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Posts by lulwut
Joined: Nov 25, 2012		 Last Post: Dec 31, 2012
Threads: 5
Posts: 25  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 30
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lulwut   
Nov 25, 2012
Undergraduate / "Bad Investments?" Common App Short Answer [9]

This is my first post and this forum seems pretty strict! Please tell me if I messed anything up!

"Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum)."

Though I sometimes think of myself as a perfectionist, I never was the "Look before you leap" type. It always seemed to me that the best way to learn and gain experience was through trial and error. Unfortunately, I still abstained from this philosophy when I purchased my first stock in my sophomore year of high school. When I bought that single share of Google I didn't consider that I could lose a significant amount of the money that I had invested, but I was eager to see what I was capable of.

It wasn't long before the stock dropped. I had failed, but I persistently bought into another company, refusing this as a final outcome. Looking back at my choices, I wasn't trying to profit as much as I was trying to figure out how to profit. That's why I enjoy trading stocks: not only because it is exciting to see success every once in a while, but also because there is nothing like gaining a bit more understanding of how the market, one of the most mysterious things in the world, works.

This is the first draft, so I would appreciate as much criticism as you guys can give me.
lulwut   
Nov 25, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Not a fine artist yet' - Short Answer on GRAPHIC DESIGN [3]

I don't think you took enough time to explain why you like graphic design. IMO it would greatly improve the quality of the essay if you squeezed a sentence or two in about why you're passionate about it.

Also, please take a look at my short answer! :)
lulwut   
Nov 25, 2012
Undergraduate / 'applying to jobs during college' -UC (why my accomplishment makes me proud) [3]

"By being born and raised in a family like this has definitely shaped who I am today and how I was able to make one of my best accomplishments."

B eing born and raised in a family like this has definitely shaped who I am today and how I was able to make one of my best accomplishments.

__________
"My father is a man who puts his children before himself, if we need something he will get it for us, if we are sad he will care for us, if we are mad he will try to understand why."

Because "My father is a man who puts his children before himself.", "If we need something he will get it for us.", "If we are sad he will care for us." and "If we are mad he will try to understand why." are all sentences on their own, those commas should be semi-colons (;). Alternatively, you could change the sentence to something along the lines of: "My father is a man who puts his children before himself; who will, if we need something, get it for us; who, if we are sad, will care for us; and who, if we are mad, will try to understand why." You could also break it up into two or three sentences. It may seem like a lot, but I think it flows a bit better.

__________
"As a result, he ends up spending a great deal amount of money to provide four children with food, shelter, clothes and help pay for anything else that we need to live."

As a result, he ends up spending a great deal of money to provide four children with food, shelter, clothes and anything else that we need to live.

__________
"Once I was about to start college I started to worry about how much my dad will have to spend in order to pay for my school supplies, books, clothes and any other financial fees I would need to pay for."

Once I was about to start college I started to worry about how much my dad would have to spend in order to pay for my school supplies, books, clothes and any other financial fees I would need to pay for.

__________
"Since I was a kid I would never like to ask my dad for money, I always felt..."
Since I was a kid I never liked to ask my dad for money. I always felt..."
__________
"...money more than I wish I would have too ."
...money more than I wish I would have to .
__________
I stopped looking at grammar around halfway through. Some of the "My dad..." sentences could be changed to "He...". Also, I think it would help a lot to have the structure changed a bit, so that what you want to say in the final paragraph isn't only said at the very end.

Sorry if this seems like a lot! I think you chose a really good topic, but should maybe focus more on the job rather than your father's financial struggles. I'd appreciate a bit of feedback on my short answer response in return as well!
lulwut   
Nov 25, 2012
Undergraduate / 'mother's pessimism' - UT Austin [3]

"I noticed the relationship I have between my mother and I is a love hate relationship like every other daughter or son may say, but in my situation I claim this relationship as the true definition of what a love hate relationship should be ."

I believe that "...between my mother and I..." should be changed to "...with my mother...". The original is redundant.
There should be a comma between relationship and like: "...relationship, like...".
"...in my situation..." is unnecessary and clutters the sentence a bit, so I would advise leaving it out.
"...I claim this relationship as..." should be "...I claim this relationship to be...".
"...should be," would sound better as "...is.".

I noticed the relationship I have with my mother is a love hate relationship, like every other daughter or son may say, but I claim this relationship to be the true definition of what a love hate relationship is .

__________
"I have the stereotypical Asian mother who expects the most out of you because of the Japanese culture she was raised growing up in. I'm a typical American teenager who likes to be social like the rest of the world, so sometimes I might not listen to my mom."

I would recommend removing "...growing up..." and combining these sentences:
I have the stereotypical Asian mother who expects the most out of you because of the Japanese culture she was raised in, but I'm a typical American teenager who likes to be social like the rest of the world, so sometimes I might not listen to my mom.

__________
"She never looks through my perspective or can never understand my explanation..."

I advise removing "...can never..." and changing "...understand..." to "...understands...":
She never looks through my perspective or understands my explanation...
__________
Lastly, I don't think its appropriate to use "...24/7..." in an essay like this, so consider changing it to "...constantly..." or something similar.

Other than that, I think the structure of your essay is good, although I think it would help a lot to state how you use your mother's negative feedback as encouragement earlier on.

Please take a look at my short answer if you have the time. I'd appreciate some critical feedback.
lulwut   
Nov 25, 2012
Undergraduate / "Fall seven times, stand up eight" - UC application prompt #1 [6]

I think Esther hit the nail on the head, but here's a grammar mistake in case you haven't already fixed it.
"All I cared about were getting good grades..."
This should be changed to:
All I cared about was getting good grades...
lulwut   
Nov 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Personal Statement: Weight Loss! [4]

"how I can start change my eating habits."
how I can start changing my eating habits.
__________
"This accomplishment and significant quality defines"
The way this is worded it seems as though there are two accomplishments that you are referring to. Consider saying "This accomplishment defines..." or "This significant quality defines..." instead.

I feel like you don't start talking about the overall topic of the essay early enough. Although you're clearly very proud of your accomplishment, you shouldn't focus your writing on what you did so much as what you learned you were able to do from it, and how you learned that. This is what colleges will look for in your essay.

I hope this was helpful! Please give my short answer a bit of criticism if you get a chance.
lulwut   
Nov 26, 2012
Undergraduate / (cacophony) - UVa What is your favorite word? [3]

I think what you have so far is very good, but I also feel like your last paragraph has a lot of room to be expanded and made more meaningful.

Hope this helps! Also, please check out my short answer if you get a chance.
lulwut   
Nov 26, 2012
Undergraduate / "Bad Investments?" Common App Short Answer [9]

Here's a revision I made:

I never was the "Look before you leap" type. It always seems to me that the best way to learn and gain experience is through trial and error. Unfortunately, I continued to abstain from this philosophy when, in my sophomore year of high school, I purchased my first stock. When I bought that single share of Google, I had not considered that I could lose a significant amount of money, but I was eager to see what I was capable of.

It wasn't long before the stock dropped. Even though I had failed, I bought into yet another company. I would not let loss be the final result of my ventures. Now that I've looked back at the choices I've made, I've noticed that I wasn't trying to profit as much as I was trying to figure out how to profit. That's why I enjoy trading stocks: not only because it is exciting to see success every once in a while, but also because there is nothing like gaining a bit more understanding of how the stock market, one of the world's most mysterious things, works.

Thanks for the help! I'd still like any other advice from anyone who cares to give it.
lulwut   
Nov 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'An inexperienced pony' - Common app essay - topic of your choice [2]

Though I have seen a lot of essays on riding horses, I must say, this is my favorite. I really like the humorous way you start off the essay!

"1) I was sitting on a massive animal and 2) they smelled a little funny."
I think that it would make the essay appear better to actually write out the numbers and use colons instead of parentheses. "One: I was sitting..."

There should also be a comma between "animal" and "and".

"Instead of expecting and demanding, I patiently spent months finding the right buttons to press and levers to pull to make her the superstar I knew she could be."

This sentence seems a little awkward when I read it. Maybe consider inserting "results" in between demanding and I?

"I was so proud, not of the ribbon, but of the fact that I was diligent and patient enough to not only teach myself, but an animal as well."

I would probably split this into two sentences. "I was so proud. Not of the ribbon, but..."
The end of the sentence also seems a bit wordy. You could consider changing it to "...patient enough to teach myself as well as an animal." It sounds redundant to say "but" twice.

"I will gain nothing if I expect to receive everything, whether it be related to horseback riding, or everyday life."
This statement doesn't seem broad enough in my opinion. Consider adding something like "or any other aspect of life.", or maybe substituting it for "or everyday life."

"The only way I will truly gain is by learning through hard work, patience, and diligence."
This is another sentence that sounds a little awkward. I would change it to:
The only way I will truly gain anything is by learning through hard work, patience, and diligence.

I also feel that your writing seems too much like a story and not enough like an essay. I'm not sure if colleges will like that. Maybe you could drop fragments from the last paragraph into the middle of the essay?

I hope this was of some use to you! Please give my short answer a review too.

EDIT: One more thing. I think that you should choose the first essay prompt:

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

What you wrote about is definitely a significant experience, so I think that it qualifies. I hope this helps you make revisions!
lulwut   
Dec 14, 2012
Undergraduate / Common App Essay Prompt 1, Building a Raft [7]

Please read first:
So, I tried writing my common app essay about a raft I built when I was younger, and I got kind of stuck. Here is the roughest of rough drafts. Please tell me any suggestions on things that I should add, what I should change, and anything that you think is missing from the essay. Thanks!

Also, If this thread has any additional drafts, please see those instead of the following draft.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (250-500 words)

We had no previous experience with constructing something like this. We had no power tools, little money, and nobody else around to help us. My two friends and I knew that building a raft wouldn't be an easy task, but through our determination and hard work we believed we could do it. It would be just like the raft that Tom Sawyer had used in the novels we read that summer. We had noticed our nearly inexistent resources, and had decided that it would be best to used recycled materials for the raft: a tall stack of old, muddy, planks; a few sheets of partially burnt plywood; and some rusty saws and nails.

We started by building a six foot by eight foot frame to put the plywood on. It seemed a simple enough task. We dragged out all the pieces of wood, laid them down next to each other, argued about the dimensions a bit, and then took turns cutting through the dense wood. While we were still confused about the design, we accidentally cut in half our already perfect planks, thinking that they were scraps, which was a setback to say the least! It was too late to stop, though. We had already caught the disease that is creation. We wanted so badly to see our work finished, to feel the pride of having made something so impressive on our own.

After days of cutting, we nailed all our pieces together, trimmed the burnt sheets of plywood, and attached them as well. It was all coming along nicely, until I had suggested that maybe we wouldn't have enough buoyancy to float. Oops. We hadn't actually considered that the raft was fairly thin, and might be hard to keep above the water with three people on it. But we couldn't stop now! We had gotten so far! There had to be a solution to this problem.

We tossed around ideas for a few days, considering anything from building up on top of what we already had to attaching big outriggers to the bottom. Nothing seemed good until one day we found the answer. My friend had found some 50 gallon drums in his basement and they were the ideal size to secure to the bottom of the raft! It all worked out and we agreed that we could not have made a sturdier, more functional raft.

You wouldn't believe how many times we floated down the river in it! Well, as it turns out, we didn't really have a method of transporting it to the river, so rather than being used, it has been sitting in my back yard for years. Instead of looking back at it regretfully, I see it as a trophy. It signifies the friendship I have with two of my best friends. It exemplifies what dedication and persistence can really do. So this winter, when I go around to the shed in my back yard to grab a snow shovel, I'll see the raft, covered in snow, and I'll smile, remembering what we made.
lulwut   
Dec 15, 2012
Undergraduate / Common App Essay Prompt 1, Building a Raft [7]

Thanks for the feedback, very constructive. A like to you, my good sir. I'll try to take a look at your essay as soon as I can, but currently I'm swamped with work! >.<
lulwut   
Dec 15, 2012
Undergraduate / Caters to various interests of students; Boston U/ Why BU is a good fit for you? [4]

I really like the comparison of colleges to food. It grabs the readers interest off the start, and isn't the same old bland short essay that the admissions office must read all the time.

"Boston University is the only school that possesses the amenities I desire and thus is the school I know I am meant to attend."

I feel that this last sentence might turn off the admissions office a bit. I know that isn't your intention, but consider changing it to, "...is the school I know I want to attend." or something similar.

"...I have experienced firsthand how welcoming and friendly are. "
...I have experienced firsthand how welcoming and friendly they are.

"...BU's renowned faculty does not simply teach"
Consider changing this sentence a bit. They more than likely already know that their college has a very good selection of teachers, and in this sentence it is as if you are informing them of it.

"More than that, the environment at and adjacent to BU fosters diversity, culture, and community all of which are important to me."
More than that, the environment at and adjacent to BU fosters diversity, culture, and community, all of which are important to me.

Overall, a very good essay, where little revising is needed. I hope I helped a bit. Please take a look at my Common App essay as well! :)
lulwut   
Dec 23, 2012
Undergraduate / AMHERST SUP- Achievement more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted/ "Struggle" [2]

The topic of money as an obstacle is a little cliche, but I don't know what your circumstances are, so I should have no say in what you choose.

"...applying to schools that I would have never dreamed of,"
...applying to schools that I never would have dreamed of,

"The child who could not afford to take extracurricular activities heightened her desire to not only excel in schoolwork but to expand her capacities into art and music."

I don't know if this sentence and the ones that follow express your ideas in the best way. Talking in the third person just sounds a little confusing. Maybe:

Being a child who could not afford to take extracurricular activities heightened my desire to not only excel in schoolwork but to expand my capacities into art and music.

The same would go for the sentences following it.

After reading the whole essay I thought that it would make more sense to emphasize exactly what obstacles were in your way. Instead of saying that money was a problem in the way that you did in your first paragraph, I feel like you could condense everything that you have currently by removing most of the fluff, and then go on to talk about how much you were affected by overcoming this obstacle.

Talking about the vicious cycle that the dispersion of money causes seems a little unnecessary in the beginning and might be a bit off topic. Dropping this sentence and combining the first and second paragraph would make more sense to me.

Lastly, I checked your word count, as the essay seemed a bit over 300 words. According to MS Word, It's 370 words, 70 over the prompt. Though the last paragraph is relatively long, I think that rewording it a bit, and instead taking a few sentences, such as the third sentence of the first paragraph, from the first two paragraphs while combining the two would be the best approach, assuming you don't change much of the structure of your essay.

I hope this helped you a bit! If it did, please like my post :). Also, I would appreciate a review of my Babson supplement.
lulwut   
Dec 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The job I both hate and love' - COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER - EXTRACURRICULARS [2]

"Skills" in the second paragraph is used twice in a row. Switch one to, "lessons," or another synonym.

Maybe in the first paragraph you should consider talking more about the skills you gained and used. I know you're already at your character limit, but I'm sure you wouldn't have trouble finding a sentence to remove while keeping the same meaning.

Grammar all looks good, and the topic seems good too, so that's all I've got. Look at my Babson supplement, if you can.
lulwut   
Dec 23, 2012
Undergraduate / I like to sleep, but I love to stay up late; Babson Supplement: Letter to Roommate [3]

Please give me your harshest review! Don't tell me you like it so that I might feel inclined to look at your essay; Instead be as constructive as possible to save both your time and mine. Thanks in advance!

Write a letter to your first-year roommate at Babson. Tell him or her what it will be like to live with you, why you chose Babson, and what you are looking forward to the most in college. (No word limit.)

Dear Future Roommate,

Hello! My name is Marco and I'll be your roommate starting this fall. I'll take this opportunity to tell you a little about myself, though I expect we'll learn much more about each other in the future.

I'm a fairly neat type of person. I like to sleep, but I love to stay up late. People who know me well might call me a perfectionist, but I like to think that I just challenge myself. I'm addicted to creating things, from computer programs to secret handshakes. I might seem a little nerdy at times, but I enjoy playing sports and being physically active. When it comes to music, I listen to many genres, so I'm pretty open to listening to what other's like. I like to experiment and I try to learn new things often. I could go on with this list of characteristics, but I would rather show you once I see you.

The reason I chose to apply to Babson is that I am drawn to its expertise in teaching using actual experience. I believe that there is no better way to learn than to do, so it seemed to me that it was a good fit for my personality. I plan to major in entrepreneurship, which played a major role in my decision to apply here. I have always been one to work hard for what I am passionate about, and I enjoy taking risks and making decisions, so I believe that having this major at Babson would provide me with the perfect opportunity to pursue my aim of entrepreneurship.

Once I get into college, I am most eager to experience the many courses I will be taking that are more intellectually stimulating than classes I have had in high school. Nothing animates me more than a challenge, so I am glad to have been accepted into a college that is known for its difficult courses. I'm excited to meet you and see what you are like as well. I hope that we can become friends and get along well as roommates.

Best regards,

Marco Giancarli
lulwut   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / "Tesla?"; It was my mistake.; UVa Supp/ [4]

Here it is. The word limit is 250, and I'm at around 230, so I have a bit of space to add things if you guys think it would help. Also, among other things, could someone check my comma usage? I'm not totally sure if they're correct. Thanks!

Discuss something you secretly like and pretend not to, or vice versa.

"Tesla?"

We named her Tesla, after the very elegant and orderly scientist. It was my mistake.

Allow me to explain. Last May my family adopted a puppy. I wanted to get a large dog, but, instead, she was a mix between a Chihuahua and a Dachshund, dubbed a "Chiweenie" by my sister. She is an adorable little dog who loves to bite and scratch, and is poorly trained. Occasionally, she will even leave "presents" for us to clean up. I don't know a single person who has a dog that behaves worse.

When my friends come to my house this small, evil creature will run circles around them and pester them to no end. "You have the most annoying dog I've ever seen!" they tell me, and, looking at Tesla's antics, I am forced to agree. How could I say no with her jumping on them and biting their fingers?

Later, I'll say goodbye and close the door, and immediately look down at her, and she will look back up at me. There is no way I could explain it to my friends, but I love my dog. When she's not so excited, she is the cutest thing in the world to me, but what kind of teenage guy says something like that? No; instead of honesty, I'll choose to avoid ridicule from my friends. I don't think any of them would understand it.
lulwut   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Produce Software; UVa Sup/ Engineering: what would you do? [5]

Currently I'm at 212 of a maximum of 250 words, and I'm out of ideas. Any advice on things that could use more elaboration or revising? Thanks!

Engineering: If you were given funding for a small engineering project, what would you do?

For as long as I can remember, I have been drawn to computers. There is just something about the creative freedom that computers give that inspires me in a way that nothing else can. I don't only enjoy using them, though; I also find it irresistible to program and create things within them. One thing in particular that I have been thinking about is making an operating system from scratch.

An operating system, by definition, should do two things: manage all of the resources (memory, processing power, etc.) and provide an environment for applications to run and use hardware. Building one is in no way an easy task, but given a few thousand hours and enough dedication, it can be done. It would be the perfect low-budget project as well, costing little more than enough for a few computers and some software.

I'm not the most advanced programmer, and I don't have an extremely extensive knowledge of how computers work, but this task could present me with both an exciting challenge and a wonderful learning opportunity. I'm very interested in producing software, so while the idea of a development of this scale may seem like a daunting challenge to some, I see it as a chance to have fun and be innovative.
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