Undergraduate / SOCCER PLAYER; U Connecticut - Person (profound effect) [5]

I would very much appreciate any editing/feedback on this essay.
It's just a rough draft obviously, so offer as much [constructive] criticism as you can.
Thanks!

Essay Prompt:
Describe a person or an event that has had a profound effect upon your life.
Essay should be at least one full page in length.

As the sun gleamed across the light blue sky, it occurred to me that this day would remain in my memory forever. Birds chirped relentlessly in their nests, and squirrels scampered across the yard eager to get back to their homes. Mother Nature's gift had no effect on my mood, however. Jealousy boiled in the pit of my stomach, mere animals retained a home to live in endlessly, but not me. When my parents dropped that bomb that we were going to be moving to another town, I felt utterly devastated. I had grown up in Plainville all my life, only to have everything I worked for left behind. No more exhilarating soccer games at Norton Park. No more late night Diary Queen runs with my neighbors. No more bike rides with my family around the school parking lot. I felt like my life expeditiously crumbled to the ground, how could I survive?

Change. It's a common occurrence that can either make or break a person and their achievements in the blink of an eye. In order to overcome a change one must be strong willed and have determination to take a bad situation and make it better. For the past 5 years of my life I have been fighting against an unprecedented change, turning all of the obstacles that came with it into achievements. What had once seemed like a nightmare to me was actually a dream maker, and looking back at the past, I'm glad such an event happened to me.

At first, the thought of moving to a new town at the ripe age of 12 horrified me. I was going to be in a new school with twice as many kids as my old one, but with absolutely no friends. Upon taking tests during the summer that reported whether or not I'd be academically acceptable to go to my new school, I realized that the school system itself also required adjustments. The work load was heavier, and quizzes and tests harder, but I knew that I couldn't let it ruin my life. So, upon entering into 7th grade, I knew it was time to amp up my motivation and become the good student I always was. I spent a lot of my free time catching up on information I hadn't learned in my old town; as it turned out, Simsbury was much more focused on academics than Plainville, so technically I was behind in my studies. I sacrificed a lot in order to ensure I would get good grades, but in the end it paid off. Since my move, I have made honor roll every single year, every single semester. I pushed myself in order to have success, for I didn't want to be left in the dust from moving. Academics weren't the only thing that required sacrifice, however. Athletics in Simsbury were much more competitive too, just as the academics were.

For all of my life in Plainville, I had grown up playing soccer. I had met many of my best friends during that time through sports, and it was a tradition I had hoped to carry on in Simsbury. To my dismay, soccer in Simsbury varied greatly from soccer in Plainville. The girls were much more competitive and fixated on winning rather than having a good time. Although I continued to play soccer in Simsbury through sophomore year in high school, I realized during that summer into junior year that soccer would need to come to an end. It just wasn't the same as in my older town, it was less fun and didn't give me the excitement it used to. After becoming successful in my academics, which was a huge change, I had to confidence to become successful in a change in athletics as well. That summer, I began to learn how to play volleyball. Starting from scratch, I felt clumsy and uncoordinated. It took me days to learn the rules of the game and positions, and weeks just to figure out how to hit the ball straight. I wouldn't allow myself to give up, though. I kept practicing because a change had to happen. Once I knew what I was doing, I decided to it was time to tackle volleyball camp. I signed up for a four day training camp at Uconn, and there I realized how much I love volleyball. I practiced volleyball every single day that summer, running regularly to keep in shape, and getting advice from former players in order to improve my skills. In the end, all of that hard work had paid off. Upon trying out during the beginning of junior year, not only had I made varsity, but I landed myself a starting position as middle hitter as well. Making the volleyball not only boosted my confidence, but I made many great friends through it too. I'm proud of myself for being able to overcome such obstacles, and gaining success because of it.

Change can be one of the scariest things a person has to experience, especially a change as big as moving to another town. It had such a profound affect on my life for it but my knowledge, athletic ability, and perseverance to the test. Since I moved to Simsbury, my academic skills have become stronger, and my capacity for learning more prominent. A change in athletics boosted my confidence because of the positive results, and gave me the idea that I can do anything if I just put time and effort into it. Looking back, I feel like without moving to Simsbury I would be stuck doing the same, boring routine, blending in with my surroundings rather than sticking out in the crowd. I'd be behind on my education, and my career as a soccer player would have gone nowhere. I couldn't be happier for this change, it definitely has turned me into what I am today.

Undergraduate / Diabetes in my family - Common Application Essay [11]

Prompt: Topic of your choice.
Minimum of 250 words.

I've decided to write my Common App essay on diabetes in my family, and how it's broadened my knowledge of diseases and treatment etc...

My conclusion is a little weak...I need help with that.

All advice/criticism is welcome ;)
Thanks in advance!

As we sat in the cramped, overheated car you could tell by the look on his face that something wasn't quite right. His eyes, which were normally hazel and bright with emotion, were currently muddy brown and dull. He gazed off into the distance, staring at nothing, no one. "Hey are you all right?" I asked him. He turned to me, purple bags so deep under his eyes that they very well could have been etched in into his skin. He turned to me and scowled, facing forward a few seconds later. My stomach churned and I sat uneasily in my seat until we arrived at the restaurant. As we were making our way in he dragged his feet along the cracking pavement, beads of sweat running down his. His breath was shallow, the look on his face signifying defeat. As I made my way inside I was stopped by a gruesome sound; it was the sound of bone and skin against metal. I spun around, shocked to see my brother face first on the ground in the doorway.

I wish I could say that encounters like these don't happen very often, but that is not the case. Unfortunately, both of my younger brothers and my dad suffer from diabetes. Because of diabetes, my family members are prone to experiencing fainting spells, increased fatigue, irritability, blurry vision and unquenchable thirst. Although diabetes has set many limitations on my brothers and dad, it has supplied me with a profound knowledge of the disease, and a genuine concern for others who suffer from it as well.

Since I have to deal with a rollercoaster of emotions and aggressive actions from my brothers on a regular basis, I have become much more patient and understanding of people's feelings. Instead of being angered by a vicious comment, or annoyed by constant nagging and complaining, I learned to become more tolerant. Rather than instigating a worse situation, I follow the footsteps of The Beatles by "taking a sad song and making it better." I strive to make all people, especially my brothers, happy, because when one person is suffering, they tend to drag in everyone around them.

I'll never forget the time a few months ago when I was asked to run my neighbor's 9 year old daughter's birthday party. One of the boys there was diabetic, and was constantly being picked on by the other boys for having to take a shot every time he wanted to eat. Close to tears, he refused to eat his food around any of the other kids for he feared they would crack more jokes at him. I knew then it was my job to comfort him, not just because I was in charge of the party, but because since I had experience with kids with diabetes it was the right thing to do. I explained to him how I had two brothers in the same situation, and not to get down on himself just because a couple of boys were teasing him about it. He took my words to heart, and I could tell that in just the few moments I spent talking to him he already felt more comfortable in his own skin.

It's experiences like those that have furthered by desire to become a pediatrician. I have found I am able to connect with little kids on a personal level, due to the fact that I have younger brothers of my own. And ever since that fateful day 12 years ago when I found out my first brother Noah, was diabetic I knew I wanted to become a doctor to make him better. I always had the dream of 'finding a cure,' and after learning that my second brother Jacob was diabetic six years later intensified that dream. There's nothing worse than having to watch your little brothers constantly feeling sick, and having to give themselves a shot every time they want to eat or drink. I will do everything in my power to come up with a way to make them feel more at ease, and hopefully cured one day.

Though diabetes is a horrible disease that I would wish upon no one, I am grateful for the newfound insight it has provided my family and me with. It has taught me to remain calm in bad situations, given me the motivation to do good, and inspired me to pursue a career in pediatrics.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Mark Twain [7]

250 word minimum.

Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

My basic concerns with this essay is that the first paragraph is overly critical and contradicts my third paragraph on prejudice. But I want to get my point across that Mark Twain is unlike celebrities nowadays because he wasn't consumed by wealth and fame. I also need help with ideas for a conclusion, if you think it needs one.

Thanks!

Nowadays, if you were to ask a person who their influence is, you would be given the names of athletes, actors, or musicians. People whose lives that are built on the ground of prosperity and fenced in by the walls of wealth. Drug induced, jail ridden and attention obsessed, many of these "influences" aren't more than a pretty face and a lot of money. My influence, however, is a man characterized by his distaste for civilization and his compulsion for equality. Chastised by the wealthy, and admired by the common man, Mark Twain was truly a remarkable person, and one of my greatest influences.

I can easily compare my philosophy of life to the philosophy of Mark Twain. Twain often criticized society and the profound, unnecessary affect it had on the actions of people. Like Twain, I believe that people are putting too much effort into trying to conform to the means of society and materialism, and how by doing that people change who they 'really are.' He stated that "there is great danger that our people will lose our independence of thought and action which is the cause of much of our greatness," and often times noted that civilization itself can be seen as "the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities." I hope that as I grow older I do not find myself possessed by the shallowness of materialism and disillusionment of society

Also, like Twain, I am a strong believer in the fact that everyone should be treated equally. Though in the United States everyone has "equal rights" it is still clear that not everyone is being treated equally. Stereotypes and prejudice are still common and alter a person's opinions whether we like to admit it or not. As America becomes an increasing diverse society, it is imperative that we learn to accept and appreciate our differences. In order to overcome this obstacle we must treat everyone with respect fairness. We must have tolerance towards others, and teach our friends and family to act the same way. Our generation is the next generation in line to make a change, the way we act now will greatly affect us in the future.

Undergraduate / Penn State Personal Statement - 'activities or experience' [5]

"Please choose one of your activities or another experience you would like to share and provide a short description of its importance to you. Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student experience at Penn State."

The limit is 1200 characters including spaces, which I am at exactly.

How is this? I now have 43 available characters to use.

"Marketplace" is a Christian day camp that my church hosts every summer. Fabricated off of volunteer work and interminable effort, Marketplace serves as a sanctuary for young children during their quest to find God.

I was persuaded to give the Marketplace a try, and so I decided to take part and become one of the "leaders." Almost immediately I was seen as a role model to the younger kids. By tending to their needs, they treated me as an adult. They confided their feelings in me, telling me of their hopes, wishes, and concerns, ecstatic that I would give them the time of day.

By teaching them about religion in a fun, no-boundaries way, their attitudes had changed. They listened to their daily lessons with open ears, and open hearts. I felt enlightened. Who would have known that just a few hours of my time could have such a profound affect on people?

From that day on, my priorities were reversed. I went from fulfilling my needs to fulfilling the needs of others. My desire to be active in a community will greatly benefit my peers at Penn State. I now strive to make others happy, for seeing a smile in return is the best reward I can ask for.

Undergraduate / 'a study abroad trip to Italy' - Bowdoin Supplement [10]

Bowdoin is a liberal arts college that thrives on intellectual discourse in and out of the classroom. Students, faculty, and staff all participate in the exchange of ideas in an atmosphere characterized by high achievement and a sense of balance. The Admissions Committee is eager to learn more about you and your school community. Reflecting on your own educational experiences, how have you prepared yourself to enter an academic environment like Bowdoin's? (Suggested length: 250-500 words.)

------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------
As my teachers, fellow classmates, and I stepped out of the airplane after a 9 hour flight, we all sighed with contentment. I couldn't help but grin as I took in a deep breath of the cool, Italian air. It was fresh, clean, and free of pollution unlike the air in busy US cities. The landscape was remarkable; rolling hills of green, accented with colorful vineyards and seas of luminous daffodils. The only thing more astonishing than the Tuscany countryside was the magnificent works of art. From the prodigious size of the Pieta, to the minuscule, intricate detail inside the Sistine Chapel, Italy was simply illustrious.

Going on a study abroad trip to Italy was a dream come true for me. Art had always been an interest of mine; I took classes all throughout high school, eager to put my creative ideas down on paper. When I saw the opportunity to further my studies in Italy, I grasped the notion with open arms. Admittedly, I was a bit apprehensive of the trip at first. I was afraid the teachers on the trip were going to be overbearing and conservative, but I was mistaken.

Throughout the time spent there, my days were filled with insightful advice, constructive criticism, discussions on art and Italian history, but most importantly, fun. A bond was built over common interests, and laughs only made each day more memorable

This trip opened the doors to much more than art discussion. A realization occurred to me; teachers weren't around to give me never-ending lectures and populous amounts of homework, they took interest in me as an individual, and cared for me. . It was truly an educational experience that will remain in my mind, and my heart, forever.

By attending Bowdoin, I will be dedicated to participate in academic conversation inside and outside of the classroom, and get to know my fellow students and teachers on a more personal basis. I offer Bowdoin not only insight on world culture, but an understanding of how art in the early 15th century still strongly connects to themes in modern day. Studying abroad in Italy with other art students and teachers has allowed me the opportunity to get to know my teachers on a more personal level, and build a friendship that will last a lifetime.

Undergraduate / "chances of me getting into Yale are slim" - Yale Supplemental Essay - Unique [6]

I feel the need to write a disclaimer on this essay before you read it.
Basically, in my eyes, the chances of me getting into Yale are slim to none. Though I have solid grades and SAT scores and whatnot, it's just so competetive that I doubt I really have a chance.

So, when I wrote this essay I was thinking to myself "If I'm not going to get into Yale, I want to at least leave Admissions with an essay they'll remember."

It's goofy, quirky, but I'm trying to prove at point on how I'm 'different' than other applicants.
I guess I'm expecting harsh criticism due to the fact that it's not a 'serious' essay (though I do plan on submitting it), but just understand that I didn't want to send them an essay they are used to getting.Yale asked to know things about me that they haven't already learned about me in my application, so here it is.

------------------------------------------------------------ -----------------

editing in progress.
will post back up in a bit.