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Posts by sm09
Joined: Dec 21, 2011
Last Post: Dec 29, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 17  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 18
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sm09   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Captain" - Harvard Supplement- The prompt is write about anything [32]

"The Captain"

Like in every African country, soccer is played and practiced with such dedication one might assume it's one of the several religions practiced on the continent. In Zimbabwe, my brothers and I used to play soccer in the streets from dawn till dusk with each of us dreaming of becoming the next Pele. Our soccer balls were handily crafted with plastic bags and newspapers. , talk about recycling. In our neighborhood streets we were nicknamed, "madhara madhara"- the unstoppables because we had won our local 3 v 3 tournaments for five consecutive years. Soccer was our altar and we all aspired to one day win the world cup for our country, just as we had conquered our neighbors.

On the 20th of March, 2006, our dream looked possible when one day our father walked in the living room and said, "Mwari ari ko, tiri kuenda ku America!" maybe you should say what this means We all started crying as we realized that our lives were forever changed. For the next four months we practiced soccer about 4-5 hours a day with the assurance that the opportunity was there and our success depended solely on how much we wanted to grab it. In July , we finally moved to the USA. During our early days , we spent most weekends playing soccer in local parks, but this time with real soccer balls, cleats and on green grass.

Because of the skills we had acquired playing on the streets of Harare, Zimbabwe , it was no surprise that my two older brothers qualified for the varsity team as sophomores. As varsity players, my brothers often complained about the unfair selective treatment of players, especially, those of Hispanic origin. Two years later when I enrolled in High School, I too qualified for the varsity team as a freshman. As a player , I too began to notice the disparate treatment of players, but I too also was to scared to speak out. Unfortunately, because of this the varsity team often failed to reach the top, despite having capable and talented players. My brothers and I informed my father about this but he advised us not to say anything as we were new to the town and didn't want to cause any controversy. My brothers then graduated from high school and went on to play college soccer. Following our father's advice, I didn't speak up against the unjust treatment of my fellow teammates. My junior year, my teammates voted me as team captain.

My brothers and I were never ill-treated, I guess because we were looked at as the stars of the team. Now as the new team captain, I asked myself how I could turn a blind eye to such issues. Prayer was not enough. I was plagued with internal strife. I often stayed up at night contemplating my childhood dream, the scholarships, awards and recognition that soccer brought me at my school in Zimbabwe and the scholarships I hoped to receive through soccer at my current high school. One day I decided enough was enough, and decided to approach ed the coach. Not fully aware of what my actions could lead to, I voiced my concerns. Twice I left the coach's office with promises which would go unfulfilled. The third time I was removed from the team. My teammates, their parents and I approached the athletics school and district authorities, but to our anguish, the subsequent investigation found, "there was no intentional discrimination", despite all the players in the program and some teachers acknowledging there was. We were advised to take up the issue legally. Somehow along the way, "committed" support from the Hispanic parents and players was not forthcoming, making our case difficult. Later I discovered that some of the parents of the Hispanic players were threatened, for reasons that were not obvious to me then, thus making our case difficult.

Initially I was devastated, not only had I failed to resolve my teammates' problems but most probably, I had also lost my childhood dream of becoming the next Pele. However, in retrospect, I don't look at the resolution pessimistically. Since the incident , former teammates and parents have thanked me saying the dynamics have changed and the coach is treating everyone fairly. This experience taught me the true meaning of leadership. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing. After the incident, one of the parents texted me, "You might not play soccer in high school but what you did is the most honorable thing that I have seen a 17 write this out year old do. You fought and stood up for my child even though you were not discriminated against. You not only taught my child a lesson but my husband and I also. Thank you Simba." Looking back , I do not look at the resolution negatively but price it because of the change it made.

With this experience and my experiences in Zimbabwe, I decided to pursue an internship in the summer of my rising senior year at Mike Magana's law firm in order to explore a career in law. At the law firm, I shadowed Mike Magana, defense attorney, and accompanied him to court room sessions. The intern ship solidified my career interest.

Though I do not regret or look at my soccer experience negatively, I value it because it taught me that one plus one is not always equal to two. In contrast my law internship showed me a career that makes one plus one equal to two. At Harvard, I hope to continue playing soccer while studying to gain a degree in law so that I can help and empower individuals like my fellow teammates.
sm09   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The origin of us' - Johns Hopkins Supplemental [10]

Its good but I would suggest that you talk about specific programs at John Hopkins that would help you do that. Because what they want to know is why John Hopkins!? Because you could do all those things at another school that offers the same programs. So try to address it more to John Hopkins
sm09   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Big zhou, my chemistry teacher [11]

You write really good. I think you should add more things about how she has made an impact on you. Maybe talk about a story she told you about the difficulties she faced moving from China and how she inspires you. Elaborate more about how she kept you in check etc.
sm09   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Everybody has a place' - stanford What matters to you prompt [9]

I get what your trying to say and i agree with you but I am not sure as to how the admissions officers would take it. From reading it, your tone doesnt come out very well in the 2nd and 3rd paragraph. Tone it down a bit. It sounds too pessimistic and sometimes you come across as if your just blaming others.

Don't get me wrong, I think you have a really good idea but im not sure how that would come across to the people that would be reading it. If your fine with it, go with it.

Please check mine out if you have time. thanks.
sm09   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / My name is Jason - Common App Essay [9]

First I should say: BRILLIANT! I liked how you turned your name change into an essay that made me think about my own identity. Good job.

You used great vocab.
I read it twice and I think its greattt. I have a question though: when you say "Last year, my parents suggested legally changing my name to Jason. For a few years I had used "Jason" as a nickname, for the convenience of friends and teachers who enjoyed a more pronounceable name." was it just your parents or it was you too because I think it sounds better when you say your parents and you.

Anyways GOODDD JOBBB. I love it.

Could you look at mine and tell me if you have any advice/revision. thanks
sm09   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "Don't send me to America!": Evaluate a significant experience [14]

I really like your essay its unique. I think you should talk about why you didnt want to go to America since you mention it in the 2nd paragraph. Secondly, I think you should talk about the "doubling up". What did you do? Talk about whether you had to read some things twice because you didnt understand them or whether you had to stay after school everyday to get instructions about the homework because you didnt clearly understand them when the teacher explained. Explain more!! and provide those little details. They make you essay weigh more.

Otherwise great essay. I can relate to your experience. I will share with you my common app essay if you would like. Its kind of similar.

WOuld you read my harvard supplement please.
sm09   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the field of biomedical engineering' - UPenn Supplement [8]

I really like it. I think you might want to tone it down a bit in your conclusion as you stated because you already showed your character in the first paragraph when you talked about your accomplishments..etc.

Your transition to your second paragraph is not swift. It seems as if you just jump and start talking about something else. Since you also state that you want to do biomedical engineering, tell them why? has there been an experience in the past that made you want to do that. Maybe you volunteered at a biomed center or maybe you conducted several experiments at your school related to bio-med or maybe someone you really care about died of a heart disease and you hope on improving technology because of that. Talk about things like that. Make it personal(about why bio-med)!!!

If you have time could you please look over mine please.
sm09   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Why do you eat your food so quickly' + 'grade student papers' - Stanford [3]

Second essay: Its good but I think in a way you present yourself as if you dont care much about yourself. I do understand that your trying to present yourself as a selfless individual but i think you overdo it. And i think it kind of hurts your essay. For instance: Its not that honorable to ditch your friends. You present yourself as unreliable by ditching them and going to volunteer. And not practicing for SAT's isnt that good either. because at the end of the day, you want to do the best you can with your life but if you dont practice your SAT's then you will not get the 2300 that you will need to get in to Stanford. I hope you kind of get what im saying. Find some other examples that dont HURT your essay.

Its good to be selfless and i can relate to you because I do the same things you do but in reality Stanford wants to admit a potential "Steve Jobs" instead of a Mother Theresa. Not that Mother Theresa is bad but thats just reality.

Your goal is to get the admission officers to say we want her/him.

p.s Mother theresa is one of my heroes.

Could you please read through mine if you can.
sm09   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the way humans develop, think' - academic interests and reasons for applying [7]

I agree with cephalopod. Also talk about why you developed your interests. THey want to see that you are not just making this stuff up because you want to get in their university. Talk about an experience. Shorten this "I have sought to meet my role model, [name], a national best-selling author in Thailand and an expert in the field of Mind, Brain, and Education. Her books, which feature the theory of Multiple Intelligences developed by Dr. Howard Gardner, have convinced me of my love of brain science. Altogether, my personal interest in Sociology and Cognitive Science makes me eager to learn more about the world." and talk about an experience instead or elaborate on your club. Give them some meat to chew.

Maybe you can say after conducting an experiment in my psychology class, i decided to read the book by so and so in order to further my knowledge on this and that. Show them that you have passion for what you want to study.

Look at mine if you have time please.
sm09   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Captain" - Harvard Supplement- The prompt is write about anything [32]

Thank you so much for the feedback everyone. I am re-editing it again.

Admissions2012, you are so right. I omitted so many things for example, I still practice and play soccer and I also talked to my teammates before approaching the coach.I will rewrite parts of it and post it here again.

Should I include the part about the internship and law??
sm09   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Baking [2]

I like that you picked a subject not many would talk about. I think when you write an essay about baking. you have to make sure that its phenomenal!! Its good to know that you like to bake and your good at it. But admissions will say so what??? remember there are thousands of other students that are applying to the same college and they also do something they love... Dont just talk about baking. Talk about how it shows your personality. For instance, when you talk about when your cake doesn't come out well, relate that to life experiences. Talk about the patience you have to have when you bake. Add more meat to your essay and you should be good. You want to officers to say OMG. lol but in all seriousness, add some more weight to your essay. Talk about the characteristics in your conclusion in your body and relate them to baking.

I hope this helps. Your essay is not bad, i think it just needs some more meat and it will be phenomenal.

Could you please look at mine and tell me some tips. I am already re-editing it but more tips would help. Thanksss.
sm09   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / BU Essays - ROOMMATE / DIALOGUE [6]

I like your personality but the way you present it is what I think hurts you. For instance, the sentences below do not help you at all. They actually present a negative image of you which your not trying to do in these sentences.

Reword them or delete them.
"It's rare for me to dislike anyone unless they are really annoying or if they dislike me."
"and spreading awareness that Asians are not the stereotypical type as we are labeled as."
"Moreover, she can blast any type of music as long as it's not rap."
"Yes, we're going to get along quite well and I can't wait to tell her all the facts about me."

Also in the essay you talk a lot about teaching your roommate things. Thats not bad but you have to balance it with "wanting your roommate to teach you things."

Finally, Talk about your a few of your bad habits/characteristics. Admissions want to see that you are a person not some barbie or superhuman.

Maybe, a dialogue works better. The prompt says, "you are talking to your new roommate for the first time.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think they are a few things you need to edit. Your personality is terrific but how you present it

Please review mine, its the really long one.
sm09   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / CommonApp ExtraCurricular Essay "Bringing a community together" [2]

I love it not only because I am African but its well written.
I only have a few suggestions. Since they want to know about you and your interests, maybe talk about why you created it. Because the question they will be asking themselves is: why would someone just randomly create an African club. By looking at your name, i think I can safely say that you are African and that may have been why.

Also try to answer these questions when writing your essay. "how did you learn from it", How did others learn from it?

Maybe you might also want to add how many people where in the program and how often yall meet. That adds some validity into your essay.

I hope this helps. Could you look at mine please. Its the really long one
sm09   
Dec 29, 2011
Graduate / Essay to describe a situation when persuasion changed someone's behaviour - M.Fin [2]

At the beginning, my parents did not agree with me because they did not obvious benefits to change to the plan.- This sounds awkward. Did you mean to say see the obvious benefits to change the plan?

I like your essay but I would suggest that you center your essay more on the struggles and resistance you met while trying to convince them because I think that is what they will be looking for. Not only that, it shows your character and your perseverance. It shows your determination

Fire up your conclusion.

Hope this helps. COuld you look at mine please and offer some tips.

Another user feedback:

Don't be scared of using contractions if it makes your essay flow better.

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Related: Trying to convence somone to change their behavior - Help writing an essay

"i need help writing an essay in five paragraph form trying to convince someone to change their behavior. i need help coming up with ideas and how to write it."

The first thing you must do is choose your topic. Is this essay to be addressed to the person you are trying to convince? Or will the essay be about what you must do to convince that person? Either way, you must decide who you are trying to convince and what behavior you would like them to change. Once you have decided that, we can help you come up with arguments and a way to organize them into a five paragraph essay. You will need three reasons why the person should change the behavior, one for each of the body paragraphs of the essay.
sm09   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / MIT essay ,choice of major... [4]

1) I would suggest that you talk about a particular internship or experiment or something that you did outside of school to really show that you have a passion for Chemistry. Even if its something small and simple. Make is sound grand.

I like the second one more. But consider my suggestion. Talking about a specific event or intern really weighs more than talking about a class. I mean we all take a whole bunch of classes and I love all seven of my classes but I shouldn't want to be a chemist, mathematician, english teacher... only because I like them. Talk about something personal that is related to chemistry.

Hope this helps. Could you please look at mine and give me some tips.
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