Graduate / Statement of Purpose in the field of Data Science for a 13 years experience java developer [2]

@surima
Welcome! Here is my feedback that I hope can help you out.

The first sentence immediately jolts out because of the lack of structure. Try sticking with the fundamental formatting of: "[quoted message]," said [subject of discussion]. If you are able to do this, it will improve how academic your writing will be perceived overall. After making mention of this (if you really intend to incorporate it into the essay), try to put a full-on paragraph break before proceeding to the rest of the essay. This way, it will appear a lot more structured.

Notice how certain areas of your writing also need to be repackaged in accordance with the demands of writing. The second paragraph, for instance, obviously needed to have a more well put-together sentence structure through integrating more appropriate punctuation marks. For instance, after astrology, you could have opted to use a comma instead of a - in order to make the sentence flow nicer.

As for the rest of the writing, I find there to be a massive imbalance in the content. The core message you should have delivered is only found in the conclusion/last paragraph, whereas it should have been the center of your writing. Always be mindful of these instances because you need to ensure that you are relaying the right core message for your essay to be given attention to.

Undergraduate / The story of hedgehog. Common App Essay / Personal Statement about a period that sparked my growth [3]

@Jiaxin Ye
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on your writing.

Generally speaking, while I do not find anything staggeringly wrong with the writing, I find that the general manner of composition can still be improved. Since it is within your own prerogative to utilize a story-telling manner of writing for your application, you could have opted to relay the message a more academically-structured manner. For instance, merge together the first three lines/paragraphs that you have. Afterward, only prioritize which quotations are actually necessary. Oftentimes, in academic writing, for you to use quotations in a way that won't overpower your writing,

Apart from this, I appreciate the usage of the core message in the writing because I find it to be a fascinating approach to essays. What I would really only suggest would be to try and make your essay writing more compartmentalized and specifically structured around the idea of writing. This way, you'll be able to have more clarity in your overall writing.

Writing Feedback / The environment problem is facing today's world. Responsibility of fixing the pollution problem. [3]

@smelias339
Hi, welcome! Here is my feedback.

Try to shorten your sentence structure in a way that won't overpower the readers. When we take a look at the introductory sentence, for instance, you could have opted to simply mention that large firms carry more weighted responsibility in resolving environmental and climate change-related concerns. Since you will be explaining what this entails in the body paragraphs, expounding it excessively won't really be necessary in your case.

I have also observed that the way you introduced your examples in the body paragraphs is similar. Try to diversify your writing as this will ensure that you will be properly received by the readers themselves. In addition to this, evade repetitive writing patterns since this does not showcase any writer's creativity on your part. In that case, you will be struggling when it comes to reception of imagery since innovative writing is crucial to establish yourself as a writer.

Graduate / Erasmus Mundus in Security and Cloud Computing - expectations, career aspirations, experience, etc. [3]

@Yusufbek
Hello. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback somewhat helps you out.

While I think that the introduction was quite a creative approach into writing, I find that it was generally insufficient when it comes to fulfilling the bare minimum that's sought after in the essay's requirements. Try to answer the immediate thesis questions posted by the theme of the essay at the very beginning. Doing this will help structure your writing more in accordance with the paper.

Be cautious as well of minute details in the paper: punctuation, preposition, and general grammatical composition. It wouldn't be smart for you to leave lapses when it comes to how you compose sentences because there's a structure that needs to be followed.

Graduate / Essay topic: Carey Business school shapes business leaders who seize the opportunity [2]

@dichangwei
Hello. Welcome to the forum!

Here is my feedback on your writing.

Be cautious of your sentence composition. There were instances wherein you should have had packaged the writing in a clearer manner to ensure that you're not lost in meaning. For example, the first paragraph's first line clearly needed to be more demonstrative. Notice how you repeated the line Goldman Sachs twice in one sentence - these things aren't supposed to happen, especially if you pattern your writing to avoid repetition.

Tenses are crucial as well, so be mindful of them. If you're starting out with past tense as you did in the second paragraph, don't switch suddenly to present tense as was observed in the last parts of the text.

While you had the relevant content, the organization of thoughts is still seemingly lacking. Try to be more mindful of this also.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile: The Idealistic Dreamer [3]

@Famai
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you a better idea on how to improve your writing.

Try not to overdo your descriptions when using adjectives. Instead of this helping out your writing, it can result into a more difficult pattern. For instance, in your first sentence, you could have stuck with either quixotically or ambitious. Afterwards, try to organize your content purely based on that. This will help add more direction to the writing.

Try to also package your writing in a more effective manner. You can opt to minimize the usage of excessive language when you can. This will help you develop a more intrinsic writing wherein you will learn to prioritize what to say more.

Letters / "Stipendium Hungaricum" program - Motivation letter [2]

@Munkhuu9969
Hi. Welcome to the forum. Here is my feedback.

First and foremost, try to stick with language that's more consistent. Implement this in terms of grammar and the like. This will nurture your writing to be more academically appropriate in the long-run.

Aside from describing Hungary, try sticking more to what the program itself has to offer to you. It would be better to relate your experiences and expectations with what you're going to anticipate to gather from the program. By doing this, you'll have a more focused approach to writing which will allow you to be more dedicated towards a specific purpose.

While giving background information is alright, it isn't necessarily supposed to be the sole focus of everything. Especially since your writing has an academic focus to it, it would be much better to stick to this instead of beating around the bush.

Research Papers / This is my ENG 102 research essay about Kickboxing [2]

@Joe1rou
Hello. Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on your writing.

When you're trying to use citations, try to stick with using them only when it is appropriate. The placement of the citation is very important. For example, in the first paragraph, it should have been placed midway instead of in the second sentence since this did not really warrant anything factual to be cited. Maintain this decorum in citation as much as possible.

Organizing your paragraphs in a more sensible manner is also critical when writing. When taking a look at what you have now, the first paragraph could have been divided into two separate pieces to appear more structured.

I also recommend reading up again on how to cite properly. The quotations' placement appear to be off-putting at times when you're using them to cite smaller phrases.

The usage of transition words also do not have a structure in place. You should have utilized moreover, firstly, secondly, and the like in a more technical manner for everything to have more placement. Don't just throw these words in the beginning of paragraphs, especially if you can opt to omit their usage at times.

Undergraduate / Arabic music rhythm. Last minute Stanford Application Essay [2]

@Abraham29
HI there. Welcome to the forum. I hope that my feedback suits you well.

While I find that the first parts of the essay are alright, I think that the utilization of the storytelling pattern didn't fall in a better manner. What you could have done was to try and compartmentalize the writing in a more substantiated manner. What this pertains to would be to try and compress information in a more appropriate sense. Doing this would definitely add that professional flair into the writing.

The transition from the Arabic music to the part about learning needs to be improved as well. You need to emphasize more on precisely the reason as to why this has urged you to pursue learning more. Try and be more logical; take everything step-by-step when you can. Doing this would help instigate a more intricate set of writing.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Smart Systems Integration Erasmus Mundus scholarship program [3]

@shingeki1996
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum!

From the get-go, there are portions of the essay that need to be cut down to have a more concise writing pattern. Doing this would definitely sharpen your essay to make it look more put-together. For instance, the second paragraph could have been separated into two different ones. This would have definitely helped in terms of trimming down the content to what is only relevant.

While you may have found it necessary to explain the company you were initially with, it would have also helped if you would have added more of the key projects that you worked with instead of the recent ones. This would have shown a more competitive angle for you to work with than having everything out in the open.

The most important part of the essay should have been the part where you begin to talk about your future plans - since the program wants to have people who would have a more purposeful way of doing things. Dwelling on this would definitely help your essay become bolder in its ambitions.

Scholarship / Motivation letter for the International Master of Science in Rural development scholarship [3]

@Darina14
Hello. Thanks for coming! I hope that my feedback becomes helpful for your writing endeavors.

Remember that personal goals doesn't exactly mean your personality - what it pertains to more are your internalized perspectives on what you want to be able to accomplish since this will help regulate your writing to be more substantive. Try to tackle more about your background and the sense of fulfillment that you will garner from the experience. Stick with this information and change up your third paragraph.

While the last paragraph is alright, I find that you need to work on making more precise pieces of information prevalent. Doing this would help sharpen your writing to be more accomplished. Try to also avoid being repetitive with your language since this will help you focus more on what is important than what is not.

Research Papers / Point out three things I did well (Amazons effect on the business world) [2]

@Nix111
Hello. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you clarity on what you can do to improve your writing.

The first two paragraphs should have been compressed together to have a more solidified front to your writing. Furthermore, the method of writing needs to be more precise and specific to create more of a dynamic flow throughout. Doing this would definitely help you cultivate a more prioritized format of writing wherein readers wouldn't need to focus too much on information that you actually need. For example, the whole introduction about how Amazon has changed companies around it didn't necessarily have a more substantiated front to it.

The organization of information throughout the writing also has to be improved more. If we consider what we have now, it is obvious that you need to be able to focus more first on the history of Amazon before proceeding to tying it elsewhere.

Be mindful of small mistakes as well. The citation shouldn't be placed on the last sentence of a paragraph - for example.

Research Papers / The importance of gun control. Answer these three questions (educational studies) [2]

@Jibarra
Hello. Thanks for approaching the forum. I hope this feedback somehow helps you.

Try to be more cautious of where you are placing your citations in. It should never be placed on the first or the last part of the paragraph.

When you're constructing sentences, the placement of the punctuation marks themselves also matter, especially since you need to have a more academically-appropriate format. Starting sentences with "or" continuously as you did in the fourth paragraph didn't improve the pattern of writing.

You also need to compress information more to create better structured paragraphs. Take a look at the last three to fifth paragraphs you had - you could have merged them together.

Scholarship / Erasmus Mundus Scholarship, Track B Global market and Development [2]

@Tati 237
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum. Here is my feedback on your writing.

Since they're asking you to be as precise as possible when writing, try to prioritize information more. For instance, the first part of the introduction was unnecessary in the entirety of the text. If you're able to remove this part, you could have focused more on the actual parts of the essay that tackled your own personal involvement. Focus more on expounding how your previous educational experiences have helped shaped your entire persona.

Avoid mentioning lines such as "I think I am [...]" considering that they imply uncertainty in the text. Stick with information that will say that you are certain.

Always compress short paragraphs when you can. Doing this would improve the overall look of your essay since it will compile information and create something more logical and substantive.

Writing Feedback / Which kind of organisations should carry out scientific research? [3]

@tamtran
Hi. Thanks for coming back here. Here is my feedback on your writing.

The first part of the essay has to be more straightforward. Considering that this is supposed to be a short essay, you needed to focus more on substantiating information that's more relevant. The introductory sentences could have been shorter and more straight to the thesis statement than what they are now.

When you're using "on the other hand" and other similar linkages, you should have stayed consistent with it. Doing that would improve the aesthetic value of your writing for the long-run.

The conclusion also needs to be sharpened more, especially since what you currently have is still a bit lacking. You needed to provide more insight to the writing.

Graduate / Letter of motivation for EMJMD critical care nursing [3]

@luke matu
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site for feedback!

Since you are working with a very limited word count, I recommend that you stick with only the pivotal information necessary. Doing this would definitely help your writing improve a lot more, considering the fact that you need to be able to compartmentalize the information a lot better. For instance, in the first paragraph, try your best to reduce the excessive information you've included there. You could have easily kept it as short as the first phrase before anything else.

Try to also be clearer language-wise. If we take a look at the last sentence of the first paragraph, it is unclear what you mean by being "a solution to him" - if possible, stick with shorter sentences that have simpler structures. The last paragraph needs to be improved more, especially since you need to be more straightforward.

Undergraduate / Solar Cooking - WashU Supplemental: Something that sparks your interest and curiosity [3]

@Jiaxin Ye
Hello. Thanks for coming here once more. Here is my feedback on your writing.

There is an imbalance in the writing as I can tell. The first paragraph needs to be constructed with more substance, especially since the writing needs to have more priority in different parts of the write-up. It is also a bit unclear in the first paragraph what precisely the direction of the essay will be on the latter parts.

While I think that the concept of Conan is interesting, the insertion of it is a bit rugged from the very beginning. If you're planning to merge the two together, it would be better to have a more direct correlation between the two. Try to find a specific episode, for instance, that would help you incorporate everything in a smoother manner.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Should air travel be restricted due to its impact on environment? [2]

@phuongthuy1212
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site! I hope that this feedback welcomes you properly into the site.

While I think that the first paragraph is great, you could have opted for a simpler manner in writing things. Doing this would have helped your writing improve more, especially since it would help your essay become clearer in content and meaning. The introductory sentence, for instance, should have been shortened into merely saying that globalization is about the growth of the interconnectivity of countries. Having a simpler approach is always better.

The conclusion you currently have is also lacking. You needed to conclude everything in a more analytical manner, especially since the you only mentioned a solution instead of a more targeted approach towards the issue you presented in the first paragraph.