Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by adventoor
Name: Amir Adem
Joined: Dec 27, 2014
Last Post: Dec 30, 2014
Threads: 3
Posts: 19  
From: United States of America
School: Meadowcreek High School

Displayed posts: 22
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adventoor   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / "Have fun", "Relax a bit" - Why NYU? It is because diversity has always been important to me. [12]

NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)

When approached with diverse ideas and beliefs, two options are present: one can either reject and condemn or listen and learn. And for as long as I can remember, I have consistently chosen the latter. Had I chosen to proceed with the former, I know that I would have been a victim of the complacent mindset so prevalent in the South and within my own family. I am now a student who has had the opportunity to travel to ten countries throughout high school, accept diverse ideas and beliefs, and form my heterogenous identity. And my diverse identity is something I truly believe will enhance the NYU community as well as learn from it.

I went abroad for the first time my freshman year of high school. My parents sent me off to Ethiopia to visit family. They kept saying the same expectations prior to my departure: "Have fun", "Relax a bit", "Take pictures with all of your family". I couldn't help but have these words reverberate in my mind, reminding myself of what I am supposed to do. However, as a result of having the tendency to go beyond the expectations of others, I did more than just relax, have fun, and take pictures. I explored Ethiopia. I learned new stories from each person I met. I learned how to appropriately dress and act in different areas. I essentially became cultured, which is probably the inadvertent goal of traveling abroad. And this tendency to go beyond and learn about contrasting beliefs has repeated itself. It has repeated itself in Australia, India, Canada, Italy, and virtually everywhere I have gone thus far and will continue to venture.

After numerous discussions with NYU alumni, plenty of research, and a lot of personal introspection, I finally found the reason I am so drawn to NYU. And the reason is this: NYU has and will continue to be the epitome of diversity on the collegial level. Being a black, gay, Muslim from the contradictory South and having traveled to various countries, I genuinely believe that I will add a fresh perspective to NYU. Furthermore, what better place to study religion than the institution that embodies religious, cultural, and artistic freedom. NYU has developed its illustrious reputation as a haven to foster the critical mind from years of excellence. And this is the haven I know I will learn and achieve the most from.
adventoor   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / "oh crap I messed up" - I felt as if a huge stone crushed me on my back, and guilt engulfed me [2]

Good essay, Krcheng!

The following is just my advice, you could take it with a grain of salt haha.

The president saw the hesitant in my eyes and comforted me

Change hesitant to hesitation

I was shocked to see 10 missed call from my other board members

Change call to calls

Responsibility, and consequence

Remove the comma

Okay, so after all of the small stuff, I have just some general advice.
1) The essay shifts between present and past a couple of times, which makes it a bit convoluted.
2) You use a lot of passive voice rather than active voice. Meaning, many things are happening to you rather than you do many of the things. Here's an example:

Harry ate six shrimp at dinner. (active)
At dinner, six shrimp were eaten by Harry. (passive)
3) The story is very long. I think you should spend more time talking about the impact to the experience rather than going on and on about the experience itself.

Overall, I love the topic and ideas; they just need some fine tuning. Good luck on applying!
adventoor   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / I hope to utilize what NYU's schools have to offer to find a future in advertising [4]

Okay, here are just some aspects I would fix to keep it more clear.

Is it the reenactment of the action scenes from the movie using mini-figures
these products or services
I would change 'or' to 'and'
I have been active in promoting school events by:
Colons have to follow independent clauses prior to beginning a list.

I like the essay overall. However, the spewing of facts just seems a bit researched right then and there. Good luck!
adventoor   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / Hi Vanderbilt, accept me! An inequality occurred to me when I transferred schools, in my junior year [3]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (150-400 words)
I am at the 400 word limit

The institutionalization of education within impoverished communities in the last 60 years had positive intentions but unfortunately has fallen short. Sadly, it took me 15 years to realize this inequality, which occurred to me when I transferred schools, affluent to impoverished, my junior year. This disparity is by no means hidden, it's witnessed in the halls, the classrooms, and the eyes of the 3,600 students who attend my school. Thus inundated with the constant reminder of the disadvantages of others, I created the Minority Association Promoting Progress in Education and Development (MAPPED).

Many debate that shear will, determination, and work ethic should override the disadvantages underprivileged students face. However, the rarity of success stories have left me baffled for as long as I've been at Meadowcreek High School. I've heard students mumble things like "I'm dropping out because I want to make money" or "College isn't for me". This mentality is not chosen but has been fostered by the proverbial great wall that keeps these students behind seemingly unattainable aspirations. In order to remove that wall, I've targeted MAPPED towards the freshmen and sophomores of Meadowcreek because the transition between those two grade levels contributes the most to our 53% dropout rate. In MAPPED, 12th grade students tutor and plan pathways the youth will follow throughout their academic career. By selecting the highest achieving upperclassmen, we are attempting to instill academic diligence and collegial promise within the underclassmen. While this all may be on as small scale, I'm confident MAPPED will have a positive and escalating impact on these students' lives. My experience in developing MAPPED truly opened my eyes to the inequalities in education, but I'm rather grateful because I can now spread this awareness.

Fortunately, I grew up with the privilege of having a family that promotes academic excellence. And I'm grateful that I've become aware of such a prevalent issue in such a short period of time. However, I refuse to allow this inequity to remain dormant while many remain ignorant. The innovative thinking and open-mindedness that is exemplified at Vanderbilt is the perfect haven to foster eager minds that help advance myself and others around me. I truly believe that Vanderbilt's forward thinking student body, brilliant professors, and plethora of resources in conjunction with my fervent desire to implement change is the perfect combination to combat these injustices and work towards changing this distorted structure.
adventoor   
Dec 28, 2014
Undergraduate / NYU is college with an ambition, teeming with people willing to make a difference to the world [6]

Very good essay. However, like the people before stated, many unnecessary portions. In particular, the "NYU isn't my first choice" paragraph doesn't add much to the essay. I would advise taking that part out. After you remove those unnecessary details, I think you will have more room for information about what you can bring to NYU and how YOU will improve student life. Also, you repeat the prompt. Like asking yourself the questions "What can NYU get from me?" Im not saying be more subtle, just do not repeat the prompt. Other than that, you have a great essay!

Good luck!
adventoor   
Dec 28, 2014
Undergraduate / I cringe when I hear others proudly declare that they "aren't like the others" [4]

You have an awesome essay going. Just a few tweaks, however.
You use many negative sentences that downplay the institution and yourself
NYU doesn't just offer me my dream major and minor
a girl who has only become more dedicated to my studies each year of high school
It wasn't really until my final year of high school that I became involved with my school.
These sentences should be turned around and made positive or taken out.

I love the idea of the entire essay, but you also need to add more of whatyou can offer NYU and what NYU can offer you. I think it is a bad idea to go research and just incorporate some facts for the sake of incorporating facts. Instead, watch some videos of NYU alumni describing their experience, read throughout the website, and get a great feel of what NYU really is, beside the fact page. And genuinely describe why NYU.

Other than that, you got this!
adventoor   
Dec 28, 2014
Undergraduate / "Have fun", "Relax a bit" - Why NYU? It is because diversity has always been important to me. [12]

Conclusion update : After numerous discussions with NYU alumni, plenty of research, and a lot of personal introspection, I finally found the reason I am so drawn to NYU. And the reason is this: NYU has and will continue to be the epitome of diversity on the collegial level. NYU is the only institution where I know I can add a fresh perspective as well as learn a new one every day. Furthermore, what better place to study religion than the institution that embodies religious, cultural, and artistic freedom. NYU has developed its illustrious reputation as a haven to foster the critical mind from years of excellence. And this is the haven I know I will learn and achieve the most from.
adventoor   
Dec 28, 2014
Letters / I tweet, a lot, and I am very proud - A letter to isolationists, differentials, and non-tweeters. [6]

UVA PROMPT: Tweet or Not to Tweet

Dear isolationists, differentials, and non-tweeters,

I tweet. And frankly, I am an avid tweeter. I am not ashamed. I am not regretful. I constantly hear boasting from those who refuse to make a twitter - why? We are the millennials. We are the most connected generation that has come upon this earth thus far.

after review:

Dear Non-Tweeter,

I tweet. And frankly, I am an avid tweeter. I am not ashamed. I am not regretful. I am however confused as to why you refuse to make an account. As millennials, we have a duty to live a more informed life than our predecessors. And twitter is a clear tool for fast, unfiltered news and information. When Michael Brown was unfortunately killed six months ago, I vividly remember Twitter bringing the news to the forefront and major news stations following after. When sexual assault cases were coming to light at major universities, Twitter allowed me access to first hand statements from the victims, whereas news networks simply did not have the air time for it. Of course there are websites, newspapers, and so forth, but the high concentration of current events in conjunction with rapid pictures, videos, and anecdotes from witnesses transforms Twitter into a major hub for information. But there are some worries. We constantly hear about the possibility of addiction and squandering of time, but can addiction ever occur when in moderation? Can squandering ever occur with a little discipline? Therefore, before you opt out in making a twitter, please hypothetically reflect on how joyous your life will become if you join Twitter. Think about how you will have more opportunities to add substance to discussions. Think about how you will win more arguments with raw information. Essentially, think about how much more of a well-informed citizen you will become.

Sincerely,

The Tweeter
adventoor   
Dec 28, 2014
Undergraduate / Keeping my soul - a surfbort original for Rice [3]

Pretty good essay. Rice is a highly academic research institution, so definitely talk about the academics. The transitions needs to be smoother so you can avoid convolution. And by far my favorite part was which is fitting given the school's scrumptious name. The admissions officers should admit you based solely off of that line hahaha. I literally laughed out loud.

Good luck!
adventoor   
Dec 28, 2014
Undergraduate / "Have fun", "Relax a bit" - Why NYU? It is because diversity has always been important to me. [12]

NYU would allow me to be my true, independent, and free self -- by South!

NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)

When approached with diverse ideas and beliefs, two options are present: one can either reject and condemn or listen and learn. And for as long as I can remember, I've consistently chosen the latter. Had I chosen to proceed with the former, I know that I would've been a victim of the static mindset so prevalent in the South and within my own family.

I'm now a student who's had the opportunity to travel to ten countries throughout high school, learn about a wide array of communities, and form my heterogenous identity. And my heterogenous identity is something I truly believe will enhance the NYU community as well as learn from it.

My diverse identity often leaves others calling me unconventional. However, from this unconventionality, I know I can add invigoration to the NYU discussions. I will entice that student in the back to speak up and add to the discussion, because of my ability to resonate with those seemingly different from myself. Furthermore, I know I'll leave an indelible mark on NYU in its entirety. Having experiences with multiple leadership positions has aided my identity in regard to guidance, and there will be positive, efficient change in the structure of NYU. And establishing my own nonprofit is a testament to that. While these aspects of my identity where never intentionally sought for, they seem to the be inadvertent qualities accumulated through years of experience. And I cannot emphasize enough how much I'd love to add these qualities to NYU.

Fortunately, I still have so much to learn from NYU. The fact that NYU is the epitome of diversity on the collegial level draws me to it so much more. And this diversity transforms NYU's Religious Studies program into the most comprehensive program offered, anywhere. Only at NYU will I be inundated with multiple religions inside as well as outside of the classroom. Outside the classroom, in New York City, is also another fundamental quality that only NYU can offer. I can't think of any other university in which I can study my major one hour and attend my internship at Huffington Post or Goldman Sachs the next. Thus, these resources offered by NYU bring it to an unparalleled level of excellence that many universities strive for. It would not only be an honor to call myself a student but also a possibility to fully utilize my potential.
adventoor   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / New York University is a mural painted by generations of students [5]

Also agree. However, you do discuss what you can offer NYU, so you're good on that part. I think you should take out paragraph 3 and replace it with that what can NYU offer you portion of the question. Past that, you are good to go!
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