Undergraduate / "20% represents a life-goal that I'm striving for - commonapp (international student) [3]

I'm an international student and im not really confident on my writing skills.
My question is: Is this essay strong enough to show what kind of person i am?
I noticed that the beginning of this essay is probably too short and not interesting enough. I'll appreciate any suggestion on that.
Please feel free to point out the grammar mistakes or incoherent sentences. I welcome any opinion and suggestion to revise this essay. THANKS!!!

Prompt: Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.Or Topic of your choice. (I'm not sure which one this essay fits better.)

20%

20%. To most people, it is nothing more than a mathematical symbol; to me, however, it represents a life-goal that I'm striving for.

Thanks to the educational system in China, a student can always know whether he or she is the best or not. For every quiz, test and final exam, there are always numerical rankings based on the grades of the students, showing them how well they do on their studies compared to the others in the same class. Although a lot of students resented and despised this ranking policy, I personally found great satisfaction out of it relatively often by getting outstanding grades and ranking at the very top place. However, this kind of self-contentment gradually decreased as I moved on to the higher level of academic study. Enrolled in one of the best high schools in Guangzhou, I was not surprised by the stiff competition in the new environment. Since the first day of school, I experienced the strong pressure from my peers, who were as smart as, or much more so than I was. For a year, though, I tried hard and went through the emotional roller coaster over and over again, only getting worse and worse in each time. While my ambition remained the same, I realized I was simply no longer the best, ranking often as one of the top five or six in the class, but rarely making it to first again.

For some reason, my parents felt the necessity to talk with me about my "obsession" with the rankings at school. They both thought that, compared to being an ideal-academic student, it weighed of more importance for them to see me, their only child, being cheerful, happy, and goal-oriented as I always had been. For the first time in my life, my father introduced me to the idea of the "20%". By comparing the two kinds of people in the world --- the people who succeed and the ones who fail --- he stated that while about 80% of the total population live an ordinary, mediocre life, only the remaining 20% can create success for themselves and pave their own way through life. Although money has constantly played a primary role to demonstrate one's accomplishments in his or her career, the word "successful" is not defined by the wealth ranking in Forbes magazine, but rather valued from the personal characteristics of a person, which can never be reflected by a single ranking in high school.

Do I want to be one of the "20%"? What my father said made me realize that even ranking at the top in a grade of over 800 students cannot lead me forward in the path to success, because success is never about a number but the person himself. In fact, it takes a great deal of courage, determination, and self-sacrifice to become successful in one's endeavors within society. Not one of us can carry all these qualities along in our life and that is the biggest challenge to breaking into the "20%". Having recognized the fact that nothing is more valuable than a strong personality developed from past experiences, I started to get more involved in extracurricular activities both in and outside of school. Through all of my additional activities, I grew into a different person gaining the new perspectives that being #1 in the ranking could never bring. After a year of great collaboration with others as a new member in the Student Council, I was honored with an award that is only given to the students who achieve excellent academics and demonstrate remarkable leadership skills in the extracurricular activities at the same time. The idea of 20% was engraved on my mind; I was never so sure of what I wanted to be.

Coming to the States turned my life to a totally new chapter, in which I have felt another step closer to the "20%". I've been fortunate being able to come to Merrol Hyde Magnet, one of the very best high schools in the nation. My classmates are called the "magnet kids", and are considered among the brightest students in the state. Over the years of working and studying with all my intelligent peers, I'm more aware of the importance of getting into a good university where I'll embrace more opportunities to meet the people who are either already in the "20%" or are heading in the same direction as I am now. Although it also means the inevitability of greater competition, I know I'll eventually come to enjoy life in a way that I will be able to confront any challenge or difficulty with strength and faith.

Undergraduate / CUHK, planning to study Public Health in college, China experience ("why essay") [3]

This is a very important personal statement for applying to the Chinese University of Hongkong.
I look forward to any feedback. I'll appreciate your help. THANKS!

Prompt: Please briefly state the reasons for applying and provide other information which you consider will be of interest to the University (use separate sheet if necessary).

A year ago, I came to the United States of America as a high school junior through an international exchange program, which, eventually, became one of my greatest life-time experiences. This program has provided me a unique opportunity me to know individual teachers and students of Merrol Hyde Magnet School and local residents of Tennessee. From them, I have learned a lot about American culture. The experience of cultural diversity has not only affected me as a person, but also changed the way in which I view the world. In every way, the exchange program has exposed me to a totally different and exciting new world by offering me a variety of choices and opportunities as I began to explore my role in society.

I'm planning to study Public Health in college. The fact that many Americans volunteer their time to help others has strongly influenced my decision to give back to the community in a variety of positive ways. I want to help people and I enjoy serving others. In my opinion, Public Health is a dynamic and rewarding field that offers great personal fulfillment by working towards improving hundreds and thousands of people's health and well being. I hope one day I can use what I learn in college to further the progress that my native country, China, and other developing nations are currently making. Hong Kong, considered as one of the most prestigious regions in the world with remarkable diversity, has not only played an indispensable role in business trading but also made great contributions in both social and scientific development. Studying in HK will enable me to experience the advanced public health management of the city, while most likely will allow me to have more opportunities to take practical research in Mainland China.

During the summer of 2010, I visited the Chinese University of Hong Kong. In addition to the all the exceptional academic programs that CUHK offers, I am aware that the university is particularly well-known for its excellence in teaching and its many distinguished accomplishments in research. The School of Public Health not only provides numerous enrichment activities for students, but also works closely with various important and celebrated institutions around the world. The extensive international links will serve as a great ladder for me to the broader perspective of Public Health on a global level. It is my inclination to face demanding challenges and heightened competition by being one of the diversified elite students learning from each other. The convergence of different views will help expand my horizons and deepen my understanding on current health issues faced by China as well as by other countries. All in all, I truly believe that Chinese University of Hong Kong, recognized as one of the best universities in the world, will provide me an excellent academic education and help me lay a solid foundation for my future career.

Undergraduate / "planning to study Public Health in Tulane University" statement [4]

From what i have heard, even though this is an optional essay on the application, the school actually cares about it a lot!!!
I did some research and tried to present how well i know about the school and how Tulane will advance my career and educational goals.

I will appreciate any feedback!!! Thank you all very much!!!

A year ago, I came to the United States of America as a high school junior through an international exchange program, which eventually became one of my greatest life time experiences. This program has provided me a unique opportunity me to know individual teachers and students of Merrol Hyde Magnet School and local residents of the State of Tennessee. From them, I have learned much about the American culture. In every way, the exchange program has exposed me to a totally different and exciting new world by offering me a variety of choices and opportunities as I began to explore my role in the society. The fact that many Americans volunteer their time to help others has strongly influenced my decision to give back to the community in a variety of positive ways.

I'm planning to study Public Health in Tulane University. In my opinion, Public Health is a dynamic and rewarding field that offers great personal fulfillment by working towards improving hundreds and thousands of people's health and well being. I want to help people and I enjoy serving others. I hope one day I can use what I learn in college to further the progress that my native country, China, and other developing nations are currently making.

As one of the most highly regarded and selective independent research universities in the United States, Tulane attracts me with its exceptional academic programs and the rigorous research activities. I am aware that the School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine is the oldest school of public health in the nation, and is recognized as one of the accredited members of ASPH (Association of Schools of Public Health), offering a special 4+1 joint degree program to the outstanding students. Studying in Tulane will equip me with a strong base in the liberal arts and sciences and a solid foundation in the public health sciences. The university's extensive research collaboration with other celebrated educational institutions around the world will serve as a great ladder for me to the broader perspective of Public Health in a global level. In addition, I am amazed by the great number of academic resources and opportunities that are offered to the students in Tulane. As an entering international freshman interested in the public health sciences, I would like to engage myself in various activities outside the classroom, such as The Tulane Public Health Society (TUPHS) and the Center for Public Service (CPS). The numerous enrichment activities and programs will provide me ample opportunities to develop and to apply my academic knowledge, to explore different cultures and communities, and to continue my passion of doing public service.

I appreciate the university's effort in building a collegial and stimulating learning environment and offering unparalleled opportunities for all students. The school has an ambitious and eager student body, and it is my inclination to face demanding challenges and heightened competition by being one of the diversified elite students, learning from each other. I truly believe that Tulane will provide me an excellent academic education and help me lay a solid foundation for my future career.

Undergraduate / UNC short essay - Parker Selfridge (a character in Avatar ) [3]

It is due Jan 18!!! The essay is supposed to be around 250 words; so far, i got 263.
I found it hard to write a short but strong and impressive essay. Please help!!!
Any feedback will be appreciated!!! Thank you in advance!!!

Prompt: It's easy to identify with the hero-the literary or historical figure who saves the day. Have you ever identified with a figure who wasn't a hero-a villain or a scapegoat, a bench-warmer or a bit player? If so, tell us why this figure appealed to you-and if your opinion changed over time, tell us about that, too.

In the movie Avatar, Parker Selfridge, portrayed by Giovanni Ribisi, was the "company man" on Pandora, the Chief Administrator for RDA Corporation. He was in charge of all the mining operations on the planet and determined not to let the native Na'vi stand in his way. Along with Colonel Quaritch, the head of RDA's private security force, Selfridge is depicted as a major villain in the story, responsible for the destruction of the Omaticaya Hometree and the subsequent disastrous war between humans and the Na'vi.

However, Selfridge was not a completely ruthless man. After he was warned that children might die in an assault on the Hometree, he hesitated for a moment and seemed to have a difficult time dealing with his personal morals. Later, he not only appeared to feel remorse upon witnessing the destruction of Hometree, but also seemed extremely reluctant to have the RDA attack the Tree of Souls.

I found Selfridge fascinating as I realized, that in spite of his selfishness and greediness, he was still a human being who had a sense of morality. He represents the people in our lives who succumb to the power of money over their own moral standards. Selfridge's character led me to one simple question: what kind of person do I want to be? As I began to reevaluate my life and the decisions I made, I also wondered whether I would confront a similar ethical dilemma in the future. I hope that, by going to college, I can develop my ethical reasoning so that I will make moral and just decisions.

Undergraduate / ETSU Honor essay (take 3 items with you to a deserted island) [2]

This is due Jan 30. Any constructive criticism is welcome!!! I would appreciate your help!!!

Today, it has been almost impossible for many people to live without the high technology products such as cell phones and computers. The rapid development of the modern technology has brought a great amount of advantages into our life. Therefore, if I am going to be stranded on a desert island for four years, an indestructible solar power laptop with access to internet would be one of three most significant items for me. Whether I want to write a paper or play some computer games, an advance laptop can satisfy my needs very easily. With the internet, I would be able to receive the latest news in the world, to download videos and music, or even to continue the study of the subjects that I am interested. In addition, using the laptop would most likely help me to keep in touch with my families and friends. Instead of spending four miserable years alone on the island, I prefer to keep my life productive and meaningful as it always is. Offering abundant resources and ample entertainment, a solar power laptop with access to internet would be the best tool for me to realize my goal.

The second item I would take is my violin. I consider playing the violin as one of the most rewarding aspects of my life. The violin reigns as the supreme instrument in my mind. Having learned and practiced the violin for more than ten years, I often feel a delight beyond description when playing the instrument and listening to its wonderful sound. Sometimes, after spending a stressful and busy day, I would relax myself by playing one of Mozart's beautiful pieces with my violin. Eyes closed, I completely engross in the lovingly sweet melody created by my bow and my fingers; everything within the music seems to be in perfect harmony. On the strange and lonely deserted island, the violin would be a great companion of mine. Whether by listening to the music or playing it, I know I can always reflect upon and enjoy life more as one special being.

The thought of staying in a deserted island on my own for four years could be very frightening. Although I can always keep myself busy by using the laptop or practicing the violin, I imagine there would still be times when I simply feel lonely and depressed. The last one of the three items I would take is my small Bible with a pink and brown soft cover. Through reading various historical stories and the sacred scriptures in the Bible, I can feel the peaceful presence of God and the magnificent love and strength that he has given to me. The verses in the Bible constantly inspire me to the true meanings of life; in a spiritual way, God gives me confidence and helps me to go though all the difficulties I encounter. In fact, the four years on the island would offer me a life time opportunity to just spend time learning about Jesus while I can deepen my relationship with God. With the Bible and with the faith in God, I know I would not only survive but also grow as a person over these four years.