Undergraduate / creating music - Common App 150 word essay [6]


I'm not sure what you mean by this. Your long essay should function well by itself.

Undergraduate / Intended major : Public Health <Applying to Berkeley & UCI> [6]


While i like the imagery here I cannot imagine why students would "extend" their tongues and cringe afterwards.


Cut this sentence down.

The second paragraph is slightly boring. You spend a lot of the room decribing the healthy meal thing.

Undergraduate / FSU essay; strength within [4]

I like how you focused on one of the words but your narrative needs some work.

During my third gym class at a brand new schoolYou do not need to say that it was your third gym class. I am not sure that this sentence is interesting enough for your first sentence , Coach Carol revealed the two team captains for the day, indicating that we were splitting up into teams. While all the other kids rejoiced at this opportunityWhy would they rejoice? , it made me shrink in despair. At the tender age of eleven, my fear was being picked last amongst my peers.At the tender age of eleven? What does that have to do with your fear? Why are they in one setence together? To make my nightmares worse, I barely had any friends in that class due to my introverted personality. The team captains made their rounds again and again, until there were four people left, and I was one of them them. After three more decisions by the team captains, my nightmare became reality. I was standing on the other side alone. My peers didn't want me on their teams.


I don't understand. You feel that you exhibit a "can-do" attitude because of this event? I would say that your home run was luck and not dedication since you were surprised yourself.

"I dreaded gym class after that day. I hated the feeling of being last, even if it was in an area I did not excel at. I knew that sports were not my forte, but I also knew that I could contribute to the team is I tried. Convincing my peers became the daunting task I undertook, but days passed without any progress. I realized that it was my self esteem that was lacking, so I decided to be develop optimistic attitude about it, feeling that if I held enough confidence within then I would be able to exude that confidence and apply it to the game."

I wonder what tipped your canoe? What made you so frustrated that you decided to change? It would have been easier to remain introverted but why choose the harder path to change yourself? You have had so many gym classes in which you were horrible at the sports played and yet you choose this instant to change. Why?


I really dislike this sentence. The fact is that you use "the fact" so much the reader gets pretty agitated, and that's a fact. You do not need to explain yourself. If you feel that the reader does not understand the point of your essay then I would make it more obvious rather than putting an explanation as to your intentions.

Overall your essay is on topic. However it is boring. Very boring. At least for me.

Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [4]

Mayada I read your essay and only after seeing your reply to Liebe did I actually see your attempt at rhetoric. What does this show? It may show that I am just plain dumb or it may show that your valient effort does not spice up your essay whatsoever.


Ok then why the repitition of the stuff you bolded? Why are you comparing them in the first place? That's what I don't understand and possibly the reason that we don't find the first half of your essay to be relevent to the prompt or the essay itself.

Undergraduate / Fireflies - "Significant experience" essay [14]


I think you misunderstand me liebe. I simply did not think that the lesson learned by the author


applies to her. After I read her essay I don't see why she cares about her quote here because her experience with the fireflies is literal. Their light actually glows after they're dead but I supposed that she wants it to mean that the effects that others have on you last even after they have gone. She did not show why she thought this quote to be true figurativly which is the point of this quote. I thought it was empty. I think you also misunderstand the lesson of my essay because it's lesson was that we should have our own goals and do things for ourselves. I think that this lesson is very real life and I have shown that it is through my example. If you thought that this was unclear then I will gladly go back and change it. I feel that my experience with my piano teacher taught me this lesson. I see that the firefly has taught her also but never in this essay does it impact her.


I will say it again. I thought that this meant that the first time she saw death was when she saw this dead firefly. I am sorry if I've interpreted this sentence wrong.

Undergraduate / Purdue personal statement - interest in science [15]


I was implying that "and get into graduate school to attain a Ph.D. " is an empty statement.

Undergraduate / UT austin personal essay A, but to write about family is little cliche.. [8]

tal105's idea is good.
But lets not cross out topics just because a lot of people use them. You say that writing about family is cliche. Think about why it is cliche.

Normally when people write about their families they talk about how their family is always their to support them without in depth examples. This is cliche.

If you have had a truly special experience with your family go ahead and write about them.

It's just that family essays tend to become cliche after the author writes about something that they believe is special but actually is shared by almost every family.

Writing about other's can end up just as cliche. Make sure to choose someone who actually influenced you instead of picking someone surprising just to captivate the reader.

Undergraduate / Fireflies - "Significant experience" essay [14]


How old were you? I would think that you have seen dead insects before this occasion so I'm not sure if it's the first time you were acquainted with death.

I cannot identify this event's impact on you. Sure you were acquainted with death and I do see that you've realized a principle here but the lesson seems insignificant to me because the principle doesn't apply to your life. Unless you have had loved ones die, you have not witnessed the "light" that glows after something is dead making it an empty statement without anything literal to back this piece of figurative language up.

Undergraduate / "My most profound interests; the universe" - UIUC Essay (#1 of 2) [16]


Your right, I apologize for that. When I read the sentence at first I thought that it was overexaggerating the uniqueness of these images.


Perhaps you should add the fact that these were childish dreams and that studying the universe is your first serious goal.

Undergraduate / "My most profound interests; the universe" - UIUC Essay (#1 of 2) [16]

Ahhh true. I often unfairly underestimate the effect of the experiences of others.

Undergraduate / Purdue personal statement - interest in science [15]



^While some can achieve a strong creative essay in less than 200 words most of us mortals cannot. I suggest you use the remaining 320 words to add an in depth example of how your love for chemistry came about.


^Really now...






"Having a degree in chemistry would help me get a job that I enjoy."
^I thought you were going to write "Having a degree in chemistry would help me get a job that I am interested in"

"A college degree will open many new doors for me, allowing me to have many choices in life. It will also help me participate in medicinal research to save lives, and get into graduate school to attain a Ph.D. "

^You have already chosen chemistry though so why do you care if you have other choices. Ph.D? That's like..I want to turn 18 so that I can turn 19 to attain 20 years of age.

Undergraduate / "My most profound interests; the universe" - UIUC Essay (#1 of 2) [16]

The problem I have with your experience is that it is shared by almost all children. I personally have experienced this planetarium type activity no less than 4 times in my life. I find it hard to believe that an activity such as this prompted your intense love for astronomy especially since it happened in third grade.


How so?


I'm not sure if "inflate" is a good choice.


These things can be seen on the internet.


Since your experience could instantly make you forget about your other aspirations I wonder if a similarly exciting incident could make you change your mind about studying space just as fast in the future.

Undergraduate / Diabetes in my family - Common Application Essay [11]


^I think there is something already wrong with this. The fact that you know a lot about diabetes is not going to get you into college.

I like your introduction however.

In the end you start to get to the point. You talk about how you will give care to people who need it but that is just one sentence.

I would cut down more than half of your rant about diabetes.
How has diabetes affected your relationship with your family? How has it effected your social life? Stuff like this may be good to mention.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Movies or television now play an important role in our life [14]


These two phrases are basically the same thing. Both of them are untrue. I doubt that many people couldn't live anymore if T.Vs were taken out of their lives.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Movies or television now play an important role in our life [14]


Really? I do not find that natural disasters make me more pleasant.


Just because these things are part of their life does not mean that they cannot live without them.


How old are these children you speak of. This is very controversial, an example would be nice.

Undergraduate / "Good morning, visitors!" [10]

It's more of a pride thing. If I say my work sucks even though I know it doesn't, others will believe that I can write better. This way if I write a bad essay others will still think that I can write better one. If I write a good one and say it sucks, others will think that I am a writing god.

Undergraduate / My dad has sensitive skin; Casa Grande High School, UC Essay #2 [15]


How did you stick up for yourself if they still forced you to finish the year?


You don't need this.

I think that this is much better.

Undergraduate / "It's not who I am underneath, it's what I do that defines me"--common app essay [16]


How did you feel "burdened" by the sight?
Sight of seeing=No
Impulses are already immediate.

This sentence does not sound like a concluding sentence to me.

Undergraduate / My dad has sensitive skin; Casa Grande High School, UC Essay #2 [15]

I think so. From your essay right now it sounds like a really simple decision. You hated band so you quit. Your parents put up no resistance whatsoever so I conclude that it was not a tough decision for you. If it isn't a tough decision your lesson is shakey.

However, it is a fact that your parents did not put up any resistance so it is also fact that your decision was not difficult because of the lack of possible negativities. Everyone was supportive of your decision.

The others seem to disagree with me about your essay. You can choose not to take my advice.

Undergraduate / an internship in the surgery department - common app short answer. [8]


Haha...
The first two sentences take up valuable space that can be used to introduce your actual volunteer experience.
And it is the part where your describing your experience at rehab that needs the depth anyway.

Undergraduate / My dad has sensitive skin; Casa Grande High School, UC Essay #2 [15]


Lemonade.


Your dad had to go tot he hospital because he took a risk out in the sun.

While I do like this essay, it barely answers the prompt.

"Tell us about a personal quality, talent, experience, contribution, or accomplishment that you bring to the University of California.
What makes you proud of this quality or accomplishment and how does it relate to the person you are?"
1)More love for ones parents is not an important thing to the University.
2) You give nothing about yourself to be proud of.
3) I do not know what type of person you are after this essay.

Undergraduate / an internship in the surgery department - common app short answer. [8]

kenziii-
I don't think that you should not remodel essays for the author. Grammatical errors are good to point out but reorganizing it detracts from the author's writing style and obscures the writer's true capability.

Undergraduate / an internship in the surgery department - common app short answer. [8]


I do not think that this is necessary, especially since this is the 150 word common app. Just start out stating that you interned at a physical therapy department. They don't want to hear about how you got mixed up and how you wanted to intern in the surgery dep.

Use all 150 words elaborating on your experience in the phys therapy department. You only have two sentences that actually answer the question.

I think that the last sentence should give the reader a sense of closure even though there is no formal conclusion.

Btw, I want to be a surgeon also :P

Undergraduate / My dad has sensitive skin; Casa Grande High School, UC Essay #2 [15]


I do think that your topic is not too strong.
I feel like you should emphasis how hard it was to make the decesion more. It also seems a little cliche.


There is room for improvement although if you get any really good ideas for new topics I would do a little freewrite on that topic.

Undergraduate / My dad has sensitive skin; Casa Grande High School, UC Essay #2 [15]

Loud applause filled the room as we finished playing our final piece. The results of this performance were what we had been working towards for the entire school year.Avoid passive voice. You can reduce your word count by using an active voice.

I found this very odd until it hit me: I hate band. For the past six years I had been forcing myself to pretend that I love band so that it would not appear to be torturous.How does pretending you like band make it less horrible for you?My whole life I had done everything that my parents had told me because I wanted to make them happy and be what I believed was the perfect child.Everything that your parents told you? I felt nothing for the band's achievement because I feel nothing for band. I love music, but I hate playing it.I do not think that this is necessary

Undergraduate / Hospice Volunteering - Common App Essay [6]

Good essay! Excellent organization. Your introduction pulled me in right away. You tie it up very nicely. I hate it when a writer has to separate the impact from the story. You blend them very very eloquently.

Good job.

Undergraduate / "Wildfires in Texas" - admission essay for UT [6]


Strong strong essay. I would like to see a much much better conclusion though.

Undergraduate / A difficult accomplishment that you are proud of [6]

To drive a small business organization to generate an excellent profit, and then eventually being part of the team that successfully negotiated the sale of the company in a multi-million[$£Kr etc] business deal is my greatest achievement. I was instrumental in making our corporate partners understand the exceptional quality of our product and was able to convince them beyond their comprehensionIf they did not comprehend you how would they be convinced by applying my negotiating skills. The most intriguing part of my achievement was being able to drive the the profit up .How was this intriguing? Accomplished by working on my days off at the weekend to promote the company products in various ways by direct approach and sales to the public. This worked out furtherWord choice problem than I initially envisioned. Also Not only was this able to generate extra profit for the company, butI was also able to reduce the company expenditures, it also created abundant time for the team in general to focus on other parts of our marketing strategies.Run on sentence

What i find most interesting was the fact that this led to me being appointed and recommended by the Business director as part of a the team that participated in the negotiation of the sale of the company, where i gave an excellent presentationThis sounds arrogant. of the company's product leading to the company being sold.

From this great experience I have learnt great things these includedincluding liason and negotiotiation, and am also being able to deal with the public in a professionl manner.run on I have learned that a good observational skillsare necessary in identifying and solving complex problems. Also I learned that not only does this help with work related issues, it works in my day to day life, dealing with family friends and the public in general.

Essays / Something you are passionate about [10]


It's alright.

See, we can't really write your essay or tell you how to write it.


I am not you so I really don't know how to answer these questions unless you want me to make up a fictional adventure about how you came to love technology.

Perhaps you should think about what aspects of technology you like and how it has impacted your life in a meaningful way.
This answers why it is important to you.

Writing Feedback / Essay about important characteristics of a co-worker. [5]

At present, we are living and communicating with many types of people in society in general and working with those in particular. Think of a new beginning that is not broad.As far as I am concerned, some vital characteristics of a colleague are well-qualified, highly committed to the work and inspirableWouldn't this mean that they are not independent? to other workmates.

The most essential quality of a co-worker today is well-qualified because this will contribute greatly to both colleagues and the company. A co-worker with good skills and knowledge is very comfortable to work with and the quality of tasks will be ensured.This is all very obvious.

Generally, this characteristic reveals that the person has perceived good education and training and often work with well-organized plan.

Having highhigh? word choice responsibility and commitment to work is also a necessary characteristic of a co-worker. By way of illustrationI don't understand this phrase , a punctual member will help his or her team be successful in meeting deadlines. Moreover, a team with members who are highly committed to the task can achieve high performance. When working together, it will be really annoying to other people if their colleague is always late or does not concentrate on the job. Therefore, commitment and responsibility are among the most appreciated qualities of a co-worker.

The last but not leastDon't use this phrase important characteristic is motivating other colleagues at work. In other words, this means a co-worker is inspirable to his or her workmates. Supporting and appreciating the work of others will create a great working environment. Colleagues will be enthusiastic about working; they will work more effectively, thus improving their skills. Hence, there is no doubt that company or corporation will be stably developed; all members will be satisfied and feel a strong bond between them and their company.

To sum upThis is like "In conclusion" which I've always thought to be taboo. , it is obvious that all members of corporation will feel snugsnug? and having a great time working with people having significant characteristics above. From my point of view, these virtues will bring about great impacts on colleagues such as improving their skills, their knowledge and passions towards their jobs.

Essays / Something you are passionate about [10]

I don't understand. You don't even know what your passionate about?
Maybe your passionate about technology? Maybe?
You can't really expect any feedback if you have no topic.

Essays / Something you are passionate about [10]

What kind of help do you want? If you want us to think of a topic for you ok then. Write about how you are passionate about llamas and their breeding patterns. You see? I don't know what you want from us.

Undergraduate / "how we manage these imperfections" - Umich setback essay [18]


What made you realize this? Perhaps there was an event that pushed you over the edge.


This was unanswered.

Undergraduate / "Good morning, visitors!" [10]


Why don't you work on it harder then?


This unforseen sentence disturbs the flow of your introduction. Combine the definition of SCSP with your previous sentence.

Essays / "Observing or studying animals" - how to find some standpoints on a topic? [4]

Do you have a pet?
You've learned about Pavlov right? Classical conditioning. It's when a guy named Ivan Pavlov made his dog think food would come everytime he rang a bell. Anyway you can talk about how humans can be classically conditioned. For example, in the book "Brave New World" baby's are trained to dislike books and flowers because everytime they get near these two things they get shocked by the electric grid underneath them.

If animals get punished for bad things they will stop engaging in such activities. Human's are the same way.
\
Anyway read up on Pavlov's experiment, I didn't do a good job of explaining it.

You can relate an animal's sense of property to a human's. Human's like the company of other humans. Stuff like that. I hope it's helpful.

Undergraduate / Purdue personal statement - interest in science [15]


So you disliked the first year of chemistry but then paired with AP Biology it turns into your dream. I don't get it.


This is a little immature. Ideally you want a degree in a subject because it is what you love. Chemistry cannot get you a job anywhere anyway.

You don't explain anything in this essay. How long is this suppoed to be? It would be easier if you wrote the whole thing and then posted.

Undergraduate / Failing in school - Significant experience [10]


Two things wrong with this. You use "very" and you repeat the same thing in the following sentence:



I always thought that teachers can't really decide whether to pass or fail a person because it is based on points.


This is your chance to make the reader believe that you're hardworking. Expand.

Undergraduate / Should I include names in my essay? [7]

I do not think it is necessary. However this is your essay. I do not think that this is one of the first things you should worry about before you write the essay.

Undergraduate / "what do you want to be when you grow up?" - UM-Flint Essay [18]

If this is being typed into an online application, I believe the character count does include spaces. At least it counts them for my online supplements on commonapp.org

Undergraduate / "Difference challenges assumption" - UMich admission eassy [7]


I meant why don't you just state that your thinking was effected by your life experiences instead.


That phrase just sounded funny to me but I guess Simone knows that this is legit.


I do not think that it is necessary.