Essays / I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay! [28]

Fiona, one way you can conclude this essay is by sharing the way your parents , teachers, classmates, or peers have changed their opinion of you as a person. Explain how you ar enow seen as a more mature person with a much wider understanding of the world than these people originally thought you did. Explain how this club helped you mature as a person in both thoughts, logic, and actions. Try to write something up and I will try to help you polish it :-)

The reason that you did not see any changes in those paragraphs stems from my opinion that the paragraphs work in its current form. Now, if you want to change some things in it, let me know what those changes are and I will help you make the revisions successfully :-)

Undergraduate / Penn M&T Supplement Essay - Robotics, Business, and Engineering [9]

Hannah, while the instructions you found on the internet is correct. The instructions for school essay apps are written on a case to case basis. The topics and what you will be discussing within the paragraphs are dictate by the essay prompts. In this case the essay clearly points out that the admissions officer will not be concerned with your past accomplishments and academic achievements. The university is only interesting in learning how you hope their programs and subjects will help you achieve your future goals. That is why they are asking your discuss your future plans for your career in great detail. Review the following prompt that you previously posted and you will understand the reason why you have to revise you essay.


I have highlighted the portions that clearly refer to your future plans. Hence the need to revise the essay. If you can integrate a part of the past with more about the future plans, you should be on the way to properly answering the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / I have got a Cornell Supplement essay - it need to be checked [4]

Jack, you don;t understand how this forum works. This is an open and public place where you can post your individual essays in separate threads for the review and comments of the users. Forum rules do not allow us to share our email addresses with other users in order to prevent spamming and flame messages. If you do not feel comfortable posting your essays here, then we cannot help you.

However, if you trust us enough to help you through the public access method, I assure you that you will become a part of a very helpful community or people who support each other and do not stop till we have helped each other achieve the best essay that we can. You won't be sorry for trusting us. It will be an unforgettable experience that you will greatly benefit from :-) I really suggest that you give us a chance to show you how this open community service can be of great help to you :-) We look forward to reading your essay.

This is a very good supplemental essay. I am assuming that it asks you discuss something that you were not allowed to discuss or not asked to discuss in the common apps? I have just one comment though, you make it seem like computer programming is something so second nature to you that you do not have any struggles when it comes to coding and debugging. It would make your essay seem a bit more human and connected to you if you present a little bit about the struggles that you had as you worked on reaching those accomplishments of yours. It would show that you have the mindset of a programmer and that you know how to work under pressure and impossible work environments which sometimes exist for college students. I believe that your essay would greatly benefit from such an addition as right now, you seem like a superhero rather than a student who still has a lot to learn from his mentors at his future university :-) You speak about challenges and how you hope Cornell will be able to further challenge you. Mentioning some fields that you hope to be challenged in while studying will also be a plus factor for your application.

Undergraduate / Penn M&T Supplement Essay - Robotics, Business, and Engineering [9]

Hannah, what you wrote is a background essay on your history as a robotics, business, and engineering inclined individual. What the essay is asking you to do is to write about your future plans in the various fields and explain how the specific programs, subjects taught, and the Penn state experience in general, can help you achieve this goals. So what you need to do is write about those plans, while creating the logical connection between the subject and plan. From there, you can work on presenting your dreams, hopes, and ambitions which you hope to achieve through the Penn State programs. There is also an importance in mentioning any specific community or college activity that ties on with these plans.

The ending of your essay works very well in my opinion. I understood what you are saying and what you want to do even though I am not an engineering major. However, the start of the essay needs to we adjusted to better suit the prompt and thus, increase your chances of catching the eye of the admissions officer. Remember, if the first part does not answer the prompt in the correct manner, you stand a huge chance that the admissions officer will not read the rest of the essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: It is better to wait in patience than take action. [13]

Zhang, this is a much better version of the previous essay. The survey that you chose covers a wide enough expanse to allow for general coverage of the results and thus, gives more credibility to your claim. By indicating that the survey covers a world wide study, you have made the survey relevant to all readers and students. It also adds a level of understanding that tells us the kind of teaching process that now exists worldwide. This is an excellent effort at improving your first paper, I would be careful about numbering your reasons as Firstly, secondly, etc though. It tends to get redundant and only acts as a word filler. With only 30 minutes to write this essay, you should always aim to fill the page with as much information as you possibly can, that does not include word fillers. If it will not add to the image that you are familiar with the use of the English language and will only serve to fill a word count then don't use that word. You are out to prove your knowledge and efficiency with the use of the English language. Remember that.

Essays / I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay! [28]


- Add the following to this sentence; "I founded the Mandarin Orange Club in response to what happened to me in the Government class." This will give the foundation and reasons behind your funding of the club as an overview.

Fiona, let me try to write a conclusion for you based upon the information that you provided:

I know that China is one of the most misunderstood countries in the world. Americans in particular see us as some kind of monster and slave drivers, demonizing China and the actions of our government to the rest of the world. I am very proud of the way that the Mandarin Orange Club that I founded has helped change the image of China, at least amongst my peers and schoolmates. As far as I am concerned, a person can consider himself to be an adult when he learns to care about something bigger than himself. I know that my country, my parents, and my friends, will agree that by founding the club, I have proven a sense of maturity beyond my years. I understand how misconceptions can harm a country that means no harm to the rest of the world and I will continue to do my best to correct the misconception that China is a monster out to enslave the world.

Undergraduate / Being the only South Asian child in the australian neighborhood - USF UNDERGRADUATE COLLEGE ESSAY [6]

Hi Shamra, I don't think there is anything else that needs to be corrected or added to this essay. That is just my opinion though and should not be the sole basis of whether you submit this essay or not tomorrow. What you should do now is sleep on this version of the essay and then read it again in the morning. Consider all the factors that the prompt requires you to answer and then make sure that you and I have not missed anything in the process of editing the paper. Once you are satisfied that the requirements of the paper have been met, do one final proof reading for any grammatical or punctuation errors. Having completed that and finding nothing further to correct or add on your part, you can consider the essay ready for submission :-)

Graduate / I always found myself to be at the bottom, during high school. My SOP [5]

Dev, some edits for you to consider.


- I look at the core ...futureendeavors .
- Always double check your spelling. Use spellcheck whenever necessary and be mindful of the differences in American and British English spellings of the same word.



- This is a problem among many app essays. Do not tell the admissions officer about information he already knows about the university. Instead, tell them how you plan to take advantage of the reputation, abilities, and student offerings of the university.

Undergraduate / Helping a Friend with Anorexia - UC Prompt #1/Cornell CALS Supplement [10]

Overall, this is a very solid and excellent revision. There is just a portion that you need to separate as a new paragraph. I pointed that part out below.


- This should be a stand alone paragraph since it is the conclusion of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / Public speaking was never my forte. Disappointment and Failure of a school assignment. [4]

Hi Andrew, in answer to your question, yes, there are grammar corrections to be fixed in the essay and I marked those for you in my previous post. Read the comparison of the quote and my comment to find the correction placement. There may be additional grammar corrections in the next version. It all depends upon whether you plan to add or delete any information to your paper. You see, until you finalize the content and theme of your essay, we can never truly correct the grammatical errors and call the paper finalized or the final version. So apply the corrections I suggested then post if here again for analysis and further comments, if any more need to be done that is :-)

Essays / I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay! [28]

Fiona, the reason you need to delete the middle paragraph is because it does not help the essay along. You mentioned a very good point, that Government class was not teaching what you expected. Voice that out in this particular section instead. Explain how government class should be helping to shape international diplomats instead by teaching the students how the United States can better cooperate with the rest of the world, whether that country be governed as a democracy or communism. That is the reason you became angry and that is the reason why you felt slighted by your classmates.

As for the conclusion, if you can tell me what ideas you have for it, I can probably help you shape it into a real concluding paragraph. One suggestion I can make is that you write about how the past experience has shaped your future ambition and how you hope to continue promoting the objectives of the club at your next school. Just try writing your feelings down and we will whip it into something usable :-)

Undergraduate / Being the only South Asian child in the australian neighborhood - USF UNDERGRADUATE COLLEGE ESSAY [6]

Shamra, I have a suggestion. Flip the position of the below paragraphs. That way you have your introduction in chronological order instead of doing a flashback. It is important to make sure that you show your work and skills development in the correct order.

Place "By the time I reached working age" above "I currently volunteer". That is the correct placement of these paragraphs and makes the essay less confusing to read :-)

Undergraduate / UF admissions essay, my notion of 'the good life' [5]

Kylie, while the essay you presented reflects your idea and understanding of the good life, I feel that you need to further develop a certain portion of the essay in order to drive home that point. I am referring to the following passage:


It would most certainly help your essay if you could explain to the admissions officer how your attendance at this school summed up the good life for you. If it was a mosaic tile of life that you experienced there, how did it translate into a better understanding of life for you? Were there instances when you were exposed to the other side of life, the underprivileged side, that helped you come to this new understanding? If so, please tell us more about that. This is a central and integral part of your essay that must not be overlooked. I would go so far as to say that this particular paragraph would most likely be the most interesting part of your essay and render the rest of your travel stories irrelevant. Of course I would have to see the revision in order to make that a final conclusion.

I hope you will consider my suggestions and allow us to read a 2nd version of your essay for review soon :-)

Writing Feedback / Select a cultural phenomenon - do you see any danger in our society's dependence? [3]

Link, your title indicates that technology in general is a threat to our society's independence. You need to revise your title to instead indicate that technology is a social phenomenon that reduces our physical interaction with one another. That is what the evidence you presented in your essay is talking about. None of the explanations you gave relates to the danger of technology in relation to society's independence. Either use a new title for the essay or revise the content of your essay to better reflect the title you chose.

While it is good that you were able to present verifiable academic sources for this essay you never let us know what your personal opinion on the matter is and what course of action you think we should take to prevent technology from overtaking our lives. These should be a part of the 3rd or paragraph of your essay. It sets up the foundation for a more solid conclusion and summary at the end. An effective essay knows how to mix facts with personal opinions and examples to illustrate certain points. Your essay lacks those parts.

Undergraduate / I created an imaginary friend named Oliver - Undergraduate College Essay [3]

Ellen, you have one confused essay here. You need to pick only one of the topics that you have listed, and I can tell that you posted an incomplete draft in this forum because of the notes at the bottom about identity and other things. Thinking about presenting all of these qualities in a single statement paper is what is bogging the paper down. The central theme of your paper is growing up alone and the rapid maturity that came with that lonely world. Work that angle to the best of your abilities. Talk about wishing to have a sibling and being turned down. Expand upon the effects of solitary life upon you. You already established that you had a more mature way of thinking at the age of 8 than the other kids your age. Let us into that world. Explain how that exposure to adult discussions and relationships affected you emotionally and socially. Do you feel your development in those areas were stunted because of the lack of a sibling or the constant exposure to adults? Talk about it. These are the points that create a unique picture of you as an individual and these are the points that will most interest the reader. So develop it. Make it the most important part of your essay. You don't need to discuss anything else.

Writing Feedback / Relying on mobile phones may completely alienate us from the society and make us some trouble [2]

Saba, while you present good discussion points for your essay, there are parts that need to be adjusted for content because of the irrelevance or relevance of the statement to the given topic. My suggestions are below.


- We can actually combine these two paragraphs into one, thus creating a more solid and informative essay. Let me show you how it is possible to do this:

We all agree that life in general has been made easier by the dawn of the mobile phone. It has allowed us to say "hello" to our friends and relatives during any time of the day or night, from wherever we are in the world. It has also allowed businesses to function on a 24/7 basis since office communication is no longer limited to just office hours. Thanks to the multiple functions of the mobile or smart phones these days, we have been reduced to needing only 1 gadget in order to keep our lives organized around our various activities. That is the major benefit of having a mobile phone.

- However, just like any technological advancement, the mobile phone also has its drawbacks in the sense that real time, physical connections have diminished for us. The ease of staying in touch has made it less important to visit family and friends. We have lost that part of the human spirit that requires the interaction with other people in order to continue developing as a social individual. The interaction that teaches us what it means to be a good person has been reduced to a few clicks on a keypad, thus stunting our emotional and social growth. Such is the drawback of the mobile phone in terms of communication that some people cannot even talk to others anymore unless it is through text. People have developed a fear of actual communication because of the mobile phones.

Saba you wrote a very good conclusion that works with the essay. You did not miss a beat with the IBC rules of essay writing :-) The essay is also just long enough to be interesting and to fit in one page.

Undergraduate / TAKING ANOTHER STEP Dreams and inspirations are built as children observe the world surrounding them [3]

Irene, this is a highly interesting personal statement that just needs to be edited a bit. Let me help you with that :-)


- ... have beenexposed to diverse cultures. The experience I gained...

-Living in Japan taught me about living my life with a sense of accountability and dignity. As the oldest child born to Taiwanese and Japanese parents, I had the unenviable task of carefully dealing with the cultural differences of my parents at home. This meant finding the balance and harmony between their individual cultures and traditions in order to create a unique perspective for myself and my siblings, to whom I served as a role model. This became an all to important duty for me when we were informed that our family would be moving to Germany.- Irene, it is best to talk of the culture of a country on a general basis rather than individualized by field. You see, it is living in the country, not just the educational system or social system that teaches you things. It is the overall effect of life there that creates your personality that is unique to your experience there.

- It was in Germany where my siblings and I experienced the problems of attending school in a country where we did not speak the native tongue of the people. This seemed like a futile exposure to culture for us because we had a difficult time adjusting to the language and the environment. Despite this, we soldiered on because I kept telling my siblings that there was a lesson to be learned in all of this. Just as we were slowly immersing ourselves in German culture and learning how to cope with the difference, we were once again informed about another family move. This time to the United States.

- Irene, you needed to build upon that very effective transition sentence at the end of your previous paragraph so I took the liberty of revising the paragraph form for you :-)

= How did that pay off for you in the end? Did you finally become one of them? How?

Undergraduate / Being the only South Asian child in the australian neighborhood - USF UNDERGRADUATE COLLEGE ESSAY [6]

Shamra, I have some points for you to consider in order to strengthen you essay :-)

- Shamra, since you are writing an application essay, you do not need such a flowery introduction. Talk directly about the activities being asked because the admissions officer does not have time to waste wading through 2 paragraphs of introductory information. You could lose the reader by the time he starts the second paragraph. That would be highly detrimental to your application. Since you could not have possibly done any real sort of community service, one that had an impact on other people at the age of 7, you can skip that part. Just start talking about the community service that you did which impacted other people's lives.


- It is always best to keep a theme in your essay. Make sure that all of the work experience and volunteer experience that you present relate to your desired major. That way you can build the foundation of your intention to become a particular type of person in the future. Since the barista part is only an additional job, is is superfluous and unnecessary.

Undergraduate / 'Outside is cold and dry' - Common App Essay - childhood to adulthood transformation [3]

Roushoui,the problem with your essay is that it does not answer the prompt at all. We are talking about a life altering event that led you to transform from a child to an adult during a time when you were supposed to still be in the mindset and actions of a child. Topics that cover this prompt include life lesson results. So you should discuss something serious and truly life altering. Reflect on your life so far, was there any point in time when you felt like you had to grow up fast because you had no other choice? That is the kind of question you should be looking at answering while looking for a proper topic for your essay. Possible topics include the death of a loved one, a rite of passage in your community or family, baby-sitting would be a simple example of this, or having to take responsibility for your actions. My suggestions are meant to help guide you towards properly answering the prompt. Kindly consider these constructive criticisms and suggestions. I am looking forward to your revised version, if you decide to write one that is :-)

Undergraduate / Public speaking was never my forte. Disappointment and Failure of a school assignment. [4]

Andrew, you are selling yourself short. This is a well written and developed essay. Sure there are grammar errors that can be corrected, and there are portions that can be edited for content, but the overall effect of your paper is quite good. You should be congratulated on your extremely good grasp of the prompt and your thorough discussion of the lessons that you learned from the event that happened to you. Now let's see how we can clean up the essay :-)

- ... I was to defend the anti death penalty side, which went against the point of view of the class, which was pro death penalty. I was shaking in my boots until I heard my classmates telling my opponent that he was definitely going to win and that I did not stand a chance. My competitive nature took over at this point and my fiery determination killed my nervousness. This debate wasn't about the assignment anymore, it was now about beating the odds.


-The grin I struggled...

Undergraduate / My drawer; Shalwar kameez's, Pakistani dresses, rainbow of colors and designs - admission for U of M [3]

Sonia, your essay has room for additional discussion points. You should take us back to Pakistan when you could wear these clothes freely. Let us know how this community functioned. How you felt as you participated in activities that required the wearing of these clothes. Remember, you are supposed to explain the community to the admissions officer and tell him all about your place within the community. Right now, your essay does not do that because it talks instead, of the disconnect between your clothes and your lack of a community to wear the clothes in. That is not what the essay is about. So go back to the past. That is the world where your dresses belong and that is where you had a particular place in the community. Let us into that world and allow it to shine through on paper. By doing that, you will allow us to learn more about the world where you came from and how it may have influenced your current personality.

Undergraduate / Significance of fashion - FiT applicant [2]

Mark, your essay is not really answering the prompt. You should have slanted the essay towards giving the admissions officer an idea about who you are and how fashion relates to your personality and life. Why is fashion important to you? Show us the foundation of fashion in your life, either as a hobby or a future career. Did you design clothes for friends and family members without any formal training? Talk about that. It will answer the question


After that you can talk about Fashion Merchandising Management as your major.

In that particular aspect of the essay, you need to give us a concrete idea of where you see your career headed in about 5 years, Make it even shorter, say two years. This will explain why you chose this particular major and how your studies at FIT will help you achieve that goal. Relate the classes to your future goals.

Conclude by reiterating the importance of fashion in your life and how you hope to become a trailblazer in the fashion world after completing your studies.

Undergraduate / "Eat Veggies, Not Friends" - Vegan Roommate - Stanford Essay (Supplement) [4]

Lucy, try to talk about more than just your veganism. Surely there are other more interesting things about you that you would want to share with your future roommate. Talk about how you like to have fun, what topics you like discussing, your hobbies, and any eccentric behavior you might have. The information you provide in those areas will help the university line you up with a compatible roommate for the semester. While your veganism is something your room mate should know about, you should tell her more about your personality, your likes and dislikes, and any medical conditions you might have, just to make sure you room mate does not get surprised by any medical needs on your part. Remember, you need to open yourself up to your roommate in order to have a harmonious semester of living with her. So this letter is something that you should take seriously and make sure that it includes all the most important information about you as a person. After all, you want to make sure that your roommate will be your friend for life, not sometimes friend, more often a foe, during the duration of the semester :-)

Undergraduate / "Remains of War: Capitalists. Communists. War." - Common App Essay [3]

Eileen, have you given any thought to writing a stronger introductory statement? Since you grew up dealing with the aftermath of the Vietnam war, that should be the focal point of your essay and thus, be included in the introduction. Also, you need to mention the Vietnam war at the start because placing it at the bottom of the essay makes the reader wonder which of the American involved wars you are talking about. Each American war involves the migration of the people from the war torn country to the United States so you need to make your country of origin clear so that the read will have an idea of what you had to go through and survive in order to reach this point in your life. You also speak of voicing out your ideas. So why not write a paragraph that talks about the kind of maturity that you developed at the age of 11 after you were torn from Vietnam? What lessons did you learn from that experience that helped create the person you are today? Go deeper than just your grandparents experience, talk about you and your experience, your lessons, and your outlook in life because of what you went through.

Essays / I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay! [28]

Fiona, if I could pat you on the back, I would! This is a wonderful revision. I agree that it needs work but the point right now is that you were able to direct the essay in such a manner that you were able to give a solid background regarding your reasons for establishing the Orange Mandarin Club. Excellent work. Now let me help you clean it up.

- I still remember how the Government class I took in the United States left me hurting. The class discussion was all about gun control and how it was becoming extremely difficult for the government to control it. When I was was asked for my opinion, I gave my honest answer, "Be more communist". That was the world I knew and as far as I was concerned, the Chinese government policies prevented the need for gun control measures. The class roared with laughter. Teasing me because they saw Communism as a bad thing. I found myself asking "How can foreigners truly know what our government in China is like?" I was hurt and I felt the need to do something to correct this American misconception about China.

- We can skip this and go directly to the founding of the club for more effect.

- ... I was now no longer irritated by the American misconceptions. Instead, I took pride in what I was doing for my motherland. Seeing the eyes of my American classmates glitter with interest and trust in what I and my friends were sharing with them, I knew that the misunderstanding between us would finally be cleared up. Hopefully, the day would come when we could finally say that the misunderstanding never existed.

I hope this works for you :-)

Undergraduate / 'not wasting lot of time attending classes' - I support of building a new high school near our home [4]

Vns, yes, you can write a 3 paragraph essay. That is the minimum paragraph count for any standard essay. Your minimum sentence count per paragraph is 3 sentences. Now some professors sometimes change the minimum sentence count per paragraph to 5. That count is really up to you. Just make sure you don't go below 3 lines per paragraph. In a TOEFL essay, 30 minutes will allow you write 3 paragraphs because you need to outline, draft, then revise, and finalize the essay. As a non-native speaker, 3 paragraphs should be more than sufficient to prove your English writing skills. However, if you are familiar with the topic and you feel you can write more paragraphs, then go for it. The more you can prove your understanding and knowledge of the given topic, the better off your TOEFL score will be :-)

Undergraduate / Vast amounts traditions, extracurricular activities, and research opportunities; reasons for apply [2]

Tyler, you seem too focused on the extra curricular activities of Madison. There is no balance between your extra curricular and academic interests. My advice, would be to strengthen a certain part of your essay as i point out below.

- You need to be very specific in this portion of your statement. Don't tell them about being ranked 18th in the country. They already know how fantastic their university is. Instead, talk about your future major and what programs or internships they offer that you will be taking full advantage of. Place the same kind of enthusiasm that you have for their extra curricular activities into the discussion of your academic concentration.

Undergraduate / 'inspiring chat with a Syracuse Admissions Officer' - What influenced you to apply? [4]

Kerry, there is just one more point that I feel you need to build upon with a few more sentences. See my suggestion below.


- Since you say that it Syracuse is a town rich with cultural history, you should somehow find a way to connect it to your Broadcast Journalist major. Offer an insight as to how the history of the town can help you further your career by allowing you practice broadcast events, or perhaps how you plan to write a thesis about a pivotal event in the history of the town. Something that will show the admissions officer that you have plans of getting to know the town on more than just a superficial basis. This will also show how the town experience will help advance your studies and career.

Undergraduate / I have become best friends with a stationary saw - I feel great working on my tiny house. [4]

Lucy, while the title that you chose for your essay is interesting, it is not correct when you consider the the essay prompt. Your title describes a piece of construction equipment while the prompt is asking about a place or environment. I will grant you the content of the essay since it pertains to both an environment and place which in this case, is the small house that you are building. I would suggest though, that you limit the description of the house and talking about poring over Youtube videos because that is not really part of the answer to the prompt. Instead, I believe that you would do better to give a more in-depth description of how you feel while you are working on the house.

We need to know why finishing this project is important to you. Most specially since women are not really known for being interested in brick and mortar construction, which is what you are doing. You already explained a little about its important to you in the following passage


, you just need to build upon that sentiment.

By the way, you are supposed to pick only one place to discuss in the essay so this passage in particular, ,


has to be deleted. It is either you talk about the house you are building of the barn of your dad where you are working. Currently, this is an under developed paragraph which has no place in the end of your essay. What you need to do is talk about the importance of the house you are building and why you feel perfectly content working on it. That is the place where you feel perfectly content and it is also the place most meaningful to you.

Undergraduate / Tea with Pancakes - Story that changed my life [13]

Alina, more notes for you to consider :-)


- On the second day... I becamethe coordinator...


- ... topicdrawn was...
- Drown is to asphyxiate in water. Drawn is to pull out something.


-... suggestedI go .


- ... wehad done ...


- Then I realized that I had not reviewed the topic during our research and practice runs, so I suggested that we send the person whom I thought would be able to win us the competition.


- ... melosing the game...


- Those words never rang true for my until that day.

Undergraduate / In Israel I found a type of spirituality and gratefulness that has remained with me to this day [5]

Liora, while the story that you told is quite engaging and informative, there was nothing in the story that your related or information that you provided which could be considered as an answer to the prompt. The prompt asks you to relate an event that marked a transition from child to adult. I am now beginning to think that perhaps you should have told the story of your Kabutz instead. That is if you actually took one because that is a traditional rite of passage that signifies the transition from child to adult among Jews right?

What the admissions officer is looking for here is not a spiritual awakening or a connection to your people's past, present, and future. He is looking for that moment in your life when you felt that something that told you "Look at me, I'm an adult!" In some of the essays that I have read, these stories usually relate to more responsibility from the parents, taking responsibility for their actions, proving that he is capable of doing something that only adults thought they could do,falling their first animal during a hunt, or, like I said before, a rite of passage in the community or within the family.

If you have a story in your past that falls along those lines, remember, those are only examples and suggestions, meant to serve as your guide in choosing a topic, nothing more, then please revise the essay to reflect that story. Right now, this essay is more applicable to an essay connected to a "your story will be incomplete without it " or "Tell us something about you that will tell us something unique about you" kind of prompt.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: constructing public transportation systems in cities is good? [9]

lephuc, I apologize for being so cross with you. I know that you can do better and I have read a better essay from you so I was really frustrated to have read this paper that you seem to have completed halfheartedly. See more of my suggestions for editing the essay below.



- Going directly to your example makes more of an impact upon the reader.


- bus fees cost as much as gas if one uses a private motorbike. The longer the distance, the more savings one will have once he takes the bus instead of private vehicles.



These edits ought to polish the essay :-)

Undergraduate / "Guys, strive for the best!" - The experience of Volleyball Team; Rice supplement [8]

Nicole, the problem with the statement is that it does not have a conclusion, I was able to whittle down the word count for you but I found that it did not have an ending because your experience does not tell us if the team won or lost the game. That information is needed to complete the prompt answer. This is what I have come up with so far:

I learned all about the difference between passion and perseverance while I was a member of my high school volleyball team. I had progressed through the ranks from a bench warmer, all the way to chief spiker. So I was quite excited when my team made it to championship during my senior year. I had long looked forward to facing the ultimate Shenzhen champion and proving that with passion and perseverance, any team can take on the unbeatable team. A voice echoed in my heart, "We are infinite."

It hangs at this point because I don't know how to end it. It is 88 words so you have room to play with the conclusion. It's all yours :-)

Undergraduate / I hate keeping a diary. I record what I actually go through, rather than empty talk. [3]

Dominic, this is a very interesting quirk. You did well choosing to discuss it as part of your supplemental essay. It shows the kind of serious thinking and observant attitude that you have which will come in handy as you attend to your college responsibilities and tasks. That said, I feel that I can help you further improve this essay. Let me get started below :-).


- I knew that my classmates and I had the same schedule. So I was puzzled as to how they could always find an old lady to help across the street, or pick up money that they could hand over to the police, everyday for as long as we had to write in the diary. I was not like them. I never did write about my thoughts, neither did I have the same admirable experiences that they did with strangers. They got high praise from their teacher I got the worst grade possible. Somehow she could not accept that my diary was filled with street advertisement catch phrases or the drawing of a leaf. These meant nothing to my teacher, but those meant a lot to me.


- She could not understand that by taking notes about the things happening around me, I learned about a new life truth everyday. I recorded what I went through everyday, rather than making up stories or filling the pages with empty talk. Don't get me wrong, I still keep a diary sometimes, but not in the way other people do. I use it to log my understanding of life and human beings. I record things because I want to write them. Just like I study for knowledge instead of high grades. I guess that is why I consider myself to be a person who lives life instead of living for money or fame.

Feel free to use my suggestions as the basis of your revisions if you think it works for you :-)

Writing Feedback / Firstly, on a safety level, traveling with a guide is most important [4]

Odon, you were able to write a very well developed and reasoned essay within 30 minutes. While your English usage is not at a native speaker level, you were able to use the correct English words to get your point across. The essay is informative and shows that you were able to consider important aspects of the prompt in developing your answer. This is an essay that will be sure to score quite highly in the TOEFL. If I were the examiner, I would give this a 10, only because of the grammatical errors, which I feel can be overlooked in this case due to the excellent reasons you presented in defense of your stand and opinion.

If I were to pick out one portion of the essay that you need to improve upon, I would have to say that you need to work on developing your introduction paragraph. In this particular essay, you just needed to improve upon this portion:


- Nowadays , people have become...

Graduate / I always found myself to be at the bottom, during high school. My SOP [5]

DS, please allow me to make some suggestions that will help you clean up the look and content of your statement of purpose. You will find my suggestions below.


- I always found myself at the bottom of the social chain when I was in high school.


- ... hooked on the subject and surprised people when I became one of the few students who could program...

- DS, you have spent way too much time discussing your accomplishments as a student. While you did develop an interesting program, that is not the focal point of a statement of purpose. Instead, you should be talking about your future plans and how your masters studies fit into that quest. Talk about your future program development and and how the university can help you accomplish your future goals. That is the kind of information that makes an effective statement of purpose. Just skim over your educational attainments and projects, an in-depth discussion is not necessary because those are past achievements. You should be looking towards and discussing your future plans instead.

Undergraduate / Considering your lifetime goals...Apply Texas Essay C [2]

Samantha, the first thing that I noticed about your essay is that your sentences are too long. You can't keep using commas to separate your sentences. You need to learn to use periods in order to separate your sentences. This will allow the admissions officer to absorb the information you are providing individually. Right now, it is quite difficult to read the essay because you only have pauses instead of endings for your sentences. You should also remember that grammar rules dictate that you cannot start sentences with "And" or "Because", this is one of the early errors of your paper that I will be pointing out below.


- So I did...


- Before you introduce this paragraph, you need to use a transition sentence to help prepare the reader for the change. You need to present the development of your academic interests and show the development of your participation in decathlons. You can't just hit us with the information. You need to ease the reader into it.


- Rephrase this. You do not know the background of the person reading your paper, so make sure you do not accidentally offend your reader. Being politically correct in written form is of the utmost importance because you never know how your statement will be taken or understood by the reader.

The essay is really informative and answers the prompt. The problem with it is that it provides too much information that needs to be processed by a very busy admissions officer. That is why I am suggesting that you only choose the most important extra curricular activities that you feel will create the best impression of you with the officer. This will make the essay more interesting to read and will provide the best information in the quickest possible way.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: working alone appears to be better. It helps us to be more responsible. [9]

lephuc, you need to concentrate on the revision of your essay. Do not just concentrate on the portions we advise you to change. Concentrate on the overall effect of the revisions to your paper. Make sure that the suggestions we made helped the paper improve and flow more smoothly. Most of all, double check any new errors that may have arisen as you revised the paper. I caught more than one new error that stemmed from the revision you did to the paper but failed to catch. Let me point those out to you right now.


- ... arranging meetings and explaining ideas which can cause a lot of arguments and disagreements which take time away from completing the task.


- This divides the team and makes people work on their own, without regard for the team output.

[quote=lephuc]On a social pointview, working alone helps people with responsibility. [ /quote]
- From a social point of view, working alone helps people learn about responsibility.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: constructing public transportation systems in cities is good? [9]

lephuc, your revision is a mess! You most certainly do not know how to properly revise an essay. When we make suggestions for revisions, you are supposed to incorporate it into the actual essay and then submit the newly written essay to this thread for our further review. Please note that you have to upload the complete essay for review and not the bits and pieces that you have here, which is even mixed in with the comments and suggestions that we gave you. We don't need to know what we told you about, we can refer to our response thread to you or, as in my case, I always remember the suggestions and comments I made in the essay. You need to fix this before we can properly review your essay again. Once you have properly revised your essay, post it here for our review.

The reason that we need to read the whole essay again, with the revisions we recommended is because we need to see if there are any flaws that need to be corrected due to the revision. We will need to help you correct any errors that stem from our suggestions. So just giving us the bits and pieces that you revised will not help in polishing your essay. I hope you understand what I am trying to explain. I look forward to reading your fully revised essay soon :-)

Undergraduate / Vacation should be memorable and meaningful, hence it need to be longer rather than short one. [4]

Vns, yes you can. It is part of the advanced English language usage rules. Beginners follow a specific set of writing and speaking rules, intermediate have another set, and those of advanced or almost native speaker level, have the most freedom to get creative with their use of the English language. You will find that as your advance in your grasp and knowledge of the English language that the rules will begin to relax for you in the written and spoken sense. However, that kind of leeway only comes with years of extensive practice because you have to be able to identify when you can be creative in the use of the English language and when you should not. If you continue to practice your essay writing, you will find that the opportunity to use certain relaxed grammatical rules will eventually present itself. Knowing when and how to use it though, is something else. The way I used the term "Imagine if you will" is something that is acceptable in creative English writing. I found it applicable to the situation you described so I thought of suggesting its use.