Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by mela3
Joined: Dec 28, 2012
Last Post: Dec 30, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 37  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 39
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
mela3   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Leadership is an art, not a quality; North Carolina / Leadership [7]

I like your essay very much, Black and White. It is very well-written and succinct; you are able to adress your topic without becoming redundant or giving into unecessary information. I agree that you might want to address your role in these organizations a bit more, just so that we can get a greater idea of how you exhibited leadership skills.
mela3   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Spanish major, College of Arts and Science/ Cornell Supplement [3]

Very good essay. You addressed all parts of the prompt in a way that makes the writing flow. There is one bit that you might want to tweak, the part where you say "I thought to my naĂŻve thirteen year old mind..." Maybe you could rearrange it to "My naive, thirteen-year-old self though..." or something along those lines? Other than that, good job. I wish you the best of luck.
mela3   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Forrest Gump/Biology/new environment; NYU Sup /Intrigues/Academic interest/Why NYUAD? [3]

Good job, just remember to keep your tenses the same throughout your writing ( change "opens" to "opened", "teaches" to "taught"). Perhaps you could say "It opened the window to this flourishing world..." and "I vividly remember hiking up a mountain once" and "Seeing the tiny, pollen-covered bee"? "That is, without the bees collecting nectar, we, human, may lose the supply of food and starve to death." I would recommend removing "that is" and rephrasing it to "Without the bees collecting nectar, humans may lose a portion of their food supply." Perhaps you could use this "Thus, the bond between the ecosystem and humanity is unimaginably strong-- one missing piece can have a profound, and possibly disastrous, influence." I would suggest removing "on which our living relies" and rephrase to "I felt an impulse to unravel the mysteries of our environment, including what it is that keeps the circle of life in full motion."

Good Luck! =)
mela3   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / I'm freezing. ; Pomona sup [6]

Great essay! I agree with the above mentioned suggestions. There is one minor thing i noticed that you could chose to ignore. " openly gay United States Senator, OR they voted the opposite and their incentive to cast a ballot was meant as an effort to secure the position that a gay..."

Best of luck to you!
mela3   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / academic rigor and competitiveness/ best students; Columbia SUPP/ Why Columbia? [7]

I agree with the above comments. Columbia gets tons of applicants, and many of them mention what you just did. Also, there are many schools just like Columbia, with the same resources and just as competitive. Try to make it a bit more personal. I wouldn't call it "boastful" exactly. Perhaps prideful. It does sound like you are interested in the status of the university, as well as your own, more than anything else. These schools want to see more than the academic side. There are tons of extremely intelligent applicants. What makes you different? What makes you more than a letter grade/GPA? Of course its important to test yourself and want to be in the company of students who take education seriously, but there is more to it than that. It is a good essay, just be careful with your tone, and try to be a bit more "personal." These are just suggestions. Feel free to disagree. This is ultimately YOUR work.

Best of luck =)
mela3   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / "Culture refines us"; Princeton essay- Role of Culture!! [3]

I think your essay is very good. You are clearly quite intelligent and have a strong vocabulary. However, that can hurt you. There are moments in your essay in which it seems like you are trying too hard with your vocab. For example, "I hail from India, a country blessed with myriad cultures that are distinct from each other but amalgamate at certain junctions in a subtle manner." Try to make this sentence a bit simpler. I love your vocabulary, but using so many of these complex words at once doesnt always send the right message. Best of luck to you! =)
mela3   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Canceling anger/ Personal essay/ Common App. [9]

Pretty good essay. I understand what you are saying. There are a few mistakes here and there that you might want to tweak. There is a typo where you mention "restraining temper". You might want to consider rephrasing this sentence "I have been working in a souvenir shop for teenagers so I myself was naturally attracted by the beautiful items." Perhaps write "Gradually, I tried to stand in customers' shoes, understand what it is they wanted, then go out and attempt to persuade them." I would consider removing "perhaps since I don't have time to think about it." It gives off a strange tone. I know this essay is about canceling anger, but try not to sound too angry =)

Best of luck to you!
mela3   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Feel real/Citizens of the world; Princeton Supplement;Culture/Speech of Woodrow [14]

You are a very gifted writer. You are not oly writing an essay, you are telling a us a story. I agree with the changes ding337 has made, but I am unable to pick an essay like they did. They are both very well-written and, in my opinion, extremely insightful. It is very easy to get lost in the more material, superficial pleasures of this world. So much so that we lose contact with what is true, or "real" as you have phrased it. It is also easy to forget that, while we may be seperated geographically and ethnically, we are all inhabitants of this world. I do not envy you this choice; I wouldn't be able to choose one over the other. Go with your gutt instinct. At the end of the day, it is your opinion that outweighs any of ours. It was a pleasure reading this. I wish you all of the best.
mela3   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Shadowed a young Dermatologist; Boston University Accelerated Programs [2]

Awesome essay! It flows very well and answers all parts of the prompt. I cannot think of any suggestions. You seem to have covered it all! I am apllying to the same program. If you have a minute or two, would you be willing to take a look at my essay? I would be very grateful.
mela3   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Canceling anger/ Personal essay/ Common App. [9]

I think you could make the reason argument stronger. it seems as though the majority of the essay focusses on WHAT made you angry rather than how you channelled and canceled out that anger. Perhaps build up the final paragraph a bit more?
mela3   
Dec 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / Successful Women in Saudi Arabia [6]

This entire essay revolves around these women. I think you might want to consider making a personal connection to their achievements. What does it mean to you? How has it affected you/ your perception? I agree with Hellogoodbye's comment regarding your use of "we". Who is "we"? Try to be a bit more personal. Connect to what you are writing. Do not generalize it. Other than that, good job and good luck to you! :)
mela3   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / My labor of love; UIUC essay/ Motivation to transfer [5]

prestigious institution

I'm always worried about statements like this; it can give off the wrong vibe and make it sound as though you are interested in the school just because of its name/reputation

Also, being naturally competent at physics and logical analysis gave me an edge

maintain the same tense in your writing

As you can see it wasn't a really difficult decision I was making when I chose engineering as my labor of love.

Growing up in the mysterious land of India and playing hide and seek in its intriguing alleyways

I remember a river

few rare

choose either few or rare, together they are redundant

One of the earliest memories I have of my childhood are the

no comma after childhood

These are just some suggestions. I enjoyed reading your essay very much. Best of luck to you!
mela3   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / MIT essay // Most significant challenge // Father's alcoholism [14]

I think your essay is very good-- both the revised and original versions. I don't think you need to expand upon the robotics here. It seems as though you use the robotics team to serve as an instigator of change, so there is really no need to talk of your accomplishments there in depth. Good job and good luck! :)
mela3   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / When I was young, I wanted to be an Egyptologist / Johns Hopkins; Pursue what & why? [8]

Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did?

When I was young, I wanted to be an Egyptologist. I remember picking up my mother's book on the ancient civilization and falling in awe with the mummies. That's what started it all: a mummy. I could not understand how bodies could be preserved to withstand thousands of years of elemental antagonism, or how a people so far removed from modern technological and medicinal breakthroughs could have carried out such an incredible feat. In my young mind, it was magical.

Over the years, my desire to be an Egyptologist faded, though my fascination with human anatomy did not; it grew, fueled by my aging grandparents and their frequent hospital visits. At one point, I could have walked the halls of our local hospital blindfolded; I knew it that well. It was the hospital visits that drew me to science. I began to observe the staff work, as well as the patients they worked on, and began to wonder how it was possible, just as I had with the mummies. I was older then and understood some science, but it was not until I began to take true science courses that it all began to fit together in biology and chemistry. I loved these subjects immediately. They drew me in and refused to let me go (not that I would ever want them to). Through these majors, I want to learn of the How and Why of our bodies. Most importantly, like the ancient Egyptians, I want to help preserve life.
mela3   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / When I was young, I wanted to be an Egyptologist / Johns Hopkins; Pursue what & why? [8]

I was referencing the hospital visits made because of my ailing grandparents:

fueled by my aging grandparents and their frequent hospital visits.

I see what you mean with "work". thank you

The problem lies in the length of the essay-- only 250 words. I will try to cut out some unecessary parts and elabrate a bit on my attraction to biochem.
mela3   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / I & my grandfather; Johns Hopkins Sup/ more about me [4]

I see we both care about our grandparents :)
Its a brilliantly written essay. I ony suggest that you flip one sentence around.

I am amazed at his resilience, knowing what he has gone through, having lost his wife and his career as an engineer, and having been evicted from his home of 50 years for not being able to sustain the lifestyle he once could.

Perhaps flip it around to Knowing what he has gone through-- having lost his wife, his career as an engineer, and having been evicted from his home of 50 years for not being able to sustain the lifestyle he once could-- I am amazed at his resilience.
mela3   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Bike Rides and Life Lessons- Johns Hopkins/ Interests [8]

Tell us something about yourself or your interests that we wouldn't learn by looking at the rest of your application materials.

I learned how to ride a bike when I was eleven. It would not be as embarrassing of a statement if my friends had not already surpassed me in their two-wheeler skills by age eight (ouch). It wasn't that I was afraid of it, or that I did not have the time. Believe me, between completing spelling sheets and watching afternoon cartoons, I had time. The problem was, I did not want to fall.

Children commonly fear falling, but I was different. My fear of falling morphed into a fear of scraped limbs and torn jeans, which morphed into a fierce determination to be the first eleven year old in history ( or at least my street) that had learned to ride a bike without making sudden impact with the ground. So, one summer afternoon, I took my neglected bicycle out for a spin. Well, I tried taking it for a spin. What actually ensued were five glorious hours spent pedaling forward one foot and then stopping whenever the bike began to teeter. Despite the frustrated words from my parents who had gotten quite tired of the endless "stop and go," I was determined to get it right, and I did. I succeeded. When I think back on that day, the thought of falling isn't as horrible. I now wish I had fallen and learned early on that the point of life is not trying to stay steady, but learning how to get back up again when balance is lost.
mela3   
Dec 29, 2012
Essays / The struggle for identity; Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison [3]

Your essay is good, but you have a tendency to be a bit repetitive in places. Go through it again and read it outloud. LIsten to how it sounds and look for places where you are saying the same things, but in different ways. Good luck with your college search!
mela3   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Taking a // MIT essay // Attribute of Personality [3]

Like the town fool of olden times, I give people someone to laugh at, a nd I don't mind

AndW hether it be funky dancing

it alienates noone

ButE ventually I came to accept and cherish my role in social circles

Good essay! And good luck to you!
mela3   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Right crowd; The alarm clock can be bothersome indeed/ U Chicago; Why? & Arch-nemesis [2]

Even though it would give me great delight to destroy it, I hold myself back for one reason: I cannot live without my arch-nemesis.

My arch nemesis, the alarm clock, can be bothersome indeed.

I had no idea you were talking about an alarm clock until the end. If that is what you were going for, it worked. I like this essay very much. I used this topic when I applied early action to UChicago. Best of luck to you!
mela3   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Bike Rides and Life Lessons- Johns Hopkins/ Interests [8]

Unfortunately, the essay cannot exceed 250 words. I was aiming to tell them of an experience I had and a lesson that can be drawn from it. If I had more leeway, I would definitely go more in depth with how this lesson has proven true in more current years.
mela3   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Christmas Eve dinner; UChicago - Invent A Past For Present Supplement [23]

This is a very good story. I enjoyed reading it very much. You can be a little "comma happy" in your writing. Dont be afraid to plop a period down every now and then :) and try to remain in the same tense throughout your writing. Other than that, great job. When I applied to UChicago, I was wary of this prompt, but you approached it very well and with great originality. Best of luck to you!
mela3   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Christmas Eve dinner; UChicago - Invent A Past For Present Supplement [23]

I understood that there was some greater connection being made between the character and yourself from your introductory paragraphs. There are moments at the end of your essay that you can be a little redundant. Perhaps cut a few of those bits out and give yourself some room to insert some hints regarding the parallels?
mela3   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Christmas Eve dinner; UChicago - Invent A Past For Present Supplement [23]

The cacophony caused by the droplets of water seized.

not necessary

The internal struggle raged.

This feeling that engulfed him made him want to do something.

this could be cut

Not only that, but he would be able to satisfy his thirst for knowledge in the library by answering his unanswered questions that ranged from why emeralds are green to the origin of the cosmos.

this part isnt redundant, but the essay could do without it

His family could live on his and his mother's wages but

again, not really necessary

He held his mother, looked into her eyes and told her that everything will be fine, he will help support the family by working at the library and will be the man she always needed in her life .

the highlighted portions can be removed

Now that I reread it, redundant was the wrong word. It isnt redundant. There are, however, a few parts that can be trimmed down, and I tried to pinpoint them. This essay is long, but not unnecessarily long. I feel as though cutting out too much will hurt the vioce that you have created. How many words is your essay?
mela3   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Christmas Eve dinner; UChicago - Invent A Past For Present Supplement [23]

If its optional, then you aren't expected to write it. It should not hurt your chances if you don't write it. In my opinion, I would just in case. You never know, that essay just might be the one that, after reading, they'll say "we should really admit this person."
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳