Speeches / SPEECH CONTEST "Seeing is not believing" [2]

Ye, this is a very interesting topic that you can write about. For your speech, I suggest that you do research on Youtube and look up photoshopped pictures that have been used to propagate false stories as a reality. Use those as examples of how we now live in a world where we cannot believe everything that we see unless we can touch and feel it because technology has helped us create a world where seeing does not necessarily equate into believing what we see. Explain the difference that technology has made in the way that people view videos and pictures that they come across in daily life and how people have become more cynical about the world in general because they now look upon everything with a tinge of being questionable. They now require more than just picture or video evidence of anything before they believe it is real.

Undergraduate / MIT - Cooking is an experiment I don't have to write a lab report for - I do it for pleasure [2]

Ashley, here is my take on your statement with a reduced word count:

Cooking the only type of science experiment where I eat the result (usually, depending on how much I burn it). The mechanical processes of chopping, measuring the marinate, and mixing the ingredients with flavors and spices can be a zen like experience. Anger can be taken out by kneading bread dough, sadness remedied with a nice bowl of soup. Every mistake is educational; raw onions and hard-boiled eggs don't go together, be careful with converting recipe sizes or else you'll end up with 4 gallons of milk and 2 servings of mashed potatoes in one pot.

I hope this version works for you :-)

Scholarship / Skillset in a million over a perfect student [5]

Victor, an effective scholarship essay cannot be found in one that creatively uses words, but ends up telling an empty story. Sadly, that is the kind of essay that you produced. Remember, you are going to be up against thousands of other applicants who have actual accomplishments and achievements to mention in their own essays. That is why you need to present credentials along the lines of academic or extra curricular achievements, or both is possible. These are the sorts of talents and skills that scholarships are looking for. If you won any awards in school, mention it. Any extra curricular achievements? Relate it to the story of your academic thrust. Make sure to relate the mission objectives of the scholarship with your own. Let them know that you are more than willing to become the physical representation of their scholarship program by promoting their cause once you are assigned a scholarship. Let them know about your future plans and how their scholarship will be most important in achieving your dreams and ambitions. Don't forget to mention about how you plan to give back to the community that the scholarship helps in some way. Those are some topics and discussion suggestions I can give you which can help make your essay more interesting and align it with the prompt in a major way.

Undergraduate / The Ranch - the land is in full bloom with dahlias and tulips leave colorful spots in the green [3]

Mrinal, is the prompt for this essay something about a place where you feel most comfortable/ content and why? If so, I have to tell you that you did an excellent job of describing the place and outlining the reasons why you feel most content there. However, I feel that the essay would be better improved if you placed the paragraph that opens with "In the spring of...' in place of your current first paragraph. It will flow better that way. The description of the place will have more impact after we learn how your family helped to cultivate the land area

The overall essay will actually benefit from a simple repositioning of the paragraphs in order to create more impact. Let me number the order of the essay for you as I see it in its most effective form:

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


This order of presentation will make the essay more interesting to read. At least that is my opinion :-) I hope you can use my suggestions.

Undergraduate / Komunitas Jendela - Explanation of Gap Year (COMMONAPP) [3]

Alief, while you wrote a good essay that looks to the past, present, and future, the essay is actually asking you to discuss the reasons why you decided to take a gap year. I believe that instead of discussing all of these things, you should instead focus on what you learned during the gap year. Tell us how you developed as a person and how the gap year helped you gain a level of maturity that you feel will help you achieve more academically now that you have a year to "ripen" your thoughts and interest in life. By doing this, you will have provided the solid reasons for your gap year. The person reading your essay is not interested in how you paid for your gap year, instead, he is more interested to learn about how the gap year helped you. If you had questions about life that you needed to find answers to, let us know if you did. Your gap year needs to have become an experience that resulted in a better you. While you told us about your many activities and achievements during this gap year, you never told us how it actually changed you as a person, as a student. Point out the difference between the you before the gap year then after and you will have written a very interesting paper showing the reasons that the gap year was a successful undertaking for you.

Writing Feedback / "My friend, Angel" An essay about how I thought of her from day one until now [5]

Catherine, this is a well written essay. I am wondering what the instructions were for the prompt though. It is really hard to tell how well you wrote the essay without knowing what the requirements are. I have a question though, did you actually make friends with this girl? If she served as your inspiration in life, it would be nice to learn how that transpired. You don't really discuss much about how your relationship with her worked in that regard. She seems to be very important to you since you chose to make her the focus of your essay. Therefore you need to bring the reader into the development of this relationship and how you both developed from your friendship or if she only inspired you from a distance. Otherwise, there is a huge gap in the essay and a lingering question left behind as the essay ends. Can you wrap up that part so that we can see how it will help the essay further develop? Don't worry, we will help you fix up and polish the essay :-)

Undergraduate / College of Arts and Sciences, School of Nursing, The Wharton School, Penn Engineering; school choice [12]


- Why are you wasting your time talking about the importance of a college education and choosing the right school when the prompt asks you to discuss what academic courses and programs at the university interest you? You only have a limited number of words to express those reasons so don't waste it by beating around the bush. Your opening statement should open with one of the programs that you are keen on enrolling in or participating in as a student at the school. That is what will grab the attention of the admissions officer. What you wrote will actually get your essay ignored. So change the introduction and use an effective hook to keep the reader interested in what you have to say.


- This is a generalized cop out paragraph. you should delete this because it does not state anything that answers the prompt. It becomes very obvious to the reader that you do not know anything about the university, its course offerings, and programs because you cannot discuss how these can help you achieve your future academic and career goals. Remember, you need to answer the prompt properly. Right now, I do not see any indication of you even getting close to providing the prompt requirements. Research the university offerings and write the essay based upon the connection of their course offerings to your plans as a student.

I can't even continue reading your essay at this point because a quick scan of the content already tells me that this is not worth reading. The essay prompt has not been satisfied and if I were the admissions officer, this will definitely end up in the rejection pile.

Writing Feedback / I love science because I'm curious. Engineering Essay Template. [8]

Atom, you need to revise the essay. When we talk of engineering, it speaks of building things from scratch. Things like creating a secondary power source from a battery as a child, or creating a transport system using chains and wheels, or those kinds of talk are what normally comprises an Engineering inspired essay. It is all about finding the beauty, mystery, and uses in the things that we take for granted in daily life. An engineering mind will take a look at a computer program and wonder, what else can I do to improve the program? Is this the best that this program can do? Then he will work on dissecting and improving the program. A mechanical engineer will take a look at the way a car works and asks himself,I wonder if I can make the car run on a steam engine to save on gasoline? Then he will develop that engine and make it work. That is the kind of reason and thinking that drives an engineering student.

At the moment, your essay is not really focused on engineering. It is focused on 3 different topics, none of which actually tells us how you developed your love for engineering. So try to chang e the content to reflect the development of your love for engineering instead to make the general prompt work.

Graduate / 'I felt uncomfortable for breathing too much waste gas of cars' application--Mechnical Engineering [4]

Yihzen, am I right in assuming that this is supposed to be statement of purpose essay for a masters degree in Mechanical Engineering? If it is, can you kindly provide us with the actual SOP prompt for this essay so that we can better analyze your essay for content and prompt adherence? I will really help us in reviewing your essay and help us to properly advise and guide you in the revision of your essay. At the moment, I can offer an overview of your essay work.

Right now, your essay suffers from a lack of thought process. You need to outline your topics for discussion and talk about them in chronological paragraphs. Right now, your essay is jumping from flashback to flashforward and it leaves the reader feeling confused and unable to follow what the exact purpose of your masters study will be. By jumping around, you don't really give us an opportunity to understand who you are and where you are headed. Remember, the SOP should explain your future plans and goals, it should not be jumping around from your past experiences, advice from other people, and then jumping to the present with your work experience, then to the future with your plans.

A masters degree is all about career progression. You should know where you career is headed and how it will get there. Those are the plans that should be presented in a statement of purpose essay. The past is in the past and has nothing to do with your future. Your present however, dictates where you are headed in the future so you should make the connection between the present and the future in your essay instead.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: It is better to wait in patience than take action. [13]

Zhang, you understood what I meant precisely. In the TOEFL, you are under a time constraint of 30 minutes. So you need to keep talking about your points instead of trying to use words to fill in the space. Using word fillers means that you are either trying to buy yourself time or you do not really understand the essay. You can only write about 3 paragraphs in 30 minutes since you need to think of what you have to say, edit, then revise. So there is no need to number your reasons. You won't have the time to write more than 2 or 3 reasons :-) So just always be direct to the point. That way you will show that you truly understand the prompt and have plenty of important things to say about it. Word fillers make it seem like you are trying to think while writing, which is not a good image to portray on paper. You want the examiner to feel your confidence on your grasp of the English knowledge and the best way to do that is to simply talk to the reader.

Essays / I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay! [28]

Fiona, one way you can conclude this essay is by sharing the way your parents , teachers, classmates, or peers have changed their opinion of you as a person. Explain how you ar enow seen as a more mature person with a much wider understanding of the world than these people originally thought you did. Explain how this club helped you mature as a person in both thoughts, logic, and actions. Try to write something up and I will try to help you polish it :-)

The reason that you did not see any changes in those paragraphs stems from my opinion that the paragraphs work in its current form. Now, if you want to change some things in it, let me know what those changes are and I will help you make the revisions successfully :-)

Undergraduate / Penn M&T Supplement Essay - Robotics, Business, and Engineering [9]

Hannah, while the instructions you found on the internet is correct. The instructions for school essay apps are written on a case to case basis. The topics and what you will be discussing within the paragraphs are dictate by the essay prompts. In this case the essay clearly points out that the admissions officer will not be concerned with your past accomplishments and academic achievements. The university is only interesting in learning how you hope their programs and subjects will help you achieve your future goals. That is why they are asking your discuss your future plans for your career in great detail. Review the following prompt that you previously posted and you will understand the reason why you have to revise you essay.


I have highlighted the portions that clearly refer to your future plans. Hence the need to revise the essay. If you can integrate a part of the past with more about the future plans, you should be on the way to properly answering the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / I have got a Cornell Supplement essay - it need to be checked [4]

Jack, you don;t understand how this forum works. This is an open and public place where you can post your individual essays in separate threads for the review and comments of the users. Forum rules do not allow us to share our email addresses with other users in order to prevent spamming and flame messages. If you do not feel comfortable posting your essays here, then we cannot help you.

However, if you trust us enough to help you through the public access method, I assure you that you will become a part of a very helpful community or people who support each other and do not stop till we have helped each other achieve the best essay that we can. You won't be sorry for trusting us. It will be an unforgettable experience that you will greatly benefit from :-) I really suggest that you give us a chance to show you how this open community service can be of great help to you :-) We look forward to reading your essay.

This is a very good supplemental essay. I am assuming that it asks you discuss something that you were not allowed to discuss or not asked to discuss in the common apps? I have just one comment though, you make it seem like computer programming is something so second nature to you that you do not have any struggles when it comes to coding and debugging. It would make your essay seem a bit more human and connected to you if you present a little bit about the struggles that you had as you worked on reaching those accomplishments of yours. It would show that you have the mindset of a programmer and that you know how to work under pressure and impossible work environments which sometimes exist for college students. I believe that your essay would greatly benefit from such an addition as right now, you seem like a superhero rather than a student who still has a lot to learn from his mentors at his future university :-) You speak about challenges and how you hope Cornell will be able to further challenge you. Mentioning some fields that you hope to be challenged in while studying will also be a plus factor for your application.

Undergraduate / Penn M&T Supplement Essay - Robotics, Business, and Engineering [9]

Hannah, what you wrote is a background essay on your history as a robotics, business, and engineering inclined individual. What the essay is asking you to do is to write about your future plans in the various fields and explain how the specific programs, subjects taught, and the Penn state experience in general, can help you achieve this goals. So what you need to do is write about those plans, while creating the logical connection between the subject and plan. From there, you can work on presenting your dreams, hopes, and ambitions which you hope to achieve through the Penn State programs. There is also an importance in mentioning any specific community or college activity that ties on with these plans.

The ending of your essay works very well in my opinion. I understood what you are saying and what you want to do even though I am not an engineering major. However, the start of the essay needs to we adjusted to better suit the prompt and thus, increase your chances of catching the eye of the admissions officer. Remember, if the first part does not answer the prompt in the correct manner, you stand a huge chance that the admissions officer will not read the rest of the essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: It is better to wait in patience than take action. [13]

Zhang, this is a much better version of the previous essay. The survey that you chose covers a wide enough expanse to allow for general coverage of the results and thus, gives more credibility to your claim. By indicating that the survey covers a world wide study, you have made the survey relevant to all readers and students. It also adds a level of understanding that tells us the kind of teaching process that now exists worldwide. This is an excellent effort at improving your first paper, I would be careful about numbering your reasons as Firstly, secondly, etc though. It tends to get redundant and only acts as a word filler. With only 30 minutes to write this essay, you should always aim to fill the page with as much information as you possibly can, that does not include word fillers. If it will not add to the image that you are familiar with the use of the English language and will only serve to fill a word count then don't use that word. You are out to prove your knowledge and efficiency with the use of the English language. Remember that.

Essays / I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay! [28]


- Add the following to this sentence; "I founded the Mandarin Orange Club in response to what happened to me in the Government class." This will give the foundation and reasons behind your funding of the club as an overview.

Fiona, let me try to write a conclusion for you based upon the information that you provided:

I know that China is one of the most misunderstood countries in the world. Americans in particular see us as some kind of monster and slave drivers, demonizing China and the actions of our government to the rest of the world. I am very proud of the way that the Mandarin Orange Club that I founded has helped change the image of China, at least amongst my peers and schoolmates. As far as I am concerned, a person can consider himself to be an adult when he learns to care about something bigger than himself. I know that my country, my parents, and my friends, will agree that by founding the club, I have proven a sense of maturity beyond my years. I understand how misconceptions can harm a country that means no harm to the rest of the world and I will continue to do my best to correct the misconception that China is a monster out to enslave the world.

Undergraduate / Being the only South Asian child in the australian neighborhood - USF UNDERGRADUATE COLLEGE ESSAY [6]

Hi Shamra, I don't think there is anything else that needs to be corrected or added to this essay. That is just my opinion though and should not be the sole basis of whether you submit this essay or not tomorrow. What you should do now is sleep on this version of the essay and then read it again in the morning. Consider all the factors that the prompt requires you to answer and then make sure that you and I have not missed anything in the process of editing the paper. Once you are satisfied that the requirements of the paper have been met, do one final proof reading for any grammatical or punctuation errors. Having completed that and finding nothing further to correct or add on your part, you can consider the essay ready for submission :-)

Graduate / I always found myself to be at the bottom, during high school. My SOP [5]

Dev, some edits for you to consider.


- I look at the core ...futureendeavors .
- Always double check your spelling. Use spellcheck whenever necessary and be mindful of the differences in American and British English spellings of the same word.



- This is a problem among many app essays. Do not tell the admissions officer about information he already knows about the university. Instead, tell them how you plan to take advantage of the reputation, abilities, and student offerings of the university.

Undergraduate / Helping a Friend with Anorexia - UC Prompt #1/Cornell CALS Supplement [10]

Overall, this is a very solid and excellent revision. There is just a portion that you need to separate as a new paragraph. I pointed that part out below.


- This should be a stand alone paragraph since it is the conclusion of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / Public speaking was never my forte. Disappointment and Failure of a school assignment. [4]

Hi Andrew, in answer to your question, yes, there are grammar corrections to be fixed in the essay and I marked those for you in my previous post. Read the comparison of the quote and my comment to find the correction placement. There may be additional grammar corrections in the next version. It all depends upon whether you plan to add or delete any information to your paper. You see, until you finalize the content and theme of your essay, we can never truly correct the grammatical errors and call the paper finalized or the final version. So apply the corrections I suggested then post if here again for analysis and further comments, if any more need to be done that is :-)

Essays / I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay! [28]

Fiona, the reason you need to delete the middle paragraph is because it does not help the essay along. You mentioned a very good point, that Government class was not teaching what you expected. Voice that out in this particular section instead. Explain how government class should be helping to shape international diplomats instead by teaching the students how the United States can better cooperate with the rest of the world, whether that country be governed as a democracy or communism. That is the reason you became angry and that is the reason why you felt slighted by your classmates.

As for the conclusion, if you can tell me what ideas you have for it, I can probably help you shape it into a real concluding paragraph. One suggestion I can make is that you write about how the past experience has shaped your future ambition and how you hope to continue promoting the objectives of the club at your next school. Just try writing your feelings down and we will whip it into something usable :-)

Undergraduate / Being the only South Asian child in the australian neighborhood - USF UNDERGRADUATE COLLEGE ESSAY [6]

Shamra, I have a suggestion. Flip the position of the below paragraphs. That way you have your introduction in chronological order instead of doing a flashback. It is important to make sure that you show your work and skills development in the correct order.

Place "By the time I reached working age" above "I currently volunteer". That is the correct placement of these paragraphs and makes the essay less confusing to read :-)

Undergraduate / UF admissions essay, my notion of 'the good life' [5]

Kylie, while the essay you presented reflects your idea and understanding of the good life, I feel that you need to further develop a certain portion of the essay in order to drive home that point. I am referring to the following passage:


It would most certainly help your essay if you could explain to the admissions officer how your attendance at this school summed up the good life for you. If it was a mosaic tile of life that you experienced there, how did it translate into a better understanding of life for you? Were there instances when you were exposed to the other side of life, the underprivileged side, that helped you come to this new understanding? If so, please tell us more about that. This is a central and integral part of your essay that must not be overlooked. I would go so far as to say that this particular paragraph would most likely be the most interesting part of your essay and render the rest of your travel stories irrelevant. Of course I would have to see the revision in order to make that a final conclusion.

I hope you will consider my suggestions and allow us to read a 2nd version of your essay for review soon :-)

Writing Feedback / Select a cultural phenomenon - do you see any danger in our society's dependence? [3]

Link, your title indicates that technology in general is a threat to our society's independence. You need to revise your title to instead indicate that technology is a social phenomenon that reduces our physical interaction with one another. That is what the evidence you presented in your essay is talking about. None of the explanations you gave relates to the danger of technology in relation to society's independence. Either use a new title for the essay or revise the content of your essay to better reflect the title you chose.

While it is good that you were able to present verifiable academic sources for this essay you never let us know what your personal opinion on the matter is and what course of action you think we should take to prevent technology from overtaking our lives. These should be a part of the 3rd or paragraph of your essay. It sets up the foundation for a more solid conclusion and summary at the end. An effective essay knows how to mix facts with personal opinions and examples to illustrate certain points. Your essay lacks those parts.

Undergraduate / I created an imaginary friend named Oliver - Undergraduate College Essay [3]

Ellen, you have one confused essay here. You need to pick only one of the topics that you have listed, and I can tell that you posted an incomplete draft in this forum because of the notes at the bottom about identity and other things. Thinking about presenting all of these qualities in a single statement paper is what is bogging the paper down. The central theme of your paper is growing up alone and the rapid maturity that came with that lonely world. Work that angle to the best of your abilities. Talk about wishing to have a sibling and being turned down. Expand upon the effects of solitary life upon you. You already established that you had a more mature way of thinking at the age of 8 than the other kids your age. Let us into that world. Explain how that exposure to adult discussions and relationships affected you emotionally and socially. Do you feel your development in those areas were stunted because of the lack of a sibling or the constant exposure to adults? Talk about it. These are the points that create a unique picture of you as an individual and these are the points that will most interest the reader. So develop it. Make it the most important part of your essay. You don't need to discuss anything else.

Writing Feedback / Relying on mobile phones may completely alienate us from the society and make us some trouble [2]

Saba, while you present good discussion points for your essay, there are parts that need to be adjusted for content because of the irrelevance or relevance of the statement to the given topic. My suggestions are below.


- We can actually combine these two paragraphs into one, thus creating a more solid and informative essay. Let me show you how it is possible to do this:

We all agree that life in general has been made easier by the dawn of the mobile phone. It has allowed us to say "hello" to our friends and relatives during any time of the day or night, from wherever we are in the world. It has also allowed businesses to function on a 24/7 basis since office communication is no longer limited to just office hours. Thanks to the multiple functions of the mobile or smart phones these days, we have been reduced to needing only 1 gadget in order to keep our lives organized around our various activities. That is the major benefit of having a mobile phone.

- However, just like any technological advancement, the mobile phone also has its drawbacks in the sense that real time, physical connections have diminished for us. The ease of staying in touch has made it less important to visit family and friends. We have lost that part of the human spirit that requires the interaction with other people in order to continue developing as a social individual. The interaction that teaches us what it means to be a good person has been reduced to a few clicks on a keypad, thus stunting our emotional and social growth. Such is the drawback of the mobile phone in terms of communication that some people cannot even talk to others anymore unless it is through text. People have developed a fear of actual communication because of the mobile phones.

Saba you wrote a very good conclusion that works with the essay. You did not miss a beat with the IBC rules of essay writing :-) The essay is also just long enough to be interesting and to fit in one page.

Undergraduate / TAKING ANOTHER STEP Dreams and inspirations are built as children observe the world surrounding them [3]

Irene, this is a highly interesting personal statement that just needs to be edited a bit. Let me help you with that :-)


- ... have beenexposed to diverse cultures. The experience I gained...

-Living in Japan taught me about living my life with a sense of accountability and dignity. As the oldest child born to Taiwanese and Japanese parents, I had the unenviable task of carefully dealing with the cultural differences of my parents at home. This meant finding the balance and harmony between their individual cultures and traditions in order to create a unique perspective for myself and my siblings, to whom I served as a role model. This became an all to important duty for me when we were informed that our family would be moving to Germany.- Irene, it is best to talk of the culture of a country on a general basis rather than individualized by field. You see, it is living in the country, not just the educational system or social system that teaches you things. It is the overall effect of life there that creates your personality that is unique to your experience there.

- It was in Germany where my siblings and I experienced the problems of attending school in a country where we did not speak the native tongue of the people. This seemed like a futile exposure to culture for us because we had a difficult time adjusting to the language and the environment. Despite this, we soldiered on because I kept telling my siblings that there was a lesson to be learned in all of this. Just as we were slowly immersing ourselves in German culture and learning how to cope with the difference, we were once again informed about another family move. This time to the United States.

- Irene, you needed to build upon that very effective transition sentence at the end of your previous paragraph so I took the liberty of revising the paragraph form for you :-)

= How did that pay off for you in the end? Did you finally become one of them? How?

Undergraduate / Being the only South Asian child in the australian neighborhood - USF UNDERGRADUATE COLLEGE ESSAY [6]

Shamra, I have some points for you to consider in order to strengthen you essay :-)

- Shamra, since you are writing an application essay, you do not need such a flowery introduction. Talk directly about the activities being asked because the admissions officer does not have time to waste wading through 2 paragraphs of introductory information. You could lose the reader by the time he starts the second paragraph. That would be highly detrimental to your application. Since you could not have possibly done any real sort of community service, one that had an impact on other people at the age of 7, you can skip that part. Just start talking about the community service that you did which impacted other people's lives.


- It is always best to keep a theme in your essay. Make sure that all of the work experience and volunteer experience that you present relate to your desired major. That way you can build the foundation of your intention to become a particular type of person in the future. Since the barista part is only an additional job, is is superfluous and unnecessary.

Undergraduate / 'Outside is cold and dry' - Common App Essay - childhood to adulthood transformation [3]

Roushoui,the problem with your essay is that it does not answer the prompt at all. We are talking about a life altering event that led you to transform from a child to an adult during a time when you were supposed to still be in the mindset and actions of a child. Topics that cover this prompt include life lesson results. So you should discuss something serious and truly life altering. Reflect on your life so far, was there any point in time when you felt like you had to grow up fast because you had no other choice? That is the kind of question you should be looking at answering while looking for a proper topic for your essay. Possible topics include the death of a loved one, a rite of passage in your community or family, baby-sitting would be a simple example of this, or having to take responsibility for your actions. My suggestions are meant to help guide you towards properly answering the prompt. Kindly consider these constructive criticisms and suggestions. I am looking forward to your revised version, if you decide to write one that is :-)

Undergraduate / Public speaking was never my forte. Disappointment and Failure of a school assignment. [4]

Andrew, you are selling yourself short. This is a well written and developed essay. Sure there are grammar errors that can be corrected, and there are portions that can be edited for content, but the overall effect of your paper is quite good. You should be congratulated on your extremely good grasp of the prompt and your thorough discussion of the lessons that you learned from the event that happened to you. Now let's see how we can clean up the essay :-)

- ... I was to defend the anti death penalty side, which went against the point of view of the class, which was pro death penalty. I was shaking in my boots until I heard my classmates telling my opponent that he was definitely going to win and that I did not stand a chance. My competitive nature took over at this point and my fiery determination killed my nervousness. This debate wasn't about the assignment anymore, it was now about beating the odds.


-The grin I struggled...

Undergraduate / My drawer; Shalwar kameez's, Pakistani dresses, rainbow of colors and designs - admission for U of M [3]

Sonia, your essay has room for additional discussion points. You should take us back to Pakistan when you could wear these clothes freely. Let us know how this community functioned. How you felt as you participated in activities that required the wearing of these clothes. Remember, you are supposed to explain the community to the admissions officer and tell him all about your place within the community. Right now, your essay does not do that because it talks instead, of the disconnect between your clothes and your lack of a community to wear the clothes in. That is not what the essay is about. So go back to the past. That is the world where your dresses belong and that is where you had a particular place in the community. Let us into that world and allow it to shine through on paper. By doing that, you will allow us to learn more about the world where you came from and how it may have influenced your current personality.

Undergraduate / Significance of fashion - FiT applicant [2]

Mark, your essay is not really answering the prompt. You should have slanted the essay towards giving the admissions officer an idea about who you are and how fashion relates to your personality and life. Why is fashion important to you? Show us the foundation of fashion in your life, either as a hobby or a future career. Did you design clothes for friends and family members without any formal training? Talk about that. It will answer the question


After that you can talk about Fashion Merchandising Management as your major.

In that particular aspect of the essay, you need to give us a concrete idea of where you see your career headed in about 5 years, Make it even shorter, say two years. This will explain why you chose this particular major and how your studies at FIT will help you achieve that goal. Relate the classes to your future goals.

Conclude by reiterating the importance of fashion in your life and how you hope to become a trailblazer in the fashion world after completing your studies.

Undergraduate / "Eat Veggies, Not Friends" - Vegan Roommate - Stanford Essay (Supplement) [4]

Lucy, try to talk about more than just your veganism. Surely there are other more interesting things about you that you would want to share with your future roommate. Talk about how you like to have fun, what topics you like discussing, your hobbies, and any eccentric behavior you might have. The information you provide in those areas will help the university line you up with a compatible roommate for the semester. While your veganism is something your room mate should know about, you should tell her more about your personality, your likes and dislikes, and any medical conditions you might have, just to make sure you room mate does not get surprised by any medical needs on your part. Remember, you need to open yourself up to your roommate in order to have a harmonious semester of living with her. So this letter is something that you should take seriously and make sure that it includes all the most important information about you as a person. After all, you want to make sure that your roommate will be your friend for life, not sometimes friend, more often a foe, during the duration of the semester :-)

Undergraduate / "Remains of War: Capitalists. Communists. War." - Common App Essay [3]

Eileen, have you given any thought to writing a stronger introductory statement? Since you grew up dealing with the aftermath of the Vietnam war, that should be the focal point of your essay and thus, be included in the introduction. Also, you need to mention the Vietnam war at the start because placing it at the bottom of the essay makes the reader wonder which of the American involved wars you are talking about. Each American war involves the migration of the people from the war torn country to the United States so you need to make your country of origin clear so that the read will have an idea of what you had to go through and survive in order to reach this point in your life. You also speak of voicing out your ideas. So why not write a paragraph that talks about the kind of maturity that you developed at the age of 11 after you were torn from Vietnam? What lessons did you learn from that experience that helped create the person you are today? Go deeper than just your grandparents experience, talk about you and your experience, your lessons, and your outlook in life because of what you went through.

Essays / I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay! [28]

Fiona, if I could pat you on the back, I would! This is a wonderful revision. I agree that it needs work but the point right now is that you were able to direct the essay in such a manner that you were able to give a solid background regarding your reasons for establishing the Orange Mandarin Club. Excellent work. Now let me help you clean it up.

- I still remember how the Government class I took in the United States left me hurting. The class discussion was all about gun control and how it was becoming extremely difficult for the government to control it. When I was was asked for my opinion, I gave my honest answer, "Be more communist". That was the world I knew and as far as I was concerned, the Chinese government policies prevented the need for gun control measures. The class roared with laughter. Teasing me because they saw Communism as a bad thing. I found myself asking "How can foreigners truly know what our government in China is like?" I was hurt and I felt the need to do something to correct this American misconception about China.

- We can skip this and go directly to the founding of the club for more effect.

- ... I was now no longer irritated by the American misconceptions. Instead, I took pride in what I was doing for my motherland. Seeing the eyes of my American classmates glitter with interest and trust in what I and my friends were sharing with them, I knew that the misunderstanding between us would finally be cleared up. Hopefully, the day would come when we could finally say that the misunderstanding never existed.

I hope this works for you :-)

Undergraduate / 'not wasting lot of time attending classes' - I support of building a new high school near our home [4]

Vns, yes, you can write a 3 paragraph essay. That is the minimum paragraph count for any standard essay. Your minimum sentence count per paragraph is 3 sentences. Now some professors sometimes change the minimum sentence count per paragraph to 5. That count is really up to you. Just make sure you don't go below 3 lines per paragraph. In a TOEFL essay, 30 minutes will allow you write 3 paragraphs because you need to outline, draft, then revise, and finalize the essay. As a non-native speaker, 3 paragraphs should be more than sufficient to prove your English writing skills. However, if you are familiar with the topic and you feel you can write more paragraphs, then go for it. The more you can prove your understanding and knowledge of the given topic, the better off your TOEFL score will be :-)

Undergraduate / Vast amounts traditions, extracurricular activities, and research opportunities; reasons for apply [2]

Tyler, you seem too focused on the extra curricular activities of Madison. There is no balance between your extra curricular and academic interests. My advice, would be to strengthen a certain part of your essay as i point out below.

- You need to be very specific in this portion of your statement. Don't tell them about being ranked 18th in the country. They already know how fantastic their university is. Instead, talk about your future major and what programs or internships they offer that you will be taking full advantage of. Place the same kind of enthusiasm that you have for their extra curricular activities into the discussion of your academic concentration.

Undergraduate / 'inspiring chat with a Syracuse Admissions Officer' - What influenced you to apply? [4]

Kerry, there is just one more point that I feel you need to build upon with a few more sentences. See my suggestion below.


- Since you say that it Syracuse is a town rich with cultural history, you should somehow find a way to connect it to your Broadcast Journalist major. Offer an insight as to how the history of the town can help you further your career by allowing you practice broadcast events, or perhaps how you plan to write a thesis about a pivotal event in the history of the town. Something that will show the admissions officer that you have plans of getting to know the town on more than just a superficial basis. This will also show how the town experience will help advance your studies and career.

Undergraduate / I have become best friends with a stationary saw - I feel great working on my tiny house. [4]

Lucy, while the title that you chose for your essay is interesting, it is not correct when you consider the the essay prompt. Your title describes a piece of construction equipment while the prompt is asking about a place or environment. I will grant you the content of the essay since it pertains to both an environment and place which in this case, is the small house that you are building. I would suggest though, that you limit the description of the house and talking about poring over Youtube videos because that is not really part of the answer to the prompt. Instead, I believe that you would do better to give a more in-depth description of how you feel while you are working on the house.

We need to know why finishing this project is important to you. Most specially since women are not really known for being interested in brick and mortar construction, which is what you are doing. You already explained a little about its important to you in the following passage


, you just need to build upon that sentiment.

By the way, you are supposed to pick only one place to discuss in the essay so this passage in particular, ,


has to be deleted. It is either you talk about the house you are building of the barn of your dad where you are working. Currently, this is an under developed paragraph which has no place in the end of your essay. What you need to do is talk about the importance of the house you are building and why you feel perfectly content working on it. That is the place where you feel perfectly content and it is also the place most meaningful to you.

Undergraduate / Tea with Pancakes - Story that changed my life [13]

Alina, more notes for you to consider :-)


- On the second day... I becamethe coordinator...


- ... topicdrawn was...
- Drown is to asphyxiate in water. Drawn is to pull out something.


-... suggestedI go .


- ... wehad done ...


- Then I realized that I had not reviewed the topic during our research and practice runs, so I suggested that we send the person whom I thought would be able to win us the competition.


- ... melosing the game...


- Those words never rang true for my until that day.