Posts by jayelectrolosis

jayelectrolosis

Sep 11, 2011

Undergraduate / Google-fueled Intellectuality , a Questbridge essay [2]

Describe an experience that you have had or a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you. When answering this question, you may want to consider some of the following questions: Why does this topic excite you? How does it impact the way you or others experience the world? What questions do you continue to ponder about it?

Note: This is my first, very rough draft I just wrote. I want to improve the conclusion. It's kind of sudden, and I want to find a way to omit "in conclusion'' in favor of a better transition from paragraph to paragraph.

I just woke from a browsing-induced coma, one of the more common types in modern, technological society. Last I remember I was browsing a popular tactical soccer blog and now I'm sitting here reading about the specifics of the growth hormone therapy Lionel Messi underwent. An hour and fifteen minutes elapsed between events. Welcome to the internet. To most, it is the mecca of useless activities and the biggest cause of procrastination. In fact, certain websites even promote the homicide of time and, consequently, the slow erosion of productivity. Nevertheless, the internet is also full of useful, productive activities. Web browsing is an incredibly flexible activity; it bends to the will of the user. It's dark magic. For this, browsing induced comas can result in knowledge, introspection, and a satisfied intellectual curiosity. And this is how it is for me. In fact, the internet has become a second, personal classroom. Through articles, blogs, documentaries, and Youtube clips, I discovered the power of intellectual freedom.

I'm not exactly sure how that particular browsing session began. More than likely, though, I was watching Jon Stewart clips on Youtube. At some point, the name "George Carlin" appeared in the video suggestions on the right-hand side of my screen, accompanied by a description of the material in the clip: "Religion is bullshit." Now, at this point in my life, at around the age of 13, I was already skeptical of religion; however, it wasn't the specific topic as much as the quality of the rhetoric, and subsequently, the thinking displayed in the video, that intrigued me. Carlin immediately caught my attention with his sharp wit, critical thinking, and disdain for the status quo. Carlin was different than any comedian I had heard up to that point; he was hilarious, yet thought provoking. I kept searching for Carlin material - standup clips, DVDs, books, etc. I loved his comedy, and from his comedy I learned how to question, be skeptical, and think logically. It did not stop there, though; Carlin only served as the origin of a newfound sense of intellectuality. I went on to discover the likes of Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Stephen Hawkins, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Malcom Gladwell - the modern day intellectuals I was never exposed to through public education. My internet education has not been limited by any standards, time, or even resources; the amount of information at my disposal was infinite. It has allowed me to satisfy literally any curious thought I've had.

In conclusion, my thinking is heavily influenced by a comedian and my intellectuality is stimulated by Google. As George Carlin would say, "I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!", a Modern Man.

Any help is appreciated, whether it be grammatical, content related, or whatever. I'll embrace and consider any criticism, too. I'll also be happy to reciprocate the favor and help you guys out with your essay if you direct me to it. Thanks!

jayelectrolosis

Sep 12, 2011

Undergraduate / WHY UIC? - 'a house built on the rock' [2]

I define UIC as 'a house built on the rock'. As a new college of Yonsei University, UIC envisions new paradigm of undergraduate education by offering its liberal art education.

When I was first attracted to UIC , what weighed upon my mind was the instability that UIC might have as a newly established college.

-- This sentence is structured very strangely. I would find a new way to state the point of it. Maybe :

When I was first attracted to UIC, the possible instability as a newly established college was a worrisome factor.

However, after doing research on UIC , I found out that UIC has the advantages of being a newly established college and being located in Korea's historic Yonsei University.

As a prospective PSIR student at UIC, I believe UIC will fulfill my expectation of university life. Professors at UIC, who are prominent scholars in their academic areas, will provide the top level education in Korea with English lectures .

Moreover, seminars taught by notable visiting professors, such as a Nobel Prize laureate, will allow me to study not only familiar fields but unfamiliar fields, showing me the big picture of my future career.

Also, the international student body will teach me the better understanding and cooperation with different people and cultures.
I've strived to define what diversity means in my life. Academically, I've tried to experience various fields such as debating, writing articles in a history magazine, working on a news alert team for Earth hour event, etc.

Also, my exchange student year in the US in an area with a primarily African-American population changed my view towards the world and redefined my 'diversity'.

jayelectrolosis

Sep 12, 2011

Undergraduate / "it turned to be cancer" - Common App Essay [11]

Awesome essay. I truly enjoyed reading it, especially since I can somewhat relate to it. You're over by about 500 words, so you're right that the toughest part will be editing it. An essay like this makes a compelling argument for no word limit on the common app essay.

I'll have to read it more in order to help out more with the cutting. Personally, I'd start out by omitting the 2nd paragraph.

jayelectrolosis

Sep 13, 2011

Undergraduate / "The Monster underneath my bed....", an essay dilemma [3]

I have a bit of a dilemma with this essay. It's for Questbridge, and I think it could fit into either of 2 prompts. Here they are:

We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit) *

or

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit) *

And here is the essay:

The monster underneath my bed was not the Boogeyman. Monsters, vampires, and sadistic clowns were not the inhabitants of my nightmares. While most kids grow up fearing fictional characters and mythical beings, I grew up fearing deportation. The monster underneath my bed was a deportation order, and the INS was the entity constantly inhabiting my nightmares. Unlike the Boogeyman and monsters, my fears were a realistic threat; not the type to simply grow out of. At one point, before becoming a legal citizen, my brother had an order of deportation to his name. The order arose as a result of negligence from the service that helped fill out his paperwork. The mistake they made was simple, but the ramifications were not; if the court did not approve of his appeal, my brother would have to leave the country, along with his dreams. The idea of losing my brother and his life being destroyed was debilitating; he was my role model and it was his perseverance that to this day inspires and motivates me. The pure thought of losing him shook me with fear. I can still recall my initial response to the news: my heart dropped to my stomach, my palms grew sweaty, and every other concern on my mind was erased. Between my freshman year in high school and the possibility of losing my brother, it was the most stressful time of my life. In school, I initially lost focus, as many different scenarios played out in my head throughout the day. Apparently, the same occurred during my sleep, as nightmares began to haunt me, and they all revolved around the idea of my brother's life, and consequently mine, being destroyed by a court order. The stress dominated my life for some time through the reoccurring nightmares, constant pondering of scenarios, and loss of focus during everyday activities. Ironically, the nightmares lead to serenity. Since my brother would stay in my room when visiting, it was easy for him to be awakened by my heaving, panting, and sweating after one of the many nightmares. Up to this point, I had not confided by fears and distress to anyone. We had a long, emotional talk in the middle of the night where my brother better explained the situation to me. He was very confident about the situation, and he trusted the judicial system to be fair. He was very calm, serene, and rational about the situation, and this was projected directly on to me. From the ordeal, I emerged a stronger, calmer, more rational person. I also learned how to fight through adversity and ignore, even embrace, stress. While I had no control over the end result of my brother's case, I did have control over making him proud through my educational accomplishments, and that is what I kept my focus on. In the end, after a laborious legal process, the situation was resolved. My brother is now a legal citizen of the United States.

Nevertheless, while my fears were resolved, I'm not completely detached from them. I still hold them close to me, and they allow me to relate to others in a similar situation. The empathy that emerged as a result of my personal experiences with the INS inspires me to contribute to the system which proved to be fair and rational, the American judicial system, and to be specific, the immigration branch. Although my family has been able to settle down in America in search of prosperity, and while the fear of deportation is no longer existent in my immediate reality, it is a reality to many out there in a similar situation to the one I was once in. There are still kids out there who lay awake at night due to fear, not fear of the dark, or fear of a ghost, but fear that their whole life may be completely revolutionized out of no fault of their own. Thankfully, I have the intellectual means and hopefully I'll have the educational resources at my disposal to be in a position to help others.

------------------------------------------------------------

What do you guys think? Personally, I think it fits the 2nd prompt more, but it would be more convenient if I sent it for the first prompt. Also, I'd have to cut it down by about 200 words if I were to do it for the 2nd prompt.

Also, please critique and revise! I'll be glad to return the favor.

jayelectrolosis

Sep 13, 2011

Undergraduate / "The Monster underneath my bed....", an essay dilemma [3]

Thanks! I appreciate the reply. I'll look into varying my sentence structures.

jayelectrolosis

Sep 24, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My Emoh' - Influential person in my life [2]

It was at the hospital that I discovered I had scoliosis that was potentially severe if not corrected soon.

That was when I became a drama queen.

You should elaborate on your transformation more. You do a fine job of describing the qualities you admire in your aunt, but you don't really address your personal transformation much. You need to be the focus of the essay more. If you have enough words left, you can do so perfectly without having to detract from the description of your aunt.

jayelectrolosis

Sep 24, 2011

Undergraduate / "envision myself excelling in everything I do" - Questbridge Autobiographical Essay [4]

First draft of my QB biographical essay. It's very rough right now, and I still have like 150 more words to play with, so I have room for improvement in terms of elaboration and description. Any criticism, correction, or suggestion is appreciated!

Thirty-one different ice cream flavors available at Baskin Robbins. Fifteen different items on the dollar menu. Ten different restaurants offering a dollar menu. Coke, Pepsi, or Dr. Pepper? Wait, Coke Zero, Diet Coke, or the classic Coke?

Options are readily available in American society. At times, we're even bombarded with options. Freedom of choice is an inherent concept in America; it's so prevalent, in fact, that it can be for granted. As Americans, we're entitled to our freedom of choice, and society caters to that freedom. But while the freedom is always available, the reality is that for some the options do not always accompany it. Just imagine being limited to eating cheese slices and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast and lunch every day. Now expand that limited scope of options to scenarios and situations with a greater deal of importance (LIFE). Would it cause you to become jaded and resentful or would it result in a more efficient use of options that are available? It's a tough hypothetical to consider, but it's an even tougher hypothetical to endure. And my life can be characterized by this hypothetical.

During my first few weeks in America, my breakfast and lunch consisted of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches along with cheese slices. On my second morning in the States, before the sun was even up, a job agent, who was an acquaintance of the person that brought my family to Rome, Georgia, knocked on our apartment door and informed my parents of a job opportunity at a chicken processing plant. My parents had to immediately seize the opportunity and began working that very morning, which left my brother, seventeen at the time, and I to fend for ourselves in the mornings and afternoon until we were enrolled in school. Thus, my journey in American began with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. As life continued, my choices did not expand much. I was limited to Salvation Army clothing, sleeping in my parent's bedroom, and attending school in one of the more impoverished districts. My limited choices were not just within a materialistic realm, though. My elementary school did not offer gifted classes, so I began to create options for myself. My parents and I decided that I needed to move to a better endowed school that did offer gifted classes. In the third grade, I moved to a new school, which was out of my district, but that thanks to my high grades, I was allowed to attend. In school, I thrived, as I was quickly accepted into the gifted program. Attending a school in an affluent district also made me aware of the stark contrast between my socioeconomic condition and that of my new classmates. Even early on, I realized I did not have the same options and opportunities as my classmates. I wasn't able to attend the 4H camps, the educational trips around the state of Georgia, or even some of the Gifted field trips. Nevertheless, I didn't allow what I missed out on affect the opportunities I did have at my disposal, so I continued to excel in school. In an environment with limited options, I had to be efficient with the options I did have. While I did not have tutors or a parent that could be at home in the afternoons to help me with homework, in school, the playing field was level. I had access to the same teachers and curriculum as my peers, but I had to do more with it. The lack of options in my life also helped mold my mindset and personality. In relation to success, I've developed tunnel vision; I only envision myself excelling in everything I do, and the light at the end of the tunnel is personal success. Not succeeding has never been an option.

Oh, yeah, and I'm trying to find a way to allude to the PB&J without being cheesy or cliche.

jayelectrolosis

Sep 27, 2011

Undergraduate / "envision myself excelling in everything I do" - Questbridge Autobiographical Essay [4]

thank you very much! i've had trouble getting feedback on this one haha.

jayelectrolosis

Sep 28, 2011

Undergraduate / "envision myself excelling in everything I do" - Questbridge Autobiographical Essay [4]

Here's my 2nd draft -- I have until Friday, but really, I'd like to submit my application by tomorrow!

Thirty-one different ice cream flavors available at Baskin Robbins. Fifteen different items on the dollar menu. Ten different restaurants offering a dollar menu. Coke, Pepsi, or Dr. Pepper? Wait, Coke Zero, Diet Coke, or classic Coke?

Options are readily available in American society. At times, we're even bombarded with options. Freedom of choice is an inherent concept in America; it's so prevalent, in fact, that it can be taken for granted. As Americans, we're entitled to our freedom of choice, and society caters to that freedom. But while the freedom is always available, the reality is that for some the options do not always coincide. Just imagine being limited to eating cheese slices and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast and lunch every day. Now expand that limited scope of options to scenarios and situations with a greater deal of importance (LIFE). Would it cause you to become jaded and resentful or would it result in a more efficient use of options that are available? It's a tough hypothetical question to consider, but it's an even tougher hypothetical to endure. And my life can be characterized by this hypothetical.

During my first few weeks in America, my breakfast and lunch consisted of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches along with cheese slices. On my second morning in the States, before the sun was even up, a job agent, who was an acquaintance of the person that brought my family to Rome, Georgia, knocked on our apartment door and informed my parents of a job opportunity at a chicken processing plant. My parents had to immediately seize the opportunity and began working that very morning, which left my brother, seventeen at the time, and I to fend for ourselves in the mornings and afternoon until we were enrolled in school. Thus, my journey in American began with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

As life continued, my choices didn't expand much. I was limited to Salvation Army clothing, sleeping in my parent's bedroom, and attending school in one of the more impoverished districts. My limited choices were not just within a materialistic realm, though. My elementary school did not offer gifted classes, so I began to create options for myself. My parents and I decided that I needed to move to a better endowed school that did offer gifted classes. In the third grade, I moved to a new school, which was out of my district, but that thanks to my high grades, I was allowed to attend. In school, I thrived, as I was quickly accepted into the gifted program. Meanwhile, by attending a school in an affluent district I became aware of the stark contrast between my socioeconomic condition and that of my new classmates. Even early on, I realized I did not have the same options and opportunities as my classmates. I wasn't able to attend the 4H camps, the educational trips around the state of Georgia, or even some of the gifted field trips. Nevertheless, I didn't allow what I missed out on affect the opportunities I did have at my disposal. In an environment with limited options, I had to be efficient with the options I did have. While I did not have tutors or parents that were able to be present at home in the afternoons to help me with homework, in school, the playing field was level. I had access to the same teachers and curriculum as my peers, but I had to do more with it. Furthermore, my family served as a rock solid support system; while I did not have the same financial advantages of my classmates, my parents, both in unison and separately after they divorced, and my two older brothers provided invaluable emotional and psychological support. While I did not have the tangible advantages of my peers, I did have the intangible resources, provided by a loving and caring family; it was this juxtaposition between the tangible and intangible that taught me early on that money isn't a determinant of a human being's value. It doesn't mean I don't value the material, but it does mean I learned to distinguish between what is essential - family, love, personality, and attitude - and what is complementary.

The lack of options in my life also helped mold my mindset and personality. In the same manner that I didn't consider luxuries, such as expensive clothing or having my own personal space, to be an option when I was younger, I don't currently consider not succeeding to be an option. I've developed tunnel vision, where personal success is the light at the end of my tunnel. I never had to discuss with my parents whether or not I was attending college, and they never had to encourage me to achieve high honor, as within the confines of my mind, I'm not subject to the same options as others. When I pull up to the drive through, I know what I'll be getting.

jayelectrolosis

Oct 20, 2011

Undergraduate / 'I love reading' - Stanford short essay question [6]

Yeah, the last part is very unnecessary. It's also too straightforward. But maybe they'll like that since everyone tries to write these abstractly.

jayelectrolosis

Oct 20, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Environmental Association' - Common App Extracurricular Essay [2]

Twenty cats meowed and approached me as I entered the cat shelter of KARA (Korea Animal Rescue Association).

-- I think you could take out "me" in this sentence. A little redundant considering you state "I" shortly after.

I froze as the cats rubbed gently against my legs.

After volunteering for KARA, I could no longer think of animals as creatures with no feelings. Most of the animals in the shelter were abandoned and craved affection. I bathed the dogs, cleaned their cages, and walked them to a nearby mountain. The animals looked sad as I was leaving, so I would stay another hour playing with them.

Working at KARA did not earn me any honor, but I enjoyed the volunteer work.

-- I don't think you should explicitly state the first part of last sentence, but maybe do a better job of relaying that message throughout the essay?

KARA in Irish means 'a good friend.' I learned at KARA that my good friends need not only be humans. My animal friends taught me that communication is not limited to language. Whether we are friends with animals depends as much on our attitude as it does on their behavior. I was not paid any money, but I received something better than pecuniary gain- the love from living beings who needed my help.

-- Overall, good, solid essay.

jayelectrolosis

Oct 20, 2011

Undergraduate / 'the people I love in Colombia' - Stanford -- What matters to you and why? [5]

Prompt: What matters to you and why?

Forget neutrinos. Laughter is that familiar, universal sound that can travel one-thousand six hundred and sixty-nine miles faster than light can. Breaking the speed of light, while uniting people only divided geographically, laughter is the physical constant in my life. Laughter is omnipresent amongst my family, and it is the common denominator which keeps us close, regardless of physical distance.

Even through rough times, when I'm with my parents, brothers, and cousin for family events in Rome, the infectious sound of laughter is present in the room. Jokes, witty retorts, and clever remarks are the stimuli that precede the laugh. Thousands of miles away, in my grandparent's home in Colombia where my extended family is together, the same positive, humorous, and witty outlook on life stimulates the presence of laughter. When I'm sharing a laugh with my family, I don't feel a distance from the people I love in Colombia. The environment may differ, but the atmosphere is the same. Laughter mirrors and promotes unity, both amongst my close relatives and my extended family, and nothing is more important to than family.

I'm able to take the lighthearted, positive, and vibrant atmosphere my family creates to all facets of my life. They say laughter is the best medicine, and I'm perpetually doped up. It keeps me happy when I'm sad, relaxed when I'm stressed, and close when I'm far.

Any suggestions, criticism, or corrections are welcome!

jayelectrolosis

Oct 20, 2011

Undergraduate / 'the people I love in Colombia' - Stanford -- What matters to you and why? [5]

Well, the basic idea is that laughter is able to instantly bring me close to my family in Colombia. It's a way of bridging the cultural and physical gap, and laughter is able to do it distantly. The mileage is the actual mileage between the city I live in and the city my family lives in Colombia. It was my way of trying to be clever, but it's really hard to do it without explaining, and then that kind of ruins the idea. Haha.

jayelectrolosis

Dec 25, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Porch conversations' - What matters to you and why? Stanford Supp. [4]

I like it -- very unique. I did mine on a similar topic, laughter. On to the actual essay:

"You know, those long conversations on nothing and everything in "the Book" - not the Bible, but the book of Life, la Vida. However "cheesy" or melodramatic that may sound,"

I would stay away from using "La Vida" because THAT is what makes your statement sound melodramatic or cheesy. I would also omit the phrase "However cheese or melodramatic..." from your essay; it's you commenting on your own essay.

". It's how society builds from its past, learning from its mistakes. It's how we've become globally-minded, connecting with others. It's how I discover my world, finding my inspiration."

Be careful with the gerundive phrases at the end of these sentences. I personally like to use them (I like the way they sound), and I like the way you implement them here to create parallel structure, but "dangling participles" take away from otherwise forceful sentences (And I was told this by an Oxford graduate who corrected one of my essays recently).

jayelectrolosis

Dec 25, 2011

Essays / Is story telling a must in an admission essay? [5]

Stories manage to entertain the reader, but they're only effective if the writer succesfully manages to imprint the moral of the story.

jayelectrolosis

Dec 25, 2011

Undergraduate / Why Columbia? -- Protests, Ahmadinejad.... [5]

Would anyone mind proofreading and critiquing my Why Columbia essay? I tried to take a unique, yet honest approach to it.

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why.

In 1968, Columbia University found itself at the center of the social climate that characterized the late sixties with student protests aimed at the controversial Vietnam War, racial injustice, and mistreatment against the community by the University. Regardless of personal views, and although the consequences were not all positive, the protests demonstrate the spirit of the student body - of progress, of social consciousness, and independent thought.

Nearly forty years later, Columbia found itself at the center of societal controversy once more with the invitation of the polarizing Iranian President Ahmadinejad to speak. The invitation was controversial due to Ahmadinejad's radical and even illogical views. But once more, regardless of personal opinion on Ahmadinejad, the invitation serves to show Columbia's dedication to higher learning and freedom of speech. The invitation promoted dialogue and an open exchange of ideas with a figure that represents diametrically opposing views with the majority of the Columbia student body. To me, that is what higher learning and education is about.

These two events, separated by forty years, exemplify the unique appeal Columbia has over every other university. Columbia, supported by an intelligent, conscious student body, is more than a University; it's an institution of progress, discussion, and freedom of thought.

jayelectrolosis

Dec 25, 2011

Undergraduate / essay on international relations and personal experience- UPenn supplement [5]

Could you separate the essay into paragraphs? I'd be a much easier read for me haha.

jayelectrolosis

Dec 25, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Porch conversations' - What matters to you and why? Stanford Supp. [4]

Well, I personally like them -- but I would get some other opinions before omitting them!

jayelectrolosis

Dec 25, 2011

Undergraduate / Why Columbia? -- Protests, Ahmadinejad.... [5]

Thank you! I do see how I spend too much time on the events, especially Ahmadinejad. I'll delete a sentence or two there and elaborate on myself.

jayelectrolosis

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Brown supplement essay -- you don't know what you have till you have it [5]

(I know the title sucks.)

Here's one of my Brown supplement essays:

Prompt:

B. Sculptor Jacques Lipchitz once said, "Cubism is like standing at a certain point on a mountain and looking around. If you go higher, things will look different; if you go lower, again they will look different. It is a point of view." With this in mind, describe a moment when your perspective changed.

In December of 2011, I lived an interesting twist to an old adage: "You never know what you have 'till it's gone." My first visit to Colombia in ten years proved to be very impactful; it changed the way I viewed the importance of family and rearranged my priorities.

I arrived late at night, around two in the morning. The airport was dead. The Colombian security officials were tired. Barranquilla was asleep. Yet, in my grandparent's second floor balcony, my entire extended family was waiting on me. I was greeted by a procession of hugs, kisses, tears, music, and the typical Colombian food I had been deprived of for ten years. Even my blind eighty-four year old grandfather who rarely makes it past nine at night was waiting for me in his rocking chair.

My arrival foreshadowed the rest of my stay in Barranquilla. From arrival to departure, my family members went out of their way to make my visit truly special. I was treated to a countless of number of meals, attractions, and even a trip to the beach by uncles, aunts, and cousins. Even with all of indulgences I received, it was the intangible moments my family provided which made the trip special. The jokes, the laughs, the stories, the talks, and every moment I shared with the people I hadn't seen in a decade made that Christmas the best I've ever had.

In its own way, the experience was also saddening. In the same balcony where I shared the most blissful moment of my life the day of my arrival, I became aware of the sad reality of the past decade. Sitting alone in my granddad's rocking chair while everyone was taking their ''siesta'', I reflected upon a sad truth: what I was currently experiencing is what I had missed out on for the past ten years. I never truly knew what I had until I experienced it firsthand. I had never truly realized how great it was having a big, loving, fun family. It was impossible for me to considering I was seven when I left them.

After my Christmas in Barranquilla, I began to value family more. I communicate with my cousins through social media every day, hoping to at least capture some of what I miss out on. I also value the family I do have with me - my dad, my mom, and my brothers. I've become a lot closer with all of them, especially my dad.

I'm not too comfortable with this draft, to be honest, but I do have something to build upon. Any criticism or correction welcome!

jayelectrolosis

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Brown supplement essay -- you don't know what you have till you have it [5]

Thank you! Any idea on how I can show more on the paragraph you alluded to

Also, I changed this sentence:

Yet, in my grandparent's second floor balcony, my entire extended family was waiting on me. I was greeted by a procession of hugs, kisses, tears, music, and the typical Colombian food I had been deprived of for ten years.

Yet, in my grandparent's second floor balcony, my entire extended family was waiting on me, ready to greet me with a procession of hugs, kisses, tears, music, and the typical Colombian food I had been deprived of for ten years.

I personally like the 2nd sentence more, especially because it emphasizes the change in structure [from simple sentences to a complex one]. Or is it too long?

jayelectrolosis

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Nelson Mandela; Common App- historical figure [5]

Yeah, it's a very generic topic, too. The first paragraph is by and large unnecessary -- it's basically an autobiography of Mandela, not something the admission officers are interested in.

jayelectrolosis

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Rice/Columbia career essay -- why I enjoy airports [2]

This for both Columbia and Rice. Prompts:

For applicants to Columbia College, please tell us what attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study that you noted in the Application Data section. If you are currently undecided, please write about any field or fields in which you may have interest at this time, but have not yet selected as a major interest.

With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study.

Massive winged-structures descend into the skies here on a regular basis, yet airports are magical for a different reason. Hosts to a mix of nationalities and ethnicities being shuffled by a dealer known as human nature, Jackson-Hartsfield International Airport is my favorite place in the world. My passion for understanding and analyzing people's behavior makes Jackson-Hartsfield the perfect observatory. As I wait for my flight to depart, I always give myself the opportunity to sit in the amenities of my concourse and observe the mosaic of personalities shuffling through - "people watching".

My interest in sociology stems from the same passion and aptitude for empathy as does my love for airports. Majoring in sociology would enable my interest in people by reinforcing my innate empathy with knowledge. In turn, I'd able to turn my passion for people into a career where I'd be able to help others, my ultimate goal.

jayelectrolosis

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Brown supplement essay -- you don't know what you have till you have it [5]

Alright, that does make sense.

jayelectrolosis

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'a science student with a great appreciation for the arts' - Common App short [5]

Alright, what's the ultimate point of the essay? This is the one where you explain how an EC has helped you grow, right?

Here's how I would rewrite it:

I consider myself a science student with a great appreciation for the arts -- whether it be music theater, or dance. I had been involved in both all my life, but never simultaneously. Then, I was introduced to the Theater department of the three dramaturges for their play On Ego, which explores the argument that human consciousness is merely a product of neuron activities. I was responsible for explaining neurological concepts to the cast and doing research to provide scientific background information for both the cast and the audience. This opportunity has merged two of my biggest passions. Most importantly, it has allowed a chance to test my own knowledge so as to explain clearly to others, and to further broaden it as I did my research on brain tumors. Thus, it has helped me grow as a student of Biology.

I would also work on the conclusion -- the last few sentences sound kind of clunky.