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Posts by flykitten
Name: Putri Permata Sari
Joined: Apr 22, 2017
Last Post: Mar 17, 2018
Threads: 5
Posts: 9  
Likes: 4
From: Indonesia
School: University of Arkansas

Displayed posts: 14
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Mar 17, 2018
Writing Feedback / DREAM BIG FUND essay competition [3]

Hello Essay Forum,
I am applying a fund that is going to give to students with special needs that will continue their study overseas.

The essay must answer these questions:
1. Why do you choose the course?
2. How will your chosen course change your life and those around you?
3. How will you spend the money from Dream Big Fund?

Please give me your honest comments and advice, looking forward to it!
Thank you in advance


being a Geotechnical Engineer in South Sumatera

In 2010, I have to see myself as a person with special needs as I need to think twice to go up the stairs and ask someone to help me to walk bumpy roads. However, my reality seems to contrast with the city I live in, Palembang. This capital city of South Sumatera is a city that keeps growing its infrastructure but still lack of facilities to accommodate people with a disability such as a bus stop that is too high, the absence of toilet for wheelchair users and the very few guiding blocks at the city streets. Secondly, more than 70% of South Sumatera land consists of wet soils that make building infrastructure here is twice challenging. In 2017, there was a road failure at the new highway built from Palembang to Indralaya. All the facts above drive me to contribute to South Sumatera infrastructural development by being a Geotechnical Engineer.

Being a geotechnical expert upon my master completion at the University of New South Wales Australia will allow me to make stronger recommendations for road and bridge constructions starting from the projects handled by my current workplace. In education, I am going to contribute as a lecturer to enhance the curriculum of geotechnical engineering at the local university by applying innovative teaching methods that I would earn from the studying abroad experiences.

Moreover, as a lecturer, I am going to suggest the establishment of Special Learning Center to the university. The learning center will arrange services for students with special needs such as the extra time for exams, note takers, and built proper roads to the university buildings. I strongly believe the existence of the learning center is going to encourage students with disabilities to go to public schools. The initiative came from my own experience. Although I always went to the best school in Palembang, none have the facilities for students with special needs.

All the visions above has greater chance to realize as I get the master scholarship from the Indonesian government. However, there are some parts of the scholarship that are using the reimbursement system such as flight ticket and health insurance. Additionally, the living allowance is sometimes postponed for months when there is a change in the system in the scholarship institution. This reimbursement system is a formidable challenge for me as a new private worker with one year of experience.

Being one of the Dream Big Fund recipients are going to be my foundation to stand in the reimbursement system and emergency conditions that might happen such as urgent physical health therapies. Besides, the fund will be used for the travel cost in doing my future thesis about wet soil reinforcement and to start the promotion of special learning center establishment. In closing, I am convinced by undergoing my postgraduate journey with Dream Big Fund will pave the clearer way for me to be more successful as an international student and a contributor to my home country.

#492 of 500 words#
Mar 17, 2018
Undergraduate / I hope to work as a accountant or as an IT security consultant - My Personal Statement [3]

Hi heylaa,

I think the first paragraph will be better if you tell about the outcome of the mobile app and how you finally work with your teammates.

This example will show a specific strength of yourself in working in a team and overcome challenges.

For the second paragraph, try to use the stronger words. For instance:
Hope = is going to...
I earnestly hope = I am convinced, I strongly believe, etc
Sep 7, 2017
Scholarship / Answers Draft for Scholarship Interview [3]

scholarship interview questions

Hello, I will be having a scholarship interview and right now preparing the draft for it. Please tell me your honest opinion because it will help me in a lot of ways.The goal of the scholarship is to improve human resources that could accelerate the nation development after they finish their studies.

If you were the sponsor, would you give me the scholarship after reading my answers?
(I'm sorry if the answer is too personal or make you uncomfortable) Thank you in advance!

"What makes you special to receive this scholarship? / What differs you from other applicants?"
There are thousands of applicants and I know they are high-qualified and outstanding in their own field. However, I can assure you that I am unique. As a person with a disability, I can overcome obstacles which are a proof that I can change inability into extra ability, creating meaningful achievements until this time.

Secondly, I am persistent for what I am doing and have a detailed plan for it. Therefore, I have a positive mind that after completing higher education, I could work more effectively with everyone in solving the country challenge with more structured and creative solutions.

Finally, because XXX scholarship is a huge investment from the country, it would be a life time reminder for me to fully contribute in improving my environment as long as I live.

"What would be your future innovation as a lecturer? / What would be your way to implement your higher education knowledge?"
My contribution would be focused on two aspects which are education and society.

In education, the first thing is to make the academic recommendation about soft soil reinforcement method for local engineers and contractors including my future students. In addition, as a lecturer, I am planning to actively contribute in improving pedagogy competency for lecturers in the university. Whereas off campus, I am willing to start a platform named "City Creative Forum". This forum will gather local engineers, architects, artist, and local art communities which the goal is to build something creative and sustainable for the city development.

Next, my social initiative is still related to education. My friends and I have already started an NGO called "Untuk Cita-Cita". Through this NGO, we want to give 1 semester until 1-year scholarship for the chosen freshman students that cannot afford the college tuition. In addition, this NGO will be my medium to advocate the right of people with disability to get the equal education. In conclusion, I strongly believe XXX scholarship would bring me closer to realize those contribution plans.
May 22, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 : The three companies' waste [9]

@Red Moon
your writing has explained the graph in a good way. My advice is you could add more information in the last paragraph about the average waste each company produced in 15 years. Since it would show the real difference
May 22, 2017
Writing Feedback / Share information in scientific research, business and the academic world. Good or bad [2]

Dear @kevin1983

You can rearrange this sentence to be more concise and simple:
"All of the giant company with (a) high reputation ..."

there is a twist in this paragraph. You talk about companies but suddenly you change the topic to 'every individual'. Therefore, i recommend to be focused on one topic where you can give a real example related to it.

In addition, I don't clearly see your opinion on the writing
May 22, 2017
Scholarship / Learning nationalism through activities in education, youth, and Indonesian culture [5]

Essay for a government scholarship

I am applying for a master degree scholarship sponsored by Indonesian government named LPDP.
There are three required essays that I must submit in the application, and here is the first essay:

My Contributions for Indonesia

Learning nationalism through activities in education, youth, and Indonesian culture is the form of my contribution for Indonesia. Since I believe that every Indonesian put a large amount of effort for the country development with their own ways. For instance, in Jakarta, there is a president who contributes with his leadership. Then move hundreds kilometers to Kertapati, South Sumatera, where there will be a farmer who tries to fulfill the rice stock for his village.

As a student, I was not only learning, but also teaching. Started from my freshman year, I shared my knowledge by being a tutor of Mathematics and Science subjects for the teenagers in my neighborhood. I also worked as an English teacher at one of the biggest English course in South Sumatera in the middle of 2016. Every end of the semester, my students showed me their report books. Moreover, their parents also told me about their children improvement in studying.

Besides education, I contribute to the community by actively involved in youth activities and organization. "Volunteerism is the best way to pay back the community" is the principal that drives me to participate in volunteering projects. It was started from being a volunteer at the local community named Ruang Bebas Baca, I then joined many other activities arranged by local organizations in Palembang. Hence, in August 2015, I and my other two friends became the initiators for the establishment of World Merit Indonesia chapter Palembang (WMIP).

Today, WMIP has succeeded executing projects in realizing the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs). Some of the projects are free mask sharing, environmental workshop, teaching children in the dump area (TPU Sukawinatan), Global Bake Sale for charity, scholarships seminar, including free blood donation and dental check up. I learned a lot about the current issue in the society in every project. Furthermore, I also realized that there are still many people who care and eager to work together in improving the life quality in Indonesia. Since there are numerous WMIP's projects which are the result of the partnership with other organizations and related parties. Surely, WMIP is encouraging youth to pay back the community they live in.

Unexpetedly, I gained a deep understanding about nationalism when I became Indonesia representative in the United States as an exchange student. I promoted Indonesian culture by doing presentation and joined the Angklung team at many events on and off campus through an organization called International Culture Team. My active participation is my way to promote Indonesian culture to the people in Fayetteville. They are more interested in our culture now. Furthermore, upon my return, the Angklung team is not only consisted of Indonesian players but also international students.

All my dedication in education, youth movement, and cultures are linked one another preparing me to do more impactable contributions for Indonesia soon. Including to fulfill my responsibility as LPDP scholarship grantee. After the study completion, I would be a geotechnical lecturer who would improve the education quality in my region. As South Sumatera is lacking geotechnical experts. I would also make scientific recommendation for infrastructure projects, particularly for the soil investigation works.

Besides the university, I would participate improving the life quality of the society through my involvement in social projects. Together with local community and organizations, I would make volunteering projects focused on education such as scholarship assistance, youth educational forum, discussion, and local exchange. All the projects would be possible to realize through the completion of LPDP scholarship.

(586 of 700 words)

any inputs are welcome. Thank you!
May 22, 2017
Writing Feedback / Past or Future. Why not to move just forward? [2]

Hello @ngannkh

I will just correct some grammar mistakes,
has value... = has a value / has values
your living in... = your life

My suggestion is to avoid using words like "As you know.."
since not everyone knows about your opinion
May 20, 2017
Writing Feedback / It is high time to encourage different sources of energy all over the world [3]

Hi sfiza

You have answered the question in your writing.
And it could have been better if you do not repeat the same topic sentence for each paragraph.

My suggestion, you can state your side in the first sentence and explain the reason by describing the facts that you have found.
After that, you can restate your opinion in the last paragraph as the closing of your writing
Apr 24, 2017
Scholarship / Becoming a geotechnical lecturer in civil engineering major is the career that I want to pursue [2]

How will the proposed study contribute to your career

Any advice is welcome. Thank you in advance for your comment

network between Australia and Indonesia

Becoming a geotechnical lecturer in civil engineering major is the career that I want to pursue. The number of professional lecturers is still a few in Indonesia, hence, the country foster its academician to have a higher education and become lecturers in universities. One absolute requirement to be a lecturer in Indonesia is having minimum a master degree. Particularly, at Sriwijaya University, the future lecturers must have a master or doctoral degree obtained from universities overseas. Therefore, studying Master in Civil Engineering in Australia will be the right track for me in achieving a career as a professional lecturer.

As a lecturer in Indonesia, the number of scientific publication in national and international scale determine the additional allowance of the lecturer, even as the condition to get promoted into a higher position in universities. By having a master in Civil Engineering in Australia, I would have bigger opportunity to publish my research in the international scale which starts from the university where I study my master degree. In addition, I would also have greater chance to pass the selection process of journal publication in national level. Conclusively, completing a degree in Australia would give a huge benefit in my research publication.

This master degree would also provide me with theoretical and practical experiences to improve my pedagogy competency. Pedagogy competency is one indicator that will be evaluated to be a lecturer. It is the ability to give the material in the class, including compose the curriculum and evaluate the students' learning. Hence, as a postgraduate student in Australia, I could experience the pedagogy competency of the professors, the education system, as well as the scoring system. I would take the best principal from those experiences and the unique values to my pedagogy competency. In the future, I would use the knowledge to improve the teaching process when I work as a lecturer.

Not less important, the network that I would build during my postgraduate study in Australia would generate partnership among researchers in Australia and Indonesia. For instance, an academic visit to Indonesian university and vice versa. As the conclusion, master in civil engineering in Australia would utilize me as an individual, professional, and a part of a society who will contribute for a sustainability environment.
Apr 22, 2017
Scholarship / JAMES COOK UNIVERSITY. Proposed course and institution. AAS supporting statement. [3]

Dear fajar,
personally, I think your essay is great. You explain the reason very specific and connect the future study with your background.
my only advice is, don't use abbreviation without explaining the full name first. For instance, what is NTB stands for?

have a look on my essay too!
Apr 22, 2017
Scholarship / My research about about Australia Awards Scholarship, what led me to this institution [2]

Dear folks, I am applying for Australian Awards Scholarship. There are 4 essay questions to complete the application and every essay limited to 400 words.
This is the first essay. Please kindly give your suggestions for grammar, content, word choice, or anything that you would notice.
Your comment is worth a million! Thanks in advance.

'How did you choose your proposed course and institution?'

I am applying for Master in Civil and Environmental Engineering. Starting from my freshman year, I have the vision to be a lecturer specialized in structures or geotechnics in this major. Since I realize that geotechnical knowledge is inevitably needed for engineers who want to build constructions in various areas along with the different soil condition. Therefore, I have a great interest to gain a deep knowledge in soil investigation methods, ground improvement & monitoring techniques, and other related subjects to use the knowledge as the basis to construct a firm building on top of the soil. Hence, I believe this major would give me the profound understanding, academic and practical experiences that would prepare me to assume a specialty in the field of Civil Engineering teaching.

During my undergraduate study, I have taken courses concentrated in structures and geotechnics areas such as Numerical Analysis in Geotechnics, Soil Improvement Technics, Advance Concrete Structures, and Advance Steel Structures. I also started to develop my teaching skills by being the assistant in several courses. Moreover, after the completion of my bachelor thesis, I directly submitted my research's abstract in the international conference on construction and building and another national conference arranged by Sriwijaya University. As I fully understand that publication is immensely important for a future lecture. The committee currently has reviewed and accepted the abstract I submitted and I am in the process to submit the research journal. Besides, I have been improving my global awareness by attending conferences in different fields. I strongly believe that all these experiences are connected one another, preparing myself to fulfill the responsibilities in my future study and career.

Starting from my senior year, I diligently searching information about Australia Awards Scholarship. I am eager to apply Master of Civil Engineering in University of New South Wales. I choose UNSW after doing research on every university incorporated in the Group 8. I studied the type of postgraduate degree offered, major and its world rank, course and syllabus, including the university's excellence that I cannot find in Indonesia. I then did some discussion about my university choice to Indonesian students who is studying in Australia and my academic adviser. In conclusion, I am confident studying a master degree in Civil Engineering at UNSW is the perfect way to realizing my goal as a professional lecturer.