LiangWu
Dec 18, 2013
Undergraduate / Why Penn? I can pursue my dream of integrating science and international relations! [3]
Hello!
I think your essay coherently answers the prompt with your dream about Global Health, and you've done much research.
But Penn is in west Philadelphia, besides, the first paragraph should be more attractive, IMO, because now it's like describing a normal day, and you should tell them how you feel, like referring to the smell of pasta, the beautiful library(how beautiful), ect. just don't tell what you do, but how you really enjoy the time there, to impress AO.
for the rest of the essay, i think you should tell your story before you relate yourself to UPenn, because it's the thing you've done that trigger your dream and luckily UPenn has all you need. that makes you the perfect fit.
still i think too many capital-letter-words really distract AO from who you are, they only know that you want to do many things. why not decrease some"i can" sentences, and focus on how their multiple programs "pave" the way you become your ideal person? i mean, programs are important, but talk about sth else?
they're only my opinions
Hello!
I think your essay coherently answers the prompt with your dream about Global Health, and you've done much research.
But Penn is in west Philadelphia, besides, the first paragraph should be more attractive, IMO, because now it's like describing a normal day, and you should tell them how you feel, like referring to the smell of pasta, the beautiful library(how beautiful), ect. just don't tell what you do, but how you really enjoy the time there, to impress AO.
for the rest of the essay, i think you should tell your story before you relate yourself to UPenn, because it's the thing you've done that trigger your dream and luckily UPenn has all you need. that makes you the perfect fit.
still i think too many capital-letter-words really distract AO from who you are, they only know that you want to do many things. why not decrease some"i can" sentences, and focus on how their multiple programs "pave" the way you become your ideal person? i mean, programs are important, but talk about sth else?
they're only my opinions