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Posts by thphuong1911 [Suspended]
Name: Ho Thanh Phuong
Joined: Jul 24, 2016
Last Post: Oct 11, 2020
Threads: 4
Posts: 10  
From: Viet Nam
School: Le Quy Don

Displayed posts: 14
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thphuong1911   
Jul 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Do you agree with the saying: "Traveling broadens your minds" ? [4]

Hi everyone. I am a newcomer on EssayForum. I am intend to take IELT exam in the next year. Thus, I want to improve my writing skill. I hope to receive some feedback from all of you here.

Thank you very much in advance.

Do you agree with the saying: "Traveling broadens your minds"?

In the past, I thought that travel wasted a lot of money and it was not worth to spend my time. However, I had to change my perspective after my trip on Brazil for 5 years. I realize that travel give me many benefits. And the most valuable thing I think travel bring to me is that "Travel broadens your minds".

Curiosity is a nature of human. It spurs people to discover things surrounding us and travel helps us be content with curiosity of culture. With travel, we can see by our eyes, experience by ourself others traditions, customs around the world. Moreover, it enriches our real-life experience. In the globalization world, we communicate with a lot of people from different countries who have different beliefs. Travel helps us understand deeply belief of each country we went and hence, we are easier to integrate into the international environment.

Besides, travel improves our language skill. The scientists prove that learning new language strengthens our intelligence. From that, our competences are enhanced.
With all above points, the benefits of travel are very clearly. Hence, let take your backpack, travel and broaden your mind.
thphuong1911   
Sep 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS academic task 1 - Energy consumption & greenhouse gas emission. [4]

Hello,
I have some remarks for you.
1. the greenhouse gases are emitted by those ...
2. Greenhouse gases are emitted by water heater ... It alsotogether accounted for more than ...
3. Greenhouse gases are emitted by water heaters...
thphuong1911   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / Deforestation is a synonym of extinction. IELTS academic task 2: solution for deforestation [3]

Hello everyone,
Below is my essay for Ielts academic task 2. If it is possible, please give me a score
Task 2:

Deforestation caused by human activity is happening in many parts of the world, with serious results for the environment. What do you think can be done to solve this problem?

Support your opinion with reasons and examples from your own knowledge and experience.


Forest seems to be a lung of the earth. It helps absorb carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and emits oxygen which is an essential substance for human being. Besides, forest also takes the role as a filter which purifies our atmosphere. However, it is a very pity that forest is being destroyed seriously by human activities.

In the world, many nations enacts many laws to inhibit the deforestation issue. Even, in some nations, deforestation is equivalent to the death penalty. Why is the guilty deforestation so serious like that? Let look closer to understand the extent of danger of deforestation.

The more deforestation, the more polluted environment. Loss of forest leads to an increase of carbon dioxide and a decrease of oxygen in the atmosphere. It causes the global warning.. This phenomenon has a series of impact to our habitat such as flood, melted-ice, drought. Then the environment becomes more severe. The creatures in the earth can not adapt to these changes and they die. Besides, deforestation means that the creatures lose their habitat. Finally, it leads to the death. In conclusion, deforestation synonyms to the extinction.

With the negative impact of deforestation on our life, we need to act to intercept this issue. First, we need to enhance each people awareness, help them understand how important forest is. Besides, the government gives the forest protector the best conditions to protect forest and plant the forest. Secondly, we can reuse the products made from wood such as: writing paper, paper bags and paper products.

As you can see, to decrease deforestation is very easy, just by some simple way as aforementioned. Let make the world better together.
thphuong1911   
Nov 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / In the winter of Woodchuck, birds move to the warmer region [2]

Hello everyone, I appreciate any comments of you to improve my writing skill. Thank you in advance.
Here is my writing:

This chart shows a partial list of some of the species of birds can be seen in Woodchuck County during two different seasons: summer and winter.

In this list, there are eight kinds of birds reported. Three of the species listed-cardinals, crows and woodpeckers are observed in both winter and summer. It can be explained that they are the original birds in Woodchuck County, not be the migratory birds. Four of the species listed-blue birds, mockingbirds, orioles and vireos are discovered in only summer. This means that they are the migratory birds. In the summer, they migrate to Woodchuck for breeding seasons or avoiding the cold of winter. In the winter of Woodchuck, they move to the warmer region. That may be the reason why they can not be observed here in the winter. There is only juncos living here in the winter. Perhaps they adapted with the cold conditions during their evolution and the winter is the best season for them to inhabit.




  • task.jpg
thphuong1911   
Nov 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Antony Goldbloom, A machine can work like human, and substitute his work [5]

hello, some my remarks:
1. He rely to ... -> relies
2. .....fully fulfill .... -> fully fulfilled ....
3..... machine will be changing ..... -> will change
4. .........machine be able to solve ...........-> is
5. ..........however human must more smart than machine......... -> must be smart
6. .....human need .....-> needs
Have a nice day.
thphuong1911   
Nov 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing: Influence of professional athletes on young people - they learn a lot from their own idol. [3]

Hello everyone,
Please help me improve my writing skill. I appreciate every your valuable comment.

Topic:Do you believe that professional athletes make good role models for young people? Support your opinion with reasons and examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Sport is an indiscernible part of the life. It helps people improve their health and it is an useful tool for people to relax. Everyone loves sports. The top professional athletes of each sport are admired throughout their country even around the world. These athletes are a good role model for young people.

Actually, the top professional athletes get a lot of attention, especially from young people. They become an idol and have a huge influences on development as well as behavior of young people. Young people learn a lot from their own idol.

The first benefit which can be seen clearly is that they encourage young people to play sports. That would help young people enhance their health. The second one is to set of the important of passion. The lesson learnt here is that if you desire to be successful, you have to find your own passion. After that, all that you need is to work really hard, sacrifice anything that disrupt you from your goal, just pay attention. Finally, the best lesson learnt from top professional athletes is that "Don't stop after achieving the feat, keep going". They always keep toward even when they are at the top. They continuously pursuit the perfect.

One of the interesting example for this perspective is Cristiano Ronaldo. He is a football player. He is also an idol for all young people to follow. Even though, currently, he is one of the best football player, he usually works very hard. He always starts his training two hours earlier than his other teammate and finish later. He keeps toward and break all record.

With all the reasons above, again, I would like to emphasize that "Top professional athletes make good role models for young people".
thphuong1911   
Oct 10, 2020
Writing Feedback / Job Satisfaction or Salary - IELTS Task 2 [4]

Hi,
Your writing's very good. I just have some minors feedback.
First of all, I would expect you give your point of view in the introductio part. It wiuld impress reader and make them easy to follow essay. Secondly, in your second paragrah, you repeated "they" quite alot. I suggest that you use some words like people, workers, employer... instead
thphuong1911   
Oct 10, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF INCREASES IN LIFE EXPECTANCY [3]

Hi
1st paragraph, you mentioned "this trend". I suggest you should have short description of what this trend is
2nd paragraph, add your topic sentence is the beginning of paragraph
The reason postive of long life outweighing negative is to proof well health care system is not persuade me. My suggesion: some reasons such as people can work longer -> benefit to society ...
thphuong1911   
Oct 11, 2020
Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: Release auto-driving vehicles. Advantage or Disavantage? [7]

Following are my feedbacks:
- 2nd paragraph, you should add the topic sentence such as there are a variety of disadvantages discouraging people to use automatic car. This topic sentence help reader easier following your expression. Example is expected to add in this paragraph
thphuong1911   
Oct 11, 2020
Writing Feedback / The Dangers of Putting Too Much Pressure on Kids [5]

Firstly, you should divide your essay into separated paragraph to make it more clear
Secondly, you should try to express your idea by longer sentence.
E.g:
- Nowadays parents put ... There are several reasons ... --> it can be written such as: There are a variety of reasons explained why parents parents put too much pressure on their children to succeed.

- ... a better life, and they think that ...
thphuong1911   
Oct 11, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS PART 2- Being a well-known personality - benefits or disadvantages? [3]

because your 2nd paragraph only has 2 reasons, instead of using firstly, secondly, I suggest using For example, Furthermore.
In 3rd paragraph, as I understood, you indicated that fame gives people money. You should include one sentence to show this idea as topic sentence
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