Posts by Tran Tong

Tran Tong

Oct 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Immigration figures for the UK [3]

The two tables illustrates the number of people coming into the UK during the period from 1984 to 2000. The first statictis table is the forecast, while the second one is the actual number of immigrants towards the UK. The over trend that can be infered from the two table is upward, however, there are small decreases during periods of 1986-1987, 1992 -1993, and 1996-1997, and then the trend continued going up.

The predictation seems not accurate for almost of statisticed period. For examples, in 1986 and 1987, they predicted a gradually increase in number of inmigrants, but the number dropped during this two years to 43 thousands, down from 60 thousands the year before. Moreover, the difference between the estimated figure and the performed is considerable with the largest amount is 20 thousands for the year of 1984 and 1985. However, they have successful year in 1989 when the estimated number and the acual number were equal as there were 80 thousands people crossing the UK's border to immigrant.

To sum up, in short periods, the inaccuracy may occur, but for the long run the forecase tends to reflect the real trend of immigration into the UK from1984 and 2000.

(201 words)

Tran Tong

Oct 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'Effects of government's spending on culture and education' [IELTS] Writing Task 1_1 [5]

I also have minor comments on your style. Maybe you need to avoid personal construction as you used "we" two times in task 1 of IELTS. Next time, it is helpful if you put the word count at the bottom of your essay.

Tran Tong

Oct 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / ancient humans formed rhythms by stones; traditional vs international music [3]

Hi Orxan,

Please provide the requirement of task 2. Does it require agree/disagree writing style?

About the introduction, it is long but unclear. Which side are you in? You support traditional or international music?

About the body, you cannot express why traditional music or international music is more interested. You wrote too much about what is the traditional or international music which I believe is beyond the requirement.

About the conclusion, I as a reader find myself confusing because I do not know what you want to say in this essay.

About the style, according to my point of view not 'according to me'. Do not start a sentence with 'but' or 'and' as my manager who is a native often advices me that. I may overlook many things, but I hope you will find my comments useful.

Tran Tong

Oct 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS; parents and schools are able to share the responsibility to educate children [2]

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these view and give our own opinion.

It is generally agreed that a person who shares his value and follows the rules set by the society is a valuable members of that society. To build up a person with those characteristics, in my opinion, would not be only the responsibility of parents, but the school should be involved in.

Home is the first ever school of children. The parents commerce to teach their kids many things to be used to with the order of a normal daily life such as how to eat, how to play, how to clean up their mess after playing. A house as a society has its own rule to keep everything in order and create an environment in which all members respect each other's value. Moreover, home lesson will continue having great impact on behaviors of children in the next charters of their lives.

It is likely impossible to make a person to be a good citizen without the involvement of the schools. Once a child goes to school, they are entering a wider community where teachers and peers will have just as much influence as their parents do at home. At school, children would experience working and living with people with different personalities and family backgrounds. They shall learn how to co-operate and support with each other in order to build a better society not only for themselves but others people.

There is no argument against the fact that children spend haft time of a day in school and the rest at home, therefore both parents and schools are able to share the responsibility to educate children to become a persons shall have valuable contributions for the society.

(277 words)

Tran Tong

Oct 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Immigration figures for the UK [3]

Thank you so much. Those are basic errors. Unacceptable. Normally, I cannot see all of my errors, even I've checked it very carefully.

Tran Tong

Oct 6, 2012

Scholarship / 'weak financial situation' Essay for Scholarship for Masters Degree [2]

I have a comment that your sentences are really long. Therefore, sometimes, it is hard to understand what do you mean. You need to control your ideas in short but not choppy sentences. That is what my teacher always asks me to do. Some sentences are lack of main verbs/subjects. Please take a look at punctuation also.

I take the first sentence as an example how you need to edit your essay.

I am applying for ----- under the --- merits of my 16 months of --- (development sector), meritorious academic achievements. However, financial difficulties and shortages of further needs are unable me to provide exceptional contributions to all that I have served and helped as they are extremely poor and ---- people to come out of poverty and distress.

Further, the blanks do prevent me a lot to follow your essay. Sorry that I cannot help you more, because I am not an excellent English-user.

Good luck with the scholarship.

Tran Tong

Oct 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 01 - Numbers of employed persons by job type and sex [2]

Dear All, I am not quite happy with my writing below, please give my your comments. Thank you so much.

As can be seen from the bar, there are more men be recruited than women in Australia within seven types of job which were studied during 2003.

Five out of seven job categories prefer men to be their employees. More men were managers than women with the proportion as 3 men against 1 woman. Men also dominated in semi professionals and laborers jobs. [...]

Tran Tong

Oct 8, 2012

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that there should be fixed punishment of crime. Others however [2]

Mankind is subject to imperfection and its own mistakes.
There are to ways to live a life either honorably or disgracefully. Crime thus needs to be punished as it is able to prevent people reacting with life negatively or repeating to conduct the wrong things. Standing on this ground, judiciary system plays ...

Laws are the written measurements of punishment which regulate or control the judgments of judicial system.

..., but the laws or regulations should allow modifying punishments base on consideration of inside and outside factors of each crime.
... cannot give a straight conclusion or decision without ... For example, hitting other people for self-protection or to save life of a human being should not be consider as an public disturbing offense. Otherwise, if .., it should be a crime and the culprit should be judged and receive punishment.

is very essential part of judgment = is a very essential part of
Without knowing exact details an innocent person = Being judged without considering exact details, an innocent person..

Tran Tong

Oct 8, 2012

Writing Feedback / visitors going to music sites / sales and prices of Coca Cola - IELTS Writing task 1 [3]

the numbers of Pop Parade's guesses stay around 120.000 = he numbers of Pop Parade's guests stays around 120.000

this figure reduced gradually until the fifth day, then rising slowly but suddenly reaching its bottom on the day after that, at lower than 40.000 = ... then it rose ... but suddenly it reached. I think then + V-ing if the verb before then is in form of V-ing also.

In the first year of twenty century= twenty first century (2001)

Tran Tong

Oct 8, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Investment in public transportation to against pollution; Agree/ Disagree [NEW]

The policy to increase spending on public transportation to reduce air pollution has been common in many cities in developed countries. Besides, a number of governments in developing countries are beginning to put more attentions into this solution as it can help them to deal with the same problem more efficiently. I believe that it is because the policy has been agreed by the majority in every where.

Low fare of metro or bus may attract more people using this kind of public service. Especially, students and low-income citizens seem to be influenced heavily by economic measure. Moreover, comfortable buses or trains and convenient routes are able to please variety types of people when they allow them to get rid of terrible weather conditions or difficulties on raising petrol cost. As representing for a great proportion of the population, they help to solve the air pollution when they leave their individual motorbikes at home. Consequently, less individual vehicles means less green gases released.

Well-invested buses and trains with less gas emission is another factor that guarantee for the success of the policy as it is environmentally friendly. In Scandinavia's nations, spending for the study of and using hydro buses on their roads are convincing evidences for the commitment of their governments to protect the environment. Moreover, the increasing on using public transportation creates a possibility to solve traffic jams which in general are the main cause of air pollution in almost big cities nowadays.

There is no doubt that spending national budget for public transportation is an overwhelming policy that more governments need to think about. It is because this investment benefits not only the environment but also the infrastructure in those cities.

(283 words)

Please give me your comments and I will help you also :). Thank you, guys.

Tran Tong

Oct 10, 2012

Writing Feedback / Property prices and rents affected the livelihood of many Hong Kong people? [2]

among last five years = among the last five years

The issue of marriage head for the rocks on mainland = sorry but I don't understand this issue

men wed for passion = ... do you mean "passion" = "lust"

does a man looks = does a man look

women seem just expect their future husbands be the rich and influential = ... be rich (Adj) or influential (Adj). You mean the rich but we don't have the influential, therefore you sentence not parallel. It's my opinion, you may disagree

As far as they own a car and willing to share the expenses of dating, it is much more better = ... and be willing to pay expenses for dating, they are ideal for women.

... want to have a better life or getting retirement earlier and they want their future partner can take care of them = women always crave for a better life or be free from hardworking time or financial hardships and they certainly expect their future partners are able to take care of them.

As for the men, what do they expect from their brides? Emotional involvement in the relationship ranked the highest --> you need to develop more or just delete this part. There is no link between these sentences and the next sentences.

leading to postponing marriage = leading to the marital postponement

Apart from the problem of delayed marriage = ... the problems that delay marriage. You need to delete the last sentence of the above paragraph because you save the second one to write more about this issue.

are unable to buy their own house and rent for one, the rents ... = ..., but rent for one. The rent is ...

On top of that, the huge prices and rents is a big impact of their quality of life. Some may think that they do not want to spend a huge amount of money for housing. Therefore, those people will find some lodgings which are cheaper but low quality. For instance, some may rent for a sub-divided house to live in. Those sub-divided houses are not safe and too crowded. There are no fire protection equipments and the smoke door are always blocked. It is really dangers to live in there.--> The purpose of the third paragraph? You need to be concise. Combine this with the second paragraph.

Many youths today are under great pressure. The government should not stand aloof from the problem. It is vital that the government put its efforts to cool the runnig property market and adopted various measure to curb rising property prices. --> it is not a conclusion. Please revise and complete you essay.

I hope my contributions are helpful. Keep writing ^_^

Tran Tong

Oct 10, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Traditional and International music complete each other. [4]

and let free your personality = and to free your personality

Is the international network between nations, you don't need to speak a certain language to be understood = there is a unified language that link nation to nation, with people do not need to ...

Because music comes in ... = it is because music ...

Because music comes in so many styles it brings a lot of controversy also, and one of them is the discrepancy between traditional and international music --> those sentences cause confusions. It seems that you go against what you stated in the previous sentences. Do you mean "despite the fact that music is the universal language, music in different country has its own distinct characteristics.

you may learn more about = young people --> try not using you, we ...

becomes more and more world spread = more and more spreading across nations/all over the worlds

connected with the outside world = with the other sides of the world

Tran Tong

Oct 10, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Sport man makes more money than other. Discuss both views [2]

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal of more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Thousands years ago, the Greece invented many playful games and gradually upgraded them to what we call sports nowadays. Players are free of charge at the beginning, but now when sports becoming a serious industry it has created many millionaires such as football, tennis, baseball sportsman and so on. Some people argue that it is completely wasteful when paying a fortune for playing persons. However, I have a bias towards the principal that who has contribution for the society they deserve to be paid off.

To be success in sport area, besides a nurture gift, those persons ought to practice really hard. Their job are as serious as other careers, therefore any discrimination on payment is unacceptable. Another point is that their success in sport does not only benefit themselves but also their nations' reputation if they achieve a world prize or championship. The money paid to sportsman for the honor they may bring for their countries is just a minor investment against billions dollar spending for wars or weapons.

However, some sportsmen have stuck their images with scandals, drugs, or even prostitutes. This is a phenomenon of overpaying for particular sport stars. Many owners of consuming manufacture really to pay millions dollar to get a famous athlete represent for their products which promises dramatic sale revenue. Easy earnings could lead to easy spending for luxury or even illegal things of a few of sportsmen.

To sum up, everything has two sides, but in this case I believe the downside is just a minor issue compared to greater benefits that sport professional people could contribute for society. For all above, they are worthy of a dream income.

(278 words)