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Posts by LadyOfClockwork [Suspended]
Name: wang gang
Joined: Jun 26, 2017
Last Post: Apr 10, 2021
Threads: 30
Posts: 102  
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From: China

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LadyOfClockwork   
Jul 23, 2017
Writing Feedback / The usage of car - eight kinds of driving purposes. IELTS WRITING TASK 1 [4]

@YuanYuanRen
I'd like to rewrite a single sentence. Hope it to be useful for you.

There was a significant usage of car ... =>

Up to about 50% of men drove to work while the proportions for both bank and running errands were no more than 10%.
LadyOfClockwork   
Jul 22, 2017
Writing Feedback / Honey bee diagram explanation - [IELTS Writing Task 1] [4]

@hi021132
In my opinion your argument is self-contradictory in one point: how many stages does the lifecycle involve?

In your opening paragraph, the number is seven. But your third paragraph suggests you treat three molts as one stage. That means only four stages are involved.

In addition, I think this sequence is NOT repeated after it is complete. Most of grown bees are infertile, since there is only one queen bee in each bee colony. That means the majority of adult bees are unable to lay eggs.
LadyOfClockwork   
Jul 22, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Saving or spend money [5]

@nguyet_nguyen
I don't recommend putting your personal opinion into the conclusion paragraph, because it cannot be laid out in one or two sentences. It deserves a well-developed paragraph of three to five sentences. And then a conclusion is written to summarize all the information and restate your opinion.

Personally, I think "money should be spent whenever it is available" is different from the necessary spending you listed in the second paragraph. You simply cannot buy food and drinks or pay housing rents. The money cannot be saved. I think "money should be spent whenever it is available" is more about how to deal with your disposable income.
LadyOfClockwork   
Jul 21, 2017
Writing Feedback / The pie charts illustrate five sources of energy production in France. [4]

The pie charts below show the comparison of different kinds of energy production of France in two years.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.


most popular energy sources in France



The pie charts illustrate five sources of energy production in France. They are categorized as coal, gas, petrol, nuclear and other sources, with the years chosen for the comparative analysis being 1995 and 2005. The essay will summarize the change in the share of energy production from each source and make comparisons where necessary.

Overall, in both years, the primary sources in France were coal and gas, which together made up over half the production of energy, while nuclear and other sources generated the least amount of energy. In almost all types of sources, there was just minimum change over the ten year period. However, the share of petrol underwent a modest drop.

Coal provided 29.80% of energy production in the first year and the share increased to 30.93% ten years latter. Gas accounted for 29.63% and 30.31% of energy production in 1995 and 2005 respectively, placing it the second place behind coal. Petrol retained its position as the third largest source in 2005, though its share of energy production dwindled from 29.27% to 19.55%.

With regard to nuclear, there was an approximate 5% growth in energy production from nuclear. Its share rose from 6.40% to 10.10%. Other sources followed a similar pattern, their share up from 4.90% to 9.10%. Nevertheless, their contributions to energy production in France were still smallest.

I would be more appreciate it if you score my essay.




LadyOfClockwork   
Jul 20, 2017
Writing Feedback / [task 1]Surveys conducted in 1982 and 2002 show what motivate students to choose a school in the UK [4]

Surveys conducted in 1982 and 2002 show different pictures of what motivate students to choose a college or university in the U.K.
Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.


decisive factors for schools choice



The pie charts shed light on six factors that encouraged British students to choose a college or university in 1985 and 2002. Overall, in 2002, they placed a much higher premium on amenities, social activities and facilities and reputation of the institution. Costs, however, came to be of little importance. As to the rest, there was only minimal change over the 17 year period.

The share of respondents who took into account reputation of the institution was 25% in 2002, five times higher than that in 1982. The factor of amenities, social activities and facilities followed a similar pattern, with 18% of respondents valuing it in 2002, up 13% from 1982. In terms of costs, only a small fraction (5%) of respondents weighed the factor before making their choices, while the proportion was 28% in 1982.

The factor of suitable courses and degrees remained most influential in 2002, though the share of respondents took it into consideration diminished by 6% as compared with 40% in 1982. Closeness to parental home was an attractive advantage to 16% of respondents, a moderate decline of 3% from 1982. Admission criteria mattered least in both years, as the factor was considered by just 3% of respondents in 1982 and 2% in 2002.

I would be more appreciate it if you score my essay.






LadyOfClockwork   
Jun 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / Is Violence the Result of TV, computers, and video games? [7]

... a battle on games is you've learned how to use violence or murder.

Personally I don't recommend present perfect tense here. Simple present tense is better suited to "each time" or "when".
LadyOfClockwork   
Jun 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IETLS writing] In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing [4]

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing.
Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society?


More and more elderly people in today's society



Older people have made up more of the population in the west than ever and their share is relentlessly rising. Though they may make extraordinary contributions, the demographic transition has a severe impact on society.

To begin with, it's necessary to clarify what the aging trend actually means. First, it involves larger older population, who, admittedly, are special assets to society for their experience, knowledge, sophistication and growing eagerness to continue working. More Often than not they are the backbone of their fields, as proved by Nobel-winners. The leading figures in science are all at an advanced age.

However, the steady increase in senior citizens also drives up healthcare costs, since the elderly are vulnerable to disease and sometimes suffer from more than one condition at a time. According to the WHO, the over-60s already account for a quarter of the global burden of death and illness. Financial pressure is exerted on sociality. More resources have to be allocated to them and then the share of others is squeezed.

The situation is even worse, given the fact that the higher proportion of the old also involves, though not obviously, lower birth rates and the consequent smaller younger population. In this respect, social institutions for children and adolescents bear the most direct effects. In Japan, for instance, over 400 schools are forced to shut down per year from 2003 onwards.

Labor markets are not spared either, since youths are the major source of workforce. It is certain to shrink when the numbers of younger people reduce. The elderly cannot compensate for the shortage. In general, they are less energetic and ambitious and their physical conditions don't allow them to work as blue collars. Smaller labor force leads to fewer taxpayers. The financial pressure from older people becomes all the more unaffordable.

The conclusion is clear: the comparative increase in older people adds to financial burden and weakens labor force. It causes comprehensive, far-reaching, and above all, mainly negative effects on society.