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Posts by JackieMahamn
Name: Jackie
Joined: Jul 11, 2019
Last Post: Aug 10, 2020
Threads: 3
Posts: 7  
From: Viet Nam
School: University of technology and education HCM city

Displayed posts: 10
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JackieMahamn   
Aug 10, 2020
Letters / Writing a motivational letter to study Computer Science and Engineering at KOC University Turkey [3]

* These are some of my remarks on your letter.
- The clause "humans have evolved from the stone age to the light (Jet) age" seems not to match the previous clause. Also, I do not understand why you mention "the light age". Therefore, I think the change for this one should be taken.

- The phrase "my studying" should become "my study". Additionally, the phrase "to continue my studying and boost my knowledge and skills ..." has "and" as a repetition. So, you can subsitute the second "and" for "as well as".

- The phrase "in the field of...." should be replaced sometimes because it's so repetitive.
- The clause "(for instance, the introduction of 5G Network) the need for computer engineers cannot ..." is so long. So, you need to separate this one into smaller ones so as to make it easily understandable. On top of that, you shouldn't use the round brackets in the letter or any formal writings.

- The phrase "for this reason" shoud be put between semicolon and comma (;...,) because it acts as a linking phrase of 2 sentences.
- The phrase "and then upon returing... KOC university" is so long, so you need to split this one into smaller ones as well.
- The phrase "interdisciplinary ideas" should be replaced by "interdisciplinary knowledge" because this sounds better.
- You should add "the" before "poor information and communication system".
- The phrase should become "In regards to".
- In the phrase "the value of insistence", I can't get what you mean when it comes to "insistence". Therefore, I think you should look up this word again.

* I hope that these comments are beneficial to your writing enhancement process.
JackieMahamn   
Aug 9, 2020
Writing Feedback / GRE Argument; Organization engineered a new breed of millet high in vitamin A [2]

*I just have some feedbacks with respect to grammar of your writing.
- "Millet rich with Vitamin A" should be replaced by " Millet rich IN Vitamin A".
- You should check the name of the location. That's "Tagus" not "Tagush"_the one you mentioned in the writing.
- The sentence "if the answer is otherwise such as majority of Tagus people are poor" is fairly confusing for me. I can't get the grammatical point here.

- "Vitamin A ..." falls into some grammatical mistakes; This should be subsituted by "Vitamins A provided FOR people WHO can not afford".

- The phrase should become "whether there IS land available". Besies, "that are ..." should be become "that IS already planted by another crop" because "land" is uncountable.

- In the phrase "If there exists other staple food", the word "exist" is used wrongly because it functions as only an intransitive verb. So, I suppose that you need a change for this one.

- "how does the new millet taste?" should be turned into "how the new millet tastes" owing its position after "is". Also, you can keep the phras, but don't forget to put it in the quotation marks.

- I think you should put "a" right before "means" in the phrase " as means to combat Vitamin A...".
These are just some of my reviews on this one. Hopefully, this one does some wonders for your process.
JackieMahamn   
Mar 29, 2020
Writing Feedback / Giving possibility to choose subjects students prefer or enforcing obligatory subjects at schools? [5]

An opinion essay about discussing views and giving personal opinion



Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Others believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology.

Focusing on subjects they have interest in or following obligatory subjects are still the concern for university students. Some express the opinion that studying favourite subjects will motivate students immensely whereas others state that students should just study subjects which do wonders for their future occupations. From my perspectives, I suppose that there's a need for the combination of both these subjects to reach the maximun benefits for university students.

Initially, that students are allowed to study subjects they are fond of brings some beneficial aspects to themselves. As a usual, students tend to be more encouraged and motivated when doing something they are interested in, which results in high productivity. Additionally, studying prefered subjects also enriches students' knowledge, which plays a fundamental role in their future orientations.

Apart from concentrating on subjects above, students have to strive to study other ones that are relative to their future jobs. These subjects might not draw any students' attraction or interest; nevertheless, they will bring tremendous advantages to students' future preparation. It is lucid to say that these subjects which equip undergraduates with the enormous amount of knowledge with respect to diverse subjects, which supplies them with the firm basis prepared for the future occupation.

As a conclusion, that turning the focus to subjects university students are passionate about or ones that are predominantly applied to the future both brings advantageous sides. Yet, to optimize the benefits of studying, I personally think that these subjects are combined to support students' future is literally in need.
JackieMahamn   
Mar 29, 2020
Writing Feedback / Some individuals claim that the only purpose of movie is to entertain. Others have different opinion [7]

Intially, you actually didn't give us the complete topic and its requirement. When it comes" to the first paragraph, your thesis statement is not really good; I suppose that you need to express your own ideas more. The sentence " This essay will discuss both sides of the argument in detail" sounds quite weird to an essay; specifically, you shouldn't mention " the essay" in your essay.

- In the second paragraph, ideas are good. " at schools" should be replaced by " at school".
- In the third paragraph, In a serie of sentences " However, movies...worth watching", you need to clarify the idea that educational values should be added to film or like that because I realise that your idea is not so lucid and strong. Besides, " help them to deal with.." need to change into " help them deal...".

- Your conclusion is quite short; you need to make your conclusion at least include 2 sentences, which sounds better.
Hopefully, these remarks are beneficial to you.
JackieMahamn   
Mar 29, 2020
Writing Feedback / Export revenues from five different products - IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - Two charts - Cambridge 14 [3]

Basically, your essay is complete. I suppose that your essay is quite good as well. I just find one redundant thing which is the initial sentence in paragraph 2 " the bar chart and table ...2015 and 2016". You actually did mentioned this thing in paragraph 1, and there's no need to point it out again.

Hopefully, these feedbacks would be advantageous to your essay.
JackieMahamn   
Aug 9, 2019
Writing Feedback / An essay about discussing when it's better for children to learn a new language. [2]

Topic: Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?


picking up a new language early



Many perspectives are that children should set about taking in new language at elementary school than secondary school. Indeed, absorbing a new language at a younger age will benefit children's development process, which brings tremendous advantages even though it still has some disadvantages. However, the advantages are definitely Superior to drawbacks.

Learning a new language at primary school is certainly the best period for children. A ton of scientific researches point out that children from 8 to 12 years old truly have better capability of picking up a new language than others. The reasons for this are in relation to the fact that children at this age still have a large sum of learning space in their brains. They are still not overwhelmed by a lot of knowledge from the society. Additionally, the manner that children of that age learn a new language are really distinct from others. Children feel more relaxed to play with the language and they don't bear pressure much.

Approaching a new language Ripes many benefits for primary children. When they obtain higher education, they are about to get more opportunities. For instance, as children learn English in elementary school, they may have chances in secondary school such as international scholarships, foreign activities, so on . Moreover, children surely have more time to enhance the language ability instead of merely having some first steps with the language in higher education. With their background knowledge in primary School, their language learning process in secondary school will be concentrated harder in the higher levels.

However, there are still some disadvantages of learning new language in primary School. In particular, children may get the mixed language which is the combination between the mother tongue and foreign language. Nevertheless, it is fairly easy for them to get over this issue by the teacher's supports.

In conclusion, no matter children start to learn a new language at primary school or secondary school, it always gives them many advantages. However, picking up a new language at an earlier age will ripe more benefits than others.

I hope you guys will give me many feedbacks. Please, be hard on my wring; point out my mistakess. I'm really thankful and grateful for you guys.
JackieMahamn   
Aug 9, 2019
Writing Feedback / New parents should attend parenting courses to ensure the growth of their children. [2]

I actually just have some feedbacks to your writing.
- Introduction paragraph: + " better" should go after "it", I suppose.
+ Indeed, you should develop your introduction paragraph more because it's so short and not attractive at all.
- The first paragraph: +" should" will be placed after " parents"
+ There is no "the" before "temperature"
+ I think that "secondly" should be " on the other hand" because you use " one the one hand" before.
- The second paragraph: + "For example, in Viet Nam... on Facebook." needs to be cut down because it's so long. After "or", it must be a noun or noun phrase.

+ Is " so expensive is parenting preparation that" in a correct structure? I'm actually not sure, so you should check it again.
- The conclusion should be cut down due to its length.
I hope that it partly supports your writing. For me, you need to practice more if you set a high score in IELTS.
JackieMahamn   
Jul 29, 2019
Writing Feedback / With the development of online communication, people is easy to make new friends [5]

@Ann_Ng
Hello, I also have some feedbacks for your writing.
- "Social network was born to help ..." is wrong grammatically. It might become" social network helps ....distances meet...easily".

- " turn on...video call" becomes " to turn on...video call".
- " calling to.." should become " call or can call".
- "flesh and flood human" makes no sense in this case.
- Between" for instance" should be placed between semicolon and comma.
- " This brings many physical values as ..." is fairly confusing. I actually don't get it.
-" making friends has been.."
- " Then" should be between" ;" and",".
- "catastrophe" is not suitable in this case; instead, you can use "difficulty" or something like that.
- The third paragraph is pretty confusing.
* In sum, You should review your grammar, punctuation usage in coordinators and subordinators such as however, or...
Actually, this correction just based on my opinion might make some mistakes.
I hope that you find it useful for your writing.
JackieMahamn   
Jul 29, 2019
Writing Feedback / An opinion essay about discussing views and giving personal opinion. [4]

The topic: Some people believe that children learn better when they are placed in classes with children of similar abilities. Others believe that children learn better when they are in classes with children representing a diverse range of academic abilities. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

learning environment for a child



Some people suppose that the most effective learning way for children is to collaborate with many children of the similar academic levels. Others believe that it is more productive for children to learn with others having a broad diversity of knowledge, which I immensely concur with.

The collaboration with superior friends brings many benefits to children's learing process. They can accquire more knowledge from various fields, which helps advance their self development accademically. As children study with smart peers, they can be able to explore what they are truly concerned about, which is completely good for their future orientation. Additionally, staying in such that good environment will push each kid forward, which is the tremendous source of motivation.

Besides, such a cooperation with other children of the same levels aslo ripes some benefits. Since they stay in a normal environment like others, they will have an easier understanding about what their friends say. Therefore, they might not feel overwhelmed and confused by complicated things. Plus, the curriculum is not very difficult ;so, they do not feel under pressure much. Moreover, they will pick up new things with the ease.

However, I believe that the non-pressure environment does not create many good children. This means that they might not get a large range of knowledge if they are not pressured or motivated by the environment. They can not be the best versions of themselves in academic aspects.

In conclusion, learning in any environment is still good and brings some specific benefits for children. Nevertheless, whether they can be good children or not mostly depends on patience and determination that they put on their learning process.

I hope you guys will help me correct my writing. Thank you so much!
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