JackieMahamn
Aug 10, 2020
Letters / Writing a motivational letter to study Computer Science and Engineering at KOC University Turkey [3]
* These are some of my remarks on your letter.
- The clause "humans have evolved from the stone age to the light (Jet) age" seems not to match the previous clause. Also, I do not understand why you mention "the light age". Therefore, I think the change for this one should be taken.
- The phrase "my studying" should become "my study". Additionally, the phrase "to continue my studying and boost my knowledge and skills ..." has "and" as a repetition. So, you can subsitute the second "and" for "as well as".
- The phrase "in the field of...." should be replaced sometimes because it's so repetitive.
- The clause "(for instance, the introduction of 5G Network) the need for computer engineers cannot ..." is so long. So, you need to separate this one into smaller ones so as to make it easily understandable. On top of that, you shouldn't use the round brackets in the letter or any formal writings.
- The phrase "for this reason" shoud be put between semicolon and comma (;...,) because it acts as a linking phrase of 2 sentences.
- The phrase "and then upon returing... KOC university" is so long, so you need to split this one into smaller ones as well.
- The phrase "interdisciplinary ideas" should be replaced by "interdisciplinary knowledge" because this sounds better.
- You should add "the" before "poor information and communication system".
- The phrase should become "In regards to".
- In the phrase "the value of insistence", I can't get what you mean when it comes to "insistence". Therefore, I think you should look up this word again.
* I hope that these comments are beneficial to your writing enhancement process.
* These are some of my remarks on your letter.
- The clause "humans have evolved from the stone age to the light (Jet) age" seems not to match the previous clause. Also, I do not understand why you mention "the light age". Therefore, I think the change for this one should be taken.
- The phrase "my studying" should become "my study". Additionally, the phrase "to continue my studying and boost my knowledge and skills ..." has "and" as a repetition. So, you can subsitute the second "and" for "as well as".
- The phrase "in the field of...." should be replaced sometimes because it's so repetitive.
- The clause "(for instance, the introduction of 5G Network) the need for computer engineers cannot ..." is so long. So, you need to separate this one into smaller ones so as to make it easily understandable. On top of that, you shouldn't use the round brackets in the letter or any formal writings.
- The phrase "for this reason" shoud be put between semicolon and comma (;...,) because it acts as a linking phrase of 2 sentences.
- The phrase "and then upon returing... KOC university" is so long, so you need to split this one into smaller ones as well.
- The phrase "interdisciplinary ideas" should be replaced by "interdisciplinary knowledge" because this sounds better.
- You should add "the" before "poor information and communication system".
- The phrase should become "In regard
- In the phrase "the value of insistence", I can't get what you mean when it comes to "insistence". Therefore, I think you should look up this word again.
* I hope that these comments are beneficial to your writing enhancement process.