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Posts by ingenium
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Dec 31, 2010
Threads: 5
Posts: 13  

Displayed posts: 18
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ingenium   
Oct 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Party" National Merit/Common App Essay [6]

Describe an experience you have had and why it is meaningful to you.

"Knock, Knock", "Is anyone home", I bellowed at the top of my voice, and saw the fog rising from my lips. Even the bleak and chilly winter afternoon could not dampen my enthusiasm, as this was the moment I had been waiting for an entire month. The air was still, as if it was waiting with mirrored anticipation for an answer from inside the house. Today was my first birthday party for Hospice, and if not for the excitement, I may have realized the significance of the event. After what seemed like an entire day the door half opened and the wrinkled, pale hands of a woman beckoned my group and I in. At first I noticed the pugnacious odor that hung around the house and the numerous cat hair shedding's littered on the wooly floor. In the dimly lit room, I could now discern the face of an old fragile woman, wearing a flower patterned shirt, sitting in a stern manner in the timeless arm chair in the corner, almost in an identical pose as my own grandmother. Consulting the patient sheet, I realized that she was 99 years old. Wow! I thought, she is very active for 99, as the house, except for the occasional cat shedding on the floor, was in pristine condition. The usual pleasantries were exchanged between us and the patient and then it happened. I will never forget how she began the story that changed her life and mine.

"The Albanian throne was once mine". Angela, the patient, had once been part of the ruling family as the princess of Albania. She was forced to flee the country when the communists overthrew the government, making Angela and her family political prisoners. During the escape, Angela was separated from her family and has not seen them in over sixty years.

At the time, the story was as chilly as the weather outside and it still gives me goose bumps when I think about it. While to Angela it may have just been another retelling of the story, to me it was a cathartic experience that made me realize that there are many trivialities in life, the pugnacious odor in the house that I focus on rather than the big picture. Now instead of micro managing every small detail of my life, I changed to a macro management approach. For example, rather than writing a to do list for a specific day, I make weekly and monthly goals that have to be met. This allows me to have more fluidity in my life and still accomplish the important tasks. Macro management has also applied itself to clubs at school. In debate, when arguing a case I can now anticipate rebuttals from the opponent and plan accordingly. I can account the application of macro management to at least five victories in debate. This change in lifestyle while seeming trivial, has allowed me to reprioritize my life and reduce stress. I have continued to visit Angela on a fairly regular basis and have a formed a strong connection akin to one of a grandmother and grandson and it strengthens as she continues to tell me more life stories. I will never experience a catharsis or change in lifestyle as extreme as the first visit, but I continue to improve my life with the stories she tells me.
ingenium   
Oct 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Party" National Merit/Common App Essay [6]

Hey!

Thanks for the response. I am slightly confused by what you mean when you say apply to national merit? For example, for UF prompt states to apply your experience to college, however the national merit prompt states to explain why it is meaningful for me, so I tried to keep it broad and in the context of change sin my life. Any clarification of what to apply it to would be appreciated. Also I did a revision so here is the better version

Read above
ingenium   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "I have discovered my passion for dance" - FAMU 2 [5]

I know that you don't have very many words, but

It has taught me many lessons in life that I know I will be able to use in the future.

You may want to "show" that through a short example rather than "tell" it

Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading it
ingenium   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon Supplement "A Strong Foundation" [5]

I really liked your essay!

I am not a very strong writer, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt

because in essence, my foundation is strong, solid, and unbreakable.

I liked the theme of a foundation throughout the essay

There is no doubt that I am as ready as I ever shall be.

Kind of cliche
ingenium   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Party" National Merit/Common App Essay [6]

Thank you for all the responses!

Ironically I did have a bit of background written in, but I decided to take it out because it seemed to not have any direct connection to the story. Here is the background info, could you tell me if I should add it in before the paragraph beginning with "As I was helping"

She was forced to flee the country when the communists overthrew the government, and her family became political prisoners. In escaping, Angela was separated from her family and had not seen them in over sixty years; however, last year she was finally reunited with her brother.

Anymore suggestions would be much appreciated!
ingenium   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "research devoted to improving human health" - Princeton - Bioengineering [2]

I enjoyed this essay, I am not sure of the prompt, but you do not talk about very many specifics relating to Princeton. If the prompt was in general why, then you are fine. But if it is Princeton specific, you may want to talk about some more specific things that Princeton has to offer.

This is an exaple fo a specific:
large percentage of faculty engaged in research devoted to improving human health.

I want to study Engineering at Princeton because of the ample opportunities I will have to turn my talent and into a successful career.
You could replace Princeton with any other college in this sentence, try to give a specific of something in Princeton that will help you realize this dream.

Overall it was a wonderful essay
ingenium   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "Making machines that could save and help - Why Engineering"- Columbia [5]

Please tell us what attracts you specifically to the study of engineering:

"Doctor." It was a cliché response, but it was the one I would always give when asked the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I even knew what specific kind I wanted to be: pediatrician. This was until the day that my dad told me that my grandmother was slowly dying from a combination of diseases, primarily diabetes. After this information set in, I immediately asked, "But what about doctors? Why can't they help?" My dad simply answered, "It's genetic." I felt as if the floor had been pulled out from under me. I thought that doctors were the superheroes of society and could fix any problem, my main allure to the profession. If doctors couldn't help my grandmother, then who could? I began to research about diabetes and the different ways to control it. There were pills of course, but my grandmother had difficulty in swallowing them, so they were of little use. I then came across research that outlined the uses of engineering, specifically biomedical, to help ameliorate the pain. It was my dream come true. My passion of science and math combined with my love of helping others. As I did more and more research, I felt more and more at home with engineering. Engineers were the true superheroes: making machines that could save my grandmother, that could help society, that could do the impossible.
ingenium   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "my new home to better the community" - Johns Hopkins supplement- [2]

I second that the theme is cliche, however you do have some good points. They just need to be structured differently.

The only specific thing you seem to mention that relates to Johns Hopkins or the Baltimore area is the hospital. If you want volunteering to be the predominant theme throughout the essay I think you should find some more volunteering activities you would liek to take part in the Baltimore area. Also, unless you are completely in love with that quote. I would take it out, you only have 250 words and a quote takes up a big portion of that without adding anything more about you.

Overall good essay, just needs some work.
ingenium   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Political Science major, Boston: Why BU? [15]

The people I met at BU were very welcoming and I immediately felt comfortable inwith the environment

I also attended the BU meeting at my school, where the speaker took my love for BU to another level by talking about the various clubs (give a specific?) and activities on campus, such as the Greek system and sporting events. My research has proved (proven? I am not sure) that Boston University is the perfect school for me to continue my education.

Overall pretty good essay
ingenium   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Limitless Bounds" - Why Columbia [3]

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why:

Limitless Bounds. Columbia may offer diversity and be located in one of the most history rich cities in the world: New York City. But to me, what Columbia offers the most is limitless bounds, both in the literal sense and figurative. In the literal sense, I am not confined to just New York City and Columbia. Through, Engineers without Borders, I can use what Columbia teaches me and apply it in a practical sense that will provide immediate help for those struggling around the world. Having family in India, particularly near Orissa, the India program particularly interests me. Working with Columbia and Engineers without Borders, I would like to make a healthy lifestyle, reality for those living in the Purnaguma village. Limitless Bounds. In the figurative sense this means that while at Columbia the sky is the limit for my education. With nearly 80% of the classes having 20 students or less, I will receive more individualized attention and have greater comprehension of the material. I cannot wait to work with Professor Henry Hess in the Molecular Engineering Laboratory and research and experiment with ideas that I have on biomolecular motors . The definition of limitless bounds is shown when Columbia engineering students built a playground swing for the disabled. I enjoy community service and combining that love with engineering would be a dream that could only come true at Columbia. Playground Swings. Biomolecular Motors. Purnaguma. Limitless Bounds. Columbia.
ingenium   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Harmonica for my 10th birthday" - Short Answer extracurricular actitivy [9]

Thank you for your comments on my essay!

to connect to other people's moods, and sympathize with them.

You don't need both you can take on or the other out and I think the message will be received

In my opinion, that is irrelevant. What matters

You can take that out, if you still need words
ingenium   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Activities- Cultural, Math Club" Johns Hopkins Supplement [2]

Hey guys! I feel like this essay is really rough, so any comments or suggestions will be helpful!

A Typical student at Johns Hopkins spends less than 15 hours each week in a classroom, leaving lots of time for volunteer opportunities, clubs and organizations, athletics, social events, and other on- and off-campus activities. Aside from the academic interests you've already expressed, in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins?

When I enter Johns Hopkins as an undergraduate, I would like to continue exploring my passions, while also developing new passions sparked by the Johns Hopkins community. Spending time at the local Hospice will quickly become a weekly habit and to further please my old passions becoming an active member in the Math Club will be a must. In particular, I am excited to participate in the Johns Hopkins annual High School Math Competition. Every year in high school, I helped to write tests and coordinate Mighty Mu, which was a math competition for elementary students that my high school ran. It was a great experience in high school and I know that it will be a great experience in college to help train the future generation of mathematicians. Of course, college is not just an extension of high school, but rather a time to explore the curiosities of the mind. I will participate in crew, a sport unavailable at my high school, has become a passion of mine ever since my, now college friends, have talked about it incessantly. Talking with my friend from Johns Hopkins, I am particularly excited to take part in the cultural experience. At home, I feel fairly isolated from my Indian heritage, only visiting the temple once or twice a month. However, I am eager to participate in the Indian cultural activities at Johns Hopkins and visit the Baltimore temple, which houses my family God.
ingenium   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Making machines that could save and help - Why Engineering"- Columbia [5]

"Diabetics, Why Duke, Why Cornell- Biomedical Engineering"

If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke. (1-3 paragraphs)

"Doctor." That was the cliché response I would always give when asked the question

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I even knew my specialty: Pediatrics. This was until the day that my dad told me that my cousin, who I spend most of my time with when I visit India, was suffering from Type I diabetes. After this information set in, I immediately asked, "But what about doctors? Why can't they help?"

My dad simply answered, "There is no cure for diabetes."

I felt hopeless. I thought that doctors - the superheroes of society - could fix any problem. If doctors could not help my cousin, then who could? I reacted by turning to Google, I came across research that outlined the uses of engineering, specifically biomedical, to help ameliorate the pain. Researchers were attempting to create artificial intelligence (AI) that would analyze feedback about the levels of insulin and glucagon within the body. The AI would then, periodically, inform the patient about the best course of action to return blood glucose level to normal. In the future, I hope to be the scientist making ground breaking discoveries in the field of diabetic research. Biomedical engineering seemed to combine science, math, and my love of helping others. As I did more and more research, I felt more and more at home with engineering. Engineers are the true superheroes: making inventions that could save my cousin and help society; that could do the impossible.

Do the impossible: Duke engineering. The two couldn't be more synonymous. In order to accomplish the impossible I will have to conduct research and at Duke there is ample opportunity to do so. I plan to be part of the two-thirds of undergraduates who are conducting independent study research. At Duke University interdisciplinary research is not only allowed, but promoted. This quality is very important to me because my engineering dream includes creating an artificial pancreas that will help diabetics automatically control their blood glucose levels. In order to create this I will not only need to work in Biomedical Engineering, but also with other fields such as Chemical Engineering and DukeMed, one of the top hospital systems in the world. The promotion of global health through the Duke Global Health Institute makes Duke my top choice. All my uncles own their own clinics in India that were passed on to them from their fathers and even if I major in engineering, I know that I will incorporate medicine into my future. Through the Duke Global Health Institute I will receive first-hand experience on how to solve complex health problems while working with an interdisciplinary team. Duke is the only college that I know of that promotes an eight week civic project, DukeEngage. In high school, I always found community service to be an important part of my life, volunteering weekly at the local Hospice. I am excited to be able to continue volunteering at Duke, and to even raise the level from local to global. Whether it is through DukeEngage or the beautiful Durham setting, Duke appeals to me because it promotes accomplishing the impossible.

Is it ok that my essay is over 3 paragraphs? It is only because of the spacing of the dialogue. Thanks guys for any comments!
ingenium   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford essay-"subjected to raging humidity" [2]

It seems like you send a lot of time talking about your background and too little about Stanford itself. Try to condense the background into one paragraph and spend the rest of the words talking specifics about Stanford.

For example: Stanford's diversity, opportunity and personality speak to me.
I think that you can say that about any top 20 college, what specifically does Stanford have?

Overall, I thought it was very well written and quite enjoyable!
ingenium   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Patient; a Hospice volunteer" Common App Essay 1 [2]

I stood before the door, shivering, and knocked. A pause. "Is anyone home?" I bellowed at the top of my voice, the fog rising from my lips. Yet even the bleak and chilly winter afternoon could not dampen my enthusiasm, which paralleled by my distant feelings of apprehension, as this was the moment I had been waiting for, for an entire month. The air was as still as I was, in anticipation of an answer from inside the house. Today was my first birthday party as a volunteer for Hospice, an organization whose mission is to make sure everyone lives each day with meaning and purpose. The door cracked open and the wrinkled, pale hands of a woman beckoned my group in. At first, I noticed the pungent odor that hung around the house and the numerous cat hairs littered on the woolly floor. In the dimly lit room, I could slowly discern the face of an old fragile woman, wearing a floral shirt, sitting sternly in an ancient armchair. The other teens and I introduced ourselves and, we started to sing "Happy Birthday." Immediately I noticed something different-tears sprang to the woman's eyes. At the end of the party, the social worker asked me, "Would you like to help Angela regain her voice and learn English by coming to her therapy sessions once a week?"

I had shied away from many difficult thing before in my life, why couldn't I once again? Yet this felt different.

When I became a Hospice volunteer, I came in with the intention of wanting to help others; however, so far my only interaction had been with the inanimate: papers and photos, filing and scanning. These tasks were within my comfort zone, but now an opportunity to interact with a patient and to actually make a difference had presented itself. The decision was difficult, but in the end I decided to give up the comfort of before, in order to gain patient experience.

Apprehensive yet hopeful, I began the therapy sessions with Angela, slowly working through the alphabet and words like "cat" and "dog". In return, Angela shared with me stories about her youth. Angela used to be the princesses of Albania. However, she was forced to flee the country when the communists overthrew the government and her family became political prisoners.

One day during our lesson, she slowly turned to me with tears in her eyes, in a shaky voice, and said "Thank you." I realized that it wasn't my help that brought pleasure to Angela's day, but rather my presence and care. I felt empowered; my reluctance to help was replaced with genuine interest in Angela and true desire to help with the therapy. I started to become less fixated on the odor of the house or the cat hairs on the carpet, began to enjoy my visits to Angela's house, and understood the change in Angela's eyes.

College is at my doorstep now and for a while I felt well prepared for the challenges it offers, both academically and socially. Now I realize that there is a vast world that I have yet to explore and college has taken a new meaning for me. It is no longer solely an institution of education; rather it has become a place where I hope to explore life and gain valuable experience that I will continue to use. I have continued to visit Angela on a regular basis and have formed a strong connection with her akin to a grandmother and grandson. My volunteer work with Hospice has inspired me to look ahead and find ways to make my academic interests work together with my love of helping others.

Thanks in advance! Any comments would be helpful!
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