Scholarship / Influential Person , Neila [6]

Hello everyone! The deadline for this is very soon (a few hours, most), so if you stumble across this please take a read. I know that this is not my best writing- I lack a thesis, for one, and my main points are less than clear. Please take a read through, though, and critique this. Also, do you think I need a thesis? Is it really necessary in an essay like this? Where should I neaten it up? I would like to keep the light mood that is has. Oh, and if you post a quality critique, feel free to post a link to one of your threads along with it- I'll be happy to correct.

Okay, here goes!

DESCRIBE AN EVENT OR PERSON THAT HAS SHAPED YOUR LIFE OR INFLUENCED YOU TO BE THE PERSON YOU ARE

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
Mark Twain

Fortunately for me, the frilly dresses my sister coerced me into wearing in my early childhood haven't affected my rugged manliness too much. My sister herself, though, has very much shaped the person I am. No, I don't mean that she's a rugged manly sister- my point is that when I examine who I am today, what I do, and where I want to go with my life, I see traces of Nelia everywhere.

The funny thing is, we don't have much in common today. I'm studying in Germany, enjoy playing my trombone and playing sports with friends, and am preparing for an internship with a naval technologies firm. Nelia is studying theatre in California, is an avid singer, and works in a store that produces costumes. I like numbers, facts, and proofs; Nelia likes emotions, ideas, and descriptions. I plan on becoming an engineer; Nelia plans on becoming an actress. Despite our differences, though, I can attribute most of my interests in some way to Nelia's influence.

Actually, in the beginning it wasn't so much "influencing" as it was "oppressively dominating". Or, to be more accurate, a turbulent mixture of "oppressive domination" and "younger sibling adulation". In any case, I usually liked what liked what Nelia liked (and when I didn't, she made me like it), did what she did, and listened to what she told me to do. Her favorite color was green, therefore, my favorite color was green. She told me to collect snails, therefore, I collected snails. She insisted I played dress-up in frilly dresses, and I played dress-up. In many ways, Nelia was my quality tester- if she liked something, I knew it had to be good. She was, after all, my big sister.

And no matter how old I got, Nelia was somehow always one year older, one year smarter, and one year ahead. And so I followed her: into band, into chorus, into theatre- wherever she went, I went too. Eventually, Nelia's values began to rub off on me- her tenacious work ethic, her dedication, her friendliness: Nelia was always eager to put in the extra hour of rehearsal, to buckle down and learn her lines, and to help out a friend.

Ironically, though, the most important thing I learned from Nelia was independence. In eighth grade, Nelia moved up to the high school, leaving me alone at the middle school. Suddenly, I was quite alone- there wasn't a big sis to hang on to. Nonetheless, I continued to do exactly what I knew best- doing what Nelia would have done. That meant adopting a fierce independence- after all, Nelia had always been self-capable, independent, and a leader.

Throughout eighth grade and into high school I carved out my own path. While I started with the foundations that I had had picked up from Nelia, I slowly began to turn in other directions. I added band to chorus, then dropped chorus for band exclusively, and then added jazz to the bunch. I began to interest myself in technical theatre, and eventually switched over from actor to stage manager to set designer. I picked up sports, including wrestling and track and field. Regardless of what I was doing, though, I always gave it my all- the work ethic and dedication that Nelia unwittingly installed in me are things I'll never lose.

Last year, Nelia and I still ran in similar circles. We had each taken on leadership roles of our own, though, and had our own areas of expertise. Nelia was the vice-president of the chorus, I was the section leader in band. She played on the varsity volleyball team and made it to the quarter-finals, I pole-vaulted at the state meet. She received award after award for acting, I led my stage crew to recognition for technical excellence. We still aren't quite on the same track, though: Nelia is still one step ahead and she always will be. Today, I attribute the musicality, dedication, and leadership that have led me to my own successes to her, and I look forward to what she'll teach me tomorrow.

Scholarship / The Big Picture: Community Service essay [5]

Just another scholarship, but I'd appreciate your input!

When ***** said, "compassion first, bend the rules if you must, but make sure when a person in need reaches out, that [we reach] back with a warm and gentle hand," what did he mean and how would you do that? How might pursuing your interests continue *****'s legacy of community service?

Note: the foundation providing this scholarship is providing it in memory of the director of a Senior Citizens avocation group.

The Big Picture

Don't forget the big picture.
***** is remembered as a humanitarian because he never forgot the most important part of his work: the humans.
It's surprisingly easy to forget this element of community service: even when a project's sole aim is to help a group of people, the mission of that project can become easily distracted by costs, standards, rules, and red tape. Seeing past these distractions, though, and pushing forward until the end goal is reached- and the people are helped- is what ****** has called on us to do.

I want to study engineering. No, it's not advocacy, it's not health care, it's not counseling. Nonetheless, engineers are vitally important figures when it comes to serving the community. Engineers are problem-solvers; their jobs are focused on solutions, not obstacles. More than that, engineers focus on efficiency- just like *****, engineers are concerned not with "what is... [but] on what ought to be".

A good example of engineering in the human service field is the summer of 2008: along with my father and my church group, I spent a week in New Orleans building houses. My father, also an engineer, took charge of our work site. When the week was over, the program representative approached him and thanked him, saying that our group "had made more progress in the last week than all of the groups in the preceding month". With the mind and organization of an engineer, the service we provided had much more results.

Of course, not every engineer is also a humanitarian. I am confident, though, that I will continue to give back to my community for the rest of my life. Community service is a core value for me: I have been extremely active in my community. In 2004, for example- I started a Walk Team for Project Bread's Walk for Hunger. Since then, I've lead the group every year, the group has had more than 50 members, and we've raised more than $16,000 for the hungry in Massachusetts. Or in 2007- I began playing free concerts for seniors at senior living homes in the North Shore with my jazz band. Or in 2009- perceiving a need for a workshop in my school, I organized a team of 40 students and adults in raising money for, designing, and building a workshop in my school.

My point is that community service is something I enjoy. I feel like it's my civil duty to society, yes, but it has double rewards: not only are the people who need help helped, but I get the satisfaction of knowing that I've done my part and I've done it well.

Next year I'll be going to college. Right now I'm not exactly sure where- I've been accepted to several universities and am deliberating the programs- and costs- of each one. Wherever I go, though, I will take my commitment to community with me. And, as I study engineering, I hope to increase my potential: with a strong education, the next time I am reached out to, I will be able to reach back "with a warm and gentle hand".

It was under the vision of ****** that ***** grew into the vast social agency that it is today. His passing, though, was not the passing of this vision- in his memory, we can all try "to meet the needs of the neediest", and carry on his mission- I thank you for helping me to carry this mission onward.

Undergraduate / UPenn: Acadamic Communities [5]

Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?

I'm worried about my last paragraph- does that fall flat? Of course, any other general critiquing/editing would be appreciated.

It came before he established Philadelphia's first fire department; it was the cause of the United States' first lending library; it evolved into the American Philosophical Society. One of Franklin's first endeavors, the Junto was perhaps the group that most represented his ideals. A group of all walks of life- artisans, tradesmen, businessmen- the Junto were united under the common goals of improving themselves and improving society. It was, so to say, a community serving the community.

That being said, I truly believe that the University of Pennsylvania got it right with its School of Engineering and Applied Sciences (SEAS). SEAS captures the spirits of Franklin and the Junto alike- its mission statement, to "not only advance science and engineering, but also [to] dramatically impact society as a whole", is the statement of a school I would truly be proud to attend.

When it comes down to it, engineering is about more than the acquisition of knowledge. Engineering is problem solving- it's finding how to use the knowledge we have to create innovative tools which improve our lives. As a research facility, UPenn demonstrates this time and time again. From antimicrobial pipes to nanoscale circuit boards to portable water filters, innovations are constantly emerging from the minds of Penn thinkers at SEAS. These innovations, in turn, directly benefit the community of UPenn as well as the world as a whole.

Aside from its world-renowned research facilities, I believe Penn can thank itself for its particularly fecund student population. With programs such as its Rachleff Scholars program, UPenn thrusts opportunity into the hands of its students, jumpstarting innovation. I'm particularly interested in the Rachleff Scholars program- its three focuses are the heart of engineering. Research, advanced studies, and networking with those in the field, the Rachleff program sets its students up for success.

In all of UPenn, though, I see a school that has similar values to myself. The community there is hard working, ambitious, and united under a single goal- the innovation of knowledge, the implementation of that knowledge, and, ultimately, the improvement of society. Sharing this goal, I do more that merely picture myself at UPenn; I have a bonafide will to go there. I want to join a school that prides itself on giving back to the community.

At UPenn, I see myself not only as active in research at SEAS, but also as fully involved in the greater UPenn community. I know myself: I am a leader and a worker. When I join a community, I am more than a spectator. I become a participant and a contributor. Moreover, my interests are varied- from music to sports to community service, I'm a player in many circles of life. When I toured UPenn, I loved Locust Walk- the community involvement and student activism captivated me. More than that, it demonstrates a healthy intellectual community. Like Franklin recognized with the Junto, an intellectual community is healthiest when comprised of ideas stemming from diverse interests. Indeed, the diversity of the student population, along with that population's enthusiasm, is one aspect that makes the school unique.

I want to go to UPenn because I want to improve the world. Simply stated, this lofty goal is the impetus of my life and essential to my college search. UPenn presents me opportunities- UPenn offers me communities that I can grow in, contribute to, and eventually become a leader in. A campus rife with ideas at a research institution combined with a service-based mission, UPenn is the school for me.

Undergraduate / '...shook his head, sadly' - You have just completed your 300-page autobiography; page 217. [21]

You have just completed your 300-page autobiography. Please submit page 217.

Hey guys, you wanna look over this and tell me what you think? Thanks.

217
...shook his head, sadly.
"Tim, you're fired."
While I was disappointed, I wasn't surprised. I suppose it didn't matter that I was high while I did it, raping his daughter wasn't a good career move. I lowered my eyes, looking to his feet.

"Can I at least keep the money?"
"What money?"
I guess he hadn't realized that I had embezzled more than $20,000 in the last few months. Shit.
"Tim, what money?"
I tried to look away again, pretending I hadn't said anything. He began to say something, but as soon as he opened his mouth I pushed past him, out of the cubicle and into the hallway. This chapter of my life was closed.

CHAPTER XXVII

I figured I'd be okay. The office job was just a side job, anyway- peddling narcotics and small-time embezzlement got me most of the money I needed to support my habit, and I thought the landlord was too afraid of me to evict me. Not that the house was much anyway- my bed wasn't much more than a bunch of stuffing in the corner, and my refrigerator hadn't worked for weeks.

Settling down in the only rickety chair in the apartment, I tried to think. Should I take up a new job? I tried to brainstorm... what did I like to do? I scribbled my thoughts on a napkin, but surfing porn on the internet and insulting the people on the Jesus hotline weren't really marketable skills. I turned the napkin over. What could I do?

Again, I drew a blank. I hadn't done anything worthwhile with my life since I graduated UPenn with a Bachelors in Engineering eight years ago. Thinking about it now, I'm not even sure how I did that- most of the time I was high or passed out. It didn't hurt that I paid a kid with ex to take all my exams for me. That, and I the physics professor was a total junkie. Whatever.

After that, I did a brief stint at Market Basket, but was fired for pissing in the brownie mix when the baker ticked me off. I had a few years unemployment, was in the kicker for a couple months for assault and battery... nothing. I called my friend.

"Hey man, I'm in a bit of a hard place."
I explained that I'd been fired, and he started laughing.
"What the fuck dude, it's not fucking funny!"
His response was that I was the most pathetic person he knew. He started to say something about how my mother was more successful than me, selling knitted socks on the Internet, but I had had about enough. I threw the receiver against the wall. It cracked. Fuck. I had already known that I wasn't getting the security deposit back, but now I needed a new phone, too.