Writing Feedback / Violence is never a real solution to a political crisis. (MCAT written topic) [6]

Hello everyone,

I am studying for the MCAT (Medical College Admission Test), and I need help with improving my writing style. Please give me any suggestions on how can I get a higher score on the essay portion. One of the essays I have written so far is below.

Thank you, and I greatly appreciate your efforts.

In a political crisis, an unwarranted display of force is often the first reaction in trying to reach a solution, much as a tantrum is the first reaction when a child fails to get his way. However, if anything is to be resolved, aggression in itself is not the favorable solution. While violence may have an immediate effect on a crisis, it does not solve the entirety of the crisis. It may briefly gain control over the situation, but the roots are still there and may begin again once the violence has passed. For instance, a war crisis may be resolve by sending troops to the respective country. Once bombarded, the respective attackers will cease, only until new equipment is built in order to ignite once again. Thus, violence as a first hand attach was not the solution to the situation.

Certainly there are situations where violence seems justified. Terrorists' acts of violence must sometimes be curtailed with brutality when negotiations have failed. Similar attitude is approached in defense from offensive military maneuvers. However, violence in and by itself is not a full solution. For example, the bombing in Hiroshima was views by some as the only solution to a long and blood war. Yet this act of destructiveness in a violent political crisis has left drastic scars on all of humanity. It further pushed the world to develop nuclear weapons which has led to deeper political situations - some too dangerous to the planet to be resolved by brutality.

Still violence in itself is not a real solution to a political crisis, but it can be an effective step in reaching a resolution. On that alone, one can say that it is justifiable. Nonetheless, violence in itself can lead to a bigger conflict. Even though, violence can play a vital part toward achieving a real obduracy of hostilities.

Writing Feedback / Developed nations have an obligation to provide aid to the underdeveloped nations. [3]

This is an MCAT topic. Here is the prompt completely:

Developed nations have an obligation to provide aid to the underdeveloped nations of the world.
Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which a developed nation might not be obligated to provide aid to an underdeveloped nation. Discuss what you think determines when developed nations have an obligation to provide aid to underdeveloped nations.

I only have 30min to write it, so although in the rough draft stage, I want to know who can i improve my writing. Is is well written? does it flow well? Are the explanations answering the statement?

I appreciate your effort. Here is my essay:

Countries with a well establish economy, welfare, education and minimum poverty are seen as developed and successful nations. Those nations, not only have the resources of having improving their weaker links in the administration, but they also have the opportunity to help underdeveloped countries in need. Countries in need are those who have a high number of poverty and a high mortality rate due to untreated diseases. A well established country has the responsible capability of providing one or more of these poor countries with necessary food and medication. Although the help will not be endless, the food and medication can be given at particular times of the year, in specially during Easter and Christmas. This type of behavior will also help the developed nation to receive a good reputation, respect and honor from the primary receiver but also from countries that have not yet reached the level of being well developed.

However, when a third world country enters a war willingly in the hope of becoming more industrialized, a developed country may choose not to intervene. Since a war between a poor country and a medium developed country is not in favor of the poor country, the developed nation is not obligated to enter into such alliance. The reason being is that the medium country may destroy the third world country and come after the more stable country. This way the developed nation will suffer a net loss in its country over all in order to protect themselves from the enemy. With such approach and modern mentality a well established country should weight in the pros and cons of assisting a country in need.

It is best to be benevolent outside the borders when the help is appreciated it and when it is truly helping the citizens of the poor country. Moreover, aiding someone should also come as a benefit to you too, even if it is only recognition, appreciation and respect. On the other hand, when the country is at risk, no matter how well developed it is, this nation should not enter such acts that would destroy its internal heard work. Furthermore, assisting third world countries in a war may create unwanted enemies. Thus, a developed country should be careful of whom they aid.

Writing Feedback / Education comes not from books but from practical experience. (MCAT) [4]

Here is the full prompt of the above statement.

Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which books might educate students better than practical experience. Discuss what you think determines when practical experience provides a better education than books do.

Please let me know it is coherent, flows well, and answers the question. In addition, how can I improve my writing.

Thank you, and here is my essay!

For centuries an educated person was described as someone who would read many diverse books. For instance the royal prodigies would be schools at home by private tutors. Those tutors would provide many philosophy, literature, economic and even political books for the young royals to read. However, over the years, the world has experienced a shift from becoming educated by going to school but also by practicing what they learn by having an internship or volunteering in the community. For instance, America is one of the countries that offers positions for high school and undergraduate students to participate in university laboratories. By being part of a team outside the classroom environment, student learn valuable skills such as working with people of different educational levels, and different expertise. But also students have the opportunity to learn essential communication skills, leaderships skills, with which no one could succeed in their work environment.

Where would we be without the knowledge presented in books, and without reading them. It is however essential that children, as young as three begin appreciating books and the knowledge available to them through the written language. By going to school, children begin to explore ideas and thoughts that would never encounter during their every day life. Core sciences such as chemistry, physics, mathematics, and biology are mandatory to be learn in school and from books. The books present the information clearly and sequentially. The books have practice problems to solidifying the concept. Furthermore, the Mendelian theory of evolution may never be tested by students it is more useful to read a book and understand the concept and theory that way. There are aspects of life which not everyone has the ability to do, unless every one would for instance become and expert in Mendelian theory.

With out the knowledge gathered from books life in a laboratory would be pointless, or very hard; due to the fact that you would not have the basic understanding of the experiment. The education from books provides the core information, upon which experience is built on. The project ran in the laboratory environemnt contains details that would never be presented in books because research may not always provide us with a concrete answer. The laboratory results may be sequential as in a book, but sometimes they are not accurate due to the possibility of errors during the experiment. Books though do not have wrong information are helpful to reference during a laboratory research.

Writing Feedback / Computers: good or bad in using it for education - CBEST [3]

This is a CBEST essay topic, and could you please tell me if I have a thesis of statement, and if I develop it properly. Thank you!

Over the past twenty years, computers and the sharing of information that they facilitate have penetrated nearly every aspect of American life. Indeed reliance on computer grows everyday. This explosion in technology has increased efforts to equip every classroom with computers and provide every school to the internet. Many college classrooms use technology for a more effective lecture. Computer based instructions has a positive impact not only on teachers but also on students because it is a convenient way to deliver a lecture, provide additional notes, and save paper effortless.

With the advantage of technological inventions in various fields during the twenty-first century, computer based instructions become more popular. Since the professors can create their lectures using power point, they can preserve their old lectures and simply change them for the upcoming years. Still, teachers can use the tools provided by power point to highlight important information and write additional notes during the lecture. With the tools available in such programs, the lecture becomes effective.

Moreover, using the computer within the classroom, it saves students time from understanding the hieroglyphic writing of the professor and instead they can focus on details not explicitly on the power point. There are teachers who upload extra reading material and notes for students to accesses as additional information. The use of computers in the classrooms and the resources available give students an opportunity to solidify concepts after the lecture.

Not only this, computer based instructions have also benefited people around the world. With the use technology in each classroom, the consumption of paper is decreased tremendously. Notes are taken on the computer, midterm papers are turned in via internet, and the grading is send by e-mail. This efficient way of communicating has saved many pieces of paper and notebooks.

Indeed the computer has brought a revolution in various fields. Not only have computer based instruction benefited students and teachers in different ways. Now it is also possible to prepare impressive and clear lectures which help students to grasp the information better, and save space in cabinets. Thus the computer use for instruction is beneficial for the learners and also for the environment.

Writing Feedback / minimum wage in America - CBEST [2]

The minimum wage in America has been the subject of debate for many years. Many people agree that we should be careful about sharp increases in the minimum wage because of the resulting inflation (higher labor costs equal higher consumer prices) and layoffs. Others believe the minimum wage is too low to support a family and should be raised to keep up with the cost of living. Write an essay analyzing and evaluating these opposing views on the minimum wage. You may include personal experience, knowledge, or observation.

The minimum wage is a very serious, delicate, and painful problem for most of us. Not only the employees, but also the employers are deeply concerned of this issue as well. The thing is that they do not agree with the way that this issue could be solved, they have different points of view regarding the minimum wage. On the one hand, the employees will always want their salary to be raised so that they could be able to provide a decent life standard for their families. On the other hand, the employers will ever be happy with a low minimum wage for their employees so that their profit to be as high as possible.

There is a large category of people in whose opinion the sharp increase of the minimum wage should be avoided. They consider that this increase can generate inflation, higher costs for products and services, and workers layoff. This is a wrong perception of the minimum wage issue. Firing their workers is not a solution for a low productivity and profit. Short time after taking the decision of firing some of their labors, businesses and corporations will realize that their productivity is even lower than before. They will have to hire other people whose salary requests will be similar with those of the former employees.

This is a vicious circle that cannot be broken by anything else but a serious economical analysis. Workers have to be motivated and stimulated so that they would want to do a great job at their work place. And only a higher salary can do that. Being better paid, they will pay much more attention on what they do and become more aware of their mission. The products' quality will increase and the damages will decrease. Therefore, this compensation won't let the price of products go higher. And anybody can realize that the products and services are overpriced, anyway!

Other category of people, even larger than the first one, considers that the minimum wage has to be raised because it cannot provide a decent family life standard. This is a justified attitude. The balance between the minimum wage and the products' costs favors, by far, the costs. Beside home maintenance, a family has to spend a lot of money for children's education. The minimum wage cannot support all these expenses. The lack of a proper nutrition and the worry for tomorrow make those people depressed and frustrated. Their frustration deeply influences the quality of their work. They make many mistakes, cannot focus on what they do, and their efficiency is under expectations. All these lead to a decreasing profit of the company they work for. In this case, it's obvious that a raise of the minimum wage is absolutely necessary. The unions should have an important role in finding a solution for this problem and they shouldn't tolerate that the workers be paid less than they are supposed to be.

In conclusion, the minimum wage issue has been actively debated, considering the economical and social implications of this problem. Its increase is a necessity and is possible to be accomplished without the fear of an increasing inflation. A strong cooperation of economists, managers, unions, and labors can help the last ones to enjoy a decent life, without affecting the costs and the corporations' profit.

Writing Feedback / imagination vs. perspiration - CBEST [2]

Topic: some have argued that imagination is not as important as perspiration. to what extent do you agree or disagree with this argument? Support your opinion with specific examples.

Let me know if I have a thesis of statement, and how well i answer the prompt.

The famous light bulb inventor, Thomas Edison, said "genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." Without the idea of building something great and extraordinary the hard work is not worth much. Therefore to have a bit of creativity, and imagination is the key and purpose for endeavoring. Thus, the spark of vision is just the beginning of developing light, searching the cure for cancer, and design future cars.

Although Thomas Edison is known for his many inventions, the light bulb was simple a developed idea flowing in the late eighteenth century for fifty years. At that time, the concept of light was not understood by many. However, Edison understood that an electric lighting system contained all the elements necessary to make the incandescent light practical, safe and economical. After one and a half years of work, success was achieved when an incandescent lamp with a filament of carbonized sewing thread burned for thirteen and a half hours. While most of the attention was on the discovery of the right kind of filament that would work, Edison actually had to invent a total of seven system elements that were critical to the practical application of electric lights as an alternative to the gas lights that were prevalent in that day.

While technology advanced so did stem cell research in the field of medicine. Stem cells are cell lines that have not yet developed into specific line cells, therefore with the proper growth medium they can exhibit any type of cells. Many scientists realized that such cells can be useful in trying to treating cancer. Once the cell hit the market, many well known institutions began work developing a cure for cancer patients. As presented by the University of Michigan, researchers have developed more effective treatments for cancers like childhood leukemia, Hodgkin's disease and testicular cancer. Yet a complete cure is not known, but with hard working scientists in laboratories spread across the country, an answer is on the way.

The oil companies have been raising their gas prices in order to keep profit coming in, but how great would it be, if cars ran on electricity rather than gas? Fossil fuels are decreasing in abundance and as scientists have predicted in a century the world would have consumed all the oil of the earth. Mechanical and electrical engineers have announced the future electric care would be available next year for purchase, but they have been working on it over the last seven years. Only now we see a complete manufactured electric car.

Every magnificent work is based on an idea, a plan, a scheme, which takes only a moment, a month, maybe a year. From here the imagination begins to develop into something real, unique, magnificent. It takes years to completely understand and complete the proper tests before a product is released on market. Hard work, perspiration, and knowledge are the building blocks to new household utilities, treatments, and transportation.

Writing Feedback / Friend with a characteristic trait - CBEST [2]

Hello everyone, I just want to know if the essay is well developed. I wrote it in 40 minutes.

I appreciate your effort.
Flavia

During my freshman year of college, as scared as I was, I had the grand opportunity to make a friend for life. Weeks passed and she became my best friend, named Sam. She was not like everyone else who lived on our floor, but instead there was something different that I could not notify and explain. However, during the four years of college, I have learned that her characteristic trait was perseverance, since she had an internship during her first year, had good grades, and got accepted to one of the best grad schools in the country.

Once the first quarter grades were available, Sam applied for internships around the departments that interested her. When she did not receive any reply, she went and talked to the professor she just had for general chemistry, if he does not have a position for her in his laboratory. Although a young candidate, the professor taught her some of the basic procedures in his laboratory. Soon after Sam learned the protocols, she began working on projects, side by side with some graduate students. Sam did spend her first summer in this laboratory, but then she went to another one, where she found her passion of learning how to make drugs, that could in the end cure type two diabetes.

Even though she became the president of her own club, she did not neglect to do well in her studies. I remember Sam being in the library and in office hours more than any person in our apartment. When she did not understand a concept, or she thought she might have misinterpreted a phrase, she would make appointments with her TAs and professors in order to perfectly understand the material. All her school work was done with a couple of days before the due date; just because she could not do things the last minute and waste sleep hours on negligence. Her continuous strive to never fall behind and to always be ahead of the game always shocked me.

When the fourth year of undergraduate studies came around, Sam already took the GRE, and other additional tests to apply to graduate schools. Although her grades were well above standards, her internship experience exceeding expectations, she applied to a variety of schools in order secure a spot anywhere. With her vast number of applications, and plethora of essays, Sam got accepted to one of the best schools in the country. She did not need to be stress, although her perseverance prevailed.

Over the past four years of undergraduate studies, Sam out achieved all of us, not only because she was studious, fast learner, and knew how to balance her activities, but because she persevered through difficult courses, challenging graduate programs, and numerous internships. Sam's characteristic trait is perseverance and it is most important to have since it drives the person forward through challenges and difficulties life has to offer.