. Surely you have a background in activities that relate to this interest right? Use it to the best of your abilities.

Scholarship / Education, a tool for altering change. [5]


- Just say "I believe that education is a tool... Rather than writing a quote from yourself. It is not acceptable to quote yourself in this kind of paper. You can quote other people but not yourself because you are supposed to be the main voice or reason, logic, and thought in this essay.


- As I matured, I came to see that education transcends the classroom and graduation.


- Your what lost his job? Revise this whole paragraph. It needs to be better written. Use one paragraph for your father and one for your mother in order to better discuss your financial situation.

Let's fix these problems with the essay first and then worry about the word count and grammar errors. These suggestions should help us get started with the review and revision of your essay.

Undergraduate / "Was it long or short, Okawa-san", a man asked his 116 year old grandmother on a video; why UChicago [6]

It is really a very simple essay that needs to delve deeper into the academic and intellectual connection that you have the potential to create at UChicago using their available academic and social resources. Try to connect your academics to specific learning and internship programs at the university. Discuss the diverse community that exists at the campus and how you feel involved in it and welcomed. Explain how you can make the student community even better via specific contributions to the social activities of the school. Finally, connect how the learning experience that you will have at the school will be sure to help you achieve your future goals and ambitions. Making it appear that you cannot get this kind of education anywhere other then UChicago. That should help you better answer the essay prompt without insulting anyone or placing yourself in a bad light :-)

Undergraduate / Teaching under Heartbreaking Circumstances [6]

Angelis, don't use so many quotes from the students. That does not help the essay along because the prompt does not require any sense of contentment and experience other than yours. This is after all, your application, not the children's. You may want to consider using their statements as your inspiration for feeling content in that makeshift classroom instead. Try not to dwell so much on the background of the students. Just stick the makeshift classroom because that is where you obviously feel content. You need to make that contentment more visible to the reader by centering the essay upon you and the classroom instead. What do you experience there and how does that help add to your contentment? Those are the only 2 questions that you need to answer in order to properly deliver your answer to the essay prompt.

Graduate / My career ambition is to become a Transparency Officer - Motivation letter for UChicago [8]

Okay. I see that it is the word count is what is holding you back. How many more days do you have to write this letter? The reason I ask is because I will be able to better help you write this letter if you don't think about the word count for now and just write all of the necessary information in your letter. Write everything that you think will help you present yourself as the worthy student that the prompt requires. Be as long and detailed as possible. I will then step in and assist you in lowering the word count to 300 or less while keeping the paper interesting and highlighting your motivation for your interest in enrolling in this masters course. Do you think you would be comfortable doing that with me? I'll help you only if you really want my help :-) I'm not forcing you to do anything here.

Undergraduate / "Was it long or short, Okawa-san", a man asked his 116 year old grandmother on a video; why UChicago [6]

I agree with Laiya, you need to be politically correct in your essays. Try not to touch on controversial topics or come across as a person with certain inhibitions that could prevent his well-rounded development and relationship with other university members. I suggest that you delete that portion in your essay and find something else to fill the space with that relates to the prompt more. That statement was really disconnected and only took attention away from your actual message and thoughts that should have been the true focus of the paper.

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]


- Don't leave the admissions officer hanging, show off your confidence in relation to your being a successful student at UPenn. End the paragraph by saying that you can do that and you hope to fully utilize the opportunities offered by the university in order to make your plans a reality


- Insert a paragraph after this that discusses your plans for potential thesis or projects that can fully utilize the offerings of UPenn. Think outside of the box. That is what universities are looking for. The more creative and imaginative your potential project proposal or discovery plans, the better for your application.

The rest of the essay works very well with the prompt. You just need to build up certain sections to make it better :-)