Undergraduate / 'Russia gave me something to work for' - CommonApp main Essay [12]

Thank you! I have had so much trouble with this main essay, it's a relief to see that it's finally close to completion.

The prompt was: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

Scholarship / (involvment and contributions to your community) BILL GATES MILLENIUM SCHOLARSHIP [4]

very good and unique, I haven't read any quite like it. Despite some comma errors, the topic was very engaging. The 'at a very young age' kind of throws the sentence off, so either rephrase it to flow easier or remove it entirely. and the last phrase kind of shifts the essay, which had been focused on the prompt before, into a whole new direction and makes it sound generic; do some kind of uplift about how you realized something, or were that much more determined to succeed, but don't turn this around into an essay that every other applicant is going to write about. the conclusion is often the most important- make it count!

other than that, its amazing, and I really hope you get the scholarship.

Undergraduate / 'Russia gave me something to work for' - CommonApp main Essay [12]

also, I am applying to NYU, Stanford, UChicago, Pomona, USC, and Pepperdine- aiming high, I know...:)

Undergraduate / strengths and limits introduced by one new global language [3]

What is the prompt, exactly? and where are you applying? this format is risky, but if this is what they are asking for, then its great. What they are really looking for is usually your personal voice- not logic, or a reflective, impersonal philosophical piece, but what you sound like. They will already know you are smart by your grades and sat scores, but the actual personality needs to shine through in these essays, show them what you are like with all the facts and numbers taken out. You need to leave an impression on them, make them want to get to know you- this is a great and intelligent piece of writing with some clever ideas, but this essay is about YOU,and that doesnt show as much as it should.

Undergraduate / Should I include this for MIT? [3]

I like it. It shows overcoming an enormous obstacle, and is very unique. The experience is great- but what have you learned from it, and how has it prepared you for life besides making you slimmer and more athletic? the body is great and captivating, but the conclusion kind of tones it down into a more generic/ less interesting essay. its ok to sound sappy if you make it genuine and not a variation of "from this experience I learned to work hard, persevere, etc." just polish it off a bit and it will be great! good luck!

Undergraduate / 'The Feminist Perspective'- Common App. Main essay [17]

Why is feminism not an option? isn't it the other way around, that anything but feminism is not an option?
This is an amazing, powerful essay- you are clearly a great writer, and your ideas are strong and well-defined. I would suggest putting some more 'personal experience' into this, lest it sound like a diatribe, but if you can't find a way, that's fine. It is walking the line between a personal essay and a speech on feminism, but I think it makes it. Add a tinge of more personal feelings and the way you combated misogyny or even just stood up for feminism and a little less force in some of the sentences, because you have to be careful not to offend. If it's a man reading this, or someone who does not believe that female suppression ever existed (and believe it or not, I have met my fair share of them, as a fellow feminist), they might be skeptical if not intimidated. Put some more statistics in, like that the woman earns 70 cents to the dollar, or just get more specific, whether through personal examples or historical. Good luck! its great- by the way, where are you applying?

Also, as a fellow Russian, do you mind looking at my main CommonApp essay? its about living between countries and I think that you will be able to give the best feedback. Please and thank you!

Undergraduate / 'to be around students who really know how to get down and party' - "why Upenn"? [5]

Definitely a great essay- its not presumptuous, and the humor flows well. I don't know much about UPenn, so some of the details were a bit hard to follow, but I'm sure the AO will find it pretty flattering, actually. One suggestion is to vary up your sentences a bit, they sound too identical in structure and tone sometimes- I know this isn't for everyone, but take your reader through an emotional journey! make them feel the experience with you, and you don't have to be so specific everywhere- instead of naming specific programs, use imagery to convey specific scenes, that always captivates the reader. Of course this is just my suggestion- really, it stands fine on its own even now. Great job, and good luck!

Undergraduate / NYU SUPPLEMENT- In n Out, Socratic Seminars, Sewing (badly) [21]

Wow. This is amazing- the topics are unique, catchy, and at the same time portray a great and interesting personality. This is just what they are looking for! I love the first one, just brush up on the grammar a bit; The second one I feel like you could focus a bit less on the details and more on the actual message, which is only expressed hurriedly in the last few sentences. the third is also great, and I just love its conclusion. Great job, and good luck!

Undergraduate / Transferring into Texas A&M: Essay A (required) [2]

First off- shorten your quote. While great in the eighties, now quotes, unless they are great ones, sound silly and usually, unoriginal. This is a great quote, one of my favorites, but I don't really see how you tie it into your essay. For the second paragraph, you really need to vary up your sentence structure and include more personal examples- all that stuff about perseverance and positive thinking is just generic platitudes they are going to find on a million other applications. don't try to pander to their expectations, just show your true voice and talk about anything important to you, be specific and it doesnt matter if its little things- the more specific the imagery, the better. the last paragraph is better- just don't overplay the whole legacy thing, not all AOs like that. Good luck, and i hope this helped! and sorry if I was harsh, I'm trying to help as much as possible.

Undergraduate / 'Making a difference and becoming an engineer' - Brown Supplement [5]

The 'make a difference' part is a bit generic, and your sentence structure is almost identical for all three sentences. It's a bit impersonal, and you should talk about your interest for it, not what helped you prepare for it through the Math Olympics- you could rephrase it that what you experienced in the Math Olympics gave you a taste for analytical thinking and revealed your strength in problem solving. This enhanced your passion for numbers, and revealed that your personality was one to set goals and never give up until you find an answer. I mean, thats just one take- but you should kind of unify it and focus on your passion and how you saw it, not just cold facts they might already see elsewhere. Good luck, and I hope this helps- you have a good thing going, just need to rephrase it a bit...

Undergraduate / 'Russia gave me something to work for' - CommonApp main Essay [12]

Thanks for the advice- but overall does it flow well? and is it interesting? and wait, should I write more or less formally?

Undergraduate / 'The waves of the Pacific Ocean' - Williams window supplement [5]

I like it- the imagery paints a vivid picture, and it flows well. You should probably remove the 'However' in the fourth sentence, and 'facets' sound a bit strange in the 6th sentence- put a word that flows better. Other than that, its great, and reveals details about you. It's unique and i think you definitely have a good chance- good luck!

Undergraduate / I had the opportunity to live in Germany for a year; intellectual vitality essay [2]

After numerous years learning German, I had the opportunity to live in Germany for a year because I was awarded a merit scholarship . In August 2009, I set foot in the "Saechsisches Landesgymnasium Sankt Afra" (Federal School of Saxony-Saint Afra). Attending it was an experience different to anything else, as it is an "elite- school" with a difficult application process and stellar academic curricula, which encourage a very capable and enormously motivated student body.

In the second semester in the German course we were to read Goethe's Faust: The First Part of the Tragedy. At first I was intimidated by the play, as it was the first book in the German language I had ever seen written all in rhyme . Aside from the noteworthy style, my classmates regarded it as complicated and difficult to read. After the initial panic, I set aside my anticipations and started reading it. A t first I found it extremely complicated and difficult to understand; I had to consult the dictionary countless times. As I continued with the play I got more and more intrigued by the plot and appreciated Goethe's mastery. I identified with Faust's pursue of knowledge as I also seek to increase my understanding every day. More importantly, it left me the conception that deals which offer a great reward, but require the violation of one's principles, most often than not, end wrong and harm the persons one cares the most about. Despite the difficult language I deeply enjoyed the book and was happy to discover how many other stories are based in its interpretation of the Faust legend. I realized that its reputation as one of the cornerstones of the German literature is entirely deserved and I discovered the joy of reading in the original language, as there is no way to truthfully translate this book to any language. Finally, I was surprised by my proficiency in German.

It's a good essay, and pretty interesting- just re-check your grammar, and make sure it flows well. Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'an orchestral tour to Spain, Morocco' - Common App [3]

I love it- It's unique and touching. I would change the last few sentences, the word 'foreign' is repeated a bit too often and since it's not in parallel structure, it sounds a bit odd. Make it a bit less melodramatic, and maybe use imagery a bit more to convey your nervousness instead of the attempt to distance yourself by using the 3rd person- although it's a good attempt, it doesnt fit with the rest of your essay. Finally, the 'lover' conclusion sounds good by itself, but in the context it doesnt make much sense- you were just a little girl crying for your mother and now you got a lover? its too sudden and a bit disturbing in the context...other than that, great job! it's really unique and personal. Good luck!

Undergraduate / (librarian, dilapidated classroom, an addict) - NYU Supplements [10]

I don't know if I missed any grammar mistakes, but I am more worried about the general content, the mood it sets and the flow of the writing. Thank you!

1. What matters, and why?
Fire. It was there at the cradle of civilization, giving us that last push towards the top of the evolutionary ladder, it has seen us through the stone, middle, and golden ages, and it will see our time on this planet die as the sun erupts in a fiery storm. Fire unites us across nations, classes, and languages, and is the archetype of birth and death, passion and conflict and dreams. Even as the one in my fireplace dies, it is reborn again halfway around the world in a bonfire of celebration, or next door as our neighbor boils some water. The licks of flame in my fireplace are the same ones I stared at several months ago in Russia, while a bearded man crooned a soft song of love and war to his guitar and the murmur of conversation ebbed and flowed across the bonfire.

Fire represents humanity's triumph, as we harnessed its power to warm our homes; and it's long road ahead, as we lose control and have to start from the ashes again. It burns in the hearts of all humans, filling them with hopes and dreams and personalities, each as unique and fleeting as a candle flame. It draws us together into one massive firestorm, an unstoppable force that can only ever stop by burning itself out. From the time my grandmother painstakingly taught me to light a match to today me and my father lighting up the fireplace in the old tradition of winter evenings spent together by the warmth, fire has been a constant in my life. As a child, I remember sitting with two sticks for hours, patiently and futilely trying to create a spark. I have been burned several times, but am never discouraged and keep at it until I coax an answering flame from the fireplace. Fire symbolizes my life, fleeting yet part of something greater and bright for as long as its burning, and the entirety of humanity, which too lit up the Universe in a bright flare, and will one day calm down to embers. Fire matters.

2. Roommate letter
I am an addict. No, probably not the kind you are thinking of. You see, I am hopelessly, irrevocably addicted to people. This dependence often urges me to make friends with complete strangers on the streets, amass enormous telephone bills with my all-nighters referencing Thai folklore and philosophy with my friend Chariya in a broken mix of Thai and English, and worst of all- will sometimes inherit their quirks and hobbies, whether it be becoming an avid Shogi player or being inordinately picky about my cheeses.

Sometimes my addiction will play a beneficial role, as it did this summer in Russia. Bored, my friends and I borrowed a boom box from a street musician nearby, and started up a dancing event right there on the Arbat Street of Moscow. With styles ranging from Hustle to Hip-Hop, it amassed a hundred people by morning, tourists and locals alike joined in the universal language of laugher and music.

My craving doesn't stop there, but extends to the written word, which I always saw as the true window to the soul. You will often find me happily immersed in a pile of books, sighing at the works of Lermontov, shivering at Nietzsche's passionate if misunderstood philosophy, or laughing in delight at the witty sarcasm of Twain's prose.

I am also sorry to say that my idiosyncrasies will without a doubt affect your everyday life. Whether it will be having the light on all night, immersed in my world of words, or infecting you with my enthusiasm for poetry readings, you will never be the same. Be prepared to be taught eight different styles of dance, eat strange foreign food, and stay up all night discussing anything from living to dreaming to everything in between. If you have any interest in language, I will try to teach you Russian, along with bits of French, Thai, Japanese, and Italian, while learning any you might know.

Well, you have been warned, and I hope that we can get past my crippling addiction to form a friendship to last a lifetime.
Love, Natalia

3. Intellectual Vitality
A few months back, I found myself sitting in a dilapidated classroom, a cracked whiteboard bearing diagrams by my side and a rapt audience of over thirty people crowded before me; some crouching on the uneven floor, others leaning against the wall. The setting: a half-abandoned village deep in a Russian forest. The characters: the members of an intellectual summer camp from the Moscow University, students and professors alike. My role: the mediator between cultures and the impromptu teacher of professors.

Four years ago, I got accepted into an obscure camp in Russia, though I didn't realize the impact it would have. There, through the one-on-one discussions with professors following their morning lectures, my own ideas of equality, liberty, and personal ambition unfurled from my unconsciousness into verbal assertions. Whether staying up by the fire all night to debate everything between living and dreaming, or participating in impromptu Shakespeare plays from memory, I continually felt my brain evolve into a sleek, well-oiled machine.

This growth of my personality and the rooting of it deep into my psyche culminated last year when, instead of evasively brushing off a professor's innocuous question about American culture and language, as I would have four years previously, I ended up leading a spontaneous lecture in that cramped classroom. Facing an audience of intent, genuinely interested professors and students, I saw the fruition of both my unique environment, which allowed me to become a carrier of two distinct cultures, and the invaluable experiences of that camp. And later, when two hours had passed and my voice was hoarse, the camp director approached me about leading my own course on American history and culture next year.

In that moment I realized that my experience was not just a trip to a summer camp, but a discovery of a microcosm of my own existence, and the way I face whatever challenges or opportunities come my way; engaging, adapting, and leading.

Choose at least one to correct please, and at least give me a general impression of the others. Do they convey an interesting, unique person, or are they choppy and pretentious, or generic? please give feedback, I will read yours! thanks in advance.

Undergraduate / Rice University - contributional perspective about diversity [3]

"others realize what I do about diversity..."
If I were you, I would delete the ...'s in front of what and exactly, and just make it either 'What? Exactly!' or '"What?" -Exactly!

Other than that- BRILLIANT! Honestly, the most unique and great essay I have read to date, and I have read plenty. Great job! I am sure you will get in based on this alone. I have no more corrections- the rest is absolutely perfect. again, great job! Good luck, although I doubt you'll need it! after these minor corrections that you can even ignore, I think it's ready to be submitted.

Check mine out, please? the NYU and Stanford supplements...

Undergraduate / Stanford Undergrad Admissions - What matters to you and why? -- Trusting myself [8]

It's a great essay in answering the topic, and certainly very unique- but I'm still not entirely sure what you are doing specifically- is it a specific style of dance or sport? you might want to name it...other than that, and the few errors I already saw corrected in the other responses, it looks to be an amazing essay, and definitely answers the prompt in a very interesting and personal matter. Great job! Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Stickers for Smiles' - Common App Extracurricular.. Shadowing A Doctor [12]

the phrase 'grimy germs' sounds a bit awkward, you should probably substitute one of them, as well as the 'bear eyes'- a bit too sappy... other than that, it's a good essay, although if you decided to follow your experiences there, focus more on one event- instead of the 'pretty receptionist' and the views, focus on just that one little boy story, elaborate some- how in the end, the emotional comfort helped him as much as the actual physical care, something like that, and conclude with what you gained from the experience. Good job, and good luck!

Undergraduate / 'The finite sources of energy' - Why Engineering and why Cornell [13]

I think that if it really is 'risky', you shouldnt mention it- on the contrary, persuade them why this is a viable path through your passion and enthusiasm. at least, state how you firmly believe that despite doubts, you can make this work. Also, be a bit more specific- include some more personal examples, add a touch that shows your unique personality a bit more, and a bit less abstract and vague than this is. Other than that, its really good, and shows some creative ideas. Good luck! my sister went to Cornell, it is a great school, so I wish you the best!

Undergraduate / Thomas Sowell Reader - Columbia Supplement - 3 short essays [6]

They are all good, although some polishing is still necessary. The first one is a bit risky, and the AO may find terms like 'livestock' a bit extreme or even be offended. Take some more care with that- its fine to express this in conversation, but on an application, you need to know that you can end up with any kind of sensitive person, or someone who does not agree. The biology one is nice, and is not as generic as most I've read by Biology majors- spice it up a bit and make it more personal, though...The last one is the best, and I really have no suggestions for that one. Good job! Good luck:)

Undergraduate / 'waiting for the hip-hop squad's turn' - JSU #2 about yourself or your interests [2]

Today is finally the day of Stuyvesant's Sing! production. I'm anxiously sitting on a bench waiting for our hip-hop squad's turn to perform. Someone comes backstage and tells us, "5 minutes until you guys are up!" A shiver goes down my spine and makes my whole body to tremble. "I need to calm down," I tell myself. So, I take out my iPod and play "O.M.G" by Usher ft. Will.I.Am to calm myself down . As the familiar lyrics penetrate my brain, I remember the events of my summer of 2010.

During my volunteer job at Kuei Luck Enrichment Center, I came in thinking it would be a normal summer job tutoring children. To my surprise, the head staff of the camp asked my fellow volunteers friends and me to put on a performance. Eventually we complied, and decided to dance to Usher's "OMG."is the song that important?

I struggled at first because I wasn't confident in my body; I constantly reminded myself on which move was next, resulting in awkward and stiff, robotic movements. My friend Andrew gave me some words of encouragement, "Kevin, stop! This isn't a memorization test." He was right; dance wasn't a series of choreography that one mindlessly memorizes, rather it's an expression of your emotions and energy. So, I gave up control and let my body do what it wanted. For the rest of the summer I spent afternoons at Andrew's house practicing. It eventually became a routine where we practiced at Kuei luck from 3 to 6, then practiced at Andrew's house from 6 to 9. I worked as hard as I could to make sure I didn't bring down the group. On the day of the performance... [is the transition awkward here?]nope

"It's time, let's go!" yells the producer. I put my iPod away, and enter the stage. As the music plays, I remember Andrew's words and let my body take over.

overall, a good essay, and shows something your learned- just check your grammar errors and don't focus on insignificant detail, but ones that showcase your personality- while it's great that you listened to your friend, you might want to also include a realization you came to yourself. Hope this helps, and good luck!

Undergraduate / Stanford supplement -- bungee jumping [6]

an interesting essay, and certainly very unique. I would suggest elaborating some more, because aside from your acrophobia and the fact that you apparently read Homer's epics, this doesnt tell us too many details about your personality- add a more personal touch, and provide more personal examples. you could talk about the jump itself, put some poetic stuff in there how you let go of your fear or something, and sum it up by elaborating on how that incident affected your life since. Hope this helps, and good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Moving away and going to college' - Stanford Roommate Letter [21]

The last version is much better, and makes you out to be an interesting person. the 'got all the girls' part is a bit excessive, and makes it seem like that's one of your priorities over say, intellectual vitality. I would substitute that with something else. Other than that, it's great, and definitely shows your personality. Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'determined to become a better swimmer' - Stanford -- What matters to you and why? [5]

Yes, I agree; while it is well-written, you do not exactly make the link between swimming and motivation, focus on that more, dramatize it, and don't focus on unnecessary details, just focus on it more; also, the conclusion is a bit generic- make it more personal! although honestly, its a bit late to make any huge changes- you dont seem to have a problem with grammar, so add a few clarifying sentences, and delete details that do not add to aesthetic appeal or your point, and you'll be good. Great job!