Undergraduate / Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose.... [14]

Let me just help you clean up this last part of the essay and it will be good to go :-)

- Tesla and I thrive on challenges. If we didn't , we would not be students of science. That said, we would thrive on our friendly competition and continuously challenge each other to achieve higher, bigger, and better things in the scientific field. We will learn from each other because we will constantly share our triumphs and failures with one another, learning from and helping each other every step of the way. We will have a friendship and partnership that will exist long after our graduation. Even if we begin to create new individual professional networks in our field of work, we will always be available to help and lean on each other when needed because of our deeply rooted friendship.Regardless of our future achievements, we would always be, first and foremost, friends and then colleagues.

How does that my version of the closing statement sound to you? Feel free to use any part or all of it if you wish to :-)

Undergraduate / 'emulate every aspect of my mother' - UC Personal Statement: the world I come from [6]

You are right that you centered too much on your mother. I was however, able to find a specific paragraph that we can use to describe the world that you came from that still includes the influence of your mother but not in a very major way. I have quoted the passage below:


You need to reword this portion to become the whole essay. Explain how your mother was the only relative you have always had and that you spent your time with her at the market. Then explain about how your exposure to the market with your mother exposed you to dirty marketing tactics and how you the reality that you cannot trust all people to treat you fairly and how that experience has been with you all your life.Explain how it affected your mindset and other aspects of your life as you were growing. Helping to shape and mold the person that you have become. Do you think you can work with this suggestion? I am sure we can strengthen it further once you make a new rough draft. Just make sure you have enough material to work with in case we need to add information to your paper :-)

Writing Feedback / Being a celebrity surely has some benefits but it also puts their lives in danger or other troubles [3]

jagsparrow, your ideas are good, it just needs to be expressed in a better way. I made some suggestions regarding those problems below for your consideration :-)

- Celebrities have... They make obscene amounts of money through product endorsements, their own line of products, and their professional work as actors, athletes, businessmen, and the like. They are paid millions of dollars because of who they are and what they represent, the luxurious life. They translate their endorsements and the money they earn into their enviable lifestyle that brings them seemingly unending happiness and contentment. That is where the problems for them also lies.

- Your first statement should be only contradicted in your second statement. That is your opposing view. Remember, money is what makes them happy, so money is also what will bring them more problems and eventual unhappiness. I am making a suggestion for the proper follow up statement below:

- Celebrities have also been known to spend money as fast as they can earn it because of their extremely expensive lifestyles. So they do not always have money saved up for the day when their career wanes and nobody wants them for their movies or endorsements anymore. They go back to being a nobody with nothing to show for all their hard word. This becomes a problem for them as they begin to deal with real life problems such as debt management and lack of insurance or savings.

Then you can conclude the essay this way:

Celebrities live the lifestyle we can only dream of. But they also have the problems we would never want to have when the ride is over for them. It is for the aforementioned reasons that I believe that being a celebrity has equal benefits and problems for the person.

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]


Jang, owing to the experiences that you have had in life, I would rather that you discuss this essay using this particular prompt. As I mentioned before, your family going into bankruptcy will definitely fall within the parameters of this essay. Using this prompt, we will be able to develop your character traits fully and also show other facets of your personality that will help to define your identity.

We can use all the aspects you presented previously in discussing this essay. Everything from your having to put your semester abroad on hold to your finally making it abroad as a student, your brother's desire to do the same, and your desire to give back. Most importantly, we will be able to show how you helped your family out during this crisis and the lessons that you learned from this very low point in your life.

Don't be afraid to open up in this essay. This is about your journey from being a child to an adult because of the life situation you found yourself in. Try to write less about your family and more about your reaction to the situation and what you did to help the family. If you were angry, talk about it. If you then felt you needed to help, explain why. Then tell us what you did to help. How did you feel after that?

Those are just some guide questions I can offer you to help you discuss this prompt in the proper manner. I'm looking forward to your 102nd draft :-)

Writing Feedback / The benefits of nuclear technology far outweigh the disadvantages. Do you agree or disagree? [8]

William, some notes for you to consider :-)


- ... I have to agree with the statement that the advantages of nuclear technology far outweigh its disadvantages. This paper will look into the pros and cons of nuclear technology while also providing my own reasons supporting my point of view.

[quote=william731]Your discussion about the nuclear power plant is also good but could have been further strengthened by an explanation as to why Japan continues to use nuclear power even after their nuclear accidents.

I reached the end of your essay and I did not read your opinion on the matter. Where is it? You need to present your opinion because it is a requirement of the prompt. Please do that so that we can better review the content of your paper :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Your teacher said that because you spoke too much about the challenges your parents went through and then included your brother's own quest for education at the end. So it did not really concentrate solely on your development as a person. That is why I told you that you need to write this as a coming of age essay based upon an economic challenge that your family faced. We need to focus the essay on you and what you did during this time. I am sure you had to so some things to help the family survive during this time. Discuss it. Tell us the lessons that you learned from the experience. This is what shows us your personality, character traits, and development or transition, from child to adult. By doing so, we will get a clearer idea of who you are today.

Your identity is who you are as a person apart from your family, friends, and colleagues. This is the person you became because of your experiences and circumstances in life. An identity is something that tells people who you are after having spent time with you. It is this identity that is the most difficult to put on paper unless you have the proper school prompt in front of you. The identity that you will present to the school actually depends upon what they want to know about you. Since you will be using this essay for 2 schools, I assume that the prompt we are using to create the essay for you are the prompts from the schools? If not, you will need to get the prompts in order to deliver what they need from you.

Undergraduate / I am many things and Black is one of them - Personal Statement for UT Austin; Essay A [3]

Texasbreed, I once heard these words spoken on a television program "I want my family to be black, not blackish." That is exactly how I felt reading your paper. That is the image that I saw of you in my mind, you are black, but you are mostly white owing to your experiences in life. So, my suggestion would be to use the quote I mentioned earlier as the basis for your personal statement with regards to your majoring in African American Studies.

Let's face it, you were a black person in a white school. So that alone sets up the stage for a very emotional and compelling awakening for you. You were caught in a world that was neither black or white. You acted white and were bullied for it. You acted black but did not understand what it meant to be black. So you are one of the lost generation, You need to discuss this essay from that point of view.

Explain how majoring in African American Studies after being caught in a racial limbo will finally help you understand where you came from and will help you understand where you are headed in the future. It is important that the admission officer understand and feel the importance of this major to you by connecting your life story to your choice of majors.

Right off the bat you should let the reader know that this all about connecting with a culture that you should have known as a child but to this very day understand very little about. This will be unique aspect of your personal and academic background that relate to your chosen major. I believe that by doing this, you will be able to strengthen the statement and deliver the emotional and personal connection that it needs with your major.

Scholarship / 'I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth' - SEMESTER AT SEA PRESIDENTIAL SCHOLARSHIP [5]

Your uncle's version is much more direct to the point and in line with the prompt. He answered the question about your personal traits that you would like to develop in order to become an effective leader. I believe that you should submit his essay instead because of the way that is speaks highly about the character traits that a leader should have and that you would like to have an develop in order to become a future leader yourself.

I can however, understand if you feel that you uncle's version is not in the tone of voice that you would write the essay in. So here is what I suggest. Rewrite what your uncle said. That way you will be able to use his thoughts but your voice in the essay. Try to see how you can use his words to enhance what you have to say. Say everything in your own way though. Just use his version as the basis for content. By doing this, you will have solved the problem of content and portraying your voice in the essay.

Try it out and see if it works for you. If you have any doubts about your version, based upon your uncle's writing, you know we are all here to help you out :-)

Writing Feedback / Educational Inequality Essay - UT Austin Essay E [4]

Your essay, while based on a very solid and relevant topic, just has a disconnected feel to it. It is almost as if you took a textbook source and decided to base your whole essay around that. I did not get any sense of your connection to the topic you chose to discuss on a personal level. It is superficial in the sense that you cite too much of other people's point of view, textbook data, and other people's experiences but not the main reason why you feel that this is something close to your heart and of great importance to you.

Throughout the essay you constantly speak of how lucky you are to have received this and that and you realized this and that but you never once said you wanted to do something about it and how you would do it. That would show the importance of the topic you are discussing to you. Perhaps it is because you chose to speak of educational inequality when you did not actually experience it. You said so yourself, you went to one of the best schools in the state. You never had to actually spend a year or two in the public educational system that those underprivileged kids had to attend. So you are talking about everything from a distanced point of view. This is why your essay lacks a personal connection to the topic. The content of the essay is much too wordy but does not really deliver the kind of impact that it should. You speak about your mother being an educator but you did not tell us if you learned anything about educational inequality from her.

What I am trying to tell you is this. You need to write the essay based upon personal experience. Your advocacy in life is what is important to you. What is that advocacy? Reflect upon your volunteer activities or any other extra curricular stuff that you do that is not related to school work but is very important to you. Once you figure out what that is and you write it down, you will then be able to create an essay that reflects your thoughts on a topic that is truly important to you. Only then will you be able to write about a topic that is of great importance to you, your family, your community, or your generation.

I know that this is not the advice that you want to hear but I wanted to tell you about it just in case you are open to considering changing the topic of your essay. It's just a suggestion, the final decision is of course, yours to make :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Jang, you actually have some very good themes going on in this essay. I can see the lessons you learned from resiliency, patience, ambition, and paying back a debt of gratitude. They all combined to create a very interesting tale of growing up and learning to take charge of your life. So I suggest that you revise the essay to reflect that as the main point. Let us know that this will be a coming of age story that is many years in the making.

Start with the lessons you learned when your family went bankrupt. Then having to rebuild your lives and putting your dream of coming to America for studies on hold. But don't make this part too long, Keep it short because we still need to tell the reader that you eventually got your dream thanks to your father. Then discuss the lessons you learned in America and how it helped shape your point of view about life, family, ambition, etc.

Now we come to the heavy stuff. Having to face the reality that your ambition to attend college in the United States will not come true unless you make it happen for yourself. This is the time to show how you have matured as a person by discussing how you put your brother ahead this time but resolved not to put your dreams on hold either. Explain the new found maturity this current situation has given you and how you know that you are ready for anything else the world decides to throw at you in terms of obstacles.

I am sure that you will find a way to rework your above essay into the format that I suggest. Just consider it and look it over as a second version. You can decide which one you prefer to use :-)

Undergraduate / Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose.... [14]

Just a few corrections and maybe a suggestion here and there :-) Don't get me wrong, the paper has developed to the point where you can actually use this already if you want to.


- He will bethe "Mad...


- I will boost him withmy strong...


- ... a whole processtha t would eventually...


- related to nuclear...


- Our plan will be make nuclear energy cheaper and safer, thus making it more safer, economical and common for household use specially in the regions of the world experiencing energy shortages.

- This speaks of the man that Tesla became. Not Tesla the student. The essay asks you to consider Tesla as a fellow student so this paragraph is misplaced.

Undergraduate / The Me I am Today - Common App; background or story of an international student [11]

Silverw, you have improved the essay a great deal. However, I still have some corrections and suggestions to make for your further consideration :-)

- I have learned that... " you respond is seen as..."


- Bullying was a part of my childhood. ... may similar things with them so I was confused as to why...
- We already established that the bullying was a part of your childhood. There is no need to mention an age anymore.

- How did you discover writing as a channel to release your anger about bullying? You should relate this to the voice that you found through writing. How did you feel the first time you wrote about what was troubling you?


- Your guidance counselors support should be a separate paragraph but they are irrelevant to the topic being discussed at this point so I advise you to completely omit that topic instead.


- Could you talk more about the closure that you received by befriending and receiving apologies from the bullies? That will make the conclusion happier and softer yet notable in impact :-)

Graduate / Concept of being able to make the human body move with the most precision possible; entrance essay [2]

- This is a strong introduction. It fully explains your familiarity with the science of human movement and is a logical career step for an athlete.


- Mention some injuries that you personally sustained during training or competitions that helped you become familiar and fascinated with the sports performance laboratories. Relate your injuries and the rehabilitation you received towards your enlightenment that this career is for you. Explain some of the plans that you developed while being rehabilitated yourself.


- I believe that your essay would better benefit from a discussion of how you plan to further advance sports medicine in the future in your capacity as a physical therapist. This will show your lofty goals and ambitions that will be the driving force behind your academic accomplishments and achievements as a physical therapy student.


- This is good plan for your future that will be noted by the admission officer for sure. However, you need to relate that future plan with your current goal. Explain how this step will be essential in helping you achieve your higher goal of becoming a specialist. That will make for a solid conclusion to your personal statement and bring your plans for your future and embodiment of the school vision full circle.

Writing Feedback / "Language helps teenagers navigate their comprehension of potential career paths" [3]


Ominous, there are a number of ways that you can discuss this essay. For your outline, I suggest that you introduce the topic as a historical, current, and future look at the way language has and will impact our world. For the body, you can discuss the basis of language development in childhood. That of the baby babbling kind all the way to saying your first word. Explain how this language impacted your relationship with your family. The baby talk is something that your parents will enjoy reliving with you and will make for an interesting example in the essay.

You can then proceed to discuss the types of formal languages a person needs to learn throughout life. From the grammar we learn in grade, middle, and high school, all the way to college where we learn field specific languages and discussions. In this part, you can include a historical look at the evolution of language. Probably throwing in some professional opinions about the way language has changed over time and how it might continue to change in the future.

Finally, you can present your own opinion on the matter, drawing upon your readings and personal experience to academically discuss the prompt. Don't forget to develop a strong conclusion that will help close the essay.

These are just some ideas I have to help you with your outline. I hope it helps you develop your essay :-) We are always here to help.

Writing Feedback / REED's ROME; the first time I ever... [3]

andre, it would really help us in reviewing your essay if you provided the prompt for this essay. That way we can tell the degree of informality allowed within the essay. You see, this is an informal essay and not an academic one so it alright to make it sound like you are talking to a friend, within certain parameters. Those parameters are usually contained within the essay prompt. That said, here is my take on your essay in its current form. I'll be restating some of your sentences to give it a more formal feel since that is what I think you are after :-)

- I guess I cried because I came to the rude realization that simply gliding along as an average student in middle school was not really the achievement I thought it was. High school had a totally different set of rules when it came to academics and this time, I could not simply "wing it" in order to pass my classes. Classes such as Algebra 2 showed me that I did not know anything about numbers and the rules of math. In hindsight, failing Algebra may have seemed like the end of the world to me back then, but now I understand that my failure to pass that class actually saved me by teaching me how to become a better student. By learning that it takes courage to ask questions and that questions, no matter how hard must be asked.

- Don't talk about whether you will be accepted or not into the program. That is a defeatist attitude that does not have a place in an application essay.


- I think that this story should somehow integrate into your first time introductory paragraph. This is actually the foundation of the first time you failed. So it does not belong in a 2nd paragraph. Can you blend this into the first one somehow?

- The paragraph about your failing chemistry and other classes is irrelevant at this point because you already established that you felt like a failure in math. Then you met My Koski, who helped you discover the need to ask questions and learn about math. Concentrate more on developing this point. It is highly important to enhancing the content of your paper. This shows how you turned your failure into an eventual success, which I believe is the expectation of this essay, to see how you overcome failure the first time. Am I right?

Undergraduate / ApplyTexas Essay B - Circumstance / Conflict In My Life [4]

- When you say the three musketeers, you mean your sisters all share the same interests and you were not allowed to join them even though you had the same interests as they.. So you were D'artagnan, the unofficial musketeer in this scenario? That does not sound like the way described this. You sounded more like you were describing your sisters with individual interests and each of them refused to let you into their specific worlds. Perhaps the musketeers would not be the best way to describe them?

- To quench means to finally remove the thirst or dry sensation. That is not what happened to you. I suggest you use the word defeated instead.

- Bring this up to the first paragraph. Place it at the end of the last sentence so that this can serve as your transition sentence into the next paragraph.


- Notorious has a negative connotation. Just because a class is more often enjoyed by men does not make it a bad thing for women to join. Perhaps using the term "known" in place of notorious would put a more positive spin on your predicament.



- ... there were only ...

- You should already be discussing the method by which you overcame your desire to drop out of the class. Explain how the computer studies helped you find a place to belong. Right now, you are telling us a lot of things, but nothing that shows how your activity helped you overcome your obstacle of finding a place in this world or in school.

- This is a strong closing statement. I suggest you keep it without changes as the final message of your essay :-)

Grammar, Usage / Another way to paraphrase the word "tuition" in "tuition fee" [4]

Tienin, it sounds like you in dire need of a thesaurus. Another way of saying tuition fee is "matriculation fee". Basically, the word "matriculation" means to pay to add add yourself or a name to a list or to enroll in a class, such as college, wherein you will earn a degree or certificate at the end of your enrollment. A matriculate is a student who is enrolled in the college or university. So when people ask "Where did you matriculate from?" they are asking which university you had your name added to a list of students to. In other words, where you enrolled. Matriculation is the formal term for tuition fee and is normally used in Scotland and Britain. Tuition fee is normally used in the United States. It is just a matter of semantics.

It would be best for you to do a review of the words that you may commonly use in your essay test using a thesaurus. the online version would perhaps be best as you can download it to your tablet or android device and review anywhere. The thesaurus is like a dictionary of different ways to say one word. All you need to know is the basic word that you want to use and look it up. Beware though, sometimes, using a different word just to avoid redundancy could totally change the meaning of your sentence. So I would suggest that you use a thesaurus along with a dictionary just to be safe :-) Look up the other way to say a word then make sure that the meaning will not change your sentence in the dictionary :-)

Writing Feedback / 'health is a primary need' - alternative forms of medicine [8]

Wirawi, your essay is quite good. It looks at the major sides of the issue and you discuss it to the extent of your knowledge. I have some suggestions to make regarding content and grammar though. I will list is below for your reference :-)


- Prior to stating your position, you should have paraphrased the prompt first. That would have made the introductory statement a solid piece of writing.
- Misuse of alternative forms of ...


- ... may be one of... several factors affecting this trend...sometimes they just take medications based upon referrals from other people ... factor is the cost of the ... Lower income people buy alternative medicines because that is what they can afford.


- ... the need for adequate healthcare is ... be healthy and heal their illnesses . This situation is what drives people to see either a doctor or alternative healthcare doctor. If they don't have money for a real doctor, then they don't have money for real medicines either. So they make the choice to use alternatives instead.


- I think you need to explain this statement further in support of your aforementioned paragraph. Merge the two contents in order to develop a stronger paragraph.


- You need to restate the prompt and your point of view in the conclusion. A revision is in order for this part so I will not advice you about correcting any part of this yet. I will wait to see what your revised conclusion might be before I give you advice.

Writing Feedback / {TOEFL} Attending boys and girls in a same school would bring many advantages [2]

It is refreshing to read an essay that talks about the issue of sending boys and girls to separate schools or not on the terms of social adjustment instead of expert point of views about learning and the like. This take of yours shows the issue from what I consider to be a new perspective and thus, made the essay highly interesting to read. However, after reading the whole essay, I realized that while your argument is quite strong, it weakens because you did not develop the opposing argument as strongly as your personal point of view. You practically just skimmed over the opposing view, not really giving it enough attention or ample time to discuss in the paper.

By neglecting the opposing argument, the essay lost its balanced perspective. Your defense of your stance could have been made stronger by the discussion that you could have had pertaining to the side that does not share your point of view. If you do not have a word limit or if you have not reached the word limit yet, I would suggest that you further develop the essay in order to further develop your point of view. Don't be afraid to tear down the reasons of the opposing side. That is what an opinion essay is all about.

Remember for every agreeing opinion, there is a disagreeing one. One side is not more important than the other. Each side carries equal weight when it comes to an informative discussion. Therefore, both sides must be represented in your essay.

Writing Feedback / The benefits of nuclear technology far outweigh the disadvantages. Do you agree or disagree? [8]


- William, the introduction is incomplete because you forgot to provide your agreement or disagreement with the restated prompt. Your opinion was to serve as the thesis statement for your paper. You need to revise this paragraph otherwise you will not have have followed the prompt requirements.


- Is this your personal opinion on the matter? Is this your disagreement?


- You could have combined these two paragraphs into one since the topics it discusses are connected. I suggest you do that. Also, sorry for being so repetitive, but you really need to let us know at the very start where you agree or disagree with the prompt. Reading the essay and not knowing where you stand leaves the reader wondering about that.


- It is against the rules of essay writing for the writer to introduce a new idea in his concluding paragraph. So I suggest you remove the part about radiation leakage. That was you will simply have summarized your facts in the conclusion, which by the way, is still missing your opinion on the matter.

Writing Feedback / Critique essay about pro death penalty [2]

The essay topic is high interesting and controversial. I just have a question about the in-text citation, what format should it be in? It will be difficult to tell if you quoted your sources properly without knowing the essay format you were required to us. Can you tell us what it is? Regardless of the in-text citation format, I have to comment you for having done your homework regarding the facts about the history of the death penalty and a lot more. All of the information you provided created a very informative essay. However, there are some grammatical errors that need to be corrected in order to create a more seamless reading experience for your reader. Let me offer some suggestions regarding how to do this.


- ... with the start of civilized... He created the... capital punishment still exists in our... for why capital punishment is a necessary component... it is right to say that that if an offender... innocent person whose life was abruptly... who violated the lives of...capital punishment is necessary in society for reasons... sanctity of life. ... W hether... by ending a life .


- As human beings, regardless of religious beliefs, we all grow up following a moral compass as a guiding rule. This is based upon the Golden Rule that states...Why should a rapist or murderer be allowed to escape the death penalty when they enjoyed watching their victims suffer? Why should their death be considered inhumane when their actions were tantamount to that of wild animals? the death of the perpetrator would bring justice to the victim and help his or her family gain closure with regards to their tragic loss... However retribution is not fueled by malice. Revenge is personal. Retribution is something totally indifferent... (you paraphrased in this part)

[quote=cpdphilippe If the victims of these heinous crimes can suffer painful deaths why is it wrong for the offender to suffer the same fate?[/quote]- Think about those times when a heinous...

This is an excellent paper. I know that you could have gone on and on about the discussion from both sides of the fence but I am glad that you stopped it at the point that you did. However, you should not end the essay with a question. You never end an essay with a question. End it with a strong statement of support for your opinion instead.

Essays / 'just completed my Bachelors with honors in Electronics' - SOP for MS Computer Engineering [4]

Adnan, as a fresh graduate, you will still be at a disadvantage when applying for a masters degree. This is due to the fact that you are not yet sure what direction your career should be headed in. Normally, writing the statement of purpose comes with the experience you have had on the job. Having worked for a number of years on the job and possibly receiving a few promotions along the way, shows you your future career path. In order to follow that path, you will need a masters degree. At this point, I am not sure if you even know what your purpose for higher academic learning will be. But let me try to guide you regarding the content of an SOP.

First of all, you will need to have a clear career path in mind. That is because the masters course you will be enrolling in is something that you know you need to learn in order to get ahead in your job market. Make sure that you have career experience to mention, even if it is only an internship, related to the course you graduated from and the masters that you will be studying.

Second, it is important that you know what you plan to accomplish in your field of expertise in the future. You can then relate those plans to your purpose for the masters degree. It is normally assumed that you are seeking higher studies because you will be accomplishing more complicated tasks in the future.

Finally, you need to be able to imagine how the masters degree will help you develop further as a person, innovator, and thinker in the future. A masters degree is all about looking towards the future of your career. These definite plans and the position promotion chain in your field that often dictate the purpose for your higher studies.

Once you come up with an outline that covers these basic reasons for your SOP, we just might be able to help you draft a solid SOP as a fresh graduate :-)

Scholarship / 'I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth' - SEMESTER AT SEA PRESIDENTIAL SCHOLARSHIP [5]

It seems to me that you have written a very detailed essay relating to your scholarship application. The fact that you are using images to emphasis your essay shows that you have thoroughly considered all aspects of the application and have done your best to meet the criteria provided. When one analyzes the content of the essay it becomes obvious that you followed the instructions down to the minutest detail. I believe the previous comment you received relates to the way that you seem to have a number of project ideas that you plan to do while at sea. I think he was expecting you to concentrate on a single project for the whole semester instead. I think that your project,due to its variety and complexity, will be something that you and the participants will enjoy engaging in during the semester.

In my opinion, you should go ahead and take a chance with this essay, submit it and see where it takes you. You will never really know the kind of effect the essay will have on your application until you submit it. Don't try to second guess yourself. You still have the same chance of being either accepted or rejected by the scholarship regardless of the kind of essay you submit. You never know what they are looking for in a participant. So your application comes with a risk. There is no surefire essay that will win you a slot on the ship. There is only an essay that might help secure a slot. Nothing is definite. Take the chance. Otherwise you will always wonder about what might have been.

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]


- Jang, the decision regarding the topic to use is really up to you. I can only guide you during the writing process. The CPR project sounds more relevant to the 2nd prompt which deals with your activities while you were away from school. I don't really see a way to make this topic fit the first prompt unless you were a hero who saved the life of a drown victim or something. If you can think of a way to make it work with the first prompt as well then go for it. I will be here to assist you every step of the way :-) Don't be afraid to take risks, you never know what you might learn from it. So why not try writing both prompts with the same topic? Let's try to polish both and see which one you will choose in the end? How does that sound to you?

- I want you to consider something else though, how does CPR relate to the major you are applying for? The reason I ask this is because everything that you discuss in your essays should go back to your choice of major. This is the best way to build up your image as a student at the university for their consideration. If it were up to me, I would pick essay topics that can highlight my skills in relation to my chosen major. Of course you are free to do it your own way too. Whatever way you choose is best. I'll just provide the assistance that you need in finalizing the paper :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Jang, either of the the two prompts can be used for your essay. If you are considering using the first prompt, we will need to discuss the circumstances surrounding the family financial crisis and how it directly related to you. How you reacted to it and how you helped your family overcome it would show a sense a maturity that you received not from school but from having to overcome adversity in your life. For those types of prompts, anything that shows a deep or life changing experience on your part would be best. For the second prompt, should you choose to use it, you will need to discuss something relevant that shows continued education and character development. Something along the lines of taking a semester abroad building houses in Botswana or building water systems in India. It needs to be insightful and relevant to our society in order to make an impact. After all, you took time off from school, you better have done something productive during that time away from formal academic learning. Remember though, not all learning can be done in the classroom. That kind of essay would be your chance to show what you learned from the "school or real life". Whichever prompt you decide to use, we are all here to help you out :-)

Writing Feedback / Computer make us more productive or less happy and more stupid? [4]

Kajuthapa, There are a number of errors in your essay that need to be corrected. Kindly refer to my suggestions below:


- While you present some very good points in this paragraph, it would be advisable for you to restate the thesis prompt prior to your point of view on the issue. That way the reader has an idea about what the discussion will be about and where the talk stems from.Actually, this is the only part of your previous paragraph that fits as the introduction to the essay. The succeeding paragraph should have been a part of the body.

The body of your essay lacks development and only deals with one portion of the prompt. The part about making us more productive. You could have lengthened and strengthened your discussion by also tacking the second and third part about becoming less happy and more stupid. By discussing all three aspects, you will be able to present your position about computers being invented to make our lives easier and also counter the argument by saying that in the process of making us more productive, computers have also made people happier and more intelligent due to the ease of access to information.

Those are just some of my suggestions that I feel can help improve the over all content of your essay. While I could correct the grammar errors for you now, I always point out the problems with the body of the essay first and opt to correct that first because your grammar errors may lessen or increase depending upon how you revise the essay :-) I am looking forward to reading your revised essay if you choose to show us a new version :-)

Undergraduate / The Me I am Today - Common App; background or story of an international student [11]

- So, who were the Daleks in your life? What did they do to you or how did you act in a way that always provoked them? When you use a quote as strong as the one above, you need to follow it up with a personification in your own life. Otherwise the reader is left wondering about what you are trying to tell or describe to us.


- Did all of these accomplishments on your end help to end or at least ease the bullying you were experiencing? How would you relate this back to the quote that you wrote? Remember, your quote becomes the central basis for the theme and content of your essay. So every portion has to have a relationship, direct or otherwise to what you stated.


- So writing helped to end the bullying? When did you realize that you had finally stopped provoking them? If this is a story about overcoming bullying, then you should mention some important aspects about your experience that led to your realization and love for writing.

Undergraduate / Technology Addiction - University of North Carolina [2]

Dubby, you have created a very interesting essay here. It is a discussion about a theme that is very timely and truly is considered a great concern among educators and social scientists. I cannot find any fault with it content wise because you managed to cover all of the bases. From the concerns of the previous generation about the lack of human interaction in the new generation, all the way to the social problems that are slowly arising from the rampant use of anti-real time social technology, you have developed a very well thought out, outlined, and discussed paper. Even more important, is that you were able to cohesively present your thoughts within the word limit. Don't change anything in this paper. It is something you should be proud of and should submit with honor.

If I may suggest though, try to divide the topics into paragraphs without adding any new information so that you can stay within the word limit. This would make it easier for the reader to scan the paper and let them know when to expect some new information. It will make the paper look less cluttered :-)

Graduate / 'we give people their life back' - Physical therapy Grad School Essay [2]

Hohl, while you spoke at great length about your experience as a team captain, working with the team, your team wins and championships, even your injuries and how it opened your eyes to the important of physical therapy, you were not really able to explain how you would embody the mission and vision of the school once you become a physical therapist. You were not able to answer the prompt in any way. This is they key portion of the prompt that you had to answer:


Rather than discussing your past achievements leading to your decision to become a physical therapist, you should have been discussing your plans for the future. This is a future look or flash forward essay. Not a reflection or backward look paper. You need to answer the essay in terms of where you see your career in say 2 years and how you will have, by then, embodied the motto of the school in the performance of your duties. That is what the prompt is asking you to discuss and that is what is missing from this current version of the essay.

That is why I will strongly advise you to rewrite this essay to more closely align with the prompt. You need to do that in order to make this essay acceptable for submission to your university of choice. In its current form, it just does not apply and does not deliver what is expected of you. Good luck with your revision :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Jang, if there is one thing that is very difficult to do when applying to colleges and universities, it is trying to write a single essay that will fit the requirements of all the academic institutions you are applying to. Each institution has a specific set of requirements for their applications to comply with when writing essays. So while I applaud your outlining your thoughts in an effort to write a generic essay, it is just impossible to do that. Instead, I would suggest that you use the outline as the template for your essay based upon the requirements of the school you are applying to. At least you already know how you will format the paper depending upon the essay requirements. That is one less worry for you. However, if the universities you are applying to do not require a personal statement, then don't submit one. That will go unread because it is not part of the requirements that they listed. Instead, I would rather that you concentrate on developing a scholarship essay that you can use for a majority of financial aid applications. Scholarship requirements are almost uniform and the essays they require are similar to one another so you can generate a generic application essay to a certain degree. It will still require adjustments depending upon the demands of the scholarship.

I cannot point out what parts of your outline would diminish your chances at this point because I am not privy to which scholarship foundation you are applying to and what their requirements are. Your outline will only help us pick out which portions should be included in the essay, not which ones we should take out. So try to apply for a specific scholarship, write the personal essay and then upload it here. Then we can try to figure out how to make your essay stringer and what parts we will have to take out :-)

Undergraduate / Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose.... [14]

RevtZ, I am making a few suggestions below for your consideration :-)


- I envision my tutorial class at Williams to include Nikolai Tesla whose curiosity, analytical mind, and creativity continues to influence the scientific and technological minds of today. I envision my class being at the forefront of scientific excellence at the school and would therefore, include such a great mind as a student who at the time, would also be pursuing an education leading him to future scientific breakthroughs.

- Tesla would be the perfect addition to my class in my opinion because he is a person who has been perceived to have a scientific mind that thrives on asking questions, speculating, observing, and drawing conclusions based upon serious experimentation results. He will be able to assist me in class as I am more reserved in nature and tend to stay in the background during class discussions. So when paired up with the naturally inquisitive Tesla, I am sure to develop my own self confidence when it comes to asking questions and opening new avenues of investigation. He will be "Mad Scientist" that he is and I will be his willing assistant. Together, we will create a new field of science that will not exactly conform to the standard scientific approach.

- Our combined analytical minds will create a boost for our academic careers. While he helps me gain confidence, I will boost him with strong axiom of reasoning in all our undertakings. Thus making us two notable students on campus, gifted with a keen logical sense that can manage to detail a whole process that would eventually lead to the discovery of a new type of electricity (AC). Defending our discovery will help me further shape my reasoning skills that will eventually lead me to become more confident in my own skills and performance in modern Physics.

- Tesla will be more than a classmate to me. He will be a mentor. A confidant and fellow creative mind with whom I will be able to be myself because I will have found a kindred spirit who will not be afraid to take leaps of scientific faith just I would. Together, we could strive to develop the craziest sounding equations and then develop out of the box solutions for it. Together in a tutorial class, we would become unstoppable and usher in a new era of scientific study.

Scholarship / "From Gujarat to Georgia" - Biographical Essay for Questbridge [9]

Paku, the essay in its current form is excellent. You can already use this for your scholarship application. Feel free to submit this anytime you want to. The only reason that I wanted you to mention the scholarship and connect yourself to it is because scholarship foundations often look for certain commonalities between the applicant and the foundation. Often, such commonalities makes the foundation officers feel that the student will become a sort of image model for the scholarship foundation. Embodying the physical presence of the foundation by helping to advance the cause of the foundation through the classes you attend and your future participation in your chosen profession. I can see that you would rather highlight your personal story for this essay and I will accept that. It may or not be necessary for you to connect your story to the scholarship foundation. I guess if it is not specified in the scholarship application form, then you can even totally avoid making any connection between yourself and the foundation. I am here only to offer you writing advice. You make the final decision. So go with the decision you are most comfortable with. No harm, no foul :-) Good luck with your application. I honestly hope you get the scholarship :-)

Writing Feedback / Making an Impact- Parsons Artist statement 2014 [4]

Fashion is known as the ultimate statement a person can make about herself or himself. That is why fashion designers are known world wide. They design innovative concepts and put on shows that show their vision of the future of the fashion world. While you touched on some of this aspects in your essay, it feels to me like you spent most of the essay trying to develop answers to the prompt that were never really completed. Maybe because you lost track of the prompts midstream. There is a missing component in your essay as far as I can tell. That is the final part of the prompt that asks you discuss;


It seems that your response to this was;


You basically did not answer that part of the prompt. There are no solid plans for where you plan to take yourself after graduation. So you have no idea of what you want to achieve when that time comes. I suggest you rethink this portion of the essay and develop a more solid response. Something along the lines of "After graduating from Parson, I plan to stage a show at New York Fashion week within 2 years before having a bigger and more popular show in 3 more years during Paris Fashion Week..." or something along those lines. That is the type of definite answer that the prompt is looking for. As of now, your answer is quite vague and directionless.

Writing Feedback / My Best Friend - I met her at "Young Pianist" Contest [5]

Catie, I was hoping to learn more about you through your friendship with Nadya. Unfortunately, you only mentioned your friendship with her at the beginning and at the end of the essay. I am not sure what the prompt was for this paper but I really believe that it would have been helped content-wise if you had concentrated on describing Nadya to us through the friendship you shared with her. After all, it sounded like the two of you struck a deep friendship after meeting at the piano competition.

Do you have a chance to revise this essay? If you have the chance, I would suggest that you try to write it in a different way. Describe Nadya through the friendship the two of your share. There must be a reason or basis for you to say that you don't want your friendship with her to ever end. You even call her your best friend. But the reader does not learn anything about how this friendship developed to that extent. Essays like these require character description and development on the parts of both characters. In this case, that would be you and Nadya. That is a given owing to the title that you gave the essay :-)

Writing Feedback / 'is it necessary for children or not?' - Learning a foreign language [TOEFL] [3]

- Hamed, where is your point of view regarding the issue? You were able to restate the prompt and offer reasons that you will be discussing in the essay but I do not see your agreement or disagreement with either point of view anywhere in the introduction.

- Who offered these evidences that you are presenting as fact? In order to give your statement credibility, you need to tell the reader where you got the information from. For example, you could say "Child experts agree that..." instead of "First..."

- Always present one supporting and one opposing idea in order to give your essay a balanced point of view. In this case, your previous reason in support of the topic was strong enough. Now is the time to present the opposing side for argument.

- This conclusion would have been more solid if you had included the restated prompt, summary of facts, and the reiteration of your point of view prior to the closing statement.

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Jang, outlining your personal essay is a good idea. You will be able to pre- edit your ideas and position the topics for discussion in its proper paragraphs. Let me share some of my thoughts with you below:


- The future plans should be at the last part of the essay but before the conclusion.


- Highlight the part about living with international students. Relate it directly to your interest in hospitality management.

- I will be able to better judge this paragraph after I read what you want to say in the context of the essay prompt.


- Use Taekwondo only. This is the only activity you have that relates to discipline and leadership. This also demands you to achieve more than you thought you could.


- This is good but I need to know what the prompt will be so that I can advise you regarding the proper topics to discuss.

Undergraduate / The little boy- Stanford Supplement [8]

I think that regardless of the cliche, this essay stands on its own merits. But I think that instead of asking the question at the end, you should make it the opening zinger of your statement instead. Put it right up there as a personal quote. Then go into the discussion about the visit to your former home and your experience there. Let the reader know that this thought was constantly running through the back of your mind as you walked through the streets, seeing the debilitating conditions that your former neighbors were living in. Perhaps explain how you felt as you walked through the town, that will make your meeting the boy feel more dramatic and eye opening.


- Just something I caught here. You need to be specific in the statements that you write. The impact in this sentence was diminished by one missing word, "ME". The sentence should have read, "What matters most to me are the..." For more impact. By the way, if there is a way you can mention joining "Doctors Without Borders" in your statement, I think it will add some punch to it and lessen the cliche. Doctors Without Borders do charity work in the forgotten regions that you mentioned in the statement so I think that will make a good closing line for you.

Undergraduate / the children full of hope (COMMON APP ESSAY) [6]

godlover, this is a very good essay. The essence of the essay which is learning to trust only in yourself in order to find inner happiness is a strong one that everyone must learn to achieve. However, the lessons that you learned are mentioned only towards the middle and ending of the essay. In this sort of essay, it is always best to set an introduction to the topic or topics to be discussed early on, usually in the introduction of the essay.

So I would like to suggest that you try this. Write an introduction that talks about how you lived your life being disappointed by the person you should have been able to trust the most, your father, and how because of him you were unhappy most of your life. Then tell the reader that you came to this emotional conclusion on your 13th birthday etc., By adjusting the essay that way, the admission officer will be able to get a clearer idea of what to expect and what the essay will be talking about rather than waiting till almost the end to find out. Remember, admission officers only have a limited amount of time to read an essay. So you need to get that hook into the essay in order to keep him or her glued to the paper. By introducing the main themes early on, you may accomplish that.

I know that I am asking you to revise the paper in a major way but I truly believe that doing that will create a very strong foundation that can carry the rest of the paper to the very end. I hope you consider my suggestions seriously :-) I look forward to reading a revision if you do decide to write one ;-)

Undergraduate / The computer's world does not show its power until you start to understand it; Collage Application [4]

Sa1na, content wise, the essay is alright. So let's just work on cleaning up the grammar and sentence problems ok? Here are my tips:

The computer's world does not show its power until ...
No one but a programmer can understand this evolution comprehensibly . More you learn about this world, ...
... but a pleasing and relaxing hobby on which I enjoy to spend even my spare time.

- The more you learn about this world,the more eager you become to learn even more ... relaxing hobby that I enjoy doing even during my spare time.

After participating in numerous projects related to computer science and different competitions , I feel that nothing can seal me from flourishing in this world. A lucky person is who had found what in the world best fits them . This is my world, with which I trust I can make so many changes to make the globe a better place for all the human beings.

I have experienced a great deal of positions in different, sometimes even not related , fields before finding my real interest, and these understandings are what make my choice worthwhile, and are what ensure me of the validity of my choices.

- I feel that nothing can stop me...I am a lucky person who has found my niche in this world and I have no intention of leaving. ... sometimes unrelated fields... andit is because of these experiences that I realized that I made the right career choice for me.


- I believe that this paragraph can be better said another way. Here is my take on this paragraph:
It was at the 2013Iran Open when I first became extremely proud of becoming a programmer. I had to work with a Kinect sensor within a limited amount of time without any technical assistance or professor / trainer around to advise me. For anyone else it would have been an impossible situation but not for me. Using the LabView compiler, I was able to reprogram the sensor to do what the competition requirements dictated. I will admit I was a bit apprehensive at first but as as I became intensely involved in the task before me, I came to realize that I was accomplishing what was expected of me as a programmer. Indeed, I was a programmer and my accomplishment at the competition was the only proof I needed to silence any doubts I might have still had up to that time.

Here's hoping my suggestions work for you :-)

Undergraduate / 'being trapped within the confines of anxiety and fear' - UC Personal Statement [3]

foxysogirl, in addition to what Nicole has said, I would like to add that you can also try to reverse the content of your essay. Mention your ability to perceive people first and how that has helped you get ahead in life. Then go back and tell us how how you developed this uncanny ability through Self Mutism. You have a very interesting story to tell and it should be heard. But first, you need to develop that fantastic hook that will keep the admission officer glued to your essay. So don't forget to talk about how your sense of perception has kept you ahead of the pack socially and also kept other people wondering about that special thing about you that they just can't put a finger on. Work up the essay to make it seem like you are enigma to other people because of that ability that, thanks to self mutism, helped you throughout your life. Don't forget though, you have to explain the reasons why you decide to go mute for 6 years. Without that explanation, a gaping continuity error and lack of foundation will exist in your paper. Here's hoping my suggestions work for you :-) Good luck with the revision if you choose to do one. I know I'm going to look forward to reading it ;-)