Undergraduate / Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose.... [14]

Just a few corrections and maybe a suggestion here and there :-) Don't get me wrong, the paper has developed to the point where you can actually use this already if you want to.


- He will bethe "Mad...


- I will boost him withmy strong...


- ... a whole processtha t would eventually...


- related to nuclear...


- Our plan will be make nuclear energy cheaper and safer, thus making it more safer, economical and common for household use specially in the regions of the world experiencing energy shortages.

- This speaks of the man that Tesla became. Not Tesla the student. The essay asks you to consider Tesla as a fellow student so this paragraph is misplaced.

Undergraduate / The Me I am Today - Common App; background or story of an international student [11]

Silverw, you have improved the essay a great deal. However, I still have some corrections and suggestions to make for your further consideration :-)

- I have learned that... " you respond is seen as..."


- Bullying was a part of my childhood. ... may similar things with them so I was confused as to why...
- We already established that the bullying was a part of your childhood. There is no need to mention an age anymore.

- How did you discover writing as a channel to release your anger about bullying? You should relate this to the voice that you found through writing. How did you feel the first time you wrote about what was troubling you?


- Your guidance counselors support should be a separate paragraph but they are irrelevant to the topic being discussed at this point so I advise you to completely omit that topic instead.


- Could you talk more about the closure that you received by befriending and receiving apologies from the bullies? That will make the conclusion happier and softer yet notable in impact :-)

Graduate / Concept of being able to make the human body move with the most precision possible; entrance essay [2]

- This is a strong introduction. It fully explains your familiarity with the science of human movement and is a logical career step for an athlete.


- Mention some injuries that you personally sustained during training or competitions that helped you become familiar and fascinated with the sports performance laboratories. Relate your injuries and the rehabilitation you received towards your enlightenment that this career is for you. Explain some of the plans that you developed while being rehabilitated yourself.


- I believe that your essay would better benefit from a discussion of how you plan to further advance sports medicine in the future in your capacity as a physical therapist. This will show your lofty goals and ambitions that will be the driving force behind your academic accomplishments and achievements as a physical therapy student.


- This is good plan for your future that will be noted by the admission officer for sure. However, you need to relate that future plan with your current goal. Explain how this step will be essential in helping you achieve your higher goal of becoming a specialist. That will make for a solid conclusion to your personal statement and bring your plans for your future and embodiment of the school vision full circle.

Writing Feedback / "Language helps teenagers navigate their comprehension of potential career paths" [3]


Ominous, there are a number of ways that you can discuss this essay. For your outline, I suggest that you introduce the topic as a historical, current, and future look at the way language has and will impact our world. For the body, you can discuss the basis of language development in childhood. That of the baby babbling kind all the way to saying your first word. Explain how this language impacted your relationship with your family. The baby talk is something that your parents will enjoy reliving with you and will make for an interesting example in the essay.

You can then proceed to discuss the types of formal languages a person needs to learn throughout life. From the grammar we learn in grade, middle, and high school, all the way to college where we learn field specific languages and discussions. In this part, you can include a historical look at the evolution of language. Probably throwing in some professional opinions about the way language has changed over time and how it might continue to change in the future.

Finally, you can present your own opinion on the matter, drawing upon your readings and personal experience to academically discuss the prompt. Don't forget to develop a strong conclusion that will help close the essay.

These are just some ideas I have to help you with your outline. I hope it helps you develop your essay :-) We are always here to help.

Writing Feedback / REED's ROME; the first time I ever... [3]

andre, it would really help us in reviewing your essay if you provided the prompt for this essay. That way we can tell the degree of informality allowed within the essay. You see, this is an informal essay and not an academic one so it alright to make it sound like you are talking to a friend, within certain parameters. Those parameters are usually contained within the essay prompt. That said, here is my take on your essay in its current form. I'll be restating some of your sentences to give it a more formal feel since that is what I think you are after :-)

- I guess I cried because I came to the rude realization that simply gliding along as an average student in middle school was not really the achievement I thought it was. High school had a totally different set of rules when it came to academics and this time, I could not simply "wing it" in order to pass my classes. Classes such as Algebra 2 showed me that I did not know anything about numbers and the rules of math. In hindsight, failing Algebra may have seemed like the end of the world to me back then, but now I understand that my failure to pass that class actually saved me by teaching me how to become a better student. By learning that it takes courage to ask questions and that questions, no matter how hard must be asked.

- Don't talk about whether you will be accepted or not into the program. That is a defeatist attitude that does not have a place in an application essay.


- I think that this story should somehow integrate into your first time introductory paragraph. This is actually the foundation of the first time you failed. So it does not belong in a 2nd paragraph. Can you blend this into the first one somehow?

- The paragraph about your failing chemistry and other classes is irrelevant at this point because you already established that you felt like a failure in math. Then you met My Koski, who helped you discover the need to ask questions and learn about math. Concentrate more on developing this point. It is highly important to enhancing the content of your paper. This shows how you turned your failure into an eventual success, which I believe is the expectation of this essay, to see how you overcome failure the first time. Am I right?

Undergraduate / ApplyTexas Essay B - Circumstance / Conflict In My Life [4]

- When you say the three musketeers, you mean your sisters all share the same interests and you were not allowed to join them even though you had the same interests as they.. So you were D'artagnan, the unofficial musketeer in this scenario? That does not sound like the way described this. You sounded more like you were describing your sisters with individual interests and each of them refused to let you into their specific worlds. Perhaps the musketeers would not be the best way to describe them?

- To quench means to finally remove the thirst or dry sensation. That is not what happened to you. I suggest you use the word defeated instead.

- Bring this up to the first paragraph. Place it at the end of the last sentence so that this can serve as your transition sentence into the next paragraph.


- Notorious has a negative connotation. Just because a class is more often enjoyed by men does not make it a bad thing for women to join. Perhaps using the term "known" in place of notorious would put a more positive spin on your predicament.



- ... there were only ...

- You should already be discussing the method by which you overcame your desire to drop out of the class. Explain how the computer studies helped you find a place to belong. Right now, you are telling us a lot of things, but nothing that shows how your activity helped you overcome your obstacle of finding a place in this world or in school.

- This is a strong closing statement. I suggest you keep it without changes as the final message of your essay :-)

Grammar, Usage / Another way to paraphrase the word "tuition" in "tuition fee" [4]

Tienin, it sounds like you in dire need of a thesaurus. Another way of saying tuition fee is "matriculation fee". Basically, the word "matriculation" means to pay to add add yourself or a name to a list or to enroll in a class, such as college, wherein you will earn a degree or certificate at the end of your enrollment. A matriculate is a student who is enrolled in the college or university. So when people ask "Where did you matriculate from?" they are asking which university you had your name added to a list of students to. In other words, where you enrolled. Matriculation is the formal term for tuition fee and is normally used in Scotland and Britain. Tuition fee is normally used in the United States. It is just a matter of semantics.

It would be best for you to do a review of the words that you may commonly use in your essay test using a thesaurus. the online version would perhaps be best as you can download it to your tablet or android device and review anywhere. The thesaurus is like a dictionary of different ways to say one word. All you need to know is the basic word that you want to use and look it up. Beware though, sometimes, using a different word just to avoid redundancy could totally change the meaning of your sentence. So I would suggest that you use a thesaurus along with a dictionary just to be safe :-) Look up the other way to say a word then make sure that the meaning will not change your sentence in the dictionary :-)

Writing Feedback / 'health is a primary need' - alternative forms of medicine [8]

Wirawi, your essay is quite good. It looks at the major sides of the issue and you discuss it to the extent of your knowledge. I have some suggestions to make regarding content and grammar though. I will list is below for your reference :-)


- Prior to stating your position, you should have paraphrased the prompt first. That would have made the introductory statement a solid piece of writing.
- Misuse of alternative forms of ...


- ... may be one of... several factors affecting this trend...sometimes they just take medications based upon referrals from other people ... factor is the cost of the ... Lower income people buy alternative medicines because that is what they can afford.


- ... the need for adequate healthcare is ... be healthy and heal their illnesses . This situation is what drives people to see either a doctor or alternative healthcare doctor. If they don't have money for a real doctor, then they don't have money for real medicines either. So they make the choice to use alternatives instead.


- I think you need to explain this statement further in support of your aforementioned paragraph. Merge the two contents in order to develop a stronger paragraph.


- You need to restate the prompt and your point of view in the conclusion. A revision is in order for this part so I will not advice you about correcting any part of this yet. I will wait to see what your revised conclusion might be before I give you advice.

Writing Feedback / {TOEFL} Attending boys and girls in a same school would bring many advantages [2]

It is refreshing to read an essay that talks about the issue of sending boys and girls to separate schools or not on the terms of social adjustment instead of expert point of views about learning and the like. This take of yours shows the issue from what I consider to be a new perspective and thus, made the essay highly interesting to read. However, after reading the whole essay, I realized that while your argument is quite strong, it weakens because you did not develop the opposing argument as strongly as your personal point of view. You practically just skimmed over the opposing view, not really giving it enough attention or ample time to discuss in the paper.

By neglecting the opposing argument, the essay lost its balanced perspective. Your defense of your stance could have been made stronger by the discussion that you could have had pertaining to the side that does not share your point of view. If you do not have a word limit or if you have not reached the word limit yet, I would suggest that you further develop the essay in order to further develop your point of view. Don't be afraid to tear down the reasons of the opposing side. That is what an opinion essay is all about.

Remember for every agreeing opinion, there is a disagreeing one. One side is not more important than the other. Each side carries equal weight when it comes to an informative discussion. Therefore, both sides must be represented in your essay.

Writing Feedback / The benefits of nuclear technology far outweigh the disadvantages. Do you agree or disagree? [8]


- William, the introduction is incomplete because you forgot to provide your agreement or disagreement with the restated prompt. Your opinion was to serve as the thesis statement for your paper. You need to revise this paragraph otherwise you will not have have followed the prompt requirements.


- Is this your personal opinion on the matter? Is this your disagreement?


- You could have combined these two paragraphs into one since the topics it discusses are connected. I suggest you do that. Also, sorry for being so repetitive, but you really need to let us know at the very start where you agree or disagree with the prompt. Reading the essay and not knowing where you stand leaves the reader wondering about that.


- It is against the rules of essay writing for the writer to introduce a new idea in his concluding paragraph. So I suggest you remove the part about radiation leakage. That was you will simply have summarized your facts in the conclusion, which by the way, is still missing your opinion on the matter.

Writing Feedback / Critique essay about pro death penalty [2]

The essay topic is high interesting and controversial. I just have a question about the in-text citation, what format should it be in? It will be difficult to tell if you quoted your sources properly without knowing the essay format you were required to us. Can you tell us what it is? Regardless of the in-text citation format, I have to comment you for having done your homework regarding the facts about the history of the death penalty and a lot more. All of the information you provided created a very informative essay. However, there are some grammatical errors that need to be corrected in order to create a more seamless reading experience for your reader. Let me offer some suggestions regarding how to do this.


- ... with the start of civilized... He created the... capital punishment still exists in our... for why capital punishment is a necessary component... it is right to say that that if an offender... innocent person whose life was abruptly... who violated the lives of...capital punishment is necessary in society for reasons... sanctity of life. ... W hether... by ending a life .


- As human beings, regardless of religious beliefs, we all grow up following a moral compass as a guiding rule. This is based upon the Golden Rule that states...Why should a rapist or murderer be allowed to escape the death penalty when they enjoyed watching their victims suffer? Why should their death be considered inhumane when their actions were tantamount to that of wild animals? the death of the perpetrator would bring justice to the victim and help his or her family gain closure with regards to their tragic loss... However retribution is not fueled by malice. Revenge is personal. Retribution is something totally indifferent... (you paraphrased in this part)

[quote=cpdphilippe If the victims of these heinous crimes can suffer painful deaths why is it wrong for the offender to suffer the same fate?[/quote]- Think about those times when a heinous...

This is an excellent paper. I know that you could have gone on and on about the discussion from both sides of the fence but I am glad that you stopped it at the point that you did. However, you should not end the essay with a question. You never end an essay with a question. End it with a strong statement of support for your opinion instead.

Essays / 'just completed my Bachelors with honors in Electronics' - SOP for MS Computer Engineering [4]

Adnan, as a fresh graduate, you will still be at a disadvantage when applying for a masters degree. This is due to the fact that you are not yet sure what direction your career should be headed in. Normally, writing the statement of purpose comes with the experience you have had on the job. Having worked for a number of years on the job and possibly receiving a few promotions along the way, shows you your future career path. In order to follow that path, you will need a masters degree. At this point, I am not sure if you even know what your purpose for higher academic learning will be. But let me try to guide you regarding the content of an SOP.

First of all, you will need to have a clear career path in mind. That is because the masters course you will be enrolling in is something that you know you need to learn in order to get ahead in your job market. Make sure that you have career experience to mention, even if it is only an internship, related to the course you graduated from and the masters that you will be studying.

Second, it is important that you know what you plan to accomplish in your field of expertise in the future. You can then relate those plans to your purpose for the masters degree. It is normally assumed that you are seeking higher studies because you will be accomplishing more complicated tasks in the future.

Finally, you need to be able to imagine how the masters degree will help you develop further as a person, innovator, and thinker in the future. A masters degree is all about looking towards the future of your career. These definite plans and the position promotion chain in your field that often dictate the purpose for your higher studies.

Once you come up with an outline that covers these basic reasons for your SOP, we just might be able to help you draft a solid SOP as a fresh graduate :-)

Scholarship / 'I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth' - SEMESTER AT SEA PRESIDENTIAL SCHOLARSHIP [5]

It seems to me that you have written a very detailed essay relating to your scholarship application. The fact that you are using images to emphasis your essay shows that you have thoroughly considered all aspects of the application and have done your best to meet the criteria provided. When one analyzes the content of the essay it becomes obvious that you followed the instructions down to the minutest detail. I believe the previous comment you received relates to the way that you seem to have a number of project ideas that you plan to do while at sea. I think he was expecting you to concentrate on a single project for the whole semester instead. I think that your project,due to its variety and complexity, will be something that you and the participants will enjoy engaging in during the semester.

In my opinion, you should go ahead and take a chance with this essay, submit it and see where it takes you. You will never really know the kind of effect the essay will have on your application until you submit it. Don't try to second guess yourself. You still have the same chance of being either accepted or rejected by the scholarship regardless of the kind of essay you submit. You never know what they are looking for in a participant. So your application comes with a risk. There is no surefire essay that will win you a slot on the ship. There is only an essay that might help secure a slot. Nothing is definite. Take the chance. Otherwise you will always wonder about what might have been.

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]


- Jang, the decision regarding the topic to use is really up to you. I can only guide you during the writing process. The CPR project sounds more relevant to the 2nd prompt which deals with your activities while you were away from school. I don't really see a way to make this topic fit the first prompt unless you were a hero who saved the life of a drown victim or something. If you can think of a way to make it work with the first prompt as well then go for it. I will be here to assist you every step of the way :-) Don't be afraid to take risks, you never know what you might learn from it. So why not try writing both prompts with the same topic? Let's try to polish both and see which one you will choose in the end? How does that sound to you?

- I want you to consider something else though, how does CPR relate to the major you are applying for? The reason I ask this is because everything that you discuss in your essays should go back to your choice of major. This is the best way to build up your image as a student at the university for their consideration. If it were up to me, I would pick essay topics that can highlight my skills in relation to my chosen major. Of course you are free to do it your own way too. Whatever way you choose is best. I'll just provide the assistance that you need in finalizing the paper :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Jang, either of the the two prompts can be used for your essay. If you are considering using the first prompt, we will need to discuss the circumstances surrounding the family financial crisis and how it directly related to you. How you reacted to it and how you helped your family overcome it would show a sense a maturity that you received not from school but from having to overcome adversity in your life. For those types of prompts, anything that shows a deep or life changing experience on your part would be best. For the second prompt, should you choose to use it, you will need to discuss something relevant that shows continued education and character development. Something along the lines of taking a semester abroad building houses in Botswana or building water systems in India. It needs to be insightful and relevant to our society in order to make an impact. After all, you took time off from school, you better have done something productive during that time away from formal academic learning. Remember though, not all learning can be done in the classroom. That kind of essay would be your chance to show what you learned from the "school or real life". Whichever prompt you decide to use, we are all here to help you out :-)

Writing Feedback / Computer make us more productive or less happy and more stupid? [4]

Kajuthapa, There are a number of errors in your essay that need to be corrected. Kindly refer to my suggestions below:


- While you present some very good points in this paragraph, it would be advisable for you to restate the thesis prompt prior to your point of view on the issue. That way the reader has an idea about what the discussion will be about and where the talk stems from.Actually, this is the only part of your previous paragraph that fits as the introduction to the essay. The succeeding paragraph should have been a part of the body.

The body of your essay lacks development and only deals with one portion of the prompt. The part about making us more productive. You could have lengthened and strengthened your discussion by also tacking the second and third part about becoming less happy and more stupid. By discussing all three aspects, you will be able to present your position about computers being invented to make our lives easier and also counter the argument by saying that in the process of making us more productive, computers have also made people happier and more intelligent due to the ease of access to information.

Those are just some of my suggestions that I feel can help improve the over all content of your essay. While I could correct the grammar errors for you now, I always point out the problems with the body of the essay first and opt to correct that first because your grammar errors may lessen or increase depending upon how you revise the essay :-) I am looking forward to reading your revised essay if you choose to show us a new version :-)

Undergraduate / The Me I am Today - Common App; background or story of an international student [11]

- So, who were the Daleks in your life? What did they do to you or how did you act in a way that always provoked them? When you use a quote as strong as the one above, you need to follow it up with a personification in your own life. Otherwise the reader is left wondering about what you are trying to tell or describe to us.


- Did all of these accomplishments on your end help to end or at least ease the bullying you were experiencing? How would you relate this back to the quote that you wrote? Remember, your quote becomes the central basis for the theme and content of your essay. So every portion has to have a relationship, direct or otherwise to what you stated.


- So writing helped to end the bullying? When did you realize that you had finally stopped provoking them? If this is a story about overcoming bullying, then you should mention some important aspects about your experience that led to your realization and love for writing.

Undergraduate / Technology Addiction - University of North Carolina [2]

Dubby, you have created a very interesting essay here. It is a discussion about a theme that is very timely and truly is considered a great concern among educators and social scientists. I cannot find any fault with it content wise because you managed to cover all of the bases. From the concerns of the previous generation about the lack of human interaction in the new generation, all the way to the social problems that are slowly arising from the rampant use of anti-real time social technology, you have developed a very well thought out, outlined, and discussed paper. Even more important, is that you were able to cohesively present your thoughts within the word limit. Don't change anything in this paper. It is something you should be proud of and should submit with honor.

If I may suggest though, try to divide the topics into paragraphs without adding any new information so that you can stay within the word limit. This would make it easier for the reader to scan the paper and let them know when to expect some new information. It will make the paper look less cluttered :-)

Graduate / 'we give people their life back' - Physical therapy Grad School Essay [2]

Hohl, while you spoke at great length about your experience as a team captain, working with the team, your team wins and championships, even your injuries and how it opened your eyes to the important of physical therapy, you were not really able to explain how you would embody the mission and vision of the school once you become a physical therapist. You were not able to answer the prompt in any way. This is they key portion of the prompt that you had to answer:


Rather than discussing your past achievements leading to your decision to become a physical therapist, you should have been discussing your plans for the future. This is a future look or flash forward essay. Not a reflection or backward look paper. You need to answer the essay in terms of where you see your career in say 2 years and how you will have, by then, embodied the motto of the school in the performance of your duties. That is what the prompt is asking you to discuss and that is what is missing from this current version of the essay.

That is why I will strongly advise you to rewrite this essay to more closely align with the prompt. You need to do that in order to make this essay acceptable for submission to your university of choice. In its current form, it just does not apply and does not deliver what is expected of you. Good luck with your revision :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Jang, if there is one thing that is very difficult to do when applying to colleges and universities, it is trying to write a single essay that will fit the requirements of all the academic institutions you are applying to. Each institution has a specific set of requirements for their applications to comply with when writing essays. So while I applaud your outlining your thoughts in an effort to write a generic essay, it is just impossible to do that. Instead, I would suggest that you use the outline as the template for your essay based upon the requirements of the school you are applying to. At least you already know how you will format the paper depending upon the essay requirements. That is one less worry for you. However, if the universities you are applying to do not require a personal statement, then don't submit one. That will go unread because it is not part of the requirements that they listed. Instead, I would rather that you concentrate on developing a scholarship essay that you can use for a majority of financial aid applications. Scholarship requirements are almost uniform and the essays they require are similar to one another so you can generate a generic application essay to a certain degree. It will still require adjustments depending upon the demands of the scholarship.

I cannot point out what parts of your outline would diminish your chances at this point because I am not privy to which scholarship foundation you are applying to and what their requirements are. Your outline will only help us pick out which portions should be included in the essay, not which ones we should take out. So try to apply for a specific scholarship, write the personal essay and then upload it here. Then we can try to figure out how to make your essay stringer and what parts we will have to take out :-)

Undergraduate / Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose.... [14]

RevtZ, I am making a few suggestions below for your consideration :-)


- I envision my tutorial class at Williams to include Nikolai Tesla whose curiosity, analytical mind, and creativity continues to influence the scientific and technological minds of today. I envision my class being at the forefront of scientific excellence at the school and would therefore, include such a great mind as a student who at the time, would also be pursuing an education leading him to future scientific breakthroughs.

- Tesla would be the perfect addition to my class in my opinion because he is a person who has been perceived to have a scientific mind that thrives on asking questions, speculating, observing, and drawing conclusions based upon serious experimentation results. He will be able to assist me in class as I am more reserved in nature and tend to stay in the background during class discussions. So when paired up with the naturally inquisitive Tesla, I am sure to develop my own self confidence when it comes to asking questions and opening new avenues of investigation. He will be "Mad Scientist" that he is and I will be his willing assistant. Together, we will create a new field of science that will not exactly conform to the standard scientific approach.

- Our combined analytical minds will create a boost for our academic careers. While he helps me gain confidence, I will boost him with strong axiom of reasoning in all our undertakings. Thus making us two notable students on campus, gifted with a keen logical sense that can manage to detail a whole process that would eventually lead to the discovery of a new type of electricity (AC). Defending our discovery will help me further shape my reasoning skills that will eventually lead me to become more confident in my own skills and performance in modern Physics.

- Tesla will be more than a classmate to me. He will be a mentor. A confidant and fellow creative mind with whom I will be able to be myself because I will have found a kindred spirit who will not be afraid to take leaps of scientific faith just I would. Together, we could strive to develop the craziest sounding equations and then develop out of the box solutions for it. Together in a tutorial class, we would become unstoppable and usher in a new era of scientific study.

Scholarship / "From Gujarat to Georgia" - Biographical Essay for Questbridge [9]

Paku, the essay in its current form is excellent. You can already use this for your scholarship application. Feel free to submit this anytime you want to. The only reason that I wanted you to mention the scholarship and connect yourself to it is because scholarship foundations often look for certain commonalities between the applicant and the foundation. Often, such commonalities makes the foundation officers feel that the student will become a sort of image model for the scholarship foundation. Embodying the physical presence of the foundation by helping to advance the cause of the foundation through the classes you attend and your future participation in your chosen profession. I can see that you would rather highlight your personal story for this essay and I will accept that. It may or not be necessary for you to connect your story to the scholarship foundation. I guess if it is not specified in the scholarship application form, then you can even totally avoid making any connection between yourself and the foundation. I am here only to offer you writing advice. You make the final decision. So go with the decision you are most comfortable with. No harm, no foul :-) Good luck with your application. I honestly hope you get the scholarship :-)

Writing Feedback / Making an Impact- Parsons Artist statement 2014 [4]

Fashion is known as the ultimate statement a person can make about herself or himself. That is why fashion designers are known world wide. They design innovative concepts and put on shows that show their vision of the future of the fashion world. While you touched on some of this aspects in your essay, it feels to me like you spent most of the essay trying to develop answers to the prompt that were never really completed. Maybe because you lost track of the prompts midstream. There is a missing component in your essay as far as I can tell. That is the final part of the prompt that asks you discuss;


It seems that your response to this was;


You basically did not answer that part of the prompt. There are no solid plans for where you plan to take yourself after graduation. So you have no idea of what you want to achieve when that time comes. I suggest you rethink this portion of the essay and develop a more solid response. Something along the lines of "After graduating from Parson, I plan to stage a show at New York Fashion week within 2 years before having a bigger and more popular show in 3 more years during Paris Fashion Week..." or something along those lines. That is the type of definite answer that the prompt is looking for. As of now, your answer is quite vague and directionless.

Writing Feedback / My Best Friend - I met her at "Young Pianist" Contest [5]

Catie, I was hoping to learn more about you through your friendship with Nadya. Unfortunately, you only mentioned your friendship with her at the beginning and at the end of the essay. I am not sure what the prompt was for this paper but I really believe that it would have been helped content-wise if you had concentrated on describing Nadya to us through the friendship you shared with her. After all, it sounded like the two of you struck a deep friendship after meeting at the piano competition.

Do you have a chance to revise this essay? If you have the chance, I would suggest that you try to write it in a different way. Describe Nadya through the friendship the two of your share. There must be a reason or basis for you to say that you don't want your friendship with her to ever end. You even call her your best friend. But the reader does not learn anything about how this friendship developed to that extent. Essays like these require character description and development on the parts of both characters. In this case, that would be you and Nadya. That is a given owing to the title that you gave the essay :-)

Writing Feedback / 'is it necessary for children or not?' - Learning a foreign language [TOEFL] [3]

- Hamed, where is your point of view regarding the issue? You were able to restate the prompt and offer reasons that you will be discussing in the essay but I do not see your agreement or disagreement with either point of view anywhere in the introduction.

- Who offered these evidences that you are presenting as fact? In order to give your statement credibility, you need to tell the reader where you got the information from. For example, you could say "Child experts agree that..." instead of "First..."

- Always present one supporting and one opposing idea in order to give your essay a balanced point of view. In this case, your previous reason in support of the topic was strong enough. Now is the time to present the opposing side for argument.

- This conclusion would have been more solid if you had included the restated prompt, summary of facts, and the reiteration of your point of view prior to the closing statement.

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Jang, outlining your personal essay is a good idea. You will be able to pre- edit your ideas and position the topics for discussion in its proper paragraphs. Let me share some of my thoughts with you below:


- The future plans should be at the last part of the essay but before the conclusion.


- Highlight the part about living with international students. Relate it directly to your interest in hospitality management.

- I will be able to better judge this paragraph after I read what you want to say in the context of the essay prompt.


- Use Taekwondo only. This is the only activity you have that relates to discipline and leadership. This also demands you to achieve more than you thought you could.


- This is good but I need to know what the prompt will be so that I can advise you regarding the proper topics to discuss.

Undergraduate / The little boy- Stanford Supplement [8]

I think that regardless of the cliche, this essay stands on its own merits. But I think that instead of asking the question at the end, you should make it the opening zinger of your statement instead. Put it right up there as a personal quote. Then go into the discussion about the visit to your former home and your experience there. Let the reader know that this thought was constantly running through the back of your mind as you walked through the streets, seeing the debilitating conditions that your former neighbors were living in. Perhaps explain how you felt as you walked through the town, that will make your meeting the boy feel more dramatic and eye opening.


- Just something I caught here. You need to be specific in the statements that you write. The impact in this sentence was diminished by one missing word, "ME". The sentence should have read, "What matters most to me are the..." For more impact. By the way, if there is a way you can mention joining "Doctors Without Borders" in your statement, I think it will add some punch to it and lessen the cliche. Doctors Without Borders do charity work in the forgotten regions that you mentioned in the statement so I think that will make a good closing line for you.

Undergraduate / the children full of hope (COMMON APP ESSAY) [6]

godlover, this is a very good essay. The essence of the essay which is learning to trust only in yourself in order to find inner happiness is a strong one that everyone must learn to achieve. However, the lessons that you learned are mentioned only towards the middle and ending of the essay. In this sort of essay, it is always best to set an introduction to the topic or topics to be discussed early on, usually in the introduction of the essay.

So I would like to suggest that you try this. Write an introduction that talks about how you lived your life being disappointed by the person you should have been able to trust the most, your father, and how because of him you were unhappy most of your life. Then tell the reader that you came to this emotional conclusion on your 13th birthday etc., By adjusting the essay that way, the admission officer will be able to get a clearer idea of what to expect and what the essay will be talking about rather than waiting till almost the end to find out. Remember, admission officers only have a limited amount of time to read an essay. So you need to get that hook into the essay in order to keep him or her glued to the paper. By introducing the main themes early on, you may accomplish that.

I know that I am asking you to revise the paper in a major way but I truly believe that doing that will create a very strong foundation that can carry the rest of the paper to the very end. I hope you consider my suggestions seriously :-) I look forward to reading a revision if you do decide to write one ;-)

Undergraduate / The computer's world does not show its power until you start to understand it; Collage Application [4]

Sa1na, content wise, the essay is alright. So let's just work on cleaning up the grammar and sentence problems ok? Here are my tips:

The computer's world does not show its power until ...
No one but a programmer can understand this evolution comprehensibly . More you learn about this world, ...
... but a pleasing and relaxing hobby on which I enjoy to spend even my spare time.

- The more you learn about this world,the more eager you become to learn even more ... relaxing hobby that I enjoy doing even during my spare time.

After participating in numerous projects related to computer science and different competitions , I feel that nothing can seal me from flourishing in this world. A lucky person is who had found what in the world best fits them . This is my world, with which I trust I can make so many changes to make the globe a better place for all the human beings.

I have experienced a great deal of positions in different, sometimes even not related , fields before finding my real interest, and these understandings are what make my choice worthwhile, and are what ensure me of the validity of my choices.

- I feel that nothing can stop me...I am a lucky person who has found my niche in this world and I have no intention of leaving. ... sometimes unrelated fields... andit is because of these experiences that I realized that I made the right career choice for me.


- I believe that this paragraph can be better said another way. Here is my take on this paragraph:
It was at the 2013Iran Open when I first became extremely proud of becoming a programmer. I had to work with a Kinect sensor within a limited amount of time without any technical assistance or professor / trainer around to advise me. For anyone else it would have been an impossible situation but not for me. Using the LabView compiler, I was able to reprogram the sensor to do what the competition requirements dictated. I will admit I was a bit apprehensive at first but as as I became intensely involved in the task before me, I came to realize that I was accomplishing what was expected of me as a programmer. Indeed, I was a programmer and my accomplishment at the competition was the only proof I needed to silence any doubts I might have still had up to that time.

Here's hoping my suggestions work for you :-)

Undergraduate / 'being trapped within the confines of anxiety and fear' - UC Personal Statement [3]

foxysogirl, in addition to what Nicole has said, I would like to add that you can also try to reverse the content of your essay. Mention your ability to perceive people first and how that has helped you get ahead in life. Then go back and tell us how how you developed this uncanny ability through Self Mutism. You have a very interesting story to tell and it should be heard. But first, you need to develop that fantastic hook that will keep the admission officer glued to your essay. So don't forget to talk about how your sense of perception has kept you ahead of the pack socially and also kept other people wondering about that special thing about you that they just can't put a finger on. Work up the essay to make it seem like you are enigma to other people because of that ability that, thanks to self mutism, helped you throughout your life. Don't forget though, you have to explain the reasons why you decide to go mute for 6 years. Without that explanation, a gaping continuity error and lack of foundation will exist in your paper. Here's hoping my suggestions work for you :-) Good luck with the revision if you choose to do one. I know I'm going to look forward to reading it ;-)

Undergraduate / The trip to a football stadium turned out to be more than an exciting experience; Common app prompt [8]

CaptainCook,I agree with what TheRoy said, you can choose any place that you want, provided you frequent the place for a specific purpose. That of feeling happy, content, and complete. It can be any place nearby or far away. I have read essays where people have chose their minds as the place where they feel the most content and happy. I know that it seems unbelievable but it is true. Some people actually run away to a peaceful part of their minds when they want to feel inner peace. It is kind of finding a zen like place even when in a crowded and noisy area. So does it need to exist in real-time? Not exactly. It can be any place that you wish.

For example, you can use your mind as a unique place where you escape to. You can relate it to the trip to the stadium because you can explain that the stadium is a place where you escape to inside your mind. Explain how each time you remember the trip to the stadium, you feel content and happy because it was one of the best times of your life. Maybe you and your father bonded there. Or you discovered something new about yourself while watching the sport or talking to people. It can be that special place where you run to in your mind when you need to develop confidence or guts to do something you did not think you could do.

The above example is just one of the unique ways you can present a place when you feel comfortable and content. It also carries a very important meaning because your mind can take you anywhere you want to go as long as you have the imagination for it :-) I hope my suggestion helps.

Undergraduate / Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose.... [14]

RevtZ, there is a problem with your essay in the sense that the prompt asks you to pick only one other student to be with you in the tutorial class. You have chosen more than one student to be with you in the class. So you need to revise the essay by choosing between the two science greats. Choose the one who best aligns with your purpose and study and whose influence will most likely have the greatest effect upon you.

By choosing only one student, the prompt is asking you to expand upon your discussion by telling them what kind of influence that person will have upon you and how you hope your collaboration might rock the scientific world. This essay is all about your futuristic views in relation to past scientific principles. It is not about inspiration and what you can learn from whom. Although you will surely learn a great deal from all the men you mentioned, I am sure only one of them truly fits your imaginative futuristic view of what you wish to accomplish scientifically. So choose the student who will help you achieve the most in terms of changing the world of science.

There are also grammatical and sentence structures in the essay but we can overlook those for now in favor of developing the proper content of the essay. The words and thoughts will still change as you revise the paper so it is best to leave those corrections and revisions for later. I hope my suggestions help you. Good luck with your new version :-)

Scholarship / "From Gujarat to Georgia" - Biographical Essay for Questbridge [9]

Paku, sorry the delayed reply. I have been having internet issues over the past few days that have made my presence intermittent on the board. I was able to bring your word count down to 544. You have additional words to use in the conclusion relating to the scholarship now.

Undergraduate / "Progress and Service" what does that mean to you? [3]

CaptainCook, you need to tell us if this is a word or character limited essay because the essay you provided is too short. So we need to know the criteria we should use to review it. When considered in terms of being a word limited essay, the paper is acceptable enough in the sense that it offers a short common definition and a personal definition of the term. As a full length essay though, the paper is problematic.

The problem is that this paragraph only serves as an introduction with your thesis statement. It cannot be considered a full paper. Also, the topic of "progress" and "service" should have been discussed as individual paragraphs prior to being discussed in connection with one another. So if you need a full essay composed of at least 3-5 paragraphs and 250-300 words, your essay needs to a big-time revision. Otherwise, it is fine as it is :-)

Please load the criteria for the review of your statement at the soonest possible time so that we can do a better review of the content. We are looking forward to giving you a more accurate review very soon :-)

Undergraduate / The trip to a football stadium turned out to be more than an exciting experience; Common app prompt [8]

CaptainCook, you need to revise the essay. You used more than half the page describing your trip to London instead of describing the way you felt upon arrival in the football stadium. In fact, after having read your essay twice, I have come to the conclusion that you totally missed or did not understand the requirements of the prompt. What you described in the essay is your experience of watching the game in the football stadium which has nothing to do with the place or environment where you feel content, your experience there, and its meaning to you.

Your essay vividly describes your experience going to the football stadium and what watching the game was like. It was an overall experience that you described. There was nothing in the essay that told me that you went to this place numerous times and always had the same feeling of contentment there. There was no real personal connection between you and the stadium that you visited only once in your life.

The best places to use for this type of essay should be a place more local that you frequent. Any place from your house,bedroom, a garden, park, local playground, library, gym, or any other place that you frequent in order to find a sense of calm, inner peace, or just to sort out your thoughts. I am sure there is a place or two in KL that you frequent wherein you feel these sentiments. I suggest you use those for a more connected and familiar feel to the way you write the essay.

In this essay, you sounded more like a tourist describing his first trip abroad and the places he visited there. Nothing more. That is not what the prompt requires. So you need to consider another place that you can use as the setting of your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- celebrities set a bad example to young people? [2]

Sam, while your paper does have grammar errors, we can't begin to fix those until you have perfected the content of your paper. So I will offer comments below to help you improve the content and correct the errors of your paper. The grammar can follow after.


- Sam, your introductory paragraph does not follow the essay writing rules. You need to restate or rephrase the essay prompt in the form of a discussion sentence, then offer your stand on the issue. You need to briefly mention the facts and supporting evidences that you will be discussing in the essay. The way you have your introduction right now does not follow that format and is therefore weak.

-Your first and second reasons should be discussed as two separate paragraphs because you are talking about two different topic sentences. You should never merge the two into a single paragraph. One topic sentence per paragraph. That helps keeps the reader on track while reading your paper.

- "The celebrities are famous for." Famous for what? You what is that sentence trying to convey? You mention famous people, offer examples of celebrities who are good and bad examples to set the tone for your comparison.


- Use "On the other hand" or " However", you cannot use both as words connote the same meaning. Bill Gates is not a celebrity in the sense that the word connotes in this essay. He is a noted businessman. Use someone else as an example, Perhaps JayZ or Madonna, Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus would be good examples to use.


- You concluded without ever giving your personal opinion. The essay clearly asked you to agree or disagree to a certain extent with the statement. Where is it? I think you need to revisit the way you wrote the essay in order to fall in line with the requirements of the prompt.

Writing Feedback / "A little love, a little pain, a little work then it's all over" - DEATH [4]

If this is supposed to be a narrative essay, why did you write it in poetry format? The format is all wrong and makes it difficult to read.If you want to write a flash forward essay, you should be writing it from the point of view of welcoming and hoping to attain death. Mention the things that will exist for you upon death. No more pain, no more problems, no more need to work, no need to be responsible for yourself or anybody, no deadlines, no pressures, nothing to make you feel stressed. You can finally relax and bask in the infinite sleep that you so look forward to attaining. Or something along those lines.

When you write about things that you will miss, you will be writing a flashback. Avoid mentioning those at all costs. The main theme of the flash forward essay is to look ahead to the future. So you need to write about the topic using a hopeful outlook. Consider the task similar to being asked the question "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?". In this case, the question you need to answer is "What is it about death that you are looking forward to?". Answer the question in essay form and you are done :-)

Scholarship / The pain and struggles in life is what develops a true experienced successful person!- Questbridge [5]

Okay, first up, I noticed you used two quotes for the paper this time. You need to pick one, all encompassing quote to use to describe your life, situation, and personality. This won't be as hard as you think. Just Google relevant passages and choose one. After you have chosen one, just one quote, I want you to sit down and think of all the important life events that you have had which are relevant to the passage you chose. You will come up with a lot of ideas and situations that you will want to use. Pick the top 3. After you pick the top 3, brainstorm and outline the content that you want to discuss regarding those 3 topics. Just list it down. Then, examine the outline for any possible changes or additions. Now, you are ready to write the draft version of your autobiographical essay. Expand upon the top 3 topics, developing each idea using the outline that you created for the content. By the end of this process, you should have a well thought out and developed autobiographical essay.

Your current essay is alright but the use of 2 different quotes makes 2 different autobiographical essays appear before the reader. What you need to do is present a concise and well developed essay that talks about you. Don't rely so much on quotes to set the stage for your essay. You can do this without those. If you prefer to use it though, then go ahead. I must just repeat that you use only quote to do the job.

I hope my advice continues to help you :-)

Undergraduate / Many applicants to college are unsure about eventual majors. What factors led you to your interest? [6]

It would help if you tell us what the word limit is so that we can better help you analyze and revise the essay. Any chance you can let us know what the word count is at this point? All I can offer for now is an overview of the essay with some revisions to shorten the length. There are some sentences that are too long for the paragraph so I am making some suggested versions of the sentences to help streamline the paper.


- My interest in science steams from a desire to think about unique problem solutions in relation to computer programming and logic


- I've been studying all things computer related relentlessly so I am quite proud and confident about my knowledge in the field. I know that studying computers will offer me infinite learning possibilities and will always allow me to create a new computer programs that will help advance the field.


- I have learned ...

Overall, this is a very solid short statement. I hope my suggestions help. Good luck with your application :-)

Undergraduate / Two short personal statements: one based on diversity, the other based on growth. Which is better? [7]

Having read your previous thread on the same topic, I decided to read these versions for comparison purposes. Having done that, I need to tell you that I have changed my stand on the matter. In this particular instance, I would ask you to submit your first option for the essay. The reason is because I find the accomplishment in this essay to be a very important one that truly reflects the kind of joy and satisfaction that you get from helping others, tutoring them, or teaching them directly. I just have to know, are you applying to educational school? You sound like you are going to become a teacher in the future from the narratives that you have been using.

While the second option shows why you will become an asset to the academic community, the first one shows how you are already an asset to other people by becoming a part of their lives. You have shown your ability to help those in need successfully and that your accomplishments in this regard is always something that you share in common with others. Therefore, this essay answers both prompts all at once in my opinion :-)

That said, I strongly recommend that you submit the first option for your school application. It is the best shot you have at being considered for admission. Good luck with whichever version you finally decide to submit :-)